I heard the statement thrown around more than once this year (and found myself guilty of saying it this year too, at a few times where I was pouring my everything into getting some things off the ground, and feeling like I was just spinning my wheels), that sometimes it just seems to take too long and take too much out of us trying to achieve THE big vision by ourselves. Whatever the vision is. Professional. Personal. Romantic. Whatever.


What is it though that is taking too long, is an interesting line of inquiry? Why is that so uncomfortable to sit with? Is it that we want the instant gratification (in our new instant delivery, dopamine hit driven society) of instant wealth, instant fame and followship, instant likes and comments, instant success, results, or testimonials that we can share with the world as social proof of our value? And or confirmation of our worth? Or is it that we’re trying to escape some form of discomfort associated with NOT having any of those things? What do we fear is going to happen if we DON’T achieve those things in record time? Or take this option, or person, now? What do we fear that we might lose? Or who? And why might we have so much resistance to standing out there alone, as the lone sheep, that we'll dive back in to a herd at times, any herd at times, over risking leaving our wooly selves out there, fully exposed, on the way to find, or leading a herd?


Once we’re getting to these questions, I think we start to get to the REAL, deeper issues at hand, as they come up for each one of us individually. These are issues that we need to address if we are to build the necessary resilience to stay in long enough to achieve all those independent, TYPE C (as Bob Proctor would call them) bigger picture goals we dream of. The kind we, or maybe no one else we know has achieved before, they’re so BIG. In the interim, it can be tempting, I think, to try and retro-fit ourselves, to existing scenarios, opportunities or more established organisations, in order to seek the real world gains, and faster results, more instantaneously. And or to avoid what we might fear might happen if we go after our BIG thing.


Realistically, if we’re to be fair in giving credit to every single person who ever contributed to where we are today, I think we need to acknowledge that it takes a village to raise a Leader, and often a village of collective contributions, to achieve any given one of our successes; personal, professional, or relational. BUT, how do we tell the difference between when we’re following an intuitive urge to collaborate with the right people, to get the job done? Or when we might be starting to compromise a little too far, in order to “retrofit” ourselves to other people’s visions, values, projects, personalities, or lives, out of need, old habit, or mutual convenience?


If we are a puzzle piece, looking for our corresponding puzzle, or to be involved in designing one, we have to be true to our form that already is, in order to be able to have our square edges, round curves and holes, fit alongside the complimentary edges, curves and cutout sections of the existing puzzle.


Somewhere out there in the universe, there IS a puzzle that’s perfect for us. But as Missy Higgins once sang a song about, we can start to get into trouble when we start trying to cut ourselves up in order to fit, for whatever reason we’ve decided that non-fitting puzzle is the right one, or enough right now to try and retrofit into. Instead of the one we really want, or maybe, ultimately, are destined for.  


Resentments over not feeling truly met will start to develop over time when we do, as we stuff our own needs, desires, visions or deeper intuitions down and out of site, in order to fit in, in the short term. But inevitably, they will eventually burst out of our chests or mouths, like in some Alien Sci Fi, pushing their own higher "thrive" over "survive" agenda above whatever short term payoffs or gains we’ve been so far getting out of this retrofit scenario. One way or another, in order to live into our truest authenticity and manifest our true higher purpose and potential, at times at which we’re not listening to what it is, in personal, professional or relational scenarios, they have to burst back out of us, in order to get our attention and get us back on track to our higher purpose.


Which is why, if we truly want to live our biggest visions, if we truly care to do right by others, and we truly want to create opportunities and relationships that will last the test of time, i think we have got to get really good at, in every single moment that requires it:

• creating the psychological safety for ourselves to journey inwards, to the mental, emotional, spiritual depths within us, in order to be able to
• both hear and interpret our inner sensory feedback, and higher intuitive signals, that give us clues as to what it is that we really want, need and feel most aligned with doing, AND
• to be able to communicate with someone about what that is and to
• embody a quality, or
• take an action in the world

in order to help manifest them.


But then I’ve been remembering lately, there’s also a very important second part to this, as it relates to staying resilient within the long game that it might take to achieve our big vision, over the course of time. Both through the moments where we can clearly see the puzzle falling into place. But especially through the moments where we can’t see any obvious signs of it coming together, for whatever reason. Psychological, timing of things, or people coming into readiness or alignment. Whatever the reason.
At these times, some additional skills seem necessary:


1.Becoming our own best friend, Mentor, biggest fan and encourager
The ability to be able to truly befriend the person we see in the mirror every day, and engage in a generous, caring, supportive, encouraging relationship with any given aspect of them that requires our support, in the same way that we might any close friend, romantic partner, family member, professional partner, client, student or mentee in the real world, is essential to our success. Whether someone is, or isn’t available in the external world, to offer us the equivalent form of support. And especially when they aren't. If we either become reliant upon some form of external validation or support for this, or that support is taken away, we can find ourselves with a giant gap in our mindset or positive, supportive internal dialogue, that needs replacement.


That dialogue and the mental programs we have installed and running at any given moment, are necessary for staying in alignment with our highest potential and our individual and shared visions. Depending upon whether we hear and listen to the inner voice of higher wisdom, or the voice of our triggers and old mental programs, makes all the difference between whether we stay on course to the realisation of our dreams over time. Or we end up disengaging. And or chasing our shadows and wounds, over our true purpose and associated goals.


The most perfect and recent movie example I can think of, of a movie character modelling this kind of inner dialogue out loud, was Captain Pete Mitchell AKA Maverick, in Top Gun Maverick. The next time you watch it, my invitation is to do so this time with an ear open to observing how he talks to himself out loud throughout the practice runs and missions he’s flying himself, not just teaching. You might notice how he’s constantly encouraging, reassuring and performance managing his own mental focus and self talk. The voice of every external party he used to rely on for this kind of reassurance earlier in life, that he no longer has in the external world, he’s now, by this point in time, internalised for himself. And it’s become an undeniable part of what keeps him on track to such intuitively motivated “don’t think, just do” (or in his case as a Teacher, I’d say “don’t think, just BE”) high performance and elite level success and achievement of individual and collectively desired outcomes. Despite whatever anyone else out there has to say about him, his family history, past behaviour, rank, his potential or his performance. Or how much external support he does or doesn't have at any given time.


In the real world, for one reason or another, there will be plenty of times that will require of us, especially as we step more and more into leadership, entrepreneurship or true mastery of our craft, in which some of the people we love the most either won’t be coming with us, or won't be able to be there when we need, to give us reassurance, or support, or sing our praises. And there will certainly be times where they won’t be there to be happy or celebrate WITH us, whether through circumstance, or them just not being able to get beyond whatever the stuff they’ve got going on in their OWN heads about us, long enough to be there. From our side, those times can feel very lonely, disappointing and demotivating. Which is precisely WHY I say it’s so essential that we learn to BE the friend, the partner, the parent, the teacher, the mentor we need, for ourselves.


2. Learning to define our own wins and love the journey and all the steps along the way to the visions that we haven't ever achieved yet
While it is essential to get clear what our big goals are, make a clear decision to go after them, and a clear course of actions and tasks that will help progress us in this direction, I think it’s also essential that we both get ok with acknowledging and defining our own measures of progress and success along the way (no matter what anyone else thinks of our speed, or progress, or what external performance criteria we're shooting for.)


And also that we learn to really love, be fully present in and enjoy all the 'moments' along the way. That we not stop doing smaller things we love along the way to the bigger goals and find ways to enjoy some of the foundational or learning tasks we have to do first, along the way to creating them.


Having pulled a partial career change, or rather hybridisation this year, after a decade of focusing often on what it takes to succeed in confidently putting yourself, your voice, your wisdom and your message out there as a Professional, Entrepreneur or Thought Leader or Influencer (not to mention to achieve success in marketing, sales and private and 6-7 figure practice or health or human service based small business), with a few other health, NFP or retail pursuits (and or recent bouts of burnout) along the way, and having done a shifting of gears back in the direction of paid professional creative and performing arts pursuits this last year, plus, in some ways, having dropped back to being a “Rook” in skill areas I hadn’t yet developed, this one has been especially prevalent in my mind this year.


Especially in light of the constant stream of competitive rejections at times based on the one same line of “unfortunately we had many applicants with more direct arts industry experience.”  As it comes to our discussion about retrofitting, there could of course also be a message within that about the nature of 'rejection being a form of protection.' BUT, if I were to base my self worth, assessment of achievements and progress ONLY on some of this external feedback, based on what they could see in that moment, I might think I was sh$% and had had a pretty sh%tty year.


YET, if I look at it based on MY terms of analysis, I’ve achieved at least 3 of my own personal performing arts, training or personal growth related goals this year and hence successfully arrived at the base camp of my own personal Mount Everest for those, this year. Financially it also was a pretty disastrous year for both my savings and my budget to accompany a working Visa. But in my own self talk dialogue, I’ve been telling myself that I’m so freaking proud of myself for going after the opportunities and kicking these goals and constantly reminding and reassuring myself (as I rehab some abilities and bring online for the first time others) that I KNOW I’m outstanding at the things I’m feeling the call to do, even if I don’t yet have all the recent external social/showreel proof style evidence to again back that up. There’s still time and I’ll get there. And I’m certain of this. I also choose to remind myself that, in an aligned universe, I'm seeking my “right fit” other puzzle pieces, as much as they’re seeking me. That’s the self talk, self nurturing part.


And there’s the part where I’ve given myself permission to just enjoy the hell out of whatever steps and activities I’m engaging in along the way. Whether there were THE thing. Or smaller puzzle sections, on the way to completing the bigger one. Whether it was working at NIDA, painting, or singing a song for live or online sharing, whether it’s working performing arts events, submitting for parts, writing down a story idea for a script, running lines or reading in my lounge room, or living vicariously through and writing random encouraging comments to A listers, who’ve we've publicly watched put in the work and are now getting the rewards for THEIR wins, or selling brands and products I truly believe in, I allowed myself to fully enjoy just being back amongst it, to enjoy being amidst the anticipation of it and to allow the energy of it to fully reignite and come further online within me, unapologetically, regardless of what anyone else does or doesn’t have to say about it.  And I’m loving life and am finishing out the year feeling very content that way.


Which is why I say, I also think it’s so important for our resilience, that we learn to love the ride and enjoy every single moment on the way to our bigger victories. Especially the ones that we haven’t achieved and seen any real world proof yet that we CAN achieve, beyond the vision in our heads, telling us that it’s possible.


3. Coming back into collaboration from a place of greater authenticity and wholeness
Finally, once we’ve BFF’d ourselves, aligned with our truest inner vision and authentic expression of self, practiced trusting in our inner voice of higher wisdom, once we’ve learned to create our sense of joy, success and fulfilment on our own 2 feet along the way, then we’ve created a much cleaner, clearer place from which we can start lining up with our other puzzle pieces and or creating new parts of the puzzle. Now we know with certainty what we really want. Now we’re saying what we REALLY mean to say and talking with others about what is really needed. And now we’re capable of moving at greater speed together, to not overthink and just BE and DO what really needs to be done, to help bring about those bigger picture, really BIG dreams. Individual and shared. Because now the form of "us" as a puzzle piece is really, really clear. So it’s also so much more obvious to others, when they look at and feel into us, where and how we do or don’t fit together.


So any time we start trying, but feel like things relationally, personally or professionally, are still not fitting together, or we realise someone might be cutting to “retrofit” on either side, or just not manifesting at all, part of the key is to then bring it back to working on our relationship with our inner selves. And feeling out the shape and layout of the puzzle piece that is “US” again. Separate to whatever everyone else is doing out there, or whatever they needed us to show up as in any given moment.


Some food for thought, and something to feel into, as we come to that time of having the available time and space to do our post analysis for the year, and start to feel more fully into who we are now, who we want to be and what we want to do in the year (or years) to come.


Whatever the nature of our engagement in 2022, my sincere and heartfelt thanks to you for both you taking the time to read my inner musings and for the journey we’ve shared together in the year that’s been. I really appreciate you. Business wise, i'll be back online as of Mon 9th Jan 2023. Until then, wishing you a happy and safe holiday break and journey into the (Gregorian) New Year. And so much bountiful goodness, health, wealth and happiness in the year to come.
Until next time…

If we want to create greater trust and psychological safety, in personal and professional dynamics, with a broader range of people, we will find it in the middle ground between the extremes of negativity bias and positivity bias. 


There are some opposite extremes of conditions, thought and healing/empowerment process going on within the personal and professional development spaces that are both absolutely needed. Yet, might also be negatively impacting our capacity to create emotional/psychological safety and trust with others, while we attempt to find the balanced middle ground between extremes.


How are these extremes negatively impacting psychological safety in relationships? While we’re trying to heal and overcome any specific condition or behaviour that we’ve come to judge as undesirable, for a while, we can tend to swing into being overly focussed on it’s opposite extreme. Before each subsequent pendulum swing coming back through lowers in magnitude and starts to spend more time, in the balanced, homeostatic, aspirational middle ground between the two behavioural polarities we’re aiming for and against. In this case between negativity bias  and at the other extreme positivity bias. The psychological unsafety can arise at either extreme.


At one extreme, in industries or occupations that require high performance and a high level of accuracy and demand absolute perfectionism, being able to spot that one tiny little thing that is wrong, is sometimes a needed skill.  At this extreme, we also have part of Therapy and Spiritual Culture within the Personal Development world urging us to go ever deeper inwards in owning both our light side and our dark side, if we ever want to reach self awareness, wholeness, empowerment and fulfilment. Self awareness and accountability are absolutely key components of emotional and psychological safety, so this is a necessary pursuit.  But self exploration can, at times, also be a rabbit hole, once we begin the process. One that we can potentially get lost down, trying to chase down all of our inner demons, in the quest for growth, healing and wholeness (at modern day, instant result seeking speeds.) If we're not careful, the pursuit of healing problems can actually lead us away from our vision of where we want to go or what we want to experience instead in personal or professional life, by leading us into a spiral of seeing more and more problems that need addressing. One of the things we may encounter down there, is the phenomenon of negativity bias.


Well documented by Psychologists in recent years, is the phenomenon of negativity bias. Apparently, our human brains are predominantly wired to protect us by constantly looking to find and eliminate any given threat to our safety. We call this phenomenon negativity bias. Negativity bias can also be exacerbated in any one who suffers from anxiety, chronic illness, phobias, has experienced major life events or family crises,  especially from a young age, who has experienced cultural bias or prejudice, grown up in or fled from a war, or who has experienced abuse, or Narcissistic abuse, childhood or adult trauma, or PTSD or CPTSD, as a few examples. Who has learned that aspects of life and human relationship are definitely NOT safe for them at times, and therefore have, whether they consciously intended to or not, have become more preoccupied with identifying and protecting themselves in advance from similar sources of perceived harm in future. It's a coping mechanism.
   
Whatever the reason, paradoxically, the unfortunate risk to relational safety associated with negativity bias is that, If we become too focused on what is wrong all the time, over the 70-90% about any given circumstance or person that is still  completely functional, compatible, likeable, loveable, relatable, and capable, given the right support, unfortunately we risk starting to make the dynamic unsafe for all parties to be in.  Because how does it feel to be in the presence of someone who only ever sees the worst in us? But rarely the best? Hw can we be, or create a better experience, if we're not allowing room for the better experience to show up, and all parties to be able to be a walking, talking embodiment of the very things we want to create and experience?  Negativity bias, risks starving a dynamic of the oxygen of emotional safety, trust and the possibility of growth and longevity, before it’s really begun. Because we’re not giving the healthy middle ground of relatability a chance to grow and breathe.


At the other, we have segments of high performance, new age and personal development culture, that is concerned with our success and personal fulfilment, as well as in the quest to heal and empower ourselves beyond intergenerational and cultural abuses, oppressive conditions and Narcissism, as much as in our quest for personal success, we've coined the term also of  ‘toxic negativity.’ urging us towards ‘positive vibes only’.  Especially in relation to negativity behaviours being deliberately used as a means of abuse. Smoosh the fear of negativity bias and toxic negativity together, and thus, the call is to let go of ALL toxic people, drama, negativity, codependent people and behaviour. Plus, urging us to stop getting distracted by negative thinking, drama and loops back into excessive focus on our shadow side.  In other words, often aiming at the other extreme of ‘positive vibes only.’


Within this extreme, we also have abuse healing, CPTSD healing and narcissism experts shining light on when we might be practicing too much positivity bias; too much kindness, too much forgiveness, too much positive psychology and gratitude as a form of spiritual or emotional bypass, in order to stay in a state of denial about how 'badl'y we’ve allowed ourselves to be treated, in a situation, personal or professional that isn't really working both ways. Which provides a way of avoiding having to rock the boat to speak up about our needs, or call out abusers or narcissists, at the risk of losing the relationship, benefits or opportunities associated with them. And or incurring the wrath of abuse that can occur in leaving them. Personal or professional. But, in the process, by avoiding speaking up, and or by not setting and holding to terms of acceptable engagement from minute 1 of the relationship, potentially further enabling them to continue with behaviours that don’t support personal or professional growth and progress in the direction of shared and mutually beneficial aspirations and outcomes. E.g. negotiating fair terms of engagement in the shared relational space between us.


To be fair (as we will discuss when we look at the journey to owning the power in our voice in the chapter of my book on Being Authentic) I would agree totally that addressing the shadow side of our silent, hesitant, people pleasing tendencies is essential in the empowerment journey. But what concerns me in regards to creating psychological safety, is the risk of abandoning completely working on the very expressions of forgiveness, acceptance, patience and tolerance that still remain necessary for functional long-term relationships and creating psychological safety with healthy people, in the healthy middle zone. For fear of accidentally allowing back in another negative circumstance, or enabling another Narcissist. Many in the process of healing are now becoming so scared of creating the wrong thing again, and or potentially enabling yet another Narcissist, toxic person or Abuser, that we’re not giving second chances to an one AT ALL And in the process sacrificing the possibility of mutually creating relational safety, so that we can maintain our own sense of safety and peace.


Personal development, dating and success/high performance culture can lead us to great heights, while asking us to raise the bar on our expectations of ourselves and others, to help us to get to the highs of where we want to go. And while supporting us to reprogram our past mental paradigms and no-longer-helpful or supportive to our current goals modes of thinking. But I fear that the extreme this has pushed us into, or people are being actively coached into, is that many have seemingly swung to the other extreme of labelling ALL negative human experience and emotions as “toxic negativity” , unacceptable and a potential threat to our, or their, success. And the problem what that zero tolerance policy, is that it is almost impossible for any given human to BE 100% positive, all of the time. Thus ‘positivity bias’ ALSO compromises our capacity to create emotional safety for others to be around us, personally or professionally. Because it creates absolutely zero margin for failure. And chucking people at the first transgression against absolute perfection, or no longer supporting our purpose or vision, can create a huge amount of anxiety.


When our attitude becomes of almost zero tolerance of the humanity, human frailty, past trauma or hardships and faults of other people, and we close our eyes, heart chakras, lungs and physical space to, and adopt a holding-at-arm’s-length of anyone exhibiting any sign of negative thinking, poverty, abuse history, trauma, or lack-based thinking, codependent behaviour, narcissistic behaviour, or going through very real current and totally normal life transitions or challenge, then an uncompromising lack of compassion, empathy and forgiveness to their humanity can ALSO feel impossibly cold and feel very one-sided, uncompromising and unsupportive to be around, let alone maintain long term. With so little room for mutual negotiation of agreeable terms of engagement.


If others come to feel that there is absolutely zero room for them to make a mistake, or be human around us (and the odds, over time, that we WONT make a mistake, basically reduce to zero) and it's "their way or the highway," how can others EVER come to feel safe to open up to growing with, sharing with or investing in us, if they feel it is inevitable that we will dispose of them, at the first sign of human weakness, or failure? Especially if they have a history of insecure attachment or abandonment, this can and does feel extremely psychologically triggering and unsafe to be around, or to invest in for most people. And creates extreme amounts of anxiety.


But more than that, ALL human beings have a light side AND a dark side and true empowerment requires that we take ownership of both, and then consciously choose how we show up in future in light of that. But more than that, as just one example, if 2/3 of the adult female population alone have experienced some form of abuse, positivity bias would have us eliminate most of the population from our personal and professional sphere, in order to maintain our 'peace' and 'progress.' And if we only want to deal with people on a certain level of success and status, that also eliminates most of the human population from our sphere of relatability or influence, while we're single-mindedly going for ONLY that. If that's what one wants, ok no problem. But if we want to make a bigger impact and truly empower a wider range of people through our work, that kind of narrows the field on our relatability of WHO we can actually influence? Not to mention that the demand for absolute positivity also denies a huge percentage of people the right to have a voice, as they heal and find their power, presence, purpose and authority?


Hence, extreme positivity bias, as much as extreme negativity bias can just as much negatively impact good people and potential relationships . Not to mention negatively impact collaboration, engagement, productivity and project outcomes. Because compassion, empathy, patience and forgiveness of all people, cultivated in the middle ground between the two extremes, are essential components of nurturing and creating the trust and psychological safety required to deepen into long term relationships of all kinds. And are essential for Leaders to cultivate if they’re to successfully Coach or Mentor anyone, not just elite achievers,  to greater levels of growth, engagement, productivity, success and achievement in professional settings.


Add to this, that we are getting dangerously comfortable with the idea of human relationships being single-serve disposable, because we're now so seemingly spoiled for choice in a global market of 8 billion accessible possibilities. If this one doesn’t work out, or no longer serves our immediate needs, no problems, just chuck them and get a better option. If we were nibbling at the idea of there being plenty more fish in the sea before, now far too many have seemingly swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Leading to the recent observation by many high profile relationship, leadership and success coaches, that loyalty, commitment, and the practice of skill in conflict resolution and handling challenging conversations, are at an all-time low. While strategies for ending, hope of relational success, talk and expectation of endings, literally bragging about how good one is at endings AND personal and professional turnover, are at an all-time high.


More than that, in a world where we want 100% ticks against our manifestation lists on our selection criteria (personal or professional) the attitude of always looking upwards for something or someone better, while it might aid our high achieving growth and success on the positive side, on the shadow side, can stop us recognising the value and the potential of the talented, highly suitable, but maybe self-doubting fish right in front of us, who is 85%-90% what we want, but still working (and may even need our help) with development of the other 10-15%.


If we believe we can just find someone better, someone 5-10% closer to 100% ‘perfect’, someone who’s 100% instant ease, without requiring any nurturing or effort on our part, who’ll 100% accept us, our vision and our viewpoint completely and do whatever we want, how we want, WHEN we want a) how realistic is this, verses the timeline we have to find that 1 person who is perfect? And b) what message are we sending to the people already in front of us, about THEIR value to us?


The paradox is that, this is where the perfectionism and high performance mentality seemingly stops pendulum undulating and comes full circle, straight back into generating negativity bias. And how much emotional safety does it feel like there is around someone who tends to only ever see, refer to or react to the worst in us? Who doesn’t show that they appreciate or value who we are and what we bring to the table? An we can feel literally keeping us at arms length? Do we tend to want to move closer to them? Or move away from them?


Thus negativity bias OR positivity bias can both negatively impact our sense of emotional and psychological safety in both personal and professional contexts. Not to mention our ability to influence, engage and collaborate with a wider range of people in professional contexts of all kinds.


If we want to be better friends, partners, family members, acquaintances, support people, team mates, customers, clients, students, employers, employees, colleagues, leaders, managers, advisors, coaches, teachers, trainers or mentors, i suggest it's worth asking the question, am i ever falling into playing out either of the extremes of extreme negativity bias or positivity bias? How is this impacting how i'm showing up in the world and in my work? Is this impacting the quality of my relationships? How do I want to be showing up in the kinds of personal and professional contexts mentioned above, going forward? How ideally do you want the people you relate with to feel when with you? And to feel after their time spent with you? What else can you do to create that experience with them going forward?


Until next time...