How do we ascertain the difference between assertiveness and abusiveness in personal and professional contexts? And embody the former with kindness, over falling into playing in, or playing out the latter?


If there was a T Shirt that pretty well summed up the theme of my last week and a bit, on multiple fronts, this would be it. As a Manager amongst Managers, I seem to have earned myself a reputation of being surprisingly Zen under often stressful, chaotic, highly changeable event circumstances. But I have my moments.


Moments where, in the debriefing myself on the way home, in the giving myself both a pat on the back for where I stepped up and or the asking myself how I could’ve done better, I’ll realise that, for example,  I could have moved more like an ambo in certain moments (slow, deliberate, calm inspiring stroll, despite urgency of immediate circumstance). Or there are moments where adults behaving more like their children than their children in their tones and tantrems certainly test the limits of my patience. And despite my strict insistence with myself, in a spiritual, multidimensional universe, in which I KNOW the vibration of love (and a few prayers for assistance to respective spirit guides for assistance) will quickly remedy 999 999 out of 1 million escalating circumstances, there are moments where urgency and haste also have to take property in moments.


Moments where my tone inevitably becomes more present, firmer, more direct, louder and inevitably, when people insist on continuing to not listen, object to every instruction, snap back at me and or generally just do whatever the hell they want regardless of the impact, my tone and manner will escalate into a “don’t be mistaking my kindness, for weakness, b@#$% I will literally END YOU with consequence if you don’t comply within the next 15 seconds.” I never feel particularly proud of those moments, so much as I feel like I’ve failed at being an enlightened soul, but succeeded admirably in playing in the mud of being ‘human.’


And yet, sometimes, this is the only earthly language that some people (not all people) seem to consciously or unconsciously understand, respond to and respect. If you give an inch on taking too much responsibility for their actions, they’ll take a country mile on doing and saying literally anything, or lying about literally anything, to avoid accepting any form of personal or professional accountability for the impact of their actions. And they don’t want to hear any other version of the truth that calls them to a version of reality that is not 100% their way, to their liking, on their terms. And they’ll create a story that ultimately justifies your wrongness, and their entitlement to behave and treat you in this way.


For these folk, sometimes kindness, IS, it turns out, a show of strength. Of assertiveness. They learn little about life, about personal and professional relationship, about being human if you just give them their way, let them walk all over you and let them wreak destruction and disrespect all over others in the vicinity. You might be rid of them, or get rid of them in 5 minutes from now. BUT, then they become someone else’s pain in butt. Or your pain in the butt again a few days, weeks, months further down the line from now.


Sometimes kindness is saying it like it is, assertively.


For example, “I hear you, but (as the Leader in this scenario) I need you to do this/move to this location right now.” Sometimes kindness is kindly but firmly repeating your instruction in a slightly different way, for the 3rd time, still with equal calm presence and insistence. Sometimes kindness with strength is listening to and incorporating one missing piece of information, and then doubling down again on the original instruction. Sometimes it’s confidently telling someone that you believe they’re incorrect in the conclusion that they’ve drawn. That it’s not ok for them to do (X) when it has this consequence for you/this person/people.  That they will get a better outcome anyway if they do this (rather than what they just did). That they need to (please) stop talking and start listening. That they need to back off right now (and respect a boundary.) That they’re behaving in an abusive or disrespectful manner by doing (X). That if they refuse to listen, to compromise, to take responsibility for their share, then do I have to ask a Parent/Teacher/Security/the Police ( or the case of my last week, NCAT) to mediate instead. Or will they meet me half way and do as requested.


Assertiveness and Abusiveness, though, are not the same thing. In trying to differentiate the line between one and the other, to discern how I should show up, I think the ultimate differentiating factor, is intent.


In assertiveness, our motivation is ultimately love; it’s to bring things back into alignment with love, equality, accountability, honesty, patience, compassion, mutuality, respect, when some aspect of the experience has fallen out of it.


The motivation behind abuse on the other hand, is usually to do and cause harm on purpose; to punish, to withdraw privilege/s, resources or love, to wound the other party, under some form of internal justification that this is warranted. Or to one-up them, or show dominance in an “oh, so you underestimated my tiny stature and mistook my kindness for weakness did you, well how do you like that for a consequence, b#$%@!” kind of way. In other words, rather than the desired outcome, somehow that just became about my ego, and a flex of dominance, rather than educating the other about the problem, or working towards a mutually beneficial outcome by addressing the ultimate question; “what is really needed here instead?” Make sense?


Someone’s tone can become more insistent, more direct, louder, in a situation requiring urgent “don’t think, just do” type management and action, where the intent is to get them to safety, and you need to quickly get their attention. Or when they appear not to have heard you 4 times in a row and the need for them to follow instruction is extremely timely, while still holding loving, respectful intent.. But it doesn’t mean you’re being abusive.


I find that while meeting and matching aggression and disrespect, with aggressive tonality and dominant body language and energy proportionate to one’s position of authority, or directly proportional to the challenge being presented is definitely still sometimes the only language and collective behavioural construct that some people will seem to respond to, to me, dropping down into this level of consciousness, remains the last resort.



As someone who grew up having experienced being both individually and group assaulted at multiple times in the past when I majorly stood my ground, and thus spent a lot of time and money later on in adult life learning every self defence move and as many psychological and spiritual warfare tactics as I could get my hands on, to learn how to regain the upper hand if such a thing ever happened again, busting out the BJJ moves and drawing upon all the psychological, energetic, spiritual warfare tactics I could use to regain the upper hand, remains something I will only do when safety and lives are in danger, or physical assault is immediate and incoming.


When I make an assessment that the other party is purposely disrespecting whatever I say and choosing to deliberately do whatever suits them to do anyway, often while maintaining lack of eye contact (or face to face communication) and physically maintaining lack of rapport, ignoring you with a subtle smug smile on your face, the challenge is NOT to ascend in my aggressiveness of volume, or tone and yell at them for behaving (according to collective consensus) like an asshole to everyone else in the vicinity AND me. Intro closing off my heart in self defence and treating them equally like crap as punishment for their perceived act of disrespect.


The challenge is to reach for the higher part of myself, the unconditionally loving part, say a little prayer for interdimensional support, channel and embody that energy and then operate from that instead. To remember that this is a spiritual being, within a human in front of me and to appeal to that higher part of them to come forward and interact instead. With loving conviction and strength, trusting in the other to also BE a vessel for the best version of themselves and whatever that looks and feels like, allowed the opportunity.  Because experience has shown over the recent decades instead, that the majority of the time, given the time to be enacted, it actually works far more effectively. And gets far better outcomes, faster. But more than that, it leaves a lasting positive imprint. They may not understand exactly what just happened in the short term, but they won’t quickly forget the experience either.


Until next time...
​

Something that I’ve been talking about more than anything else in recent weeks, and this week, in what happens to be World Childless Week: intergenerational trauma…and what a factor this is in the lives and decision making processes of so many mid 30 to middle aged people now, who aren’t at this point, Biological Parents themselves, for any number of reasons.   


Given that domestic violence and sexual assault rates in this country are so high (according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics’ (ABS) 2021-22 Personal Safety Survey (PSS), an estimated 41%, or 8 million Australians having experienced physical and/or sexual violence since the age of 15, including 31% of women and 42% of men who have experienced physical violence, 22% of women and 6.1% of men having experienced sexual violence) I think we’re severely underestimating the link between the 2 circumstances of the prevalence of abuse in our society, and the number of people of all genders, who as elder Millennials and Gen Xers alone, let alone any age, have come to be without biological children by this age.  They don’t always talk about it, but when you inquire deeper, it’s often a significant factor in why they’ve not had kids of their own.  (While i personally believe that all of these things i'm about to mention can be worked through and overcome, and we'll come back to that later, what i'm about to share, is a measure of how many FEEL. That they need support to be guided through, and empowered beyond individually. And that we need to be mindful of how to support also collectively. )


It’s often named as a part of the reason that many are single. And in many cases, part of the reason they’re estranged from significant parts of their family of origin, is often as a result of having spoken up about things that were going on in the family unit that constituted various forms of abuse.  In many cases, when they do, what happens is not necessarily that the family works to resolve the situation of abuse. So much as the person who called it out, and or may have been on the receiving end of it, often gets scapegoated, gaslit, blamed, shamed and isolated from the system as the source of of the problem. If not that, they’re operating on the fringes of the system, diplomatically, but have essentially closed themselves off from engaging deeply and meaningfully with the system, or being further hurt by the system, engaging only where essential. But often times, many report feeling like, for the failure of the situation to be sufficiently acknowledged and dealt with, for their own wellbeing, AND for that of any future children that they might have, or partners children that they might want to safely bring into the family unit, like they have no choice but to distance themselves from the dysfunctional parts of the family unit. Others have just flat out drawn a line in the sand, that because of this history, they're just not having kids at all; they refuse to co-participate in the potential paying forward of yet more unowned suffering. Hence why I say there is absolutely an undeniable link between the continuing prevalence of familial forms of abuse in this country, and one’s status as a person with or without children. And it definitely is impacting how they go on, or don't, to engaging kids in their life, or creating and co-participating in 'tribe' in other ways.


The unfortunate flow on of unresolved trauma for the ones who had wanted to have kids, then means that, when it comes to them actually planning for having children (as biological parents, or in other ways) , in a world where it takes a community to raise a thriving child, they’re then facing the prospect of having to do so MINUS a reliable family of origin support structure. And if they do try and bring in some other form of support community, given the loss of the family of origin, trusting in the reliability of that new community group not to be just as transient and flawed as what came before, is a very real trust barrier to be overcome. And the fear that one will wind up being the anonymous single Mother posting in a Sydney social media community group, stating that she’s a Mother of a newborn, who can’t afford to not go back to work, but can’t afford child care or housing on Government benefits, for her on the Grandmother who wants to be a carer, seem more and more a frighteningly real possibility. Especially in this financial climate.


(As I myself once said to 2 respective older Men who offered to impregnate me in a gap between major relationships in my early 30’s and then continue on their merry way, leaving me to repeat an intergenerational pattern of single parenthood, and “the community to raise the baby:” as a kid who already grew up in a single Father family, and watched the constant transient comings and goings of the very “communities” they were speaking of, rearranging about as often as the average person changes their underwear, my response to becoming asked to trust in those systems? “Uh, thanks for the offer, but yeah naaaah.”


In addition to commitments to career taking longer and, in this financial climate, it taking many infinitely longer to achieve the white picket fence set of parameters that would ideally like to have nailed before resuming dating or starting a family (many doubt now, working 6 day weeks, and having almost hit the glass financial ceiling of ascension and pay in their chosen occupation, that they’ll ever even achieve it at all now). So many feel like they’re falling short of achieving the life goals they needed to before they feel ready and enough to continue dating and or trying to start, or merge with a family. So that is also a co-factor for many in why many are still single. Many want to have their s$#t squarely together, before putting themselves back in a position of being potentially judged and found inadequate by prospective parties, and rejected for not having our sh@# squarely together enough. 


In Sydney, where the culture is so incredibly material status, success and achievement driven and oriented, that’s a very real possibility. Many Men now too, as much as Women, expect their future partner to be earning a certain amount and at certain mile markers of achievement that match with their own as a part of their standard dating non negotiable checklist. And if child rearing is still their priority, then they’re likely looking for a Woman ideally with a well established family and friend support system.


The longer many of us DON’T also have kids, the more estranged over time many often begin to feel from friends and family who went on TO have kids. No matter how hard either party tries to maintain the connection, it’s just the reality of what happens at times when Parents become Parents; the kids have got to come first now, over your own personal struggles or trying to have kids struggles, and many Parents want to be around other people who have Parenting experience to help them navigate the enormous challenges that they’re going through and have connection and support from people who also “get what it's like.” Either you find a way to adapt to the new reality, become the cool Aunt or Uncle and find ways to relate over the new common ground, you have kids too, you get honest about what's really going on for you about not having kids and why, and allow for connection to happen in new ways around that, or where you've done everything you can and you still just don't seem to fit, and/or dynamics are still ongoingly "toxic" without resolution, you find yourself letting go and accepting that you need to now build your own primary support structure, elsewhere. Unfortunately though, too often, too many are seemingly still not winning at creating that ideal balance in continued family connection. Or I wouldn't have found myself running a support group this last few years that has needed to serve a purpose of helping many Women heal and adapt after experiencing that kind of disconnection from the primary family and friend unit/s?


But both that progressive loss of family of origin, progressive distancing of old friends and the seeming evaporation of the kinds of people who used to be interested in you in your years of 20-30 something dating, can start to make for a lot of anxiety related to forming friendships, romantic attachments and bonds with community or friend groups in future. Once one has had the illusion of the family unit that “family ties are forever and unbreakable” shattered first hand, and experienced first hand the very primal, core survival linked panic-level anxiety and grief that results from the loss of either a Parent or sibling, let alone the loss of both Parents, and or ones entire family of origin (let alone compounded by the potential experience of the loss of a past pregnancy or 3 from relationships past as well) the level of panic that one can start to feel at the prospect of both leaning into commitment, or having a commitment withdrawn from you, can be pretty freaking intense. Add to that, the fear that you’re going to be potentially rejected when one finds out about your history (or sees what a hot, hyperventilating, crying anxious mess you can be in moments of trying to manage your now anxious/avoidant attachment associated anxiety attacks) and deems you “too much, too unhealed, too codependent, too needy.”


While there may be some truth to the notion that it is A LOT to ask of any given human, to hold the weight, or to offer an equivalent level of support to you that would once upon a time, ideally have come from an entire family/community system, and i believe we DO need to find other ways to both Parent ourselves, become our own gurus or rescuers AND access compatible support in health ways, it still remains that this kind of anxiety, is a hell of a weight for any given one of us recovering from intergenerational abuse and trauma, to be trying to cope with, carry, and overcome on our/their own. But many won’t go anywhere near either, any number of community, spiritual or religious support systems that they see to be dramatically out of touch with modern day beliefs, values and life circumstances, corrupted in their leadership or power structures, or pushing a Pronatally biased developmental agenda that has no answer for what they’re supposed to do with their lives if for any reason, they're estranged from their family because of intergenerational trauma and or if they can’t be a biological parent for whatever reason that largely seems beyond their control. But the majority are also too functional to qualify for much ongoing support from within the mental health or NFP community support service system. And if your’e anything like me, you’ll be avoiding with your life getting labelled, pathologised and medicated up to the eyeballs within that system as a part of the solution anyway. So where do they access support, when the support available, is, i'm sorry, often seemingly missing the mark on meeting them where they're at?


As many in my support groups of recent years have said, role models and Trauma informed Therapists who actually have direct lived experience of how to navigate and thrive beyond this, still feel few and far between to them. They exist. But finding them can be a challenge.


A collective roadmap as to how to successfully heal and resolve family intergenerational abuse and trauma, that incorporates and accounts for the 1 in 6 of the global population for whom conceiving children biologically might never be a part of their reality, let alone the level of collective support and engagement required to achieve it, is clearly still lacking in our society, or we wouldn't continue to have a problem of this magnitude? But where such roadmaps DO exist, all parties need to be willing to not just acknowledge the problem, but be willing to co-participate in it’s resolution, healing and transformation. And the sad reality is that examples where all parties aren't willing or capable of doing the necessary work, could still number as high as 1/3rd of the Australian Population, given the percentage who still refuse to acknowledge that issues impacting gender equality exist, or the 1/5 who believe that abuse reports are either exaggerated or don't even exist. It’s often easier in the end for multiple parties to play the denial card, the threaten defamation if you talk about it card, or for one or both parties, to run and or remain silent. So there are A LOT of people out there, trying to heal from their trauma, on their own. Yet so many in the younger generations now adamantly don’t want to pass the unowned trauma on and continue the cycle. But for Women at least, the time window you have in which to get all your trauma sorted out BEFORE you have kids, is more biologically time limited.  So working on healing at the individual level, continues to feel like the most viable and achievable place to begin, and cultivate what ripples of change one can, while we develop collective models of healing and change.
 

Healing, Reestablishing Safety and Reconnecting at the Individual Level

Neuro-regulation & State Management
A huge part of the first step is learning how to hold yourself through your moments of trauma trigger. Part of that is simple neuroregulation; breath work practices, combined with simple methods of refocusing your attention and energy, combined with accessing the voice of our own super or higher consciousness, and using it to guide any number of CBT or NLP type exercises, in which we intervene in the chains of unhelpful thinking and or intercept the activity of the neural pathways from which both the trauma and trigger have been activated. Learning to parent and regulate ourselves, and our reactions, into chosen responses. Before later, when we're calm enough, learning and implementing techniques to clear that trauma and re-pattern those neural pathways, beliefs, stories, triggers for good. (yes i DO believe that's possible.) Saying it like this is easy. Actually doing it in the moment takes dedicated and repeated practice.


Grieving, then Refocusing and Creating Our Empowerment Story
I talked about grief just a couple of blogs back, but to do a quick recap. But the intense emotions, like grief and despair and anger, that we can at times feel on the journey of both healing trauma, AND processing any number of the reasons that one may not be able to biologically have kids, absolutely need to be acknowledged, and given healthier expression over repression. With the great compassion and gentleness we might comfort another with who was going through the same thing. But most importantly BY us ourselves, in our own time.
That process can't be rushed. When it emerges, it can feel chaotic and sporadic, and then, with more time living with it, more reliably predictable. And in time, it is possible to channel, guide and manage its expression, AND take a range of wellness focused, mindset and state shifting actions to positively alter our biochemistry, our emotional experience and inner reality and have us living life more on our terms again. 

As i've said prior though, grief, depression, frustration and the perception of victimhood, can be a self perpetuating state if we choose to stay in it, keep going back to bed and disengage in life continuously, or keep biting others heads off because of it. I've always seen it as a town that we don't want to necessarily move to permanently. If and when we need to, we can go there to reminisce and feel and heal when we need to.


But then we can also do the work to write a story (and a whole new internal operating system) of self empowerment, to help us move beyond it. Rewriting a story of disempowerment is not nearly as complex as we make it. It starts as simply as hearing ourselves when we tell ourselves something like "i feel powerless and pissed off at what has happened. At what this person said and did/how i wasn't respected/cared for here" and flipping it to "i have the power to choose my next thought and my next move and i reclaim that power now." We can also choose to, at any moment, also start looking for the "glimmer" (apparent new buzz word) love and light filled moments that still exist, for which we can be grateful. We can choose to focus on how we are stronger and wiser because of this. And we can choose to refocus on the future, on what actions are still within our power to take to create it and on what is still possible.


While grief is very real, dare i say the tough love thing, that there are still almost 2 billion children on the planet too, that still need care, guardianship and better quality of human centric Leadership and Guidance than we've often managed to give in the century prior. So we have the choice, to sit around in support groups, crying and complaining about what we've lost and why we're victims of life and society. OR we can still choose to heal, step up to the plate and rise to the challenge of BEING the Leaders and Carers that those kids still need?


In either case, with time and practice, the amount of time we then spend focused on new states and things, verses engaged in negative states, becomes less and less in the latter and more and more in the former.  So dealing with our stuff, over having our stuff deal to and through us, is definitely a thing, when it comes to rebuilding our capacity and emotional availability to connect in future, in healthier ways. And create (or heal) primary networks of support.


Vulnerability
The next step is then getting okay with being open about the existence of this part of ourselves with others and being willing to allow ourselves to be seen in the vulnerability of it; in the vulnerability of both moments of not having it together, and moments of self managing our way back to being back together. Let alone being willing and able to let someone come near us in the process of our less managed moments.


Building Resilience in the Face of Rejection
And then there’s the part that requires us to build resilience in the face of being rejected because of our trauma and triggers, by those for whom it really is too much, who are unwilling to do the work to grow with us, or who don’t truly believe we (or anyone) can ever heal or change, without taking it personally. Or rather, without internalising it as a sign that we’re not capable of ever having a healthy relationship again, or as a sign that we really ARE permanently damaged and too much. This bit can often be the hardest, if we really hoped that person would stick around. Or even worse, if and when we went to them for help. We still have to grieve that loss, we still have to process that feeling of having abandoned oneself to a hope that turned out not to be grounded in reality how we once thought it might. But much of the resilience I find, comes from drawing again upon faith in that the universe is both always conspiring in our favour and always moving us in the direction of not always just what we think we want, but also in the direction of what we actually really need in order to realise our highest potential and purpose.  As well as can be found in embracing the believe that all people truly are capable of growth and change.


Forgiving Ourselves for our Past Mistakes
This is the one that has usually landed some pretty heated emails and threats in my personal inbox for MY past sins, yet it continues to be a step we all need in order to be able to heal, re-open to anything or anyone and move forward. A huge part of getting past the fear of being judged and rejected by others for what we haven’t achieved (often projected out at others, rather than owned, for what THEY haven't achieved, or helped us achieve), is making the choice to stop judging OURSELVES for what we haven’t achieved. And taking responsibility for and forgiving ourselves for our own part in all the ways in which we couldn’t show up, or didn’t (so far) achieve our family, or any other life or service related dream. Rather than also looking for someone to blame, out there for why we haven't, or for any of our ongoing internal experience.


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MY OWN STORY

In my own case, as someone who’d spent over 20 years working on self healing AND trauma informed practice to help and empower others, I both had to let myself off the hook for failing to heal my own trauma and for failing to single handedly resolve both sides of my whole family’s intergenerational trauma enough that i felt comfortable to bring a child into certain parts of that family system, in time for my uterus and body to still be capable of viably carrying a pregnancy more SAFELY, full term.


I had to not just acknowledge and incorporate into my own story the ways in which I have successfully been a fill in/surrogate parent, step parent, guardian or carer on multiple occasions into my methodology (as adopting either of the labels "childless" or "childfree" has often also not felt right to me, like a denial of that part of myself, and a metaphorical punch in the face lack of acknowledgement to everyone I’ve ever played a caring or guardianship role for well. To the past unsuccessful pregnancies i've carried.  Let alone the fact that I work now in the Performing Arts with kids and teenagers often 3-5 days per week…i don't fit in the parent box, and yet it seems more and more like the boxes of childless and childfree don't fit either?) But (and here's the big one) I also had to forgive myself for all the times I felt i failed at family and at parenting, step parenting and caring, and fell well short of my own personal and professional ideals.


For the times that I wasn't honest...and hid what abuses and group and individual assaults I’d been through in younger life (and what i was going through as a result) for fear that it was too much more on top of deaths and cancer and single parenthood for anyone to handle, that gave certain people legitimate reason to later question my "trustability." For the nights that I was running away from the weight of being a 16 year old trying to fill my Mothers shoes (and according to my Father at the time, constantly getting it wrong) and in hindsight, felt like i was doing a shitty job of both being the female head of a household. And felt i was doing a shitty job of "Mothering," at the basically weekly times by years 11-12, that i wasn't there for my little Bro, while i went off to escape and get drunk with friends (yet another thing i lied about.) Or the times i chose not to go to certain family activities (like camping out at moto gps, or what i've come to call the annual collective duck slaughter) because i prioritised my animal welfare beliefs or needs to rest first, or ended up drinking half a bottle of Southern Comfort and crying and vomiting my way to sleep, at the expense of opportunities for connection...and that, realistically, had consequences FOR those relationships, that i was perceived at demanding people come more MY way, than meeting them half way. For the time I lost my temper at my little brother for being a smart ass in regards to my instructions while i was trying to get all the house, school related and life things done...and ended up losing my sh@# and throwing things in his general direction (as he so aptly described publicly at his wedding!), instead of offering a healthier response and a healthier boundary.


For the countless times in my 20’s and early 30’s where I fell apart and together again, trying to heal and make sense of all the damage I never had the time or the tools to heal when I was a child-teenager, trying to navigate all that AND a dozen other group and individual physical and sexual assaults that also happened between then and the time I started getting a lot of unwanted attention while studying and first pursuing acting. And people like my Brother had to deal with my tears, or felt obligated to offer support in the wake of dealing with some of my past relationships that also turned abusive. For the times i felt too exhausted, too overwhelmed, too hypersensitive to come out of my room, or put down my phone. For the times i'd publicly disclosed things like this that i felt comfortable to share in the spirit of healing and teaching, but others held as private and me having compromised their trust, by not properly consulting with them for permission where i should've. For the times i worked on career and wasn't there. All of which, that decades on, became terminal points of tension and resentment aimed back in my direction, in the breakdown of all of these relationships.  For the times i surrendered, or ran, instead of fighting harder. Or bought into my own false beliefs and played them out. For being human, for not living up to my own ideals, for only being able to do the best that I knew how to do at the time, and it turns out that for others, that it wasn’t enough and I couldn’t be what they needed, when they needed either.  No matter what opinions anyone may have about who was right and who was wrong, and about me as a person, I had to acknowledge and forgive myself for my part in all such things, in order to be able to re-engage in relational life again. 


_________________ *end sharing of my story _____________________________________________________________



Where the heat will be and what it will be in relation to, will be unique for any given person dealing with trauma and the reasons for their not having kids/kids of their own. But for all the ways that we perpetrated, as well as were perpetrated against, we have to also make peace with and forgive ourseves for it all, so that it stops having so much heat and weight attached, every time anyone else in future, ever gets anywhere near to seeing, or you revealing any part of your inner reality.  Let alone so that you can feel worthy and deserving of love and any form of close family support structure again, because of ay of it.


While some others out there may never be able to forgive or accept all of you, the reality is that some other people out there will still be entirely capable of loving you anyway. They will still see the beauty and best in you, despite whatever you’re afraid that they will see. But you’ve got to remember how to love you (and how to be your own saviour, healer, teacher, guide, guru) so that you can let it all in from the outside to receive from others again too. Over pushing them away over what you fear will happen by default, if they meet the 'real' you. 



Trust in and Expect a Better Future
And finally, we’ve got to stop reacting to everyone, as though they are ghost of the past who will still reject us as we once rejected ourselves and some other somewhere rejected us prior. And start getting focused instead again, on what our vision now looks like of an ideal support community. Of ideal work relationships and friendships. Of what the ideal romantic or intimate partnership looks like. And what a family network and support structure looks like to us now.

• What does that look like?
• How do the people within it interact with each other? 
• What activities are they doing together?
• How do they care for, support and show up for each other?
• What are the values of this space? And what are the no go’s?
• How do they need to show up in this space?
• As themselves, yes. But where too might we ourselves also need to stretch and grow, in order to be what this space and the people in it also need from us?

WE HAVE TO START ACTING AS THOUGH WE EXPECT TO BE MET BY THAT REALITY AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO GET TO US, EVERYWHERE WE GO, THROUGH EVERYONE WE ARE ABOUT TO MEET.


To treat, meet and greet everyone going forward again as though they could be the next significant part of that, as though they might well be the next BFF, or life long business partner, and with the basic human right of unconditional love and positive regard, until such time as they give us any substantial reason to believe that they’re not aligned with that. So that every message, every meeting, every conversation, we show up to going forward, is had with the level of love, respect and unconditionality that the 'right' relationship deserves, regardless of however it actually turns out.  If there is to be an ending, letting it be with that equal level of love. Allowing oneself to expect the best, over constantly planning for and falling into the trap of preemptively treating innocent strangers, as though they are already guilty before proven innocent, of likely being the worst.

Another way to put that, as i write about in my upcoming book, would also be the practicing of navigating work, relationship and life, with the guidance of our higher, intuitive intelligence, using the eyes, the ears, the voices, the senses of our heart and soul. Not just based on this lifetimes worth of learnings, and the ancestral and collective programs we've inherited, that may or may not be serving anyone involved. With the end result being much greater ease and confidence in navigating life and relationships of all kinds, better quality relationships, greater relational longevity and better relational outcomes all around in personal and professional relationships of all kinds.


I may NOT be the Mentor right now who can speak to how you get your family of origin through all this (and navigate the legalities, threats of defamation and all the intense feelings on all sides, back to unconditional love, resolution and connection). I may NOT be the Mentor who can speak to how you create a successful romantic relationship again or be successfully a step parent or adaptive guardian again beyond all of this. I’m hardly right now the Mentor on how to get your finances back in order, beyond the falling apart of your old white picket fence success material reality. (But have faith in that i will get there again in time.)


But as someone who’s just trying to do her best to live back into a career and life I love and winning, and lead by example in doing my best at leading by example in living what I preach about relating, communication, leadership and connection, if I have anything to offer the others in the same boat as me this World Childless Week on how to heal the deeper stuff that is standing in the way of us feeling safe to engage in relationship to a deeper level in not just life and career, but love of all kinds again, beyond the affects of intergenerational trauma, that would be it so far.  For what it’s worth.


Thanks for reading. Until next time...
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P.S. I'm looking for an experienced second Facilitator, ideally with a Trauma Informed Therapeutic background and lived experience of the above mentioned subject matter, to assist with the running of my virtual and live social and support group for mid 30's to middle aged people without kids. Might that be you, or someone you know? Feel free to get in touch to find out more...