When strength is a part of kindness

How do we ascertain the difference between assertiveness and abusiveness in personal and professional contexts? And embody the former with kindness, over falling into playing in, or playing out the latter?


If there was a T Shirt that pretty well summed up the theme of my last week and a bit, on multiple fronts, this would be it. As a Manager amongst Managers, I seem to have earned myself a reputation of being surprisingly Zen under often stressful, chaotic, highly changeable event circumstances. But I have my moments.


Moments where, in the debriefing myself on the way home, in the giving myself both a pat on the back for where I stepped up and or the asking myself how I could’ve done better, I’ll realise that, for example,  I could have moved more like an ambo in certain moments (slow, deliberate, calm inspiring stroll, despite urgency of immediate circumstance). Or there are moments where adults behaving more like their children than their children in their tones and tantrems certainly test the limits of my patience. And despite my strict insistence with myself, in a spiritual, multidimensional universe, in which I KNOW the vibration of love (and a few prayers for assistance to respective spirit guides for assistance) will quickly remedy 999 999 out of 1 million escalating circumstances, there are moments where urgency and haste also have to take property in moments.


Moments where my tone inevitably becomes more present, firmer, more direct, louder and inevitably, when people insist on continuing to not listen, object to every instruction, snap back at me and or generally just do whatever the hell they want regardless of the impact, my tone and manner will escalate into a “don’t be mistaking my kindness, for weakness, b@#$% I will literally END YOU with consequence if you don’t comply within the next 15 seconds.” I never feel particularly proud of those moments, so much as I feel like I’ve failed at being an enlightened soul, but succeeded admirably in playing in the mud of being ‘human.’


And yet, sometimes, this is the only earthly language that some people (not all people) seem to consciously or unconsciously understand, respond to and respect. If you give an inch on taking too much responsibility for their actions, they’ll take a country mile on doing and saying literally anything, or lying about literally anything, to avoid accepting any form of personal or professional accountability for the impact of their actions. And they don’t want to hear any other version of the truth that calls them to a version of reality that is not 100% their way, to their liking, on their terms. And they’ll create a story that ultimately justifies your wrongness, and their entitlement to behave and treat you in this way.


For these folk, sometimes kindness, IS, it turns out, a show of strength. Of assertiveness. They learn little about life, about personal and professional relationship, about being human if you just give them their way, let them walk all over you and let them wreak destruction and disrespect all over others in the vicinity. You might be rid of them, or get rid of them in 5 minutes from now. BUT, then they become someone else’s pain in butt. Or your pain in the butt again a few days, weeks, months further down the line from now.


Sometimes kindness is saying it like it is, assertively.


For example, “I hear you, but (as the Leader in this scenario) I need you to do this/move to this location right now.” Sometimes kindness is kindly but firmly repeating your instruction in a slightly different way, for the 3rd time, still with equal calm presence and insistence. Sometimes kindness with strength is listening to and incorporating one missing piece of information, and then doubling down again on the original instruction. Sometimes it’s confidently telling someone that you believe they’re incorrect in the conclusion that they’ve drawn. That it’s not ok for them to do (X) when it has this consequence for you/this person/people.  That they will get a better outcome anyway if they do this (rather than what they just did). That they need to (please) stop talking and start listening. That they need to back off right now (and respect a boundary.) That they’re behaving in an abusive or disrespectful manner by doing (X). That if they refuse to listen, to compromise, to take responsibility for their share, then do I have to ask a Parent/Teacher/Security/the Police ( or the case of my last week, NCAT) to mediate instead. Or will they meet me half way and do as requested.


Assertiveness and Abusiveness, though, are not the same thing. In trying to differentiate the line between one and the other, to discern how I should show up, I think the ultimate differentiating factor, is intent.


In assertiveness, our motivation is ultimately love; it’s to bring things back into alignment with love, equality, accountability, honesty, patience, compassion, mutuality, respect, when some aspect of the experience has fallen out of it.


The motivation behind abuse on the other hand, is usually to do and cause harm on purpose; to punish, to withdraw privilege/s, resources or love, to wound the other party, under some form of internal justification that this is warranted. Or to one-up them, or show dominance in an “oh, so you underestimated my tiny stature and mistook my kindness for weakness did you, well how do you like that for a consequence, b#$%@!” kind of way. In other words, rather than the desired outcome, somehow that just became about my ego, and a flex of dominance, rather than educating the other about the problem, or working towards a mutually beneficial outcome by addressing the ultimate question; “what is really needed here instead?” Make sense?


Someone’s tone can become more insistent, more direct, louder, in a situation requiring urgent “don’t think, just do” type management and action, where the intent is to get them to safety, and you need to quickly get their attention. Or when they appear not to have heard you 4 times in a row and the need for them to follow instruction is extremely timely, while still holding loving, respectful intent.. But it doesn’t mean you’re being abusive.


I find that while meeting and matching aggression and disrespect, with aggressive tonality and dominant body language and energy proportionate to one’s position of authority, or directly proportional to the challenge being presented is definitely still sometimes the only language and collective behavioural construct that some people will seem to respond to, to me, dropping down into this level of consciousness, remains the last resort.



As someone who grew up having experienced being both individually and group assaulted at multiple times in the past when I majorly stood my ground, and thus spent a lot of time and money later on in adult life learning every self defence move and as many psychological and spiritual warfare tactics as I could get my hands on, to learn how to regain the upper hand if such a thing ever happened again, busting out the BJJ moves and drawing upon all the psychological, energetic, spiritual warfare tactics I could use to regain the upper hand, remains something I will only do when safety and lives are in danger, or physical assault is immediate and incoming.


When I make an assessment that the other party is purposely disrespecting whatever I say and choosing to deliberately do whatever suits them to do anyway, often while maintaining lack of eye contact (or face to face communication) and physically maintaining lack of rapport, ignoring you with a subtle smug smile on your face, the challenge is NOT to ascend in my aggressiveness of volume, or tone and yell at them for behaving (according to collective consensus) like an asshole to everyone else in the vicinity AND me. Intro closing off my heart in self defence and treating them equally like crap as punishment for their perceived act of disrespect.


The challenge is to reach for the higher part of myself, the unconditionally loving part, say a little prayer for interdimensional support, channel and embody that energy and then operate from that instead. To remember that this is a spiritual being, within a human in front of me and to appeal to that higher part of them to come forward and interact instead. With loving conviction and strength, trusting in the other to also BE a vessel for the best version of themselves and whatever that looks and feels like, allowed the opportunity.  Because experience has shown over the recent decades instead, that the majority of the time, given the time to be enacted, it actually works far more effectively. And gets far better outcomes, faster. But more than that, it leaves a lasting positive imprint. They may not understand exactly what just happened in the short term, but they won’t quickly forget the experience either.


Until next time...
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Nat Ferrier xx