Align to our bigger dream or retrofit to someone elses?

It takes a degree of risk and resilience to hold out for our own dreams, over surrendering to retro-fitting ourselves to other peoples, but if we can learn to truly love ourselves, and the ride along the way, it’s worth the wait for our destiny.

I heard the statement thrown around more than once this year (and found myself guilty of saying it this year too, at a few times where I was pouring my everything into getting some things off the ground, and feeling like I was just spinning my wheels), that sometimes it just seems to take too long and take too much out of us trying to achieve THE big vision by ourselves. Whatever the vision is. Professional. Personal. Romantic. Whatever.


What is it though that is taking too long, is an interesting line of inquiry? Why is that so uncomfortable to sit with? Is it that we want the instant gratification (in our new instant delivery, dopamine hit driven society) of instant wealth, instant fame and followship, instant likes and comments, instant success, results, or testimonials that we can share with the world as social proof of our value? And or confirmation of our worth? Or is it that we’re trying to escape some form of discomfort associated with NOT having any of those things? What do we fear is going to happen if we DON’T achieve those things in record time? Or take this option, or person, now? What do we fear that we might lose? Or who? And why might we have so much resistance to standing out there alone, as the lone sheep, that we'll dive back in to a herd at times, any herd at times, over risking leaving our wooly selves out there, fully exposed, on the way to find, or leading a herd?


Once we’re getting to these questions, I think we start to get to the REAL, deeper issues at hand, as they come up for each one of us individually. These are issues that we need to address if we are to build the necessary resilience to stay in long enough to achieve all those independent, TYPE C (as Bob Proctor would call them) bigger picture goals we dream of. The kind we, or maybe no one else we know has achieved before, they’re so BIG. In the interim, it can be tempting, I think, to try and retro-fit ourselves, to existing scenarios, opportunities or more established organisations, in order to seek the real world gains, and faster results, more instantaneously. And or to avoid what we might fear might happen if we go after our BIG thing.


Realistically, if we’re to be fair in giving credit to every single person who ever contributed to where we are today, I think we need to acknowledge that it takes a village to raise a Leader, and often a village of collective contributions, to achieve any given one of our successes; personal, professional, or relational. BUT, how do we tell the difference between when we’re following an intuitive urge to collaborate with the right people, to get the job done? Or when we might be starting to compromise a little too far, in order to “retrofit” ourselves to other people’s visions, values, projects, personalities, or lives, out of need, old habit, or mutual convenience?


If we are a puzzle piece, looking for our corresponding puzzle, or to be involved in designing one, we have to be true to our form that already is, in order to be able to have our square edges, round curves and holes, fit alongside the complimentary edges, curves and cutout sections of the existing puzzle.


Somewhere out there in the universe, there IS a puzzle that’s perfect for us. But as Missy Higgins once sang a song about, we can start to get into trouble when we start trying to cut ourselves up in order to fit, for whatever reason we’ve decided that non-fitting puzzle is the right one, or enough right now to try and retrofit into. Instead of the one we really want, or maybe, ultimately, are destined for.  


Resentments over not feeling truly met will start to develop over time when we do, as we stuff our own needs, desires, visions or deeper intuitions down and out of site, in order to fit in, in the short term. But inevitably, they will eventually burst out of our chests or mouths, like in some Alien Sci Fi, pushing their own higher "thrive" over "survive" agenda above whatever short term payoffs or gains we’ve been so far getting out of this retrofit scenario. One way or another, in order to live into our truest authenticity and manifest our true higher purpose and potential, at times at which we’re not listening to what it is, in personal, professional or relational scenarios, they have to burst back out of us, in order to get our attention and get us back on track to our higher purpose.


Which is why, if we truly want to live our biggest visions, if we truly care to do right by others, and we truly want to create opportunities and relationships that will last the test of time, i think we have got to get really good at, in every single moment that requires it:

• creating the psychological safety for ourselves to journey inwards, to the mental, emotional, spiritual depths within us, in order to be able to
• both hear and interpret our inner sensory feedback, and higher intuitive signals, that give us clues as to what it is that we really want, need and feel most aligned with doing, AND
• to be able to communicate with someone about what that is and to
• embody a quality, or
• take an action in the world

in order to help manifest them.


But then I’ve been remembering lately, there’s also a very important second part to this, as it relates to staying resilient within the long game that it might take to achieve our big vision, over the course of time. Both through the moments where we can clearly see the puzzle falling into place. But especially through the moments where we can’t see any obvious signs of it coming together, for whatever reason. Psychological, timing of things, or people coming into readiness or alignment. Whatever the reason.
At these times, some additional skills seem necessary:


1.Becoming our own best friend, Mentor, biggest fan and encourager
The ability to be able to truly befriend the person we see in the mirror every day, and engage in a generous, caring, supportive, encouraging relationship with any given aspect of them that requires our support, in the same way that we might any close friend, romantic partner, family member, professional partner, client, student or mentee in the real world, is essential to our success. Whether someone is, or isn’t available in the external world, to offer us the equivalent form of support. And especially when they aren't. If we either become reliant upon some form of external validation or support for this, or that support is taken away, we can find ourselves with a giant gap in our mindset or positive, supportive internal dialogue, that needs replacement.


That dialogue and the mental programs we have installed and running at any given moment, are necessary for staying in alignment with our highest potential and our individual and shared visions. Depending upon whether we hear and listen to the inner voice of higher wisdom, or the voice of our triggers and old mental programs, makes all the difference between whether we stay on course to the realisation of our dreams over time. Or we end up disengaging. And or chasing our shadows and wounds, over our true purpose and associated goals.


The most perfect and recent movie example I can think of, of a movie character modelling this kind of inner dialogue out loud, was Captain Pete Mitchell AKA Maverick, in Top Gun Maverick. The next time you watch it, my invitation is to do so this time with an ear open to observing how he talks to himself out loud throughout the practice runs and missions he’s flying himself, not just teaching. You might notice how he’s constantly encouraging, reassuring and performance managing his own mental focus and self talk. The voice of every external party he used to rely on for this kind of reassurance earlier in life, that he no longer has in the external world, he’s now, by this point in time, internalised for himself. And it’s become an undeniable part of what keeps him on track to such intuitively motivated “don’t think, just do” (or in his case as a Teacher, I’d say “don’t think, just BE”) high performance and elite level success and achievement of individual and collectively desired outcomes. Despite whatever anyone else out there has to say about him, his family history, past behaviour, rank, his potential or his performance. Or how much external support he does or doesn't have at any given time.


In the real world, for one reason or another, there will be plenty of times that will require of us, especially as we step more and more into leadership, entrepreneurship or true mastery of our craft, in which some of the people we love the most either won’t be coming with us, or won't be able to be there when we need, to give us reassurance, or support, or sing our praises. And there will certainly be times where they won’t be there to be happy or celebrate WITH us, whether through circumstance, or them just not being able to get beyond whatever the stuff they’ve got going on in their OWN heads about us, long enough to be there. From our side, those times can feel very lonely, disappointing and demotivating. Which is precisely WHY I say it’s so essential that we learn to BE the friend, the partner, the parent, the teacher, the mentor we need, for ourselves.


2. Learning to define our own wins and love the journey and all the steps along the way to the visions that we haven't ever achieved yet
While it is essential to get clear what our big goals are, make a clear decision to go after them, and a clear course of actions and tasks that will help progress us in this direction, I think it’s also essential that we both get ok with acknowledging and defining our own measures of progress and success along the way (no matter what anyone else thinks of our speed, or progress, or what external performance criteria we're shooting for.)


And also that we learn to really love, be fully present in and enjoy all the 'moments' along the way. That we not stop doing smaller things we love along the way to the bigger goals and find ways to enjoy some of the foundational or learning tasks we have to do first, along the way to creating them.


Having pulled a partial career change, or rather hybridisation this year, after a decade of focusing often on what it takes to succeed in confidently putting yourself, your voice, your wisdom and your message out there as a Professional, Entrepreneur or Thought Leader or Influencer (not to mention to achieve success in marketing, sales and private and 6-7 figure practice or health or human service based small business), with a few other health, NFP or retail pursuits (and or recent bouts of burnout) along the way, and having done a shifting of gears back in the direction of paid professional creative and performing arts pursuits this last year, plus, in some ways, having dropped back to being a “Rook” in skill areas I hadn’t yet developed, this one has been especially prevalent in my mind this year.


Especially in light of the constant stream of competitive rejections at times based on the one same line of “unfortunately we had many applicants with more direct arts industry experience.”  As it comes to our discussion about retrofitting, there could of course also be a message within that about the nature of 'rejection being a form of protection.' BUT, if I were to base my self worth, assessment of achievements and progress ONLY on some of this external feedback, based on what they could see in that moment, I might think I was sh$% and had had a pretty sh%tty year.


YET, if I look at it based on MY terms of analysis, I’ve achieved at least 3 of my own personal performing arts, training or personal growth related goals this year and hence successfully arrived at the base camp of my own personal Mount Everest for those, this year. Financially it also was a pretty disastrous year for both my savings and my budget to accompany a working Visa. But in my own self talk dialogue, I’ve been telling myself that I’m so freaking proud of myself for going after the opportunities and kicking these goals and constantly reminding and reassuring myself (as I rehab some abilities and bring online for the first time others) that I KNOW I’m outstanding at the things I’m feeling the call to do, even if I don’t yet have all the recent external social/showreel proof style evidence to again back that up. There’s still time and I’ll get there. And I’m certain of this. I also choose to remind myself that, in an aligned universe, I'm seeking my “right fit” other puzzle pieces, as much as they’re seeking me. That’s the self talk, self nurturing part.


And there’s the part where I’ve given myself permission to just enjoy the hell out of whatever steps and activities I’m engaging in along the way. Whether there were THE thing. Or smaller puzzle sections, on the way to completing the bigger one. Whether it was working at NIDA, painting, or singing a song for live or online sharing, whether it’s working performing arts events, submitting for parts, writing down a story idea for a script, running lines or reading in my lounge room, or living vicariously through and writing random encouraging comments to A listers, who’ve we've publicly watched put in the work and are now getting the rewards for THEIR wins, or selling brands and products I truly believe in, I allowed myself to fully enjoy just being back amongst it, to enjoy being amidst the anticipation of it and to allow the energy of it to fully reignite and come further online within me, unapologetically, regardless of what anyone else does or doesn’t have to say about it.  And I’m loving life and am finishing out the year feeling very content that way.


Which is why I say, I also think it’s so important for our resilience, that we learn to love the ride and enjoy every single moment on the way to our bigger victories. Especially the ones that we haven’t achieved and seen any real world proof yet that we CAN achieve, beyond the vision in our heads, telling us that it’s possible.


3. Coming back into collaboration from a place of greater authenticity and wholeness
Finally, once we’ve BFF’d ourselves, aligned with our truest inner vision and authentic expression of self, practiced trusting in our inner voice of higher wisdom, once we’ve learned to create our sense of joy, success and fulfilment on our own 2 feet along the way, then we’ve created a much cleaner, clearer place from which we can start lining up with our other puzzle pieces and or creating new parts of the puzzle. Now we know with certainty what we really want. Now we’re saying what we REALLY mean to say and talking with others about what is really needed. And now we’re capable of moving at greater speed together, to not overthink and just BE and DO what really needs to be done, to help bring about those bigger picture, really BIG dreams. Individual and shared. Because now the form of "us" as a puzzle piece is really, really clear. So it’s also so much more obvious to others, when they look at and feel into us, where and how we do or don’t fit together.


So any time we start trying, but feel like things relationally, personally or professionally, are still not fitting together, or we realise someone might be cutting to “retrofit” on either side, or just not manifesting at all, part of the key is to then bring it back to working on our relationship with our inner selves. And feeling out the shape and layout of the puzzle piece that is “US” again. Separate to whatever everyone else is doing out there, or whatever they needed us to show up as in any given moment.


Some food for thought, and something to feel into, as we come to that time of having the available time and space to do our post analysis for the year, and start to feel more fully into who we are now, who we want to be and what we want to do in the year (or years) to come.


Whatever the nature of our engagement in 2022, my sincere and heartfelt thanks to you for both you taking the time to read my inner musings and for the journey we’ve shared together in the year that’s been. I really appreciate you. Business wise, i'll be back online as of Mon 9th Jan 2023. Until then, wishing you a happy and safe holiday break and journey into the (Gregorian) New Year. And so much bountiful goodness, health, wealth and happiness in the year to come.
Until next time…

Nat xx