Dont throw the optimism out with the bypass bathwater just yet

In the recent past, I’d talked about the extremes of positivity and negativity bias. About how sometimes TOO much positivity bias (trying to bypass all of our own negative emotions/painful past experiences and all negativity and drama in others) can have a negative impact on our relationships, for people then coming to feel like it’s not safe or acceptable to be ‘human’ about normal human things in our vicinity. Let alone can potentially delay our own healing, if we’re doing it as a coping mechanism; a form of escapism from having to deal with reality. That’s not to say that one should throw out one’s internal optimistic nature though with the bath water of spiritual bypass and ‘toxic positivity.’

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​Whether it’s me just being me, or another part me being typically “Sagittarian”, despite the amount of spectacularly shitty trauma that’s gone on in my life in places, I’ve also long been known for a Neddy Flanders type capacity to find the upside in literally anything. One of my life mottos, for sure is “sure that totally sucked. BUT sh*t could’ve been worse.” I will then likely list 4 ways in which MY sh%t could’ve been drastically worse, followed by 4 in which I am somehow now wiser or better off for this….(likely, these days at least, I WONT do the same with you without first referencing rules 101 of Counselling and Customer Service: ALWAYS seek to understand and show empathy first, as well as acknowledge the problem, before you ever start suggesting solutions or optimistic ‘Neddy’ rays of gratitude and future possibility to anyone else.) But I’ve digressed. The point is, at times, the ability to see the upside and to see and appreciate the lessons and the hidden gifts in all negative situations is also a necessary survival trait. One that gives balance, both when we’re going through crisis, and later again, when we’re working on healing.  And it’s a function of healing. The final stages of healing from trauma, in models mapping the journey, usually involve both taking full responsibility for what is now within our power to change and create, the envisioning of and feeling into our vision of what we would ideally like to experience in future instead. Followed by a clear decision to go after that, and a plan of commitment to action on creating it. Optimism, feeling the energy of and embracing the possibility of a brighter future, inevitably becomes an essential part of grounding that vision into our waking reality. Hence why we might not want to throw out the optimism with the dirty bath water, in the cleansing journeying of personal and professional development.


Too much negativity bias (and only ever seeing the worst in all circumstances and pre-emptively trying to head off danger), can also put our relationships under a lot of strain. If we’re so busy focusing on fixing what is going wrong, without taking the time to notice what is still going very right, then others can come to feel like they’re not appreciated, constantly under attack and nothing they do is enough or right of us. More than that, in terms of our own wellbeing, there is also such a thing as overdoing it on personal process, trying to heal ALL the wounds and ALL the trauma in rapid succession, so that one can be adequately equipped for and participate optimally in relationships future. This hyper-focus on getting back in control, by healing all the things, as well as getting back in control of our nervous systems, is a very typical response to past trauma. But in helping people recover, it’s also important for people to understand that trying to do too much, too fast, to just get it all over with, can also have a way of blowing up our health and our lives in a whole other way. Let me present myself as exhibit A as evidence in the case for and against this.


Once upon a time, when I first started doing a lot of the deeper healing work around the link between limiting beliefs, relationship dysfunction and trauma, I found that I had exactly that tendency to try and do too much too fast. Not just for me. But mostly I also felt bad for others that I was somewhat broken, and want to be a better friend, a better coach and mentor who was better able to help other people overcome similar things, a better client, a better partner, a better friend, a better every type of family role. Not to mention, one day, a better Mother, who was providing a much better space for her future kids, than some of the past challenges I’d had to navigate, that I wouldn’t want another human to have to. So I got impatient about trying to get it all done already, so that I could get on with life and be all that.  The irony is in how it at times got in the way of all that.


I talked recently in another blog about a lot of what happened, what I pursued and who I saw in the process of my trauma healing journey. Today, iwith a bit of help and inspiration from others, ’ve distilled it down to a simple 10 step transformational process I’ve often walked myself or others through, in 5 mins - 60 mins, depending on what it is and how well they know and trust you. But for my own process, I felt like it took a lot of trial and error to find what was most sustainable, and how much was too much, in a time period where how to heal trauma, was still poorly understood in many places. For all the Counselling, Coaching, Art Therapy, Psychosomatic Bodywork, Energetic Medicine and Sensory and Intuitive Intelligence training, and the strong sense that this was not my first lifetime around the block with this, I could get through to the insight required for a breakthrough incredibly quickly.  Only, your consciousness often can download a lot faster than your body can keep up with integrating all the changes, new programs, visions and decisions you’re making.


While I could get the download/breakthrough in 1-5 mins, I’d often spend up to 2 hours on a session working through some of the bigger, more nervous system disrupting stuff. And in places where I felt there was value in doing drama or Gestalt therapy style visualisation exercises with past parts of myself, for which I now had the tools and processes to give what they needed that they might not have got in the past. Two hours was physically, the most I could handle of that, before I started to feel mentally vague, possibly a bit shaky, physically fatigued and like I’d reached capacity.  Two hours of bodywork was about the standard with bodywork practitioners I had sessions with at that time too. One week at a trauma healing retreat, going at it day and night, was also something that I could do. But doing that much that fast, had consequences. Because you’d walk away still so activated and processing so much, that your ability to function in every day life for a week or two after, was strongly affected. There’d be days spent for hours in tears, while you kept processing thing you’d previously never let yourself feel, or hadn’t noticed. I’d end up in lunch breaks or quiet moments, in bathrooms, having to cry it out for a bit, fix my face and then get back to business as normal. Clients would totally cancel out for full days on such days…and of course they would, because it’s not like YOU had much internal bandwidth left on those days  to hold space for THEM, while you were pushed to the max, re-programming aspects of your childhood trauma…and dealing with the inevitable Tarot Tower Card that often happens in life, when you start making big decisions about how you want to show up and how you want to be loved in life now instead.


All your major relationships would then start rearranging like a Rubik’s cube in response. Some with ease and grace. Others would then blow up into conflicts at work, with housemates, conflicts with family or partners, along with whatever you’d just shifted, and what changes THEY were now feeling from you. Plus in response to having to live and work around your stressed, chaotic, overwhelmed energy. How successfully it was navigated, often was  directly proportional to how well you’d explained to them what was going on, and or held space for what would also change for them. If you were bringing up now a lot of old things and asking or a lot of changes at once, or continuously, things would often get tense. The speed and frequency of your work, let alone the frequency of insight, would be too much for some.


Other times, the blowing up in relationships that were functioning would be a form of self sabotage, while parts of you fought change, in preference of clinging to the safety of the known. As a response to being so unfamiliar with emotional safety and availability in healthy relationships, that your system couldn’t handle the unfamiliarity of a relationship dynamic you weren’t used to, and then you would try and blow it up, so that you could get back to a dysfunctional bio chemical state your body was still withdrawing from a literal past addiction to. As well as get back to the safe familiarity of emotional disconnection and hyper self reliance.  Where you might have been alone, but at least you were out of the fire and felt in control.  Part of the Neuro-regulatory work that needs to be done after healing childhood trauma, is the neuro-regulatiion of your state also in secure connection. As well as the work that needs to be done daily to ground in and lock you into the much better reality you seek. One where you’re purposefully riding the waves of your new vision. Over feeling like the waves are constantly crashing on you and others, and it’s all beyond your control.


To work through one particular piece of trauma, is a bit like trying to swim through massive, crashing, waves, to the ocean floor beyond, in the dark, with just a tiny light. You can find the pearl you need down there. But you can get a bit disoriented, getting churned and flipped around under the  crashing waves near the shore. Plus the visibility is clouded at first by the stirred up sand and white wash. With the result that you can end up momentarily wondering which way is up. Until your inner ears and inner GPS rights itself, you figure out which way is UP, and where the ocean floor is. Spot the wreckage, find the thing you need within it. Swim for the surface and take a deep breath again. Before finding your boat or your board and getting back to riding the waves of personal and professional life.


This was how I learned that there can be such a thing as TOO much process work. We might well be doing it with the best of intention, going hard often, trying to fix all the things, to finally be ‘safe’ for others and ‘enough” just as you are. Let alone to feel safe ourselves. But too much process, without balance and guidance as to a process to follow and what to expect, can feel like chaos and like you’re blowing up your life along with it, not just as inevitable part of healing and change. But because the speed at which we’re trying to achieve all the healing steps and necessary transformations, is having flow on for others too.   Let alone the physical exhaustion and overwhelm we can experience, while your body is trying to process and integrate all the neural, physical and energetic changes that go with making a whole bunch of new decisions and life choices in the process of healing and moving on and upgrading from old ones.


Each person’s healing journey is both similar and unique, so how we create that balance, might look a little different for each of us, depending on our life and work circumstances and individual makeup. But it’s important and there are benefits in being intentional about creating balance and containment around how much time we spend in process, v’s how much time we spend on optimism, positivity, purpose, lightness, fun, laughter, connection and common ground. In times of trauma healing and life transition, such qualities can be the necessary oxygen that sustains us. Is a part of the journey, to naturally moving through and back out the other side of healing any given trauma. And no matter what is shifting or changing in our relationships, it is essential oxygen to our relationships too, that we be intentional about keeping our focus on frequently seeing the best in others and being grateful for the very things that brought us together with them in the first place. Yes, even and especially when our paths take us in new directions. But as a necessary component of successfully navigating healing and growth within relationships of all kinds, when all parties wish to move forward, together.

Hope you had a happy, fun and safe Easter long weekend and have a great start to the week.

Until next time, have fun, take care and may you and life be amazing.

Nat xx