How negativity bias AND positivity bias are damaging psychological safety and trust

If we want to create greater trust and psychological safety, in personal and professional dynamics, with a broader range of people, we will find it in the middle ground between the extremes of negativity bias and positivity bias. 


There are some opposite extremes of conditions, thought and healing/empowerment process going on within the personal and professional development spaces that are both absolutely needed. Yet, might also be negatively impacting our capacity to create emotional/psychological safety and trust with others, while we attempt to find the balanced middle ground between extremes.


How are these extremes negatively impacting psychological safety in relationships? While we’re trying to heal and overcome any specific condition or behaviour that we’ve come to judge as undesirable, for a while, we can tend to swing into being overly focussed on it’s opposite extreme. Before each subsequent pendulum swing coming back through lowers in magnitude and starts to spend more time, in the balanced, homeostatic, aspirational middle ground between the two behavioural polarities we’re aiming for and against. In this case between negativity bias  and at the other extreme positivity bias. The psychological unsafety can arise at either extreme.


At one extreme, in industries or occupations that require high performance and a high level of accuracy and demand absolute perfectionism, being able to spot that one tiny little thing that is wrong, is sometimes a needed skill.  At this extreme, we also have part of Therapy and Spiritual Culture within the Personal Development world urging us to go ever deeper inwards in owning both our light side and our dark side, if we ever want to reach self awareness, wholeness, empowerment and fulfilment. Self awareness and accountability are absolutely key components of emotional and psychological safety, so this is a necessary pursuit.  But self exploration can, at times, also be a rabbit hole, once we begin the process. One that we can potentially get lost down, trying to chase down all of our inner demons, in the quest for growth, healing and wholeness (at modern day, instant result seeking speeds.) If we're not careful, the pursuit of healing problems can actually lead us away from our vision of where we want to go or what we want to experience instead in personal or professional life, by leading us into a spiral of seeing more and more problems that need addressing. One of the things we may encounter down there, is the phenomenon of negativity bias.


Well documented by Psychologists in recent years, is the phenomenon of negativity bias. Apparently, our human brains are predominantly wired to protect us by constantly looking to find and eliminate any given threat to our safety. We call this phenomenon negativity bias. Negativity bias can also be exacerbated in any one who suffers from anxiety, chronic illness, phobias, has experienced major life events or family crises,  especially from a young age, who has experienced cultural bias or prejudice, grown up in or fled from a war, or who has experienced abuse, or Narcissistic abuse, childhood or adult trauma, or PTSD or CPTSD, as a few examples. Who has learned that aspects of life and human relationship are definitely NOT safe for them at times, and therefore have, whether they consciously intended to or not, have become more preoccupied with identifying and protecting themselves in advance from similar sources of perceived harm in future. It's a coping mechanism.
   
Whatever the reason, paradoxically, the unfortunate risk to relational safety associated with negativity bias is that, If we become too focused on what is wrong all the time, over the 70-90% about any given circumstance or person that is still  completely functional, compatible, likeable, loveable, relatable, and capable, given the right support, unfortunately we risk starting to make the dynamic unsafe for all parties to be in.  Because how does it feel to be in the presence of someone who only ever sees the worst in us? But rarely the best? Hw can we be, or create a better experience, if we're not allowing room for the better experience to show up, and all parties to be able to be a walking, talking embodiment of the very things we want to create and experience?  Negativity bias, risks starving a dynamic of the oxygen of emotional safety, trust and the possibility of growth and longevity, before it’s really begun. Because we’re not giving the healthy middle ground of relatability a chance to grow and breathe.


At the other, we have segments of high performance, new age and personal development culture, that is concerned with our success and personal fulfilment, as well as in the quest to heal and empower ourselves beyond intergenerational and cultural abuses, oppressive conditions and Narcissism, as much as in our quest for personal success, we've coined the term also of  ‘toxic negativity.’ urging us towards ‘positive vibes only’.  Especially in relation to negativity behaviours being deliberately used as a means of abuse. Smoosh the fear of negativity bias and toxic negativity together, and thus, the call is to let go of ALL toxic people, drama, negativity, codependent people and behaviour. Plus, urging us to stop getting distracted by negative thinking, drama and loops back into excessive focus on our shadow side.  In other words, often aiming at the other extreme of ‘positive vibes only.’


Within this extreme, we also have abuse healing, CPTSD healing and narcissism experts shining light on when we might be practicing too much positivity bias; too much kindness, too much forgiveness, too much positive psychology and gratitude as a form of spiritual or emotional bypass, in order to stay in a state of denial about how 'badl'y we’ve allowed ourselves to be treated, in a situation, personal or professional that isn't really working both ways. Which provides a way of avoiding having to rock the boat to speak up about our needs, or call out abusers or narcissists, at the risk of losing the relationship, benefits or opportunities associated with them. And or incurring the wrath of abuse that can occur in leaving them. Personal or professional. But, in the process, by avoiding speaking up, and or by not setting and holding to terms of acceptable engagement from minute 1 of the relationship, potentially further enabling them to continue with behaviours that don’t support personal or professional growth and progress in the direction of shared and mutually beneficial aspirations and outcomes. E.g. negotiating fair terms of engagement in the shared relational space between us.


To be fair (as we will discuss when we look at the journey to owning the power in our voice in the chapter of my book on Being Authentic) I would agree totally that addressing the shadow side of our silent, hesitant, people pleasing tendencies is essential in the empowerment journey. But what concerns me in regards to creating psychological safety, is the risk of abandoning completely working on the very expressions of forgiveness, acceptance, patience and tolerance that still remain necessary for functional long-term relationships and creating psychological safety with healthy people, in the healthy middle zone. For fear of accidentally allowing back in another negative circumstance, or enabling another Narcissist. Many in the process of healing are now becoming so scared of creating the wrong thing again, and or potentially enabling yet another Narcissist, toxic person or Abuser, that we’re not giving second chances to an one AT ALL And in the process sacrificing the possibility of mutually creating relational safety, so that we can maintain our own sense of safety and peace.


Personal development, dating and success/high performance culture can lead us to great heights, while asking us to raise the bar on our expectations of ourselves and others, to help us to get to the highs of where we want to go. And while supporting us to reprogram our past mental paradigms and no-longer-helpful or supportive to our current goals modes of thinking. But I fear that the extreme this has pushed us into, or people are being actively coached into, is that many have seemingly swung to the other extreme of labelling ALL negative human experience and emotions as “toxic negativity” , unacceptable and a potential threat to our, or their, success. And the problem what that zero tolerance policy, is that it is almost impossible for any given human to BE 100% positive, all of the time. Thus ‘positivity bias’ ALSO compromises our capacity to create emotional safety for others to be around us, personally or professionally. Because it creates absolutely zero margin for failure. And chucking people at the first transgression against absolute perfection, or no longer supporting our purpose or vision, can create a huge amount of anxiety.


When our attitude becomes of almost zero tolerance of the humanity, human frailty, past trauma or hardships and faults of other people, and we close our eyes, heart chakras, lungs and physical space to, and adopt a holding-at-arm’s-length of anyone exhibiting any sign of negative thinking, poverty, abuse history, trauma, or lack-based thinking, codependent behaviour, narcissistic behaviour, or going through very real current and totally normal life transitions or challenge, then an uncompromising lack of compassion, empathy and forgiveness to their humanity can ALSO feel impossibly cold and feel very one-sided, uncompromising and unsupportive to be around, let alone maintain long term. With so little room for mutual negotiation of agreeable terms of engagement.


If others come to feel that there is absolutely zero room for them to make a mistake, or be human around us (and the odds, over time, that we WONT make a mistake, basically reduce to zero) and it's "their way or the highway," how can others EVER come to feel safe to open up to growing with, sharing with or investing in us, if they feel it is inevitable that we will dispose of them, at the first sign of human weakness, or failure? Especially if they have a history of insecure attachment or abandonment, this can and does feel extremely psychologically triggering and unsafe to be around, or to invest in for most people. And creates extreme amounts of anxiety.


But more than that, ALL human beings have a light side AND a dark side and true empowerment requires that we take ownership of both, and then consciously choose how we show up in future in light of that. But more than that, as just one example, if 2/3 of the adult female population alone have experienced some form of abuse, positivity bias would have us eliminate most of the population from our personal and professional sphere, in order to maintain our 'peace' and 'progress.' And if we only want to deal with people on a certain level of success and status, that also eliminates most of the human population from our sphere of relatability or influence, while we're single-mindedly going for ONLY that. If that's what one wants, ok no problem. But if we want to make a bigger impact and truly empower a wider range of people through our work, that kind of narrows the field on our relatability of WHO we can actually influence? Not to mention that the demand for absolute positivity also denies a huge percentage of people the right to have a voice, as they heal and find their power, presence, purpose and authority?


Hence, extreme positivity bias, as much as extreme negativity bias can just as much negatively impact good people and potential relationships . Not to mention negatively impact collaboration, engagement, productivity and project outcomes. Because compassion, empathy, patience and forgiveness of all people, cultivated in the middle ground between the two extremes, are essential components of nurturing and creating the trust and psychological safety required to deepen into long term relationships of all kinds. And are essential for Leaders to cultivate if they’re to successfully Coach or Mentor anyone, not just elite achievers,  to greater levels of growth, engagement, productivity, success and achievement in professional settings.


Add to this, that we are getting dangerously comfortable with the idea of human relationships being single-serve disposable, because we're now so seemingly spoiled for choice in a global market of 8 billion accessible possibilities. If this one doesn’t work out, or no longer serves our immediate needs, no problems, just chuck them and get a better option. If we were nibbling at the idea of there being plenty more fish in the sea before, now far too many have seemingly swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Leading to the recent observation by many high profile relationship, leadership and success coaches, that loyalty, commitment, and the practice of skill in conflict resolution and handling challenging conversations, are at an all-time low. While strategies for ending, hope of relational success, talk and expectation of endings, literally bragging about how good one is at endings AND personal and professional turnover, are at an all-time high.


More than that, in a world where we want 100% ticks against our manifestation lists on our selection criteria (personal or professional) the attitude of always looking upwards for something or someone better, while it might aid our high achieving growth and success on the positive side, on the shadow side, can stop us recognising the value and the potential of the talented, highly suitable, but maybe self-doubting fish right in front of us, who is 85%-90% what we want, but still working (and may even need our help) with development of the other 10-15%.


If we believe we can just find someone better, someone 5-10% closer to 100% ‘perfect’, someone who’s 100% instant ease, without requiring any nurturing or effort on our part, who’ll 100% accept us, our vision and our viewpoint completely and do whatever we want, how we want, WHEN we want a) how realistic is this, verses the timeline we have to find that 1 person who is perfect? And b) what message are we sending to the people already in front of us, about THEIR value to us?


The paradox is that, this is where the perfectionism and high performance mentality seemingly stops pendulum undulating and comes full circle, straight back into generating negativity bias. And how much emotional safety does it feel like there is around someone who tends to only ever see, refer to or react to the worst in us? Who doesn’t show that they appreciate or value who we are and what we bring to the table? An we can feel literally keeping us at arms length? Do we tend to want to move closer to them? Or move away from them?


Thus negativity bias OR positivity bias can both negatively impact our sense of emotional and psychological safety in both personal and professional contexts. Not to mention our ability to influence, engage and collaborate with a wider range of people in professional contexts of all kinds.


If we want to be better friends, partners, family members, acquaintances, support people, team mates, customers, clients, students, employers, employees, colleagues, leaders, managers, advisors, coaches, teachers, trainers or mentors, i suggest it's worth asking the question, am i ever falling into playing out either of the extremes of extreme negativity bias or positivity bias? How is this impacting how i'm showing up in the world and in my work? Is this impacting the quality of my relationships? How do I want to be showing up in the kinds of personal and professional contexts mentioned above, going forward? How ideally do you want the people you relate with to feel when with you? And to feel after their time spent with you? What else can you do to create that experience with them going forward?


Until next time...

Nat

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