This is me: still dancing in lounge rooms since I was first old enough to dance in a lounge room…and occasionally outside of them too.  Though, for growing up in a remote rural area, attending schools that didn't teach dance, and thus never having had more than 2 or 3 formal dance choreography classes between primary school and when I started studying contemporary arts  (with drama and media arts majors) at uni at age 18, I never really considered myself a dancer. As much as I considered the girls in high school who HAD been in private dance classes since they could walk and were (rightly so) cast in the dance parts in school productions, dancers. And instead considered my creative strengths back then to be acting, media arts, piano, singing and writing.



Until, at almost 19, one of my 1st year Drama Lecturer's watched some of us rehearsing a comedy piece we’d written for our yearly showcase. In which several of us played hypnotised audience members, who’d been instructed as a part of a hypnotherapy workshop,  to break out into singing and performing Gloria Gaynor's “I will survive” on command. Until the Hypnotist magically clicked their fingers and woke us back up...to that awkward moment of conscious awareness in which we all realised at once what we'd just done in front of the room.



After watching us and me do this over the course of several weeks and 3 evening performances, he felt the need to pull me aside after class one day to ask me something: If I was doing dance? When I said no, he then asked if I had passed the dance audition all students had been required to do as a part of auditioning for this course? I told him I honestly had no idea. As, given my lack of dance training, going up against over 50 of the states most seasoned dancers, who’d been trained since they could walk, was one of the most intimidating and nerve-wracking things I’d ever done by that point in life. And I’d assumed I must have therefore done atrociously on the choreography sections…and hence I’d never asked, for having presumed inevitable failure.  



Regardless of whether I had or hadn’t, this was the first community of Performers I'd been asked to hang it all out there on the floor in front of....and he was thus, one of the first people I could recall giving any form of positive professional affirmation that he REALLY thought i should pursue it, “because I could definitely move.”



But I was still super afraid of doing that. Call it unresolved childhood trauma and group inflicted SA trauma, but I was equally fearful of the potential judgement and disapproval of Teachers and whole groups of fellow students that I imagined would follow, for me being too slow to pick up choreo, or for me screwing it up in front of whole classes. Plus, then there was the fear I was still carrying from being a kid, that I didn't look like a Dancer.



From about age 6, up until about age 13, my 'little pot belly' and my 'chubby knees' and my 'fat ass' certainly didn't look like the marketing brochure image of the child ballerina. And thus, between grade 5 and year 7,  I copped relentless amounts of s!$%, especially from the boys, for how I looked. Hence my New Years resolution for the start of year 8, was deciding to commit myself to a 5-6 day a week exercise and dietary regime, in addition to the usual activity a family living on and maintaining a rural 4 acre property, or I myself might get up to out of hours. Things like bike riding, dog walks/walks of the paddocks, horse riding, or family activity like backyard cricket, canoeing, fishing, motorbike riding or sporting (clay target) shooting out of the home activity. Or outdoorsy household and farm chores, like home, gate and fence maintenance, wood chopping and carting, mowing the lawn, or checking, cleaning and maintaining the sheds, corral, and paddocks occupied by the cat, dog, horse and sheep.



My new regime consisted of 3km runs, my own self-choreographed routines of lounge room aerobic workouts in winter (drawing from public television, movies and music videos and activities we were already doing in Physical Education classes at school.) Plus, especially given that we had a fierce female PE Teacher then who would not tolerate one tiny inkling of body shaming or bullying between students in our mixed gender classes, I felt free and content, giving it my everything in high school physical education classes. (Which, again growing up in a remote area, on a single Parent and the Neighbours'/Carers' work and travel schedules, anything I could get to or from within the timetable of the only twice-daily school bus that made the 25km trip past my home, made it one less extra trip for the grown ups.)



Consequently, by age 13, many of the adults who'd known me since primary school, suddenly started making amazed observations about how much I'd "physically transformed into being such a beautiful swan now!" But, as a 1981 baby, growing up to be a teen in the 90's, copping all that body image grief prior, I'd certainly not considered myself 'pretty enough' early on to be a Dancer.  



Hence, when it came to private dance classes, I hadn't had that chance yet to confront my fear of being laughed at by any given audience for both how I looked AND how I'd look screwing up a dance in competition, in front of a live audience.  To my adult logical brain, and maybe yours now, that may or might not make much sense. Especially when I might also have nailed it, instead of "Brigette Jones'ed it" and then turned it into comedy.  But to a brain and a nervous system still healing from childhood PTSD, panic attacking like all of the love, social acceptance and approval in the world was going to potentially vanish forever if you don't get this one thing right, it definitely FELT like a very REAL thing at the time.



And so for almost a decade, I ran away from classical, contemporary, partnered dance choreography classes. But every now and then, at home, having just watched or listened to some, often classical or modern piece of music from a musical that inspired me, I’d find myself oddly possessed by the incessant need to push back all the lounge furniture, and surrender to the urge to just try some particular contemporary dance or classical ballet move….and surprised the hell out of myself in moments, that there were things that i’d never been taught, but that I somehow knew, or could soon work out in the doing of it, how to do.  

Below is a random example of that in motion. Backing track credit: "Eye Of The Untold Her" written by Lindsey Stirling, Mako, & Steve Mazzaro. Produced by Mako & Additional Production by Kris Eriksson.

​Then came the Dance and Creative Therapy Era...


It wasn’t though until I started studying Transpersonal Art Therapy in 2010 (in which we also started exploring both Drama Therapy and Dance Therapy approaches in certain units, on top of the Gestalt Therapy training I'd done as a part of my Counsellor training) that I started to play with dance out of the lounge room. And then started attending every different Dance Therapy and Ecstatic Dance class I could, run by various Dance Teachers trained in the application of Dance as an Expressive Therapy. 


THEN, all of a sudden, I felt like I had a safe place to explore this thing that has since come to be one of my greatest loves. And a safe space to be witnessed. And dare I say it, enjoyed; in moments where I’d close my eyes, totally lose myself in the bliss and freedom of my own movement, and then I’d open them, to spot several people watching me. Often also smiling; or much to my surprise, often with a look of awe, that (beyond family lovingly enduring my 5-6 year old lounge room dance concerts and both my 1st year Drama Lecturer’s feedback AND the wildly supportive applause we got each night for that 1st year uni comedy piece) I’d long shut down to that this might ever be a response that my dancing in public MIGHT receive from any given other human. 


Around about this time, dance event Facilitator friends who'd seen that this was something I loved to do, also started deploying me as a crew member, because they’d worked out that, if they wanted to get the energy really started in a room, then my now going for it with FAR LESS inhibition, was now a great catalyst for that. 


So by that point, if life is a cha cha, then I’d maybe come 3 steps forward again, after a rock step back and forward and some side steps during high school and uni, to now finding ways to apply all that energy out in the adult world, for the greater good. 



These days, (or rather last weekend,) in the odd Sunday morning that I’m not at work, I’ll still venture out of the lounge room, to a completely drug and alcohol free (unless you want to consider the odd pre cacao ceremony a drug) all ages ecstatic dance class full of other Dancers. Like 5 Rhythms, in which an Instructor typically guides you through a kind of moving meditation practice and 2 hour long waves of a movement therapy process. In which one follows a journey through each of the 5 rhythms into reconnecting with their body, heart and true soulful/essential self, through dance. 



During that first hour ‘wave’’ there is typically a lot of letting go. In both the form of feeling into and dancing through the letting go of any pent up emotional energy that’s been ‘stuck’ within us. And or the, shamanically speaking, psychological death of old patterns or parts of us. Plus the surrendering into, individually and as part of a group, and on occasion dancing with other members of the group, or not, a very joyful, high energy, ecstatic state of movement. 


Before the second hour long wave’s dance is often about a dancing in and grounding in new energy, intentions and future parts of ourselves (now present because we’re calling and grounding them in.) In the psychological safety of a therapeutic style setting like this, drugs, alcohol and hitting on/trying to hook up with people on the dance floor are a strict no no. But supporting each other and connecting as a community is totally IN. It’s not everyone's  cup of tea. But in my early 40’s, it continues to be MY and many others kind of cup of tea. 
​

9 lessons that dance has taught me over time:

While the professional dance reality at my age is also sometimes:

• Us 40 somethings laughing through sending each other videos of where our bodies get stuck now after breaks from stretching for the splits, or warming up to kick your legs in the air. And or 

 

• Sometimes involves watching younger Dancers get professionally hired instead because Productions might get better bang for their buck at times from young Dancers in terms of all of fitness, energy, endurance, recovery time and dare I say it, lower award pay rates. And or 

​

• MIGHT involve a transition or continuation to choreography, teaching and or expressive arts therapies, plus any number of artist, education or production administration, support, management and promotional roles, for example.  

These kinds of dance spaces, as much as the people who we sometimes hold event space for, who are still competing and performing into their 70’s, are a fantastic reminder that:
 

1. Doing what you love really has no expiration date
2. It’s never too late to start, or resume and
3. You don't have to be perfect at it before you even step onto all dance floors
4. There are multiple roads to Rome when it comes to exploring the things we love in life. Just because, for whatever reason, you didn’t take that one particular exit to a destination of its exploration, doesn’t mean there’s not still other ways to get there.
5. Keep following that inner spark of inspiration no matter what. Because it’s likely a part of your life purpose and your destiny. 
6. Showing up authentically is key in creating genuine human connection. If the key to connecting with others deeply and meaningfully, is having the guts to authentically show up as who we really are, then us doing so, becomes part of the reason that the right people can come to truly fall in love with us, personally and professionally, for all the right reasons. 
7. Cliche too, but with love, f%^k the haters. Or rather send them love and shine on anyway.

Or more to the point, just hold them with love and acceptance and let them do them. It’s ok if there’s some people who cant understand what or why we do what we do, or are the way we are, because it’s not their purpose or their thing. Their thing is their thing. 


And I can guarantee that, at times, no matter how respectful we try to be in meeting people half way in how we show up with love and respect for them, some aspect of what we do, is inevitably in time, going to trigger some OTHER unexpressed or unresolved ‘thing’ inside of someone else out there somewhere. Whatever that might be. We don't always have to take it on and personalise every single thought and the journey that they're choosing to have in the privacy of their own head along the way. That may or may not actually require our involvement for them to work it out. Sometimes we've got to learn when to tune out to that, and just let them do them, while we redirect our focus onto us doing us. Until there's ever a time of practical need for the 2 to meet in the middle.  


But both my non-celebrity influencer journey AND my performing arts journey across the board, have been a powerful reminder to not EVER let the ways in which our "light" can trigger people, stop us from being true to our highest potential.  Even if us shining like the sun occasionally gives people sunburn for staying out in our “midday” too long, the world may actually miss out on something awesome and needed, that it was our destiny to deliver, if we ever switch off our light…or water down the potency of the medicine, just because someone, somewhere needed it in a smaller…and possibly less frequent dose.



I think of Emily Blunt’s character (Elise Sellas) too in the movie The Adjustment Bureau when I say this. In the moment where Matt Damon’s character (David Norris, future US President to be) meets with the head of the Bureau, who reveals the probable outcomes of their future timelines as detailed in their map book. David is asked to consider how dating her in the present timeline, unless he makes different choices in how he shows up for her, could become the difference between her becoming a world famous, award winning Dancer and Choreographer. And her “only” reaching her potential as a Dance Teacher, when she likely falls and injures herself and then adjusts into building a career around the demands of his. Instead of getting the encouragement and support that her current on and off again partner, who works in the same industry, would likely give her to encourage her to get back up and in the game again, put in the same support position.  



Firstly, full respect to Dance Teachers everywhere, because without the safe space of encouragement they initially hold, there would BE no world famous Dancers in the first place EVER. But the point is, not missing or dimming our potential in the quest to meet someone else’s needs half way. Her journey would STILL later have come around to teaching on some level anyway, but the point was she might’ve regretted it if she didn’t give shining in her craft professionally as far as she could, a red hot crack FIRST. 



Sometimes you gotta let yourself shine as bright as the sun, to find out just how far you can go. And if you’re meant to be that bright on a world stage, it’s worth remembering that people will show up who are capable of supporting you to BE that bright.  People that ARE  are like Venus and Mercury are in our solar system in their ability to tolerate what qualities of the Sun feel like extremes, to us sensitive little purpose-built humans on Earth…and be there while we seemingly pull off the literal bending of the 3rd dimensional physics of things like gravity, time and space if one has to, in the process of achieving seemingly improbable things. 




8. Doing what you love isn’t just doing the bits you love, it’s also learning to love doing the bits that are necessary to get really good at that thing. 


Doing what you love also involves getting ok with doing it, and or totally failing at it, 30 000 times or more over where necessary in the process of learning and practicing the skill. AND therefore, learning to love, find joy in and pan for the constant gold in that process, is also a necessary part of the process. To be able to get to a point where doing that thing starts to feel intuitive and like you’re able to keep up with the flow and give structure and form to whatever the magical creation is that is birthing into physical form and expression THROUGH us.


In that respect, learning to do what you love really well, can be incredibly frustrating at times, when you feel the gap between where you are now in skill, and where you have persistent desires and visions of you one day being. But learning to love the learning, the process, and the journey is a big part of how we get to being able to shine like the sun at any given thing, AND how we get to a place where work does not feel like work; and we're showing up daily to do what we truly love to do. 



9. Know when to pace yourself in the sustainable marathon of life, and when to give it your everything

Finally, It occurred to me once or twice in the peak of the trance on the dance floor last week, that I was feeling like I needed to pace my energy a bit. As it had been a while since I'd done this for 2 hours at a time. And yet another part of me was like “you KNOW you’re not leaving here happy unless you’ve totally left it on the floor level gone for it in the top of this wave, and you know it!”


I think that’s a good thought to take back into life. Yep, sure sometimes you’ve got to pace yourself in a marathon to be able to do the whole thing. But especially when it comes to others, sometimes you've also got to know when to go all in, and leave it ALL on the floor. Or you’ll never know what you, it/that truly could’ve been...and then we're left wondering what MIGHT have been...if only we'd fully shown up and given it our all. We might well fall flat on our face in the process. But even when we do, at least we can live happy in the knowledge that we're giving it our best go. ​



IF we're meant to stick at it, but we need to, say, build more skill and keep investing more time and energy consistently over time, or heal a bit more inner patterning first for example, before we're truly ready for the next part of the puzzle and person or people involved to come in, then sometimes the persistent inner desire to want to STILL keep pursuing that thing until we're ready for the next bit, might be the clue that there's still more to come for us yet on this journey.  In which case, this can be a sign not to give in to the tears and doubts; but to keep leaning into what we love and finding new ways to love the process of it. 



BUT, if it turns out that we actually aren't as into it as we first envisioned that we might be, or that it's not right for us in some way, in the going all in and giving it our all, we also discover the knowing of that. AND, then can make a different decision around what we choose to do next... and in the process, line up and open up for something better to come in for us and others. 



The going all in and trying it out part is how we come to truly know either way. As well as how we become open to seeing and receiving the gifts and the gold destined specifically and unmissably for US within our journey. Whatever form that might take; that guy, or that girl, the one/s who delight/s in watching, encouraging, sharing in and laughing WITH you, not AT you when you're doing your own version of your thing that you love. That job, that client, that collaborator, that Mentor, that location, that resource or that opportunity. Or even better, the one/s that are possibly an even better fit than what we had first imagined.  It's all on the other side of making that choice to go all in and stay consistently in with pursuing that thing we love.

Thanks for reading. Until next time, have fun, take care...

Every time I jump on social media at the moment, I seriously worry for the younger generations about our future capacity to build and maintain meaningful and long lasting relationships; whether friendships, romantic partnerships or meaningful professional relationships.  A dozen times a week, I jump on IG, or FB and get bombarded with personal development memes that have clearly got mass traction. But after 30 years of taking a personal and professional interest in what it takes to build and maintain meaningful connection, and heal all that’s getting in the way of it, I am so concerned by how much of it constitutes REALLY bad, incomplete or plan old counter-intuitive relational advice. Especially the several dozen ones that are essentially telling you to avoid all the hard parts and discard anyone with whom there is ever problems, tension, or the need to have a hard conversation.


Telling people to 'get rid of anyone who disrupts our inner peace', to 'never give second chances once someone did wrong by us one time', to 'take people’s past behaviour as a reliable indicator of your/their future' and to 'stop chasing people and let anyone who thinks we’re worth it do all the work in chasing US' might seem like great advice and validating to someone who’s ever been in a relationship that got hard and painful.  But the trouble is though, that such notions are just NOT realistic in practice, when it comes to the strategy of HOW to create and maintain long term relationships of a whole range of different kinds. Why?


For one, good luck with succeeding in creating a mutually beneficial and mutually fulfilling relationship, when we swing in the OTHER direction…and then become the one making all the demands….and demanding that the OTHER party does all the work. If it wasn’t fulfilling for US to be on the receiving end of ANOTHER having things their own one-way and calling all the shots, how can we imagine another is going to find US now doing the same in making it all one way, serving OUR way, going to be in any way, long term fulfilling for THEM? Let alone sustainable? 


But more than that, because humans are humans….and we’re deeply flawed, nuanced and complex, as well as remarkable, captivating and amazing in many of our best moments . We weren’t born perfect and often nobody taught up how to do relationships “right” in the first place. So this whole business of human, is experiential learning on the ground, in the muddy tenches of personal growth. We learn through experience and relationships are one of the places in which we learn the most, the fastest. And consequently, through the attachments we develop with them, that often provide us with the internal motivation to want to heal and grow into something more, something better, FOR the benefit of others, as much as for ourselves.


In this sense, leaning into hard conversations is where so much of the growth is. And is an essential skill to be able to successfully grow and nurture relationships over the long term. As is the ability to REPAIR them; to heal both minor and major injuries, forgive and go on to live and give again TOGETHER, despite our ever accruing experience of relational hurts, as well as successes, over time. That’s a whole other book in itself. But I ask you honestly, then why are so called “Experts” (most of whom, like myself, are stilling clearly healing themselves) so preoccupied with telling people to AVOID leaning into relational resolution and hard conversations, at any cost? 

After seeing this quote  pop up this week, let’s look a little deeper look at the complexities of both avoiding AND leaning into the tension of hard conversations. Given that doing so requires authenticity and vulnerability, we’ll also come out the other side of this with a process that will help us deliver our honesty in such conversations, in a way that will be optimally received. (Complimentary to my last blog on eye contact and how to be present well and authentically in any given conversation. And is especially important to practice during the more challenging of chats.)



Firstly, here are some reasons, why I agree…




Sometimes, when we don’t just name the awkward energy, or ask the awkward question, we’re actually delay a needed resolution of a very real issue, within a functional relationship. 

One that could be achieved really simply, and very often in 3-4 sentences of exchange and in less than 2 mins of our time, if we just named the proverbial elephant in the room. So if we DON’T, if we avoid the hard conversation, we maintain the tension of anxiety, angst, hurt and or ruminating in silence…and thus delay the restoration of closeness and peace that would come with discussing what the issue is, and how one or both parties can be more mindful of this and act in ways that better accommodate each others needs, or boundaries in future. In this regard, a minor relational wound then stays irritated. As opposed to it healing.


In this way, any misunderstandings, or misconception at play, stay at play. And how much preventable, unnecessary  anxiety, pain and suffering, might one or both parties go through as a result? While trying to avoid conflict and keep the peace? Until they uncover the misconception, and the actual truth? The emotional safety within the otherwise functional connection, thus also remains potentially compromised during that time. Because one or both parties are not talking about what is really needed, that would heal and move things forward. 



When we overthink/overanalyse, instead of just having the awkward conversation to ask what someone needs, we can also end up projecting and perpetuating tension that may not actually exist with them


If we try and keep the peace by avoiding the tension of just asking someone about what their needs and boundaries are about such things in any given relationship, we can actually end up projecting various kinds of imagined tension too. As is often the case for the anxiously attached among us, for not just asking, we can also end up spending a lot of time overanalysing, or worrying about what every single word that they say, or every single action that they take, must mean. And incorrectly attributing any given change that happens in them, as having been caused by something that we did or said either “right” or “wrong.” Overthinking it too, can start to cause the very kind of tension we fear developing, because, in a form of self-fulfilling prophecy, we end projecting the reality of the very thing we fear happening onto them anyway. And then start reacting to and relating with them as though something very wrong is presently happening. When actually it isn’t.


With this kind of anxious overthinking tendency, we’re actually better off practicing just asking people early on how they like to communicate, what their needs and boundaries are and how they like to address things when there’s a concern. And then trusting in both what answers they gave us as true. And trusting them to tell us if and when something is ever legitimately wrong.




Worst, case, that avoidance of issues and needed conversations to resolve them, results in a relational death


Worst case, the biggest risk with avoiding the vulnerability and akwardness of such conversations about major relational injuries, is that the unresolved pain and tension becomes too much, so that one party then pulls all the way out, because both the pain and severity of the open wound and lack of appropriate action taken to resolve this, becomes terminal. Potentially for both parties, as both then react to each other’s actions and reactions, and the pain and the grief process of rupture, instead of resolution, escalates and perpetuates into a relational death. Thus, the not getting vulnerable and leaning into having the hard conversation that needs to be had in a timely manner, in order to save the relationship, can guarantee the tension of an ending. Whether a preventable one in an otherwise functional, mutually compatible relationship. Or, a necessary one in a not truly compatible relationship.




Other times, us withholding necessary truths, delays inevitable and necessary relational endings


Sometimes, personally and professionally, there are situations where (relative to our values, goals, needs or requirements) we have genuine, long term incompatibilities with others. And the ownership and communication of such truths, would lead to one or both parties making a decision to seek out someone else, who’s a better fit with what they’re looking to create and how they want to interact.  And or or a better fit with any group/the community/the company culture or team culture, values and ethics that may be associated with that. 


Therefore, the withholding of one or both parties truth around where they’re really at and what they really need, can result in a kind of false compatibility and connectivity, while both parties assume that they’re on the same page. But in reality, really aren’t. In the short term, this might maintain some peace, while one or both parties get some short term needs met. But long term, the actual truth will slowly start to reveal itself through action, regardless of what authentic truth we’re withholding. So, not being honest both delays the clash of tension…and/or potentially worsens the tension that will result when the truth finally comes out. And or, as any acts of deliberate deception and dishonesty, are realised and processed.  In such cases, a death that needed to happen, is being delayed, instead of just ripping the bandaid off early. And both parties trusting in that they can attract for themselves (and or life can align for them), a better fit for both.



As a professional example, that could be the person who applies for a permanent sales job in a health business founded by someone deeply passionate about promoting a wellness lifestyle. That says they’re also interested in wellness at the interview. But are hiding that their idea of exercise in lifting the remote, that they eat Macca’s once a day, drink and do more recreational drugs weekly than a rockstar on a bender, and they think Mental Health is ridiculous and a waste of time. And are deliberately withholding that they also just see the job as a means to meet the bills for now, until something better comes along. While the owner wants someone who’s on the same page, values and passion wise, and is going to be deeply committed to the cause. They too might want someone urgently and be tempted to compromise just to get someone and resolve the tension of an unmet need, that is making their life harder while they’re doing the extra workload of this job too.


But if they knew where this candidate was really at, they would immediately reject this candidate as unsuitable. Any deception or withholding of the truth that then happens in that interview, by either party not revealing the truth of what they really want and need, would just delay the uprising of tension that result from them putting their true, authentic needs and desires on the table. Not to mention, potentially inflict a wound of betrayal, as one or both parties deliberate engage in deception of the other, and then this deception is eventually found out somehow. Avoiding in either case, the long term truth, to try and meet short term goals here, is just delaying the tension of an inevitable ending.




For a personal example, say 2 people are assessing each other for a long term romantic partnership, where someone is a thousand percent certain at the start of a relationship that they not only love and want kids, but want to be with someone who also wants to create a family tribe of half a dozen of them. While the other person is a thousand percent certain that they absolutely hate kids and never, ever want to have kids, let alone be around kids in any personal or professional capacity EVER. While either party withholds this knowledge on their early dates, they might well meet several of each others needs, that they can justify pursuing the chemistry of a physical connection as fulfilling needs in the short term. Until they spend more time together. At which time, life starts to put them in situations involving kids, and the truth starts to reveal itself through their reactions and interactions with them, in those instances.


So the withholding of the truth of their desires and needs around kids in the meantime, also prevents a “necessary” clashing/polarising against each other’s values; the tension of which might lead to an ending, as what both parties REALLY want (and the consideration of a life with that need NOT met) comes to light.  Hence the keeping of the peace short term, by not speaking up, just delays the tension and the process of a necessary rejection and ending. That would lead to party A finding someone more suitable they could have their Sound of Music style tribe of kids with and or spend time with kids with personally and or professionally, and person B finding someone that feels similarly about not having or being around kids. 


When the perceived compatibility and intimacy is based on both parties not being true to who they are and things like their core beliefs and values, it can create a kind of faux intimacy too. That “false” intimacy, might well still contain genuine love, care and respect for the differences OF the other party. But it’s also not necessarily connection based on deep, authentic, genuine compatibility, but rather imagined compatibility? Honesty, authenticity being a pillar stone of the development of authentic human connection, and trust, within a healthy, functional long term relationships of any kind. 




Also for a healthy relationship to be maintained and sustained over the long term, that same honesty also, ideally needs to be delivered with kindness, consideration, intentionality and purpose.  As the sharing of TOO much authentic honesty, without thought or regard for the consequences, can also have minor to major impacts on the quality of any given relationship.




BUT, honesty also needs to be intentional and purposeful in its expression. (What is the “just right” amount of honesty, compared to the effects of too little, or too much honesty?)


For a relationship to be sustainable long term, honesty also needs to be intentional and purposeful in its expression, relative to what purpose our sharing that particular insight or truth serves in the relationship. Plus relative to where and when the sharing of that particular truth does or doesn’t also serve the wellbeing and needs of the person in front of us. And or where it does or doesn’t also respect their unique sensitivities, triggers or wounds.  



Too much honesty without thought can also create relational tension and damage

At the other extreme to the “too little honesty” we just talked about impairing the development and progression of authentic connection, is the other extreme, where “too much authentic sharing”, without any regard for the potential impacts of our truths just spontaneously shared without thought or regard for the impact of our sharing, can also damage or, worst case, destroy human connection with another and become an obstacle to future communication and engagement with any given person.  Because it might well start to feel unsafe to be around for the other. 


A bit like Jack Nicholson’s gruff writer character (Melvin) learns with his gay artist neighbour, Simon (Greg Kinnear) and waitress friend, Carol (Helen Hunt) in the movie As Good As It Gets, as, over the course of the movie, he has no choice but to come face to face with witnessing the extreme hurt and pain that his self-centric, unfiltered sharing of his innermost self-serving thoughts , desires and choices have caused those closest to him over time. And he’s forced to feel something about it, as each MAKES him look them in the eyes and bare witness to them all crying in front of him, and telling him about the pain they feel as a result of how he has behaved. With him then grappling with what companionship and who he’s going to lose if he can’t just swallow his pride and adapt his communicating and relating approach, to better serve those who he has come to care about the most. To share with them how he really feels and adapt to treating them in a manner that more honestly reflects how much he actually cares AND respects their feelings and sensibilities too as a part of that. 


While we might well WISH that someone would just show up and love and accept us at our best AND worst, of just saying and doing whatever the hell we like, and or, who’d tolerate our toddler style temper tantrums, as a grown adult trying to create healthy relationships, I’m sorry, but on the ground, that’s just not realistically sustainable in practice.



Worst case, the damage too much brutal honesty causes, can end relationships

Because too much honesty without thought or ownership, or with self serving purpose, can also result in minor to extreme amounts of relational tension and conflict. And thus, when it becomes perceived as having violated a boundary or a core, non negotatible need, value or requirement of one party, and or the other party doesn’t seem to care about the consequences or acknowledge the need to respect or fix it, it can potentially result in relational deaths. Unless, we take the time to consider within each given relationship, what would constitute the “just right” amount of honesty (and caring action) with this particular person? And in this particular situation?




As a remedy to both too little and too much honesty alike, both early on in the relationship, and then at necessary later intervals throughout the relationship, we can practice asking each other questions about our preferred communication styles, and what works best for us and what we need. As much as we can check if there is anything that they know of that really doesn’t work for them, or really triggers them in workplace or personal communication. In other words, dig into what does good and bad communication look like to them personally? And what does resolving a concern in a healthy way look like to them? Verses a “bad” way? And then do our best to honour this. Plus reasonably adjust our future approach to be considerate of such things. 



Plus, if research tells us that the optimal balance in feedback is creating 5 positive touch points, to every 1 awkward conversation or negatively weighted piece of feedback we need to give, then we can also take the time to see, acknowledge and thank people for doing things that we appreciate and that work really well for us, when they do them, as a part of relational nurturing and building harmony and psychological safety.



As we gather such necessary information needed to better understand each other and each other’s needs, we can then be more conscious, intentional and purposeful in how we share with them. Communicating our honest truths to them, in ways that are phrased and delivered to be mindful and respectful of such things. (As well as considering our own. ) And therefore, maximise the chances of our authentic, but kind honesty being received well.


As I was writing my book, I looked at a process for assessing what exactly IS the “just right” amount of honesty. But also a process for adapting something that we want to share, into it’s most ideally receivable form. One that goes 4 steps further than the old measure of “is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” The challenge with that old adage being that almost 999 times out of 1000, almost every single person probably still deems that what they want to say IS still necessary in that moment...because in that moment, they’re FUELLED by the inner tension of trigger. Compelling them to just say it in that way, to make that person aware of SOMETHING important for them to know from our point of view. Only for us to often realise, AFTER the sharing of it  (and witnessing the aftermath, when the other reacts or responds back to us,) how much “necessary” might actually have been slanted to served US and OUR needs. BUT, not actually also to consider THEIRS? And thus, our “necessary” share potentially came at some cost to their wellbeing? Lord knows I’ve been guilty of delivering truth in a way that felt like a sledge hammer to others to receive, which is also why I developed the below process into a 7 step filter instead:




The 7 Filters- how we can litmus test if it’s “just right” to now share it?

1. Is it true? (How do we know for sure? Have we asked them if that’s how it really is for them? Or do I need to seek further clarification from them, in order to better understand what they really meant and their point of view? Am I being fully honest with myself about the truth of how I really feel, and where I’m really at too? Do I need to dig a bit deeper first?)
2. Is it accountable? (Is it all blame and accusation? Have I looked at how I might have contributed to this too and taken equal responsibility for my part in the development of the situation that is? Are there any ways in which I could have been clearer about what I needed, or where I was at, or what was required, that might have contributed to the development of this situation too? Thus, how can I take responsibility now, for communicating and or educating about what is needed going forward?) 
3. Is it valuable? (Considering the intentions, values, goals and all that I know about this relationship and or the communal environment this discussion is taking place within, is what I want to say relevant to the discussion? And in alignment with these factors? Does it add value in helping all parties move closer towards our shared goals and visions? As well as giving consideration to each parties individual ones and needs? Does it help create greater understanding, connection, compassion and or relatability between parties, over the long term?)
4. Is it balanced? Does it also identify and amply acknowledge everything that works well and is going very right? Does it also amply express my/our gratitude and appreciation for all of the things that they’re doing well and that I/we appreciate about them? Does it amply acknowledge and honour the truth of what brought us together so emphatically in the first place?
5. Is it trusting? In that it is seeing and expecting the best of them? Does it give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume innocence over deliberate, or malicious intent? Am I/we delivering it as I/we would delver it to someone who I/we trusted things to work out optimally with over the long term? Who is as equally invested as us in that optimal outcome?
6. Is it STILL necessary? (After considering all of that, do I/we still need to say it? Or is it actually something that I need to acknowledge for myself? And or can maybe resolve independently of having to involve them? Or do I need to work some “heat” out of it first, before I try and communicate what my concern/s are?)
7. Is it kind and respectful in the delivery? Is it an expression of my/our open heart and higher intelligence? Is how I’m planning to say it, delivering it with as much loving intent, compassion and respect behind it as I/we can cultivate? How can i/we deliver a painful truth with greater gentleness and mindfulness of the potential impact?) 

When we apply this, it doesn’t take the authenticity out. But it allows us to refine the delivery of our honesty, into a form that will take the most amount of anxiety and discomfort out of it, in the other’s receiving of it. It puts it in a form that increase the trust and psychological safety between us. And therefore increases both the capacity for the other party to engage. As well as increases the possibility of achieving optimal outcomes.




Not to mention that, when we lean into the awkward conversation, instead of avoid it just to keep the peace, we get to practice building both our practical skill in resolving relational injuries in a healthy way. PLUS, we get to build our emotional resilience in being able to tolerate uncomfortable relational situations on our own two independent feet. (Without having to bring in a personal or professional 3rd parties still all the time to help us get the job done.) 




As we build both, and then continue to lovingly lean into awkward conversations, paradoxically, this actually results in greater peace and harmony within the relationship. And builds our trust in that, with the right intent, we really can work through so many more things than we might have first thought were possible.




 When both parties do lean into the tension and try to heal and resolve it, remarkable things can happen.



But BOTH parties need to be equally willing to lean in to achieve that outcome.  Regrettably, for one reason or another, sometimes one or both parties just might not feel ready to, might not feel safe to, might not want to, or feel like it’s worth, or you’re worth the leaning in that would be required to work through things. And in such circumstances, there’s only so far you can fight for a thing, before you have to surrender to respecting someones free will and their choices?  And or to not further torturing both parties, trying to demand that someone work through something that they just might not be equipped in this lifetime yet, with the capacity to successfully navigate, or fully understand?



Paradoxically, when we DON’T lean into resolution and forgiveness, in order to restore our inner peace, the crazy thing is, that we actually end up holding the tension (&the trauma) of the unresolved injury. And so the wound never fully heals and we never fully find peace? 



Which I can only chalk up to being unfortunate. When I know first hand how powerfully things can be healed and transformed, when we DO find the courage to lean in. Again, last blog’s wisdom on face to face contact and eye contact, and being willing to meet people, open heart and soul, to open heart and soul, being as essential component of this process too, in the being able to see each others authentic feelings and expression as we do. And heal and transform as a result of that kind of vulnerability?


​
It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, leaning into the hard ones. There’s not only peace and healing, but growth, resilience, rebirth and renewal possible on the other side. Dare I say it, I think the world needs role models of how to successfully lean into this process now more than ever. The future of our relationships of all kinds everywhere, personal and professional, I believe, are hanging upon our willingness to try.


Thank you as always, for taking the time to read my rambling. I appreciate you xx


Until next time...


Nat 
xx

By taking the time to look each other in the eyes…and not just go through the social motions. But REALLY connect. 

But what does that really even mean? And if we often make eye contact with up to hundreds or more people a day, how do we do it in a way that allows for a more meaningful quality of connection? And do we fully understand how and when we’ve actually stopped meaningfully connecting with people, while we’re still looking right at them, during however many interactions we have with others throughout the course of a day? And why that disconnect happens? But also what can result (in terms of things blowing up) when our heart and soul centred energy and presence drops off and out of the connection? This blog is an article exploring these questions. As well as offers processes for how we can connect more intentionally and meaningfully, for the betterment of our personal and professional connections of all varieties.  And disarm many common conflicts, before they ever become a thing. Let’s start with the first question.


What does that really even mean?

At some point on social media, you’ve probably seen one of those videos where they show pairs of people, one after the other, doing a practice called eye gazing with each other? Where they sit opposite one another and, for 60-120 seconds or so, both parties are asked to say nothing and do nothing else, but just try and focus their full attention on the other person, while maintaining eye contact with them for that length of time? Traditionally, many people often find this exercise very confronting, as well as profoundly moving. 


If our eyes are the proverbial windows to the soul, and we’re allowing someone to look into our windows for that amount of time, all kinds of stuff can come up for us about what we fear that they might see inside, that we’re afraid for them to know. Or afraid of what they’d think of us, and of what might change for the worse, if they knew that we felt or thought that way, or had that thing going on? 


Other times, we might see things in the other that we might find hard to look at, that leads us to want to look away…looking right at it often means also having to feel something about it as we do. Sometimes something uncomfortable. And even worse, we might be worried that they’ll SEE in real-time, us judging, or reacting negatively to some part of them that we just saw, that mirrors back some “stuff” within us, that we’re yet to have fully made sense of. Or owned. Or worked on.


Such fearful thoughts can see us then lock ourselves up in our heads, overthinking about problems from the past, or foreseeing worrying consequences in the future, without us really, truly being THERE and present with the other in the moment. BUT, when we DO make an effort to just let all of that overthinking  go and lean into the moment with the other, remarkable things start to happen.


Inevitably during the eye gazing exercise, beyond the times where one party breaks eye contact momentarily, and then reconnects, there are so many times times where they end up smiling, laughing, spontaneously crying, looking upon the other with a sense of curiosity, greater appreciation and a level of compassion and understanding, that often defies words or explanation.  And yet somehow you’re connecting and truly comprehending and coming to understand the other, in a record amount of time. Often faster than we get to with words; trying to intellectually reason our way through a verbal conversation with them, to get to a similar level of intellectual understanding. And therein, is the truly beautiful thing about it. 


The way that it reconnects two souls, heart to heart, almost immediately. It has a way of bringing us back into deeper connection, with our true, authentic selves. And it bonds us in a level of universal wisdom and inner knowing, that somehow transcends any given thing that we might do, or experience throughout any given day, as a part of the daily business of being human. In a way that starts to make all the little things we do our own heads in worrying over every day, seem far less important in the grand scheme of things. Relative to what really matters most to us in life. 


For me, amidst all the “unsafety” one can perceive at times in interacting with the darker side of human behaviour (and the stress, exhaustion, emotional overwhelm, pain and trauma that often lie at the centre of it,)  connecting with people’s eyes in that way, actually feels to me like the safest and most appealing place on the planet to co-exist with any given other.  We get to the heart and the deeper purpose within all those things there.



It’s the place I feel, where we remember who we really are and why we’re really here. Resting in this place, we become inspired to want to bring forward the best of us, for the benefit of others. And in this place, all the conditions, the fight flight reactivity, the pain and triggers and the urge to play in any of it, start to melt away, and give way to the pure experience of a higher, more unconditional kind of love. And give way to being moved to show up and be and do what that higher, unconditional form of  love would do. 


As I was saying to some colleagues recently, I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that I live for connecting meaningfully with others in this way. And for finding ways to connect others in this way. Once you’ve experienced the vast benefits (and the hits of human bonding hormones that you get in the process, like oxytocin, and or the hit of serotonin that comes too when we’re connecting with others in a way that feels safe and secure), it’s hard to want to go back to the ‘old’ way of relating. Because of how much clearer, easier, more honouring, more peaceful and how much psychologically safer AND effective communication becomes when done with eyes and hearts truly connected. Plus how easily common, everyday conflicts, AND especially bigger relational conflicts, can so easily be deescalated and resolved in the energy of this kind of meaningful, eye to eye connection. Not to mention how much faster we can establish and nurture the right kind of relationships, for the right reasons, within this energy. 


Though, yes, the complexity and the price of entry to stay over for longer periods in that soulfully, eye-connected space, is the ownership we inevitably have to take of what comes up for us in the process of going there, that might make us want to run away from going anywhere near it.  So if we want to spend more of our time residing with a greater range of humans in this eye, heart and soul connected communication space, let alone show up in service to them in some way, in a really high quality way, and get much better quality experiences and outcomes from that time, then that means we’ve got some work to do on healing all the limiting beliefs. judgements and “stuff” we’re hanging onto, that’s getting in the way of us all being able to experience that kind of pure, soul-level love.


Some or the beliefs and judgements most commonly getting in the way, for example, relate also to stranger danger, or societal norms about who it is and isn’t socially acceptable to connect with in this more authentic, and deeper way. And what it must mean if someone looks at you in this way. Like“if someone looks at me like that, it must mean they’re sexually or romantically attracted to me, but that’s not what I want with them.”  Combined with “it freaks me out and is not ok to make eye contact with anyone but a romantic partner, or someone really close to me in that way.” Or “it’s not ok to connect deeply and meaningfully with people at my work, or in my work.” (Why though? Does it really mean what we think it means? And what is the resistance REALLY about behind that? What are we really afraid is going to happen if we do? What experience, or outcome, are we trying to avoid? Or what action are we maybe worried that we’ll do? Or what reaction are we worried that we’ll have? What might we be worried that we can’t handle?



In addition to having a lot of fears related to seeing or being seen, we also have A LOT of conditions, don’t we, about who can love who, and exactly how and where and when we’re allowed to do that!? Let alone, in our culture that’s now become so self obsessed with personal needs and boundaries, God forbid we should risk coming to care about, or have invested any time and energy in the “WRONG” kind of person? 


The funny thing is though, that soul level love has SO MANY thousands of layers of potential expression more to it, than ONLY intimate, or romantic attachment. Or only the close attachments we allow ourselves to feel with parents or children, siblings, close family members or best friends. But in my personal experience, sometimes it’s not that we can’t experience greater love, or depth of connection with a whole range of others. Like some random stranger at a therapeutic event, or the chatty person at the bus stop. Or the friend, or adopted child, who we might end of considering and adopting as a part of our proverbial “soul family,” with equal emotional investment considered ‘normal’ to someone in our biological family of origin. But it’s often that we’re actually making a choice, for whatever reason, NOT to. 


Which is fine, we all have free will. And the right to ask for that free will to be respected by others. But the trade off, if we continue to hold so many limiting beliefs about love’s expression, is that we might also risk blocking out and missing out on the potential of some really growth-eliciting, healing, or transformative, not to mention emotionally meaningful human experiences at times too, because of the barriers we’ve put up TO love.  We might miss what higher purpose this interaction potentially held for us? And what potential growth and gifts were on offer to both parties, as a result of this experience? IF we so chose to engage with them. Whether total strangers, or the people we spend the most time with.



Other times, quite understandably in this day and age, we also might just not have the time, the energy or the ability to go there.   (Sad, isn’t it though, that our modern life and vast investment in productivity hacks and pursuit of convenience, has somehow cost us the time and capacity to prioritise equally, deep and meaningful connection???)


WHERE AND WHEN OUR PRESENCE DROPS OFF IN EVERY DAY LIFE


Other times, when we DO actually want to have meaningful interactions with others, there can be other factors, like fatigue, or exhaustion, work or life stress, emotional overwhelm from dealing with too much at once in our hectic modern life, or trauma, that can impair our capacity to stay open to having those meaningful, face to face engagements.


When we’re hyper busy

When we get hyper busy, e.g. while we’re getting slammed with task on top of 40-400 other requests, tasks or meetings at work, when there’s a task and to do list at home and or elsewhere in our personal lives, that feels like there are 100 things to get done urgently by the end of the day, for the several different parties currently demanding our attention, the connection part often goes out the window? Why? 


For some of us, it’s because we’ve gone into what I call “get shit done” mode, where you’re trying to get to the bottom of what the problem is, in no more than a paragraph, so that you can engineer a solution just as fast, and then move onto the next concern. You don’t want, or mean to cut people off from the amount of time and attention you WISH you had to give them. BUT, when you have a line of 5-800 people and or tasks to get through, or 3-50-400 kids coming at you with their competing needs and demands at a time, and only X amount of time to get to all of them in, we’ve got to get and stay solution focused to be able to make tangible progress. And or to effectively delegate what we can, to who else we might also have available to help with the load.



While there’s ways to ensure quality of connectivity in these moments despite brevity, there’s only so much time and therefore depth of exploration we can give each person in the queue at times. Regardless of how much time and energy they may want, or need. So there can be time related limits. And, then there can be energy related limits.  


When we’re tired, stressed and overwhelmed (and or trauma triggers kick in)

As the day goes on, the whole time, the demand for our energy, presence and attention stays the same, while our energy levels and optimal level of responsiveness, are slowly on the decline, the further we get through the day. 


If it’s been a hard day, a hard week, a hard month, or a hard couple of years, and thus we’re feeling stressed and our bodies are operating largely now in fight-flight mode, our emotional resilience and tolerance of external stress, including of other people’s reactivity, can also be down on what we ideally need it to be. Sometimes just because our internal energetic batteries only last so long, before we need time to sit down and recharge. 


Other times, when there’s A LOT going on,  because our attention and energy has started to go back inwards, and or possibly diverted to defensive strategies, to maximise our risk of survival. Which means that we’re beaming less love and intent to be of loving service unconditionally outwards. And therefore, we’re not watching the other party, and or listening to them, with the same level of grounded calmness, presence, attentiveness and enthusiasm, to what we were earlier in the day…and surprise surprise, they can actually feel that! And this is where many of the fights begin over needs not met. Particularly if our energy is down enough now that we react back, instead of responding back to the task and situation at hand.  



Unresolved wounds and traumas, and triggers related to them, can be a contributing factor to our lack of availability here too, when a particular trigger kicks in, and then pulls our focus into acknowledging some unhealed imprint of experience past, that is leading us to tend to react, or respond in a particular way towards a circumstance we perceive to be similarly challenging in the present moment. So that our energy then gets pulled into certain levels of the fight-fight-freeze-or fawn cascade of responses.




BUT then we’re also distracted from giving our energy and attention to the person in the present moment, by being simultaneously preoccupied with BOTH the experience of the past trauma that we’re reliving, but also now potentially reenacting with yet another person in the present moment. ALL of which, can distract us from actually SEEING, and FEELING and INTERACTING with the actual person right in front of us, in the present moment.




Trauma has a way thus, of getting in the way of the accuracy of communication and the perception of another’s true meaning. Because trauma effectively projects a movie about the situation, onto a movie screen that’s sitting 5 cm in front of the person you’re talking to’s face. And then the person WITH the trauma trigger, talks to the movie image, as though it WERE the person, instead of to the actual person behind it. While the other party, 5 cm behind the projector screen, stands there baffled and mystified as to who on earth this person is actually talking to in this moment, because they’re seemingly having a whole dialogue with someone that they're struggling to understand how it actually relates to THEM. So God help us when BOTH parties are then triggered at the SAME TIME, talking to 2 different projections, but not actually to each other! NO ONE is perceiving the other accurately in that situation, UNTIL, one or both parties realise that they’re “triggered” and “projecting.” And then come back into tuning into each other in the present moment.


In all instances above, managing our own defences and reactivity also takes a level of energy that we might now be depleted of, while the expectations of our personal or professional time, or both at the same time, still stay the same. Until such time as we communicate where we’re at to the other party, to effectively manage the expectations of others, in line with what we do have available to give in this moment. And what we may need to postpone until a later time. Or delegate potentially to someone else (where and when that’s possible,) in order to ensure that they get their needs addressed in the most optimal of ways.  And or, get a MUCH higher quality of engagement FROM us.




When we’ve never been taught how, or been given an opportunity to practice connecting with others in this deep, authentic, meaningful way


Yet other times, some of us just grew up without role modelling or teachings on how to manage any of these things above effectively, in work or personal life. Other times, unless we’ve had specific customer service training, therapeutic training, or communication skills or leadership skills training, we might never have been specifically taught HOW to build rapport, trust and safety with others in social settings. Or how to build rapport and connection meaningfully in personal and professional situations. And thus, have we come to understand how and why focussing our attention outward to listen to the other first, why focusing on asking the other questions about them (before we just talk about us and what we want or need), or why things like direct eye contact and or mirroring of body language, for example, are so important in social interaction? Without such training or experience with these practices, we might not yet understand the importance of being (what Mentors of mine once called) “attention out” and “fully present” with others.  (As opposed to us being so intently focused on how it affects us, and what WE and our manifestation list get out of the dynamic.) 


Other times, we just might not have been raised in, or had the benefit of socialising or working in environments or industries where people were particularly embodying more deep and authentic forms of human connection. Or maybe we just grew up in settings or circumstances with others, where others needs always came before our own? So that we had to shut down and become hyper-independent in having to meet our own needs, rather than having had an opportunity to practice being more open, authentic and vulnerable with others about who we are, where we’re at, what we care about and what we need? That later in life, when someone finally shows up sincerely interested in us and deeply concerned about things like our happiness, our growth and with meeting our needs TOO, we can be unsure how the freaking hell to be with that? Let alone what to say and do back, to meet them back in this dynamic? One in which, heaven forbid, what might actually EXACTLY what we need too?) 



That’s just a handful of reasons we can be internally UNavailable to show up to these kinds of meaningful eye contact moments. While we might have many of these as humans in common, the exact things getting in the way for any given one of us, are often highly unique. And require a bespoke, uniquely tailored approach to get to the bottom of and resolve each person’s unique set of “blocks” to the experience and expression of greater love.



Some of it though, is somewhat universal. So what I CAN give you for today, is a process for HOW we can do the whole eye gazing thing with others, in a way that maximises the quality of the many of the different kinds of human connections that can exist between us and any given other. Personal or professional.


(It’s basically a training process in a blog, so feel free to take a break and come back to this with attention at full and ready to take notes, because, put into practice, these next bits can and WILL change your life for the better in the most wonderful ways. BUT, that being said, also, if and when people start inadvertently thinking that they’re falling in love with you more of the time, please DON’T blow up my inbox SHOOTING the messenger! Please DO just ask me for a session to discuss, and to ask any questions that you might have about any of this, k? Ok, now let’s continue….)



THE PROCESS: How do we do that form of meaningful “eye gazing,” rather than just regular old eye contact then?

Getting there, requires us setting some specific intentions first about how we want to interact; ones that totally change the experience of the dynamic. Before we also need to do some specific actions while with the person, that lead to that deeper level of heart centred, soulful presence. 

• First, before you start talking to the person or people, do whatever you can self care wise, to get you and your energy in the right place first. Where you can, hydrate, eat, take care of your basic needs, silence phones and or notifications and get your head and energy in the right space, BEFORE you step into the room. Next:

 

• As with mindfulness or meditation, start by taking some deep, slow breaths, in out and out. Then plant and feel your feet on the ground in the present moment. And intend to first bring all of the energy of you (and your soulful presence ) fully into yourself.

If there were a little icon, like the battery icon on your mobile phone that represented your body, imagine inhabiting and filling up the whole thing, from your feet, to your head, and the electromagnetic field circulating all around you, fully up with the energy of you. Intend also to connect with your heart and your higher intelligence. Eg, the intuitive, all-knowing part of you that can download and provide you all the answers that you need to navigate this interaction with the greatest amount of loving care, ease, efficiency and grace. If there are benevolent ‘higher” consciousnesses (whatever your name for them) on your proverbial spiritual support team that you connect with for support, now would also be a great time to ask them for help with creating an optimal experience and outcome with this person/group of people. And or for protection/help with managing any 3rd party influences that might seek to interfere or get in the way of the realisation of the desired outcome. Once you’ve done that, then (& I cannot emphasise ENOUGH how game changing level important these next steps really are:)

• Bring your attention outwards, out of your head and into the present moment. Start noticing the sounds around you, and then the things you can feel in your body, like the breeze (or air con) or sunlight on your skin, or the feel of a chair underneath you, or the feel of your clothes against your skin. As well as nothing what things around you, can you see? Once you’ve done that:

 

• Bring your full attention to the person in front of you, and what you can notice about them. We’re looking here to tune into not just their eyes, but their subtle facial expressions, their body language and their energy too.  As you do:

 

• set these intentions too of:

a) being of higher service to the other within this moment 


b) look for the best within them and things to appreciate and be grateful for about them 


c) expect the best of them


d) be open to believing in and receiving the best possible outcome with them*. 
(*especially if you have a known history of trauma, and or a tendency towards negativity bias and hyper-vigilantly looking for signs of more stranger dangerin others, practicing a)-d) becomes even MORE important, to retrain your brain to instead come from a place of trust, by making a deliberate effort to look for these things about others INSTEAD.)


e) switch into being the observer and the listener (instead of being the speaker and just waiting for your turn to speak.)

Be willing to listen fully in order to come to understand the other party and what meaning they’re truly trying to impart to us in their non verbal communication AND their words, as distinct from what we THINK they mean and just said. (Remember, we never really know for sure, until we ask, and would do well to always consider what we THINK they mean, to be an assumption, a yet unproven hypothesis, until we get verbal confirmation FROM them, that they do or don’t really mean, what we THOUGHT that they meant. Also:


f) be willing to lean in and stay present, no matter what comes up…even if gets uncomfortable. 

(It can help to remind and reassure ourselves with thoughts like, that the discomfort won’t last forever, that we’re not alone, if these people, and our spiritual support team, have our back, then we ARE safe… and there will be more love and happy, positives to come, to balance out this moment… and life rarely gives us anything that we’re not equipped to handle too. Plus it also helps  remembering why this connection is worth the time and effort, or why we do what we do, as a few examples of things that will help us stay IN, rather than pull OUT of the moment.)


g) intend to stay open, compassionate and suspend judgment of whatever comes up in this space, without needing to respond in any way to it yet.

(Carl Rogers once called this meeting a client with what he called “unconditional positive regard” while listening to them for as long as they needed to be heard.”) While practically we may not be able to do that, like him, for the length of a therapy session, the point is to listen to understand, while trying not to pass judgment, just acknowledge where they’re at and their experience, before trying to move to anything else. Which also requires, 


h) complete and total ownership of our own sh%t

(our triggers, our feelings, our urges to react etc) when they come up (in real life situations, instead of allowing ourselves to get pulled into hurling our reactivity straight back at them in response to however they show up.) People’s perception of our psychological safety to be around, actually goes up drastically when we both intend to do this AND, in everyday life, when they see live evidence of us actually doing it live in the moment.) Which is why intending to be self accountable is SO very important to this meaningful dynamic manifesting in real time. Which brings me too:


i) give some consideration to how you can show up in order to help them personally feel more comfortable and safe throughout the length of the dynamic.

Consider “what could I be thinking AT them and what energy could I be sending them right now, while looking at them, that makes it safer for them to open up to having this experience with me and helps them feel both seen, valued, respected and supported?” (Which can be something as simple as think AT them “it’s ok, I got you. I’m right here with you. Feel me sending you care, love and warm, good, positive vibes. I want you to feel heard, seen, valued, safe and supported. I want you to feel happy and fulfilled. How can I help? What do you need? I want to help you find a solution to this problem. I genuinely want to help you grow, to be happy, to feel fully seen, respected and supported,” as a few examples. (Depending on what context you’re witnessing this person within, what intent you set and send, might obviously change.) It might also involve given consideration to noticing things like what specific things triggers them (in the environment around us, with others, or perhaps about my tone of voice, approach, current mood or energy?) What appears to challenge or be a struggle for them…and how can I both be respectful of, AND support them to stay present in this space, DESPITE that?


People can totally feel it though when we do this. As much as they can feel the weight of ANY positive or negative thing we think at them in the process, when some part of us is secretly thinking we’d literally rather be anywhere else. AND they can feel it when our attention wanders, and or if our energy is depleted or drops off. So if your attention does happen to wander at any point, don’t stress, but DO:


j) forgive yourself and try again.

Forgive yourself for being a normal human in 2024, trying to navigate all the noise of life and social interaction and just re-focus on the other party again. Rejoin eye contact. Tune your attention back outwards again to noticing everything that goes on with their eyes, their subtle facial expressions and their energy as you keep looking at each other. And if you find your attention wanders again at any point, or you get distracted, forgive yourself again and come back again to focusing on listening to and noticing all that’s going on with their face, body language, expressions and energy. Until there’s a need to verbally respond. 



In the exercise version of this, at the end of the 60sec-2min exercise, you would normally then have a quick verbal check in with each other about what you just experienced with each other and how that was for both of you. In practicing this in every day life and the natural flow of conversation though, you would simply reserve any observations that came to you in the process, until the next moment in the conversation where the other has finished their point and it’s now your opportunity to respond. Any questions that you have about what they’re experiencing or what they mean, can organically be clarified then.




How to use the process above to deescalate tension when someone gets triggered


Extended into doing these practices as a conflict deescalation technique at work or in every life personal life, when someone starts to become reactive, the idea would be to then start from the top of the process above, (switch into your heart and soulful consciousness, ground and centre yourself within yourself fully and set all those intentions above, and slow down your own breathing.) Before then attempting to get their eye contact directly. Then:

• slow things down and lead with maintaining the quality of connection that you want them to return to and to continue the dynamic in.

Avoid where you can getting pulled into meeting and matching them on conflictual pace, energetic intensity, or body language at this point. But instead deliberately BREAK rapport with them now, to take the lead, with your breathing, your body language, your energy, your heart and soul centred intent AND words. To slow and calm things down. But also to raise the quality of the interaction back up into the energy of how you imagine 2 people who sincerely cared about the other would ideally show up to resolving an issue (e.g. with kindness, respect and mindfulness of how the way that we handle this, may impact the future of this dynamic.)

• Intend to call the highest part of THEM back into interacting with and meeting you in the same energy, with the same kind of intentions set above.

Send them love and whatever energy you think will help them feel safe in this moment. And think at them something like “I see you. See me, feel me seeing you, I’m here for you, I’m here to listen to you, I want you to feel safe and supported. I want to help. Please tell me, how can I help? What do you need?” If it’s someone close to and really significant for you too, I would also add some positives around “you mean the world to me, I really appreciate you and I don’t want to fight with you, I want to work this out. And I want to better understand how to do that. I want us both to feel safe and I’m all in to find ways through this that work for us both better. I’m here, I’m totally willing to work with you on that.” “I’d love to/it’s really important to me to find a mutually beneficial way through this.” Or any version of something similar that comes to you.


The more you take a moment to just make eye contact with them, smile at them and “hold your frame,” as dancers would say, while you’re thinking these things at them, the better. Because the more time you pause, the more time they have to calm down out of “fight mode” or “flight mode” or “freeze mode.” (And you do too.) And the more you lead with this energy and stay in that, the more most people will actually adjust to match and mirror YOUR energy and intent actually. So hold strong to maintaining your presence and calling “the true soulful them” (beyond all the wounding and earthy drama) back into this dynamic with you. To work this out in a way that leaves both of you feeling better off and stronger for the experience.


In a real life discussion, as soon as one of you realises that escalation into an argument or trigger is happening, it only takes one of you realising and then deciding to take the lead to start to bring it back. Even better when we both start to realise, then acknowledge and bring it back in time ideally to continue productively. Worst case, if things do start to get heated, from there onwards, we can name it and agree to take a moment to slow things down, to centre ourselves and reconnect in the energy of kindness, respect, safety and trust. With the intent of rejoining the chat with a better, more connected, calmer energy at an agreed point after. 


You’ll also find that this process will work a lot quicker with people you know. BUT, in public settings, it will be harder at times, with some people, to get them to come back out of fight mode. Why? Stranger danger. It takes time to build the initial rapport, trust and safety between 2 people, the kind that will allow them to lower any defences a little. Out of hyper-vigilance and threat-assessment mode.


Plus things have changed from the 90’s, in which movies like Fight Club once talked about the phenomenon of how almost EVERYONE back then, would do literally ANYTHING to AVOID a fight. Welcome to 2024, where it often feels like almost EVERYONE is constantly ready for one, at a moments notice. But definitely where almost everyone living in a major city CONSTANTLY lives in a state of chronic HYPER-overstimulation, overwork, overstress and overwhelm. Addicted to the adrenaline of being constantly busy.  

Which means that more people than ever are now constantly walking the world in a state of flight flight activation, ready for a fight at a moments notice. Often needing one, in fact, to both GET that next hit of adrenaline, AND discharge all that excess mental, emotional and nervous energy, ahead of many having any other practice in place to help them to feel ok again. Or the self awareness of the need to do so. 


So you will find that, in moments, these processes might take a little longer to work on total strangers, in public settings, or people who have already approached you, clearly wanting to start a fight about something. Or about something that might REALLY be about something else. In such instances, I still do everything above, step for step . BUT, I find that it’s most important in such instances that you back up the non-verbal actions with words. And (because fight flight and trigger activated brains sometimes take a while to register the message, because of that projector screen in front, REPEAT the verbal message.) So finally:

• be ready to verbally back up the energy of the intentions you were sending at them, with words that both acknowledge and validate their feelings and concerns, But also communicate exactly that heart centred, soulful, service based intent to them out loud, as a way of establishing initial rapport and safety, by reinforcing that you are an ally (not the enemy) and you really care.  

For that one person that just won’t back down from the fight

If, after some time, they stay committed to still aggressively communicating with you, then you might also have to: 

• name the behaviour that’s going on

(.e.g. it feels like we’re getting off topic from finding a solution, to getting stuck in arguing in the fine detail, our tone is becoming aggressive or argumentative/the language being used feels abusive/the emotional intensity (or charge) with which you’re communicating this to me right now is making me feel uncomfortable or unsafe) and:

• suggest an alternate way to navigate this more effectively going forward. 

Eg “I want to work this out with you/I want to help, but I’d appreciate it if we could please continue this with words, a tone and energy that conveys greater kindness and respect for each other, and supports both parties to feel comfortable and safe.” And or then bring focus back to how both parties can work together towards a resolution. E.g. “so what is it that you need from me from right now?” “What can I help you with right now?” “What action would you like me to take?” “How would you like things to be different in the future?” “How can I/we respond differently in future?” Then you would negotiate your way through the appropriate options, until you land one that can best work both ways. Many people, in realising what was going on, will then adjust tact. And likely shortly after apologise for any discomfort caused by their words or tone. And people that you know well might inquire further as to exactly what specific behaviours or actions they need to take differently, to ensure that they fully understand what else is required of them, to bring about a better future outcome next time. BUT, if they still refuse to back down from the fighting words and energy, and you don’t want to do that with them, then in really, clear, concise and direct language that a 5-7 year old could comprehend, then you might need to:

• set a boundary by naming exactly what the concern is and the terms of engagement that you will re-engage with them on. Invite them/tell them that they’re welcome to continue this with you when they can reengage on those terms that you just mentioned.

(Make sure you give them a chance to respond again In the positive, before escalating to threatening an ending to the discussion.) But, if they still can’t or won’t, then make it clear that the following types of actions will need to happen. For example

• you will need to call in support, or (at work) engage a colleague or Manager to help address their concern.  .
• for now, ask them to take a break break before you resume, to leave, or leave yourself.

State that you want to work this out and help, but it’s becoming abusive/aggressive/unsafe, you’ve laid out the requirements of engaging further, but for now, you need to ask them to please take a break, or you yourself need to take a break for now, UNTIL we can resume this discussion with calmness, kindness and respect. Worst case, if they’re still highly aggressive or become physically abusive:

• Escalate your concern and or get help where necessary: If this continues in a way that leads to others or yourself feeling unsafe, you don’t want to have to, but you’ll have to call Security or the Police. UNLESS they can adjust tact.

(Hopefully then, they will. But with that odd one in the bunch who still won’t back down, you may just need to follow through on that. And depending on the circumstance and the requirements of the particular space you’re in, if it’s a personal circumstance, get out of there. Or if it’s in a communal or work setting, work collaboratively with others, and with respect to also following whatever procedures parties are required to in that space, to keep you and anyone else in the vicinity you might be responsible for safe. Hopefully it never comes to this.



Sometimes in life, unfortunately, there’s just nothing for it, but showing that one someone who is absolutely committed to the fight, that you absolutely won’t be putting up with their aggressive, abusive, adult tantrem behaviour, or any behaviour, intentional or not, that either feels unsafe to be around, or might result in physical as much as psychological harm to be around, while they’re failing to take responsibility for and manage it.  Because they won’t always have the awareness of the need to stop, or learn a different way, until someone has the loving audacity to point out the problematic behaviour. And or until there is a consequence for it, that becomes the intrinsic motivator that leads to change.



Inevitably though, I do believe the kind of higher, soulful energy that the practices in this blog bring forward, I think, is just as crucial a factor in someone finding that very intrinsic motivation to do so. Through them being reconnected with what is possible to experience, through others leading with the very loving, higher energy that these practices bring forward for them to experience.


Having done my best (not always won) at utilising these processes in this article in practice, with up to 1000’s of people a day in a range of different public facing professional settings, over 15 years, and even with stats on public aggression in customer service and human service settings, as well as domestic settings, being at the worst ithey've been in a long time, I’ve found that the vast majority of people will STILL prefer to realign with a kinder and more optimal, mutually beneficial outcome. And will respond quickly to our soulful request/s to meet us back with the most soulful version of themselves, and love, kindness and respect, despite our wrongdoings. Asking for a little bit of higher dimensional help with that, in my personal experience, also has a way of expediting the ease and speed of the process. But the INTENT that we show up with in these circumstances, REALLY IS EVERYTHING.


And while I can’t guarantee that the above processes will work on 100% of people, 100% of the time, what I DO feel extremely confident in affirming, is that they WILL dramatically improve the quality of engagement and the outcome that you will achieve with the VAST MAJORITY of people. Whether strangers, or the people we know well and or who mean the most to us, for both parties to get it right.


Ok, so we got pretty deep and heavy there for a bit. So lets now take a breath and lighten it back up to finish.



A final word on meaningful connection...

In any case, the next time any of you hear me talk about the importance of really, truly connecting meaningfully with people, face to face, eye to eye, heart and soul, to heart and soul, in personal and professional settings, now hopefully you’ll have a better idea of what specifically that means. Plus what in practice that looks like and HOW to do it. My hope is that you’ll find many little bits and pieces in here that help set off some light bulbs of reflecting on how you could manage this one thing with this one particular person going forward. Or apply some of this in future at work. Or at home. And that hopefully you find some renewed hope, enthusiasm and inspiration in that.


While not everybody may be ready for, or want to go to the level of depth authentic connection to which an exercise in eye gazing might take us, and we need to be willing to respect that, at the same time, knowing how beautiful, how meaningful and how graceful relating with greater authenticity and soulful presence can be, I can’t help but be an advocate for the fact that I think the vast benefits that come to us from practicing it, far exceed the discomfort of the work and growth it can take to be able to open and stay open to this level of connection. 


While the situation or circumstance that we’re applying it in may dictate what is and isn’t viewed as appropriate behaviour in that setting, to be seen, to be held, to love and be loved while moved by this degree of higher level love, is truly a beautiful, precious and remarkable thing. And so many of the worlds little and big problems could be so quickly and easily resolved if we were to look at each other and act from that level of love, more of the time.


Until next time…

QUESTION: HOW MUCH OF YOUR  PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL TIME DO YOU SPEND COMPLAINING ABOUT THINGS WITH OTHERS vs INVESTING TIME IN BUILDING AND STRENGTHENING THE CONNECTION WITH THEM?

Underneath almost every form of Coaching or Group Leadership I’ve ever done, at some point, even if we’re talking about business or communication, or Leadership, because human connection is so very important to us and pillar-stone crucial to our wellbeing, inevitably, all conversations often lead back to the same place; talking about the quality of the most significant relationships around us. (For clarity sake, “significant” might mean either they’re someone we spend vast numbers of hours of our work week with. And/or it might cover the people that we also hold in our inner circle of family, friends and or community, wanting a better quality of engagement with. )   People who we often desire ease and flow of communicating and relating with them. 


The trouble is, we’re human. And humans often have very different ways of seeing and doing things, have different beliefs and values about HOW we should or shouldn’t do things (relative to whatever rules, values or guidelines we’re also held to in particular situations, like work.) And sometimes we just flat out want different things. While simultaneously having a common vision, set of goals, values, set of interests, qualities and skill sets that brought us together in the first place. That are, and remain our continuing point of unity, connection and interest over time.


There’s no way around it really, the reality is that life is a constant set of continuous negotiations between us and others, so as to ideally find the mutually beneficial ‘sweet spot’ where both parties feel seen,  met and accounted for, so that we can feel optimally, and perform optimally, in any given situation. 


Complaint often being what organically happens when we come up against friction (rubbing up against our points of difference) in the process of doing that. Part of the key to getting through the complaining to others (or to others about others) about what’s not working, to an optimal outcome, involves:


1) acknowledging what the issue really is for me
2) considering where too is the other party at and what are their needs too (if I don’t know, how can I find out?)
3) what can I do to address that optimally? And 
4) how and when am I going to do that? 


💕 PERSPECTIVE & 💕 DISCERNMENT 

Sometimes it also helps to maintain some perspective on how big a deal this one thing actually is or isn’t, relative to what we truly value as most important in life. To check in against what IS most important (to us and them) and ask, is it really worth letting this one little thing (like a dish on the sink, or a pen, or screw left in the wrong place, or that one thing someone said in a certain way, blow up into something we stew over ALL DAY, or DAYS until we next see the person? Let alone brew into a fight? Or do we fact check ourselves a little on perspective? Like “nobody is actually doing heart surgery here, nobody is dying, is it really that big a deal? And is it possible also that some of this is more about me and my “stuff” than it actually has to do with them in the present? In which case, do I even NEED to involve them to fix it? Or do I actually need to work on ME and how I am contextualising this; eg, what am I making it mean in my mental life story, vs what is the ultimate truth of what it reallly means in reality?) Hence, is it really worth investing SO MUCH energy into letting this become such a big deal and a drama between me and them on the outside? Or is it actually so simple that I could solve it in a simple 1 to 4 line exchange with them? 


💕DISCERNMENT 
Or is it actually something that I can just get over for myself, and thus doesn’t even need to be said at all? (E.g. relative to the scope, goals, values and requirements of this relationship, discerning- is there benefit and mutual benefit likely to come from this, that it’s worth me raising this concern with them? Or is it something i could either heal, or put in perspective for myself? And/ or just let go as ‘the little stuff’ that’s not worth really making a big deal over?) 

Ideally we can get there, without us needing to have to go through a REAL life or death crises situation with someone we love, to remind us of what is really most important in the grand scheme of things. To get us to then realise, who actually cares about the stupid bill due date, or the pen or screw, if this was one of the last moments i’ll ever get to spend with this person? If it was, is freaking out over the cup/bill/pen/scree really how i’d really want to spend it? 

Gaining perspective sometimes comes through considering, If you KNEW that this one moment WAS the last one that you’d have with this person in front of you, how would you show up differently in this situation instead, to how you’re considering showing up now?  

Some of you have heard this story already, but the story I often tell about this  (which will lead us also to some other things we can do to counter complaining when it starts to become a habit of us constantly seeing the worst and the negative, before the positive) relates to a thing that happened 2 days before my 9th birthday. At which time my Mum (who was an incredibly beautiful human, to the point that people are still often telling me how much she positively impacted their lives, 34 years later) was terminally ill, in palliative care, and took a turn for the worst. One of several in truth by this point, so that it was now becoming the new expectation of normal. BUT this one, it turned out, would be the worst. Right as I was being dropped off for a party for my birthday, as much as a moment of respite from the intensity of it all. Only to be picked up again shortly after by my Dad and Maternal Grandpa, who took my little bro and i for a drive then the the beach, to tell us that the new plan, given this latest turn, was now to let Mum go and we were on our way to the hospital to say our final Goodbye. (Again, but for REAL this time.) But, by the time we then got to the hospital, they told us she’d actually just passed away about 5 minutes ago.  


So as it turned out, the last goodbye I’d said, was the previous day. And it was a pretty standard one of many. That I’d taken for granted as just another one in the daily routine of perpetually coming & going from this hospital, as though this would never end. Love and immunocompromised physical intimacy concerns observed. In other words, NOT showing the level of love, or saying or having done the things I now wished I could’ve, while taking for granted that I still had more time to say and do such things at some future date, to someone who meant so much…and while I’ve since told her what I should’ve said many times, and I WAS only 9, I too came to feel she deserved so much more than how I showed up in that precious, previous moment. Welcome to why I’m now a perpetual pain in the ass of of high standards, in asking OTHERS to show up in every day moments 🤣🤭🤷‍♀️🩷. 


I hope you don’t, but I fear that one day, for whatever earthly reason, you too might find that you won’t HAVE another opportunity left with someone to say or do the things that you wish you had’ve with them that REALLY mattered, when you had the chance. 


Out of that moment (& others), I learned some powerful lessons about:

 
💕a) PERSPECTIVE & DISCERNMENT- chilling out about what does and doesn’t really matter most in life and what does and doesn’t actually need to be said. But also 

💕 b) PRESENCE- the importance of showing up and being REALLY present in each and every moment we have with people, and making the most of that moment, as though we might not get another chance.  We might well feel like we only have 50%, instead of 110% to give today…and yet, it’s important that we still give what we have, WHEN we have the chance.

💕c) APPRECIATION- really seeing, taking stock of what makes each person in front of us so unique and special and a gift to the world. Being grateful for what gifts, qualities, vibes they bring to the table. As much as taking the time to appreciate their unique ‘quirks’ and ‘learnings’ that they bring to the table for us. But more than that, also

💕d) SHARING out loud those, loving, appreciative, meaningful things we think and feel about the other often, as a habit. 


Granted sometimes, yes, they might not be wanted by some, from us in particular, compared to others. Or certain types of them might not be wanted. Or some people may not be ready for, or feel deserving of, or entitled to be receiving them from us. So sometimes being good at human connection also involves reading the room on when to say it once, without attachment and then let it go. Or to read when it’s just not wanted or situationally appropriate to say that thing to them, and might cause more discomfort, than comfort to say it.  


(That being said, respecting boundaries being so important, I honestly think we’re also totally lost too when we start behaving as a culture by default as though NOONE ever wants to hear the kinds of positive insights, praise or compliments that can and do form the very foundations of building from the start, and then maintaining connection, rapport, trust and psychological safety. Because we’ve become so paranoid about what it will mean, how it will be taken  and the potential consequences of getting it wrong, that now we’re afraid to say anything at all? Such heightened paranoia is also making it difficult at times to connect anymore, too often?) But the point here….



💕POSITIVELY FOCUSED RELATIONAL NURTURING & MAINTENANCE 
​
As a remedy to getting stuck habitually in a pattern of seeing the worst and expecting the worst of others in any given situation, and then constantly communicating the negatives to others (or taking about those negatives WITH 3rd party others) sometimes taking time to do these above relational nurturing behaviours, eg taking the time to come back to looking for the best in others, to taking stock of all there is to appreciate about them, to noticing those things that are most important within the connection, as well as to taking stock of the things about it that absolutely completely DO still work, is key, to the maintenance of the garden that is any given shared connection. 


That not just helps us pull out the seedlings of the weeds of complaint, before they really have time to send down enough roots to get lastingly established and multiply. (If where we focus our energy and attention grows that very thing, then complaint feeds more complaint.) But you can also think of taking stock of what’s most important, what DOES work, and especially what we DO still have in common, as common ground, as the water, fertiliser and the trestle or netting we put around the plants in our relational garden, that helps them grow up big and strong. AND that provide protection and allow the plants to heal and repair, after some injury has happened within the relationship. 



😱 WHEN EXHAUSTION, STRESS, TRAUMA AND NEGATIVITY BIAS GET IN THE WAY

Sometimes we might forget to do these positively focused, relationship nurturing behaviours for understandable reasons. For example, when we’re potentially stressed out and exhausted, or have a lot of mental health or trauma stuff going on, these things can have us running often in fight-flight ‘survive’ mode. Not really feeling safe in our surrounds. And when we feel unsafe, out of self protection, our mind will often develop a negativity bias, while it’s trying to spot that one sign that we’re in danger, and to anticipate it 10 moves ahead of time, in order to best protect us and others from any further harm. While it means well in trying to prevent harm, the paradoxical thing is that, if it leads to us only ever seeing the negatives with people and situations, and only ever expecting the worst outcome, it can actually end up CAUSING more harm than it actually prevents.


Not to mention can repel and separate us from others, by being so focused all the time on what is wrong with them, that we just don’t recognise and celebrate the very things about it that are still so right. In which case, the other can end up feeling like nothing they or others do is ever right or good enough, which can begin to then cause them to shut down and start pulling away. Or wondering if it’s still worth them even trying?


(Consequently, making the time to shift our perspective on life and others in the positive direction, can also have the benefit of helping remedy depressive and anxious thoughts and moods. AND thus, can also improve our inner sense of psychological safety too.)


​Thus, part of the remedy is:


💕To retrain ourselves to start looking, or looking over again,  for the best in others, for what can and IS going right. To retrain ourselves to SEE and EXPECT THE BEST of OTHERS and LIFE.

A big part of the remedy being to refocus on what is actually still totally and completely right and, totally okay. And pouring equal, or greater focus into continually and daily practicing and noticing THAT as well. Rather than only ever talking about the problems. 


So if you too ever feel like you too are guilty of getting caught up in COMPLAINING, try REFRAMING, by using the relational nurturing techniques mentioned above, day by day, until it becomes week by week, then month by month. And watch how fast things begin to turn around in your relationships, the teams and communities in which you spend most of your time. 


It’s by no means a complete or exhaustive list of relational nurturing and repairing behaviours. But these are some simple things, that can make both an immediate and a cumulative, but massive positive impact in improving the quality of all types of engagement.  And help bring about better, more mutually beneficial outcomes in all the kinds of relationships in which we spend most of our precious time. By building feelings of connection, of unity based on common ground, and feelings of trust. As well as making it safer for others to come closer to us and open up about both those little things when something does legitimately need attention. As well as makes space for us to bond over some of those bigger, purposeful, meaningful things we have in common. As well as over our common plights and traumas.


As an alternative too, to often building connection, individually and in groups, by complaining ABOUT others, as a way to bond and build connection, but by throwing someone else under the bus to do it. Which can also backfire in having the opposite effect actually, of breaking down psychology safety and trust. (Because if we’re complaining about others, instead of to the others' face, someone might see us do this and then wonder, “how long until they might be doing the same to me? So can I really trust them?” Whereas relational nurturing and repairing behaviours have the effect of building trust and psychological safety up and hence growing and strengthening relationships of all kinds.

Which is why it’s so important to balance speaking up about issues, with relational nurturing and repairing beahviours too. Make sense?


Hope this helps.

xxoo

💕💕💕💕

Professionally speaking, I’ve (finally) been feeling it’s time to launch some content again. To flip my old written blog into a podcast now/again, to bring back some AFFORDABLE session support options AND get going on the book again with new perspective, in balance with creative pursuits. (And, for those who missed on my more personal socials, despite having recently come 3 year full circle on some Womens Health concerns.) Here's why...
For a good while there though, I’d felt like I’d actually run out of things to say. And I’m not sure where, I’d lost, or misplaced my internal drive to say them. And as a colleague had said when I was working at and delivered a quick presentation as a staff member of NIDA Corporate in a public speaking training we ran at the time, dare I say it out loud, even she could see it was like I’d lost interest and the fire for actually saying what I was saying publicly in that particular moment.


But all of a sudden, this thing is again happening, that every time I get on IG or Tik Tok and get bombarded with yet another piece of well meaning, but bad, or too incomplete to be really useful, communication, trauma healing, anti-people-pleasing personal development and relationship advice, I keep finding myself getting WAAAAY too fired up about how thoroughly f%^ked up and broken the state of all human relating now is in our now hyper-individualistic, online, dopamine addicted culture.  (Let alone how thoroughly, deeply broken our trust and faith in other humans still appears to collectively be post pandemic.)


Let alone, I’m DEEPLY concerned at how widely bad, fast food style, incomplete fragments of viral, 10 second Tik Tok advice is hurting more than helping us…and kept wishing that someone who actually has a clue would get traction in teaching the most basic principles of this stuff wholey and  “properly.“


As just a few examples-

20 000 people jump on some meme about not being a people pleaser ever again, all “hell yeah, preach it!” . Without anyone pointing out, that:

💕 YES that, AND we again need to find the part of us that desires to be of genuine service to the other for the RIGHT reasons. Because doing THAT is STILL the pinnacle relationship goal and absolutely core crucial to the success and longevity of every human relationship…EVER.


💕 YES we need to stop being OVER-responsible for accepting fault for EVERYTHING that ever goes on in any given relationship. AND STILL the ability to show up with SELF RESPONSIBILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY and thus the willingness to say “I'M SORRY, HOW CAN I DO BETTER NEXT TIME?” is an absolutely crucial cornerstone pillar in the creation and repair of trust and psychological safety, in EVERY human relationship EVER.


💕YES we need to be better at identifying in the moment what our own needs are, and:


💕YES we need to find our ability to communicate such things live in the moment when something is happening. SO MANY thousands of problems can be resolved simply, and immediately this way.
AND it is STILL crucial to the longevity and success of EVERY relationship EVER that we be willing to listen TO the other too AND care just as much about reading the room on what they need TOO.


💕YES it is essential that we learn to speak up about things that don’t feel right. AND it is still absolutely crucial to trust and psychological safety that, instead of broadcasting every last one of our concerns about another, to every person we know in the interest of calling out injustice, we ALWAYS, first and foremost, TAKE THE PROBLEM TO THE PERSON’S FACE, and give them an actual chance to address it one to one. Because BROADCASTING PRIVATE BUSINESS to anyone other than the party directly involved, BETRAYS and DESTROYS trust and psychological safety in individual relationships. Not to mention DESTROYS others' TRUST in US, if we can’t keep a secret and RESPECT AND HONOUR others' PRIVACY.


In this regard, you can block and hate me for saying it all you like, but cancel culture and  #metoo has been the biggest one-step-forward, two-steps-backward for relationships everywhere public trend we’ve seen unfold in decades. Because YES, unhealthy relating dynamics and abuse NEEDED to be called out.
BUT publicly ganging up on someone like a bunch of teenage, mean girl bullies with strength in numbers, and weaponising disclosure of private happenings to motivate someone to change, through threatening to destroy someone’s life through defaming them publicly for what they did wrong, (e.g. the abused becomes the ABUSER) I’m sorry, for the most part ISN'T NECESSARY to MOTIVATE someone to CHANGE.


AND was NEVER going to effectively motivate ANY person to change, or solve a problem within that relationship, with anywhere NEAR as much effectiveness as leaning into the problem with love and compassion, believing in them, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and being willing to have a go at resolving it with them face to face, with the level of respect that, as the most basic of human rights, EVEN when we’ve made a mistake, we STILL deserve.
Despite and especially in light of their and our own unique cocktail of trauma related defence mechanisms. Not everyone is Weinstein and a clinically identified Psychopathic Narcissist. And while I fear that, at its worst, BAD Instagram, Tik Tok, “fast food” 10 second relationship and hyper success focused personal development advice IS actually slowly turning ALL of us into a bunch of self-obsessed Narcissists, (perfect example, the double standard of demanding to be honoured as NEURODIVERGENT, BUT REFUSING to be compassionate to OTHERS, NEURODIVERGENT BEHAVIOUR) we CAN'T fall into the trap of treating EVERY last person EVER in relationships like they are not WILLING, or CAPABLE of change.


IF we give up on change being possible, we might as well give up all hope of anything, EVER. Hell, with all the loss and trauma I’ve been through in life, I definitely should’ve just jumped off a cliff decades ago, rather than investing 3 decades of my life in healing and helping others if that were true. BUT the point is, belief in our ability to want to grow and desire to be and do better is also an essential pillar to healthy relating.

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💕YES we deserve better than to tolerate being treated like crap. AND it’s STILL ESSENTIAL to the success of every human relationship EVER, that we realise that every single one of us is human, and comes with our unique set of baggage. So it’s not about finding someone who’s perfect, who never makes a mistake by us EVER, and perfectly ticks all the boxes on our lists. It’s about finding the people whose problems we’re willing to be compassionate to, and use our unique attributes to be a collaborator in helping them heal and grow over time. As much as they too commit to accepting, and helping us with, and despite our own.


And i could go on.


If only 3 people ever actually see this post, SOMEONE, needs to keep reminding people of and teaching exactly these kinds of insights.


Instead of the 🐴 💩 dipped in cheap nickel for the $3.99 you donate on Patreon and propagated virally to millions all over the internet as though it’s actually an aspirational that now passes as credible person development and relationship advice. Instead of evidence based, tried and tested, embodied and well trained, credible personal development and relationship advice 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Please remember, just because it goes viral, DOES NOT automatically make it credible.


Human connection is EVERYTHING when it comes to human wellbeing and our ability to thrive. We’ve deeply broken it. It's been a while, but I’m finding I’ve got a whole lot to say publicly again about how we get it back. And feel there's a whole lot of conversations to facilitate about HOW we do that.

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<END RANT>

I think this is an important question to consider, for all of us who run, attend or participate in any form of performing arts events. But first I think it’s really important to take a pause and come back to WHY we do any of this. (Or at least why I and some of my Teachers did, or do.) 


Beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of my greatest joys and privileges in this lifetime, as well as one of the greatest sources of growth and purpose throughout my entire life has been to be able to be a part, any part, of Arts events and spaces. Whether Drama, Dance, Media Arts, Music or Visual Arts classes and education, the creation and writing of the art, music, television and film, or the provision of support with the production and running of such events and creations. I’ve grown to have such a deep appreciation and reverence of the growth, healing and transformation that can occur within such spaces and hence the power and value of them.


As someone who grew up an A+ overachiever and a trained Leadership Coach and Mentor of years past, I also have an appreciation too of the connection, empowerment and the growth that can come from competitive events, when we hold them, (a bit like the Amazons in the movie Wonder Woman) with that Sisterly, Brotherly, collaborative spirit of challenging and encouraging each other to be our best. Where, if our competitor trips on the stairs, we help them up and both keep going. Where we practice vicariously taking delight and deriving joy from celebrating the wins of others WITH them. And choose to examine our moments of falling short as growth opportunities. I’ve come to see such events too, as a place also, not just where we may run into the “threat” of our “competitors,” in the Zero-Sum war games, of competing for the ultimate placement and acquisition of status. Not to mention a training ground for how to navigate life. But where we may actually also, meet our future soul mate BFF’s, life partners, business partners, employers, or future teachers. And a community to which people can feel like they really belong.



Part of my appreciation of that kind of space, is also the direct result of having had some truly incredible Mentors over the course of my lifetime, who role modelled that kind of behaviour and held that kind of intent and energy, in the spaces that they created for us. From high school, through my private practice journey, through to my time working with NIDA Corporate, to my Events Management, Theatre or Television work now, I’ve been very fortunate that life has connected me over time, with some amazing people, who mirrored back to me the way that I want to catalyse positive growth, hold space and lead, as much as create art, live events, film and television that both entertains, tells stories and communicates important messages, in a way that genuinely makes a difference in the world. Some of whom, also held some very loving and supportive spaces, that catalysed and allowed me to achieve a remarkable amount of healing during some of my darkest moments in life, that I also have such a profound appreciation now, of the value too of the Arts as Therapy. This too has become a huge part of my WHY.



(Feel free to skip the backstory to come if you already know me well). While my Mum was a Ballerina up until (like many) an injury young, I didn’t discover the power and the magic of dance (or visual art) until a bit later in my Performing Arts journey. But in my life journey, it’s not an over-exaggeration to say that the Performing Arts spaces I had access to in my teens, literally felt like my salvation, and gave me hope and purpose, through some very dark times.  After my Mums battle with Leukaemia, to which we lost her when I was 9 and my Brother was 6, we continued living with my hard-working Single Dad in a beautiful patch of remote country Victoria very close to the 90 mile Beach, a bit less than 10 mins drive from the nearest general store, 25km out of town, an hour from any regional centre and 3 hours from Melbourne. It was a beautiful place, and we were lucky to have great neighbourly support, while much of family lived 3+ hours away. 



It also seemed that academically, and in the Performing Arts, I was destined to be a high achiever. And if not that, at multi-tasking in the way that many actual Mums, as well as "surrogate" or "fill in Mums" often do at home. People asked, but no-one really had to ask me to step into taking on running things at home when Dad was working full time an hour away. Besides, I felt like I was capable enough that I could do some things myself and give the Neighbours a break from babysitting. To me, I just did what you do in such circumstances and did my best to fill the literally bigger than my actual shoe size set of shoes my Mum left to fill, while also trying to just be a kid at others. But I struggled HARD psychologically with feeling very alone during that time. 



Years 7-9 and 12 were the darkest. My bro and my Dad had something that I just never quite felt like I belonged to with equal depth or relatability, and sometimes we just spoke different languages and ended up at odds, for reasons I couldn't quite understand. I missed my Mum’s words of affirmation and physical affection like you would not believe. Plus, after changing schools mid primary school, after I was on the receiving end of a pretty nasty group physical and sexual assault with my then friend group (one that got the boy who lead it AND I both moved to separate schools. Only for us to be put back together, and him to ask me out, in year 7.)



After that and with Mum’s ongoing illness and then passing, I struggled with coming closer to other kids again in friendships and social groups. Mainly because I knew what I was dealing with was A LOT, and no one really knew what to do with it. SO for a while, I just politely declined a lot of requests to connect, so that I could release others from the burden of having to try, and me feeling guilty for being such a burden. And, given how much my Dad was already giving and dealing with, I made a choice too, to NOT burden him with a lot of the things I was dealing with too, unless I absolutely had to, because I figured he was already dealing with so much.



And if it wasn’t that, between grade 5 and year 7-8, it was the bullying and push-back against some of the ‘too-old-for-my-age’ perspectives I had to offer back in response to teenage bitchy, judgy behaviour. And if I swung back the other way into being abusive, or inconsiderate at any point, what friend groups I did have, were quick to threaten eviction during that time, “because I knew better than to lower myself to behaving like that.” 



So I was fast learning lessons about what you can and can’t do and say, as well as learning hard life lessons about assertiveness and hitting bullies back (at school, at home and amidst a culture with an ever-present threat of predation upon teenage girls, from parties known and unknowns alike after hours…that I often felt like there was NO place anymore without Mum (or staying with Grandparents, the neighbours or family 3+ hours elsewhere) that I felt truly safe in life. I had a lot of panic attacks about such things over time. Plus I felt like I belonged nowhere.  


My other favourite outlets though (in addition to outdoorsy activities, time with the dog, our cat and my horse), were piano and singing. While I often smashed it on my Piano assessments up until about level 7, how my anxiety impacted my performance at Eisteddfods I think lead me to think I wasn’t really good enough at Piano to justify continuing studying music in high school, or competing. Plus I didn’t really connect with the Music or other Visual Arts Teachers at that time either, that I got pushed to try. And beyond the odd workshop in primary school, we didn’t really even have Dance Teachers on my side of the shire, as far as I was aware. So while I’ve since come to work out I’m not totally crap at those things after all, I came back to and discovered how much I got out of them of my own accord later in life. 


But back then, I REALLY found a place to step beyond my comfort zone (and a space I loved) in Year 7 Drama classes. So the gap we had with no Drama Teacher, between the end of that year, and about the second term of my year 9, just happened to coincide with one REALLY dark time in my history. One in which I was both running off the rails academically (eg A’s became B’s and C’s), getting suspended for disobeying direct orders (while protesting being asked to take responsibility for things that other kids broke), and dare I say it, at times, I was seriously contemplating both suicide and leaving home (and taking my little Bro with me if he wanted to come) in equal measure. 


Until mid year 9, a Married Couple of 30 year olds, one an Art Teacher/Dancer and the other, an Actor/Drama Teacher with equal interests also to my own in both Media Arts AND Psychology, transferred to our high school. The two of them were/are remarkable standouts both in how great they are at what they both do, and were remarkable at how they related with kids of all ages, so that many people adored them. But for some reason that to this day, I will never understand, of all people, they decided to make me and my little Brother their business. And through both the Drama classes that he held and the yearly musical school production spaces that they co-created, I truly found myself in so many ways. In the depth of Method and Stanislavskian methodologies, I found depth of self connection. In singing, and the storylines explored, I found expression, understanding and release of so much inner angst. And I found freedom and safety to just be me, and yet constant challenge to be my absolute best, in that academic space. And also, so much of their approach was more like Drama Therapy. My Dad sometimes had a lot of concerns about the role choices my Teachers and I made, as “always casting me as the Victim” (which felt rather paradoxical to me, coming from someone who was still hitting me, until I started hitting back, at around age 14.)  Plus, there were running jokes in classes constantly about how I SHOULD pursue a career in acting because I’m such a Drama Queen” any time anything went wrong. Yet, finally, I had an outlet for processing and understanding all my young “life experience” and feeling through such characters and storylines that dealt with comparable life experiences. As much as Drama became a means of escapism, through playing with fantasy scenarios and characters who’s lives were nothing like my own, when we wrote, or picked our own pieces. 



More than that, for a kid who had to grow up really fast and had a lot to say that most kids couldn’t relate to, I also felt like I had in them, 2 Teachers to whom I could share, and somehow it was never too much.  At times, I thought they might as well have been channeling my Mum. But beyond her, they role modelled so much to which I would grow up aspiring to be in adult life, in work life and relationship to others in multiple capacities. I must have asked them 10 000 times minimum “why me of all people” and attempted to let them off the hook too from the obligation of having to do so. But no matter how many times I asked “why me?” (And got A LOT of patient reassurance and encouragement in response at times) especially as I kept getting A’s, Lead Roles and being asked to Assistant Direct Rehearsals at times, I also got to start finding myself in both Leadership and Mentoring of younger students too. Which then BECAME my “why me” as a statement, more than a question!



And just like my Teachers were doing for me, I found myself also becoming a “safe” space, for which the younger kids who were struggling with both school and home life, AND performance anxiety in equal measure, could reach out, to be heard, for encouragement, advice and support. So when I won the Performing Arts Award in year 12, (and asked “why me?” one final time,) I was told it was not just for outstanding achievement academically in the Performing Arts. It also says so on the piece of paper, that it was “for my contribution to the local Performing Arts Community”…and according to them, for the example that I too had, apparently, role modelled within it. Which they said, often looked, compared to others behaviour at times, like humble, grateful wins, no holding them over others, or tantremming in defeats, no bitchiness and backstabbing, but always being willing to help, go the extra mile, include others and us work together to be and achieve our best outcomes.


Based on all of this resonance of passion and purpose, I auditioned for 2 of the 3 Top Victorian Performing Arts Schools undergraduate courses. (The 3rd I got told by a Lecturer at Open Day, before I’d even opened my Mouth to speak, to “come back when I was a few years older and had had a bit more “life experience”, so what can I say, I’ve never bothered going BACK to that one.) But I did get into the one I really wanted to (If "life" further blew up in the middle, and then I find myself re-routed for a while to a healing path, followed by the healing of others path.)


Surviving the Dance part of the Deakin Rusden audition though, with almost negligible Dance training, might have been one of my greatest lessons in resilience in auditioning. And yet I still managed to make it in, despite A LOT of other people auditioning to get into Contemporary Arts at Deakin, with a Drama major and Media Arts sub-major. And took that, over my 2nd place offer of a Bachelor of Psychology, also at Deakin. (And doing Psych as a minor during the former…which it turns out, I absolutely hated compared to high school Psychology.) I would later, in my mid 20’s - 30’s learn what both Counselling, Coaching, Drama and Dance Therapy, Facilitation, Mentoring and Training were. (Before later coming back towards the worlds of theatre, live events, film and tv, and considering how I could combine and or run both at the same time.) Throughout that time, I also discovered what 5 Rhythms Dance and Ecstatic Freestyle Dance Classes were. (As separate to the competitive Dance world and highly choreographed Elite Dance School classes.) And within all, found another way to continue to participate in, and create the kind of space for others, that I felt like I was so fortunate to benefit from in high school.  


But I also cannot even begin to express how useful I found my Transpersonal Art Therapy studies, Dance Therapy and 5 Rhythms Classes too, as sometimes being either complimentary to, or a better means at times than Talking Therapy (which sometimes got me locked in my head) of really getting back into my body again, beyond the shutting down that came with multiple sexual assaults in not just my younger life, but also into my young adult life and 20's, out of home and living in one instance with the domestic violence in one intimate relationship. Through the combination of movement and the right music, I soon found how I could surrender into my body, open my heart and let flow out all the trapped grief and rage, through floods of tears and movement alike. And therein, on the other side of clearing lots of that out, found access to healing, to the full use and functionality of my body, sensuality and sexuality again, to renewed perspective, and reconnected to a whole lot of joy and purpose again. As much as found new access to my own creative potential and vitality in the process.



So It’s no understatement either, to say that I also found myself in Dance and Art Therapies, as much as I once did in Drama, Singing and Piano. As well as in helping, encouraging, Coaching, Mentoring and Teaching others. Hence too why I understand the immense healing power of the Arts, as a tool to help many of us navigate through and beyond Mental health concerns and past traumas of a lot of different kinds.


And then there's how the Performing Arts helped with my Leadership and Speaking efforts. If, after a decade of private practice Counselling, Coaching, Group Facilitation, Public Speaking, Networking and Promotion in the Health, Education, Entrepreneurial, NFP and Corporate spaces as well, many people were rating my top skill as Public Speaking, then I know I also owe (ahead of any time later spent in my 20’s-30’s with my past Communication Skills, Leadership, Public Speaking, Speech and Vocal Coaches and Mentors further refining them) to the time spent in the Performing Arts, learning, rehearsing and performing.


I also cannot count the number of comments I’ve written on other Artists and Actors, Directors, Producers, and Writers IG’s that they’ll likely never see, about how various storylines or offerings they created or worked on, have positively impacted me too. ALL of which, are just some of the main reasons why I have such a deep appreciation, reverence and respect for the power of the Arts and Creative Spaces, as having so much value in human culture. And being crucial to our healthy development. And why I’ve come to understand how vital high quality Leadership and Role Modelling is to the ongoing success of such spaces, and the quality of the outcomes that can be achieved within them. Whether the goals bring to them, are personal, professional, academic or competitive.


I don’t therefore take the responsibility of things like how we show up to create and support them, how we behave at and participate in them, or the example that we set AT them, lightly.  Hence, in my world, when I asked myself the question we started with, of “what kind of role model do I want to be at such events?” I remembered all of the above. And thus aspire to show up in a way that creates a safe space for and nurtures all of the above. For the benefit of all parties who want to participate in them; whatever their age, and for whatever purpose they want to be a part of them. In my ideal event world:

• we hold such spaces in our hearts as a gift and a privilege to be a part of
• we hold the privilege of being invited and allowed to witness such spaces with the respect that it deserves
• we respect others time and show up on time (if not ahead of time)
• we take responsibility for what attitude and energy we bring TO the space, and how we behave within it, AND
• we aspire to bring the best of ourselves on the day
• we hold a space of encouragement and unconditional positive regard for ALL of the people on stage, behind and in front of it
• we make the time to truly see and appreciate the human beings around us
• we make the time to consider what will help make this a psychologically safe space for them, as well as ourselves?
• we value collaboration and teamwork within the space
• we encourage taking delight in and celebrating others wins, and in our moments of falling short of our own or others expectations,
• we take stock of what the experience had to teach us, that will help us show up better and more powerfully next time, and
• we are compassionate, kind and supportive of others in their ’down’ moments
• we make sure where make time to have fun and enjoy the gift that is this art form, in balance to all our hard work and the challenges that come at times along with it
• we celebrate and encourage diversity, equality, and inclusivity 
• we take the time to appreciate all of the hard work, time and energy that is put in by all parties to create these events and spaces
• we treat everyone there with kindness and respect, which means
• we care about, role model and teach wellness and self care strategies and tools for managing our mindset/regulating our state and dealing with the stress and high emotions associated with performance and elite performance culture in healthy ways (so that we don’t fall into the trap of using others as emotional punching bags for our stress and distress as a default coping strategy) AND
• we communicate our needs and concerns with kindness, respect and trust in that the other parties involved genuinely care and are equally invested in the best possible outcome for us as we are (rather than attacking and complaining about who is to blame that we haven’t yet been accommodated, or something went wrong)
• we are therefore, solution and outcome focused
• when we see behaviour from anyone that is out of sync with these values, we address it, and suggest and role model alternative behaviours with patience and compassion, but also with the clarity and conviction of reminding each other to bring our best to the table (over the path of least resistance, of just playing out and playing in the worst of us.) 

Sometimes, under stress, I too fall short of all of those. But in my world, we do always have the power to choose and recommit to BEING and DOING much better as humans: 

• than taking out our overwhelm on other guests, staff or loved ones.
• we can do and be much better at times than using “Parental Instinct” as an excuse to be truly horrible and abusive towards other participants, or to the very people who created a space to try and help and support us and our loved ones. And those who are trying to provide a SAFE space in which we are free to create, produce and exhibit our Art.
• I think we can do and be much better than a zero sum game, toxic win at all costs culture, that is out of sync with so many of the younger generations beliefs and aspirations for our future world and how it should be held and lead. Not to mention
• I think we can ALL role model so much better as people, than tolerating a culture of bitchiness as “just how this industry is” and (even worse) something to be aspired to???

Personally, I think such behaviour being allowed (and even worse, proactively encouraged by certain Teachers) at these Events is decades behind our now collective and generational Feminist ideals of Sisterhood, Brotherhood and the desires for collective unity, equality and inclusivity.  Two years back into this, and I’m already exhausted from witnessing and being on the receiving end of it, at times 6 days a week, 5-12 hours a day. (And that’s nothing compared to the 14 hour days and 70-80 hour weeks my Back of House friends put in.)


I also think that there is something really wrong too, with our likeability and success at our Leadership and Support roles within this world, being measured by how much abusive shit we’re willing to absorb and tolerate from others within this world, before we fall down and cry, or walk off set and refuse to tolerate one more abusive instruction. Only to have our legitimate boundary setting for good reason, as frequently written of as “defensive,” “aggressive” or “angry” when we have the “audacity” to ask people to show up and be better. I’m sorry, but that’s the very textbook definition of toxicity and abuse. As humans, we're all at risk of losing it at times under stress. So how about we practice being better at managing and dealing with our distress, and not behaving in “abusive” ways towards others in the first place?

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Hence I ask the question of you, how do you feel when you witness such behaviours in this industry? Are you REALLY ok with this kind of behaviour in this industry? And if not, what kind of role models do YOU think we should have, and do you want to be within the Performing Arts world? Especially for the young people coming up within it? What legacy do you want to create and leave within it? What behaviour, ethics, standards and values do you want you and yours to be known for within it?


Because, for better or worse, HOW we show up on the day, is what people WILL come to REMEMBER us for. So I suggest we ALL make sure how we show up, is something we’ll be PROUD to be remembered for in the decades to come.  (If not just for ourselves and our loved ones and colleagues, but for the kids to come, who may also need the safety of these spaces, as much as I once did.)


Until next time….

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this collective wound we seem to have around not feeling seen, not feeling heard and not feeling valued in every day life for what one brings to the table, that's really underlying a lot of our most common arguments. 

Have you ever seen a time where people in public are so willing to pick a fight with a total stranger over things that they didn’t get, or that they think are wrong? A thousand conversations happen an hour, online and offline, where somebody blames someone else for something that person didn’t do, or for not giving them something that they, dare I say it, never actually asked for, in a kind, respectful manner in the first place. But have realised after the fact, after experiencing NOT being seen, heard and met, that they actually needed it…and are now upset that they didn’t get it. So often we play this out as blaming the other party for the problem. As issuing a formal complaint about what we didn’t get. But that’s only a part of what’s really going on.

It’s easy to blame the other person for our discomfort, and for the fact that we might feel not sufficiently seen, heard, understood and acknowledged by the other party, BUT part of the bigger problem is that:

-we actually didn’t sufficiently see ourselves and our own needs, and because of our disconnection from our inner reality,
-we failed to identity and speak up about what we needed to in a healthy way, in a timely moment prior, in which it could actually have made a difference in helping the other party better understand and account for what we needed. How are they supposed to magically just know what we need, if we never educated them on what that is? And if we never asked for it? And
-we might not be seeing, believing in or trusting in the part of the person in front of us that both cares about and might be willing to say yes, to help, or to take action to help us meet that need.

This often then leads any given conversation down a conflictual tangent, instead of in the optimal direction it could’ve gone down. One where:

-we’re expecting by default (often based on past experience) the worst outcome, and NOT to be met. Where we expect that we have to fight for us to GET met. Instead of trusting and believing in the best intentions of others and therefore anticipating the best possible outcome from our interaction with them.
The trouble is, when we expect the worst of the other, we tend to show up communicating in a whole different manner with them. With closed energy and defensiveness. And the words we select and how we deliver them can be entirely different, to if we thought they were someone who is on our side. In the way of being more accusing, colder and negatively biased. Or that is, worst case, outright verbally and psychologically abusive.


Metaphorically, it can be like we project onto a screen an inch in front of them, an avatar of the worst version of them that we fear….and then start a fight with that avatar. Instead of actually communicating with the real version of them, that is standing an inch behind the projection screen, looking confused as hell as to who we’re even talking to, as it’s clearly not them, with their current intent. If the other party WAS actually interested in the best outcome and actually wanted the best for us, then some part of THEM might now ALSO feel equally as not seen, heard or acknowledged. And treated with disrespect by the negative energy/focus and projections with which the other party is coming at them. 

At best, they call us back to seeing and speaking to the real and best of them in the moment. But isn’t it interesting, how that just came full circle? In a form of self fulfilling prophecy, how we showed up, just actually brought about the exact worst outcome that we didn’t want in the first place? And it actually ensured an outcome in which we didn’t get met? But now it’s even worse, because we’ve also projected OUR not being seen onto the other party….and now they TOO, might feel exactly the same way? And you’re now at war, when you could’ve been allies?


The WORST of our insides and our wounding is now on display. Hopefully at least one party is self aware enough to see what’s going on and hold to still showing up in the best possible way, while working towards the best possible, mutually beneficial outcome. To try and call the other back into the energy of love. But the one thing that is a certainty within this dynamic when it plays out, is that we’re not truly seeing, hearing, acknowledging and valuing the other, for all of themselves. For both the optimal parts. Nor are we regarding with compassion, sensitivity, understanding and healing intent, their wounded parts alike.


With a total stranger, we might be less internally perturbed by that, and more able to quickly brush it off. If disappointed and self reflective on how this could’ve turned out better. But when it happens with the people we’re most invested in, it can really hurt not to be seen for the best of ourselves, for the best and purest of our intent, and for the sincerity of our best efforts made from the right place, for the right reasons. From that inner place of giving, of loving purpose and genuine desire to be of service because we could. Of genuinely gaining fulfilment and feeling sincere happiness through and for another, when we see them grow, hit their mark and their targets, when they win. Or when they light up with encouragement, confidence, faith and their own highest potential.  BUT to only be seen for the worst of ourselves, for that one negative that someone’s traumatised, negativity biased, fight flight activated nervous system, and self defensive mechanisms locked onto and honed in on with military grade precision for self protective purposes, to the exclusion of all other realities and possibilities, can also be devastatingly heartbreaking. Not to mention cause significant rips in the fabric of our relationships.


I say all of this having spent a lot of time this week, self reflecting on some of the ways in the past in which I personally have felt heartbroken in both not being seen, or being seen and totally rejected at times.  I found myself feeling through some of the deeper layers of ways I’d shut down in personal and work settings in recent years, after some very significant relational endings had gone that way. And sat with first hand, that feeling of gut-wrenching devastation, when you suddenly realised through someone's heated or honest words, that decades of your most sincere and well intentioned efforts, energy and intent, were never actually seen, acknowledged or appreciated. And or in others, the very things that make you the best of you,  weren’t actually the qualities they  wanted or valued you for in the way you thought or hoped they would.  As much as those best bits of you weren’t deemed of sufficient value to warrant the acceptance of the worst bits of you as being tolerable and "work-aroundable." As much as they were written off as too hard and too much. 


As I felt into some of that more personal pain and rejection, I realised too how much I’d automatically at some point in trying to survive all those major changes in my core foundations, started doing that one very thing I always tell clients NOT to EVER do, in starting to accept the past as a reliable predictor of what you can expect in the future...and started accepting business and relational failures as a permanent reality and professional, familial and and relational dreams as realities that maybe AREN'T actually meant to be this time around. 

For example, (& I don't care if this sounds wanky to anyone who hasn't been a Coach or Therapist or worked in high performance cultures, I'm not writing this one for virtue signalling or external validation) but as I also was watching Billions recently, once again, I found my entertainment becoming Therapy... In that I was watching Wendy Rhodes, the elite Performance Coach of High Level Performances Coaches, as even just a character, talking about the inner motivations behind why she loves and feels born to do what she does. And then remembered all the times I too had lit up like a Christmas tree every time I got to Mentor in my senior years at highschool, a younger kid who was really struggling at home and had all kinds of anxieties about going on stage in our high school musicals. Or the years I spent Performance Coaching High Achieving, Make a Difference-Driven Influencers on business goals and financial targets, and Coaching clients on life purpose and service in my private practice, and others organisations.

I found myself suddenly mortified that I’d manage to internalise this idea that the most innate and some of the best parts of me, that have had the biggest benefit to others, including the part that can hone onto another’s beauty, potential and gifts in the darkness, with the efficiency of a truffle pig finding truffles amongst the noise on the forest floor, let alone the part of me that, personally or professionally, just loves and gives stupidly much without giving a shit about what I'm getting back because it just feels right in the moment, are character flaws and  trauma responses. Let alone always inevitably too much, unwanted, or needed, because a few someones past, who'd I'd loved and invested a whole lot in, and them too in me, it turns out, weren't ever going to be invested fully on the same path, or in the same way. But when I surrendered to not seeing and not recognising the value of those parts of myself, I’m actually as equally snuffing out my light and life purpose, as I'd become the walking dead when I'd stopped making art.

My point though, is- that’s a lot of power and energy to have caught up in fear of the impact of both being seen and not seen and valued? And I know I'm not alone in experiencing some iteration, or permeation of that same theme?  Many of us are dealing with some microcosmic versions of this daily. Why is why I even bring it up.


No matter which side of the relational equation trauma originates on, trauma doesn’t often see potential. Trauma, and a traumatised nervous system, usually only sees danger. And the need to fear and protect against it. Even if we DO come to recognise our own value, to see the best in ourselves and continue to dream of and hope for the best in others, the fear in others ability to see or not see it too, can still bring us undone. And thus the danger of not expecting to be seen, valued or met by others, can then see us start living half a life, half relationships, and half daily interactions, based on the fear of the worst that we’ve come to expect to be our new normal….and then we can start accepting, maybe half of what we really deserve and want. Because the voice of trauma might have us believe that others only see and fear OUR worst, but fail to see, or value our best. Trauma might also have us believe that they also can’t handle our best, without our best triggering in them, the activation and purging of their worst. And then our projecting of that wounding out into the world, onto others, can often result in us showing up and relating in that very way that actually creates the outcomes we don’t want, that can result in BOTH parties not feeling seen, heard, acknowledged, appreciated or valued for what they’re really saying, doing, being and bringing to the table.


If it’s not that, then sometimes its just that we’re too busy, pushed to the limit and exhausted in this day and age to make the time and to invest the energy in truly seeing, hearing and appreciating the people who pop up in front of us in our every day lives. To go deeper than dealing with people at surface/face value, and truly take stock of what value and purpose their presence brings to our worlds, and has to contribute to our learning experience and growth. Because even the wounded and “weirdest” of our bits, have something to teach us.  Look long enough, and you can find the gift, the beauty, the lessons in literally anyone and anything, anywhere. 


More than that, it can be powerfully healing, as well as crucial to healthy relationships of all kinds, personal and professional too, that we ALL practice really seeing, hearing, and appreciating all of the people around us, for ALL of what makes them them. Because on some level, most of us want to feel like our presence, our gifts and abilities, our efforts and our perspective matter and makes a difference to others. We want to know that our feelings, our needs and boundaries matter and are worthy of consideration by the people we care about, and by strangers in our vicinity alike. No matter how much self love and healing work we might do on ourselves, on recognising our own worth and value, there is still always that part of us too, that wants to know that there are things about us that are likeable. And that the things we have to share about ourselves as much as our insights, might be interesting, intriguing and useful to others. We find things like healing, comfort, confidence, empowerment and purpose in being heard, acknowledged, understood and encouraged.  And in hearing that we’re loveable even WITH our flaws and our wounds. Let's not forget that the expression and evidence of any and all of these expressed outwardly, whether verbally, or non verbally, through body language and energy, are taken by us as signs of sincere love and respect. 


Not to mention the our abilities to listen and ask questions to truly understand the other, combined with the ability to truly see and appreciate what beauty and complexity others bring to the table, are foundational to building trust and psychological safety. And therefore, to establishing connection and rapport, in personal and professional settings of all kinds. And this is more important than ever in a culture right now where, while we’re healing our voices, and learning to be more authentic, we’ve swung from NOT speaking up; to the other extreme of getting so preoccupied with having a voice that we’re actually now forgetting that we also need to listen twice as much as we speak.


AND where we’re getting so busy keeping score of what we’re getting on our upward success trajectories, that we’re also sometimes forgetting that (in a healthy two-way relationship) it was always the case that we STILL need to maintain connection to that place of unconditional giving and being of service to the other party, as well as connection to the desire to see the other happy and thriving, in order to help any given relationship of any kind truly reach it’s highest potential and optimal, mutually beneficial outcomes.


While yes, its important that we feel out for when our giving efforts are and aren’t welcome with any given other, and it’s necessary to be sensitive to their needs in balance to our own, the ability to truly see, to hear and to appreciate the current beauty, the gifts, the future potential, and the value of the challenges that any given person presents, are absolutely crucial to the quality of our relationships. And you never know, in a world that can be so technologically connected, yet now so very human face to face DISconnected, you just never know when you taking the time to share with someone some positive quality or insight that you have about them, might, at minimum, put a smile on their face. At moderate, might make their day. And at best, might help them heal, find wholeness and open back up again to trusting in the good that still exists in others and the world.  You just never know when your encouragement, belief in them and ability to see their value might become part of the motivation for them to show up as all that they can be…and truly believe in the value that they are and have to bring to the world.


Until next time…

Inevitably, predictably even, after I write a blog like the last one, I find myself circling back into this loop of self doubt and preemptive fear of the backlash back. Mainly from feminism. I just spent almost 15 years doing work, running work, holding space to help Women find and heal their voices and heal trauma. But so often, the second that I write something being empathetic to male wounding, some female empowerment coach somewhere, will get all up in my Dm’s, seeing NONE of that, but explaining feminism to me and shaming me for being a people pleasing, fawning, Mothering, toxic masculinity enabler. So to be honest with you, each time I write on the subject of rage now, there’s a part of me that then doubles back down on checking if there IS still some aspect of people pleasing, fawning behaviour, or Mother smothering to “manage” the raging little boy in him that I’m running. But also double checking how water tight my methodology is on “did I sufficiently explain standing in your power in a heart centre way, and how you embody both, while strongly holding to a boundary and asking him to rise to both yours and HIS requirements of how you wanted to be treated, and the best version of him that he wants to be.  BEFORE, I got to this next bit about how we be with all this female rage in the world.


With Taylor Swift putting female rage into the collective consciousness in a BIG way recently with the release of The Tortured Poets Department, hot on the heels of me having just watched Beth and Summer beating the sh#$ out of each other in Yellow Stone, I felt like there needs to be a part 2 of the last blog, but on the flip side. As again, both Actor Artist Singer me considers the playing and writing and portrayal of female rage in a couple of pieces. AND Practitioner Healer me also kind of sat with the question of how do we do something productive WITH rage full stop, let alone with the experience OF female rage? Other than just burning down the world with it? Because once you open it up for a billion people at time, how DO you turn that into a teachable moment as well, from which people can grow and change? 


Rage is a funny emotion, in that it can be really easy to sit in it, and  burn in it once you get it flowing. But just like a fire, if you don’t learn to harness it, and don’t learn to understand what fuels it and how to “fire bend” it into doing something healing, creative or transformative with it (as do Blacksmiths, or Glass blowers, or Alchemists, believe you me from my worst wounded moments, it has a way of both burning you alive from the inside out. As well as burning down everyone and everything around you. Just putting out every fire the second one starts because we’re afraid that every single one will turn into a bushfire, isn’t the answer though. Learning how to harness it, to heal, create and transform with it though, I think is sorely needed.


Learning to just be with and IN all of our human emotions, and or to be able to be present with others, without having to MAKE them BE anything…just to witness and be present, is an inevitably needed part of both:


A) re-occupying ourselves after the experience of trauma, by building patience, tolerance and resilience in being able to stay with the experiences that we would otherwise run from. As well as: 


B) is also important to our ability (personally, romantically, professionally, therapeutically and creatively in my case) to be able to BE in the room and stay present with others when they are going through the worst of their emotional moments, without having to run away to avoid the parts of us that want to run from being with them. Or that are triggered in some way BY them. (Often in the direction of fear and mistrust in their ability to be able to control and self manage their strong feelings…and if they can’t, are we actually safe around them, or are we going to be badly burnt again, like we were with X person in the past?


This commonly then results in many telling the angry one that they’re being abusive and to shut it down NOW, to get control of themselves and stop being abusive.  I'm not dismissing the need (as we talk about last week, to act when there is genuine UNsafety,) BUT that desire to immediately shut ALL fire/them down, can also at times actually be telling us A LOT about what WE need to actually look at in ourselves too, around what it means for US, when someone else is angry? What does that make US feel? And what percentage of that is actually about THEM needing to modify THEIR behaviour, to help us feel safer when we feel unsafe because of them? And what percentage is US needing to work on our ability, to be present with the mere presence of anger in any given healthy other? An other who IS capable of self regulation and management, but is presently activated in either a state of healing something past, or a trigger in the present?  


Because in a healthy mature adult relationship, both parties ideally would be equally capable of controlling and managing their process around strong emotions like anger. So that, when it comes to witnessing the other being deliberately present with their anger (whether through the safe, well held therapeutic process of exploring a past hurt, the present experience of, for example, witnessing them on a phone call in a moment where they’ve just been treated in a way that made them feel strong emotions like anger in the present, OR whether it was to be, in my case lately, playing a character who’s having a heated argument, fuelled by deep trauma, with another) we have the capacity to STAY in with, instead of run away from the experience, while any given party present heals, transforms or creates something from it? 


Learning how to be with our rage, and feminine rage, is JUST as much an important thing as what I was talking about last week for our collective healing. It’s an important thing for women to get back in ourselves and learn to listen to what our rage is trying to tell us in the first place about what we really need. As well as to listen to what it’s trying to tell us about coping and things like our boundaries and limits. But it’s also worth remembering too, that sometimes anger and rage too, can also be the surface emotion, floating on the top of an ocean, masking an iceberg of deeper feelings about some big past hurts and maybe traumas. 


In the ladder of fight flight response, remember, anger and “fight” is at the top. And when it comes to wounds and coping mechanisms, anger is often the coping mechanism we use, that keeps us in the top layer of fight and fight back, for survival. It stops us from dropping into the depths of feelings like grief, disappointment, feeling deeply hurt and let down, which serve no immediate purpose when you’re fighting the tiger. But are what is waiting for us later, once we have the time and safety to sit up (or under) a safe tree, or with the tribe, and process what just happened. 


For example, a decade ago, I was in trauma healing workshops, punching pillows while I felt that rage. But why I acknowledge and attempt to transform, but don’t tend to stay feeling or writing about rage now, is because I know the real work for me is now deeper. In my own healing, sure there is people that things didn’t work out with that I feel angry AT them for times I didn’t feel I was treated how I wanted to be. There is anger I have about times when certain Men didn’t do things that made me feel safe. Or used me as a punching bag for their reactivity about something or someone else. Or weren’t there to have my back. Or was angry at times they literally nearly broke it. Or angry because they behaved in ways that were really deceptive or self serving, that some part of me, as result, feels robbed of having had the information I needed to make better decisions for myself earlier, that I felt robbed of years of my life too in places (thanks Taylor!) Before I inevitably come back to a place of self responsibility of going “AND you’re a grown adult, you did the best with what you knew, but you made the calls, you put yourself there. So YOU are responsible for what you created AND for what is within your power to change in future.” (That’s your transmuting your power back, NOT only into looping into blaming yourself as though it’s all your fault. BUT also, on the other side of self judgment, being brave enough to step up on what IS within our power NOW to do different and change NOW.)


But underneath those HARD, violent, angry leaping flames to witness or be near, is really also much deeper feelings of deep hurt and disappointment and grief. Deep sadness at feeling let down. Deep grief about being left to fend off predators on my own. Deep grief and disappointment, that this person or that one didn’t see anything in me that they thought I was worth any better. Or worth doing the work on themselves that was needed in order for us to be able to move forward in a better way. Deep grief and disappointment that they kept me at arms length, and chose not to see or feel me, or worse to judge and degrade me, so that some part of them could justify taking things they took. Deep grief and fear, of Men who, instead of dealing with their deeper issues of jealousy or loss of control or loss, chose to try and destroy me and take every FROM me that they ever gave, or that I ever had. And at other times, deep grief and disappointment, at times that some of them prioritised status and reputation over safety or the relationship, or showing up for any of the above, and that they seemingly loved that and valued that, much higher than they ever valued me. And then the host of self blaming and shaming responses about where my self esteem was ever at, that that was all I could receipt or accept, in place of what love is meant to look like for me. 


I’m sorry, because I know that is A LOT. But do you see where I’m going with this? The deeper healing work for me personally, was to listen to what those wounded parts had to say without judgement, and then to transform all that, to glean the lessons and turn it into behavioural change. But in terms of connecting in a better quality way in future, do you also see how much easier it becomes for you reading this, or any given other, to be present with, to get closer to the parts of us that REALLY need us AND their presence the most to heal? Then when you're communicating in fire signals or scribed verbal bullets?


I’ve never met a good hearted Man and talked to him about these kind of things a) without him often also being impacted empathetically, vicariously and distressed by witnessing that depth of pain In me. BUT he can also get closer to put his forehead to mine, or put his arms around me when I’m there. But it’s much harder for him to ever do it, while I’m swinging punches or slashing cuts in him with my verbal sword of self defence. At which point, he’s then got to both then armour himself and protect himself, doge and hold your swinging at a distance, until you get to the place of trust and seeing HIM, where he can actually help and hear you? And work with you on what you need?  


So what’s my point? We’ve got to own that rage and do something productive with that rage. But also remember that there’s also deeper work to be done and wisdom to be gained in the iceberg under that rage. I’m not trying to shame anyone out of going there. Going there in deliberate , intentional ways, is needed and a part of the healing. But it’s only a part of the work we have to do on the way back to connecting in more meaningful ways and ways that better serve both parties in future.  (While some of us also need to upskill in listening and being present with other people's "stuff" too.)




Rage, when it comes to female rage not just at a collective level towards aspects of patriarchy, and at the deeply personal level, as it relates to any given Women, processing her past experiences with any given Man, is an arrow on a sign pointing downwards, asking us to dig deeper. So much of the work is also in confronting THOSE deeper hurts underneath the rage too. And then working out what we need. What we need for ourselves to heal ourselves. And what we need from others going forward. And how DO we communicate that effectively, in a way that others can be clear about how to respond, and what action is required of them? Personally? And professionally? Therapeutically too, on both sides; client and Practitioner, how do we guide the process of the deeper work to a healthy place? And creatively, (granted sometimes the very point might be to make the audience  think it through for themselves too, but) how might we cleverly write in the lessons, or pair our work with support resources of some kind at times too, in order to best support the people who view and journey WITH our art or music about rage, to keep working it through to a healthy place of resolution for themselves too?  Maybe sometimes that does come in the work itself, but afterwards, in our work and subject matter we address as an Influencer too? We don’t have to, but we do have that power and opportunity at times I think, to help Women get to a place where we don’t just burn down the globe with fires of experiencing our rage and revenge. But to help Women everywhere work it through to a place where it counted for something? And we used it to change something?


Vengeance (dare I say it even justice) too can be like an highly additive illicit drug, that often promises much in it’s seductive sales pitch, but we realise in the comedown, actually delivered little in terms of healing or filling the void left within the wound.  Use our fire right and it cauterises the wound so that it stops bleeding and getting infected and the innate healing intelligence present within starts the healing. Before we then continue to use that fire to create and transform. And maybe teach.


Go there with the fire Queens, but then please go deeper. Because there’s so much gold in there when you do.

As always, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. 


Until next time...
​

Some recent thoughts I had on the current prevalence of male violence in Australia and how we heal and turn this around, and make it safer to talk about the trauma that often lies underneath. I don’t by any means claim to have all the answers, but here’s a few thoughts and in some cases, alternative, insights I’ve had over my years of both journeying and working professionally with so much of it, as it relates to what it takes to facilitate actual change at the level off the individual.. This blog comes with a sensitive content warning. But for what it’s worth. If you find something of benefit within it, please feel free to share it on.




It’s been a couple of weeks of a LOT of airing of thoughts in Australia in response to recent events and statistics regarding the significant rise in violence against Women.  To add context for any International Readers, amongst what has been globally a very high stress few years across the globe, here too, mental health statistics, findings on the current state of gender dynamics and equality, and recent news and statistics released on the increasing prevalence of violent crime, specifically female deaths as a result of violent crime, have become incredibly alarming.  With an Australian Women being killed every 4 days, and the death toll by only a quarter of the way into this year, already being at least double that of the same time the previous year.  Some other recently reported news events: In Sydney in the the last few weeks, there was a mass stabbing of predominantly Women at Westfield Shopping Centre in Bondi, that ended with the attacker being shot dead. Plus there was a stabbing of a Religious Leader by an individual who it turns out had been listening to some pretty extremist content. There has just been another extremist terrorism influenced student stabbing in Western Australia this week. A report from a school in Melbourne that a group of male students are potentially facing expulsion after having created a system ranking female students, from ‘marriable’ down to, as they put it “unrapable,” made national headlines. Plus a show just aired, interviewing female victims of crime, discussing how and where they had been able to identify that their attackers had been watching a whole lot of videos on sites like Pornhub, depicting premeditated violent acts against real life Women. And it’s hard to forget too, that one study in recent years reported by UN Women, assessing Male beliefs about Women in Australia, lead to estimates that at least a quarter, to a third of our male population, might still be harbouring beliefs that had us ranked as the second most mysoginistic culture in the world. 


Hence there has been a lot of heated debate, discussion and demand for more effective action to be taken across all sectors of society right now to both manage the current mental health crisis, demanding that every institution and individual with the ability to, do more to turn around toxic gender dynamics and belief systems Insighting serious harm to others and or to Women, and discussing how we prevent the occurrence and reoccurrence of the kinds of domestic violence, physical and sexual assault that are affecting a quarter of the Australian female population still. As well as how we make public and private life safer for Women of all ages, and very importantly, prevent female deaths. So it’s been a big few weeks of the airing of past traumas and intergenerational trauma, of airing fears for our own safety and many Men airing their own outrage and concerns for the safety of both Women known to them and the whole female population. As well as other parties also reminding us that human violence full stop is the problem and violence against Men and between Men, is also still a thing. And then counter-argument to that, that yes, this is true, but it’s not Men who are being killed in the greatest numbers right now, so in the order of priority of what crisis of many to address first, can we make reducing the female death toll top of the list?


No matter what gender we identify with, I think it’s easy to feel despairing and completely overwhelmed, when one thinks about the size of the mountain in trying to fix, and how you fix such a massive problem, all at once. Like many people, I can’t claim to have the needed expertise on many different aspects on the societal macro level to manage all of that. And yet, at the micro, individual level, through both the combination of lived experience of healing and growing beyond the experience of trauma and violence, and having over 15 years and my own “10 000 hours” of experience working with trauma healing, mindset and behavioural change systems in both community services (often with families and Men with “moderate to severe protective concerns,” helping more than you might think to succeed in getting their lives back on track) and later, and in private practices capacities, I also have A LOT of thoughts to share on exactly what is needed at an individual level to heal and transform trauma, belief systems that no longer serve, and to transform relating dynamics, into something that much better serves ALL of our highest good. That are too much to share in one blog. Which is part of how I came to have written 80 000 non fiction book words on HOW we create greater psychological safety in communicating and relating dynamics of all kinds.


No matter what kind of Coaching and Training I’ve offered over that private practice time too, Business, Communication,  Leadership, Relationship or Health related, no matter what the identified Gender of the several thousand people I’ve spoken to, or the fewer I’ve worked one on one along the way, discussion has almost always, ALWAYS, at some point, rolled back around to somebodies unresolved trauma around physical, psychological and sexual abuse. And how both the remnants of being on the receiving end of it, as well as how aspects of having internalised and played out aspects of it and our fight flight reactivity, combined with individual and collective belief systems, can still be impacting their personal or professional life today. So how do they successfully grow despite and beyond all of that?


Let’s acknowledge first that the added collective global environmental, financial, health and political pressures that humanity is under right now, has many in state of constant anxiety, burnout, depression, despair and loss of hope in humanity and the possibility of a fulfilling, sustainable future, is a huge part of the problem.  That already has many working week to week just to survive, pushed to the edge of their coping capacity. And As Maslow once pointed out, when people are stuck in survive (fight flight mode), just trying to put a roof over their head and food on the table, for themselves and loved ones, they have little energy, or headspace left for higher developmental goals. Like focusing on career development, relationship development, or focusing on their spiritual development and being of higher service to others. (IF, paradoxically, actually feeling into and getting focused on exactly those things is a part of the remedy to getting OUT of survive mode.) 


But still underlying that, part of the problem continues to be collective, in that so many people never had a decent education (or role models showing them) how to communicate and relate in healthier ways, that lead to mutually beneficial outcomes for all parties over the long term. Or an education on mental, emotional and spiritual self mastery, to help manage and make better choices about the most challenging aspects of human existence and relating. So, a lot of people just don’t understand the absolute basics of how to create and manage their own mindset and how to self regulate their own emotional reactivity and state. Let alone how to heal and resolve the kinds of intergenerational trauma and learned defence mechanisms we are ALL carrying from up to 12 generations ago (let alone, if you believe in this kind of thing, might potentially be carrying from our whole universal history as souls?) Or how to maintain a relationship and repair relational injuries that can occur while we’re dealing with life’s significant challenges. 


Rather than arguing over whether its’ Parents or Teachers responsibility to do that, I think we just need to make this most basic of skillsets necessary for ALL of us to thrive as humans, mandatory for us ALL to learn…and that alone might solve A LOT in a few generations. And I don’t disagree, especially as it relates to social media being relied upon as a reliable source by many individuals for education around how to navigate life, that a line needs to be drawn in the sand, honouring our right to free speech, and yet intervening when a line that freedom of speech is headed down, is estimated to directly result in serious harm and violence to others. Like in instances in recent weeks, where there is a clear, known link, looking at the various perpetrators browsing histories, between the actions that they’re taking and the toxic belief systems encouraging violence against other humans, or indulging  and encouraging physically or sexually violent and controlling treatment of Women, that they’ve been watching. Who polices that, remains a remarkably complex issue. Let alone, dare I say it as an Actor and Writer (as well as A Coach, Facilitator, Speaker, Trainer) how we pair up portrayal of violence in art and popular culture, with clever writing, or supplementary material, to create teaching moments, I think is incredibly important too?





There’s also a “multidimensional” aspect to violent behaviour that we need to understand, if we’re to resolve its occurrence 


Before we get onto talking about the line of thought that also came up this week on how Men need to support other Men to change and open spaces of conversation for other Men, there’s another aspect of Mental (and spiritual) health that, dare I say it, also needs to sometimes be addressed when it comes to both alleviating the intensity of mental health conditions like Schizophrenia, as well as in treating addiction, trauma and associated highly reactive, abusive and violent behaviour, and that’s the quantum energetic and or shamanic aspect of human health. (This might be a bit “TMI” for some, but I feel like I have to try.)


As someone who has studied Traditional and Neo Shamanic Practice and long been interested in our nature beyond just the physical, in my own personal and professional experience, a HUGE part of reforming violent behaviour, can also be helping people manage the non-physical/multidimensional consciousnesses that can trying to “influence” them. Let me explain a little further. I’m well down the rabbit hole of belief from my own life experience from SO much of the “intuitive” guidance I’ve received and experiences I’ve had over time being verifiable in real life, that there absolutely IS other, non physical consciousnesses around us. Past loved ones, non physical consciousnesses existing in dimensions just outside the spectrum that we can physically see or touch with the 5 physical senses, but that are there and detectable if you learn about the intuitive senses that we actually DO have built in also, to connect with them. Or (like Ghostbusters) if you had the right set of scientific instruments to. And some of them, you might also call “Alien” or “Extra terrestrial,” simply meaning that wherever they originated from, it wasn’t on the physical surface of Earth essentially. Just like humans, I believe that some of them are well meaning, and are here to be teachers. (On one level or another, they ALL end up being Teachers regardless!) Others of them have an agenda that may NOT always serve our highest good. Just like in real life business or dating, some of them might be all talk, but also deliver very little that actually improves our lives. And or can be downright manipulative and just plane old mean at others. 


Enter some of our Schizophrenic brothers and sisters who are tormented by negative voices, telling them bad things about themselves and others, and telling them to do bad things. Part of treating this successfully, I believe (and this is where we in mainstream mental health can be failing) SHOULDN’T ONLY involve meditating them to block the voices, (often with the consequence that those taking their meds are so drugged up they can hardly function anymore in every day life.) BUT would benefit also from a Shamanic style training course in how to successfully relate with the spiritual world in an empowered way, that better serves us all. And, dare I say it, how to not just use our free will to tell the nasty ones to f@#$ right off. But how to also call in other non physical support resources to help remove them, and provide ongoing protection against their return. Part of ensuring and enabling us to connect with much “higher intending/higher vibe” ones, also, once again, comes back to the management of our mindset and our own state. And the choices that we make about how we show up, and who we choose to engage with, and on what terms. 


In my own experience of having lived with at least one partner, who only had a violence problem, only when he was drunk, and heard the similar story over and over from many others, I’ve come to feel that this was actually a big part of the real problem, along with mental health and trauma. When such guys would drink, it would often be to escape the intensity of the struggles of daily living, physical injuries and mental health. But, from a shamanic perspective on drinking, what often happens when you get blind drunk to escape, is that our spirit and energy literally largely pull back out of our body. Essentially leaving our body somewhere in the world, looking like a vacant house, with the lights left on at night and the front door wide open and unguarded. A decent friend, partner, family member or neighbour, or RSA qualified bartender, is not going to go in there and steal all your stuff, they’ll probably go and shut the front door. (Eg take the drink out of your hand, and put you somewhere safe, with safe people.) But some homeless opportunist, and definitely one of them who’s still got a grudge with you from that thing you did in the year 1643, may well take that as the perfect opportunity to come in and be a squatter. Dare I say it, (sorry for the graphicness, but this is the whole point) to try and have sex with your gorgeous lady friend. Or, to just screw with you, by doing things like elbowing your girlfriend in the side of the head, or kicking her in the side at full force, in bed, the second she falls asleep. Only to suddenly check out when she screams and burst into tears, and her being in danger calls the highest part of you straight back into your body, to wake up and ask if she’s ok. BUT also leaving you to witness what “you” have seemingly  just done, and then watch you drown in self blame and shame. (Pretty much every religion or spiritual belief system in the world has a term for that, we just all call it something different, while Psychiatry calls it a personality disorder.)


For for the sake of privacy, I can’t and don’t won’t go into specific examples. So much as to say that, in some cases, I’ve come to believe that, at the individual level, a huge part of eradicating violent behaviour associated with spirits, is to not just heal the kinds of trauma and wounds that lead to someone’s reliance upon substances or alcoholic spirits. But to also kick out the spirits WITH the spirits. In AA methodology, that’s where the praying to God for help part comes in…and why I believe it actually works. It’s not a substitute for doing the work also to heal the trauma and mental health stuff, and connect one with a healthy sense of purpose, from which one can draw fulfilment.  Or, as I talked about in my last blog, to heal the growing sense of “I’m not enough and don’t have enough to be happy” that is going hand in hand with our Capitalist existence and it’s current challenges. But it’s a HUGE part of what’s missing in resolving violence against Women, that I don’t see too many people talking about yet. And I think we need to be. As well as about how to talk about violence and who needs to support people of any gender with self mastery in overcoming it.  




Yes, Men need to talk about this with each other and support each other. But not just with Men actually.


My first thought on this was agreement that yes, for many Men, self mastery as a Man, does yes, require the support, guidance and leadership of other Men. But as some of my own Past Male Therapists/Private Practice Supervisors and Mentors who’ve worked with Men on trauma healing once explained to me in the earlier phases of my Practice, they would also say that it actually also takes an aspect of working with Women who’ve healed from their own trauma and developed the capacity to hold a safe space for Men to experience the gifts of working with a Female Practitioner. But importantly too, who can also role model Healthy, empowered, loving, compassionate feminine presence and relating dynamics, that they might yet to have experienced in the course of their lives up until now. The kind that, once they’ve experienced THAT, tends to inspire one to want to be the best version of oneself, to be able to spend more time with and interact in mutually beneficial ways, with that level of Woman. Which they would say is not always an easy journey, because her presence is likely also going to bring up ALL of your stuff about feeling worthy, living on purpose… and ALL of one’s stuff about jealousy, passiveness, ownership and control. Whatever has to heal IS us, in order to be able to receive that level of female presence into ourselves and into our lives.


In practice, despite what I’d been through, and the fact that I’ve many times been worried that I was still healing myself at times, the reality of putting this to the test and working with Men in therapeutic contexts in the next few years, was that many of the Men I held talking sessions with or worked with in community services capacities, let alone trauma clearing workshops, who succeeded in making the kind of life, relationship and family changes that they set as their goals, often fed back to me over and over again, that they found this to be very true. Regretfully, In my personal life and relationships, I haven’t always got it right when both our trauma came up and hit the fan….and I had to figure it out the process for myself, both in the moment, and in hindsight.



Yet in my work and in my sessions, so many Men, known and unknown to me that I worked with in the two decades prior, often reported that there was something very right in how I supported them. Some said the they’d never experienced being heard by or having a past Partner or family member show up for them, in that way. And whatever energy and experience I had embodied for them in that time, gave them clarity in resetting their ideas around how they wanted to love, be loved and engage with the Women and children in their lives going forward. Which I don’t say lightly, or expecting any form of kudos for, while virtue signal anything to the world about how freaking great I am at whatever. But I say it because, while I know that so many of us Women are feeling so exhausted from millennia of putting up with the consequences of wounded male behaviour, at the same time, it’s not to be underestimated how valuable and needed female love and presence still also is, in the healing of so much trauma in Men. And how powerfully transformative it can be for the wounded Male psyche to finally find someone they can trust to bare their soul and their wounds to, who can also see and is encouraging and supportive of their highest potential, as well as compassionate to their wounds. It’s a really big deal. That kind of trust and encouragement given in a needed moment can and does literally change someone's life.


So, ok, yeah, Men need to step up for other Men and they need to talk more, as only Men can do as Men powerfully holding space for and Leading other Men, AND for Women. But it’s also all of us, no matter what Gender, who can help heal this kind of collective trauma, with the kind of presence we bring to discussion about this kind of trauma. When it comes to belief systems that really don’t serve either gender, that will, at times, be by having a firm, but lovingly intending void that calls him to be the best version of him, that can also clearly explain to him that how you just treated me/her is not ok, and how I/we would LOVE to be supported/treated instead, is….. (insert whatever it is.) AND at other times, where there is a significant trauma component also involved, it’s about how we show up with more loving presence and create greater safety for the exploration and healing of that trauma.


After writing a book on the 6 foundational Pilars of how we make it safer for us and others to show up in communication and engagement in personal and professional relationships of all kinds, I can’t help but want to elaborate on how my methodology is just as applicable here too, in terms of what it takes to create the psychological safety needed for Men to open up to talk about their mental health, traumas, behaviours and coping responses with anyone of any gender. 


To lay the foundations in which they, when they choose to take responsibility, heal and change, and can be optimally supported to successfully translate new awareness and skill in behavioural self mastery gained through discussion, into tangible behavioural change, and better outcomes in life.


According to that, in order for us to make it safe for them to open up about the mental health struggles and trauma, we need to get better at creating and embodying psychological safety and an emotionally regulated state ourselves. We need to get better at being lovingly honest (about what is needed and how we need them to show up.) We need to get better at listening better (with presence, compassion and unconditional positive regard), and at owning our own stuff. As well as get more skilled at being present with and supporting other people when they’re going through  their ‘stuff.’ And then there are some other things we both need to understand, and some it would help to stop doing. Such as:




We need to see and understand who we’re really talking to. Which means asking more questions to understand and build compassion


In so much of the online discussion and tv network, mainstream media and social media debate I’ve seen this week, it often becomes very clear to me that we’re looking at the problem and firmly calling out the problem, but not really truly seeing the person in front of us always with the trauma that we’re actually talking about. I can tell you from lived experience, personal and professional that the people we’re talking about are NOT all sociopathic, Narcissistic, misogynist monsters somewhere out there, who don’t care what they do, and are beyond redemption or reform. Who are only trying to re-exert control over, or punish people (or Women) who have done something that has triggered them into feeling disrespected and humiliated. That can be a shadow behaviour playing out in some instances of extremes. But so many Men needing to talk about mental health, trauma and aggressive reactivity, are people who we know really freaking well. But who are silently struggling with feeling absolutely pushed to their limits of coping with the stresses and demands of life and work right now. On top of relationship related triggers. And deeply confused in understanding what the hell is even required of them in relationships anymore, in these day and age in which traditional gender role expectations for done a 180. Let alone how DO they communicate and relate in healthy ways (that perhaps no-one ever role modelled or taught them,) to help them communicate their needs and boundaries effectively, AND successfully repair and resolve conflicts with the people around them that they care about most?


Many are beautiful, sensitive souls, who really DO want to understand how they can show up better and be the absolute best of themselves. But many of them are also victims themselves of abuse and violence. Or might be struggling with trauma and PTSD. You can’t always see it when you’re looking at the behaviour and demeanour of a yelling, angry, volatile Man acting out, or reflexively replaying the very things he grew up witnessing…and has long been terrified of also becoming. And we can’t see it when we look at a page full of statistics. But often within that Man, are the remnants of a terrified, and hurt little boy. Who had minimal support to help him understand what he was going through, who had minimal support to learn emotional regulation and healthy coping and communication tools, let alone how to heal, or cope. Who grew up thinking that how things are or were for him, are normal. Yet we don’t often talk about the adult, with nearly the degree of sensitivity, respect or compassion, or want to wrap our arms around and help him, as we would if the hurt, scared little boy version of him was standing in front of us, asking for help.  IF though, we can come to the discussion understanding that we might well actually be talking to (and about) that person, and be willing to ask questions to better understand our fellow brothers, rather than with a pre-judged presumption of guilt before innocence, or the stigma of stereotypes, then we can make it a whole lot safer for more Men to open up and share.




The judging, shaming and stigmas is exactly why a lot of Men still DON’T feel at all safe to open up about mental health, abuse or trauma.


But when we don’t, the judgement, shaming and the stigma we attach, DOESN’T make it feel safe for Men, or people full stop to engage in the needed conversation.


And I’m not sure that I’m exaggerating when I say that, in my understanding, for an otherwise well meaning, good hearted Man to reveal ones past trauma and maladaptive trauma responses, past aggressive or sexual behaviours that might have caused harm, to many Men feels like a form of personal and professional suicide. Or to be publicly outted by someone else, feels like a personal and professional death sentence.  Because of both the stigma that they fear is going to be attached to them, as well as because of everything that they fear is going to be then taken from them if they do. Potentially material and employment opportunities, yes. Potentially their reputation and status through public naming and shaming of things. As well as, at a deeper level, there is a huge fear of the withdrawal of things like love, approval, admiration, respect and a sense of belonging, or worst case, continued commitment to the relationship itself, whether personal or professional. And the fear of loss of access to children, family members and people they love.  In other words, there is a huge fear of being abandoned and punished for revealing their perceived mistakes and entirely human and normal areas of struggle. Like that “Y” that they brand into the Cowboys and Girls in Yellowstone, that kind of stigma has a way of sticking, burning, scarring up and continuing to be publicly visible and searchable now for decades, if not a lifetime to come, thanks to the wonders of modern technology. And the cost of all of that feels massively harmful, as much often, as the potential consequences of NOT doing anything about it and something harmful happening to someone he cares about as a result, horrify the part of him that wants to win at being Provider and Protector, just as much. Which leaves him then trying to work through all of this alone, with minimal support, or resources to help. Other than what he can piece together from freaking Til Tok and Youtube and copies of, say, Men’s Health. I’m not saying that this makes it ok, but when you start to comprehend how life threatening this must feel, you can start to understand why the self defensive and self protective behaviours when you name their behaviour before they’ve had a chance to to choose to. Behaviours like denial, gaslighting, and deflecting blame back onto you or something you did, or not hiring or firing you, or ending the relationship, for example, start to get enacted out of fear. I’m not saying that this makes any of them ok, I’m just trying to help us understand why, so that we’re better equipped to provide constructive help, rather than blame, shame and judge what we don’t yet understand.


So IF we’re to be able to successfully make it safe enough for any and all Men to talk about such things, one big thing that would help, is to STOP with the judgement, the guilting, shaming and labelling of Men’s entire characters as corrupt, as opposed to naming the problematic behaviour that is occurring and what to do about it. And the negative reinforcement style punishing and talking down to him like he’s the scum of the Earth. If we give the benefit of the doubt to the sentient adult desire present within many Men, to want to do and be the best version of themselves, then they actually also DON’T actually need to be judged and screamed at like our Parent, or that one Teacher in response to something naughty we did when we were 5, to get the download on that what they did was not what we wanted of them. What they DO need to clearly understand though, in objective, clearly communicated terms, is what the problematic behaviour they did IS, HOW they need to show up instead, and WHAT tools and resources they will require to help them execute needed action in the creation of that.  IF we could practice doing more of that when it comes to talking about male behaviour with Men, let alone when we talk about these issues in public, then we might find that a lot more Men might start to feel safer to come to the party of discussion.




Can we kindly stop acting like we ourselves are so much better than and above the problem, and admit that we too, are human?


This one will be a tough pill to swallow for some. But please give me a chance to recap the most basic of principles of what we in Therapy call shadow work. And that is the notion that, as humans, we ALL, every single one of us has a dark side. BUT, what makes the difference, in not harming to others with it, are 1) awareness of it, 2) taking ownership of it 3) understanding of options about other ways we could be showing up instead and then finally 4) the self-motivated choice we then make about HOW we show up in future instead, and with what intent. But why do I say we need to stop acting like we’re disconnected from it and it’s someone else’s problem out there?


Have you ever felt the strong, inner protective Mama/Papa bear urge to protect a sibling, or a child, or a partner, who was in danger, and been willing to act upon it?  Have you ever had a bad thought about, or did 3, 5 or 14 year old you, ever get stuck in anything from hair pulling and toy snatching, to a full on fight with your siblings, or some kid at school?  Have you ever got a warning or a red card on the sporting field?   Have you ever misread a sexual advance, or been physically affectionate towards someone, only to see them withdraw in award discomfort? Have you ever had a partner, and no matter what your gender, had a moment where someone hit on them, without a single thought to how that impacts you OR them, and then felt that inner urge arise to shove them back against a wall, get up in their face and start yelling “oh, you see me NOW???” Even if you didn’t actually do it? Have you ever had to contend with an ACTUAL bear, or a 1 tonne Bull coming at you (welcome to my childhood on farm), and channel an appropriate degree of energy to motivate it to change it's path or intent? Then as it turns out, a whole bunch of us AREN’T actually removed from it at all, are we? Perhaps we’ve learned to overcome it…and have something valuable now to teach about HOW to do that. But if we’re really honest, #metoo BUT IN THAT “#WETOO have been guilty of human violent tendencies.


We too might be afraid of the consequences of admitting it, but no matter how evolved (and spiritual) we might have been working to become, as humans, every single one of us, pushed to our limits, has both instinctive responses around responding protectively or defensively as a part of our fight flight responsiveness. As well as, has the capacity to be psychologically triggered into a state of high reactivity, under the wrong set of circumstances, whether we go on to act upon it or not. Obviously the HOW of how we deal with it is everything in such scenarios and crucial to the level of safety of everyone on the receiving end of our behaviour. But the sooner we can admit that, and stop projecting onto others, our judgements of ourselves and our own conduct, the sooner that we make it safer too, for others to be able to be honest with us about where they’re struggling with their own fight flight reactivity, trauma and problematic thoughts and behaviours that they’re struggling with. And the sooner we can get them help and support when and where it can actually make a difference?


I think sometimes we can also be afraid too that admitting the shadowy behaviours that we’ve experience out loud as “normal”, will inadvertently, encourage and enable the expression of more violent behaviour. And the whole of society might then plunge into violent chaos…. even more so than we’re already at war with each other in actual war zones, on the streets and on social media. And yet, to start to make it safe for those of us who most need to have conversations about our wounding, trauma, self defensive behaviours and maladaptive coping behaviours, we also need to be able to compassionately acknowledge that they’re NOT alone, because violent behaviour has LONG been a part of being human. 


It’s important for the discussion that leads to ownership, healing and transformation, that we acknowledge that we may not be able to undo history, or the harm that came from it. BUT it’s what we DO about it and how we show up next, that is absolutely within our power to control, and where we can create better outcomes going forward. More than that, it only takes one moment of awareness, combined with a moment of choice, to break a pattern of 12 plus generations of intergenerational trauma. So it’s SO important that we create the psychological safety for more Men to be able to get to that point of awareness and choice. And then choose a different course of action and set of outcomes going forward.




Drop the belief that “People never change and are incapable of change.” 


I’ve long thought this one is both counterproductive and potentially self fulfilling, in the sense that, if we’re going to commit to believing that, then this is exactly the experience that life is going to mirror back to us. Not because change is NOT possible, but because we’ve literally (in this instance) “cock-blocked” our own capacity to change, or to receive the benefits of others changing, by choosing to believe that people can’t change. More than that, I think we need to be really careful about listening to the Psychologists and Protective Workers out there who’ve become so jaded from all the times they’ve seen clients for whom change wasn’t achieved, and then started telling their audiences to look at people’s past behaviour as a reliable indicator of their future conduct. In my estimation, we need to be aware that the sample they’re commenting on, is actually highly biased and not an accurate representation of the whole population’s capacity FOR change at all. Because the healthy people who DID succeed in overcoming their shadowy ‘stuff’ with some other form of help and support, possibly never had need of walking into their office, and therefore aren’t included in the statistics they’ve gathered on potential for change? It’s the people who are struggling the most who end up in Therapy, or Treatment Facilities or Justice or Protective Services. So I’m sorry, but I think it’s time we stop entertaining this “people can’t change” belief, because is it really helping the people who need and want to change, to change? 



Granted that yes, there are some people that are already so far down the trauma rabbit hole, or sociopathic, psychopathic rabbit hole, that there’s only one place left for them to be managed.  And thankfully, there are many people on the planet who've manifested here at this time, feeling, knowing that is their purpose to be a part of managing this. BUT, it often occurs to me, that if I can have shown up in a way in roles past, that helped motivate and support a whole bunch of Men with a history of trauma and a history of anger issues and violent past offences to make their own choice to do the work and succeed in turning their lives around, but some Experts can’t, dare I say it, that maybe their clients are not actually the problem here?  But the way that they’re practicing IS, and rather than using the time, energy (and power and influence as Leaders) to get on debate panels and YouTube videos and telling the world that people can’t change, they’d be better off going back to supervision to finish their healing, and getting further educated on what it takes to facilitate lasting change, to ensure that they’re better able to facilitate human behavioural change going forward? I’m sorry, but not sorry, for the rant on that. Because It’s part of our job as Practitioners, to realise when we are NOT helping and actually getting in the way of the very thing that we got into this occupation to create?





We also need to respect privacy and confidentiality in our discussions about the subject matter (and bring this back as a necessary consideration in relationships of all kinds. 


Finally if we want to make it safer for more Men to talk about mental health, trauma and reactive behaviours they’re struggling with, then dare I say it, that we also need to deescalate the massive threat that’s emerged in recent years of oversharing any and every little detail, in the name of authenticity, combined with what I think has become an over-reliance upon group engagement, using public disclosure and shaming tactics, to motivate someone into change. One of the biggest reasons both are becoming so problematic, is that it’s becoming too common that we air the grievance in public, before we’ve ever actually made an attempt to alert the other party in question , and or made sufficient attempts to resolve the matter in private FIRST. One of the things that remains very necessary for trust and psychological safety to both be initially established in relationships, as well as restored in relationships after times of relational injury, AND is ESSENTIAL to making it safer for more Men to talk openly about what they’re going through, is our willingness to respect people’s right to discuss and resolve such things with us privately. And or to negotiate with each other first, what is and isn’t acceptable to both parties, in terms of what we do and don’t share in public. As well as discussing HOW we will go about resolving our differences and who we will, or won’t involve in such matters. 


While, yes, some of the very behaviours we’re talking about, can continue to thrive in private, if not identified and addressed, we’ve also got to temper this with understanding how essential respecting privacy also is to the establishment and maintenance of trust and psychological safety within relationships. So if we want to get that safety back, AND simultaneously make it safer for the group of Men in this article to feel safer to talk and seek help, we need to get back to the place in society where, as a part of the most basic of human respect we offer others, in all relationship scenarios we make it standard practice to discuss 1) what is and isn’t acceptable to both parties, in terms of what we do and don’t share in public, 2) HOW we will go about resolving our differences and 3) who we will, or won’t involve in such matters for help and support. 




In order to re-establish or establish greater psychological safety and a space of trust for Men (and all of us) to talk about our problems, just as Therapists have been agreeing to do for as long as they’ve existed, (and the law actually still dictates in many settings that we are required to do) we need to offer the very people that we want to open up to us, the reassurance that we will respect their right to privacy. And if we ever feel concerned that we might need to involve another appropriate party, because they or others might be at risk of serious harm, then it’s best to discuss ahead of time, early on, what our agreed upon strategies will be to deal with that, if and when something happens. Then, when it happens, we do our best to let them know that this is our concern, that we think the plan now needs to be enacted and who we would therefore like to call on for help at such times. Before we ever just go and break their confidence to do it. When we be clear about that process and honor it later when it happens, it helps the intent of our love and support to continue to be perceived. Whereas if we just blindside people in the moment, by freaking out, disengaging and then either calling in 3rd parties, or even worse, going to the whole of socials to act as a very public and completely non-regulated therapy circle for advice, we risk destroying trust and creating an abandonment and betrayal wound, by having broken their trust. Which then becomes a potential block to them engaging with us in the resolution of the problem. The risk is that it leads to an ending, instead of a continuation, where an issue could’ve potentially been worked through in a healthy way, on a need-to-know basis only?




Granted that yes, very often, sometimes some people aren’t ready to, or refuse to be accountable for serious behaviour that negatively impacts us, and that might leave us little choice BUT to involve, in instances of abusive behaviour, family members, friends, support professionals or, worst case,  the police. Or in professional situations, Managers, HR or Security teams and worst case, professional/regulatory bodies or unions. BUT when it comes to maintaining trust in relationships and our capacity to move beyond instances of relational injuries, like abusive behaviours, breaking someone’s trust I believe, or airing our business in public, should NEVER, ever be our FIRST resort. But be the absolute LAST resort. Nor should social media EVER have become one big, unregulated, unmoderated Therapy Circle for our human catharsis, without any consideration of what is the purpose of me sharing this? What are the potential benefits and consequences of me doing that? For me and others? And is it actually something that I need to share in public, or would I AND others be better served to work on this in a more appropriate setting? And then only ever share if there is a teachable benefit, and all parties agree to that sharing?  If we want more Men to feel safe to open up about mental health, trauma and violence, then we need to show them again that we are willing to respect and support them through negotiating privacy and confidentiality related concerns.




We also need to master forgiveness to be able to move beyond these wounds, but understand what forgiveness is and does not do too


Being willing to become aware of own “stuff” and then being willing to commit and follow through to doing something constructive and effective about it, to get better outcomes in future, is an absolutely essential part of both creating psychological safety in relationships. And admitting responsibility and atonement also are a necessary component of facilitating the process of forgiveness that is required, for us to be able to move forward beyond at incident of harm occurring in any given relational setting.  Hence the lack of willingness to forgive, as much as the refusal to admit responsibility, can both potentially become blocks to us being able to move forward and reengage beyond relational injuries. So the role of both in how we ever reengage Men with a history of abusive behaviour, who are willing to do the work, in both personal relationships, as well as in society, is a needed part too of this discussion. If we’re to move forward in a constructive way, with the 1/4 to 1/3 of our entire population in question. If and when they become ready to own and atone. 


It’s tricky, because we have to keep holding a boundary and ask to them to rise to a standard of how we agree to care for and treat each other in this instance, until they are motivated to choose for themselves the need to change and do the work. And our intuition becomes a great tool of discerning in the end, when someone is actually not committed and actually bargaining, lying, manipulating in trying to say all the right words that would indicate that they want to heal, but yet are still doing all the problematic behaviours (like continuing to drink or take drugs, or hang out with the bad influence friends, or like buying material stuff to try and fill the inner void,) instead of, say, committing to the necessary change actions, like going to the Men’s Group, Support Group, or the Therapist who could actually help support them to do the necessary inner work. Plus surround them with people who will support the necessary change and create better outcomes in their lives and relationships going forward. But when someone DOES choose to own and atone and do all the right things though, and we choose to forgive and reengage, the next move forward has to be an act of trust and faith. Of belief in the best of them, and in that the light in them, and desire to grow into their highest potential, is in fact louder, than their willingness to let their wounds continue to run the show. 


We can have a lot of resistance to forgiving though. So sometimes we need to clarity what forgiveness is also NOT by default. That it is NOT being a self disrespecting doormat, that it is NOT going to have you be seen by default by them as weak and a pushover that they can take advantage of. (Actually more often than not, when that person is sitting in that dark place of wanting to hurt others to make themselves feel better, the fact that you were willing to forgive them anyway and why, will play on their psyche for an eternity, long after you’ve moved on.)  And it is NOT giving permission to someone to just do the same thing to you again. If you forgive just to keep the peace, before they’ve actually owned or done anything to warrant it, maybe. So I think we’ve got to be careful to remember that forgiving is not by default, enabling or encouraging shitty male behaviour, or human behaviour full stop. 



But to come full circle back to where I’ve started (and as I talk about in my book), sometimes holding high and strong in the energy we want to embody and want to be met in, IS the answer. Sometimes the answer is staying high in bringing forward the highest version of us, and then calling the highest version of them back into themselves and into the room with you to have that discussion. And on the other side of ownership, to get through this in a healthy relationship, when they take accountability and commit to concrete action on creating that change, both forgiveness AND maintaining your connection to the best of him/them, and connection to THEIR vision for the best version of themselves, is an absolute necessity for the successful evolution of that healthy, psychologically safe relationship. While their ability to forgive themselves needs to happen separate of our giving it, our willingness to try and move on and focus on who we can both be now in the future, beyond our mistakes and ghosts of the past, certainly is a co-factor in both our ability to successfully co-create those better, mutually beneficial outcomes going forward, together. 



I could go on and on, but I think these are some of the primary concerns that came up in my thoughts, as I thought about how we do better as a society at addressing, healing and transforming this current set of problems involving both non-constructive belief systems that are causing significant harm. As well as what some of the REAL problem is, as it relates to healthy relating dynamics, self mastery, and the healing and transformation of trauma. Collective, individual and intergenerational. Especially in this instance, as it’s impacting many Men.


I don’t by any means claim to have ALL of the answers to all the angles. But if you read anything in this that you think may benefit others, please do feel free to share this on.


Thanks so much for the time to read my white paper of a blog, it’s much appreciated.


Until next time…..

I've been a little quiet lately, but so far this year has been shaping up true to prophecy on the delivery of moments that totally work out....but are often "off plan" from what I was WILLING to happen, or from what I might have expected. I did, but didn't expect to be starting the year with an unexpected move. And a non planned 2 month  (instead of 1 month) break from almost a decade of often 6-7 day weeks and 10-14 hour working days. Did, but didn't expect to still be running live arts and entertainment events. Did, but didn't expect to be getting a pay rise. Did expect to still be running a trauma informed Counselling, Communication skills Coaching and Training practice in my early 40's. But definitely didn't expect to be appearing on Netflix in an Australian Dramedy, crisis counselling a group of students as a Teacher Librarian in an establishing flash forward shot, first 40 seconds into episode 1 of a show, 2 years into my 40's.  How I fill my days is now so vastly different to 3 years prior. I've had to completely rethink lately how to be and show up, how to think about and what to do with those extra quiet and unexpected in-between moments, that lay between both projects, life's signposts, and life's next pinnacle success moment too. Stick with me, because there's both a personal update or two....and a message here about the navigation of the in-between moments. Relative to how we define and from where we derive both our happiness our a definition of our value and success. 



While I've had a few quiet moments lately of celebrating being done writing and moving onto the next phase of getting support to edit and format my book, one of the other things I've been getting excited about this week, is the launch of one of the TV shows I got to work on mid last year on Netflix this Thur the 11th of April.  


I’m really grateful for the 1 day, that turned into 10 days that I got to spend on the set of Heartbreak High Season 2, being resident Teacher Librarian for many reasons. This was such a lovely, amazing, dedicated, hard-working, talented and just all-around beautiful bunch of humans to work with. So I can't help but just be excited and happy for everyone who appeared in, or worked on this, as it goes live.  But this was also the perfect opportunity that found me (and became a recurring core backgroundy thing) at a time at which I was wanting to (inconspicuously and gently) stick my toes back in the waters of film and television and see how it felt. Having the opportunity to do so cemented my inner conviction, that, from an Acting and a Production and Direction standpoint, that “YEP, I DEFINITELY want to be doing more of this again, in a paid professional way. So I’m been both excited to see how this came together, super excited for this awesome young cast and for everyone who brought these touching, relatable,  needed and very often funny storylines to life. As well as just being grateful for the opportunity.



At 42, both the pivot to picking back up on a path that I'm a newbie at, compared to the relative certainty and predictability you get to after a decade of 10,000 hours and hitting some version of what you thought was the peak of your game in another capacity, (both in the Allied Health and Alternative Wellness industries, as well as in Customer Service and Sales) has taken a lot of mental adjustment. And required some deeper inner work and healing on the places in which I've STILL been guilty of propping up my own wounds around self worth, significance and value with external measures of achievements as being indicative of my value in the world and to others. As well as calling for a total re-think and overhaul on how I spend my time.  And a re-working out what exactly I need to be filling extra available time WITH. Once upon time, daily to fortnightly, to monthly, that was regularly seeing clients and regularly pumping out some form of educational content, that the world could constantly see and that I could independently produce at great speed.  While I’m sure streaming platforms Execs would salivate if they could do it just as fast, group creative projects with hundreds of moving human pieces often don’t move at nearly that same speed in their production timelines. Let alone launch plans.


Rarely does anyone talk about this out loud, about this thing that happens once you become well known for and then start to receive a lot of external feedback and validation from external sources, about how reliant your ego can become upon that constant external feedback from supporters and or consumers of whatever it is that you do. Or how you wean off the seeming reliance you can inadvertently develop upon it, to bring the locus of control back to self determination and definition of your own worth and value.  Less established performers, like as yet unknown Entrepreneurs, just don’t get that same frequency of external validation. Let alone that the public launches for any given Performer or Actor/Actress, may well have A LOT longer gap between the pubic content launch to the world of projects, compared to the speed and frequency at which a solo Infopreneur (or small team of us) put out content and marketing related to launches.


So, I’ve found myself privately recontemplating often 3 questions, as a lesser known commodity in the creative realm that I had left behind somewhere in the decade prior.

No 1 being how do you cultivate your own intrinsic sense of significance, value and worth, when it seems to you AND the outside world looking at your socials, like nothing 'professionally big' is happening with you right now? And hence you’re no longer getting that constant external validation and feedback of what value you're bringing to the world? What work does it really take to heal those inner wounds of self worth, significance and value? And to pull your power and focus back from "what do others think?" to what do I think and what great things about myself do I see for myself?

No 2: what can I be doing to take the initiative to make daily creative progress towards my goals and make this happen for myself, beyond what I did when I first started in my late teens, waiting for the next right thing to find me?  
So that I am taking the reigns of initiative where I can to do my part of making tangible progress towards my goals?

And
No 3, and possibly most importantly, what can I be doing and how can I be showing up, every moment each day of the journey along the way that not just gets me paid to be of service doing things I love, but that brings me a constant sense of enjoyment and fulfilment through the quality of engagement along the way?

Without getting so preoccupied and caught up with what others think; with what respect, or love, or attention some part of me thinks I've either lost for no longer showing up in service in a particular way, or is now waiting at some point in the future after I become and achieve "X" to be worthy of again receiving such love and respect from future colleagues, future partners, future friends? It's such a tricky thing trying to be present in a world that defines so much of our value based on markers of external achievement, wealth, status and success) without taking on and letting your mental boat get flooded and sunk by all the b@#$sh$t projections and judgements we hold around value and success?


As is the case for many people, something IS of course still happening behind the scenes when I'm quiet. The private business of family, friends and dating and relating I've felt the need to pull right back from talking about, in order to reestablish some sense of privacy, trust and psychological safety, in a world in which oversharing of what was once private business, I think has become also as much a part of the problem.  But professionally speaking, In case you're curious, for me lately, in addition to the self publishing design related activity, to the working of live entertainment events and the consideration of when to launch another round of private practice engagement opportunities, there is once again, screen related study going on, relating to being on BOTH sides of the camera, and attending webinars and industry and networking events. After a decade of learning about and Mentoring on Education Marketing, I've simply pivoted into creating an Acting related marketing and content creation plan that is in development. I've been finding a lot of joy and fulfilment in working daily on that. There is script writing going on. As well as script learning, rehearsals, self taping and auditioning constantly going on between other paid things. And this is a part of my life again. Which sometimes feels very far removed, compared to the realities of 2 years ago, of sending or replying to 100 messages and or making 30 phone calls about events or programs on any given day. Or seeing 3- 12 -400 clients at any given event. But why do so many of us in this day and age, feel like we owe the world an explanation of what we do with our private time anyway? To justify and validate our existence, our progress, our value and dare I say it, our lovability? 


While I don’t think there is a human alive that isn’t constantly living under the weight and anxiety of being constantly judged by someone somewhere, let alone us judging ourselves and whether we are or aren't yet "good enough", in this day and age, the former Relationship Coach in me often wonders whatever happened to seeing and appreciating each other in the moment, for exactly who we are, and what we bring to the table, in this moment, right here, RIGHT NOW? The more that I've worked with people the last few years in a private practice capacity, the more I've come to fear that it's not just me, but whole generations of us now, that are pushing away the possibility of both connection and happiness that could be available in the present moment, while so many of us are so busy striving trying to get to some pinnacle and be some potential future version of us, that we don't think that we are yet. And it's completely fracking up our ability to interconnect and engage with others in healthy ways in the present moment right now. While we put off engaging until we're finally "enough."


If we're not careful, there are certainly no shortage of people in the dating realm who'll reflect this fear straight back at you. When you DO encounter the guy via friends or dating apps who’s like, “so what are you, like the  stereotypical broke, struggling Actress working in hospitality,” instead of lowering yourself to retaliating with “yep…and what are you, the stereotypical corporate coke addicted, partying finance guy, trying to use KPI’s, status and material stuff to impress people, in place of any real lasting ability to actually connect and influence in a meaningful way?” It can be the great mirror reminding you that you've given too much of your power away to such beliefs and or other people's opinions of our value, that actually say a whole lot more about their opinion of themselves, than they really do about our own value. And can be a sign that we both need to do a bit more healing and inner work AND need to get back on with the business of doing you in a personally meaningful and purposeful way. And refocus back to engaging with and appreciating the gifts and opportunities that are already waiting in the present moment, with the other people like us, who are also living in it.


In reality, my own past experience has shown that there are A LOT of moments in life that people out there don't see, between the short lived moments of pinnacle achievements and moments of success posted to the world that they DO see. It's not the first time I've said it, but my fear with the younger generations now, is that we’ve all been so pushed towards the external pursuit of achievement, status and success, of KPI’s and metrics as measures of our significance, value and worth, and are now so riddled with anxiety and grief along the way about what we DON’T yet have and haven’t yet achieved, that we’re missing out on the possibilities of enjoying those little moments on the journey along the way. Toxic achievement culture (telling you to ditch those 'everyday losers who are vamping your energy and holding you back) also has a lot to answer for why some of us are becoming more and more dismissive of valuing and prioritising the nurturing of the connections that we are surrounded with in each and every moment right now. (While, I'm sorry, constantly fawning upwards to the people who we have some fantasy about them magically 'lifting us up to their level of fame, status and success' by association.) But also concerning is that we’re becoming less and less capable of deeming ourselves as worthy of actually receiving any of them in the first place? You know, because “I’m not enough yet” to be worthy of this person or that opportunity? When in actual fact, eventually getting to that point you want to get to in 1-10 years from now, actually starts with valuing and enjoying exactly everything that we are and have to bring to the table, RIGHT NOW. And engaging from that place.


In my own peak moments of past Leadership and State, National or International Customer Service and Sales success prior as one example, I never once got there (or back there) by thinking about being that every second, by sizing up the gap between me and there every second second, or even telling myself that I thought I was capable of that. But, several thousand times in a row, week after week, moment after moment, I just trusted myself to have the right abilities and the ability to channel what was needed to be of genuine service and value to everyone who walked into my space as a customer or client. And showed up for every interaction accordingly. Then periodically, some Manager, Mentor or Business partner somewhere, would show me an email or a screenshot of something that indicated what our community numbers were up to. or some stat that showed that I was now, or again, State, National or International Customer Service or Sales Leader that week in whatever particular area of service.  I actually hate saying that out loud, because every time I do, I worry that a thousand people take it a bit like the guy who told you that you were the 2000'th woman he's banged...like people are just a number. Which is NOT at all the case about the way I see anyone and everyone who ever crosses my path. But I can't make the point about metrics based success and value, without referencing the metrics???


Eventual material success is the accumulation of the thousands of moments that you just show up in service and get things done along the way. But sincere happiness and fulfilment comes I think from the moments in which we are actually fully present in the moment, with ourselves, and with others on the journey along the way. There's mental self validation and nurturing to be done. But there’s so much love, joy, laughter and relatability in that in-between space too. NOT just in the moments where we get momentarily patted on the head for the win.  The kudos we get for those moments is often both fleeting and quickly wears off when it's expression is focussed in only one direction. But the benefits of showing up and genuinely seeing and connecting with others in each and every moment along the journey, are both cumulative. And those mutual acts of love and kindness exchanged along the way, not only build connection, relatability and  trust. But also have the capacity to set off a chain of love related perpetual motion, made up of mutual and reciprocal expressions of love and kindness. And mutual vulnerable admissions of humanity and relatability. There is connectivity in truly seeing each other. Plus there is so much fulfilment and happiness that can be derived from both those acts of giving , as well as receiving the acts of love and kindness given to you by someone who has taken the time to truly see you and what value you bring to the table RIGHT NOW, in this very moment. Joy and a sustainable supply of fulfilment aren't just waiting off at some magical point in the future we're not at yet. There are though an infinite number of ways to connect with and cultivate it in this moment right here, right now, and the next, and the next. Along with remembering how to self determine our own sense of significance, value and worth.


Until next time. Have fun and take care.

P.S. you can check out Heartbreak High Season 2 on Netflix from 11th April.