Kind authenticity leads to better decisions and better outcomes. Have you ever noticed how much better the decisions we make in life are, when we’ve committed to showing up authentically and from the heart? Or rather, how much better, more sustainable and long lasting the things tend to be, that we build upon the foundations of showing up with greater honesty? With greater awareness of things like who we really are, what we love and are passionate about, what we need, what our values are, what our boundaries and limits, or how we really feel in response to any given circumstance, or opportunity?


Let me give you an example. Say a contract that we had been working on recently finished up. (Doesn’t matter so much why; maybe it was fixed term, maybe it was an organisational restructuring thing, maybe it was a “not the right fit” thing.)  But now we have a gap in income, and only so much money in our savings. Time goes on, and  we apply for my jobs and opportunities, hoping to manifest something that feels truly aligned, professionally, culturally, relationally, values wise. But we miss a few, get rejected from a few, nothing happens for a bit, and then our savings get to a point where we start going into fight flight mode a little bit, worrying about what we're not going to be able to pay and who, and what we might lose, if we don’t get something else soon. All of a sudden, not only does the quality of the decision making change, because we’re no longer making decisions from a relaxed, aligned, heart and soul centric, “high vibe” state. But our priority might start to shift, off creating the long term dream thing, back to freaking out about surviving in the short term, and eliminating the survival stress. All of a sudden, the strict criteria on what we would apply for go out the window, along with our screening for things like true compatibility and values alignment, and we start accepting anything and everything, just to get any chance to get the money on and flowing again. To kill those feelings of anxiety and get out of “survive” as fast as we can. So we get offered a thing that’s not perfect, but we find a way to adapt our thinking about it, to make it fit and serve our present needs. But let’s be clear. The trouble is, that we just potentially compromised on some important things, and compromised ourselves to create and accept it.


Now fast forward to 3-6 months later with hypothetical “us”. And the cracks are starting to show. Tensions are starting to develop about how we and others do things. Friendships and alliances have formed, and conflicts start developing with others. "You" start clashing against aspects of the culture that you don’t agree with. And people are starting to clash with YOU as they slowly get glimpses of who you really are and how you really do things. You’re starting to long for an opportunity to be doing more of the things you really love, more freedom to be who you are, and connection with people more like you…. and suddenly find yourself annoyed by numerous work responsibilities or tasks. And wanting something more aligned. You maybe put up with this for a while longer, while you’re still looking for something else. You take your time for a bit, because at least it’s paying the bills and you’re now comfortable enough.


But one way or another, at a certain point in future soon, either something that happens with someone, is going to be the straw that breaks the camels back that makes you want to leave. People start raising more issues with you. Or, the management culture turns on you, because they’ve worked out that you don’t fit…and they start finding “reasons” to squeeze you out. (With good reason, the screening process possibly failed, if it meant too that someone who was the wrong fit, got in? Or maybe they were also so desperate in that moment, that they too were willing to settle for something less than their ideal? And you were each a perfect mirror of each others compromise for that time? ) Eventually, one way or another, “life” keeps applying pressure, until we all eventually can’t ignore it and get squeezed back out of where we’re not meant to be or stay. And our higher self so to speak, beckons us, urges us to play a bigger game, in subtle little ways. Subtle thoughts of things we’d love, day dreams, fantasies about the things we’d like to be doing and who we’d like to be doing them with; these aren’t just coincidental thoughts; there are often vital clues and hints in these about our destiny, if we can listen and trust them.


But we’ve come full circle in realising that, back to the place we started in, where we’re slightly under resourced financially, we’ve got a bit of savings built up to rely upon, while again we’re looking for a more aligned thing. Some of the people from work stay in touch, but eventually too, many drop off. If there were a progression of cards in the traditional Rider Waite Tarot deck for this cycle (and there are): We started with the Devil card (fear and other negative emotions, unconscious patterns and behaviours, addictions etc), and the World card (this is literal; a world of possibility), as well as the aces of wands and pentacles (new energy and a new opportunity) and the 7 of swords. A world of possibilities and an opportunity at our feet, after we’ve been mentally doing our head in with fearful thoughts and lack mentality and limiting beliefs. (Eg. “Work is meant to be struggle and involve suffering through hard work”. “I can’t be my true self because no one will accept or being able to handle it and I won’t fit in anymore.” “People won’t be supportive of my dreams if I’m honest.” “Doing what you really love is selfish.” “I’m not sure that I’m good enough to reach my dreams,” “I’m not sure that I can trusted others to show up for me when really need” Etc etc.  While we were in it, we would’ve pulled both the 5 of wands (conflict and competition) and (perhaps to our surprise) the 7 of swords too. The 7 of swords is about someone who’s done something sneaky, and while they’re running away from the village with a pile of swords, they think they got away with it, without consequence. Only they didn’t, because now the truth has revealed itself. The consequence is the Death and the Tower cards come next. The opportunity is dying and “life” is breaking down what’s not aligned. And then we’re back where we started, with the the 5 of pentacles. Feeling like we’re dressed in rags, on crutches, back outside the building that looks terribly abundant and like the dream within. Only we’re on the outside, facing the poverty card again. Financially and relationally, feeling left out in the cold.  How did we get here? And how do we NOT get here again? Especially if all this has happened before, and now it’s happening again?


That’s where the presence of the 7 of swords might be the surprise and the secret lesson we didn’t expect. Because maybe it’s us that wasn’t honest and manipulated circumstance to get through the door?…and for a while at least, thought we got away with it. Maybe we checked a part of our authentic self at the door when we said yes to this opportunity. We made a conscious choice to withhold relevant information in regards to how we weren’t a fit, and chose to ignore the mutual incompatibilities, to make ourselves fit with this thing. Possibly, also half the relationships that we built within this foundation of inauthenticity, go the way of the tower card now too, because they too, weren’t built on true alignment and honesty? Some might have been, but many may have been aligned with a culture or a value system that was fine for them, but that isn’t for us? And now the illusion of it all, has been revealed.


I personally believe, that when we surrender to operating from that place of fear and lack and control, we’re also not trusting in “life,” and our extremely talented multidimensional selves, conspiring with a whole bunch of others at a higher level than our 3rd dimensional brains can often comprehend, to align something for us all that is perfectly aligned with the inner urges of our soul to realise our dreams and or live into our true potential and our growth trajectory? Maybe we didn’t trust in the aligned thing, or the timing of it’s arrival, or the inner guidance that was trying to link us to it? Maybe it wasn’t happening fast enough and we couldn’t see the evidence above ground, so we maybe stepped in to try and control and force it? And surrendered to accepting anything and everything that was most easily reachable, the fastest? And missed the calls of the next step from intuition, while our mind was taking control of our safety. In the moment of poverty, that suffering of it still seemed better compared to the possibility of having no money left and ending up homeless. So we checked our authentic self at the door, and we took it. It’s run it’s course. And now here we are. And or possibly are again. And If we’re to ever break this cycle of endings and returning to poverty, and succeed in creating an abundant career, doing things we love, with a whole bunch of soul family type people we love and who truly love and are aligned with us, then it’s not just about getting better at managing and manifesting money, at looking and being in the right places, to connect with the opportunities. And being better at communication and relationships. It’s about being more honest, in how we show up in life and with others, from minute 1. It’s about getting comfortable with practicing, from minute one, putting our authentic selves on the table, highest potential, dreams, hopes, ‘faults’ still being managed in the present and all.  And creating opportunities from that place. 


The risk of that kind of vulnerability, is of course, rejection. And that doesn’t feel great. But the reward is also finding the right and mutually beneficial setting and the right relationships for us, so much faster.


Our ability to be authentic is not only the very thing that aligns us with the right opportunities, the most sustainable ones. Having authentic communication skill mastery can help us find the common ground, connect with and build rapport with almost anyone. But authenticity in communication with kindness, is also the key to finding the genuine compatibility and connectivity within any given relationship, personal and professional, that both forms the basis of and fuels the foundation building and the deepening of that connection over time. Kind authenticity, is the very thing that makes the right relationships and opportunities, sustainable and creates longevity within such opportunities.


Whoever I’m sharing this for, whoever who felt pulled to read it, let this be a reminder that you rock, you’re enough and you’re worthy of your dreams. And they’ve been given to you for a reason. Anywhere where we see a gap between where we are and where we want to be, that is entirely ‘figure-out-able’. And we will be supported and provided with the stepping stones to get there, and by authentically aligned means at that. If we can just trust in that we will and let go of ideas about how we expect it will happen, to embrace the better ways in which the higher, smarter wiser parts of us have arranged for it to happen. You can do it. You got this. I believe in you. (And me too at that.)


Until next time.

Wishing you a Happy Holiday Season and a Happy, Safe and Hopeful start to the New Year. And a massive thank you too, to everyone who took the time to continue to read my thoughts and come to my events in 2023. I appreciate you.


As I start writing this on Christmas morning, I am sitting with a view from my balcony out to Middle Harbour, recovering from some fun respiratory virus I managed to pick up in the process of Event Managing tens of thousands of people in recent weeks. I was ready and stocked up for sharing an Orphans Christmas with a few other Sydney non natives. But slight change of plans to having time and room to sit alone on this balcony. No complaints at all about the balcony, just not the plan I had planned. Yet another lesson in surrendering control, to make way for a new one.



Speaking of which, I think there's a reminder for us all within that for 2024, about the importance of surrendering out of trying so hard to strive and control the creation of outcomes. Stick with me, because I think there’s some more thoughts that are relevant to all of our navigating 2024 “gracefully” within this. Five of them precisely. 



Dare I say it, I have a feeling that there is going to be yet more stuff go on in 2024 that does it’s best to get in the way of our best intentioned earthly plans. In the same way that a pandemic, a natural disaster, a war zone (or several), an Optus, bank or VPN outage, can get in the way of our best intentioned earthy plans. SO part of that for us all, might be remembering once again to tough love hug and manage that inner 2 year old tanty of “BUT I WANTED IT MY WAY! AND I WANTED IT NOW!”  Instead, letting go and surrendering to a better, higher plan, than I or we could’ve imagined, wanted, or decided is how it SHOULD turn out.  In a world in which many of us have been raised, on the power of mind, to, with committed, consistent effort, go after what we want, and to be addicted to the pay offs of achievement, status and popularity as the answer to fulfilment and success, this is becoming an increasingly hard pill to swallow for some. But there are a few things that I wonder if “life” is going to give us yet another opportunity to remember how to practice en masse in 2024. If we didn’t already get the download?



1- Operating from higher guidance (over trying to control everything from the mind)


In 2024 and beyond, I have a feeling that full stop, this skill is going to be the saving grace that gets us back on track in the kinds of confusing chaotic times that leave us rocked in our faith and questioning our mastery over our own destiny. Tuning into the higher part of us for guidance on how to be of service and things like how and when to act, when to sit still and just be in the moment, when to surrender to receive what’s trying to get to us, in all aspects of personal and professional life.  It’s a remembering that ok yes, we can be mentally proactive in business and life planning to the hilt our success and fulfilment STRATEGY. But remembering, that our souls and higher guidance system actually have a different, more 360 view of this, than our earthy minds ever will ‘on the ground.’ And very often, they can spot a much better way for all involved to get there optimally, than we in the maze of it so to speak, sitting at our laptops overthinking it, can see. 


The intuitive way might save us and others a whole lot of extra misery, or get us there a whole lot faster too. But one thing is absolutely certain too, it will be grounded in what is the truest, most authentic way for us and others to realise our highest potential. Minus so much of our ego’s playing out so much “stuff” trying to resolve our wounds and defences along the way. Or getting pulled into the resolution of others' 'stuff'. While some of that might indeed be just as needed and our actual destiny to learn and grow through, higher guidance will still help us navigate the lessons with far more speed, ease and grace, than it might take “our powerful minds” to trial and error their way to figuring it out “the hard way” 17 times in a row, with 17 different parties, all potentially ending is comparable heartbreak, while we try and get the download. Get my drift?  Intuition makes growth more graceful, period. 


And then sometimes it’s just a far better ‘productivity hack’ too. In the way of the difference between random busy action, trying to prove to ourselves that we’re slaying it, doing something vaguely related to a goal, and tuning in to get a download on the people one could contact and the specific actions that one can take today that immediately put us and them on course to that. It’s the difference between ringing 100 relevant people, and ringing the 5 that will be at their phones in the next 30 mins and are also trying to manifest whatever it is that we bring to the table too. 


It might be time in 2024 (now that so many are so far now past burned out to the point of so very many having literally no patience left to even speak to complete strangers with the most basic of courtesy, decency and respect) to stop “efforting” so hard, trying to control every single last aspect of our lives and others. And connect back in with higher consciousness. 


If the recent Optus outage showed us anything, it’s how far down the rabbit hole we’ve got with outsourcing our intuition to devices. So while the devices are getting ever more clever, maybe it’s time to put down the devices a little more often and remember how to tune in and tap our intuitive guidance again for ourselves. (I think that it’s a mistake to think that our intuition is somehow inferior to the industrial complex’s might behind a bunch of A.I., based on a few hundred years of data gathered mainly by humans on one planet called Earth. When our intuition has access to the vast universe wide web of all knowledge, across every dimension and aspect of existence that ever was, is and will be, over trillions and trillions of years and cycles of existence? Feels a little limiting of our full potential to me actually to NOT use it?  But each to their own?)



2- Re-centering and grounding ourselves for the wellbeing and basic safety and wellbeing of others 


Re-centering and grounding ourselves full stop is an essential skill to relax our nervous system out of the constant state of fight-flight they are often now in, in busy cities. Working with tens of thousands of the general public 7 days a week often this last year as a mere mortal again (because most Sydney siders treat you a whole OTHER way if they’re think you’re ‘a someone’), it was completely obvious to me that many people are so far past their own limits on stress and exhaustion now, that the second you say anything that isn’t exactly what they wanted to hear, how they wanted to hear it, they go off on you like toddlers in the supermarket 30 minutes past their afternoon nap now, yelling, spitting, and throwing things at you in the process. As Australian Retail Association surveys of retail, customer service and fast food workers across the country backed up that this was also the experience of 85-92% of others too on the front lines this year, I would say that it is now mission critical to not just our own health and wellbeing now, but also to the basic safety and wellbeing of others, that we ALL commit to learning how to state manage and emotionally re-regulate ourselves during stressful times. (Under the new 2023 workplace health and safety code of practice upgrades coming in this week, and under the newest law IN NSW and SA protecting Australia's 1 in 10 people working on the front facing front lines, anyone who still thinks this doesn't apply to them, might literally find themselves in either HR or being questioned by Police now as a prompt to "self awareness.")  



3- Grounding and re-entering ourselves to connect with our intuition


 (Amazing how auto-correct just changed “centering” to re-entering ourselves…..same thing, so I’m going to leave it as it is!?) As well as grounding ourselves, shifting our state is essential to being able to hear our inner intuitive voice mentioned above.  Like trying to answer a mobile phone in the middle of a crowd at a concert, how much of it do you hear when you’re surrounded by outer chaos and noise? Not as much as you could? That’s why practicing both mindfulness and meditation are so critical now as skills, to be able to pin point that inner voice, amidst all the other noise and signals of the world, others and the deafening sound of the shadow antics of a few thousand years of patriarchy coming apart at the seams too.



4- Grounding ourselves and staying in “our lane” over getting pulled into the fight


Which brings me to the next point. When so much of world right now, face to face and online, is so constantly spoiling for a fight right now, how we NOT let ourselves get pulled into the fight, feels more relevant than ever. To do that, we also have to be able to slow down, ground and centre ourselves, to switch out of “mental” and “fight flight” gears and deliberately choose to stay connected to the power of heart, soul and higher consciousness. And then keep engaging others and calling others to engage with us in this state. 


It takes a whole lot of self discipline to choose self responsibility in the face of someone working either massively overtime or massively under effort to push our buttons, and to look in the mirror at what we might not even realise that we’re playing out and why (until someone else becomes the mirror?) And then choose not to play into things like judging and stereotyping, blame and victim consciousness, unleashing our own stuff for catharsis, competitiveness, tribalism and the endless need to put someone (often ourselves) into the box of righteousness and superiority and someone into the box of “lesser than” and “enemy’ and dehumanise them completely.  To justify then doing whatever is necessary, in a world where competition, "Saying it like it is", survival of the fittest, the zero sum game and war have long been marketed as both a necessity and and the answer we all need.  While we reach a break through point of the masses realising how much they really aren’t. But then not really understanding either how to disengage from the mind games and the war?


Simultaneously, we’re reaching a breaking point of tension right now over our differing views in 5 areas in particular; over our political views, religious and spiritual world views, personal development related views, diversity, equality and inclusivity views, and of course, scientific views over what is the most evidence based and scientifically credible vs ‘disinformation’. The breaking point being in how stubbornly and rigidly we’re hanging onto that our way is THE way and how frustrated we’re letting ourselves become over why the other can’t just get it and change to our way? Or is such a d1#$ about it at least?


But that’s the thing. What if we don’t even need to argue? Because what if they’re not MEANT TO surrender to our way, or us to theirs? What if the whole point is them journeying and learning from THEIR way? And part of our journey as humans is to learn to be totally okay with that? To appreciate both the journey and difference, and ask what we too can learn from it, instead of getting so frustrated with and wanting to change constantly the points of difference? 


5- Remembering how to learn, NOT just how to educate and influence

What if learning actually happens to be a two way dynamic, involving 2 teachers and 2 students, not just a 1 way one? And every time we progress to a fight, we’re actually missing the whole lesson and the whole point?


True influence is still such a misunderstood concept in our world.  But true influence I think is actually dependent upon and happens only when, we’ve first established connection, after attempting to truly see the human being in front of us. And after listening to understand, and coming to understand, and then sharing from a place of more mutual agreeability, one’s own particular viewpoint. When we speak to the higher part of them, with and from heart and the higher part of us and build that connection, based on our willingness to listen and learn, as much as to share, we create a space where others are more willing to truly hear us out and genuinely consider our point of view too. Plus where they feel safe enough to sit through the process of inner discomfort, in letting it brush up against their own world view, and seeing where it does or doesn’t fit in. 


But I say again, the development of that space, is also actually contingent upon as being as willing to see them for the whole of who they are and their vast capacity as the Teacher that they are too (yes literally EVERYONE, and to learn too from them and respect and receive all that they’re willing to teach us too. Whether it looks and feels how we expect it to and want it to. Or that teaching takes a route that we might not have wanted, but that we realise in hindsight that we actually needed. Sometimes that route may involve the willingness to let go of needing to be sitting in the position of superiority or righteousness, in order to feel safe and in control? It might mean our egos need to eat a bit of humble pie, to let go of attachment to our achievements and statuses, or to let go of needing to achieve any particular outcome? And as it relates to our own greatness as Teachers, what gives us the audacity to think that we someone know better than them, what is the right way for them, better than they themselves might know, anyway?  Or can experience it for themselves?


The longer i’ve been in this game, as any form of human growth facilitator, whether an an Artist, or a Practitioner of some sort, the more I’ve surrendered to the fact that my job is not to teach people “the right ultimate way” of anything. So much as, beyond offering any particular set of practices or experiences, my ultimate job is to help people reconnect and come home to themselves. To remember who and what they really are, to their own truth and experiencing for themselves, directly, first hand, their truth and higher nature. And then to reconnect with the world from that pure place. Minus all the bull$h1t. 


I'm becoming like a broken record on this, but when we connect to that place, and look out to the world at interact from that place, no one would ever hurt anyone again. Because it’s damn near impossible to do harm, when you’re seeing and remembering that you and others, are both raw, pure, expressions of love, embodied in physical form, trying to experience itself and reconnect with it's endless expressions of self, in countless different ways. 


There is beauty again to be rediscovered in each and every moment of being with and experiencing that presence in others too, the joy of giving and being of service just for the sake of it. So much of the light we shine out into the world comes from how we show up in those moments and what that inspires and moves in others. Paradoxically, the harder though we try and grasp, to prove something to anyone,  or to influence making an impact, funny, sometimes the more elusive actually doing so becomes? 


Whatever you choose to be and how you choose to show up in 2024, wishing you so much, love, peace, ease, grace, many miracles and much abundance in how it comes to pass.


Until next year….

Anger has a distinct purpose as an inner communication signal, in that it’s most common job is to alert us to circumstances in which something has occurred that is way off base with our ideas of how things should work, how we, or others should conduct ourselves, and or be treated. But where we often get stuck in communicating about that thing with others, is that noticing the feeling of that initial warning bell, is only about 15% of the way along the journey to uncovering the full extent of what that warning bell is really trying to communicate, relative to what actually needs to be communicated to the other. Hence communicating based on that initial impulse, before we’ve had enough time to fully download the whole message RE what it’s really about, can end up being about as effective in getting us the outcome we really want, as trying to install and run a program on our laptop when it’s only 15% downloaded? Does that work? Unfortunately, no. 


Don’t kill me (and any readers under 18, please look away), but I thus also liken progressing straight to hasty expressions of intense bursts of emotion based on this initial alarm bell (and any consequential activation of our inner defence system) to the emotional equivalent of premature ejaculation.  Or in this case, the (made up) word that came to mind is “projaculation.” Because it involves both an often spontaneous emission of a whole lot of projected emotionally reactive energy, typically discharged AT another, often based on a need for immediate relief and catharsis. 


Just like the experience of pleasure and the deeper layers of energetic, soulful connection and the host of experiences that can also accompany the body’s experience of shared physical intimacy, the experience of anger also has layers of both physical reactivity, attachments to loving bonds and our heart (if we didn’t care, why would we be so bothered), plus insights and gifts attached to it, that lay in the depths underneath the initial indulgence of that early compulsive urge to unleash it. The message that it’s trying to share is also layered. And it’s rarely just about the thing that we are pointing our finger at. While 3 fingers commonly, remain pointing back at ourselves. 

“They did this to me!” the victim mentality screams.  
“What lead to them doing that to you?" I ask.
“They chose to do that”. 
"And?" I ask
"And what?"
"Did you also take the time at some point to fully explain to them what you needed? And your expectations? Or how the job is ideally, or optimally performed? Did you follow up to clarify and confirm that this was understood? And could therefore be enacted?"
“No.”
"Then who else are you really angry at?
“Me”
"What for?"
"For failing to ask for what I really needed earlier. For failing to do the best job I could of educating and teaching them how I/we expected them to show up."
"So you’re also really angry at?"
“Me.”
“For?”
“Also failing to honour myself and how I expect to be treated, to live up to my expectations about how I should behave and treat others, and for not doing what I really needed to do earlier”
So who do you need to have the conversation with to resolve that?
“Me.”
“Do you need to unleash the anger associated with that on the other party to get the message across?”
“They need to know that I’m upset.
But?
“They also need to know how to do something differently.  What doing better looks like.
“So…”
“I’m better off taking a moment to think through and reframe the message”
“To?”
“Reflect on what the real issue is, but also what is needed instead, to get the outcome we both want. As well as what I need."


And there you have it. Following through just one conversation with that anger as an example, if we listened to the voice of our inner anger a little longer, it had more to say. And what it had to say in full, was about to lead to a much better outcome for both parties, on the other side of the projected frustration at the other, that was also a misdirected expression of frustration at self. And us ideally, as well as them, getting our needs met too.


Conversely, if we just yelled at them based on our initial reaction, what might have happened instead, is the activation in return of the other parties defence system in response and the blocking of the willingness to give audience to our voice and needs under those circumstances. Might have.


I say this as an example, as its one of the the instances I’ve struggling with most in my life, on the expression end, and on the receiving end of others expression of frustration and anger. As a massive over-feeler of feelings, in person, it’s never subtle to others when something with me is either very right, or very wrong. But the number of conflicts I’ve had from childhood onwards, in which I was shut down and other parties refused to listen, because they could see and hear the growing frustration in my tone, and called it abuse, became too long a relational list at one point.  (And fair enough, because there were times in which I was a) progressing straight to projection of hurt, instead of owning what I’d never originally proactively communicated that I needed, and b) that the frustration was either often born of assuming that they didn’t care enough to notice or do anything about it, and therefore that I NEEDED to go too hard on the negative reinforcement aspect in volume, or in complaining, guilting and shaming to get the point across. Which you actually don’t.) 



And then there was the flip side of the coin on me being on the receiving end of others frustration and anger, in response to something I’d said and done, or their own projections and triggers. Which on many occasions from childhood onwards, I’d had the raising of legitimate concerns, turn into and end with me having my stuff thrown and broken, being group beaten and group sexually assaulted, or on other occasions, raped, or drunk beaten and kicked in my sleep, for some thing somewhere, that hadn’t been resolved earlier. I got then so used to being on the receiving end of other’s loss of control, that I went also to the other extreme of learning all the ways to manage and control in them what they couldn’t. Until I felt confident that I could moderate both their stuff if I had to AND better state manage and communicate mine. But in the process, also often stopped trusting in other’s ability to control their anger and frustration. Often at times (like so many in our culture now do) bowing out at the instance of it’s emergence, saying that I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready to deal with this again. 


When either side of either the expression of anger, or the side of resistance to expression of anger as a self defence, is not fully owned and managed though, we end up with a breakdown in the capacity to stay IN a relationship as whole humans and work through normal everyday confusions and challenges of work and personal life, well.   Because frustration and anger are a legitimate internal emotional communication signal, so it’s not realistic to expect others to NEVER feel them. Or to never have defensive responses to triggers within proximity of us, within the relationship WITH us. So we've got to find a way to get ok with the fact that humans are inevitably going to have negative feelings, triggers or defences, as a part of being human.


And getting to the next layers beyond the raw initial expression of anger, or defensive activation of triggers in relationship, involves at times, some self delay and a level of self discipline on our own part, to take the time first, to hear what our reactivity is truly trying to tell each of us IN FULL. And once we’ve got that download, to then communicate about that. 


So a part of mature connection and communication, also involves learning how to both stay in the room if another gets triggered, without making by default, their process about US and our safety. (And our sense of safety solely dependent upon their state.) As well as requires us learning how to “resolve things well.” Or in the case of those of us who’ve experienced others losing control of that anger and progressing to physical violence, learning how to be present again with the ‘normal’ range of negative human responses again, trusting in the capacity and commitment of other or future parties to own and manage them. Without us needing to erupt, or to shut them down prematurely, for our own perceived safety. 


Which, put into practice, at the initial signs of someone becoming triggered, might sound like acknowledging that "you see that they’re upset and you absolutely care about what they need and about resolving this. You want to understand what’s going on and how to be here for them/show up/love/care for them better/do better in this role that you’re in. But you also don’t need to have them punish, guilt and shame you in order for you to understand. As you already feel regretful that this hasn’t gone well and people have got hurt. But what you need to understand here is what do they need instead? So talk to me.... how can I give you what you need in this situation? What do you need from me here? How can I help?"


Instead of anybody shutting anybody down, this involves staying in the room with each other while either is angry or defensively triggered, but giving them time and space and the safety to go beyond communication “projaculation” so that they can listen to it and to hear what their anger is really trying to tell them. And then to still be there to have the dialogue about what comes next on the other side of that. The first few times, because projecting and defending are often such unconscious, on autopilot reactions, it might take a bit of loving boundary setting to name, lovingly, what we're witnessing is going on. 


But in emotional maturity and fighting well alike, there has got to be a commitment on BOTH sides, by each party, to owning their anger, and asking for the time and room to do a healthy process with the energy of it, within the relationship. Taking ownership of containing “the fire”, and doing anything with it, BUT what so often happens, in people using it to arm our words back to the other as weaponry. Bullets loaded full of blame, of accusation, of frustration, of score keeping and bringing back up past occurrences, of character attack, or weaponising vulnerable things the other shared against them.  


That might well be some breathing, some movement, asking for a minute and cutting a lap of the house/floor/the space and then returning, but at least some visualisation, to do something to flow the energy of it out of us.  Even if it’s us feeling, but then visualising chucking that energy at the sun, before then calling in the energy of peace, love, calmness and calling back the energy into us of the higher soulful version of us, who has some much more constructive responses to offer. And calling back in the energy of trust and (as with last week) whatever “support” and energy we need to re-embody our highest expression and be a vehicle for achieving the best possible outcomes, with and for each other.



Whatever “thing” we do with it, we're then embracing our responsibility to be a protector and guardian of the shared space between us, even and especially when it means doing something to protect the other from the volatility of ourselves.  Asking for the time to calm our system down long enough, to then give us room to listen to what our insides have to say. To use the power of insight to get the download on what is really going on. Once we’ve determined what the highest version of us (who’s playing for the team WE, not just team ME) has to say about the situation, then we communicate that back to the other. If at first, one party needs to withdraw within for a bit to get it, so be it, we need to learn to be patient with that, as a part of deescalating our inner defence systems, from DEFCON 2 (imminent nuclear war), back down to 5 (conflict's equivalent of 'rest and digest' mode.) Understanding that it’s harder to get the higher insight to download, when survival brain in running the show and we’re overcome with a cloud of feelings associated with the trigger. 



We would ideally then come back to each other with the insight about what is really needed, to grow the relationship, or get the job done well (depending on the personal or professional context.) And then work through the details of the HOW of that. Does that make some degree of sense?



Lord knows the world could use a little less premature projaculation right now, and use a little more premature self responsibility AND spontaneous emission of literally ANYTHING else from the heart. Just as each of our relationships could too. 'Just sayin.’


With love, until next time...

Unbeknown to many this week, it was kindness day on Monday 13th November, which is a day that was established in 1998, in the hope of encouraging compassion, empathy, acts of loving service and unity between people of various different backgrounds and highlighting kind acts that were being performed in the community and in the world. While it continues to be the case that far too many people still view kindness as some form of weakness, research continues to back up that kindness, love and compassion are the answer to many of the world’s problems right now.  (As if we should need a study to confirm that.) But let’s not let my frustration at the number of times I’ve needed to use the “we ask that you please communicate respectfully at all times” line with stressed out people this week hijack this into a rant.  What did occur to me though in the process of work and life this week (and book editing my book about kindness) is a couple of factors that will get in the way of us being able to fully achieve the desired outcomes from implementing the 6 pillars of creating greater kindness in communication I was talking about.


As I walked frequently back of house through the smell of sweat, dirty feet, stress hormones, verbal condescension and raised voices this week backstage at a handful of dance concerts, and reflected on the past olfactory experience of “Eau de fight” (and dirty feet) that you can also clearly detect when walking through, say, the average Ju Jitsu gym, I reflected on some of the research that suggests that emotional states are quite literally infectious. When we get fight flight activated, in the directions of fear or aggression, as much as when we feel deeply depressed, as just 3 examples, we sweat out the biochemistry of that. So if you’re working with, living with, dancing or sparring with someone who’s activated in that state, giving off that biochemistry, as we walk through the space, breathing that in, absorbing it into our skin, it is absolutely the case that we can take on not just “the energy” of the room (as some call it) and the mood, by observation or some form of empathic receptivity. But physiologically, we’re ALSO at risk of biochemically absorbing the stressed state of the room. And if we’re not aware of that, playing straight back into mirroring it.


This is one thing that we’ve got to understand too if we’re to break the cycle of verbally defensive reactivity that goes along with operating in stressful situations, and AT times at which we’re challenged. Someone has quite literally got to lead by example in shifting the state of the room at those times. Or it can and will further deteriorate into a living sh3$show of abuse and closed hearts.


Secondly, there is an aspect of successfully enacting kind behaviour and having it stick, that I’ve been debating how much of it I include in the book, when I originally started writing it with a corporate market in mind. BUT if I don’t do it, handing out the book as it is, as though it’s some form of answer, would be like asking someone to use it to successfully put together a 500 piece puzzle, while withholding 176 of the pieces. Another aspect of maintaining kindness, is also metaphysical. So at the risk of losing a sh$t load of people, in a play on the immortal words of Olivia Newton John and later Dua Lipa, “let’s get “METAphysical.”



But first of all, a little backstory for just a paragraph on why I would talk about that. As a person who is often identified as a Career Polymath of sorts, who first studied a Contemporary Arts course that emphasised the need for Creatives to be multi modality skilled in order to achieve success, I’ve long been one who has had 2-3 career paths and aspirations running simultaneously. In my late 20’s, while I was largely working in Community Services NFP’s, Emergency Services and Health RTO’s after studying my Counselling and Biological Science qualifications, I got really interested in and started studying Shamanism, Transpersonal Psychology and numerous Energetic Health and Healing modalities. As well as how trauma manifests and how to clear trauma imprints from a metaphysical, not just psychological, or psychosomatic “mind-body connection” viewpoint. Like many, some traumatic experiences earlier in life also catalysed the opening  up of some of my own extra sensory awarenesses, and later abilities to work with energy, that this professional explanation was the next step in that journey.  


But long story short, in my own personal humble viewpoint, with love and respect to the huge amount of great work being done by some very notable Psychologists and Psychiatrists in trying to heal trauma, trying to heal trauma, trigger and defence patterns,   without understanding metaphysics, feels like trying to reassemble and run a functional combustion engine, with a whole piston missing, or play an octave on a piano with a missing C key and then expecting both to sound right…when in all cases, none of these have all the components present to function optimally. Let alone the belief that it even can. Whatever metaphor we use though, It’s hard to live into our highest potential and functional optimally as humans, if we’re missing whole pieces of the blueprint and apparatus required for optimal function. And how to optimally BE a living embodiment of our highest expression and of unconditional love and compassion.


To both heal trauma, break defensive and abusive behaviour patterns and hence be able to be more kind, we need to also understand the metaphysical component of how any single one of us can also be “influenced” by beings and consciousnesses, physical and non physical, as much as the “signals” of thoughtforms and intentions of others at any given time. As well as understanding how we're being impacted by “the energy/mood” or biochemistry in the room. And there are certain states in which we become more readily able to be “influenced” by those, as much as in which we become open to being able to perceive and receive what they’re trying to say and do. 


For example, as a Shaman might describe it, when we’re under the influence of drugs or planet medicines, and our controlling monkey minds take a back seat from trying to passenger seat control our driving all the time, and our higher consciousness, or parts of our unconscious (if we want to go Jungian) take the wheel, we can be more ‘open’ to perceiving and receiving both wanted and intentional metaphysical interactions, as well as the full spectrum of 'meta to human' or 'extra to our terrestrial nature' that exist full stop out there. The same is true when we are put, or put ourselves in trance states, high energy (eg ecstatic dance or marathon running) or low energy (meditative) states. Like Frodo putting on the one ring, suddenly we can see and become aware of the fact that they were there the entire time. 


Conversely, getting drunk, or stimulated by some addictive recreational drugs on the other hand, specifically when often used with the intent of escapism, or without fully understanding what we’re opening ourselves potentially up to, tend to have the effect of putting us in a more vulnerable state to be influenced by the same kinds of characters, that might take advantage of the situation if they found us just lying passed out on the street. The shamanic perspective of this is that, when we drink or use substances to check out, it’s a bit like leaving our vehicle parked in the middle of the street, with all 4 doors open, running and the keys left in the ignition. WIth your credit cards and I.D. left in your wallet, carelessly on the passenger seat too. Some people in seeing this, would try and help. Some “beings” on the other hand, will go “hell yes, well if you’re that stupid to leave it there, you basically told me I could take it for a spin and use all your cards! Thanks Mate!”


As with humans, some of the non physical consciousnesses, or beings have benevolent, loving intent and are on our support team to help us reach our highest expression. And just like any crowd of humans we walk into, a percentage of them are suffering; they’re lost, confused or depressed energies or souls, looking for help, safety, answers, resolution, meaning, purpose, or a safe home. Just like a small percentage of humans, some also want to get their hands on something that we have, by any means that they can, and are quite willing to manipulate, or impersonate, or whisper stuff in your ear to get it. A bit like the “odd ball agitator” that occasionally gets on the bus and starts making everyone uncomfortable while they’re acting out for attention, or educating them on their beliefs that no one asked for, some of them want to bully and get their kicks out of saying something that makes everyone in the space react. Or get their kicks out of turning a room against each other and then feeding off the energy and sense of power it gives them. (We often see them, but not the cheeky 'consciousness' standing to their left and speaking through them.) And some of those souls might still be pissed off about that thing that happened in 1723 and are happy to still hang around you as spirits now, like the Green Man over Tom Hank's shoulder in the movie Cloud Atlas, whispering unhelpful thoughts in your ear, every time you, for example, try and reconnect in THIS life, with a third party who rejected them for you  back then. Or trying to sabotage your self esteem, or achievements when you’re doing well, or you’re new friendships, or relationships when they’re jealous/not a part of it/you're not paying attention to them. Basically multidimensional beings can be both good and be total jerks too. 


So just like the way we would deal with physical humans who were treating us this way, when we notice some signs that there might have been something hiding in our blindspot, “influencing us” (eg those sudden, “unexplainable” mood changes, triggers or compulsions, impacting ourselves or others ) we can also make a conscious choice for both ourselves, and the benefit of others, to do a set of practices to manage the metaphysical aspects of that. Which:

1. Set a clear set of expectations and boundaries about how we want to engage with them (or not.)
2. Call for benevolent multidimensional help and support either for them (in creating closure with them, or in just moving them on to their next soulful purpose and destination) and help putting ourselves back in order when we’ve started to be negatively impacted by whoever or whatever it was
3. Implement some energetic/metaphysical hygiene. Not unlike taking a shower after dancing or sparring with others, or just when we get covered in dirt while gardening or cleaning, it also helps immensely if we practice a daily energy/multidimensional hygiene practice, to clear off any of the emotional ‘dirt’, thought forms, or atmospheric biochemistry we’ve picked up throughout the day.  As well as 
4. “State manage” ourselves back into a psychological and physical state of balance and calm, centred, grounded alignment with our truest soulful selves and highest expression.

When we don’t, when we’re run down, or exhausted and our patience and tolerance is at it’s lowest, or we're in escapism mode, we make ourselves more vulnerable to taking on or being influenced by energies, ideas and intentions that aren’t our own. Human or meta human. And this can be a contributing factor in why tempers and conflicts flare and get worse. And or, why at times, people’s moods and demeanour seemingly go from one extreme to another, in a very short amount of time, with very little obvious external or internal trigger. Yet, they’re suddenly triggered, or filled with a compulsive urge to say and do things that might seem somewhat out of character, compared to how they felt about us or what they were focused on just prior.  


“Being kind” often gets readily intellectually accepted and advocated for, in the moments in life where life is all rainbows and sunshine. But what I feel we’re being confronted with en masse right now, is that it’s when we’re not ok, when we’re vulnerable and pushed to our limits, that practicing kindness actually matters the most.  But if we’re to truly do that exceptionally well, we also need to understand how to manage the metaphysical stuff in the room, that can be potentially compromising our own wellbeing and psychological safety. As well as that of others, and that of our relationships. 


If you have any further questions on that, always happy to do a session on what the practices that I do, that have landed me some pretty amazing feedback for the quality of the professional spaces that I’ve created and held over the years, look like. They're also pretty handy in catalysing some pretty remarkable turn-arounds in relationships and external circumstance too, once you clear out some of the "third parties" that can be subtly getting in the way.


Until next time…

These are weird, polarised times that we live in. It feels like we’re constantly being pulled into conversation after conversation now about who are you standing FOR and who are you AGAINST? YES, or NO? Collingwood, or Brisbane Lions? Israel or Palestine? Russian or Ukraine? Democratic, or Republican? For or against A.I.? Athiest, or Religious/Spiritual? Woke, or anti-woke? What if this constant obsession with sides, and the needing to storm and norm and assemble with the people ON our side is a part of the problem though? What if it’s beginning to make us more intolerant of difference than we’ve ever been, and causing more separation and division, than as a species, we can actually sustainably afford to maintain?


There are A LOT of problems in the world right now, for which I don’t even begin to claim to have an answer for.  There are a lot of injustices, on various scales of severity, perpetuating forward with such perpetual conviction right now, like wars, like continuing environmental and habitat destruction, like unchecked corporate greed, the breaking down of parts of the economy, and thousands of pathways of making a living, not to mention the loss of basic human rights over one’s own image and intellectual property, as more and more companies push to implement A.I. to achieve their agenda at any cost. Like the endless pursuit, and the justification of the pursuit, of the agenda of “ME” over the “WE” involved in any and all of these situations. They all have their scale of urgency and priority.


The prospect of war, death, violence, rape, torture, imminent frequency of ever more natural disasters, all beckon our immediate attention and intervention. And yet at the same time, when “inflation,” and the cost of housing and living v’s your wage becomes so high that far too many are at risk of homelessness, while ever more parties use these as justification not to make any promises any more about paying you by a certain time, and the implementation of A.I. in almost every area in which you’ve been traditionally employed threatens to cut the fees/income you used to be able to receive for doing all of those jobs down to something unsustainable for anyone who doesn’t have over a certain number of customers, or who is limited to any form of time for money exchange scenario to sustainably live on, it’s hard NOT to be concerned with the imminent and immediate ME related implications for oneself of this in a world that still runs on monetary exchange. One that, ever more, seems to have recently doubled back down into a lack based culture again of dog-eat-dog, every MAN in it for themselves “ME” over “WE” mentality, fuelled by fear and lack?


Faith and trust in our fellow humans to have our own back seems to be breaking down. Plus ever moreso in human facing scenarios, as a symptom of this, so many conversations seem to now so quickly escalate to a fight, based on a default expectation that the other doesn’t care or recognise our needs. And therefore a fight over who’s needs and rights, are RIGHT.  When, as I’m editing a whole book of thoughts and practices relating to right now, it doesn’t NEED to ever be or become a fight.


As we sit in Australia today, on top of a referendum that asks us to pick a side (and threatens to fine us for NOT picking a side) in regards to our Indigenous brothers and sisters having a voice in parliament, amidst the various opinions of the Indigenous Leaders and people who identify as aboriginal or Torres straight Islander on this, and the various sources of information voicing concerns about the lack of information or insufficiencies of the documents being placed on the table, it becomes hard listening to the OUTSIDE to know what is truly the right thing for all parties to do. Just as it can be confusing in a thousand other major globally impacting scenarios right now to know what is truly the best of strategies forward. In the end the best we can do, is do our best to seek as much information as we need on the subject at hand from those who can provide it, take the time to digest it and then tune in and hand it to our higher intelligence, our heart and soul and intuition to guide as to the right answer.


But as it relates to picking a side this week, I also found myself writing this:




I’m for equality in consideration of the needs of all parties in relational and group contexts


I’m for being clear and upfront in each party clearly communicating their needs, wants, expectations and boundaries, with love and kindness and the need for all parties involved to be willing to hear and consider all relevant sides and viewpoints, in an attempt to come up with a mutually beneficial pathway forward.


I’m for any party speaking up when some aspect of behaviour or action falls out of alignment with that. And working towards a mutually beneficial solution.


But when it comes to humanity, I’m NOT FOR this constant taking of sides. Because, like a circle, or better yet, a sphere, humanity has no sides. We’re all one and one within the whole.


If we’re to ever get out of the multitude of predicaments the human race now finds itself in, we have got to remember that, now more than ever.


We have got to stop seeing and focusing on the vast chasm of our differences and mistakes. And start seeing the other again, in the NOW, for their humanity, with all its depth, complexity and hidden vulnerability. We have got to start looking for the beauty and the best in that other human in front of us. And we have got to commit to looking more often for the common ground that unites us over our differences.


We have got to choose love, especially of our enemies. And accept that love and calling someone out on an act of behaviour as a way of bringing us BACK to love AND having compassion and unity, can co-exist.  It may be the hardest thing you or I will ever do to practice opening our hearts and offering a hug and trying to find reasons to foster compassion and understanding FOR the people who are locked to their own agendas, to the people who we perceive have hurt US the most, or hurt others the most…. and who we therefore have the most heated feelings towards and judgements of their actions. But if we can’t learn to do it now, the human race is getting ever closer to 50 shades of f@#$ed yet AGAIN . We’ve had Millenia after Millenia of history repeating itself: Of children born into hate, trauma  and judgement and political war, who lose someone they love in this war, growing up to hate and then start another war with someone seeking justice or revenge. Millenia of old Leaders who hate another Leader they can’t get to come over to  side, or gain power over or assets from, telling hundreds of thousands of young people who DON’T hate each other that they NEED to hate each other and go to war with each other to achieve justice. And then civilisation after civilisation eventually falling because of it. When does jt ever end????


Perhaps it ends when we remember to see it for what it really is… and choose to learn to love our enemies?  When we choose to Be FOR humanity.


Call me naive, and call me a broken record, but I truly believe that when we look someone in the eyes, no matter who that someone is and what they’ve done, standing in the power of our hearts and souls. offer them love, and allow for the absolute best within them to come forward (and ask for “divine/higher intelligence too, to support us with this), they WILL show up in the most beautiful and miraculous ways, meeting you BACK in that energy. Learning to hold and continually choose and come back to that energy oneself is a journey that happens once. But that we must choose time and time again. But I continue to believe it is the answer of all answers in these times.


Until next time
Nat xx
P.S. I can barely edit this book fast enough right now. If you’d like to stay in the loop to receive a copy, you can jump on my mailing list below....

How do we ascertain the difference between assertiveness and abusiveness in personal and professional contexts? And embody the former with kindness, over falling into playing in, or playing out the latter?


If there was a T Shirt that pretty well summed up the theme of my last week and a bit, on multiple fronts, this would be it. As a Manager amongst Managers, I seem to have earned myself a reputation of being surprisingly Zen under often stressful, chaotic, highly changeable event circumstances. But I have my moments.


Moments where, in the debriefing myself on the way home, in the giving myself both a pat on the back for where I stepped up and or the asking myself how I could’ve done better, I’ll realise that, for example,  I could have moved more like an ambo in certain moments (slow, deliberate, calm inspiring stroll, despite urgency of immediate circumstance). Or there are moments where adults behaving more like their children than their children in their tones and tantrems certainly test the limits of my patience. And despite my strict insistence with myself, in a spiritual, multidimensional universe, in which I KNOW the vibration of love (and a few prayers for assistance to respective spirit guides for assistance) will quickly remedy 999 999 out of 1 million escalating circumstances, there are moments where urgency and haste also have to take property in moments.


Moments where my tone inevitably becomes more present, firmer, more direct, louder and inevitably, when people insist on continuing to not listen, object to every instruction, snap back at me and or generally just do whatever the hell they want regardless of the impact, my tone and manner will escalate into a “don’t be mistaking my kindness, for weakness, b@#$% I will literally END YOU with consequence if you don’t comply within the next 15 seconds.” I never feel particularly proud of those moments, so much as I feel like I’ve failed at being an enlightened soul, but succeeded admirably in playing in the mud of being ‘human.’


And yet, sometimes, this is the only earthly language that some people (not all people) seem to consciously or unconsciously understand, respond to and respect. If you give an inch on taking too much responsibility for their actions, they’ll take a country mile on doing and saying literally anything, or lying about literally anything, to avoid accepting any form of personal or professional accountability for the impact of their actions. And they don’t want to hear any other version of the truth that calls them to a version of reality that is not 100% their way, to their liking, on their terms. And they’ll create a story that ultimately justifies your wrongness, and their entitlement to behave and treat you in this way.


For these folk, sometimes kindness, IS, it turns out, a show of strength. Of assertiveness. They learn little about life, about personal and professional relationship, about being human if you just give them their way, let them walk all over you and let them wreak destruction and disrespect all over others in the vicinity. You might be rid of them, or get rid of them in 5 minutes from now. BUT, then they become someone else’s pain in butt. Or your pain in the butt again a few days, weeks, months further down the line from now.


Sometimes kindness is saying it like it is, assertively.


For example, “I hear you, but (as the Leader in this scenario) I need you to do this/move to this location right now.” Sometimes kindness is kindly but firmly repeating your instruction in a slightly different way, for the 3rd time, still with equal calm presence and insistence. Sometimes kindness with strength is listening to and incorporating one missing piece of information, and then doubling down again on the original instruction. Sometimes it’s confidently telling someone that you believe they’re incorrect in the conclusion that they’ve drawn. That it’s not ok for them to do (X) when it has this consequence for you/this person/people.  That they will get a better outcome anyway if they do this (rather than what they just did). That they need to (please) stop talking and start listening. That they need to back off right now (and respect a boundary.) That they’re behaving in an abusive or disrespectful manner by doing (X). That if they refuse to listen, to compromise, to take responsibility for their share, then do I have to ask a Parent/Teacher/Security/the Police ( or the case of my last week, NCAT) to mediate instead. Or will they meet me half way and do as requested.


Assertiveness and Abusiveness, though, are not the same thing. In trying to differentiate the line between one and the other, to discern how I should show up, I think the ultimate differentiating factor, is intent.


In assertiveness, our motivation is ultimately love; it’s to bring things back into alignment with love, equality, accountability, honesty, patience, compassion, mutuality, respect, when some aspect of the experience has fallen out of it.


The motivation behind abuse on the other hand, is usually to do and cause harm on purpose; to punish, to withdraw privilege/s, resources or love, to wound the other party, under some form of internal justification that this is warranted. Or to one-up them, or show dominance in an “oh, so you underestimated my tiny stature and mistook my kindness for weakness did you, well how do you like that for a consequence, b#$%@!” kind of way. In other words, rather than the desired outcome, somehow that just became about my ego, and a flex of dominance, rather than educating the other about the problem, or working towards a mutually beneficial outcome by addressing the ultimate question; “what is really needed here instead?” Make sense?


Someone’s tone can become more insistent, more direct, louder, in a situation requiring urgent “don’t think, just do” type management and action, where the intent is to get them to safety, and you need to quickly get their attention. Or when they appear not to have heard you 4 times in a row and the need for them to follow instruction is extremely timely, while still holding loving, respectful intent.. But it doesn’t mean you’re being abusive.


I find that while meeting and matching aggression and disrespect, with aggressive tonality and dominant body language and energy proportionate to one’s position of authority, or directly proportional to the challenge being presented is definitely still sometimes the only language and collective behavioural construct that some people will seem to respond to, to me, dropping down into this level of consciousness, remains the last resort.



As someone who grew up having experienced being both individually and group assaulted at multiple times in the past when I majorly stood my ground, and thus spent a lot of time and money later on in adult life learning every self defence move and as many psychological and spiritual warfare tactics as I could get my hands on, to learn how to regain the upper hand if such a thing ever happened again, busting out the BJJ moves and drawing upon all the psychological, energetic, spiritual warfare tactics I could use to regain the upper hand, remains something I will only do when safety and lives are in danger, or physical assault is immediate and incoming.


When I make an assessment that the other party is purposely disrespecting whatever I say and choosing to deliberately do whatever suits them to do anyway, often while maintaining lack of eye contact (or face to face communication) and physically maintaining lack of rapport, ignoring you with a subtle smug smile on your face, the challenge is NOT to ascend in my aggressiveness of volume, or tone and yell at them for behaving (according to collective consensus) like an asshole to everyone else in the vicinity AND me. Intro closing off my heart in self defence and treating them equally like crap as punishment for their perceived act of disrespect.


The challenge is to reach for the higher part of myself, the unconditionally loving part, say a little prayer for interdimensional support, channel and embody that energy and then operate from that instead. To remember that this is a spiritual being, within a human in front of me and to appeal to that higher part of them to come forward and interact instead. With loving conviction and strength, trusting in the other to also BE a vessel for the best version of themselves and whatever that looks and feels like, allowed the opportunity.  Because experience has shown over the recent decades instead, that the majority of the time, given the time to be enacted, it actually works far more effectively. And gets far better outcomes, faster. But more than that, it leaves a lasting positive imprint. They may not understand exactly what just happened in the short term, but they won’t quickly forget the experience either.


Until next time...
​

Something that I’ve been talking about more than anything else in recent weeks, and this week, in what happens to be World Childless Week: intergenerational trauma…and what a factor this is in the lives and decision making processes of so many mid 30 to middle aged people now, who aren’t at this point, Biological Parents themselves, for any number of reasons.   


Given that domestic violence and sexual assault rates in this country are so high (according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics’ (ABS) 2021-22 Personal Safety Survey (PSS), an estimated 41%, or 8 million Australians having experienced physical and/or sexual violence since the age of 15, including 31% of women and 42% of men who have experienced physical violence, 22% of women and 6.1% of men having experienced sexual violence) I think we’re severely underestimating the link between the 2 circumstances of the prevalence of abuse in our society, and the number of people of all genders, who as elder Millennials and Gen Xers alone, let alone any age, have come to be without biological children by this age.  They don’t always talk about it, but when you inquire deeper, it’s often a significant factor in why they’ve not had kids of their own.  (While i personally believe that all of these things i'm about to mention can be worked through and overcome, and we'll come back to that later, what i'm about to share, is a measure of how many FEEL. That they need support to be guided through, and empowered beyond individually. And that we need to be mindful of how to support also collectively. )


It’s often named as a part of the reason that many are single. And in many cases, part of the reason they’re estranged from significant parts of their family of origin, is often as a result of having spoken up about things that were going on in the family unit that constituted various forms of abuse.  In many cases, when they do, what happens is not necessarily that the family works to resolve the situation of abuse. So much as the person who called it out, and or may have been on the receiving end of it, often gets scapegoated, gaslit, blamed, shamed and isolated from the system as the source of of the problem. If not that, they’re operating on the fringes of the system, diplomatically, but have essentially closed themselves off from engaging deeply and meaningfully with the system, or being further hurt by the system, engaging only where essential. But often times, many report feeling like, for the failure of the situation to be sufficiently acknowledged and dealt with, for their own wellbeing, AND for that of any future children that they might have, or partners children that they might want to safely bring into the family unit, like they have no choice but to distance themselves from the dysfunctional parts of the family unit. Others have just flat out drawn a line in the sand, that because of this history, they're just not having kids at all; they refuse to co-participate in the potential paying forward of yet more unowned suffering. Hence why I say there is absolutely an undeniable link between the continuing prevalence of familial forms of abuse in this country, and one’s status as a person with or without children. And it definitely is impacting how they go on, or don't, to engaging kids in their life, or creating and co-participating in 'tribe' in other ways.


The unfortunate flow on of unresolved trauma for the ones who had wanted to have kids, then means that, when it comes to them actually planning for having children (as biological parents, or in other ways) , in a world where it takes a community to raise a thriving child, they’re then facing the prospect of having to do so MINUS a reliable family of origin support structure. And if they do try and bring in some other form of support community, given the loss of the family of origin, trusting in the reliability of that new community group not to be just as transient and flawed as what came before, is a very real trust barrier to be overcome. And the fear that one will wind up being the anonymous single Mother posting in a Sydney social media community group, stating that she’s a Mother of a newborn, who can’t afford to not go back to work, but can’t afford child care or housing on Government benefits, for her on the Grandmother who wants to be a carer, seem more and more a frighteningly real possibility. Especially in this financial climate.


(As I myself once said to 2 respective older Men who offered to impregnate me in a gap between major relationships in my early 30’s and then continue on their merry way, leaving me to repeat an intergenerational pattern of single parenthood, and “the community to raise the baby:” as a kid who already grew up in a single Father family, and watched the constant transient comings and goings of the very “communities” they were speaking of, rearranging about as often as the average person changes their underwear, my response to becoming asked to trust in those systems? “Uh, thanks for the offer, but yeah naaaah.”


In addition to commitments to career taking longer and, in this financial climate, it taking many infinitely longer to achieve the white picket fence set of parameters that would ideally like to have nailed before resuming dating or starting a family (many doubt now, working 6 day weeks, and having almost hit the glass financial ceiling of ascension and pay in their chosen occupation, that they’ll ever even achieve it at all now). So many feel like they’re falling short of achieving the life goals they needed to before they feel ready and enough to continue dating and or trying to start, or merge with a family. So that is also a co-factor for many in why many are still single. Many want to have their s$#t squarely together, before putting themselves back in a position of being potentially judged and found inadequate by prospective parties, and rejected for not having our sh@# squarely together enough. 


In Sydney, where the culture is so incredibly material status, success and achievement driven and oriented, that’s a very real possibility. Many Men now too, as much as Women, expect their future partner to be earning a certain amount and at certain mile markers of achievement that match with their own as a part of their standard dating non negotiable checklist. And if child rearing is still their priority, then they’re likely looking for a Woman ideally with a well established family and friend support system.


The longer many of us DON’T also have kids, the more estranged over time many often begin to feel from friends and family who went on TO have kids. No matter how hard either party tries to maintain the connection, it’s just the reality of what happens at times when Parents become Parents; the kids have got to come first now, over your own personal struggles or trying to have kids struggles, and many Parents want to be around other people who have Parenting experience to help them navigate the enormous challenges that they’re going through and have connection and support from people who also “get what it's like.” Either you find a way to adapt to the new reality, become the cool Aunt or Uncle and find ways to relate over the new common ground, you have kids too, you get honest about what's really going on for you about not having kids and why, and allow for connection to happen in new ways around that, or where you've done everything you can and you still just don't seem to fit, and/or dynamics are still ongoingly "toxic" without resolution, you find yourself letting go and accepting that you need to now build your own primary support structure, elsewhere. Unfortunately though, too often, too many are seemingly still not winning at creating that ideal balance in continued family connection. Or I wouldn't have found myself running a support group this last few years that has needed to serve a purpose of helping many Women heal and adapt after experiencing that kind of disconnection from the primary family and friend unit/s?


But both that progressive loss of family of origin, progressive distancing of old friends and the seeming evaporation of the kinds of people who used to be interested in you in your years of 20-30 something dating, can start to make for a lot of anxiety related to forming friendships, romantic attachments and bonds with community or friend groups in future. Once one has had the illusion of the family unit that “family ties are forever and unbreakable” shattered first hand, and experienced first hand the very primal, core survival linked panic-level anxiety and grief that results from the loss of either a Parent or sibling, let alone the loss of both Parents, and or ones entire family of origin (let alone compounded by the potential experience of the loss of a past pregnancy or 3 from relationships past as well) the level of panic that one can start to feel at the prospect of both leaning into commitment, or having a commitment withdrawn from you, can be pretty freaking intense. Add to that, the fear that you’re going to be potentially rejected when one finds out about your history (or sees what a hot, hyperventilating, crying anxious mess you can be in moments of trying to manage your now anxious/avoidant attachment associated anxiety attacks) and deems you “too much, too unhealed, too codependent, too needy.”


While there may be some truth to the notion that it is A LOT to ask of any given human, to hold the weight, or to offer an equivalent level of support to you that would once upon a time, ideally have come from an entire family/community system, and i believe we DO need to find other ways to both Parent ourselves, become our own gurus or rescuers AND access compatible support in health ways, it still remains that this kind of anxiety, is a hell of a weight for any given one of us recovering from intergenerational abuse and trauma, to be trying to cope with, carry, and overcome on our/their own. But many won’t go anywhere near either, any number of community, spiritual or religious support systems that they see to be dramatically out of touch with modern day beliefs, values and life circumstances, corrupted in their leadership or power structures, or pushing a Pronatally biased developmental agenda that has no answer for what they’re supposed to do with their lives if for any reason, they're estranged from their family because of intergenerational trauma and or if they can’t be a biological parent for whatever reason that largely seems beyond their control. But the majority are also too functional to qualify for much ongoing support from within the mental health or NFP community support service system. And if your’e anything like me, you’ll be avoiding with your life getting labelled, pathologised and medicated up to the eyeballs within that system as a part of the solution anyway. So where do they access support, when the support available, is, i'm sorry, often seemingly missing the mark on meeting them where they're at?


As many in my support groups of recent years have said, role models and Trauma informed Therapists who actually have direct lived experience of how to navigate and thrive beyond this, still feel few and far between to them. They exist. But finding them can be a challenge.


A collective roadmap as to how to successfully heal and resolve family intergenerational abuse and trauma, that incorporates and accounts for the 1 in 6 of the global population for whom conceiving children biologically might never be a part of their reality, let alone the level of collective support and engagement required to achieve it, is clearly still lacking in our society, or we wouldn't continue to have a problem of this magnitude? But where such roadmaps DO exist, all parties need to be willing to not just acknowledge the problem, but be willing to co-participate in it’s resolution, healing and transformation. And the sad reality is that examples where all parties aren't willing or capable of doing the necessary work, could still number as high as 1/3rd of the Australian Population, given the percentage who still refuse to acknowledge that issues impacting gender equality exist, or the 1/5 who believe that abuse reports are either exaggerated or don't even exist. It’s often easier in the end for multiple parties to play the denial card, the threaten defamation if you talk about it card, or for one or both parties, to run and or remain silent. So there are A LOT of people out there, trying to heal from their trauma, on their own. Yet so many in the younger generations now adamantly don’t want to pass the unowned trauma on and continue the cycle. But for Women at least, the time window you have in which to get all your trauma sorted out BEFORE you have kids, is more biologically time limited.  So working on healing at the individual level, continues to feel like the most viable and achievable place to begin, and cultivate what ripples of change one can, while we develop collective models of healing and change.
 

Healing, Reestablishing Safety and Reconnecting at the Individual Level

Neuro-regulation & State Management
A huge part of the first step is learning how to hold yourself through your moments of trauma trigger. Part of that is simple neuroregulation; breath work practices, combined with simple methods of refocusing your attention and energy, combined with accessing the voice of our own super or higher consciousness, and using it to guide any number of CBT or NLP type exercises, in which we intervene in the chains of unhelpful thinking and or intercept the activity of the neural pathways from which both the trauma and trigger have been activated. Learning to parent and regulate ourselves, and our reactions, into chosen responses. Before later, when we're calm enough, learning and implementing techniques to clear that trauma and re-pattern those neural pathways, beliefs, stories, triggers for good. (yes i DO believe that's possible.) Saying it like this is easy. Actually doing it in the moment takes dedicated and repeated practice.


Grieving, then Refocusing and Creating Our Empowerment Story
I talked about grief just a couple of blogs back, but to do a quick recap. But the intense emotions, like grief and despair and anger, that we can at times feel on the journey of both healing trauma, AND processing any number of the reasons that one may not be able to biologically have kids, absolutely need to be acknowledged, and given healthier expression over repression. With the great compassion and gentleness we might comfort another with who was going through the same thing. But most importantly BY us ourselves, in our own time.
That process can't be rushed. When it emerges, it can feel chaotic and sporadic, and then, with more time living with it, more reliably predictable. And in time, it is possible to channel, guide and manage its expression, AND take a range of wellness focused, mindset and state shifting actions to positively alter our biochemistry, our emotional experience and inner reality and have us living life more on our terms again. 

As i've said prior though, grief, depression, frustration and the perception of victimhood, can be a self perpetuating state if we choose to stay in it, keep going back to bed and disengage in life continuously, or keep biting others heads off because of it. I've always seen it as a town that we don't want to necessarily move to permanently. If and when we need to, we can go there to reminisce and feel and heal when we need to.


But then we can also do the work to write a story (and a whole new internal operating system) of self empowerment, to help us move beyond it. Rewriting a story of disempowerment is not nearly as complex as we make it. It starts as simply as hearing ourselves when we tell ourselves something like "i feel powerless and pissed off at what has happened. At what this person said and did/how i wasn't respected/cared for here" and flipping it to "i have the power to choose my next thought and my next move and i reclaim that power now." We can also choose to, at any moment, also start looking for the "glimmer" (apparent new buzz word) love and light filled moments that still exist, for which we can be grateful. We can choose to focus on how we are stronger and wiser because of this. And we can choose to refocus on the future, on what actions are still within our power to take to create it and on what is still possible.


While grief is very real, dare i say the tough love thing, that there are still almost 2 billion children on the planet too, that still need care, guardianship and better quality of human centric Leadership and Guidance than we've often managed to give in the century prior. So we have the choice, to sit around in support groups, crying and complaining about what we've lost and why we're victims of life and society. OR we can still choose to heal, step up to the plate and rise to the challenge of BEING the Leaders and Carers that those kids still need?


In either case, with time and practice, the amount of time we then spend focused on new states and things, verses engaged in negative states, becomes less and less in the latter and more and more in the former.  So dealing with our stuff, over having our stuff deal to and through us, is definitely a thing, when it comes to rebuilding our capacity and emotional availability to connect in future, in healthier ways. And create (or heal) primary networks of support.


Vulnerability
The next step is then getting okay with being open about the existence of this part of ourselves with others and being willing to allow ourselves to be seen in the vulnerability of it; in the vulnerability of both moments of not having it together, and moments of self managing our way back to being back together. Let alone being willing and able to let someone come near us in the process of our less managed moments.


Building Resilience in the Face of Rejection
And then there’s the part that requires us to build resilience in the face of being rejected because of our trauma and triggers, by those for whom it really is too much, who are unwilling to do the work to grow with us, or who don’t truly believe we (or anyone) can ever heal or change, without taking it personally. Or rather, without internalising it as a sign that we’re not capable of ever having a healthy relationship again, or as a sign that we really ARE permanently damaged and too much. This bit can often be the hardest, if we really hoped that person would stick around. Or even worse, if and when we went to them for help. We still have to grieve that loss, we still have to process that feeling of having abandoned oneself to a hope that turned out not to be grounded in reality how we once thought it might. But much of the resilience I find, comes from drawing again upon faith in that the universe is both always conspiring in our favour and always moving us in the direction of not always just what we think we want, but also in the direction of what we actually really need in order to realise our highest potential and purpose.  As well as can be found in embracing the believe that all people truly are capable of growth and change.


Forgiving Ourselves for our Past Mistakes
This is the one that has usually landed some pretty heated emails and threats in my personal inbox for MY past sins, yet it continues to be a step we all need in order to be able to heal, re-open to anything or anyone and move forward. A huge part of getting past the fear of being judged and rejected by others for what we haven’t achieved (often projected out at others, rather than owned, for what THEY haven't achieved, or helped us achieve), is making the choice to stop judging OURSELVES for what we haven’t achieved. And taking responsibility for and forgiving ourselves for our own part in all the ways in which we couldn’t show up, or didn’t (so far) achieve our family, or any other life or service related dream. Rather than also looking for someone to blame, out there for why we haven't, or for any of our ongoing internal experience.


_____________________________________________________________________________________-_____

MY OWN STORY

In my own case, as someone who’d spent over 20 years working on self healing AND trauma informed practice to help and empower others, I both had to let myself off the hook for failing to heal my own trauma and for failing to single handedly resolve both sides of my whole family’s intergenerational trauma enough that i felt comfortable to bring a child into certain parts of that family system, in time for my uterus and body to still be capable of viably carrying a pregnancy more SAFELY, full term.


I had to not just acknowledge and incorporate into my own story the ways in which I have successfully been a fill in/surrogate parent, step parent, guardian or carer on multiple occasions into my methodology (as adopting either of the labels "childless" or "childfree" has often also not felt right to me, like a denial of that part of myself, and a metaphorical punch in the face lack of acknowledgement to everyone I’ve ever played a caring or guardianship role for well. To the past unsuccessful pregnancies i've carried.  Let alone the fact that I work now in the Performing Arts with kids and teenagers often 3-5 days per week…i don't fit in the parent box, and yet it seems more and more like the boxes of childless and childfree don't fit either?) But (and here's the big one) I also had to forgive myself for all the times I felt i failed at family and at parenting, step parenting and caring, and fell well short of my own personal and professional ideals.


For the times that I wasn't honest...and hid what abuses and group and individual assaults I’d been through in younger life (and what i was going through as a result) for fear that it was too much more on top of deaths and cancer and single parenthood for anyone to handle, that gave certain people legitimate reason to later question my "trustability." For the nights that I was running away from the weight of being a 16 year old trying to fill my Mothers shoes (and according to my Father at the time, constantly getting it wrong) and in hindsight, felt like i was doing a shitty job of both being the female head of a household. And felt i was doing a shitty job of "Mothering," at the basically weekly times by years 11-12, that i wasn't there for my little Bro, while i went off to escape and get drunk with friends (yet another thing i lied about.) Or the times i chose not to go to certain family activities (like camping out at moto gps, or what i've come to call the annual collective duck slaughter) because i prioritised my animal welfare beliefs or needs to rest first, or ended up drinking half a bottle of Southern Comfort and crying and vomiting my way to sleep, at the expense of opportunities for connection...and that, realistically, had consequences FOR those relationships, that i was perceived at demanding people come more MY way, than meeting them half way. For the time I lost my temper at my little brother for being a smart ass in regards to my instructions while i was trying to get all the house, school related and life things done...and ended up losing my sh@# and throwing things in his general direction (as he so aptly described publicly at his wedding!), instead of offering a healthier response and a healthier boundary.


For the countless times in my 20’s and early 30’s where I fell apart and together again, trying to heal and make sense of all the damage I never had the time or the tools to heal when I was a child-teenager, trying to navigate all that AND a dozen other group and individual physical and sexual assaults that also happened between then and the time I started getting a lot of unwanted attention while studying and first pursuing acting. And people like my Brother had to deal with my tears, or felt obligated to offer support in the wake of dealing with some of my past relationships that also turned abusive. For the times i felt too exhausted, too overwhelmed, too hypersensitive to come out of my room, or put down my phone. For the times i'd publicly disclosed things like this that i felt comfortable to share in the spirit of healing and teaching, but others held as private and me having compromised their trust, by not properly consulting with them for permission where i should've. For the times i worked on career and wasn't there. All of which, that decades on, became terminal points of tension and resentment aimed back in my direction, in the breakdown of all of these relationships.  For the times i surrendered, or ran, instead of fighting harder. Or bought into my own false beliefs and played them out. For being human, for not living up to my own ideals, for only being able to do the best that I knew how to do at the time, and it turns out that for others, that it wasn’t enough and I couldn’t be what they needed, when they needed either.  No matter what opinions anyone may have about who was right and who was wrong, and about me as a person, I had to acknowledge and forgive myself for my part in all such things, in order to be able to re-engage in relational life again. 


_________________ *end sharing of my story _____________________________________________________________



Where the heat will be and what it will be in relation to, will be unique for any given person dealing with trauma and the reasons for their not having kids/kids of their own. But for all the ways that we perpetrated, as well as were perpetrated against, we have to also make peace with and forgive ourseves for it all, so that it stops having so much heat and weight attached, every time anyone else in future, ever gets anywhere near to seeing, or you revealing any part of your inner reality.  Let alone so that you can feel worthy and deserving of love and any form of close family support structure again, because of ay of it.


While some others out there may never be able to forgive or accept all of you, the reality is that some other people out there will still be entirely capable of loving you anyway. They will still see the beauty and best in you, despite whatever you’re afraid that they will see. But you’ve got to remember how to love you (and how to be your own saviour, healer, teacher, guide, guru) so that you can let it all in from the outside to receive from others again too. Over pushing them away over what you fear will happen by default, if they meet the 'real' you. 



Trust in and Expect a Better Future
And finally, we’ve got to stop reacting to everyone, as though they are ghost of the past who will still reject us as we once rejected ourselves and some other somewhere rejected us prior. And start getting focused instead again, on what our vision now looks like of an ideal support community. Of ideal work relationships and friendships. Of what the ideal romantic or intimate partnership looks like. And what a family network and support structure looks like to us now.

• What does that look like?
• How do the people within it interact with each other? 
• What activities are they doing together?
• How do they care for, support and show up for each other?
• What are the values of this space? And what are the no go’s?
• How do they need to show up in this space?
• As themselves, yes. But where too might we ourselves also need to stretch and grow, in order to be what this space and the people in it also need from us?

WE HAVE TO START ACTING AS THOUGH WE EXPECT TO BE MET BY THAT REALITY AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT IS CONSTANTLY TRYING TO GET TO US, EVERYWHERE WE GO, THROUGH EVERYONE WE ARE ABOUT TO MEET.


To treat, meet and greet everyone going forward again as though they could be the next significant part of that, as though they might well be the next BFF, or life long business partner, and with the basic human right of unconditional love and positive regard, until such time as they give us any substantial reason to believe that they’re not aligned with that. So that every message, every meeting, every conversation, we show up to going forward, is had with the level of love, respect and unconditionality that the 'right' relationship deserves, regardless of however it actually turns out.  If there is to be an ending, letting it be with that equal level of love. Allowing oneself to expect the best, over constantly planning for and falling into the trap of preemptively treating innocent strangers, as though they are already guilty before proven innocent, of likely being the worst.

Another way to put that, as i write about in my upcoming book, would also be the practicing of navigating work, relationship and life, with the guidance of our higher, intuitive intelligence, using the eyes, the ears, the voices, the senses of our heart and soul. Not just based on this lifetimes worth of learnings, and the ancestral and collective programs we've inherited, that may or may not be serving anyone involved. With the end result being much greater ease and confidence in navigating life and relationships of all kinds, better quality relationships, greater relational longevity and better relational outcomes all around in personal and professional relationships of all kinds.


I may NOT be the Mentor right now who can speak to how you get your family of origin through all this (and navigate the legalities, threats of defamation and all the intense feelings on all sides, back to unconditional love, resolution and connection). I may NOT be the Mentor who can speak to how you create a successful romantic relationship again or be successfully a step parent or adaptive guardian again beyond all of this. I’m hardly right now the Mentor on how to get your finances back in order, beyond the falling apart of your old white picket fence success material reality. (But have faith in that i will get there again in time.)


But as someone who’s just trying to do her best to live back into a career and life I love and winning, and lead by example in doing my best at leading by example in living what I preach about relating, communication, leadership and connection, if I have anything to offer the others in the same boat as me this World Childless Week on how to heal the deeper stuff that is standing in the way of us feeling safe to engage in relationship to a deeper level in not just life and career, but love of all kinds again, beyond the affects of intergenerational trauma, that would be it so far.  For what it’s worth.


Thanks for reading. Until next time...
​

P.S. I'm looking for an experienced second Facilitator, ideally with a Trauma Informed Therapeutic background and lived experience of the above mentioned subject matter, to assist with the running of my virtual and live social and support group for mid 30's to middle aged people without kids. Might that be you, or someone you know? Feel free to get in touch to find out more...

We live in VERY stressful, climate & financially challenged post lockdown times. Times in which our sense of personal power, has at times been deeply challenged and tested. Working in front facing settings, unfortunately, it has never been so apparent to those on the front lines, with how frequently people now feel entitled to give unsolicited opinions on how front facing staff should be doing their job, and or with how often people swear at, verbally abuse, negatively gesture at and even swipe or spit at front facing staff, when the customer is asked to do something, or hears something that they didn’t want to, that many people en masse are seemingly struggling with 2 things:


1) a sense of how do I “flex my power muscles” with people in society again in a healthy way. If we detach from the subjective weight of such moments (& the distress that can come from them, and or allow for a touch of metaphorical humour for a moment) I fear that from above, we often look like a bunch of baby goats, playing in the business of life one moment, then suddenly turning to look someone in the eyes, and lining up their head to start “butting things”; mainly other goats. “Flexing” our verbal assertiveness muscles, trying to prove to ourselves that we can? It’s almost comical…until you’re, unfortunately the service person, friend, family member, partner, parent or random stranger on the road or street, that they try and test their verbal head butting skillz on. In Hollywood, we’ve sometimes seen this represented as the person who got burned, standing up to issue an often public burn back, to a soundtrack of the likes of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, followed by a triumphant power walk, combined with a high 5, off stage/screen left. Accompanied by a “YEA-AHH! You showed THEM! 🙌🏻”

Other times, I think it’s a measure of us not coping and defaulting more than ever, to a coping strategy of using others for the cathartic relief and release of our distress. While there is a tonne of knowledge out there at our free internet fingertips now on things like stress management, emotional self regulation and effective communication, negotiation and conflict resolution strategies, the fact that they’re not being implemented always right now to reach for a more constructive response, tends to lead me to think one of two main things is going on; either we’re not making the conscious connection as to when to actually use them, IRL. Or, we’re choosing not to? And defaulting at times, back to using the ‘easy’ route, of using the person in front of us as a cathartic target for the release of our emotional discontent. And just expecting them to be ok with it. As opposed to appealing to them positively, as an agent in a mutual negotiation and process of resolution, towards a particular goal, or outcome. Dare I say it that choosing to do this to a service professional (who’s often feeling bound by company policy and HR law) is like lining up to challenge someone who’s hands have been tied behind their back. Instead of lining up with a willing sparring partner, and “fighting fair.”

Sadly, I suspect that much of the time when we might think we’re being empowered and standing up for our rights, verbally losing our sh*t at someone, in fact, we actually come off to others looking like tantrummimg toddlers within grown adults. Minus the capacity to self regulate our own emotions, or speak to what we actually need? Which feels far scarier to be on the receiving end of from a grown adult, who may or may not be bigger, taller, heavier and or coming at you in a confined space, than an actual toddler?

For Women, dare I say it out loud, owning the proverbial wild woman archetype as one vehicle for tapping our repressed/disempowered rage, and pairing her up with the exploration of the inner warrior/ess, can be powerful for helping us tap, heal and self manage the causes of our own thoughts, past wounds, collective and individual patterns and emotions, in the private time that we dedicate to our own therapy. And as a last line of defence resort in the instance of being physically attacked on the street, can be unbelievably effective in shocking the hell out of and deterring some perp, who was counting on us being too meak and weak, to turn, look them in the eyes and come at them screaming with a deep, guttural angst, and self defence moves, that made impossible a stealthy attack.

But the trouble becomes, when losing our sh%# or going warrior, starts to be used as standard as a first like response, instead of a last resort line of defence, in relational settings. In the respect of creating a mutually beneficial outcome through communication and engaging in a way that fosters longevity, “unleashing the fury” actually often proves to be about as useful as a screen door in a submarine when it comes to successfully resolving an issue and getting to the bottom of what both parties really need, beyond all the angst, collective and intergenerational trauma, and trigger that inevitably eventuates, when one or both parties come at each other like this is war.


Why? Because It’s one thing to ask the other to listen as we describe that “I felt hurt/let down when this happens/happened,” or “I really appreciate it when you do this for me when I feel….or when this happens”, with a residual residue of that feeling present within is, in the space. But the second we cross the line into asking or just expecting without consent, the other to hold space, while we verbally or physically abuse them and use them as a cathartic punching bag for release of the energy of all the ways in which we’re triggered, I believe we’ve actually crossed the line into the territory of abuse. Which triggers a whole bunch of defensive responses. And often leads the conversation down a whole other path thsn where it needs to go.

One of our greatest growth challenges in these stressful times, is learning to recognise the difference between the two…and respond, rather than react accordingly, in situations involving other humans.

This is a part of taking self responsibly for regulating our own state and being 50% accountable for doing our part in creating a psychologically safe relational space for us and any given other to share.

​It’s not ‘nice girl/nice boy people pleasing’ or ‘bowing to the patriarchy’ to learn how to manage our emotions in a healthy way, so that we can relate in a healthy way. It’s a necessary communication and life skill. And if we’re ever going to come even remotely close to succeeding in creating our shared vision of an empowered society without abuse and violence, where we use our personal power, and voices for the greater good, it’s kind of a given that we all need to master this. Period. It’s not just a problem for ‘that one person OUT THERE who had the problem,’ to own THEIR sh#%. It’s all of our jobs to become aware of and take responsibility for how and when we’re all at times playing into these patterns. To learn how to weild our personal power muscles for the greater good . And to learn how to create our own sense of inner safety and manage our own shit long enough, that we can reach deeper, to the heart of what we both really need in any given relational situation. Make sense?

​Until next time...

In my last vlog, talking about the value of Art, Drama and Storytelling for our Mental Health, personal development and wellbeing. Looking at some of the consumer commentary on socials, and reviews, especially by young people, talking about the value they’d received out of seeing similarly aged characters struggling with and navigating issues just like the ones they are going through, and how much these showed helped them contextualise and cope, I couldn’t help but further double down on that there is ample evidence that the consumer market perspective backs my Creator perspective on that. But then and after also reading a lot of recent comments written on SAG AFTRA strike posts, I started reflecting more upon the ways in which we seem also, to be increasingly devaluing creatives and creativity…and the worthiness of Artists/Creatives, Creators and Educators being fairly compensated for their contributions to society. Because simultaneously that seems to be going on more and more too. So I found myself wondering too, how we might turn this around….




Streaming and Studio Execs have got to be in touch with the values of their target markets


I wrote an email to multiple of the streaming companies I pay for this week, prompted by one of them notifying its customers about an upcoming price rise for the service. As the emails about it mainly focused on improving customer experience, I emailed to ask for further clarification on whether this was in any way also prompted by the recent concerns being raised by writers and actors about fair compensation for residuals for their content appearing over time on streaming platforms. And if they’d yet written a formal statement on this that I could reference?


But then I also thought it was needed to make a point that I think is very relevant also for getting their markets on board with the price rise, in terms of research I’d done pre pandemic, about what drives the leadership and purchasing decisions of the younger generations, who collectively make up the large majority of their target.


In addition to what I mentioned above about the younger generations absolutely identifying value not just in entertainment, but in content that they find relatable in terms of their current circumstances, challenges, growth and mental health, then there’s where they invest their money, based on their ethics.  Through some research I did for Leadership articles and training material pre lockdown, I was reading a lot of research on how now more than ever, equality, ethics and sustainability are also primary driving factors in the purchasing decisions of the majority of the younger generations. And at least prior to the pandemic, research stated that the majority of the younger working generations were willing to pay a little extra, for the services of companies that have a clear position statement on and are taking a stand around ethical considerations they deem essential.

Thus I would suggest that a lot of ground could be gained with their prime target market by taking a clear position of fair compensation of all involved in the creation, production, distribution, employment and the consumer chain of supply of streaming content. Not just on quality of user experience, or variety of content alone as a concern that needs addressing. One that the majority (we’re talking upwards of 70% of Gen Z’s and around 65% of Millennials and over 55% of Gen X’s alone in some studies) not just Actors and Writers, may well, statistically be on board with, if it helped ensure that creatives who are their friends and people they admire, are getting paid fairly.


From a business standpoint, knowing what your market values is just smart business. BUT that being said, for that to work, I think we also need to clear up some confusion about what life is really like for the average Actress/Actor or Creative type, so that some people can better understand what getting paid fairly actually really looks like for those appearing in their content. Who might not actually be getting paid as much as some of you might think they are.




Lets clear up a huge misconception about how financial life really is for many Creatives


Watching the comment threads that have gone along with many of the SAG AFTRA strike related posts on IG, I can’t help but admit the one of my deep concerns in reading the comments, relates to a misconception that all Actors/Actresses and Creatives are rolling in fame and mega millions, or, at least salaries that FAR exceed their own and afford them a massively abundant lifestyle.  Hence, there’s a hostility, a resentment and perceived inequality being projected there often in the comments, that Actresses, Actors, Writers, Creatives don’t deserve a thing more than they get, given that they’re already so privileged and “have it way better off.” Unfortunately, mega million dollar influencer lifestyle is not how life really is though for a lot of Actors/Actresses and Creatives, “IRL”


What do I mean? According to Indeed and Payscale, the average person is appearing in Australian film and TV for an average hourly rate that is about the same hourly amount as a casual retail or hospitality worker or office receptionist or administrator might make per hour, depending on their age and level of experience. In other words, somewhere between $23-35 per hour. Especially if you’re doing background stuff. And that’s often part time, for the one day a week, or 2-4 days of consecutive weeks that they spend on set as a part of maybe 1-3 or 6 months spent here and there on filming tv and film projects. There are examples of US Actors and Actresses that have talked publicly about the fact that they got mega global exposure for working on a hit tv show you’d know well. But once it finished, they were back to working as a Janitor to pay the bills. Because mega exposure does NOT automatically equate to mega income, UNTIL (just as with start-up Entrepreneurial pursuits) you learn HOW to leverage that exposure too financially. And even though doing Ads might pay well, there are often contract conditions WITH those ads that you are locked to that one Company, and or maybe Industry, for anywhere from 3-10 years, for a one-off payment of 5-20K. Which, when you consider that WHOLE 3-10 year salary period you need to cover, might suddenly seem like not such a great idea after all, compared to those million dollar Celebrity brand deals they talked about in Jerry Macguire? Also, just so we’re clear, a whole bunch of community theatre, ISN’T necessarily a paid job for the people in it either.


Just as I found to be the case for Solo Entrepreneurs, if you get to be more established and start pulling between $46-$56 per hour, or (according to ERI and Salary Explorer) an average of 58K-173K per year, it’s pretty miraculous. So much so that I’m pretty sure, in some other dimension somewhere, Ancestors, Angels (or maybe multidimensional Aliens) all start singing when any one of us actually does.  But for over 90% of the profession, it is absolutely NOT the case for the majority of working Actors and Actresses that they’re rolling in some miraculously wealthy lifestyle that far exceeds YOUR salary. The reality often has been that most Creatives are not employed creatively 100% of the time, in any one of them. Which was why, when i first studied Contemporary Arts Drama at Uni at 18/19, one of the big selling points of this course was their multi-modality Career approach they were teaching to Creatives, to ensure that you built your paid professional skills across a range of different creative media, so that you’d have a greater chance of being consistently paid more for any one of your talents, at any given time. So long story short, many Actors and Creatives often need other jobs and businesses to supplement their creative income. And this is why many creatives, including myself might also be working on entrepreneurial and or other residual or “ever-green” sources of passive income as well.


This is not a complaint, it’s simply intended as education on how it really is. You won’t always hear about the reality of this though, for a couple of reasons. A) Contracts requiring confidentiality. Legally, we often can’t talk with you about projects, and our real deeper motives and making a difference intents behind pursuing them, until those projects go live. Because contracts. And b) because for a long time, there was a huge degree of shame held BY successful Actors who’d had exposure, about admitting the reality that they’re not working 100% of the time creatively, and admitting that they were also employed elsewhere, or have a side Training company, or other things that they do in between. I hope in this day and age, we see that as less a sign of failure and more the lens of the paradigm of multi faceted career paths being an actual thing. So please, if you know anyone who is hating on ALL Actors/Actresses and Creatives because they think they have it so much better than they do, with their fame and fortune, please educate them on how it really is.


More than that, the average Actor or Actress LOVES the opportunity to work on projects that speak to important issues and allow them to make a positive impact; that’s one of their love languages of giving. And if someone doesn’t think entertainment and comedy makes a positive impact, remind them of the likes of the impact of Monte Python over the years (I say after working one of John Cleese’s Sydney shows last night), or Aretha Franklin or Bob Marley or Queen. It’s an Art and a Science to be that good at your craft. That deserves to be respected and valued I reckon?




Business and Corporate entities slowly divorcing Creative Content from the Human Face of the Artists behind it over time


Have you noticed too that, financial crisis or no, there is a growing trend here that Corporate entities are progressively not just undercutting price wise the value of creative works for mass use. But also dissociating the consumer markets more and more, from the work AND any link with the Creative Artist who produced it, in the quest for instant availability of work, affordability and convenience? Especially for the realms of the Visual Arts and Music.


We live in a time now where, instead of commissioning or buying an original painting or photograph anymore, many people take the convenience short cut now when it comes to visual art, of buying some cheap artistic print for $3-30 off Canva, Etsy, Amazon or any number of other platforms, rather than paying, say, plus or minus of $1500 for the original (and no i'm clearly not talking about the Glass Onion'ers who can afford the original Mona Lisa here.) The same with getting free royally free images, or an unlimited number of photographic images, graphics or templates for $17.99 per month, as opposed to paying a Photographer friend $750 - $1500 to do the same set of shots? Or someone to design the graphic or template? Most of these give you no informational AT ALL though, on who the photographer was who drew, painted or photographed the work? Which suddenly made it REALLY easy for us to start mass DEVALUEing their work, didn’t it? And live with ourselves, paying almost nothing for it, if we coudn’t actually see any human face that’s negatively impacted by our “cost cutting”, in doing so?


Conversely, while royalty free music download platforms DO give you a reference to who the artist is who created it, that you’re paying for or downloading for free, the work of, and music streaming platforms and channels also list the artist/s clearly, now with automatically generated playlists and subscriptions, rather than directly having to choose and pay for a track or album, as on iTunes, or in the music stores of old, or the radio broadcasts of old, now you can have listened to 40 different artists in a couple of hours, without having a single clue who they are, or what their background is. The possibility of identification is there, BUT it’s getting easier to access music as art, WITHOUT having take any notice of it, or pay any recognition, to the Musical Artists behind it? And that I think is concerning, that music is losing a live, human face, too while slowly disappearing into the depths of the information in the World Wide Web?




Also now, en masse, Authors and Writers of all kinds, Thought Leaders, Academics; both the Tertiary Institutions, Journals, the Mindvalleys and the start up Vloggers alike, YouTubers and TikTokker’s and Sole Traders equally, are in the process of getting their content, by traditional legal definitions on the subject, stolen likely under some fair use loop hole clause, and all attachment to them as the Creator slowly REMOVED, as various A.I apps and platforms, start referencing the global database of information available on the World Wide Web, to provide YOU a “convenient, done-for-you” version of…well, almost anything you like?!

• Marketing email and sales copy, scripts and templates for your business.
• ChatGPT conversational responses you can send to someone you’re dating, (marketing to another human that you have skills and traits that you don’t actually have; but were lifted from the global world world knowledge base of humans who did the 20+ years of personal development work to actually develop these skills.)
• Random artistic selfies we share all over Facebook, trained and ripped from thousands of Visual Artists works across the world for your entertainment.
• Having an app write a paper for you, (that required a bunch of background research knowledge you NEED to better understand the history and conditions of your future industry,) but we now don’t have to, for having the app write the ‘perfect’ essay for us.
• Random film or tv script ideas compiled from the collective brains of multi millions of people’s fictional works over time, to come up with new ideas.
• Using the publicly available images of models, Actors/Actresses, Celebrities, Influencers and any person with a public picture, or video footage anywhere on the World Wide Web, to train new programs to create visual representations of A.I. itself, Characters, or impersonate real life people themselves, whether for entertainment or educational purposes.
• Even using real people, celebrities and influencers' images on socials, to now create custom made porn, starring other people's  bodies and whoever's faces you like  (yep, apparently that’s already a thing now.)

Minus the porn maybe, so many of these possibilities are being marketed as wonderful tools of convenience that will make your life so much easier and save you so much time, so that you can prioritise doing more of the things that really matter, personally and professionally. They’re being met with curiosity and fascination at what these programs can do. And to be clear, I am not saying for one second that I DON’T think that A.I. can make life better and easier in many ways and that it shouldn't be a part of the future. I reckon it should. But I’ve got to ask, who is stopping to ask a few fundamental, moral compass questions about it, like:

• Did the people who’s content, knowledge or images were used to compile these products, have the opportunity to “opt in” to their content being used for this purpose?
• Does the A.I. app provide a reference list of content contributors drawn from, that you can clearly reference, by law, as you fairly attribute their work?
• Is the A.I. programmed to make any consideration of discriminating between content of financially independent, well established authorities on a subject, from “the little guy” Academic-turned-start-up Entrepreneur, who’s content and knowledge the apps are lifting, before you use it for profit?
• Does the copy generated fit within the legal bounds of not using any more than 10% of any given person’s copyrighted work?
• Did anyone actually contact the author/creator of the original work, and ask them for legal permission and the legal rights to use their copyright, protected lifetime of works to create that chatGPT output, FOR PROFIT purposes?
• Did the app creators, or you, contact them and negotiate fair compensation for use of their content, for profit?
• Did any of the IT Creators or Professionals putting up examples of program generated voice and video impersonation of real humans, ask those living human beings, for the legal permission to USE their likeness or voice, to create those examples that they put up on YouTube?
• Does the AI app list for you an “About the Author” Section that gives you the background on the Academic? The Psychologist or Relationship Coach? The Specialist? The Marketer? The fiction writer? The non fiction writer? Subject matter expert? Or blogger? Or Model or Actor, who’s work you’re looking at, in similar fashion to Google or Wikipedia?
• AND did anyone, give any thought AT ALL, to a transition plan, as to how, as a set of countries and economies, within one global economy, we’re going to support all the people who’s occupations and means of making a living, are going to be wiped out, by the implementation of this kind of tech?

Sometimes, progressively more so in an increasingly Entrepreneurial world, where there is far less centralised regulation, or agreed-upon minimum award conditions of compensation (at least in the highly non regulated Coaching Industry as one such past example,) the Leaders don’t seem to come even remotely close in moments to adequately foreseeing, or taking the time to think through the impact that their well-meaning pursuits and decisions, will also have for the entire industry down the line. 

For example, several years back, a whole bunch of 7 figure business earners got together and decided it would be a really great move on their part to both a) start giving away all the best I.P. for free (and then just charge for experiences in the room) and b) to start offering initial consults, totally for free, while moving to a model of selling whole programs, not sessions, or blocks of sessions. That’s all very well, at their level of business revenue, they could afford to absorb the cost of that. But that one decision of theirs, cost the average Counsellor, Coach or Alternative or Allied Health Practitioners earning on average only 44-55K per year, in comparison, a drop in annual revenue of 1-10K in initial consult fees, while opening up a loop hole that left all Coaches, whether start-up, or 6 year Tertiary qualified and a decade well established, vulnerable to getting pumped by some clients in that one free session, for everything they had, without the client having any intention of ever buying them. As opposed to holding to the industry standard condition that GP's, Specialists, Accountants or Lawyers, or people on salaries do as default for example, that every billable hour of their time and expertise delivered, deserves to be compensated at a specific rate or fee. That one change that "the little guy" couldn't afford, put a heap of start up Coaches and Practitioners, back in part time jobs to cover the added expense of the free session time they were now too expected to offer. And that's just one example.

My point: every decision some multiple 7-8 figure business earner, Leader of an Industry makes in terms of lowering prices, or cutting costs somewhere, can have massive, massive ripple effects for the people at the bottom end of the market. And we should never forget that.


Some might well go, “well that’s Capitalism, and you live on a Capitalist planet, so just deal with it already.” I might reply, "yeah we do, but why does that Capitalism have to be so zero-sum? And since when does Human Leadership come with zero responsibility for the impacts of what we create?"


Here is the thing. I am the first to admit that I have had my share of failures in sustainably running a business, for fairly consistently ending up running a for-profit business like a charity; underpaying myself a salary, while prioritising still showing up for my clients in need, who used those free sessions when they were struggling to pay and making sure all my service providers still got paid fairly for as long as i could sustain. At the other end of the scale, you have the Execs of Disney or Tech Companies, complaining about business costs and salary increases they can't meet, while refusing to give themselves pay cuts and continuing to fly around in private jets. While others play in one of the biggest, mostly masculine lead, corporate tech business pissing contests of all time, trying to outcompete each other on AI, with seemingly not nearly enough f@#$s given to the consequences pending to humanity, and how many of us they'll financially undercut in the process. Somewhere between them, and those like me, with our "nightmare" excessive concern with ethics and operating with a moral compass, is an ethical, sustainable model of business.


Most of my successes i HAVE had in business, and the moments I won awards for, came in working FOR others. But I have never once bought into the dog-eat-dog, zero-sum notion of business on this planet as being necessary, EVER, in order to achieve them. And I still don’t. The successes I’ve had in this lifetime, the awards I’ve won, the impacts i've made, the times I’ve spent on State, National and International Sales Leader boards, every single one of them was had, giving consideration to how I could best be of service with maximum care and authenticity, as a part of a collaborative team effort, where we challenged each other to be our best, and where (as best we could) nobody got left behind when they fell down. While operating at all times with the intent of operating in alignment with the highest good of all involved along the way, and NEVER forgetting to consider what the responsibility truly means to try and be an industry leader in the process. When I combined it with other people’s complimentary business abilities and smarts, so long as we were on the same page about our vision, values and service goals, what do you know, it works!


I get it though. I know it’s also easy to fall into fear and starting to close in, in self protecting and hoarding one’s assets and trying to cut unnecessary expenses when times get tight. And the first to go are often those things and people that we DON’T think serve us. I would just ask the whole world to really, deeply consider right now, what value that Creatives, Content Creators, Artists, Actresses/Actors, Musicians, Writers and Thought Leaders, truly bring to the world, before considering cutting them any further out of your expense list. If anything, this is the time to invest IN them more and show your support.


After all, without creatives, art, music, stories, entertainment, colour and content, try imagining how the world would be for a moment? And how bland, soundless, colourless, heavily medicated and depressing living in that world might be? Better yet, why not ask A.I. to generate some images, or write a story, SHOWING and TELING you what a reality without human or A.I generated creative expression, art, music, story, education or entertainment, would look like?

***END RANT***

Until next time….

In this podcast length Vlog, I share some thoughts i had this week on why, regardless of how AI involves, it’s so important that we continue to nurture and value the irreplaceable value of the creative, performing arts and writing industries and the creators within them.