Moving beyond anger and its counter defensiveness

Anger has a distinct purpose as an inner communication signal, in that it’s most common job is to alert us to circumstances in which something has occurred that is way off base with our ideas of how things should work, how we, or others should conduct ourselves, and or be treated. But where we often get stuck in communicating about that thing with others, is that noticing the feeling of that initial warning bell, is only about 15% of the way along the journey to uncovering the full extent of what that warning bell is really trying to communicate, relative to what actually needs to be communicated to the other. Hence communicating based on that initial impulse, before we’ve had enough time to fully download the whole message RE what it’s really about, can end up being about as effective in getting us the outcome we really want, as trying to install and run a program on our laptop when it’s only 15% downloaded? Does that work? Unfortunately, no. 


Don’t kill me (and any readers under 18, please look away), but I thus also liken progressing straight to hasty expressions of intense bursts of emotion based on this initial alarm bell (and any consequential activation of our inner defence system) to the emotional equivalent of premature ejaculation.  Or in this case, the (made up) word that came to mind is “projaculation.” Because it involves both an often spontaneous emission of a whole lot of projected emotionally reactive energy, typically discharged AT another, often based on a need for immediate relief and catharsis. 


Just like the experience of pleasure and the deeper layers of energetic, soulful connection and the host of experiences that can also accompany the body’s experience of shared physical intimacy, the experience of anger also has layers of both physical reactivity, attachments to loving bonds and our heart (if we didn’t care, why would we be so bothered), plus insights and gifts attached to it, that lay in the depths underneath the initial indulgence of that early compulsive urge to unleash it. The message that it’s trying to share is also layered. And it’s rarely just about the thing that we are pointing our finger at. While 3 fingers commonly, remain pointing back at ourselves. 

“They did this to me!” the victim mentality screams.  
“What lead to them doing that to you?" I ask.
“They chose to do that”. 
"And?" I ask
"And what?"
"Did you also take the time at some point to fully explain to them what you needed? And your expectations? Or how the job is ideally, or optimally performed? Did you follow up to clarify and confirm that this was understood? And could therefore be enacted?"
“No.”
"Then who else are you really angry at?
“Me”
"What for?"
"For failing to ask for what I really needed earlier. For failing to do the best job I could of educating and teaching them how I/we expected them to show up."
"So you’re also really angry at?"
“Me.”
“For?”
“Also failing to honour myself and how I expect to be treated, to live up to my expectations about how I should behave and treat others, and for not doing what I really needed to do earlier”
So who do you need to have the conversation with to resolve that?
“Me.”
“Do you need to unleash the anger associated with that on the other party to get the message across?”
“They need to know that I’m upset.
But?
“They also need to know how to do something differently.  What doing better looks like.
“So…”
“I’m better off taking a moment to think through and reframe the message”
“To?”
“Reflect on what the real issue is, but also what is needed instead, to get the outcome we both want. As well as what I need."


And there you have it. Following through just one conversation with that anger as an example, if we listened to the voice of our inner anger a little longer, it had more to say. And what it had to say in full, was about to lead to a much better outcome for both parties, on the other side of the projected frustration at the other, that was also a misdirected expression of frustration at self. And us ideally, as well as them, getting our needs met too.


Conversely, if we just yelled at them based on our initial reaction, what might have happened instead, is the activation in return of the other parties defence system in response and the blocking of the willingness to give audience to our voice and needs under those circumstances. Might have.


I say this as an example, as its one of the the instances I’ve struggling with most in my life, on the expression end, and on the receiving end of others expression of frustration and anger. As a massive over-feeler of feelings, in person, it’s never subtle to others when something with me is either very right, or very wrong. But the number of conflicts I’ve had from childhood onwards, in which I was shut down and other parties refused to listen, because they could see and hear the growing frustration in my tone, and called it abuse, became too long a relational list at one point.  (And fair enough, because there were times in which I was a) progressing straight to projection of hurt, instead of owning what I’d never originally proactively communicated that I needed, and b) that the frustration was either often born of assuming that they didn’t care enough to notice or do anything about it, and therefore that I NEEDED to go too hard on the negative reinforcement aspect in volume, or in complaining, guilting and shaming to get the point across. Which you actually don’t.) 



And then there was the flip side of the coin on me being on the receiving end of others frustration and anger, in response to something I’d said and done, or their own projections and triggers. Which on many occasions from childhood onwards, I’d had the raising of legitimate concerns, turn into and end with me having my stuff thrown and broken, being group beaten and group sexually assaulted, or on other occasions, raped, or drunk beaten and kicked in my sleep, for some thing somewhere, that hadn’t been resolved earlier. I got then so used to being on the receiving end of other’s loss of control, that I went also to the other extreme of learning all the ways to manage and control in them what they couldn’t. Until I felt confident that I could moderate both their stuff if I had to AND better state manage and communicate mine. But in the process, also often stopped trusting in other’s ability to control their anger and frustration. Often at times (like so many in our culture now do) bowing out at the instance of it’s emergence, saying that I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready to deal with this again. 


When either side of either the expression of anger, or the side of resistance to expression of anger as a self defence, is not fully owned and managed though, we end up with a breakdown in the capacity to stay IN a relationship as whole humans and work through normal everyday confusions and challenges of work and personal life, well.   Because frustration and anger are a legitimate internal emotional communication signal, so it’s not realistic to expect others to NEVER feel them. Or to never have defensive responses to triggers within proximity of us, within the relationship WITH us. So we've got to find a way to get ok with the fact that humans are inevitably going to have negative feelings, triggers or defences, as a part of being human.


And getting to the next layers beyond the raw initial expression of anger, or defensive activation of triggers in relationship, involves at times, some self delay and a level of self discipline on our own part, to take the time first, to hear what our reactivity is truly trying to tell each of us IN FULL. And once we’ve got that download, to then communicate about that. 


So a part of mature connection and communication, also involves learning how to both stay in the room if another gets triggered, without making by default, their process about US and our safety. (And our sense of safety solely dependent upon their state.) As well as requires us learning how to “resolve things well.” Or in the case of those of us who’ve experienced others losing control of that anger and progressing to physical violence, learning how to be present again with the ‘normal’ range of negative human responses again, trusting in the capacity and commitment of other or future parties to own and manage them. Without us needing to erupt, or to shut them down prematurely, for our own perceived safety. 


Which, put into practice, at the initial signs of someone becoming triggered, might sound like acknowledging that "you see that they’re upset and you absolutely care about what they need and about resolving this. You want to understand what’s going on and how to be here for them/show up/love/care for them better/do better in this role that you’re in. But you also don’t need to have them punish, guilt and shame you in order for you to understand. As you already feel regretful that this hasn’t gone well and people have got hurt. But what you need to understand here is what do they need instead? So talk to me.... how can I give you what you need in this situation? What do you need from me here? How can I help?"


Instead of anybody shutting anybody down, this involves staying in the room with each other while either is angry or defensively triggered, but giving them time and space and the safety to go beyond communication “projaculation” so that they can listen to it and to hear what their anger is really trying to tell them. And then to still be there to have the dialogue about what comes next on the other side of that. The first few times, because projecting and defending are often such unconscious, on autopilot reactions, it might take a bit of loving boundary setting to name, lovingly, what we're witnessing is going on. 


But in emotional maturity and fighting well alike, there has got to be a commitment on BOTH sides, by each party, to owning their anger, and asking for the time and room to do a healthy process with the energy of it, within the relationship. Taking ownership of containing “the fire”, and doing anything with it, BUT what so often happens, in people using it to arm our words back to the other as weaponry. Bullets loaded full of blame, of accusation, of frustration, of score keeping and bringing back up past occurrences, of character attack, or weaponising vulnerable things the other shared against them.  


That might well be some breathing, some movement, asking for a minute and cutting a lap of the house/floor/the space and then returning, but at least some visualisation, to do something to flow the energy of it out of us.  Even if it’s us feeling, but then visualising chucking that energy at the sun, before then calling in the energy of peace, love, calmness and calling back the energy into us of the higher soulful version of us, who has some much more constructive responses to offer. And calling back in the energy of trust and (as with last week) whatever “support” and energy we need to re-embody our highest expression and be a vehicle for achieving the best possible outcomes, with and for each other.



Whatever “thing” we do with it, we're then embracing our responsibility to be a protector and guardian of the shared space between us, even and especially when it means doing something to protect the other from the volatility of ourselves.  Asking for the time to calm our system down long enough, to then give us room to listen to what our insides have to say. To use the power of insight to get the download on what is really going on. Once we’ve determined what the highest version of us (who’s playing for the team WE, not just team ME) has to say about the situation, then we communicate that back to the other. If at first, one party needs to withdraw within for a bit to get it, so be it, we need to learn to be patient with that, as a part of deescalating our inner defence systems, from DEFCON 2 (imminent nuclear war), back down to 5 (conflict's equivalent of 'rest and digest' mode.) Understanding that it’s harder to get the higher insight to download, when survival brain in running the show and we’re overcome with a cloud of feelings associated with the trigger. 



We would ideally then come back to each other with the insight about what is really needed, to grow the relationship, or get the job done well (depending on the personal or professional context.) And then work through the details of the HOW of that. Does that make some degree of sense?



Lord knows the world could use a little less premature projaculation right now, and use a little more premature self responsibility AND spontaneous emission of literally ANYTHING else from the heart. Just as each of our relationships could too. 'Just sayin.’


With love, until next time...

Nat xx