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Trust- on the inside and outside

4/10/2019

From Economists to Relationship Coaches, there seems to be a lot of agreement lately that it is trust, not just love or money that makes the world go around. In its 2016 global CEO survey PwC reported that 55% of CEOs surveyed think that a lack of trust is a threat to their organisation’s growth. [1] But most aren't exactly sure what they can do to increase it. [2] Stephen Covey once called trust the glue of life and the most essential ingredient in effective communication. Psychotherapists, Psychologists, Counsellors and Coaches everywhere will also tell you from their training and experience that trust is the vessel that safely holds, like a ceramic bowl, all the ingredients that we progressively add into the relationship mix with each new relationship we create. And that bowl continues to hold the process as the relationship grows and evolves in it’s form as it’s prepared in the kitchen of life. So while, yep, i think we can probably agree the world surely needs more love in certain places, i can't help but also notice lately, how many situations the world over, really began when a crack appeared in the bowl of trust, at a very personal level.

Wether we're to repair it, or to create it in the first place, trust, in truth, is an inside job. Thus, this blog is a re-reflection on how we can create more trust, starting on the inside, and then moving to what is within our power to do on the outside.

Sometimes, all it takes is one act of realising that things aren't how we thought we were, to have us questioning everything, and disconnecting from the flow of life.

Left unchecked to our own creative devices (under the influence of the trust scars co-created with the ghosts of chef’s you once co-created with past) we can then very quickly go from easily creating a feast in life, to just as quickly bringing on a famine of anything…..all because of that one little crack.

Wether the batter in the bowl is mixing up some amount of money being in service in business, or the perfect job, a more cohesive energy in your team at work, or funding a trip or attending a personal or professional event, or a manifestation formula for your next partner, or a healthy welcome snack for your next 7 or 7 event attendees, it doesn’t matter who is the one who helped put a crack in the bowl of trust, wether someone betrayed our trust, or we just didn't want to see the giant purple stompy elephant in the room while it was stomping up the joint to get our attention, all it takes is one crack to start to lose the contents.

Which, in real life, can look a whole lot like the things you asked for, NOT showing up when you want them to and things not working out how we hoped. People suddenly being focused elsewhere even.

Crack the bowl enough times without repair and the trust bowl starts to develop a holding capacity more akin to that of a sieve...not so cool. Relationships of all kinds struggle to thrive that way.

At those times, no matter how much effort you might put into the mix, in the void of the crack, we might find that we temporarily:

Stop trusting in life/the earth/the universe/God combined to provide for us
Lose touch with our co-creative capacity within it
Start calling into questioning the motivations of others and find ourselves pulling back the right and wrong people and opportunities alike, and worst of all, actually
Stop trusting in OURSELVES to be able to discern the right people and right opportunities from the Dirty John’s (and Joans) and the hidden agendas masked within whatever seemingly too-good-to-be-true (or maybe true?) prospect they just put on the table, AND
We might start to put a little too much focus on trying to ensure we never make the mistakes of the past again, plus maybe
Start to lose faith in our ability to create something better in the future

That can be enough to throw our focus into preoccupation with what we don’t want, over manifesting and engaging with what we really DO. Which potentially brings us more of, what? Instead of?

So what do we do for ourselves about a crack in our bowl when it happens? Starting with our insides, here's the basic process i've been taking clients through the last several years:

1- REGRESS and make conscious the patterns and wounds (traumas) around trust that are resurfacing in the present in these moments, along with their triggers
2- RETRACE to their point of origin
2- RESOLVE what we need to make peace with for good to be free to move forward
3- RE-ENVISION our manifestation picture going forward
4- RE_ALIGN and connect energetically with that, as well as
5- RE-EMBODY the qualities (including trust and self belief in this instance) of the highest soulful version of us we're meant to be going forward, and take
6- RENEWED action from this place, leading to much better outcomes, so that we can finally
7- RECEIVE the goodness that is already waiting in the pipeline to arrive

Wether we're building trust for the first time, or re-building after it’s been broken, trust is first and foremost, an inside job. While this process, and particularly what’s needed holistically here is different for everyone, because no two people’s life experience is the same, if we want to change what we’re creating and experiencing on the outside, we need to start with working on our own stuff about trust on the inside.

And then trust that the right people will shift or show up for us in different ways on the outside and we'll reconnect with the right opportunities when we do.

Wether at work or play, some things we can also do to create and strengthen the bond of trust within our personal and professional relationships on the outside:

1- Tell the truth

Kind of self explanatory, right? Honesty breeds trust. And your trust in being authentically you, and communicating authentically, with heart, breeds more trust and safety in relationship.

2- Self awareness

Catch 22- to know thyself well enough in the first place, in order to be able to express up front how one feels and what one truly wants and needs, one must first practice mindfulness, in other words, the ability to tune in to our stream of thoughts, the sensations going on within us, as well as notice what’s going on in our surrounds, to be able to communicate most authentically and accurately with others, the fullest, truest version of what's really going on inside us.....in this moment right now.

As opposed to waiting a week to 6 months or years down the line before life kicks our butt with the external reality mirrored back to us of what you really put out there, wether intentionally or not.

3- Be congruent in what we say and do

Stephen Covey also once said we tend to measure our own trustworthiness by our intentions (because we're the one who's hearing them 24/7), while others in the outside observatory position, judge our trustworthiness based on what they observe in both our verbal and non verbal communication, and our continued behaviour.

The brain flags an inconsistency as a reason for further investigation, and, based on how many times the stompy purple elephant showed up and warned of the crack in the trust bowl in times past, as a potential threat to safety.

When you’re dealing with someone who grew up in a co-dependent or abusive environment and they spot an inconsistency, they’re more likely to react to the same red flag that would cause the average person mild concern, with a heightened level of emotional and physiological reaction, until they learn how to deal with the trigger, as much as they’ve resolved the original trauma on which their fear response is based [3].

While it’s not our job to be overly-responsible for their reactions, what we CAN do, within the safety of the shared container of any one of our work and in our personal relationships, is do our best to walk our talk, and do our best to be the same version of us to people's faces, as we are when they're not in the room, knowing that doing so, helps create trust.

4- Lead with gratitude or positive sentiments

The more love and positivity you put out, the more love and positivity is mirrored back. Plus it creates trust and the desire to come closer in relationship, because we all WANT to feel good in connection and feel like we’re growing and making progress. Plus positive reinforcement is motivating. That’s not to say never do negative feedback as a part of honesty, it’s just to say that it helps people feel safe in relationship when we balance the bad news with the good. And if we can deliver a negative, in a positive light, with sensitivity to the impact of our words, in other words, make it kind in it’s delivery, that too creates trust and safety.

5- Own your sh*t

In trying to be aware of and being proactive in taking responsibility for the impacts of what we say and do in life, we create safety, by way of people who care about us seeing that we do our best to own and hence act to minimise the impact of our projections or mistakes on others.

Owning our stuff, can be as much an act of caring for self, as it is an act of consideration of the welfare of others. Seeing this, plus seeing that you can deal with your projections and triggers in a healthy way, people are more likely to deem you safe to be vulnerable around and open up with.

6- Listen, to understand and acknowledge

When we show that we’re willing to listen with the genuine desire and curiosity to understand what makes the other tick and lights them up like a Christmas tree, more than waiting to tell them how it is, or waiting for a turn to say what we want to say and get what we want out of it, this act of acknowledgement of the other's wellbeing first, creates trust and safety.

7- Drop in an apology

Being willing to drop an apology every now and then where needed also promotes trust and safety. It doesn’t have to mean that you agree, but when we express a genuine sentiment, when we see someone upset, that we are sorry that someone feels distress and can demonstrate remorse or regret if we know deep down we had a hand in that, our willingness to express such sentiment creates trust and facilitates deeper relational intimacy and future safety. (Intimacy here, meaning a sense of closeness and connection, as opposed to it having to have anything to do with sex. Just to be clear. ) Which leads almost innately to:

8- Clarity and clear boundaries TOO, create trust and safety

They're like the clay and the layers of glaze that hold together as the structure of the bowl. As Esther Perel would say, intimacy in relationships of all kinds needs them to deepen and evolve [4] .

As humans, have you ever noticed, canoeing or SUPing down a river, or ice skating, or dancing in a room with others, we feel more certain about pushing off and exploring the flow of the middle, once we've sized up where the edges are? And how much more confident we get, when we realise we can manoeuvre ourselves to and from the edge at will? Paradoxically, this is the freedom of relational exploration that defining some boundaries creates. In personal relationship. And things like creativity and productivity improve at work too when expectations and boundaries are clear.

9-Be proactive in being of service/creating solutions or finding opportunities to further connect

What do I mean by that? Nothing says I care and creates trust in your level of interest in and commitment to a personal or professional relationship, like you taking the initiative to be of service. However that may be appropriate.

If it’s a new relationship, it might be setting up a touch point or future activity, if it’s professional, maybe it’s offering a solution to a pressing problem you can see the other is having. If something went wrong, maybe it’s being proactive in following up the above with an act of generosity or service, as a recommitment to whatever source of love brought you together and a means of rebuilding trust.

There’s a lot of memes getting around social media about how other people should come to us. But, this is just a gentle reminder, relationship is a 2 way street. And it’s ok to make the first move in reaching out personally, and step back to give the other room to make theirs, or not, as may be the case.

It builds trust and safety when you show you’re committed to proactively showing up for the next step. It shows that you're committed, as opposed to just perpetually interested, but constantly waiting on something conditional to happen first. Waiting on them to make the move or prove something to you. Which brings me to:

10-Learn to trust your intuition over the fearful voice in our heads

If we can practice drawing upon and developing our trust in our intuitive knowing, it always has the right answer in knowing when to take the initiative and when to step back. Which kinds of brings us full circle to the fact that trust is first an foremost, starts within.

11- Be timely in your responses, or set up something or someone to respond on your behalf.

In the paradigm where relationships are built on trust and abundance, setting up a timeframe in which either party expects a response is both an act of commitment and care, which builds trust. [5]

In a world where social media meme's everywhere are reminding the masses that busy people who care, make the time, prioritising response to the those who are as committed to us as we are to them, is more important than ever.

Plus nothing says I’m trustworthy, like making sure you’re there to catch someone personal or professional, when they take the leap of faith and reach out in your direction. Being present In response = trust. Showing a little genuine excitement and interest through a timely response does the same.

12- *Bonus point for Therapists, Coaches, Leaders, Managers and Social Media Managers on creating safety on social.

Create a business strategy for social media transference. Do you remember back from training what transference is? [6] This kind of projection of our past relationship patterns and traumas onto current circumstances and people can happen with anyone in a perceived position of power, or having something in common with the original circumstance.

Once upon a time it only used to happen in the safe container of your office. These days, the moment of realisation for an emotionally vulnerable client, that there are personal sides to you, other than the professional identity or perceptions they’ve come to trust, feel connected to and feel safe with, unfortunately often happens now in the vast wide open online land of the internet and social media. Or maybe at some event you’re running over the dinner, while you're with other people.

Thus, this point is about re-considering what your business strategy is for handling those vulnerable, embarrassing for the client or employee moments , when clients realise they’ve been projecting all these ideas and feelings all over you, that maybe aren’t how things really are, or congruent with your perception of how things are for you.

What is your business strategy on how to support them through those moments, and come out the other side feeling empowered, rather than like there’s maybe something wrong with them for what they just played out?

Which is a bigger risk than ever in a day and age where people can be following you on social for years, coming to feel completely like they know, like and trust you. But for you, the second time you’ve experienced them ever, might be at an event they attend. The bigger or more momentum you get, the less able you are to be present personally with each person in your community or organisation. And trust me, when their stuff blows open and they feel like there's no-one to support them in your organisation, it is definitely a thing.

Being confident in how to handle this, individually and organisationally, when it happens and having a strategy in place to give them a private container or link them with the right people to explore it further with, helps create trust, safety and greater community harmony, for them and everyone else in their networks and yours.

If you'd like some suggestions on how to manage this, book a time with me here, it's part of my thing.

Big, sensitive topic this week, i know. But there you have it, my 2 cents for the fortnight on the mixing bowl of creating and restoring trust. Ultimately, there are as many different recipes for creating and healing trust as there are human beings on this planet. And that's just some of the ingredients i found myself reaching for this year so far, actually.

But i'd love to hear what works for you too? What other communication and relating skills and tips would you add?

Until next time....

Nat

References

[1] Redefining Business Success in a Changing World CEO Survey, 19th Annual Global CEO Survey, January 2016
https://www.pwc.com/gx/en/ceo-survey/2016/landing-page/pwc-19th-annual-global-ceo-survey.pdf

[2] Paul J. Zak, The Neuroscience of Trust, Harvard Business Review, January-February 2017 Issue
https://hbr.org/2017/01/the-neuroscience-of-trust

[3] Brickel, R.E, Healthy Relationships Matter More than we Think, April 26, 2016
https://brickelandassociates.com/healthy-relationships-matter-think/

[4] Perel, E, The Secret to desire in a long-term relationship
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0RUmGTCYY

[5] Zia, Edward, "Profitable Persuasion, Public Speaking and Influence," at Profitable Marketing Meetup, 8th April 2019

[6] Wikipedia: definition of Transference
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

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UPDATE: The New Australian Government Review of Natural Therapies

Trust- on the inside and outside

Nat

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Nativerse

UPDATE: The New Australian Government Review of Natural Therapies

Trust- on the inside and outside

Nat​

Writer

Archives

Categories

Contact

Terms

Nat