As with many human conditions and circumstances, as with being childfree by choice, or considering oneself childless by circumstance, there can be an aspect of blame and perception of victimhood that can underly one’s experience and be a part of one’s growth journey. So if there was a model and a roadmap for moving from a state of victimhood to empowerment, what would that look like? And how would it apply collectively as well as individually, for a whole host of situations in which finding the gateway from one destination,  to the other, is a thing? If that’s of interest to you, please tune in below for this week's episode of 40 No Kids Now What Podcast.

Here is a visual representation of the journey roadmap mentioned in this week's episode 14 of the 40 No Kids Now What Podcast:

Listen here:

But seriously, beyond the lens of professional acting & media arts, and my professional observations about all things grief and trauma, some personal reasons why I love this franchise:


According to some of the real life Pilots of all genders & instructors in the main FB fan groups and their articles and podcasts, Top Gun in real life actually isn’t about recruiting only the top 1% based on performance, and in fact, machismo, rule breaking and being a “shit winner” (“nar nar neh nah neh, eg rubbing your victory in others faces) and not playing for the team, is quickly called out.


And who is chosen is actually based on what skills & knowledge each can offer that best fit the current group’s needs at the time & their capacity to teach and share their knowledge at the end of their rotation.


In the movie, I think this is exactly why now Top Gun Instructor, Admiral Tom Kazanski  (eg “Iceman”) calls his friend, Captain Pete Mitchell (“Maverick”) back to Top Gun to have another go at teaching, after he pissed off other Admirals & got reassigned last time he was there, for not playing by the rule book. Ice, though, through the decades, still sees Mav’s potential as a brilliant Teacher, despite Mav’s doubt in his own ability as an Instructor to transfer what he knows and knows he is masterful at as a pilot.


In movie 1, Mav’s doubt was, in part, a form of inherited, self fulfilling prophecy, while he still believed that his Father, pilot Duke Mitchell, was at fault and a failure in the dog fight that claimed his life, until his TG Instructor, Mike Metcalf, “Viper,” who was actually there when it happened, sets him straight on that his Dad was a hero, who saved several, by staying in the fight til the end.


Yet Mav is, by movie 2, still working through forgiving himself and letting go of survivor guilt from the loss of Goose (even though the military once declared it an accident). Not to mention work through the trauma configuration typical of a kid without a parent/s; of rebellion, pushing against the boundaries, trying to find the balance of control and safety, while struggling to define and differentiate his identity and establish independence from his Dad. And the kind of not believing you’re ever enough, that leads to always going for  “just a little push” more, seeking perfectionism and the validation of achieving the goal, when you didn’t have secure, stable parents who helped you believe you WERE wanted, loveable and enough, without having to over-deliver.


To a kid who’s lost their parents, the adult nature of reality of a death and loss hits before they have the capacity and tools to really fully process it. But also, they tend to quickly learn that love and approval and even safety, is no longer guaranteed in the same way it is taken for granted as inevitable in securely attached 2 plus parent families. To a kid (like Mav or Bradley (Lt Bradley Bradshaw/“Rooster”/Goose and Carroll’s son) both of whom lost a parent while they were young enough to still be completely dependent for meeting their basic care needs, suddenly, you now have to behave well enough and be likeable/charismatic enough to convince people to WANT to take responsibility for providing for you and helping you grow. Until you’re old enough to go get a job and do it for yourself. Aspects of privileged family life may no longer be a guarantee. From lived experience, I can tell you this is terrifying…and you can end wishing you died too, rather than wanting to exist now feeling like a massive burden on anyone doing the caring. Let alone anxious about a parent or carers ability to meet your needs.


(Welcome too, to why young Mav tries so hard to prove himself to and charm the ladies too, not just because he’s a raging, egoic narcissist, phlegmatic and carefree. Far from it. But young Mav is fully engaged in a kind of extroverted overcompensation, trying to prove that he’s enough, but not really ever believing/trusting in that, when it comes to human connection and relationships, that he IS enough.)


But the fear and pain resulting from:


1) the knowledge that most people remain ignorantly blissful to until a bit later in life, that all love ultimately ends in the tremendous pain of grief associated with death, can lead to


a) an intense fear of opening back up emotionally and being vulnerable in close connection and professional or personal connection of all kinds (now that you know how it ultimately ends) and


b) can lead to either things like fun seeking/adrenaline seeking or escapist pursuits to try and cope with/disperse the adrenaline and anxiety and instead ‘take control’ of riding the fear


c) self defence and avoidance strategies when the threat of disapproval/abandonment/endings/rejection gets too close or too much, including


d) potentially self-rejecting first, before either you hurt them/let them down and/or they can see who and how you really are and potentially reject you.


Over time the urge to hide one’s fear/disfunction and “not enoughness” grows as you experience more rejection of the true you.  (If people can’t understand why you are the way you are by adulthood, empathy sometimes gives way to either eye rolling, or judgements about what a f#%k up, waste of space you are, like Admirals Cain and at times Simpson in TGM grilling Mav for why the hell he’s still a Captain at his age, while others are now Admirals and State Senators. Or, when there’s actual intimacy, putting up a wall of self protection against the hurt of being left unmet and hurting in reaction to wounded kids wounding still operating in the grown up, like Penny in Mav’s past and no doubt Charlie in the past) leading also to


3)

​a) the constant fear of the pain of rejection by potential/future surrogate family/support replacements, who don’t think you’re worth the effort/investment and this then also leads to the reinforcement of the belief and doubt about you not being enough in human relationships of all kinds


b) excess hesitation of “thinking before you do” in the face of making a decision, relative to the weight of what you stand to lose through the consequences  and


c) then, eventually, just wanting to be up front with people about your dysfunction,  to “manage expectations”, before you have a chance let down or hurt anyone else again.


If Caine & Simpson cared to create enough safety to hear the real answer of why Mav is the way he is, this is what they might have noticed, or heard.


Conversely, Ice, (despite all that happened in the past that could’ve driven them apart) having got the closest to Mav, being someone Mav has shown his true self to and feels safe to still confide in, and Ice, being a now great elder, friend and Instructor himself, is familiar with and has listened to and seen what it’s really like for Mav. I imagine Ice also, on some level, also probably would still feel partly responsible for helping heal things with Mav & Rooster while he sees Mav still torturing himself over it. But being first hand in it too, has compassion for Mav’s struggles, and goes all in, encouraging him to "let it go' and step up anyway, while Ice (given his throat cancer) still has time to push the point.


So, coming back to how Top Gun instructors are really selected, despite Mav’s psych and performance evaluations over the years, Ice had assessed that Mav’s skills & abilities are exactly what this group of pilots need to get this job done & return alive & he knows Mav is key to “the kid’s” healing & stepping up after the loss of his parents & initial rejection to flight school. Plus that it’s key to Mav’s healing the survivor guilt from Goose, & to his wholeness to heal his connection with his “surrogate son/surrogate family” at a more personal level.


IF Mav can JUST “let go” and put aside the past and all the judgements, and believe in his capacity to connect with others well, in the future. Old flame Penny Benjamin, healing and coming to understand better through seeing Mav’s vulnerability in moments like when he nearly bursts into tears at the bar door (watching Goose’s son play Great Balls of Fire on piano, from the outside now of his surrogate family looking in) seeing him offer to help her twice without pushing any agenda, after she already set the tone and boundaries of re-engagement, about “not going there again, given how it always ends”, and also listening to him open up as he navigates his way through his new assignment and ascending his wounds, Penny becomes an equal encourager friend, along with Ice, from the inside.


For me, having struggled with so many of these things, looking at Mav and Rooster in particular, feels a bit like looking in a mirror. Somehow I now understand myself a little better for watching these characters navigate the same hurdles. And I do love the odd piece of art that helps you grow, heal, and feel good by the end.


It is a blessing in life when you find people who’ve been through something similar and can understand you, and  when you find or create your own “surrogate family”. BUT, if people don’t understand and you can’t be vulnerable and or communicate to people WHY you are the way you are, and what you need from your end, to meet/be met half way as the connection grows, some people end up writing you off as a cold, self serving narcissist , resource-sucking, toxic, lost cause, waste of their time and energy, who just does what you want, when you want, with little regard for who you trash along the way. While others endeavour to try and work you out and work with you anyway.


I love that TG Maverick’s story provides an alternative viewpoint of how it REALLY is for people who lost parents young, as you try and grow and look forward. While having to unhook the lines from the parachute of the past, when you realise it’s still stuck on and tying you to a fixed point in a timeline past.


Say what to you will about the machismo that Mav’s and Ice have grown through over the years, despite the loss of Goose, but Pete Mitchell, by all counts, and despite all protests, has quietly grown by TGM into a REALLY great guy. As well as one of the hero good guys. He shows up fully to every challenge. He becomes an amazingly dedicated teacher and leader, who asks all the right questions, he tries to follow the rules, but still does it his way when ‘he knows better’ than Admirals/Instructors “Cyclone”  and “Warlock” what his students need to see to believe (& the Admirals later concede he got the job done of not just achieving the mission, but showing them how to come home), he never gives up and shows up as a “fill in Dad”, he’s a loyal friend and Leader, who quite literally will have everyone’s backs until the end. He shows up in love. He’s mastering a humble patience and respect of others speed of moving and growth that’s admirable. 


In this respect, I think he’s become one of my favourite movie characters ever. There's gold in here about healing childhood trauma, PTSD and helping Men heal through grief and loss. Dare I say it, this whole story gives me hope, in moments where I have doubted in myself, and stayed Captain, while others rose to Admiral, out of the same fears and false beliefs about not being wanted and my own inadequacies, for which “I need to manage expectations", but more to the point, manage ME, every time I love and live again. And makes me want to step back up as a Teacher, in my own ways in which I’m not always sure how to teach what others might also say I’m masterful at.


In the age of disposable work and personal relationships, stories about loyalty, not leaving your wing person and having each other’s backs through all forms of challenge, really count for something. The love and loyalty and camaraderie (& trauma bonds, in that there’s a certain type/depth of closeness that builds specifically during crisis and adversity) between Mav & Ice, decades later after Mav & Goose, the healing journey between Mav and Bradley, ‘as family’ and the reconciliation of Mav & Penny, as he heals his demons, is inspiring and a source of hope, aspiration and clearly a source of resonance for many.


The very idea of Mav & Ice and Rooster & Hangman, and then all the other pilots, being able to grow through the challenges, to work as teams and become a close team of Wingpeople, who have each others backs until the literal near, or actual ends of their lives, is a beautiful example of teamwork and leadership we can all aspire to, as we all face relatable culture challenges, across many other industries and areas of life.  According to the female real life fighter pilots too, who report that the Women are often an example of ‘doing it right’, compared to the bits of machismo that get weeded out, Phoenix too (who Maverick, as Team Leader on the mission, selects from the squad as his Wing Woman, along with Rooster and Coyote) is also a brilliant example of how female pilots really do act as a balancing, unifying force, within such teams in real life.

Happy International Women’s Day to you! This year, in addition to sending a little love to all people who identify as Women everywhere, I also wanted to celebrate the achievements of one of the sometimes forgotten, but ever growing groups of Women; those without children by choice or circumstance. There is an unfortunate stereotype that exists for this group of Women, (for the whole group of people of all genders who identify as childfree by choice or circumstance really) that inherently impacts on the open participation of this group of Women in today. One that says that if you are one, you’re inherently narcissistic, selfish and contribute nothing of value to society by doing so.


This notion, as a self professed Women without kids by the combination of choice and circumstance, who is friends with, works with, runs programs for, speaks and writes now about how to thrive in career love and life as a Women exploring life beyond the traditional life path of biological Motherhood, I feel the emphatic, compulsive obligation to, with love, call bullsh*t on.  So much so, that I spent the last few days navigating through hundreds of wikipedia linked articles and digging up lists of at least 400 famous people of various occupations who didn’t go on to have children of their own, yet are household names you would likely recognise, and then shortly after also likely realise have more than likely been a frequent part of your reality, growth and enjoyment during the course of your time on our humble planet, wherever upon it you reside.


Granted, this is a little Western White Privileged Middle Class born White Woman who identifies as slightly more bisexual than cis gender heterosexual centric in my compilation. But if you’re in this group of people yourself, I want you to know, especially today, that I see you! I see how often, how very purpose oriented and driven, how extremely dedicated and just how hard-working for your causes that you are. I see you struggling with your own version of creating work life balance, wealth and sustainability, while you’re managing and juggling all your professional projects, relationships, businesses, side hustles…and trying to squeeze in time to date or be present for friends and family at the same time. I see you feeling second to the hard working, high achieving Mums and feeling like it’s not ok to honour you in comparison, to ask or to celebrate all that you are and bring to the world, out in public. But you know that you really do deserve your time today too, right? There are so many millions of Women without kids of their own out there doing life changing, world impacting work out there that is absolutely a legacy to the world that deserves to be seen and celebrated, openly and with pride, today of all days, and every day.


So if you are one, please join me in taking just 5 minutes some time today to sit somewhere quiet, close your eyes, list at least 3-5 reasons that the world is so damn lucky to have you. To affirm that what unique gifts you bring to the world are so very needed in the world, right now of all times. And to reaffirm to yourself that you are needed, your belong here and it is your time to not just shine in the world, and to build your legacy. But to thrive in being happy, in creating a life you truly love,  and expressing your fullest potential, in a thousand other ways (other than having achieved the miracle of growing a life and squeezed a baby out your ………. That is an EPIC achievement that deserves a whole lot of celebration…..and so too is the reason your were born to this planet, and you living this next phase of your journey is a needed part of your unique life purpose…and the very reason you’re here. For the little and big differences you will make in the world, we thank and celebrate you today. Bless and thank you. Massive love and huge hugs to you.


Nat xx


P.S. For inspirational and educational purposes this International Women’s Day, here is a list of 7 well-known Women who didn’t have children of their own (+ at least 1 Step Mum), that you might know of, that I think are pretty epic, who’ve made a massive positive impact in society in various ways too. (Big thanks and acknowledgement to the countless contributors to the wiki resources and articles linked below and paraphrased or quoted above, from which I’ve compiled the below achievements and bios.

​Fatema Mernissi

Fatema Mernissi, a Moroccan sociologist and feminist writer, who was one of the founders of Islamic feminism, is known for her sociopolitical approaches towards discussing gender and sexual identities, specifically those in Morocco and other Muslim countries. Throughout her career, Mernissi was an avid spokesperson regarding women's rights and equality, while also embracing the Islamic faith. Mernissi's works focused on providing a voice for oppressed and marginalized women, tackling issues such as Eurocentrism, intersectionality, transnationalism and global feminism in her publications and public lectures.  She has also brought to light the contributions of Muslim women to the economy and politics and acknowledged many factors that affect how females are viewed within Islamic cultures. As well as externally by Western Feminism.  She apparently studied political science at the Sorbonne in Paris and later at Brandeis University in the US, where she gained her doctorate in 1974.  And then returned to work at the Mohammed V University in Rabat and taught at the Faculté des Lettres between 1974 and 1981 on subjects such as methodology, family sociology and psychosociology. She was also apparently a research scholar at the University Institute for Scientific Research there. [5]


In addition to her most influential publications, she received several awards for her work. “In 2003, Mernissi was awarded the Prince of Asturias Award, along with Susan Sontag. Mernissi's acceptance speech, The Cowboy or Sinbad?, covered the topic of globalization, and was recognized for her pensive take, considering both the issue and effects of culture. In 2004, she was awarded the Erasmus Prize, alongside Sadik Al-Asm and Abdolkarim Soroush.” “For this award, she was recognized for her sociocultural impact since it was dedicated to "Religion and Modernity". “In 2017, The Middle East Studies Association created the Fatima Mernissi Book Award to recognize outstanding scholarship in studies of gender, sexuality, and women’s lived experience ”. [5]


Mernissi, I believe, never had children, but her legacy is the scholarly and literary contributions  she made to the early Islamic feminist movement and the undeniable impact they have had and continue to have in the world. [5]

What we saw on the surface last year in almost all relationships in life, personal and professional, was a whole lot of conflict and tension over differing viewpoints about needs and what should be done in the world. Social media became even more of the messy, dirty, overused, under-maintenanced public toilet than it already was for projection of heated opinions, as people actively, often spontaneously discharged their tensions on one another, over their differing opinions on what was the best course of action.

​But the real problem/s underlying this often had little do with what was actually being said in the moment to the other person. That one thing may have, in some instances, been the straw that broke the camel’s back, that lead to the discharge of 10+ years of pent up tension release over issues people had been holding in and NOT saying for that whole time, about what about the other had hurt or offended them prior.


But much of the underlying problem under all of this, beyond skill in being able to articulate where you’re at and what you need, and negotiate for mutually beneficial outcomes, with kindness, compassion, maturity and respect, is actually our capacity to feel safe in the world. And safe from the inside out, without needing anybody out there in the world to do anything, or change anything that THEY are doing, or remove something, in order for us to feel safe. The perception of safety is an inside job.


While many will try and influence our thinking, nobody else can actually choose to think the thoughts we think for us, that lead to us perceiving a certain situation in any given way. Let alone as threatening or not. Just as nobody else can react or respond to the incoming sensory data we receive about the world on our behalf. It is WE who have the ultimate mental/free will power to regulate both our instinctive AND consciously chosen responses. Thus, there is a skill in itself to HOW we navigate the kind of stressful and challenging external situations that we can’t change much about.


Think firefighters or ambos going into crisis situations and the measures they take to stay calm and in control. As well as the Wim Hof’s, free-divers or spiritual gurus of the world in meditation, all of whom have learned how to consciously regulate things like their body temperature, respiration rate, level of nervous system arousal or brain wave patterns, even immune responses, with conscious intent. With training and practice, I believe we are all capable of this same level of mental and physical self management.


But for the large part, nobody has taught many of us either HOW to create an internal sense of safety, without needing to turn to a parent figure, a partner, an authority figure, a mentor or teacher, or point a finger at what the government needs to do; or change in the outside world, so that we can “stay safe.“


I suspect that this year will be a breakdown and breakthrough point for many of realising that NO amount of demanding someone else, friend, work colleague, family member, the public or the government or your employer,  the neighbour, that person at the mall or teenager on the bus, is ultimately going to change the amount of fear and anxiety that STILL persist in our heads AFTER someone on the outside takes action to control, block, reprimand, or remove, add something.   


So as I kept working on what to include in the Say It Like It Is But Please Be Kind book and program content, as part of an answer to the last years communicating and relating problems, it quickly occurred to me just how much all of us working on helping people with improving communication in workplace and personal settings, can teach us all kind communication skills til we’ve taught the whole world. And it can STILL come undone, if we don’t address the deeper underlying problem that many are facing in the world right now, of “how do I create an internal sense of safety, and more effectively deal with my own stuff, in the face of external threats and challenges, in order to 1) create better communication outcomes 2) improve the quality of our relationships and 3) safe guard and nurture their longevity of our most important personal AND professional connections?


How we go about creating an inner sense of safety is both incredibly simple and extensively complex, depending on any given person’s sense of safety. There are 8 things we can all universally do very quickly and easily to shift our mental and physical state in as little as 30 seconds, to 30 minutes.


But then, depending on each person’s unique history and circumstance, any given “how to create internal safety” plan for each individual, and the particular strategies, tools and techniques one could draw upon to shift their state and create more internal safety, needs to be uniquely tailored to each individual, to better address the deeper reasons why they really feel anxious or fearful in the first place. And what’s really up with that.


In addition to being part of the answer to solving our bigger picture communication problems, for the Leaders and Speakers in my online groups, (thank you for your recent survey responses of late RE content for this year, very much appreciated), this also has a massive benefit for the quality of both our ability to show up in our unique presence as Leaders, our ability to be present and available in one on one communication AND our capacity to show up fully as the best versions of ourselves and bring the most of ourselves in service to our group meetings and speaking engagements.


I’d be talking about creating internal safety, dealing with our stuff, and heart centred communication in a little more depth in 2 programs, some webinars/lives and a book this year. In the interim, if you’d like to chat further about what practices, tools, techniques and strategies you can employ as a part of your own “safety is an inside job” plan, you’re most welcome to book in with me here.

Have a wonderful week.

Have fun, take care.

Nat xx

It’s been a BIG year of (often highly charged conversations) focusing on what set many of us APART. So whether you’re thinking about how to bring a team closer together through or post WFH/lockdown, or how to bring a little more harmony to connections in general over the holiday season, I thought this week we’d do 7 ways to help close the gap and build greater connection through communication. Which, building upon last week, is 7 ways to improve the quality of our engagement and show that we're invested in building the connection.


1. Active listening:
To listen and take an active interest in what is going on in people’s lives is one of the simplest ways to show that you care and are interested to know more about the other. 

What is active listening? It is the practice of bringing as much of your attention as you can to observing what verbal and non-verbal messages are being communicated to us by another, and then providing a short feedback summary to the person speaking, for the sake of clarifying that you’ve accurately interpreted what they were meaning to say and are both on the same page. The whole idea though is that we spend more of our time focusing on and listening to the other, rather than talking about ourselves or preparing for our next opportunity to talk. Whether we've been taught the technical term and process, i think, mostly, we know this. But when things get busy, life happens, or we need things done now, are we still making time to do it is a valid question? Investing our presence is foundational in encouraging engagement and closing the gaps of either unfamiliarity, or much time apart.



2. Ask more questions than we’re waiting for the opportunity to answer

To aid in our attempt to spend more time listening and information gathering, as well as to expand conversational possibilities, it also helps to ask more questions. And ask open questions at that. Ones that start with a "WHAT, WHERE, HOW WHEN, WHICH or WHO" and thus lead to a more extensive answer than just a single word response, like a yes or no. These open up all manner of conversational possibilities. Keeping the focus on them, and being genuinely curious to know more about them, while actively listening to their answers, also suggests that you’re genuinely interested or invested, when you want someone to know that you care. 


3. Notice what lights them up, what they like and what is really important to them

Which you can then focus those above questions on further exploring in the here and now. Or then bring it up as a conversation starter at a later date. But either way, the basic premise of building rapport, interesting conversations and future engagement, is to follow the love. And start first with what they love.
If you know that you’re going to see them again but you're worried you'll forget the fine details, no stress. This is where you could use some form of note taking app/system (and or CRM program) to your advantage. Stick or record a short note in a notes app or diary, and then transfer, or have someone transfer it for you to their last touchpoint or notes in the CRM. So that you can come back to it for reference sake at a later date. For them, the bigger point is that we actually took the time to take note of what really matters most to them. In a world that is overly busy and time poor, taking the time to take note shows that you care and are invested, which is hugely impactful on its own in creating rapport and creating comfort for them to open up more in future.



4. Look for the things that you have in common and focus this or future conversations on those

One of the easiest things to drill further into, in the quest of building, or rebuilding rapport, is to ask questions about some of the things that you too are passionate about or interested in. If you’re struggling to find something, you can create a common interest or goal. Like, for example, suppose you both worked out that you’ve been getting slack on your gym routine or a daily walk. Or one of you just read about some new out-of-the-box hobby. Or there is a new book or podcast coming out, or an upcoming professional event or training related to something you’re both trying to achieve. Whatever it is, you can then use whatever it as a perfectly valid reason to touch base in future. (& indirectly, provide a sign of encouragement that you want there to BE a future.)



5. Give them a sincere compliment about something about them that you uncover that you admire 

I keep saying it over and over because it is something that we both fear to do, for fear of being rejected in revealing the vulnerability of our true feelings and, at other times, might struggle to actually receive it ourselves for any number of reasons. BUT a reminder, there is research on what makes us perceive someone as likeable that shows that the people who are viewed as the most popular and likeable, are actually the people who are the best at seeing the good in others and verbally expressing it openly to the people they encounter. In the game of social reciprocity, leading with compliment love, tends to also lead to people endeavouring to return the favour. Not to mention, feeling safe to come closer and engage more.


6. Ask a question that elevates them

As an alternative to directly giving them a compliment, we could also ask them a question that gives them a chance to talk up something that they view as a past achievement. And then feel free to affirm/encourage/congratulate/admire/be impressed by their answer. By way of us having a positive response, and showing oneself to be an encourager, an uplifter and someone who is not threatened or intimidated by, but able to find happiness in the wins of others, this subtly affirms that the other party are safe to let their guard down and be themselves around us.



7. Own your B.S. 

Have you noticed how the pandemic, at first, brought out the best in many people, but then, as the stress levels and demands rose and tolerance levels dropped, brought out the worst at others? Hurling your sh#t at others as a coping mechanism, I think, has become WAY too permissible this year. So, one of the best ways we can recreate a sense of interpersonal safety, and show them that it’s safe to connect from minute 1 of engagement/re-engagement, is to show others that we’re capable of self reflection, owning our own B.S. and processing it in healthy ways. Especially as Managers and Leaders, it's important that we lead by example in modelling HOW to deal with our stuff in healthy ways. Maybe by way of speaking up when we realise we messed up. Maybe by apologising in a moment where we offended or dropped the ball. Maybe by way of thanking people for being patient with us or a situation. Maybe by way of just naming the beast and affirming that you want to create a space that’s free of [insert undesirable behaviour] and values [insert relevant values or qualities]. However we do it, this builds trust and confidence in that it is safe to engage and invest further in our space and this connection.


All of these are practical ways we can build upon what we were talking about last week in being intentional about what we’re bringing to the space. Of being mindful of what energy we bring to the connection and how we would ideally want someone to feel after spending time with us. It’s a been a big year for needing to process some big emotions and responses and needing to find healthy ways to do that. But it’s also about being mindful of what percentage of our time we spend taking energy from others by asking the focus to be on our needs, verses what percentage of time we spend asking "how can I take an interest in, or give something to the other person here?"


With the right people, who are genuinely interested in building something together with us, so much of this is also about leading with your own investment, and then matching the other person's investment back with more investment. As dating Coach Matthew Hussey once put it, a bit like connection building tennis. While so much of this is about serving them something that they can return back, to close the gap and keep the interaction going, requires that we not miss it and stay present when they return. And stay present and keep going for the rally. In engagement tennis, if you start going for the solo win and ace one down the back left corner, or they to you, actually you lose a point, not gain one. Because ongoing engagement is all about the quality rally; the mutual win and progress. Master the rally and then make it interesting. Make sense?


Thanks so much for taking the time to read these this year. It's much appreciated. And here's hoping you have a happy, safe, fun and restful holiday break. Until next time....


Nat xx


P.S. What's on in 2022: If you would like to create more balance in living your leadership purpose, bring forward more of your unique leadership presence AND master the art of heart centred, authentic communication, so that you can succeed in making a greater positive impact through your work, dramatically improve the quality of connection and engagement with others, and create a working life they truly love, you might like to check out our new programs for early 2022:

When it comes to connecting with others and projecting an energy that makes them feel safe, welcome and sincerely excited to be around us, the intentions we hold and thoughts we are thinking about people matter way more than we might think. When someone thinks the world of us and is beaming love and gratitude about us, at us, we feel it. 


Just as we can feel it when someone is looking right at us, but using the masterful, biological supercomputer between their ears to judge us, to try and process how they are triggered by us, to put us in a mental box based on what they know about the world, or to look for faults in our physical appearance, as much as physical features to compliment. Or dare I say it, in terms of our secret inner biochemistry, get a hit of dopamine or oxytocin off, or not. Which is why the thoughts that we think about others and the energy that we send in their direction is so important when it comes to relating well with others. 


If we are to be relatable, likeable and influential leaders and communicators, around whom others feel safe, retraining ourselves to look and feel for what we love about people and appreciate what makes them unique is such an important skill to master. It makes a huge difference between us becoming someone at work and in life that people feel comfortable to approach and want to spend a whole lot of time around, and happily work with and for. Or us becoming someone that, they can’t quite put their finger on why, but they just feel like sh#t when they’re around us and might start feeling like they need to manage how much time they spend with us.

​The importance of taking the time to feel and see the inner beauty and uniqueness of what makes someone truly unique on the inside, as opposed to just the outside, was imprinted upon me very young. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day my Mum died. One of the memories that often sticks with me from that day, was the moment that we arrived to be standing or sitting at the end of her hospital bed, 5 minutes after she had just passed. One of the things that absolutely struck me in that moment was that, for how incredibly, advanced, intricate and beautiful this biological machine is that we call a body, suddenly it seems “screen door in a submarine” level redundant when you realise, in the total absence of this person you loved so much's energy, and their essence any longer lighting up their body in that moment, that it's not the vessel at all that you loved and were so attached to. It was the beauty and magnificence, and the thousands of unique intricacies and qualities of the consciousness, the presence, the personality that was them, lighting it up from the inside, that really mattered. That we were truly connected to and truly loved.


And from that moment onwards, when it came to relating with others, I became far less interested in people’s physical appearances and the intricacies of daily dramas and trivialities, and made it one of my missions (i don't always win) to always do my best to look and feel for who was on the inside. (That, and to try and make the most of each and every opportunity I have with someone, to appreciate the preciousness of that unique moment in time and show up fully for it. Knowing that, at any given moment, for any number of reasons, that person in front of you, might, one day, never be there again. And you might never get another chance.) So how can we do our best to get over our human “stuff” and show up for those moments?


I was watching an Eckhart Tolle interview on Youtube last week, in which he mentioned the analogy of how, from the moment you teach a child that a bird is a bird, the child stops seeing the bird. In other words, up until that moment, the child was experiencing the bird live in real-time in the moment. Feeling, seeing, hearing, experiencing the bird as it actually is, and drawing conclusions for themselves. But, the moment you implant a mental construct of what a bird is into their consciousness as learning, they stop experiencing the bird live, and start projecting onto the bird, a construct of who and what the bird is. Instead of experiencing and connecting with the bird itself, live in the moment. 


This is a shame, because then we stop really connecting with the actual bird, and start engaging instead with, almost like a holographic image that the movie projectors in our eyes, projected onto the space about 1cm directly in front of the bird. That obscures us from seeing the real bird. Which, If we’re not careful, we can then mistake as the bird, and then start spending our lives engaging with and conversing with the projection image in front of the bird. Instead of with the bird.

​How often in life do you think we are also doing this with other people? With what we’ve learned about who they are and how they work, instead of looking and feeling for who they actually really ARE, live in the moment, 1cm behind our projection? How often are we really looking for and relating with the real THEM, as opposed to having a conversation and playing out our “stuff” with the projection we lay in front of them, instead of relating with who they actually are? Is it just me, or when you realise that this is what we might often be doing, does it suddenly seem a bit “nuts” to be spending our time relating with "fake them?" While, meanwhile, the whole time the actual person is waiting RIGHT THERE for us to show up and engage with actual THEM?


If we want to be better leaders, better partners, better friends, better students, teachers, employers, employees, be better at what we DO, maybe we need to stop “projaculating” our mental projections all over them. And start seeing, feeling for, and engaging with who they really ARE, live in the moment. THAT is where the gold of engagement and true connection lies. And it’s not some form of “toxic positivity” to look for the love and cultivate appreciation in the process, for ALL that they are. I think it’s reconnecting with the highest, soulful potential of who we really are and what we are really capable of, when we relate from that place of authenticity, in the NOW. And the benefits and flow-on effects of us doing so, are vast.


Until next time….

​These changes can feel scary and confusing on the ground, in the moment, and it makes sense to take time to come up with strategies to ensure we can well support OURSELVES through all of these.

Within all the these changes, for some, from a bigger picture perspective, I have a hunch there might just be a kind of universal, gentle push onto a new path behind all this, for those of us who know deep down that you are and were born to be one of the future Leaders and Change-makers in creating a new way. One that is more sustainable for the planet and the people and allows more of us to thrive over the long term.

Some doors to being a part of old ways of doing things might be closing this year. But it helps to remember that few doors close for us unless they're no longer meant for us, and a new door has opened. Paving a new, non traditional path, brick by brick, in front of you along the way, can feel scary and uncertain. BUT, for some of us, THIS is exactly what we came here for. And now is the time.

Now is the time to unite with all the others on a similar path and, if you haven't already (I know many of you have) start living and creating and serving in ways that feel more in alignment with creating the more sustainable, highest road for humanity and the future generations going forward.

Where i can, i'd love to help.

I'm on a mission to offer 40 free/donation based strategy sessions to help 40 Awesome people step more fully into their purpose and reclaim their time and freedom to do more of what they love, with the people they love, while making headway and the greater positive impact they really want to make in the world, by Feb 2022....

Which of the things you love to do have you been doing lately? Whether by choice, chance or circumstance of late, which ones might have become the things you will do again one day? Amidst the need during the pandemic to jump in moments to doing something else for cash flow, and the constant requirement to check websites to work out what you can and can’t safely do in public this week, trying to stay safe around this (or any virus) we fear really, can be a bit of a buzz kill.


But as we in Sydney/NSW start to re-emerge from solitary/defacto/share house/family confinement, as I talked to people last week about ‘what next’ for expressing their passion and purpose, I couldn’t help but notice a little bit of hesitation; a habit we’ve got into of looking left and right first for permission, to see if we REALLY can, before we pick up momentum in our gait, walking out the door.


This is a terrible metaphor, but I couldn’t help but remember back to my years growing up and helping out on farms (and doing work experience at domestic and agricultural vets during the Zoology and Agriculture portions of my Biological Science degree) to when you brought the animals into the yards, for some form of activity to manage or take care of them. When you’re done and it’s time to let them back out to the paddock again, very often, when you re-open the gate or door again, and just leave them to be, it takes a while for the sheep or cows or one of the horses to be the first to head on back out the gate to the paddock, despite the fact that they’re now free. Until the animals decide to wander back out, grazing as they do. Or to perhaps floor it and gallop a few hundred metres, in the similar way I used to, to when me on a motorbike or me on one of our horses would do, once we were through the gate and had the open expanse of paddocks out in front to travel into. 


It seems like when you put humans in home confinement, we’re not that much different, in that, as we head back out into the world, there is a similar hesitation and looking left and write (back to the website) to work out what you can and can’t do, and if this new freedom is really allowed and going to last. For both, doing is temporarily suspended by a process of discernment. Some things that we love to do, we may have been able to still do at home. But it’s time to give ourselves permission to do more of it again, in the here and now. In fact, it’s worth remembering you don’t need anybody’s bloody permission to find ways to live our joy in the first place.


No-one has the right to dictate the space in our head, where our inner most thoughts exist. We get to choose what things that we love, that we think about in there. We don’t need external permission to feel what we feel, or to love who we love, or what we love. We don’t need external permission to find expressions of what we love. But we might like to choose to call our power and energy back from thoughts and daydreams about what we will do again ‘some day.’ And instead bring it back to what we can do right NOW. To letting the energy of it permeate every one of our experiences and actions we take right now. Because passion and purpose is not just a thinking and a feeling thing. It’s a doing thing.


Some of the typical reasons in the old world why we might not have been pursuing our passion and purpose might have sounded a little bit like: “I’m not allowed,” I’m not good enough at,” ‘maybe it won’t work (and I’ll look bad),” ‘maybe its not wanted,” “I don’t have time to,” or “I need to do or have this first and then I can….” I think one of the biggest fears of right now is “maybe it won’t last?” Sometimes too, we repress it. A PhD holding friend once said that the human body had the capacity to be in pleasure states ALL the time. But it’s we who shut it down because of….. (insert belief, story, fear or social convention). Why don’t we think we deserve to feel good and do what we love, more of the time?


I don’t need to do another workshop about exploring what my passion and purpose is. I just want to DO my passion and purpose.
I don’t think about the possibility of dancing in my lounge room. I just dance in my lounge room.
I don’t want to do a deep dive think about what’s getting in the way of me being better at playing a piano again; I just want to sit at my keyboard and play something until I know a piece and it flows.
I don’t want to wait until the world is “open for face to face business” again before I create spaces for Women to connect and share again. I pick a date and create a space and a way to do it under current circumstances, and then it happens sooner than the ‘one day’ we might be waiting for again.


Much of this is about giving ourselves permission.
Inviting the energy and expression of what we love into ourselves.
Connecting with it.
And then running with the desire it inspires to do something about it.
To make it practical and implementable in the world.


It’s not some mythical thing off out there somewhere. It doesn’t have to be so complex. We just need to decide, do I do I not want to make room to be, do and have more expressions of what I love in my world today. 


Circumstances might change, but no-one can ever take our capacity for love, passion and purpose away, unless we let them. How will you make room to do more of what you love in your world this week?


Until next time....


Nat

P.S. If you would like to explore the "what next for next year?" part in a little more depth, you are most welcome to join me on the below webinar and masterclasses...

What practices do you have that help you create an inner sense of safety in stressful times? 

Right now, (before i get going on writing a whole new series of blogs this next 12 weeks exploring how to solve a range of common communication challenges, this actually seems like the more pressing and relevant question this week. As right now, it’s like there are two pandemics; that involving the illness itself and that involving the psychological spread of fear throughout the population. And you’ve probably noticed that lots of people around you are talking about recently having had a bad day? Or a few days? Maybe you’re one of those people who has recently also had a bad day? Having lost a parent young (and gone through quite a few rather traumatic things young) how to create inner safety, at times where your mind isn’t accepting/trusting in the idea that you have much safety externally, has been at least one of the dominant themes of my journey of this life. 


But, as someone who had also once majored in Microbiology during my Biological Science degree and once had one arm of my Counselling private practice dedicated to helping people get back to living normal dating and relating lives they love beyond navigating the stress and medical complexity of being diagnosed with virally caused sexual illnesses like HSV, or other ongoing reproductive or sexual health or disfunction concerns, I’m also very mindful that this individual and collective fear we are now experiencing is part of the normal spectrum of human reactions to any virus that, worst case scenario, may have “diabolical effects’’ on us or others, and best case, may have literally decades to come of almost none (lockdown impacts not included in "none.") If you're interested, i did actually once map the stages of the typical journey most people progress through when coming to terms with living with the kinds of viruses that like to hang around, even when you're like "uh, dude, i thought i made it clear that i'm just NOT that into you?" Probably it's worth a share? Definitely with the Government, who seem to be stalling in stages 2-4....and there are 10 all up. But i've digressed...


This week I thought I’d share what has turned out to be a LONG list of several things I personally have learned to do over the course of my (often, as it turns out, independent) journey, to help find your inner zen again, when you (temporarily) get caught in the fear rapids and feel like the whole world is being washed away. (This is actually a point form summary of points from many of my blogs from the last year, but repurposed through the lens of thriving on your own two independent feet.)


My challenge to you is to go through this list and pick at least 3 that you’re going to stick on your to do list going forward. Ready? Ok, let's do this thing anyway.....


Practices for Creating Inner Safety 

• Breathing and meditation or mindfulness practices that help calm and re-set the nervous system, our energy and mood are an important part of this. You can take it a step further with what you choose to meditate on. We’ll come back to that.

 

• What music you listen to can also help. In a chat group the other day, a few different people brought up relaxing tracks with subliminal affirmations built in on YouTube as one of their tools of choice right now.

 

• Gentle movement, like yoga, might help re-set you. (If running or high energy activity helps re-set you too, do it. But its good to be mindful that, for someone in panic attack mode, gentle might be better for your body in a moment where you already just pumped the gas on your adrenals like you were trying to accelerate to 70, but got stuck in 1st gear. )

 

• Making sure you’re on top of your bodies physical needs also means your body can turn off some screaming warning alarms, that might be taking up your mental bandwidth. Drinking enough water, getting the nutrients your body needs and getting on top of your hormones and health concerns also helps wipe out a huge amount of anxiety. 

 

• Taking some time to limit our exposure to the media and social media might be another important part of NOT triggering oneself further.

 

• Acknowledging and talking about what is going on can be important to unburden the sense of suffering in silence (when really many others are likely going through similar things too). Reaching out to others is important. 

 

• Depending on the intensity of what is coming up for you, it might be time to talk to a Therapist about any survival or social belonging related fears (that you might also have thought you’d already nailed) that are suddenly surfacing amidst all this and how to best heal and move beyond them. 

 

• In our every day conversations at work, with partners, family and friends, I think it is also important to monitor how much air time we let talk of the virus take up. And to proactively make sure we set times to debrief about it, but then still focus on other things. Like our shared visions, like our work, like what a sustainable, better world looks like beyond this time, like what makes us laugh, like what activities we love to do and make us feel alive. Not to mention that bring us inner calm.

For some, in moments, the absence of physical people or the possibility of physical affection (if thats one of your love languages) is at times a cause of distress right now too. But how else does one also cope and thrive in long periods of time single or living alone? What other little rituals do you do for you, in the moments where there just aren’t physical people, or the possibility of physical affection? Here have been some more of my go-to strategies...

• Going to where you can go in nature and leaning on, sitting against, or hugging a tree. Now that we have much scientific evidence on the capacity of trees and plants to communicate with each other via fungal networks, it no longer feels so nuts to say that when you hug a tree, you feel like it hugs you back!? But regardless of whatever you do or don’t believe about this, the reality remains that most people report feeling much clearer and calmer after spending time sitting under or against a tree. 

 

• Putting our bare feet on the earth or the grass, on the sand or in water also has a physically and psychologically grounding affect that may well help right now. 

 

• As does going for a swim or having a bath.

 

• For some people, making or creating things is calming, grounding and soothing. Especially if you’re very tactile and hands on.

 

• All the CBT and NLP and positive affirmations in the world are great when you’re calm. But can feel about ‘screen door in a sub marine level useful when someone tells you to recite them in the middle of a panic attack piggy-backing on the back of CPTSD. Especially when they relate to the exact opposite state to the one you’re in. 

So (unless they’re subliminally inserted under some You tube track you’re listening to for releasing anxiety and letting go of negativity and stress), if you find they don’t work for you in moments of high stress, I would suggest changing them out in this instance instead for Words of Reassurance. Particularly if that’s a love language you grew up with and have an affinity for too.


Whether as self talk, a love not to self, or something once delivered to you by someone else.  Think of what words calm a small child, or what calmed you when you were in the full throws of a tired or overwhelmed public tantrum way back when. 


Think co-regulation through embodying a calm nervous system they can feel into, words of reassurance and embracing them with the Mum/Dad/Family Member ‘magic touch’ that is firm enough to send the message that “I’ve got you and you’re safe and protected and it’s gong to be ok” but gentle enough that it says “love, gentleness and TLC.” Think Mothers' gently stroking your hair or gently rubbing your back and what that energy felt like. 


It’s not just about the act of it, it’s the energy that goes with it. And our primal brains may well respond very well to this kind of reassurance and energy turned inwards in such moments where we wish there was some grown up or at least friend or partner, who could come and make it all ok and do the adulting for a bit in our down moments. But right now, for whatever reason, there isn’t. Well the good news is there is actually, but it’s YOU, so:

• What self talk of reassurance can you tell yourself?

 

• What quality of energy can you imagine surrounding yourself in a bubble of during your meditation, lying in bed, or taking a bath?

 

• What self soothing physical touch can you offer yourself in the absence of another human?

 

• Stressed energy often turns into stressed mannerisms. (Welcome to my fringe that never grows out, the mouth ulcer you bite into the side of your own mouth, nail biting, the pen clicking or foot tapping and restless legs, and the scratching and picking at things) You could also choose to channel the energy of any stress/anxiety related mannerisms into engaging in self soothing physical behaviours.

-Like putting a hand on your heart/chest and one on your lower belly, or placing your own reassuring hand on your own leg and intending to calm and comfort yourself, in the same way as you would the upset child above.
-Every time you have to physically contact yourself for some form of grooming, hygiene or self care routine, it can be nice to use this as an opportunity to show yourself a similar level of care and presence. Eg not just mechanically moisturising or shaving or showering or washing your hair or even self pleasuring habitually or mechanically in a mad rush, and instead, make any and ALL acts of touching and caring for yourself a commitment of love, in the same way you might want to nurture and care for a lover, and want a lover to care for you.
The key is to see these as practices of immense value, over an 'inferior substitute', or 'some weird thing only weird lonely people do'. (It’s not, really, it’s something healthy people can do to help themselves feel whole, and in turn, make their relationships too even healthier. To bring them to a place where we’re no longer coming from our own personal wounds and insecurities and feelings of lack and intense neediness. And instead, feel whole and content, before we go out into the world and attempt anything else, or to relate with anyone else, If that makes any sense?

• As some other more advanced expressions of the Inner child process work, you might also like to explore what childhood beliefs and experiences are still holding you back and how to heal and move beyond them:

 

• Whether with a Therapist holding the space. Or if you no longer need or want to access that, you might visualise having a chat with your inner child and your grown up self during a meditation. 

 

• Or do an automatic writing exercise, where you write out a script of the conversation that evolves between you and they, where you each take turns to talk. 

 

• Or you might drag out the Gestalt/Drama Therapy empty chair technique and nominate someone you have some unfinished business with (that ties into your unsafely story) to sit in it and see what comes out of it if you have a chat.  

The aim of all of these is to work things back to a place of love, understanding and trust, on the other side of whatever needs to move.
Other things to meditate on when it comes to developing our inner sense of safety and courage and what that practically looks like :

• Have you met your inner Warrior/ess?

 

• Particularly for the Women, soooo many Women's workshops focus on the strong Feminine archetypes, but have you met your inner Masculine ones? What wisdom and support might they have to offer?

“The arty therapisty things” aren’t necessarily for everyone. But sometimes, when you just need to get some energy out, or you’re stuck on why you feel stuck and feel out of sorts, sometimes these can be great means of getting past your conscious mind for insights on what is going on. And most importantly, on what you actually need right now. Hence it makes the list.

• If you’re into writing, you might also like to re-write a far more inspiring ending to your hero’s journey, than whatever the fear is worry is suggesting to you.
• Or draw or paint some intentional art piece that is intended to make you feel safe every time you look at it.

Some things i also put in a blog on Female resilience last year:

• Have you ever done or considered doing a self defence class or a female-only martial arts class?

There's a great blog you might like to check out that openly dispels the fear that most Women walk the world with that "Women are physically weaker and therefore vulnerable to Men" and helps Men address their fears about this) here:

• On Spirituality and Spiritual Support: a bit like when Rhey talks to the Jedi in the Last Star Wars movies, maybe there might be comfort too in 
• calling on your ancestors
• calling on your guides or 'guardian angels' or
• calling on whatever divine or universal intelligence/presence you personally resonate with.

​
And asking THEM to be with you. Sometimes faith is THE thing of all things to help reconnect you to a reality that is much grander and more perfect than the things that sometimes go on inside our heads. 
​

• Lots of colleagues and I right now are just distracting ourselves by hurling ourselves head first into various passion and purpose projects of being of service.

THAT’S A BIG ONE. ONCE THERE’S NO GOLD OR BENEFIT LEFT FROM DIGGING AROUND IN CIRCLES WITHIN THE DIRT OF PROCESS, TRY DIVERTING FOCUS AND ENERGY INSTEAD BACK TO OTHER FUTURE THINGS!
​

• Then there’s that old thing of engaging with the ACTUAL people who really DO think you're the bees knees and really are there for you. Who are the people around you, who’ve also got you, who are the encouragers, who can tell you that “you got this!" right now? Maybe it’s tine to be brave and literally reaching out to some of them first? 

 

• Connect more often over Zoom. Even though we might look “alone” in moments of physical time and space, people who think we're cool don't feel so far away when you just DO things together with an open Zoom window between you.

The cool part about the realm of quantum mechanics and energetics too, is that distance and time and space don’t actually need to be “a thing”. There might be some reassurance in remembering that we can feel and we can send our energy and presence to anyone (who is consciously willing to receive it) at any moment in which we can’t physically be with them, but energetically (and telepathically) can.


Maybe these current circumstances are one of the best opportunities ever in history to get even better at communication, by getting really good at awareness, intuition and sensory intelligence, to the point that we can not only read people via a Zoom or a Whatssap chat. But also read them when we can’t even seer or hear them in the room? (We live, after all in a land, where our Indigenous Brothers and Sisters and Elders are Masterful at this, to the point where Elders in this Country from Alice Springs knew things about their kin from Byron Bay they might rarely, if ever, have met. How cool is that? (And we once thought WE were the “Advanced ones”!?)


Some of my shamanic and Transpersonal Art Therapy friends and I have had A LOT of fun with this one over the last two decades. Interacting energetically with each other from anywhere from across the room, to across the globe (and then comparing notes on what we experienced.) Maybe it could be something you play with, with the people in your world you care about, but can’t physically be with right now too? Maybe you’re also better at it than you think you are?

Not that we might want to get used to ONLY ever relating with people on the etherial planes. But it IS nice to remember that we're never really as 'alone' as we might think. Alone together. United by love, through time and space.


I’ll leave you with that thought…..


Thinking of you and sending you loads of love and bunch of virtual hugs right now.


Nat xx


P.S. What are your 3 things you picked???


P.P.S I'm currently putting together a new communication masterclass series to help Women become more masterful in taking ownership of what they want and saying what they really mean, in a way that gets them the kind of mutually beneficially outcomes they really want in personal and professional relationships. Is there a topic or challenge in particular that you'd like to see it address? Feel free to fill out the questions and or book a call with me below....