Ever seen two people you love talking at each other, rather than to each other? Ever felt like that's been you? Here's a few tips to drastically improve your communication so that all involved feel met and understood.
I've been really noticing this week in the course of life and just listening to random people's daily conversations, even online ones, how is it that two beautiful, ginormous heart connected people, can so quickly go from a conversation where they truly understand one another, to almost having two completely separate conversations, separated by a wall of frustration?
In that listening have you ever seen with couples particularly how one person is saying one thing and the other person is just totally talking over the top of them, completely missing the point or even that the other person already gave them the answer they were seeking? And then they just work each other up into more and more frustration, all because they're not stopping to actually be really present in the moment and give 100% of their attention to what is really being said in that moment? As much as they are in their head, responding from their mental construct of how they think it is in that moment, constructing legal defense or the previously rehearsed version of what they wanted to perhaps communicate in this conversation (or one like it, as healing old wounds may dictate) holding their egos ground to prove a point like ones life depends on it, but in the process missing the reality of what is really unfolding in the moment, between these two beautiful people, and their ginormous hearts?
If we stop and truly attune to what is really going on with the other person in that moment, to what that person is really trying to communicate with their words, with their body language with their tone of voice, with their energy, they'd be having a completely different conversation.
One where they truly heard each other and felt with their hearts and souls what the other is truly trying to say. Listening and communication...not just a mental thing! But good listening, is a whole body thing. Bringing 100% awareness (or as much as possible anyway) means not just listening with your ears, but with every cell of your being, allowing your focus to travel out to the other to meet them, feeling in yourself for what they're feeling and putting out, or not putting out as may be the case. Watching the way their posture changes, their breath changes, their facial expression, what they pause or stumble on, what they smile or laugh or light up at, and most importantly of all, what their eyes tell you that nothing else does.
It's pretty hard to argue with someone, when you look them in the eyes, with your heart and reach out to their heart. So many conflicts in my life I've stopped in their tracks right there with that one move alone. "I see you, I feel you, I love you, how do we meet half way?" Truly showing up heart to heart, dissolves all that mental "stuff". So many relationships too, got so long delayed, from missing what was really being said in those moments. Of course I've been as guilty of these things as every one of those people I saw.
Timely reminder, isn't it, in the sharing of this, for us all, to really be there in our hearts and our bodies as best we can in our communications in all moments. But it requires trust too, doesn't it? It's vulnerable too, communicating from that place. Letting down the wall and trusting the other to be gentle with us when we're connecting to that place. But the stronger our sense of self I find, the easier it is to show up in that space without fear. And to navigate our focus and our energy in and out of connection with that person as daily life may require.
And the beautiful thing is, this works not just in person, but online too. You can attune to and feel for what the person writing that post and those words is really feeling and really saying, beyond whatever triggers us....so....damn...much! Sometimes they're not as far apart from us as we first think, and more than that, we might even be saying, experiencing or valuing even the same thing underneath all that projection and assumption. Always pays to back up what you're getting with a question to confirm that they really mean what you think it is that they mean. All make sense?
Until next time, have fun take care, chat soon.
Have you noticed how much stuff that once deeply troubled you is resolving very organically right now? Are you feeling the internal shifts about stuff you might have long forgotten about, or seeing people show up for conversations you thought you'd never have right now? For so long, women, and now men too are speaking out, when life is requiring it, to call out injustice. But have you ever noticed how often we get caught up in communicating about what pissed us off, without really having any idea what we want instead? What do you really want instead? What kind of connection do you really want with the people involved, or whoever comes next, instead? In order to co-create it, we must get clear what collaboration and unity really looks like in the relationships we wish to improve. And if we're are to heal global and individual traumas of all magnitudes, we have to be able to envision what the healing process and journey beyond might look like.
The beautiful thing about the healthy masculine too is, if you drop into your heart, appreciate it, and ask it to show up, when the times get tough, or it needs to step up, the healthy masculine gets going and then shows up and says, oh yes, so tell me my dear, what do you need? What do you want? Because i'm here for you. And when its combined with the healthy feminine, its patient and compassionate and empathetic to the time it can take to grow and heal.
At this critical time on the planet, where so many people are outraged by abuses wanting to play them selves out through certain individuals who've made their global ambitions and agendas pretty clear, the counter response is as many men in the hearts as women are stepping up and saying, ok then, so how can i stay in for this evolution, this conversation and support you? Plus others? What does love really look like and what does it want to do through us right now?
In order not to miss the good that's unfolding, we need to not get stuck with our focus on what WAS. We need to show up for and allow the evolution of the global conversation and the individual conversations to each's next phase. The timing of the movie below is the perfect example of a global exclamation point in the conversation about what this world wants beyond the abuse traumas of the past.
**Word of warning: if you're either not in a state right now to engage in a conversation about abuse OR planning to see the next 50 shades movie and DONT want to hear more about either, please be warned that this is what the next paragraph is about....
Even yesterday, going to watch the new 50 Shades Darker movie...if yesterday and earlier in the week i'd written posts about Christian's wounded psychology with further calls to "its time to own your shit" ...guess what, in movie no 2, that's exactly what happens. The healthy feminine and masculine shows up, everybody gets brought to account, Christian owns it all and goes all in for love and they find a way to work out EVERYTHING minus the abuse he played out at the end of movie 1 and while trying to help everyone heal the effects of all that abuse. Half the world asked the healthy feminine and masculine to show up in this movie....and it did. Along with a few plot lines to help make it really clear what consensual exploration looks like verses what abuse and its affects looks like. And even, though its a little unrealistic in its timeline and speed maybe (he's still got to cope somehow the next time business happens or when the honeymoon relationship phase wears off and they fight and he feels helpless and out of control and in 2 hours we don;t get to see all of that), this movie just become an exclamation point in the global envisioning of what the recovery journeys of both victim and perpetrator might start to look like, by seeing how fast Christian learns from and grows from Anastasia's insights and seeing how it might look when we trust in the good in people beyond their mistakes and they thrive for our love and belief in them and getting the support they need to heal. It's an important plot point in the global conversation. I don't know about you, but i sure as hell needed to see that right now and based on that, wont be boycotting this movie.
And more than that, i'd add, this kind of recovery is not to be written off as just fantasy. Over the last year in particular, while showing up for the healing of my own past abuses and traumas and to take responsibility for what i can heal and change, I've repeatedly been blessed with seeing what it looks like in real life to successfully give up problematic behaviours and build an amazing life, career and healthy relationships beyond a drinking problem, beyond the adult reenactment of childhood abuse. There are amazing men and women out there doing the work. I've worked with them, I've lived with them, i've listened to their TED talks, I've healed because of them and despite the victims turned perpetrators in my world that weren't ready to own their side of the problem and show up for the conversation of "what now" and to envision something better.
So my advice to you right now, while there is shit going on in the world, and individual stuff going on for us apparently over this next two weeks between eclipses of completion of all the old wounds and global abuses, keep your eyes peeled for the gifts, the potential healing and the incredible opportunities that are wanting to show up right now beyond the learnings of the past and where it might be beneficial and healing, if at times challenging, to stay present for those individual and global conversations. For the record, i'm not saying stay in and tolerate abuse when one may genuinely be at risk and in danger, I'm saying, if they've owned it, if you share the same values, they're genuinely committed out of love to doing better and we've all learned our lessons, how can we then show up next time, with faith and belief in each other as to what is possible beyond that moment? And what do we now want and need instead? It happens when we envision it and agree to work towards and embody that vision together, starting individually, and then the positive ripples spread and spread and spread. The time we need to start going all in, is now.
What are your thoughts on this? Feel free to share them below.
Until next time, have fun, take care.
Hey there. Seeing as we haven't had a video for a while, this week i thought i'd do one. This week, we're talking about self-empowerment v's surrendering to support. Why are you both really important for women particularly in the start-up phase of business?
Firstly, what is self empowerment all about? To me, it's both operating from your own inner authority (intuition), trusting and having confidence in that you have within you what you need to lead and learning to be your own, self-managed CEO. In your own business, now you have to be the one making all the decisions, taking all the responsibility for what will and what has been delivered, relative to your vision, having the final say on what you need, from you and by when. Not to mention, you're now the public face for yourself and your mission in the face of both support and opposition. Self-empowerment is essential for all women in business for your success. It's learning how to turn the worker bee mindset and all our fears of stepping up and being seen into self belief, self confidence, inspired action, success and fulfillment.
It's also about becoming resilient in the management of your own emotions, energy and internal state in general, to be able to have room and bandwidth within you to be able to manifest abundance and energy to be of service to more people and grow ongoingly in your vision and your business.
It doesn't mean you have to go the whole journey alone and it all yourself. Everything in life is easier when we feel into when we need support and allow ourselves to receive it.
Plus the expansion of your vision will inevitably involve collaboration and co-creation with others, who's abilities are complimentary to your own.
But it does mean cultivating a place within yourself where you're making life choices from a place of "I can" and from "anything is possible", as opposed to making choices from fear or self doubt or lack or soley from a risk management standpoint. The former focus has a way of taking you off track from your life purpose and expanding possibilities, whereas the latter more soul aligned focus on possibilities allows us room to do and create many incredible things and quickly.
It's not to me though, about separation or continuing the perpetuation of the "I have to do it all and there's no one else who can help."
The light and the flipside of self empowerment
I've heard it said that the exact same set of skills that help a woman thrive in becoming independent in managing her business are counterproductive to her thriving in relationship. And I have heard this same thing come out of my mouth numerous times talking to independent business women who started dating. "Make sure you also make some room to receive and surrender to all that person wants to give to you, as well as all you have to give back. " As a basic requirement of human relationships in general, we need to become as good at receiving as we are giving.
What often gets in the way of that is the shadow side of the independent superwoman archetype (and the superman for that matter). The beautiful part that wants the approval of and gets stuck in trying to prove to important parties like parents or partners or bosses how awesome we are at doing it all and thinks it's a failure or fears that we might not be met or what we'll lose if we admit we need help or show our vulnerability. Which is a fair concern, sometimes we might lose things or things might change for us admitting it. BUT, it's just as true that we might just receive the exact love and support we need if we be real and surrender to inner guidance on what direction to take and what support we need, when. Plus, our business or any company can grow via more support being brought on or better distribution and delegation of tasks once we stop trying to do it all and admit that we need help. Not to mention, when we be real, we give other's permission to be human and better love and take care of themselves too.
Repeat after me: "Self-empowered Superwomen and Supermen are super good at surrendering to support"
I'm happy to admit I've struggled with all of those in my own business journey and relating journeys enough times, and had thousands of conversations with women business owners enough times to know that we women need self empowerment, just as much as we need surrender. Both, in their different ways, aid different aspects of our success, in different aspects of our life. Really, it's a human thing, not just a girl thing :-)
If you'd like to connect with a group of women wellness and social enterprise business owners who are as committed to supporting each other in our business and making a difference endeavours as thriving in our personal lives and relationships of all kinds, come and join us in the Women in Leadership Connection Self-Empowerment Support Community.
Until next time, have fun, take care xx
Nat talks about Self Expression, Heart Centred Communication and Lifestyle for Leaders.