I've been a little quiet lately, but so far this year has been shaping up true to prophecy on the delivery of moments that totally work out....but are often "off plan" from what I was WILLING to happen, or from what I might have expected. I did, but didn't expect to be starting the year with an unexpected move. And a non planned 2 month (instead of 1 month) break from almost a decade of often 6-7 day weeks and 10-14 hour working days. Did, but didn't expect to still be running live arts and entertainment events. Did, but didn't expect to be getting a pay rise. Did expect to still be running a trauma informed Counselling, Communication skills Coaching and Training practice in my early 40's. But definitely didn't expect to be appearing on Netflix in an Australian Dramedy, crisis counselling a group of students as a Teacher Librarian in an establishing flash forward shot, first 40 seconds into episode 1 of a show, 2 years into my 40's. How I fill my days is now so vastly different to 3 years prior. I've had to completely rethink lately how to be and show up, how to think about and what to do with those extra quiet and unexpected in-between moments, that lay between both projects, life's signposts, and life's next pinnacle success moment too. Stick with me, because there's both a personal update or two....and a message here about the navigation of the in-between moments. Relative to how we define and from where we derive both our happiness our a definition of our value and success. While I've had a few quiet moments lately of celebrating being done writing and moving onto the next phase of getting support to edit and format my book, one of the other things I've been getting excited about this week, is the launch of one of the TV shows I got to work on mid last year on Netflix this Thur the 11th of April. I’m really grateful for the 1 day, that turned into 10 days that I got to spend on the set of Heartbreak High Season 2, being resident Teacher Librarian for many reasons. This was such a lovely, amazing, dedicated, hard-working, talented and just all-around beautiful bunch of humans to work with. So I can't help but just be excited and happy for everyone who appeared in, or worked on this, as it goes live. But this was also the perfect opportunity that found me (and became a recurring core backgroundy thing) at a time at which I was wanting to (inconspicuously and gently) stick my toes back in the waters of film and television and see how it felt. Having the opportunity to do so cemented my inner conviction, that, from an Acting and a Production and Direction standpoint, that “YEP, I DEFINITELY want to be doing more of this again, in a paid professional way. So I’m been both excited to see how this came together, super excited for this awesome young cast and for everyone who brought these touching, relatable, needed and very often funny storylines to life. As well as just being grateful for the opportunity. At 42, both the pivot to picking back up on a path that I'm a newbie at, compared to the relative certainty and predictability you get to after a decade of 10,000 hours and hitting some version of what you thought was the peak of your game in another capacity, (both in the Allied Health and Alternative Wellness industries, as well as in Customer Service and Sales) has taken a lot of mental adjustment. And required some deeper inner work and healing on the places in which I've STILL been guilty of propping up my own wounds around self worth, significance and value with external measures of achievements as being indicative of my value in the world and to others. As well as calling for a total re-think and overhaul on how I spend my time. And a re-working out what exactly I need to be filling extra available time WITH. Once upon time, daily to fortnightly, to monthly, that was regularly seeing clients and regularly pumping out some form of educational content, that the world could constantly see and that I could independently produce at great speed. While I’m sure streaming platforms Execs would salivate if they could do it just as fast, group creative projects with hundreds of moving human pieces often don’t move at nearly that same speed in their production timelines. Let alone launch plans. Rarely does anyone talk about this out loud, about this thing that happens once you become well known for and then start to receive a lot of external feedback and validation from external sources, about how reliant your ego can become upon that constant external feedback from supporters and or consumers of whatever it is that you do. Or how you wean off the seeming reliance you can inadvertently develop upon it, to bring the locus of control back to self determination and definition of your own worth and value. Less established performers, like as yet unknown Entrepreneurs, just don’t get that same frequency of external validation. Let alone that the public launches for any given Performer or Actor/Actress, may well have A LOT longer gap between the pubic content launch to the world of projects, compared to the speed and frequency at which a solo Infopreneur (or small team of us) put out content and marketing related to launches. So, I’ve found myself privately recontemplating often 3 questions, as a lesser known commodity in the creative realm that I had left behind somewhere in the decade prior. No 1 being how do you cultivate your own intrinsic sense of significance, value and worth, when it seems to you AND the outside world looking at your socials, like nothing 'professionally big' is happening with you right now? And hence you’re no longer getting that constant external validation and feedback of what value you're bringing to the world? What work does it really take to heal those inner wounds of self worth, significance and value? And to pull your power and focus back from "what do others think?" to what do I think and what great things about myself do I see for myself? No 2: what can I be doing to take the initiative to make daily creative progress towards my goals and make this happen for myself, beyond what I did when I first started in my late teens, waiting for the next right thing to find me? So that I am taking the reigns of initiative where I can to do my part of making tangible progress towards my goals? And No 3, and possibly most importantly, what can I be doing and how can I be showing up, every moment each day of the journey along the way that not just gets me paid to be of service doing things I love, but that brings me a constant sense of enjoyment and fulfilment through the quality of engagement along the way? Without getting so preoccupied and caught up with what others think; with what respect, or love, or attention some part of me thinks I've either lost for no longer showing up in service in a particular way, or is now waiting at some point in the future after I become and achieve "X" to be worthy of again receiving such love and respect from future colleagues, future partners, future friends? It's such a tricky thing trying to be present in a world that defines so much of our value based on markers of external achievement, wealth, status and success) without taking on and letting your mental boat get flooded and sunk by all the b@#$sh$t projections and judgements we hold around value and success? As is the case for many people, something IS of course still happening behind the scenes when I'm quiet. The private business of family, friends and dating and relating I've felt the need to pull right back from talking about, in order to reestablish some sense of privacy, trust and psychological safety, in a world in which oversharing of what was once private business, I think has become also as much a part of the problem. But professionally speaking, In case you're curious, for me lately, in addition to the self publishing design related activity, to the working of live entertainment events and the consideration of when to launch another round of private practice engagement opportunities, there is once again, screen related study going on, relating to being on BOTH sides of the camera, and attending webinars and industry and networking events. After a decade of learning about and Mentoring on Education Marketing, I've simply pivoted into creating an Acting related marketing and content creation plan that is in development. I've been finding a lot of joy and fulfilment in working daily on that. There is script writing going on. As well as script learning, rehearsals, self taping and auditioning constantly going on between other paid things. And this is a part of my life again. Which sometimes feels very far removed, compared to the realities of 2 years ago, of sending or replying to 100 messages and or making 30 phone calls about events or programs on any given day. Or seeing 3- 12 -400 clients at any given event. But why do so many of us in this day and age, feel like we owe the world an explanation of what we do with our private time anyway? To justify and validate our existence, our progress, our value and dare I say it, our lovability? While I don’t think there is a human alive that isn’t constantly living under the weight and anxiety of being constantly judged by someone somewhere, let alone us judging ourselves and whether we are or aren't yet "good enough", in this day and age, the former Relationship Coach in me often wonders whatever happened to seeing and appreciating each other in the moment, for exactly who we are, and what we bring to the table, in this moment, right here, RIGHT NOW? The more that I've worked with people the last few years in a private practice capacity, the more I've come to fear that it's not just me, but whole generations of us now, that are pushing away the possibility of both connection and happiness that could be available in the present moment, while so many of us are so busy striving trying to get to some pinnacle and be some potential future version of us, that we don't think that we are yet. And it's completely fracking up our ability to interconnect and engage with others in healthy ways in the present moment right now. While we put off engaging until we're finally "enough." If we're not careful, there are certainly no shortage of people in the dating realm who'll reflect this fear straight back at you. When you DO encounter the guy via friends or dating apps who’s like, “so what are you, like the stereotypical broke, struggling Actress working in hospitality,” instead of lowering yourself to retaliating with “yep…and what are you, the stereotypical corporate coke addicted, partying finance guy, trying to use KPI’s, status and material stuff to impress people, in place of any real lasting ability to actually connect and influence in a meaningful way?” It can be the great mirror reminding you that you've given too much of your power away to such beliefs and or other people's opinions of our value, that actually say a whole lot more about their opinion of themselves, than they really do about our own value. And can be a sign that we both need to do a bit more healing and inner work AND need to get back on with the business of doing you in a personally meaningful and purposeful way. And refocus back to engaging with and appreciating the gifts and opportunities that are already waiting in the present moment, with the other people like us, who are also living in it. In reality, my own past experience has shown that there are A LOT of moments in life that people out there don't see, between the short lived moments of pinnacle achievements and moments of success posted to the world that they DO see. It's not the first time I've said it, but my fear with the younger generations now, is that we’ve all been so pushed towards the external pursuit of achievement, status and success, of KPI’s and metrics as measures of our significance, value and worth, and are now so riddled with anxiety and grief along the way about what we DON’T yet have and haven’t yet achieved, that we’re missing out on the possibilities of enjoying those little moments on the journey along the way. Toxic achievement culture (telling you to ditch those 'everyday losers who are vamping your energy and holding you back) also has a lot to answer for why some of us are becoming more and more dismissive of valuing and prioritising the nurturing of the connections that we are surrounded with in each and every moment right now. (While, I'm sorry, constantly fawning upwards to the people who we have some fantasy about them magically 'lifting us up to their level of fame, status and success' by association.) But also concerning is that we’re becoming less and less capable of deeming ourselves as worthy of actually receiving any of them in the first place? You know, because “I’m not enough yet” to be worthy of this person or that opportunity? When in actual fact, eventually getting to that point you want to get to in 1-10 years from now, actually starts with valuing and enjoying exactly everything that we are and have to bring to the table, RIGHT NOW. And engaging from that place. In my own peak moments of past Leadership and State, National or International Customer Service and Sales success prior as one example, I never once got there (or back there) by thinking about being that every second, by sizing up the gap between me and there every second second, or even telling myself that I thought I was capable of that. But, several thousand times in a row, week after week, moment after moment, I just trusted myself to have the right abilities and the ability to channel what was needed to be of genuine service and value to everyone who walked into my space as a customer or client. And showed up for every interaction accordingly. Then periodically, some Manager, Mentor or Business partner somewhere, would show me an email or a screenshot of something that indicated what our community numbers were up to. or some stat that showed that I was now, or again, State, National or International Customer Service or Sales Leader that week in whatever particular area of service. I actually hate saying that out loud, because every time I do, I worry that a thousand people take it a bit like the guy who told you that you were the 2000'th woman he's banged...like people are just a number. Which is NOT at all the case about the way I see anyone and everyone who ever crosses my path. But I can't make the point about metrics based success and value, without referencing the metrics??? Eventual material success is the accumulation of the thousands of moments that you just show up in service and get things done along the way. But sincere happiness and fulfilment comes I think from the moments in which we are actually fully present in the moment, with ourselves, and with others on the journey along the way. There's mental self validation and nurturing to be done. But there’s so much love, joy, laughter and relatability in that in-between space too. NOT just in the moments where we get momentarily patted on the head for the win. The kudos we get for those moments is often both fleeting and quickly wears off when it's expression is focussed in only one direction. But the benefits of showing up and genuinely seeing and connecting with others in each and every moment along the journey, are both cumulative. And those mutual acts of love and kindness exchanged along the way, not only build connection, relatability and trust. But also have the capacity to set off a chain of love related perpetual motion, made up of mutual and reciprocal expressions of love and kindness. And mutual vulnerable admissions of humanity and relatability. There is connectivity in truly seeing each other. Plus there is so much fulfilment and happiness that can be derived from both those acts of giving , as well as receiving the acts of love and kindness given to you by someone who has taken the time to truly see you and what value you bring to the table RIGHT NOW, in this very moment. Joy and a sustainable supply of fulfilment aren't just waiting off at some magical point in the future we're not at yet. There are though an infinite number of ways to connect with and cultivate it in this moment right here, right now, and the next, and the next. Along with remembering how to self determine our own sense of significance, value and worth. Until next time. Have fun and take care. Nat xxP.S. you can check out Heartbreak High Season 2 on Netflix from 11th April.
If I were to ask you, honestly, what your greatest fears are at this point, the ones that are really holding you back from doing something that you know that you’ve always wanted to do, but feel like you can’t, what would you tell me? As we celebrated International Women’s Day and achievements of everyday Women everywhere this week, after I tandem jumped out of a plane on Tuesday for the first time (which I absolutely loved) I found myself contemplating 2 things. No 1- with a little help, I actually just did that. And number 2 after 2 decades of working through some of my own greatest fears and anxieties and Coaching and Mentoring wise, supporting others to work through theirs, I couldn’t help but think about what a tragedy it is when (legitimate intuitions of when not to do something, at the wrong moment, until the right one aside) we buy into the well meaning lies that anxiety often has to tell us, in it’s well meaning attempt to keep us safe. And then based on those, we then don’t do something that we really want to do. Because we convinced ourselves that it’s better for us and others if we actually don’t. The fact that so many of the younger generations are also more riddled with anxiety than we’ve ever been, also tells me that we’re becoming hyper-phobic about actually coming face to face with our own flight flight response. And learning how to tolerate it’s activation….and how to guide and ride it in a healthy way, instead of letting IT ride you. The tricky thing being, that the biggest things in life that we’re meant to do- the romantic partner with whom you’re meant to have a kid, the meeting of some expert or public figure that you’ve always admired that you’re meant to partner with, the illness that we can overcome, someone else’s basket of major life events that we’re meant to journey WITH them through, the performance or speech that you're meant to give, the Leadership opportunities that will genuinely create needed change, equality and inclusivity, ALL of these things are going to put us out of our comfort zone and likely shake the living f#%$ out of our inner nervous stomach butterflies. So it helps if we can learn how to manage our nerves and overcome our greatest fears around them. And you might shoot the messenger for saying it, but it’s not anyone else’s, OR the Patriarchies job for us as Women to learn to overcome our own fears FOR us. A bit like the lovely guy Rob and the whole team, who took me through my tandem jump, they can train you, they can do their best to gear you up, be a gorgeous presence and make a psychologically and physically safe external environment in which you have the best chance of showing up as the best of you, while being supported through the anxious bits of you. But YOU gotta be willing to show up and do the inner work. And learn to manage your thoughts, manage your physical state and be able to tap your higher intelligence system, in order to help you bring forward and do what you’re truly meant to get done. So in this blog, I thought I’d talk a little bit about my sky dive, as a living example of HOW I applied the practices I teach and talk about in the first chapter of my book, on how to create our own sense of inner psychological safety and manage our state, so that we can best show up in communication, relationships and life, to best navigate this particular not-so-everyday experience. Skydiving was something I always knew that I wanted to. Ever since I’d been dreaming of randomly free falling as a teenager, and added skydiving to my list of outdoorsy adventure things that I wanted to do, I kind of always knew that I would. And more than that, that once I’d done it, I’d want to do it again. I imagine that whether or not you do or don’t, often depends how you found the actual jump and for what reason you did the first one, if you’d ever want to do it again. The unbelievable views, the fact that it really is a level 10 sensory experience, that ends with you never having felt so alive, an internal cocktail of adrenaline, endorphins, dopamine and serotonin fuelled euphoria that lasts for at least an extra day and and half, that fact that everything you eat drink and experience after is about 1000% better, the immense amount of love and appreciation you have towards all humans after and (even though it’s really your Tandem buddy who did the bulk of the work) the enormous feeling of achievement you get after, along with the sense of confidence, resilience and belief in anything being possible, are an easy sell. One will never be the same for having been through this experience. You’re now more confident and resilient because you did. But at the same time, you’re also, as so many of you keep telling me, jumping out of a perfectly good plane! I wouldn’t say I’m someone who’s scared of heights, more of that feeling of your nervous feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Which I’d had the wonderful past pleasure of experiencing during lengthy group physical and sexual assaults and drunk DV, and honestly, I’ve had grater panic attacks when romantic relationships got serious and sharing in group situations involving (again) public speaking. And jumping out of plane and falling at 190kph, ironically scares me a whole lot less than ever sleeping next to a drunk guy. Sorry, a little bit of reality there for scale purposes. But that being said, nervous system stuff is still definitely happening both pre and during your jump. So it was also an exercise in applying to ones own advantage, everything I’ve learned and taught from the almost last 2 decades about state management and mindset for flipping fear and anxiety, into a response that better serves us and our goals. Because, admittedly, all of it came in pretty fracking handy in that 5 minutes. Just like with public speaking and performance, pre-preparation is important. Loading yourself up with an understanding of how it will all work on the day is essential to reducing your last minute reasons for worrying ON the actual day about what you’re meant to do when and how it will work. Reading blogs educating you on what the experience is like, listening to the drivers and staff telling you about the extensive list of highly regimented safety protocols and practices that the company and staff enact, learning that you actually go up with a backup parachute strapped to your back and learning about all the weather and atmospheric conditions that they’re checking (that they absolutely will cancel you several times in a row if they ever deem its not safe enough up there on any given day, for you and the staff,) can all help with building trust in the process and the team. Learning how many jumps these guys or gals do a day too, and how many they’ve done over their careers, also goes a way to reassuring you that you can definitely do this even once. Coming early and watching the previous jumpers also helps you get a sense of what to expect, helps you learn by observation and instills a bit more confidence in what you need to do to have a gentle, cruisy, easy landing. Then watching and mentally and or physically rehearsing your way through the instructional and safety briefings while you’re waiting on the ground at the jump site, pre travel to the plane, also helps to drum it into your muscle memory and your brain, what to do and when on the jump. And then, while you’re waiting, every so often, recalling and then going through and rehearsing it again, keeps building pathways to lock it in. So that by the time you’re up there, and experiencing during free fall, the intermittent mix of holy shit and this is awesome, when your Tandem guy taps your arm, or tells you when it’s time to do anything, you’re quicker to respond. Just like waiting backstage before a performance, or before you’re going on to speak, and as Rob says in my video, how you manage yourself in the waiting, is often the trickiest part. Once you’re on the plane, there’s always a next thing to focus on, before you’re out the door and it’s actually really happening! For me, I feel like, the first time, even with all the training in the world about what to expect, during the actual jump, your mind is still slightly preoccupied by the process of connecting the dots of how it actually applies, IRL during the experience, as well as learning through experience how to best state manage your mind, your breathing, your body and your connection with your tandem buddy during the different phases of the experience, in order to best ride the waves of energy, navigate the aerial environment technically and keep it truly an enjoyable ride for you both. Personally, I can see how there’d be huge benefit in actually doing it more than once, now that you know what to expect. Conditions of any given jump would be different. But knowing too, that just like going to the gym, and or exposure therapy, every next time builds both skill, mental and physical resilience too. Then there’s how you manage you, or at least how I managed me, during the jump. After a few cancellations, I wasn’t fully emotionally invested yet, until we were on that plane. And seeing as, on my first day of coming on site and our jump having got cancelled while the previous group where up in the air, I fully surrendered to that it really was happening, once I was staring at any open door and watching, with the same military grade precision with which the whole thing works like a well timed, well oiled machine, instructors ahead of Rob and I, jump out. And then I actually got more excited, in the direction of about 50/50 of “fuck yes” and “oh fuck!” But first, getting ON that plane, with the smell of aviation fuel in the air was actually somewhat familiar and oddly comforting, having grown up with a bunch of Engineers and Farmers, synonymous in my head with happy memories of getting around on Ag bikes, bonding over fixing things in the shed, bike and car racing and airshows. Given that they taught me how to do so much stuff and be so fiercely independent, it’s a rare moment in life (until I returned to theatre, film and television for work at least I the last 2 years) in which I’ve not been equally physically skilled to most Men around me in career or life skills. So the number of moments in life, where I actually get to make like Barbies’ being in awe of Kens’ playing guitar at the beach have often been few and far between. But dare I say it, there was something nice about going up with a bunch of Guys, who once again, I could lean into letting them take the Lead in teaching me something I’m genuinely super excited to learn to do. Are you noticing all of the positives that I’m acknowledging along the way? As opposed to looking for unnecessary reasons to freak myself out? That’s important. Because then you’re far more full of smiles, trust, anticipation, awe and gratitude, when we finally get to dangle out of a plane, drop out and do it. The second you go from (for no more than a few seconds) sitting still, looking up, with your legs dangling out and under the plane, to having rolled out, and that charming momentary zero gravity gut drop happens, as you as a Tandem pair, start to accelerate over the next 12 seconds or so, up to terminal velocity, at maybe 190kph/120mph (if my memory of university 1st year physics serves me well, due to your combined weight and several environmental factors) there is a very distinct moment where you take an instinctive deep breath. While your body gives you the natural equivalent of what I imagine feels just like getting stabbed with an epipen. And every single part of your nervous system registers it all at level 10 volume, as you get hit with a burst of energy and exhilaration. And an additional chemical cocktail of endorphins, dopamine and serotonin, also progressively kick in too, as instinctively your body figures it better get you physiologically high as a kite for the 5 minutes it’ll still take to the ground. In order to stay on track to having your mind blown by the colours, the beauty of the view and the excitement of the journey, this is a really great point to consciously remind your mind of a few basic facts: FACTS
After decades of practice at home and at work now, what I didn’t have to remind myself of though, was breath work, meditation, yoga, chanting, drama and singing. Muscle memory and the programs I’d built into my neural pathways practicing all of those, almost immediately took over and mediated fight flight mode. And I very very quickly, so much that it too felt automatic, I breathed out, reminded myself to relax into it and let out a whoo of excited energy or 2 and relaxed into the free fall. Models of the fight flight pathway and the fork in the road point at which one can choose to channel the energy in either direction, freak out or elation, popped into my head there alongside that, that to vocalise and focus on how fun this was, and pull my attention back out, was my choice in that moment. All this happened in seconds, before Rob reminded me about arms out like a bird for the free fall. Five minutes flies by when your loving it. But 5 minutes is also a period in which you have time to think a lot of thoughts. So its also helps to make sure that the ones you have best serve your experience . Some random thoughts that came to me next (in the higher dimension support system sense, I’m going to be honest with you, that they came in more voices, than just own): During the free fall: “OMG, this is epic. I’ve been in the city too long that I nearly forgot how much I love to go fast! More than that, WTAF has happened to me, as a farm girl, that I was amazed by the site of cows on the way to airport? Girl, you gotta move already.” “Breathe, relax!” “It’s so much easier to breath than I thought it would be.” “Oh yeah, arms out, attention out.” “It’s so damn clear!” “The weather is soooo nice up here!” “Feel the sunlight.” “Check out the beach. Man, this view is epic!” “How stunning is the water? The colours!” “How beautiful is the sky?” “Hey smile and wave, you’re on camera.” *Admires Robs proficiency is free falling, timing, filming, instructing. He’s got this down to an art form. No, actually, my life, or the people I love, did not flash before my eyes and I did not once have 1 conscious thought about dying. The connection that I attempted to make with anyone who was invested in me doing this, was via the camera, in the moment. Between that, I was just being in the moment, having a tremendous amount of faith in these guy’s and gal’s system, and leaning into my faith in (having asked for a little help from my own multidimensional/spiritual support system to make for an easy ride for me and Rob) that support, hence in my head, there was no need for any of that. TBH, I had long ago made peace with the face that I can think of a LOT worse ways to go out than this...and when its your time, its your time, regardless of whether you're in a car, or on a plane, or jumping out of one, so why waste energy you could be using to live and love on worrying about it? It could be the extra 3 months I had in the end to contemplate it, but in that respect, I had a clear head already for the jump. Because I’m such a feeler of things, pre-programmed instinctive physiological responses on the other hand, were my greatest concern going into this. BUT those you can manage. The more you practice being exposed to your own fight flight activation, the more you trust in that you’re only ever 1 out breath away from turning the intensity down a few notches. And one refocusing thought, to redirecting your attention off of your nerves and what’s scary, to either what you love about this. Or to putting your focus on what (like the gorgeous beach) or who (like, um, the guy you’re safely attached to, or that camera) you could be engaging with instead. I say again, attention out and into the present moment. Until, in the repetition, you're automatically going to the positive, at work, the chance to be of service, you've become more resilient in being used to the internal activation and then you have the available internal bandwidth to do and enjoy the thing, whatever the thing is. More gut feels and breathing happens as my guy deploys the parachute. But my thoughts are that, for something that is meant to be about 3G’s worth of deceleration due to wind drag as the parachute pulls you away from the Earth’s pull and you slow down to maybe a more chill 24kph/15mph?, that felt far more gentle than I actually expected it would, having seen it on film. On this day at least, then it gets really peaceful, quiet and calm. You notice where all the others are more easily, now that all their pretty parachutes are deployed too. And you relax, admire the view, in my case, interact with the camera, chat and feel the feels of this epic, level 10 experience. At this point you’re feeling the breeze, but breathing and sounding no different to if we were sitting at a cafe table, chatting at the Boathouse. You’re just hanging and chatting, while your guy is doing the timing, steering, navigating, pattern maintaining and filming….and let’s not forget, you’re off your head high on biochemistry still. Then there’s a bit more breathing and relaxing into the intermittent turns downward towards the landing site, with more moments of stillness and admiring the view in between. Before we start the landing phase and going through landing instructions. And I become really glad for the 4-5 days a week of yoga and boat poses, that holding my legs in boat pose as we come down feels very normal. But then rather than me coming in legs out for a butt slide landing, Rob set us up for a standup landing, where you kind of just hovered there, getting lowered to just above the ground, and then he asked me to put my legs down and I quite literally just stepped straight back onto the ground. In a manner that I had a momentary flash in my head of a scene in high court England or France in the mid 1700’s, with all the chivalry and grace of having a gentlemen hold your hand, while you stepped out of a very high carriage. It was a little bit more of drop for him, as he unhooked and landed a few steps back. I take a moment to connect with and feel my feet and legs rooting back to the ground and breath energy into fully re-inhabiting them. (Your body definitely feels like its done some work at that point.) But an immense sense of achievement starts to hit, that you really just did that. Then you see the bit in the video where Rob and I chat. And that’s that. They pack up the gear, you walk off together with some others who just landed, bond, celebrate, take selfies, take your gear off, in what would be best described as an altered state of consciousness. Get a text about your footage and then getting ready to go back to life. After picking up my gear and saying goodbyes, I went for a quick wander down to and stood on the beach I’d just watched from above (the tiniest bit disappointed to no longer be a bird above it,) before checking the train times back and departing with enough time to make the train at North Wollongong back to Sydney. But that entire beach walk and then walk back, was 30 mins of little triumphant laughs, smiles and exclamations of “holy shit!” Followed by messaging a lot of people on the way back to share and check in. When I got back to Sydney, I dropped by Harris Farm in Mosman on the way home, where every human seemed to be mirroring my energy back and smiling back at me along the way. Then pretty much danced with earphones in the 10 min walk home and up the stairs of my current building. Hardly slept that night and didn’t come down until about 2pm the next day…at which point, I imagined, as I suddenly slumped on a table at the library, that I looked a bit like Jim Carey in Yes Man, mid sunrise run, after he finally comes down off all that Red Bull. No further productivity was even remotely possible until I went home and had my nap. Also, absolutely no muscle or bodily soreness the next day. The day before the jump, I’d done a 30 min workout with dolphin planks, burpees, boat poses, sit ups and pilates 100’s that worked my abs way harder than skydiving seemed to. That’s NOT to say it didn’t feel like your body had worked hard when you landed on the day. But that was my journey. And I loved it. And I’m glad I followed my inner calling to do it. It was so very worth the wait for the right conditions and the right day and the lovely people I got to share the day with. And very grateful to Rob and everyone’s help at Skydive Australia/Wollongong for their help with making that happen. If I just wrote a book about creating greater psychological safety in communication, and the first chapter is on creating our own inner sense of psychological safety and state management, well I really just put the methodology of the 1st chapter to the test under challenging conditions, and it proved sound advice for someone with a history of anxiety and remnants of trauma, let alone anyone with a nervous system. (If you would like a copy, it’s nearly here. As it’s been a very slow financial start to the year, so I’m just seeking some advice on whether to pre-sell it or ‘go fund me’ it to get it over the line to the finished product. But If you want to receive copy, do send me an email, so that I can keep you in the loop.) Anxious thoughts can seem well meaning and logical. When they’re based on a sincere intuitive, higher intelligence/multidimensionally guided feeling, or knowing, that is trying to warn us to prevent an unnecessary injury, that might have been about to happen when we say or do something 30 seconds from now, there is a very real validity in that. And often a whole heap of "life" blocks that go with it. Engines not starting. Internet crashing. The post that won’t post or the application that won’t send. The funding that hasn’t arrived yet, until it’s the ‘right’ time. Because it’s not the right time. Until it is. But, when we over think our way into a state of “what if’ing” about potential risks, projections or rejections that might have zero factual foundation in real life, if we’re not careful, those anxious thoughts can become like the prison bars that end up lining the cage that becomes our comfort zone. The one that we could just remove a couple of the bars from, and step out. But we won’t step out of to go after what we know in our hearts that we really want. Other times, its the one that we choose to still stay in, when someone comes and waves at us through the bars, and points to the door, and the set of keys that are sitting in the door we forgot was there. But we choose to point to the thought that is each bar, and site it as a reason why we can’t come out. Some example cage bars: “Thanks, but I haven’t had enough experience yet, I think I’m under qualified to take on the role, and i’m worried I won’t be able to handle it and I’ll fail, I’ll let everyone down, so I think that you should go with someone else. It’ll be better for everyone else that way.” [Self rejects the promotion opportunity or project.] “Really? Because it seems like you have another type and I’m not her.” [Self rejects, before she can be rejected by the guy she likes.] “I doubt they’d ever choose me. “ [Self rejects the Mentor or Teacher, before she can possibly be overlooked for someone else.] “I can’t afford to do it. Or maintain it. So I better not start it, in case I can’t deliver and then have to cancel again”. [Self rejects ones capability to overcome the necessary challenges to getting it done and uses potential failure to deliver, to justify not starting.] “Nobody wants it, what’s even the point?” [Self rejects her idea or wisdom, before putting it to market to test.] “It’s not safe to walk outside at night.” [Buys into a fear that is not even real. But for some reason, people keep telling each other anyway.] “I can’t handle crowds.” [Self doubts the capability of ones own mind and capacity to manage ones own nervous system.] “I’m just not an exercise person.” [Avoiding the perceived discomfort of activating the nervous system] “I better not try and speak at that event because I might pass out.” [Avoiding chances to get better practiced at managing an activated nervous system] “Someone else knows the subject better than I do.” [Self rejects own life purpose and wisdom] “I’m totally happy being single and independent.” [Self rejects so that doesn’t have to risk abandonment,, pain or rejection] “Oh I could never jump out of a perfectly good plane….” Are you getting it? There may be very legitimate health or practical reasons why it might NOT be advisable at certain times to do some of those above things. And some of them may not be in everybody’s life purpose tick box plan, which might be why the no urge towards any given one of them. But a lot of those are also examples of us self doubting in our capability in our being able to take on and handle a whole lot more than we might think we can. How often in life, are we actually letting anxieties’ seeming well-meaning logic, talk us out of doing the very things that we came here to do, for all the wrong reasons? We might avoid some discomfort in not doing it. But then nobody benefits from the gifts and wisdom that we have to share, the art that we might create, or the change that we we're here to facilitate. Then we don’t align with and meet that right person, or people. And we miss out on that tremendous amount of joy, purpose, fulfilment and achievement that is also waiting for us on the other side of our fear. Because we managed to convince ourselves that it’s better for ourselves and others that we don’t try. And that becomes the greatest tragedy of all. What good is not taking the leap of faith to protect other people, or ourselves, if it costs us ALL the rewards, the quality of the experience, and the joy of being alive? External circumstances, inequalities, systems, yes, can be very real barriers. But so can our own minds also be our greatest enemies at times, when we let fear and discomfort dictate our realities and cut us off from remembering what we’re truly capable of. We might need a few extra tools in our belt to help manage our mind, our bodies and rewrite our own inner story of psychological safety to help us get the job done with greater ease and grace. But after this week of all weeks, I reckon we’re all capable of SO much more than we give ourselves credit for. Don’t you think? Until next time….. Nat xxKind authenticity leads to better decisions and better outcomes. Have you ever noticed how much better the decisions we make in life are, when we’ve committed to showing up authentically and from the heart? Or rather, how much better, more sustainable and long lasting the things tend to be, that we build upon the foundations of showing up with greater honesty? With greater awareness of things like who we really are, what we love and are passionate about, what we need, what our values are, what our boundaries and limits, or how we really feel in response to any given circumstance, or opportunity? Let me give you an example. Say a contract that we had been working on recently finished up. (Doesn’t matter so much why; maybe it was fixed term, maybe it was an organisational restructuring thing, maybe it was a “not the right fit” thing.) But now we have a gap in income, and only so much money in our savings. Time goes on, and we apply for my jobs and opportunities, hoping to manifest something that feels truly aligned, professionally, culturally, relationally, values wise. But we miss a few, get rejected from a few, nothing happens for a bit, and then our savings get to a point where we start going into fight flight mode a little bit, worrying about what we're not going to be able to pay and who, and what we might lose, if we don’t get something else soon. All of a sudden, not only does the quality of the decision making change, because we’re no longer making decisions from a relaxed, aligned, heart and soul centric, “high vibe” state. But our priority might start to shift, off creating the long term dream thing, back to freaking out about surviving in the short term, and eliminating the survival stress. All of a sudden, the strict criteria on what we would apply for go out the window, along with our screening for things like true compatibility and values alignment, and we start accepting anything and everything, just to get any chance to get the money on and flowing again. To kill those feelings of anxiety and get out of “survive” as fast as we can. So we get offered a thing that’s not perfect, but we find a way to adapt our thinking about it, to make it fit and serve our present needs. But let’s be clear. The trouble is, that we just potentially compromised on some important things, and compromised ourselves to create and accept it. Now fast forward to 3-6 months later with hypothetical “us”. And the cracks are starting to show. Tensions are starting to develop about how we and others do things. Friendships and alliances have formed, and conflicts start developing with others. "You" start clashing against aspects of the culture that you don’t agree with. And people are starting to clash with YOU as they slowly get glimpses of who you really are and how you really do things. You’re starting to long for an opportunity to be doing more of the things you really love, more freedom to be who you are, and connection with people more like you…. and suddenly find yourself annoyed by numerous work responsibilities or tasks. And wanting something more aligned. You maybe put up with this for a while longer, while you’re still looking for something else. You take your time for a bit, because at least it’s paying the bills and you’re now comfortable enough. But one way or another, at a certain point in future soon, either something that happens with someone, is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back that makes you want to leave. People start raising more issues with you. Or, the management culture turns on you, because they’ve worked out that you don’t fit…and they start finding “reasons” to squeeze you out. (With good reason, the screening process possibly failed, if it meant too that someone who was the wrong fit, got in? Or maybe they were also so desperate in that moment, that they too were willing to settle for something less than their ideal? And you were each a perfect mirror of each others compromise for that time? ) Eventually, one way or another, “life” keeps applying pressure, until we all eventually can’t ignore it and get squeezed back out of where we’re not meant to be or stay. And our higher self so to speak, beckons us, urges us to play a bigger game, in subtle little ways. Subtle thoughts of things we’d love, day dreams, fantasies about the things we’d like to be doing and who we’d like to be doing them with; these aren’t just coincidental thoughts; there are often vital clues and hints in these about our destiny, if we can listen and trust them. But we’ve come full circle in realising that, back to the place we started in, where we’re slightly under resourced financially, we’ve got a bit of savings built up to rely upon, while again we’re looking for a more aligned thing. Some of the people from work stay in touch, but eventually too, many drop off. If there were a progression of cards in the traditional Rider Waite Tarot deck for this cycle (and there are): We started with the Devil card (fear and other negative emotions, unconscious patterns and behaviours, addictions etc), and the World card (this is literal; a world of possibility), as well as the aces of wands and pentacles (new energy and a new opportunity) and the 7 of swords. A world of possibilities and an opportunity at our feet, after we’ve been mentally doing our head in with fearful thoughts and lack mentality and limiting beliefs. (Eg. “Work is meant to be struggle and involve suffering through hard work”. “I can’t be my true self because no one will accept or being able to handle it and I won’t fit in anymore.” “People won’t be supportive of my dreams if I’m honest.” “Doing what you really love is selfish.” “I’m not sure that I’m good enough to reach my dreams,” “I’m not sure that I can trusted others to show up for me when really need” Etc etc. While we were in it, we would’ve pulled both the 5 of wands (conflict and competition) and (perhaps to our surprise) the 7 of swords too. The 7 of swords is about someone who’s done something sneaky, and while they’re running away from the village with a pile of swords, they think they got away with it, without consequence. Only they didn’t, because now the truth has revealed itself. The consequence is the Death and the Tower cards come next. The opportunity is dying and “life” is breaking down what’s not aligned. And then we’re back where we started, with the the 5 of pentacles. Feeling like we’re dressed in rags, on crutches, back outside the building that looks terribly abundant and like the dream within. Only we’re on the outside, facing the poverty card again. Financially and relationally, feeling left out in the cold. How did we get here? And how do we NOT get here again? Especially if all this has happened before, and now it’s happening again? That’s where the presence of the 7 of swords might be the surprise and the secret lesson we didn’t expect. Because maybe it’s us that wasn’t honest and manipulated circumstance to get through the door?…and for a while at least, thought we got away with it. Maybe we checked a part of our authentic self at the door when we said yes to this opportunity. We made a conscious choice to withhold relevant information in regards to how we weren’t a fit, and chose to ignore the mutual incompatibilities, to make ourselves fit with this thing. Possibly, also half the relationships that we built within this foundation of inauthenticity, go the way of the tower card now too, because they too, weren’t built on true alignment and honesty? Some might have been, but many may have been aligned with a culture or a value system that was fine for them, but that isn’t for us? And now the illusion of it all, has been revealed. I personally believe, that when we surrender to operating from that place of fear and lack and control, we’re also not trusting in “life,” and our extremely talented multidimensional selves, conspiring with a whole bunch of others at a higher level than our 3rd dimensional brains can often comprehend, to align something for us all that is perfectly aligned with the inner urges of our soul to realise our dreams and or live into our true potential and our growth trajectory? Maybe we didn’t trust in the aligned thing, or the timing of it’s arrival, or the inner guidance that was trying to link us to it? Maybe it wasn’t happening fast enough and we couldn’t see the evidence above ground, so we maybe stepped in to try and control and force it? And surrendered to accepting anything and everything that was most easily reachable, the fastest? And missed the calls of the next step from intuition, while our mind was taking control of our safety. In the moment of poverty, that suffering of it still seemed better compared to the possibility of having no money left and ending up homeless. So we checked our authentic self at the door, and we took it. It’s run it’s course. And now here we are. And or possibly are again. And If we’re to ever break this cycle of endings and returning to poverty, and succeed in creating an abundant career, doing things we love, with a whole bunch of soul family type people we love and who truly love and are aligned with us, then it’s not just about getting better at managing and manifesting money, at looking and being in the right places, to connect with the opportunities. And being better at communication and relationships. It’s about being more honest, in how we show up in life and with others, from minute 1. It’s about getting comfortable with practicing, from minute one, putting our authentic selves on the table, highest potential, dreams, hopes, ‘faults’ still being managed in the present and all. And creating opportunities from that place. The risk of that kind of vulnerability, is of course, rejection. And that doesn’t feel great. But the reward is also finding the right and mutually beneficial setting and the right relationships for us, so much faster. Our ability to be authentic is not only the very thing that aligns us with the right opportunities, the most sustainable ones. Having authentic communication skill mastery can help us find the common ground, connect with and build rapport with almost anyone. But authenticity in communication with kindness, is also the key to finding the genuine compatibility and connectivity within any given relationship, personal and professional, that both forms the basis of and fuels the foundation building and the deepening of that connection over time. Kind authenticity, is the very thing that makes the right relationships and opportunities, sustainable and creates longevity within such opportunities. Whoever I’m sharing this for, whoever who felt pulled to read it, let this be a reminder that you rock, you’re enough and you’re worthy of your dreams. And they’ve been given to you for a reason. Anywhere where we see a gap between where we are and where we want to be, that is entirely ‘figure-out-able’. And we will be supported and provided with the stepping stones to get there, and by authentically aligned means at that. If we can just trust in that we will and let go of ideas about how we expect it will happen, to embrace the better ways in which the higher, smarter wiser parts of us have arranged for it to happen. You can do it. You got this. I believe in you. (And me too at that.) Until next time. Nat Ferrier xxWishing you a Happy Holiday Season and a Happy, Safe and Hopeful start to the New Year. And a massive thank you too, to everyone who took the time to continue to read my thoughts and come to my events in 2023. I appreciate you. As I start writing this on Christmas morning, I am sitting with a view from my balcony out to Middle Harbour, recovering from some fun respiratory virus I managed to pick up in the process of Event Managing tens of thousands of people in recent weeks. I was ready and stocked up for sharing an Orphans Christmas with a few other Sydney non natives. But slight change of plans to having time and room to sit alone on this balcony. No complaints at all about the balcony, just not the plan I had planned. Yet another lesson in surrendering control, to make way for a new one. Speaking of which, I think there's a reminder for us all within that for 2024, about the importance of surrendering out of trying so hard to strive and control the creation of outcomes. Stick with me, because I think there’s some more thoughts that are relevant to all of our navigating 2024 “gracefully” within this. Five of them precisely. Dare I say it, I have a feeling that there is going to be yet more stuff go on in 2024 that does it’s best to get in the way of our best intentioned earthly plans. In the same way that a pandemic, a natural disaster, a war zone (or several), an Optus, bank or VPN outage, can get in the way of our best intentioned earthy plans. SO part of that for us all, might be remembering once again to tough love hug and manage that inner 2 year old tanty of “BUT I WANTED IT MY WAY! AND I WANTED IT NOW!” Instead, letting go and surrendering to a better, higher plan, than I or we could’ve imagined, wanted, or decided is how it SHOULD turn out. In a world in which many of us have been raised, on the power of mind, to, with committed, consistent effort, go after what we want, and to be addicted to the pay offs of achievement, status and popularity as the answer to fulfilment and success, this is becoming an increasingly hard pill to swallow for some. But there are a few things that I wonder if “life” is going to give us yet another opportunity to remember how to practice en masse in 2024. If we didn’t already get the download? 1- Operating from higher guidance (over trying to control everything from the mind) In 2024 and beyond, I have a feeling that full stop, this skill is going to be the saving grace that gets us back on track in the kinds of confusing chaotic times that leave us rocked in our faith and questioning our mastery over our own destiny. Tuning into the higher part of us for guidance on how to be of service and things like how and when to act, when to sit still and just be in the moment, when to surrender to receive what’s trying to get to us, in all aspects of personal and professional life. It’s a remembering that ok yes, we can be mentally proactive in business and life planning to the hilt our success and fulfilment STRATEGY. But remembering, that our souls and higher guidance system actually have a different, more 360 view of this, than our earthy minds ever will ‘on the ground.’ And very often, they can spot a much better way for all involved to get there optimally, than we in the maze of it so to speak, sitting at our laptops overthinking it, can see. The intuitive way might save us and others a whole lot of extra misery, or get us there a whole lot faster too. But one thing is absolutely certain too, it will be grounded in what is the truest, most authentic way for us and others to realise our highest potential. Minus so much of our ego’s playing out so much “stuff” trying to resolve our wounds and defences along the way. Or getting pulled into the resolution of others' 'stuff'. While some of that might indeed be just as needed and our actual destiny to learn and grow through, higher guidance will still help us navigate the lessons with far more speed, ease and grace, than it might take “our powerful minds” to trial and error their way to figuring it out “the hard way” 17 times in a row, with 17 different parties, all potentially ending is comparable heartbreak, while we try and get the download. Get my drift? Intuition makes growth more graceful, period. And then sometimes it’s just a far better ‘productivity hack’ too. In the way of the difference between random busy action, trying to prove to ourselves that we’re slaying it, doing something vaguely related to a goal, and tuning in to get a download on the people one could contact and the specific actions that one can take today that immediately put us and them on course to that. It’s the difference between ringing 100 relevant people, and ringing the 5 that will be at their phones in the next 30 mins and are also trying to manifest whatever it is that we bring to the table too. It might be time in 2024 (now that so many are so far now past burned out to the point of so very many having literally no patience left to even speak to complete strangers with the most basic of courtesy, decency and respect) to stop “efforting” so hard, trying to control every single last aspect of our lives and others. And connect back in with higher consciousness. If the recent Optus outage showed us anything, it’s how far down the rabbit hole we’ve got with outsourcing our intuition to devices. So while the devices are getting ever more clever, maybe it’s time to put down the devices a little more often and remember how to tune in and tap our intuitive guidance again for ourselves. (I think that it’s a mistake to think that our intuition is somehow inferior to the industrial complex’s might behind a bunch of A.I., based on a few hundred years of data gathered mainly by humans on one planet called Earth. When our intuition has access to the vast universe wide web of all knowledge, across every dimension and aspect of existence that ever was, is and will be, over trillions and trillions of years and cycles of existence? Feels a little limiting of our full potential to me actually to NOT use it? But each to their own?) 2- Re-centering and grounding ourselves for the wellbeing and basic safety and wellbeing of others Re-centering and grounding ourselves full stop is an essential skill to relax our nervous system out of the constant state of fight-flight they are often now in, in busy cities. Working with tens of thousands of the general public 7 days a week often this last year as a mere mortal again (because most Sydney siders treat you a whole OTHER way if they’re think you’re ‘a someone’), it was completely obvious to me that many people are so far past their own limits on stress and exhaustion now, that the second you say anything that isn’t exactly what they wanted to hear, how they wanted to hear it, they go off on you like toddlers in the supermarket 30 minutes past their afternoon nap now, yelling, spitting, and throwing things at you in the process. As Australian Retail Association surveys of retail, customer service and fast food workers across the country backed up that this was also the experience of 85-92% of others too on the front lines this year, I would say that it is now mission critical to not just our own health and wellbeing now, but also to the basic safety and wellbeing of others, that we ALL commit to learning how to state manage and emotionally re-regulate ourselves during stressful times. (Under the new 2023 workplace health and safety code of practice upgrades coming in this week, and under the newest law IN NSW and SA protecting Australia's 1 in 10 people working on the front facing front lines, anyone who still thinks this doesn't apply to them, might literally find themselves in either HR or being questioned by Police now as a prompt to "self awareness.") 3- Grounding and re-entering ourselves to connect with our intuition (Amazing how auto-correct just changed “centering” to re-entering ourselves…..same thing, so I’m going to leave it as it is!?) As well as grounding ourselves, shifting our state is essential to being able to hear our inner intuitive voice mentioned above. Like trying to answer a mobile phone in the middle of a crowd at a concert, how much of it do you hear when you’re surrounded by outer chaos and noise? Not as much as you could? That’s why practicing both mindfulness and meditation are so critical now as skills, to be able to pin point that inner voice, amidst all the other noise and signals of the world, others and the deafening sound of the shadow antics of a few thousand years of patriarchy coming apart at the seams too. 4- Grounding ourselves and staying in “our lane” over getting pulled into the fight Which brings me to the next point. When so much of world right now, face to face and online, is so constantly spoiling for a fight right now, how we NOT let ourselves get pulled into the fight, feels more relevant than ever. To do that, we also have to be able to slow down, ground and centre ourselves, to switch out of “mental” and “fight flight” gears and deliberately choose to stay connected to the power of heart, soul and higher consciousness. And then keep engaging others and calling others to engage with us in this state. It takes a whole lot of self discipline to choose self responsibility in the face of someone working either massively overtime or massively under effort to push our buttons, and to look in the mirror at what we might not even realise that we’re playing out and why (until someone else becomes the mirror?) And then choose not to play into things like judging and stereotyping, blame and victim consciousness, unleashing our own stuff for catharsis, competitiveness, tribalism and the endless need to put someone (often ourselves) into the box of righteousness and superiority and someone into the box of “lesser than” and “enemy’ and dehumanise them completely. To justify then doing whatever is necessary, in a world where competition, "Saying it like it is", survival of the fittest, the zero sum game and war have long been marketed as both a necessity and and the answer we all need. While we reach a break through point of the masses realising how much they really aren’t. But then not really understanding either how to disengage from the mind games and the war? Simultaneously, we’re reaching a breaking point of tension right now over our differing views in 5 areas in particular; over our political views, religious and spiritual world views, personal development related views, diversity, equality and inclusivity views, and of course, scientific views over what is the most evidence based and scientifically credible vs ‘disinformation’. The breaking point being in how stubbornly and rigidly we’re hanging onto that our way is THE way and how frustrated we’re letting ourselves become over why the other can’t just get it and change to our way? Or is such a d1#$ about it at least? But that’s the thing. What if we don’t even need to argue? Because what if they’re not MEANT TO surrender to our way, or us to theirs? What if the whole point is them journeying and learning from THEIR way? And part of our journey as humans is to learn to be totally okay with that? To appreciate both the journey and difference, and ask what we too can learn from it, instead of getting so frustrated with and wanting to change constantly the points of difference? 5- Remembering how to learn, NOT just how to educate and influence What if learning actually happens to be a two way dynamic, involving 2 teachers and 2 students, not just a 1 way one? And every time we progress to a fight, we’re actually missing the whole lesson and the whole point? True influence is still such a misunderstood concept in our world. But true influence I think is actually dependent upon and happens only when, we’ve first established connection, after attempting to truly see the human being in front of us. And after listening to understand, and coming to understand, and then sharing from a place of more mutual agreeability, one’s own particular viewpoint. When we speak to the higher part of them, with and from heart and the higher part of us and build that connection, based on our willingness to listen and learn, as much as to share, we create a space where others are more willing to truly hear us out and genuinely consider our point of view too. Plus where they feel safe enough to sit through the process of inner discomfort, in letting it brush up against their own world view, and seeing where it does or doesn’t fit in. But I say again, the development of that space, is also actually contingent upon as being as willing to see them for the whole of who they are and their vast capacity as the Teacher that they are too (yes literally EVERYONE, and to learn too from them and respect and receive all that they’re willing to teach us too. Whether it looks and feels how we expect it to and want it to. Or that teaching takes a route that we might not have wanted, but that we realise in hindsight that we actually needed. Sometimes that route may involve the willingness to let go of needing to be sitting in the position of superiority or righteousness, in order to feel safe and in control? It might mean our egos need to eat a bit of humble pie, to let go of attachment to our achievements and statuses, or to let go of needing to achieve any particular outcome? And as it relates to our own greatness as Teachers, what gives us the audacity to think that we someone know better than them, what is the right way for them, better than they themselves might know, anyway? Or can experience it for themselves? The longer i’ve been in this game, as any form of human growth facilitator, whether an an Artist, or a Practitioner of some sort, the more I’ve surrendered to the fact that my job is not to teach people “the right ultimate way” of anything. So much as, beyond offering any particular set of practices or experiences, my ultimate job is to help people reconnect and come home to themselves. To remember who and what they really are, to their own truth and experiencing for themselves, directly, first hand, their truth and higher nature. And then to reconnect with the world from that pure place. Minus all the bull$h1t. I'm becoming like a broken record on this, but when we connect to that place, and look out to the world at interact from that place, no one would ever hurt anyone again. Because it’s damn near impossible to do harm, when you’re seeing and remembering that you and others, are both raw, pure, expressions of love, embodied in physical form, trying to experience itself and reconnect with it's endless expressions of self, in countless different ways. There is beauty again to be rediscovered in each and every moment of being with and experiencing that presence in others too, the joy of giving and being of service just for the sake of it. So much of the light we shine out into the world comes from how we show up in those moments and what that inspires and moves in others. Paradoxically, the harder though we try and grasp, to prove something to anyone, or to influence making an impact, funny, sometimes the more elusive actually doing so becomes? Whatever you choose to be and how you choose to show up in 2024, wishing you so much, love, peace, ease, grace, many miracles and much abundance in how it comes to pass. Until next year…. Nat xxAnger has a distinct purpose as an inner communication signal, in that it’s most common job is to alert us to circumstances in which something has occurred that is way off base with our ideas of how things should work, how we, or others should conduct ourselves, and or be treated. But where we often get stuck in communicating about that thing with others, is that noticing the feeling of that initial warning bell, is only about 15% of the way along the journey to uncovering the full extent of what that warning bell is really trying to communicate, relative to what actually needs to be communicated to the other. Hence communicating based on that initial impulse, before we’ve had enough time to fully download the whole message RE what it’s really about, can end up being about as effective in getting us the outcome we really want, as trying to install and run a program on our laptop when it’s only 15% downloaded? Does that work? Unfortunately, no. Don’t kill me (and any readers under 18, please look away), but I thus also liken progressing straight to hasty expressions of intense bursts of emotion based on this initial alarm bell (and any consequential activation of our inner defence system) to the emotional equivalent of premature ejaculation. Or in this case, the (made up) word that came to mind is “projaculation.” Because it involves both an often spontaneous emission of a whole lot of projected emotionally reactive energy, typically discharged AT another, often based on a need for immediate relief and catharsis. Just like the experience of pleasure and the deeper layers of energetic, soulful connection and the host of experiences that can also accompany the body’s experience of shared physical intimacy, the experience of anger also has layers of both physical reactivity, attachments to loving bonds and our heart (if we didn’t care, why would we be so bothered), plus insights and gifts attached to it, that lay in the depths underneath the initial indulgence of that early compulsive urge to unleash it. The message that it’s trying to share is also layered. And it’s rarely just about the thing that we are pointing our finger at. While 3 fingers commonly, remain pointing back at ourselves. “They did this to me!” the victim mentality screams. “What lead to them doing that to you?" I ask. “They chose to do that”. "And?" I ask "And what?" "Did you also take the time at some point to fully explain to them what you needed? And your expectations? Or how the job is ideally, or optimally performed? Did you follow up to clarify and confirm that this was understood? And could therefore be enacted?" “No.” "Then who else are you really angry at? “Me” "What for?" "For failing to ask for what I really needed earlier. For failing to do the best job I could of educating and teaching them how I/we expected them to show up." "So you’re also really angry at?" “Me.” “For?” “Also failing to honour myself and how I expect to be treated, to live up to my expectations about how I should behave and treat others, and for not doing what I really needed to do earlier” So who do you need to have the conversation with to resolve that? “Me.” “Do you need to unleash the anger associated with that on the other party to get the message across?” “They need to know that I’m upset. But? “They also need to know how to do something differently. What doing better looks like. “So…” “I’m better off taking a moment to think through and reframe the message” “To?” “Reflect on what the real issue is, but also what is needed instead, to get the outcome we both want. As well as what I need." And there you have it. Following through just one conversation with that anger as an example, if we listened to the voice of our inner anger a little longer, it had more to say. And what it had to say in full, was about to lead to a much better outcome for both parties, on the other side of the projected frustration at the other, that was also a misdirected expression of frustration at self. And us ideally, as well as them, getting our needs met too. Conversely, if we just yelled at them based on our initial reaction, what might have happened instead, is the activation in return of the other parties defence system in response and the blocking of the willingness to give audience to our voice and needs under those circumstances. Might have. I say this as an example, as its one of the the instances I’ve struggling with most in my life, on the expression end, and on the receiving end of others expression of frustration and anger. As a massive over-feeler of feelings, in person, it’s never subtle to others when something with me is either very right, or very wrong. But the number of conflicts I’ve had from childhood onwards, in which I was shut down and other parties refused to listen, because they could see and hear the growing frustration in my tone, and called it abuse, became too long a relational list at one point. (And fair enough, because there were times in which I was a) progressing straight to projection of hurt, instead of owning what I’d never originally proactively communicated that I needed, and b) that the frustration was either often born of assuming that they didn’t care enough to notice or do anything about it, and therefore that I NEEDED to go too hard on the negative reinforcement aspect in volume, or in complaining, guilting and shaming to get the point across. Which you actually don’t.) And then there was the flip side of the coin on me being on the receiving end of others frustration and anger, in response to something I’d said and done, or their own projections and triggers. Which on many occasions from childhood onwards, I’d had the raising of legitimate concerns, turn into and end with me having my stuff thrown and broken, being group beaten and group sexually assaulted, or on other occasions, raped, or drunk beaten and kicked in my sleep, for some thing somewhere, that hadn’t been resolved earlier. I got then so used to being on the receiving end of other’s loss of control, that I went also to the other extreme of learning all the ways to manage and control in them what they couldn’t. Until I felt confident that I could moderate both their stuff if I had to AND better state manage and communicate mine. But in the process, also often stopped trusting in other’s ability to control their anger and frustration. Often at times (like so many in our culture now do) bowing out at the instance of it’s emergence, saying that I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready to deal with this again. When either side of either the expression of anger, or the side of resistance to expression of anger as a self defence, is not fully owned and managed though, we end up with a breakdown in the capacity to stay IN a relationship as whole humans and work through normal everyday confusions and challenges of work and personal life, well. Because frustration and anger are a legitimate internal emotional communication signal, so it’s not realistic to expect others to NEVER feel them. Or to never have defensive responses to triggers within proximity of us, within the relationship WITH us. So we've got to find a way to get ok with the fact that humans are inevitably going to have negative feelings, triggers or defences, as a part of being human. And getting to the next layers beyond the raw initial expression of anger, or defensive activation of triggers in relationship, involves at times, some self delay and a level of self discipline on our own part, to take the time first, to hear what our reactivity is truly trying to tell each of us IN FULL. And once we’ve got that download, to then communicate about that. So a part of mature connection and communication, also involves learning how to both stay in the room if another gets triggered, without making by default, their process about US and our safety. (And our sense of safety solely dependent upon their state.) As well as requires us learning how to “resolve things well.” Or in the case of those of us who’ve experienced others losing control of that anger and progressing to physical violence, learning how to be present again with the ‘normal’ range of negative human responses again, trusting in the capacity and commitment of other or future parties to own and manage them. Without us needing to erupt, or to shut them down prematurely, for our own perceived safety. Which, put into practice, at the initial signs of someone becoming triggered, might sound like acknowledging that "you see that they’re upset and you absolutely care about what they need and about resolving this. You want to understand what’s going on and how to be here for them/show up/love/care for them better/do better in this role that you’re in. But you also don’t need to have them punish, guilt and shame you in order for you to understand. As you already feel regretful that this hasn’t gone well and people have got hurt. But what you need to understand here is what do they need instead? So talk to me.... how can I give you what you need in this situation? What do you need from me here? How can I help?" Instead of anybody shutting anybody down, this involves staying in the room with each other while either is angry or defensively triggered, but giving them time and space and the safety to go beyond communication “projaculation” so that they can listen to it and to hear what their anger is really trying to tell them. And then to still be there to have the dialogue about what comes next on the other side of that. The first few times, because projecting and defending are often such unconscious, on autopilot reactions, it might take a bit of loving boundary setting to name, lovingly, what we're witnessing is going on. But in emotional maturity and fighting well alike, there has got to be a commitment on BOTH sides, by each party, to owning their anger, and asking for the time and room to do a healthy process with the energy of it, within the relationship. Taking ownership of containing “the fire”, and doing anything with it, BUT what so often happens, in people using it to arm our words back to the other as weaponry. Bullets loaded full of blame, of accusation, of frustration, of score keeping and bringing back up past occurrences, of character attack, or weaponising vulnerable things the other shared against them. That might well be some breathing, some movement, asking for a minute and cutting a lap of the house/floor/the space and then returning, but at least some visualisation, to do something to flow the energy of it out of us. Even if it’s us feeling, but then visualising chucking that energy at the sun, before then calling in the energy of peace, love, calmness and calling back the energy into us of the higher soulful version of us, who has some much more constructive responses to offer. And calling back in the energy of trust and (as with last week) whatever “support” and energy we need to re-embody our highest expression and be a vehicle for achieving the best possible outcomes, with and for each other. Whatever “thing” we do with it, we're then embracing our responsibility to be a protector and guardian of the shared space between us, even and especially when it means doing something to protect the other from the volatility of ourselves. Asking for the time to calm our system down long enough, to then give us room to listen to what our insides have to say. To use the power of insight to get the download on what is really going on. Once we’ve determined what the highest version of us (who’s playing for the team WE, not just team ME) has to say about the situation, then we communicate that back to the other. If at first, one party needs to withdraw within for a bit to get it, so be it, we need to learn to be patient with that, as a part of deescalating our inner defence systems, from DEFCON 2 (imminent nuclear war), back down to 5 (conflict's equivalent of 'rest and digest' mode.) Understanding that it’s harder to get the higher insight to download, when survival brain in running the show and we’re overcome with a cloud of feelings associated with the trigger. We would ideally then come back to each other with the insight about what is really needed, to grow the relationship, or get the job done well (depending on the personal or professional context.) And then work through the details of the HOW of that. Does that make some degree of sense? Lord knows the world could use a little less premature projaculation right now, and use a little more premature self responsibility AND spontaneous emission of literally ANYTHING else from the heart. Just as each of our relationships could too. 'Just sayin.’ With love, until next time... Nat xxUnbeknown to many this week, it was kindness day on Monday 13th November, which is a day that was established in 1998, in the hope of encouraging compassion, empathy, acts of loving service and unity between people of various different backgrounds and highlighting kind acts that were being performed in the community and in the world. While it continues to be the case that far too many people still view kindness as some form of weakness, research continues to back up that kindness, love and compassion are the answer to many of the world’s problems right now. (As if we should need a study to confirm that.) But let’s not let my frustration at the number of times I’ve needed to use the “we ask that you please communicate respectfully at all times” line with stressed out people this week hijack this into a rant. What did occur to me though in the process of work and life this week (and book editing my book about kindness) is a couple of factors that will get in the way of us being able to fully achieve the desired outcomes from implementing the 6 pillars of creating greater kindness in communication I was talking about. As I walked frequently back of house through the smell of sweat, dirty feet, stress hormones, verbal condescension and raised voices this week backstage at a handful of dance concerts, and reflected on the past olfactory experience of “Eau de fight” (and dirty feet) that you can also clearly detect when walking through, say, the average Ju Jitsu gym, I reflected on some of the research that suggests that emotional states are quite literally infectious. When we get fight flight activated, in the directions of fear or aggression, as much as when we feel deeply depressed, as just 3 examples, we sweat out the biochemistry of that. So if you’re working with, living with, dancing or sparring with someone who’s activated in that state, giving off that biochemistry, as we walk through the space, breathing that in, absorbing it into our skin, it is absolutely the case that we can take on not just “the energy” of the room (as some call it) and the mood, by observation or some form of empathic receptivity. But physiologically, we’re ALSO at risk of biochemically absorbing the stressed state of the room. And if we’re not aware of that, playing straight back into mirroring it. This is one thing that we’ve got to understand too if we’re to break the cycle of verbally defensive reactivity that goes along with operating in stressful situations, and AT times at which we’re challenged. Someone has quite literally got to lead by example in shifting the state of the room at those times. Or it can and will further deteriorate into a living sh3$show of abuse and closed hearts. Secondly, there is an aspect of successfully enacting kind behaviour and having it stick, that I’ve been debating how much of it I include in the book, when I originally started writing it with a corporate market in mind. BUT if I don’t do it, handing out the book as it is, as though it’s some form of answer, would be like asking someone to use it to successfully put together a 500 piece puzzle, while withholding 176 of the pieces. Another aspect of maintaining kindness, is also metaphysical. So at the risk of losing a sh$t load of people, in a play on the immortal words of Olivia Newton John and later Dua Lipa, “let’s get “METAphysical.” But first of all, a little backstory for just a paragraph on why I would talk about that. As a person who is often identified as a Career Polymath of sorts, who first studied a Contemporary Arts course that emphasised the need for Creatives to be multi modality skilled in order to achieve success, I’ve long been one who has had 2-3 career paths and aspirations running simultaneously. In my late 20’s, while I was largely working in Community Services NFP’s, Emergency Services and Health RTO’s after studying my Counselling and Biological Science qualifications, I got really interested in and started studying Shamanism, Transpersonal Psychology and numerous Energetic Health and Healing modalities. As well as how trauma manifests and how to clear trauma imprints from a metaphysical, not just psychological, or psychosomatic “mind-body connection” viewpoint. Like many, some traumatic experiences earlier in life also catalysed the opening up of some of my own extra sensory awarenesses, and later abilities to work with energy, that this professional explanation was the next step in that journey. But long story short, in my own personal humble viewpoint, with love and respect to the huge amount of great work being done by some very notable Psychologists and Psychiatrists in trying to heal trauma, trying to heal trauma, trigger and defence patterns, without understanding metaphysics, feels like trying to reassemble and run a functional combustion engine, with a whole piston missing, or play an octave on a piano with a missing C key and then expecting both to sound right…when in all cases, none of these have all the components present to function optimally. Let alone the belief that it even can. Whatever metaphor we use though, It’s hard to live into our highest potential and functional optimally as humans, if we’re missing whole pieces of the blueprint and apparatus required for optimal function. And how to optimally BE a living embodiment of our highest expression and of unconditional love and compassion. To both heal trauma, break defensive and abusive behaviour patterns and hence be able to be more kind, we need to also understand the metaphysical component of how any single one of us can also be “influenced” by beings and consciousnesses, physical and non physical, as much as the “signals” of thoughtforms and intentions of others at any given time. As well as understanding how we're being impacted by “the energy/mood” or biochemistry in the room. And there are certain states in which we become more readily able to be “influenced” by those, as much as in which we become open to being able to perceive and receive what they’re trying to say and do. For example, as a Shaman might describe it, when we’re under the influence of drugs or planet medicines, and our controlling monkey minds take a back seat from trying to passenger seat control our driving all the time, and our higher consciousness, or parts of our unconscious (if we want to go Jungian) take the wheel, we can be more ‘open’ to perceiving and receiving both wanted and intentional metaphysical interactions, as well as the full spectrum of 'meta to human' or 'extra to our terrestrial nature' that exist full stop out there. The same is true when we are put, or put ourselves in trance states, high energy (eg ecstatic dance or marathon running) or low energy (meditative) states. Like Frodo putting on the one ring, suddenly we can see and become aware of the fact that they were there the entire time. Conversely, getting drunk, or stimulated by some addictive recreational drugs on the other hand, specifically when often used with the intent of escapism, or without fully understanding what we’re opening ourselves potentially up to, tend to have the effect of putting us in a more vulnerable state to be influenced by the same kinds of characters, that might take advantage of the situation if they found us just lying passed out on the street. The shamanic perspective of this is that, when we drink or use substances to check out, it’s a bit like leaving our vehicle parked in the middle of the street, with all 4 doors open, running and the keys left in the ignition. WIth your credit cards and I.D. left in your wallet, carelessly on the passenger seat too. Some people in seeing this, would try and help. Some “beings” on the other hand, will go “hell yes, well if you’re that stupid to leave it there, you basically told me I could take it for a spin and use all your cards! Thanks Mate!” As with humans, some of the non physical consciousnesses, or beings have benevolent, loving intent and are on our support team to help us reach our highest expression. And just like any crowd of humans we walk into, a percentage of them are suffering; they’re lost, confused or depressed energies or souls, looking for help, safety, answers, resolution, meaning, purpose, or a safe home. Just like a small percentage of humans, some also want to get their hands on something that we have, by any means that they can, and are quite willing to manipulate, or impersonate, or whisper stuff in your ear to get it. A bit like the “odd ball agitator” that occasionally gets on the bus and starts making everyone uncomfortable while they’re acting out for attention, or educating them on their beliefs that no one asked for, some of them want to bully and get their kicks out of saying something that makes everyone in the space react. Or get their kicks out of turning a room against each other and then feeding off the energy and sense of power it gives them. (We often see them, but not the cheeky 'consciousness' standing to their left and speaking through them.) And some of those souls might still be pissed off about that thing that happened in 1723 and are happy to still hang around you as spirits now, like the Green Man over Tom Hank's shoulder in the movie Cloud Atlas, whispering unhelpful thoughts in your ear, every time you, for example, try and reconnect in THIS life, with a third party who rejected them for you back then. Or trying to sabotage your self esteem, or achievements when you’re doing well, or you’re new friendships, or relationships when they’re jealous/not a part of it/you're not paying attention to them. Basically multidimensional beings can be both good and be total jerks too. So just like the way we would deal with physical humans who were treating us this way, when we notice some signs that there might have been something hiding in our blindspot, “influencing us” (eg those sudden, “unexplainable” mood changes, triggers or compulsions, impacting ourselves or others ) we can also make a conscious choice for both ourselves, and the benefit of others, to do a set of practices to manage the metaphysical aspects of that. Which:
When we don’t, when we’re run down, or exhausted and our patience and tolerance is at it’s lowest, or we're in escapism mode, we make ourselves more vulnerable to taking on or being influenced by energies, ideas and intentions that aren’t our own. Human or meta human. And this can be a contributing factor in why tempers and conflicts flare and get worse. And or, why at times, people’s moods and demeanour seemingly go from one extreme to another, in a very short amount of time, with very little obvious external or internal trigger. Yet, they’re suddenly triggered, or filled with a compulsive urge to say and do things that might seem somewhat out of character, compared to how they felt about us or what they were focused on just prior. “Being kind” often gets readily intellectually accepted and advocated for, in the moments in life where life is all rainbows and sunshine. But what I feel we’re being confronted with en masse right now, is that it’s when we’re not ok, when we’re vulnerable and pushed to our limits, that practicing kindness actually matters the most. But if we’re to truly do that exceptionally well, we also need to understand how to manage the metaphysical stuff in the room, that can be potentially compromising our own wellbeing and psychological safety. As well as that of others, and that of our relationships. If you have any further questions on that, always happy to do a session on what the practices that I do, that have landed me some pretty amazing feedback for the quality of the professional spaces that I’ve created and held over the years, look like. They're also pretty handy in catalysing some pretty remarkable turn-arounds in relationships and external circumstance too, once you clear out some of the "third parties" that can be subtly getting in the way. Until next time… Nat Ferrier xxThese are weird, polarised times that we live in. It feels like we’re constantly being pulled into conversation after conversation now about who are you standing FOR and who are you AGAINST? YES, or NO? Collingwood, or Brisbane Lions? Israel or Palestine? Russian or Ukraine? Democratic, or Republican? For or against A.I.? Athiest, or Religious/Spiritual? Woke, or anti-woke? What if this constant obsession with sides, and the needing to storm and norm and assemble with the people ON our side is a part of the problem though? What if it’s beginning to make us more intolerant of difference than we’ve ever been, and causing more separation and division, than as a species, we can actually sustainably afford to maintain?
There are A LOT of problems in the world right now, for which I don’t even begin to claim to have an answer for. There are a lot of injustices, on various scales of severity, perpetuating forward with such perpetual conviction right now, like wars, like continuing environmental and habitat destruction, like unchecked corporate greed, the breaking down of parts of the economy, and thousands of pathways of making a living, not to mention the loss of basic human rights over one’s own image and intellectual property, as more and more companies push to implement A.I. to achieve their agenda at any cost. Like the endless pursuit, and the justification of the pursuit, of the agenda of “ME” over the “WE” involved in any and all of these situations. They all have their scale of urgency and priority. The prospect of war, death, violence, rape, torture, imminent frequency of ever more natural disasters, all beckon our immediate attention and intervention. And yet at the same time, when “inflation,” and the cost of housing and living v’s your wage becomes so high that far too many are at risk of homelessness, while ever more parties use these as justification not to make any promises any more about paying you by a certain time, and the implementation of A.I. in almost every area in which you’ve been traditionally employed threatens to cut the fees/income you used to be able to receive for doing all of those jobs down to something unsustainable for anyone who doesn’t have over a certain number of customers, or who is limited to any form of time for money exchange scenario to sustainably live on, it’s hard NOT to be concerned with the imminent and immediate ME related implications for oneself of this in a world that still runs on monetary exchange. One that, ever more, seems to have recently doubled back down into a lack based culture again of dog-eat-dog, every MAN in it for themselves “ME” over “WE” mentality, fuelled by fear and lack? Faith and trust in our fellow humans to have our own back seems to be breaking down. Plus ever moreso in human facing scenarios, as a symptom of this, so many conversations seem to now so quickly escalate to a fight, based on a default expectation that the other doesn’t care or recognise our needs. And therefore a fight over who’s needs and rights, are RIGHT. When, as I’m editing a whole book of thoughts and practices relating to right now, it doesn’t NEED to ever be or become a fight. As we sit in Australia today, on top of a referendum that asks us to pick a side (and threatens to fine us for NOT picking a side) in regards to our Indigenous brothers and sisters having a voice in parliament, amidst the various opinions of the Indigenous Leaders and people who identify as aboriginal or Torres straight Islander on this, and the various sources of information voicing concerns about the lack of information or insufficiencies of the documents being placed on the table, it becomes hard listening to the OUTSIDE to know what is truly the right thing for all parties to do. Just as it can be confusing in a thousand other major globally impacting scenarios right now to know what is truly the best of strategies forward. In the end the best we can do, is do our best to seek as much information as we need on the subject at hand from those who can provide it, take the time to digest it and then tune in and hand it to our higher intelligence, our heart and soul and intuition to guide as to the right answer. But as it relates to picking a side this week, I also found myself writing this: I’m for equality in consideration of the needs of all parties in relational and group contexts I’m for being clear and upfront in each party clearly communicating their needs, wants, expectations and boundaries, with love and kindness and the need for all parties involved to be willing to hear and consider all relevant sides and viewpoints, in an attempt to come up with a mutually beneficial pathway forward. I’m for any party speaking up when some aspect of behaviour or action falls out of alignment with that. And working towards a mutually beneficial solution. But when it comes to humanity, I’m NOT FOR this constant taking of sides. Because, like a circle, or better yet, a sphere, humanity has no sides. We’re all one and one within the whole. If we’re to ever get out of the multitude of predicaments the human race now finds itself in, we have got to remember that, now more than ever. We have got to stop seeing and focusing on the vast chasm of our differences and mistakes. And start seeing the other again, in the NOW, for their humanity, with all its depth, complexity and hidden vulnerability. We have got to start looking for the beauty and the best in that other human in front of us. And we have got to commit to looking more often for the common ground that unites us over our differences. We have got to choose love, especially of our enemies. And accept that love and calling someone out on an act of behaviour as a way of bringing us BACK to love AND having compassion and unity, can co-exist. It may be the hardest thing you or I will ever do to practice opening our hearts and offering a hug and trying to find reasons to foster compassion and understanding FOR the people who are locked to their own agendas, to the people who we perceive have hurt US the most, or hurt others the most…. and who we therefore have the most heated feelings towards and judgements of their actions. But if we can’t learn to do it now, the human race is getting ever closer to 50 shades of f@#$ed yet AGAIN . We’ve had Millenia after Millenia of history repeating itself: Of children born into hate, trauma and judgement and political war, who lose someone they love in this war, growing up to hate and then start another war with someone seeking justice or revenge. Millenia of old Leaders who hate another Leader they can’t get to come over to side, or gain power over or assets from, telling hundreds of thousands of young people who DON’T hate each other that they NEED to hate each other and go to war with each other to achieve justice. And then civilisation after civilisation eventually falling because of it. When does jt ever end???? Perhaps it ends when we remember to see it for what it really is… and choose to learn to love our enemies? When we choose to Be FOR humanity. Call me naive, and call me a broken record, but I truly believe that when we look someone in the eyes, no matter who that someone is and what they’ve done, standing in the power of our hearts and souls. offer them love, and allow for the absolute best within them to come forward (and ask for “divine/higher intelligence too, to support us with this), they WILL show up in the most beautiful and miraculous ways, meeting you BACK in that energy. Learning to hold and continually choose and come back to that energy oneself is a journey that happens once. But that we must choose time and time again. But I continue to believe it is the answer of all answers in these times. Until next time Nat xx P.S. I can barely edit this book fast enough right now. If you’d like to stay in the loop to receive a copy, you can jump on my mailing list below.... How do we ascertain the difference between assertiveness and abusiveness in personal and professional contexts? And embody the former with kindness, over falling into playing in, or playing out the latter? If there was a T Shirt that pretty well summed up the theme of my last week and a bit, on multiple fronts, this would be it. As a Manager amongst Managers, I seem to have earned myself a reputation of being surprisingly Zen under often stressful, chaotic, highly changeable event circumstances. But I have my moments. Moments where, in the debriefing myself on the way home, in the giving myself both a pat on the back for where I stepped up and or the asking myself how I could’ve done better, I’ll realise that, for example, I could have moved more like an ambo in certain moments (slow, deliberate, calm inspiring stroll, despite urgency of immediate circumstance). Or there are moments where adults behaving more like their children than their children in their tones and tantrems certainly test the limits of my patience. And despite my strict insistence with myself, in a spiritual, multidimensional universe, in which I KNOW the vibration of love (and a few prayers for assistance to respective spirit guides for assistance) will quickly remedy 999 999 out of 1 million escalating circumstances, there are moments where urgency and haste also have to take property in moments. Moments where my tone inevitably becomes more present, firmer, more direct, louder and inevitably, when people insist on continuing to not listen, object to every instruction, snap back at me and or generally just do whatever the hell they want regardless of the impact, my tone and manner will escalate into a “don’t be mistaking my kindness, for weakness, b@#$% I will literally END YOU with consequence if you don’t comply within the next 15 seconds.” I never feel particularly proud of those moments, so much as I feel like I’ve failed at being an enlightened soul, but succeeded admirably in playing in the mud of being ‘human.’ And yet, sometimes, this is the only earthly language that some people (not all people) seem to consciously or unconsciously understand, respond to and respect. If you give an inch on taking too much responsibility for their actions, they’ll take a country mile on doing and saying literally anything, or lying about literally anything, to avoid accepting any form of personal or professional accountability for the impact of their actions. And they don’t want to hear any other version of the truth that calls them to a version of reality that is not 100% their way, to their liking, on their terms. And they’ll create a story that ultimately justifies your wrongness, and their entitlement to behave and treat you in this way. For these folk, sometimes kindness, IS, it turns out, a show of strength. Of assertiveness. They learn little about life, about personal and professional relationship, about being human if you just give them their way, let them walk all over you and let them wreak destruction and disrespect all over others in the vicinity. You might be rid of them, or get rid of them in 5 minutes from now. BUT, then they become someone else’s pain in butt. Or your pain in the butt again a few days, weeks, months further down the line from now. Sometimes kindness is saying it like it is, assertively. For example, “I hear you, but (as the Leader in this scenario) I need you to do this/move to this location right now.” Sometimes kindness is kindly but firmly repeating your instruction in a slightly different way, for the 3rd time, still with equal calm presence and insistence. Sometimes kindness with strength is listening to and incorporating one missing piece of information, and then doubling down again on the original instruction. Sometimes it’s confidently telling someone that you believe they’re incorrect in the conclusion that they’ve drawn. That it’s not ok for them to do (X) when it has this consequence for you/this person/people. That they will get a better outcome anyway if they do this (rather than what they just did). That they need to (please) stop talking and start listening. That they need to back off right now (and respect a boundary.) That they’re behaving in an abusive or disrespectful manner by doing (X). That if they refuse to listen, to compromise, to take responsibility for their share, then do I have to ask a Parent/Teacher/Security/the Police ( or the case of my last week, NCAT) to mediate instead. Or will they meet me half way and do as requested. Assertiveness and Abusiveness, though, are not the same thing. In trying to differentiate the line between one and the other, to discern how I should show up, I think the ultimate differentiating factor, is intent. In assertiveness, our motivation is ultimately love; it’s to bring things back into alignment with love, equality, accountability, honesty, patience, compassion, mutuality, respect, when some aspect of the experience has fallen out of it. The motivation behind abuse on the other hand, is usually to do and cause harm on purpose; to punish, to withdraw privilege/s, resources or love, to wound the other party, under some form of internal justification that this is warranted. Or to one-up them, or show dominance in an “oh, so you underestimated my tiny stature and mistook my kindness for weakness did you, well how do you like that for a consequence, b#$%@!” kind of way. In other words, rather than the desired outcome, somehow that just became about my ego, and a flex of dominance, rather than educating the other about the problem, or working towards a mutually beneficial outcome by addressing the ultimate question; “what is really needed here instead?” Make sense? Someone’s tone can become more insistent, more direct, louder, in a situation requiring urgent “don’t think, just do” type management and action, where the intent is to get them to safety, and you need to quickly get their attention. Or when they appear not to have heard you 4 times in a row and the need for them to follow instruction is extremely timely, while still holding loving, respectful intent.. But it doesn’t mean you’re being abusive. I find that while meeting and matching aggression and disrespect, with aggressive tonality and dominant body language and energy proportionate to one’s position of authority, or directly proportional to the challenge being presented is definitely still sometimes the only language and collective behavioural construct that some people will seem to respond to, to me, dropping down into this level of consciousness, remains the last resort. As someone who grew up having experienced being both individually and group assaulted at multiple times in the past when I majorly stood my ground, and thus spent a lot of time and money later on in adult life learning every self defence move and as many psychological and spiritual warfare tactics as I could get my hands on, to learn how to regain the upper hand if such a thing ever happened again, busting out the BJJ moves and drawing upon all the psychological, energetic, spiritual warfare tactics I could use to regain the upper hand, remains something I will only do when safety and lives are in danger, or physical assault is immediate and incoming. When I make an assessment that the other party is purposely disrespecting whatever I say and choosing to deliberately do whatever suits them to do anyway, often while maintaining lack of eye contact (or face to face communication) and physically maintaining lack of rapport, ignoring you with a subtle smug smile on your face, the challenge is NOT to ascend in my aggressiveness of volume, or tone and yell at them for behaving (according to collective consensus) like an asshole to everyone else in the vicinity AND me. Intro closing off my heart in self defence and treating them equally like crap as punishment for their perceived act of disrespect. The challenge is to reach for the higher part of myself, the unconditionally loving part, say a little prayer for interdimensional support, channel and embody that energy and then operate from that instead. To remember that this is a spiritual being, within a human in front of me and to appeal to that higher part of them to come forward and interact instead. With loving conviction and strength, trusting in the other to also BE a vessel for the best version of themselves and whatever that looks and feels like, allowed the opportunity. Because experience has shown over the recent decades instead, that the majority of the time, given the time to be enacted, it actually works far more effectively. And gets far better outcomes, faster. But more than that, it leaves a lasting positive imprint. They may not understand exactly what just happened in the short term, but they won’t quickly forget the experience either. Until next time... Nat Ferrier xx*please note: sensitive content and stories are contained within this blog that may be distressing to some readers. If you are currently experiencing similar difficult financial or life circumstances, in Australia, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or SMS: 0477 13 11 14, for 24/7 support, connect with a Therapist online through Better Help or your workplace employee assistance program. Something that I’ve been talking about more than anything else in recent weeks, and this week, in what happens to be World Childless Week: intergenerational trauma…and what a factor this is in the lives and decision making processes of so many mid 30 to middle aged people now, who aren’t at this point, Biological Parents themselves, for any number of reasons. Given that domestic violence and sexual assault rates in this country are so high (according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics’ (ABS) 2021-22 Personal Safety Survey (PSS), an estimated 41%, or 8 million Australians having experienced physical and/or sexual violence since the age of 15, including 31% of women and 42% of men who have experienced physical violence, 22% of women and 6.1% of men having experienced sexual violence) I think we’re severely underestimating the link between the 2 circumstances of the prevalence of abuse in our society, and the number of people of all genders, who as elder Millennials and Gen Xers alone, let alone any age, have come to be without biological children by this age. They don’t always talk about it, but when you inquire deeper, it’s often a significant factor in why they’ve not had kids of their own. (While i personally believe that all of these things i'm about to mention can be worked through and overcome, and we'll come back to that later, what i'm about to share, is a measure of how many FEEL. That they need support to be guided through, and empowered beyond individually. And that we need to be mindful of how to support also collectively. ) It’s often named as a part of the reason that many are single. And in many cases, part of the reason they’re estranged from significant parts of their family of origin, is often as a result of having spoken up about things that were going on in the family unit that constituted various forms of abuse. In many cases, when they do, what happens is not necessarily that the family works to resolve the situation of abuse. So much as the person who called it out, and or may have been on the receiving end of it, often gets scapegoated, gaslit, blamed, shamed and isolated from the system as the source of of the problem. If not that, they’re operating on the fringes of the system, diplomatically, but have essentially closed themselves off from engaging deeply and meaningfully with the system, or being further hurt by the system, engaging only where essential. But often times, many report feeling like, for the failure of the situation to be sufficiently acknowledged and dealt with, for their own wellbeing, AND for that of any future children that they might have, or partners children that they might want to safely bring into the family unit, like they have no choice but to distance themselves from the dysfunctional parts of the family unit. Others have just flat out drawn a line in the sand, that because of this history, they're just not having kids at all; they refuse to co-participate in the potential paying forward of yet more unowned suffering. Hence why I say there is absolutely an undeniable link between the continuing prevalence of familial forms of abuse in this country, and one’s status as a person with or without children. And it definitely is impacting how they go on, or don't, to engaging kids in their life, or creating and co-participating in 'tribe' in other ways. The unfortunate flow on of unresolved trauma for the ones who had wanted to have kids, then means that, when it comes to them actually planning for having children (as biological parents, or in other ways) , in a world where it takes a community to raise a thriving child, they’re then facing the prospect of having to do so MINUS a reliable family of origin support structure. And if they do try and bring in some other form of support community, given the loss of the family of origin, trusting in the reliability of that new community group not to be just as transient and flawed as what came before, is a very real trust barrier to be overcome. And the fear that one will wind up being the anonymous single Mother posting in a Sydney social media community group, stating that she’s a Mother of a newborn, who can’t afford to not go back to work, but can’t afford child care or housing on Government benefits, for her on the Grandmother who wants to be a carer, seem more and more a frighteningly real possibility. Especially in this financial climate. (As I myself once said to 2 respective older Men who offered to impregnate me in a gap between major relationships in my early 30’s and then continue on their merry way, leaving me to repeat an intergenerational pattern of single parenthood, and “the community to raise the baby:” as a kid who already grew up in a single Father family, and watched the constant transient comings and goings of the very “communities” they were speaking of, rearranging about as often as the average person changes their underwear, my response to becoming asked to trust in those systems? “Uh, thanks for the offer, but yeah naaaah.” In addition to commitments to career taking longer and, in this financial climate, it taking many infinitely longer to achieve the white picket fence set of parameters that would ideally like to have nailed before resuming dating or starting a family (many doubt now, working 6 day weeks, and having almost hit the glass financial ceiling of ascension and pay in their chosen occupation, that they’ll ever even achieve it at all now). So many feel like they’re falling short of achieving the life goals they needed to before they feel ready and enough to continue dating and or trying to start, or merge with a family. So that is also a co-factor for many in why many are still single. Many want to have their s$#t squarely together, before putting themselves back in a position of being potentially judged and found inadequate by prospective parties, and rejected for not having our sh@# squarely together enough. In Sydney, where the culture is so incredibly material status, success and achievement driven and oriented, that’s a very real possibility. Many Men now too, as much as Women, expect their future partner to be earning a certain amount and at certain mile markers of achievement that match with their own as a part of their standard dating non negotiable checklist. And if child rearing is still their priority, then they’re likely looking for a Woman ideally with a well established family and friend support system. The longer many of us DON’T also have kids, the more estranged over time many often begin to feel from friends and family who went on TO have kids. No matter how hard either party tries to maintain the connection, it’s just the reality of what happens at times when Parents become Parents; the kids have got to come first now, over your own personal struggles or trying to have kids struggles, and many Parents want to be around other people who have Parenting experience to help them navigate the enormous challenges that they’re going through and have connection and support from people who also “get what it's like.” Either you find a way to adapt to the new reality, become the cool Aunt or Uncle and find ways to relate over the new common ground, you have kids too, you get honest about what's really going on for you about not having kids and why, and allow for connection to happen in new ways around that, or where you've done everything you can and you still just don't seem to fit, and/or dynamics are still ongoingly "toxic" without resolution, you find yourself letting go and accepting that you need to now build your own primary support structure, elsewhere. Unfortunately though, too often, too many are seemingly still not winning at creating that ideal balance in continued family connection. Or I wouldn't have found myself running a support group this last few years that has needed to serve a purpose of helping many Women heal and adapt after experiencing that kind of disconnection from the primary family and friend unit/s? But both that progressive loss of family of origin, progressive distancing of old friends and the seeming evaporation of the kinds of people who used to be interested in you in your years of 20-30 something dating, can start to make for a lot of anxiety related to forming friendships, romantic attachments and bonds with community or friend groups in future. Once one has had the illusion of the family unit that “family ties are forever and unbreakable” shattered first hand, and experienced first hand the very primal, core survival linked panic-level anxiety and grief that results from the loss of either a Parent or sibling, let alone the loss of both Parents, and or ones entire family of origin (let alone compounded by the potential experience of the loss of a past pregnancy or 3 from relationships past as well) the level of panic that one can start to feel at the prospect of both leaning into commitment, or having a commitment withdrawn from you, can be pretty freaking intense. Add to that, the fear that you’re going to be potentially rejected when one finds out about your history (or sees what a hot, hyperventilating, crying anxious mess you can be in moments of trying to manage your now anxious/avoidant attachment associated anxiety attacks) and deems you “too much, too unhealed, too codependent, too needy.” While there may be some truth to the notion that it is A LOT to ask of any given human, to hold the weight, or to offer an equivalent level of support to you that would once upon a time, ideally have come from an entire family/community system, and i believe we DO need to find other ways to both Parent ourselves, become our own gurus or rescuers AND access compatible support in health ways, it still remains that this kind of anxiety, is a hell of a weight for any given one of us recovering from intergenerational abuse and trauma, to be trying to cope with, carry, and overcome on our/their own. But many won’t go anywhere near either, any number of community, spiritual or religious support systems that they see to be dramatically out of touch with modern day beliefs, values and life circumstances, corrupted in their leadership or power structures, or pushing a Pronatally biased developmental agenda that has no answer for what they’re supposed to do with their lives if for any reason, they're estranged from their family because of intergenerational trauma and or if they can’t be a biological parent for whatever reason that largely seems beyond their control. But the majority are also too functional to qualify for much ongoing support from within the mental health or NFP community support service system. And if your’e anything like me, you’ll be avoiding with your life getting labelled, pathologised and medicated up to the eyeballs within that system as a part of the solution anyway. So where do they access support, when the support available, is, i'm sorry, often seemingly missing the mark on meeting them where they're at? As many in my support groups of recent years have said, role models and Trauma informed Therapists who actually have direct lived experience of how to navigate and thrive beyond this, still feel few and far between to them. They exist. But finding them can be a challenge. A collective roadmap as to how to successfully heal and resolve family intergenerational abuse and trauma, that incorporates and accounts for the 1 in 6 of the global population for whom conceiving children biologically might never be a part of their reality, let alone the level of collective support and engagement required to achieve it, is clearly still lacking in our society, or we wouldn't continue to have a problem of this magnitude? But where such roadmaps DO exist, all parties need to be willing to not just acknowledge the problem, but be willing to co-participate in it’s resolution, healing and transformation. And the sad reality is that examples where all parties aren't willing or capable of doing the necessary work, could still number as high as 1/3rd of the Australian Population, given the percentage who still refuse to acknowledge that issues impacting gender equality exist, or the 1/5 who believe that abuse reports are either exaggerated or don't even exist. It’s often easier in the end for multiple parties to play the denial card, the threaten defamation if you talk about it card, or for one or both parties, to run and or remain silent. So there are A LOT of people out there, trying to heal from their trauma, on their own. Yet so many in the younger generations now adamantly don’t want to pass the unowned trauma on and continue the cycle. But for Women at least, the time window you have in which to get all your trauma sorted out BEFORE you have kids, is more biologically time limited. So working on healing at the individual level, continues to feel like the most viable and achievable place to begin, and cultivate what ripples of change one can, while we develop collective models of healing and change. Healing, Reestablishing Safety and Reconnecting at the Individual Level Neuro-regulation & State Management A huge part of the first step is learning how to hold yourself through your moments of trauma trigger. Part of that is simple neuroregulation; breath work practices, combined with simple methods of refocusing your attention and energy, combined with accessing the voice of our own super or higher consciousness, and using it to guide any number of CBT or NLP type exercises, in which we intervene in the chains of unhelpful thinking and or intercept the activity of the neural pathways from which both the trauma and trigger have been activated. Learning to parent and regulate ourselves, and our reactions, into chosen responses. Before later, when we're calm enough, learning and implementing techniques to clear that trauma and re-pattern those neural pathways, beliefs, stories, triggers for good. (yes i DO believe that's possible.) Saying it like this is easy. Actually doing it in the moment takes dedicated and repeated practice. Grieving, then Refocusing and Creating Our Empowerment Story I talked about grief just a couple of blogs back, but to do a quick recap. But the intense emotions, like grief and despair and anger, that we can at times feel on the journey of both healing trauma, AND processing any number of the reasons that one may not be able to biologically have kids, absolutely need to be acknowledged, and given healthier expression over repression. With the great compassion and gentleness we might comfort another with who was going through the same thing. But most importantly BY us ourselves, in our own time. That process can't be rushed. When it emerges, it can feel chaotic and sporadic, and then, with more time living with it, more reliably predictable. And in time, it is possible to channel, guide and manage its expression, AND take a range of wellness focused, mindset and state shifting actions to positively alter our biochemistry, our emotional experience and inner reality and have us living life more on our terms again. As i've said prior though, grief, depression, frustration and the perception of victimhood, can be a self perpetuating state if we choose to stay in it, keep going back to bed and disengage in life continuously, or keep biting others heads off because of it. I've always seen it as a town that we don't want to necessarily move to permanently. If and when we need to, we can go there to reminisce and feel and heal when we need to. But then we can also do the work to write a story (and a whole new internal operating system) of self empowerment, to help us move beyond it. Rewriting a story of disempowerment is not nearly as complex as we make it. It starts as simply as hearing ourselves when we tell ourselves something like "i feel powerless and pissed off at what has happened. At what this person said and did/how i wasn't respected/cared for here" and flipping it to "i have the power to choose my next thought and my next move and i reclaim that power now." We can also choose to, at any moment, also start looking for the "glimmer" (apparent new buzz word) love and light filled moments that still exist, for which we can be grateful. We can choose to focus on how we are stronger and wiser because of this. And we can choose to refocus on the future, on what actions are still within our power to take to create it and on what is still possible. While grief is very real, dare i say the tough love thing, that there are still almost 2 billion children on the planet too, that still need care, guardianship and better quality of human centric Leadership and Guidance than we've often managed to give in the century prior. So we have the choice, to sit around in support groups, crying and complaining about what we've lost and why we're victims of life and society. OR we can still choose to heal, step up to the plate and rise to the challenge of BEING the Leaders and Carers that those kids still need? In either case, with time and practice, the amount of time we then spend focused on new states and things, verses engaged in negative states, becomes less and less in the latter and more and more in the former. So dealing with our stuff, over having our stuff deal to and through us, is definitely a thing, when it comes to rebuilding our capacity and emotional availability to connect in future, in healthier ways. And create (or heal) primary networks of support. Vulnerability The next step is then getting okay with being open about the existence of this part of ourselves with others and being willing to allow ourselves to be seen in the vulnerability of it; in the vulnerability of both moments of not having it together, and moments of self managing our way back to being back together. Let alone being willing and able to let someone come near us in the process of our less managed moments. Building Resilience in the Face of Rejection And then there’s the part that requires us to build resilience in the face of being rejected because of our trauma and triggers, by those for whom it really is too much, who are unwilling to do the work to grow with us, or who don’t truly believe we (or anyone) can ever heal or change, without taking it personally. Or rather, without internalising it as a sign that we’re not capable of ever having a healthy relationship again, or as a sign that we really ARE permanently damaged and too much. This bit can often be the hardest, if we really hoped that person would stick around. Or even worse, if and when we went to them for help. We still have to grieve that loss, we still have to process that feeling of having abandoned oneself to a hope that turned out not to be grounded in reality how we once thought it might. But much of the resilience I find, comes from drawing again upon faith in that the universe is both always conspiring in our favour and always moving us in the direction of not always just what we think we want, but also in the direction of what we actually really need in order to realise our highest potential and purpose. As well as can be found in embracing the believe that all people truly are capable of growth and change. Forgiving Ourselves for our Past Mistakes This is the one that has usually landed some pretty heated emails and threats in my personal inbox for MY past sins, yet it continues to be a step we all need in order to be able to heal, re-open to anything or anyone and move forward. A huge part of getting past the fear of being judged and rejected by others for what we haven’t achieved (often projected out at others, rather than owned, for what THEY haven't achieved, or helped us achieve), is making the choice to stop judging OURSELVES for what we haven’t achieved. And taking responsibility for and forgiving ourselves for our own part in all the ways in which we couldn’t show up, or didn’t (so far) achieve our family, or any other life or service related dream. Rather than also looking for someone to blame, out there for why we haven't, or for any of our ongoing internal experience. _____________________________________________________________________________________-_____ MY OWN STORY In my own case, as someone who’d spent over 20 years working on self healing AND trauma informed practice to help and empower others, I both had to let myself off the hook for failing to heal my own trauma and for failing to single handedly resolve both sides of my whole family’s intergenerational trauma enough that i felt comfortable to bring a child into certain parts of that family system, in time for my uterus and body to still be capable of viably carrying a pregnancy more SAFELY, full term. I had to not just acknowledge and incorporate into my own story the ways in which I have successfully been a fill in/surrogate parent, step parent, guardian or carer on multiple occasions into my methodology (as adopting either of the labels "childless" or "childfree" has often also not felt right to me, like a denial of that part of myself, and a metaphorical punch in the face lack of acknowledgement to everyone I’ve ever played a caring or guardianship role for well. To the past unsuccessful pregnancies i've carried. Let alone the fact that I work now in the Performing Arts with kids and teenagers often 3-5 days per week…i don't fit in the parent box, and yet it seems more and more like the boxes of childless and childfree don't fit either?) But (and here's the big one) I also had to forgive myself for all the times I felt i failed at family and at parenting, step parenting and caring, and fell well short of my own personal and professional ideals. For the times that I wasn't honest...and hid what abuses and group and individual assaults I’d been through in younger life (and what i was going through as a result) for fear that it was too much more on top of deaths and cancer and single parenthood for anyone to handle, that gave certain people legitimate reason to later question my "trustability." For the nights that I was running away from the weight of being a 16 year old trying to fill my Mothers shoes (and according to my Father at the time, constantly getting it wrong) and in hindsight, felt like i was doing a shitty job of both being the female head of a household. And felt i was doing a shitty job of "Mothering," at the basically weekly times by years 11-12, that i wasn't there for my little Bro, while i went off to escape and get drunk with friends (yet another thing i lied about.) Or the times i chose not to go to certain family activities (like camping out at moto gps, or what i've come to call the annual collective duck slaughter) because i prioritised my animal welfare beliefs or needs to rest first, or ended up drinking half a bottle of Southern Comfort and crying and vomiting my way to sleep, at the expense of opportunities for connection...and that, realistically, had consequences FOR those relationships, that i was perceived at demanding people come more MY way, than meeting them half way. For the time I lost my temper at my little brother for being a smart ass in regards to my instructions while i was trying to get all the house, school related and life things done...and ended up losing my sh@# and throwing things in his general direction (as he so aptly described publicly at his wedding!), instead of offering a healthier response and a healthier boundary. For the countless times in my 20’s and early 30’s where I fell apart and together again, trying to heal and make sense of all the damage I never had the time or the tools to heal when I was a child-teenager, trying to navigate all that AND a dozen other group and individual physical and sexual assaults that also happened between then and the time I started getting a lot of unwanted attention while studying and first pursuing acting. And people like my Brother had to deal with my tears, or felt obligated to offer support in the wake of dealing with some of my past relationships that also turned abusive. For the times i felt too exhausted, too overwhelmed, too hypersensitive to come out of my room, or put down my phone. For the times i'd publicly disclosed things like this that i felt comfortable to share in the spirit of healing and teaching, but others held as private and me having compromised their trust, by not properly consulting with them for permission where i should've. For the times i worked on career and wasn't there. All of which, that decades on, became terminal points of tension and resentment aimed back in my direction, in the breakdown of all of these relationships. For the times i surrendered, or ran, instead of fighting harder. Or bought into my own false beliefs and played them out. For being human, for not living up to my own ideals, for only being able to do the best that I knew how to do at the time, and it turns out that for others, that it wasn’t enough and I couldn’t be what they needed, when they needed either. No matter what opinions anyone may have about who was right and who was wrong, and about me as a person, I had to acknowledge and forgive myself for my part in all such things, in order to be able to re-engage in relational life again. _________________ *end sharing of my story _____________________________________________________________ Where the heat will be and what it will be in relation to, will be unique for any given person dealing with trauma and the reasons for their not having kids/kids of their own. But for all the ways that we perpetrated, as well as were perpetrated against, we have to also make peace with and forgive ourseves for it all, so that it stops having so much heat and weight attached, every time anyone else in future, ever gets anywhere near to seeing, or you revealing any part of your inner reality. Let alone so that you can feel worthy and deserving of love and any form of close family support structure again, because of ay of it. While some others out there may never be able to forgive or accept all of you, the reality is that some other people out there will still be entirely capable of loving you anyway. They will still see the beauty and best in you, despite whatever you’re afraid that they will see. But you’ve got to remember how to love you (and how to be your own saviour, healer, teacher, guide, guru) so that you can let it all in from the outside to receive from others again too. Over pushing them away over what you fear will happen by default, if they meet the 'real' you. Trust in and Expect a Better Future And finally, we’ve got to stop reacting to everyone, as though they are ghost of the past who will still reject us as we once rejected ourselves and some other somewhere rejected us prior. And start getting focused instead again, on what our vision now looks like of an ideal support community. Of ideal work relationships and friendships. Of what the ideal romantic or intimate partnership looks like. And what a family network and support structure looks like to us now.
WE HAVE TO START ACTING AS THOUGH WE EXPECT TO BE MET BY THAT REALITY AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO GET TO US, EVERYWHERE WE GO, THROUGH EVERYONE WE ARE ABOUT TO MEET. To treat, meet and greet everyone going forward again as though they could be the next significant part of that, as though they might well be the next BFF, or life long business partner, and with the basic human right of unconditional love and positive regard, until such time as they give us any substantial reason to believe that they’re not aligned with that. So that every message, every meeting, every conversation, we show up to going forward, is had with the level of love, respect and unconditionality that the 'right' relationship deserves, regardless of however it actually turns out. If there is to be an ending, letting it be with that equal level of love. Allowing oneself to expect the best, over constantly planning for and falling into the trap of preemptively treating innocent strangers, as though they are already guilty before proven innocent, of likely being the worst. Another way to put that, as i write about in my upcoming book, would also be the practicing of navigating work, relationship and life, with the guidance of our higher, intuitive intelligence, using the eyes, the ears, the voices, the senses of our heart and soul. Not just based on this lifetimes worth of learnings, and the ancestral and collective programs we've inherited, that may or may not be serving anyone involved. With the end result being much greater ease and confidence in navigating life and relationships of all kinds, better quality relationships, greater relational longevity and better relational outcomes all around in personal and professional relationships of all kinds. I may NOT be the Mentor right now who can speak to how you get your family of origin through all this (and navigate the legalities, threats of defamation and all the intense feelings on all sides, back to unconditional love, resolution and connection). I may NOT be the Mentor who can speak to how you create a successful romantic relationship again or be successfully a step parent or adaptive guardian again beyond all of this. I’m hardly right now the Mentor on how to get your finances back in order, beyond the falling apart of your old white picket fence success material reality. (But have faith in that i will get there again in time.) But as someone who’s just trying to do her best to live back into a career and life I love and winning, and lead by example in doing my best at leading by example in living what I preach about relating, communication, leadership and connection, if I have anything to offer the others in the same boat as me this World Childless Week on how to heal the deeper stuff that is standing in the way of us feeling safe to engage in relationship to a deeper level in not just life and career, but love of all kinds again, beyond the affects of intergenerational trauma, that would be it so far. For what it’s worth. Thanks for reading. Until next time... Nat Ferrier xxP.S. I'm looking for an experienced second Facilitator, ideally with a Trauma Informed Therapeutic background and lived experience of the above mentioned subject matter, to assist with the running of my virtual and live social and support group for mid 30's to middle aged people without kids. Might that be you, or someone you know? Feel free to get in touch to find out more...
Can we cancel the notion that losing our S#*% at another is evidence of empowered behaviour?8/24/2023 We live in VERY stressful, climate & financially challenged post lockdown times. Times in which our sense of personal power, has at times been deeply challenged and tested. Working in front facing settings, unfortunately, it has never been so apparent to those on the front lines, with how frequently people now feel entitled to give unsolicited opinions on how front facing staff should be doing their job, and or with how often people swear at, verbally abuse, negatively gesture at and even swipe or spit at front facing staff, when the customer is asked to do something, or hears something that they didn’t want to, that many people en masse are seemingly struggling with 2 things: 1) a sense of how do I “flex my power muscles” with people in society again in a healthy way. If we detach from the subjective weight of such moments (& the distress that can come from them, and or allow for a touch of metaphorical humour for a moment) I fear that from above, we often look like a bunch of baby goats, playing in the business of life one moment, then suddenly turning to look someone in the eyes, and lining up their head to start “butting things”; mainly other goats. “Flexing” our verbal assertiveness muscles, trying to prove to ourselves that we can? It’s almost comical…until you’re, unfortunately the service person, friend, family member, partner, parent or random stranger on the road or street, that they try and test their verbal head butting skillz on. In Hollywood, we’ve sometimes seen this represented as the person who got burned, standing up to issue an often public burn back, to a soundtrack of the likes of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, followed by a triumphant power walk, combined with a high 5, off stage/screen left. Accompanied by a “YEA-AHH! You showed THEM! 🙌🏻” Other times, I think it’s a measure of us not coping and defaulting more than ever, to a coping strategy of using others for the cathartic relief and release of our distress. While there is a tonne of knowledge out there at our free internet fingertips now on things like stress management, emotional self regulation and effective communication, negotiation and conflict resolution strategies, the fact that they’re not being implemented always right now to reach for a more constructive response, tends to lead me to think one of two main things is going on; either we’re not making the conscious connection as to when to actually use them, IRL. Or, we’re choosing not to? And defaulting at times, back to using the ‘easy’ route, of using the person in front of us as a cathartic target for the release of our emotional discontent. And just expecting them to be ok with it. As opposed to appealing to them positively, as an agent in a mutual negotiation and process of resolution, towards a particular goal, or outcome. Dare I say it that choosing to do this to a service professional (who’s often feeling bound by company policy and HR law) is like lining up to challenge someone who’s hands have been tied behind their back. Instead of lining up with a willing sparring partner, and “fighting fair.” Sadly, I suspect that much of the time when we might think we’re being empowered and standing up for our rights, verbally losing our sh*t at someone, in fact, we actually come off to others looking like tantrummimg toddlers within grown adults. Minus the capacity to self regulate our own emotions, or speak to what we actually need? Which feels far scarier to be on the receiving end of from a grown adult, who may or may not be bigger, taller, heavier and or coming at you in a confined space, than an actual toddler? For Women, dare I say it out loud, owning the proverbial wild woman archetype as one vehicle for tapping our repressed/disempowered rage, and pairing her up with the exploration of the inner warrior/ess, can be powerful for helping us tap, heal and self manage the causes of our own thoughts, past wounds, collective and individual patterns and emotions, in the private time that we dedicate to our own therapy. And as a last line of defence resort in the instance of being physically attacked on the street, can be unbelievably effective in shocking the hell out of and deterring some perp, who was counting on us being too meak and weak, to turn, look them in the eyes and come at them screaming with a deep, guttural angst, and self defence moves, that made impossible a stealthy attack. But the trouble becomes, when losing our sh%# or going warrior, starts to be used as standard as a first like response, instead of a last resort line of defence, in relational settings. In the respect of creating a mutually beneficial outcome through communication and engaging in a way that fosters longevity, “unleashing the fury” actually often proves to be about as useful as a screen door in a submarine when it comes to successfully resolving an issue and getting to the bottom of what both parties really need, beyond all the angst, collective and intergenerational trauma, and trigger that inevitably eventuates, when one or both parties come at each other like this is war. Why? Because It’s one thing to ask the other to listen as we describe that “I felt hurt/let down when this happens/happened,” or “I really appreciate it when you do this for me when I feel….or when this happens”, with a residual residue of that feeling present within is, in the space. But the second we cross the line into asking or just expecting without consent, the other to hold space, while we verbally or physically abuse them and use them as a cathartic punching bag for release of the energy of all the ways in which we’re triggered, I believe we’ve actually crossed the line into the territory of abuse. Which triggers a whole bunch of defensive responses. And often leads the conversation down a whole other path thsn where it needs to go. One of our greatest growth challenges in these stressful times, is learning to recognise the difference between the two…and respond, rather than react accordingly, in situations involving other humans. This is a part of taking self responsibly for regulating our own state and being 50% accountable for doing our part in creating a psychologically safe relational space for us and any given other to share. It’s not ‘nice girl/nice boy people pleasing’ or ‘bowing to the patriarchy’ to learn how to manage our emotions in a healthy way, so that we can relate in a healthy way. It’s a necessary communication and life skill. And if we’re ever going to come even remotely close to succeeding in creating our shared vision of an empowered society without abuse and violence, where we use our personal power, and voices for the greater good, it’s kind of a given that we all need to master this. Period. It’s not just a problem for ‘that one person OUT THERE who had the problem,’ to own THEIR sh#%. It’s all of our jobs to become aware of and take responsibility for how and when we’re all at times playing into these patterns. To learn how to weild our personal power muscles for the greater good . And to learn how to create our own sense of inner safety and manage our own shit long enough, that we can reach deeper, to the heart of what we both really need in any given relational situation. Make sense? Until next time... Nat |
WriterActress, Artist, Singer, Coach, Facilitator, Speaker, Writer Nat Ferrier talks about self expression, Women’s Leadership Mindset & communicating with greater confidence, presence & psychological safety. Archives
March 2024
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