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Thoughts from the
Nativerse |
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 How easy is it, in this modern world to find oneself getting caught up in the pull of the need for external validation? How often are we living and working amidst circumstances that impose external measures of our apparent worth and value upon us, and then taking that on, instead of self determining our definition of worth, fulfilment and success for ourselves? A little confused as to what I mean? Ok I’ll explain. Having spent much of the prior decade existing within and proactively working towards achieving (and helping others work towards achieving) the whole white picket fence traditional business and family success picture, a lot of the parameters used to measure ones success on this journey, are quantitative details. Things like number of numbers of event registrants and audience members, numbers of followers, numbers of likes, reactions, engagements, click through, leads gained, product or program sales, conversions off all of the prior, number of speaking engagements booked and delivered, number of books written, numbers of partnerships achieved, number of testimonials gathered. Numbers of posts we’ve shared to socials this week; total, on content, as social proof of us attending events, running events, meeting clients, networking, being in FULL rooms. Number of donations or charitable engagements delivered, or attended. Dare I say it, the number of likes we got on selfies that were shared to show evidence of our success in the achievement of developmental milestones and goals held as evidence of social acceptability and hence relatability. Eg the happy spouse and kids photos, the hanging with the sisters or the sisterhood photos, the proof of “lifestyle” photos, quantified in validation through numbers of likes, reactions and engagements, often no longer just with the intent of sharing one's life with people they care about, but now with strategic purpose etc etc. All such metrics can and often are used at some point as measures of our entrepreneurial progress, status and worthiness of other organisations investing IN us, our programs, services, books, products etc. But it’s not just entrepreneurial. In no shortage of high performing sales teams within retail that I’ve been a part of, not to mention non for profit community services, membership organisations or educational institutions (just a couple of examples) using KPI’s as performance measures, it is not unusual too, to have someone else’s targets and measures of progress and success (and our value to them) imposed upon us. And then there’s the metrics measured and kept of your value and success in the realms of film, television, modelling; again from likes and engagement on socials, to number of credits, to audience ratings and feedback from focus groups; having largely out of it focusing on entrepreneurship (and healing) and integrating back into it, you’re quickly faced with the reality of no recent photos, no recent reels, no recent credits of late, hence no recent metrics = no measurable value or social proof of your value. Re-include many of the before mentioned in this realm too. We are a society that often measures our achievement, our success on metrics and quantifiable evidence. The difficulty has become though, when we start equating, or mistaking such quantifiables for our value; in so many circumstances now, we’re often equating such quantitative measures with our worth and worthiness to others in the world. And or we start incorporating other peoples opinions and perceptions of our success based on such things, on as indicative of our worthiness and value. Pardon my language, but that’s when sh%t starts to get a bit f$cked up. I’ve noticed A LOT this last 2 years in particular, how quickly, living in this paradigm, I can feel on top of the world one minute…and then feel like a completely worthless piece of shit, wondering what my value is to offer the world the next, if my numbers in such areas are insufficient in the eyes of others, as well as mine…and most of the world is now judging your value based on them. Let alone, as discussed in blogs prior, how much is DOES impact you in personal life, in work and business life, in dating life, as people judge you based on what developmental lifestyles you have and haven’t achieved. In my case, I ticked off many of the white picket fence success boxes early; man, house, cars, trying for kids. I had it, then (as runs part and parcel with taking responsibility for intergenerational trauma and this life's share of having played out my own) then I didn’t again. In your early 30’s that didn’t seem to matter; you still had time. In your 40’s, oh it matters to people baby! "Still single? What’s wrong with you? Don’t have kids of your own? What’s wrong with you? Not still trying for kids? What’s wrong with you? Not earning 7 figures, what’s wrong with you? Don’t own a house? What’s wrong with you?" Other people’s questions, personal and professional rejections, reading comments on socials, contemplating and projecting what others you care about, who’s love and respect means a lot to you, MIGHT also be thinking of you; that can quickly lead to a place of backwards deceleration in mindset: “Well I can’t put out this content then. Well there’s no point doing this, because it’s not wanted. Well I can’t ask for that, because they won’t think I’m enough. No point offering that, no one in that market will buy it compared to ********** because I haven’t ticked these boxes, these people don’t take me seriously, they only think I’m a "wannabe", these one think I’m damaged goods, too much, too much of a risk…..blah blah blah BLAH, WHAH WHAH...cue my tiny violin! While temporarily everything i declared about MY purpose and worth prior, i put down, and self abandoned...where again? And then suddenly you’re procrastinating for weeks on content recorded and never shared, thinking its not worth launching this event, not worth sharing your voice, this webinar, writing to this list…if we/it has no value, and others SEE no value in it, is there a point? Sometimes when I get to that place, i’ll then go seeking MORE external validation. But qualitative forms instead. I’ll ask “life” for reminders of qualitative measures of my value…first hand testimonials delivered by whoever….and I’ll get them…instantly. A dozen people over the next few days, showing up out of nowhere, reminding me why exactly everything that I already am in this moment right now, doing exactly what I already do and have recently achieved, is incredibly inspiring for them, having recently been through similar challenges and or having similar aspirations, but being a little further behind. Qualitative social proof of one’s value and contributions to the world. But the problem, when Coaches tell you to go re-gather and or contemplate qualitative external feedback, is that it’s as remedy to ultimately a lack of SELF validation and determination. And thus, only a temporary, fleeting 'fix.' The seeking of external validation of one’s value, lovability, enoughness, is an a-typical trap for a kid with childhood trauma to fall into. High achievement, KPI’s and metrics, and qualitative feedback, while valuable, can be a trap for recoverees like that. Their striving for high achievement, might look like functionality from the outside. But when it comes from a place of trying to prove ones lovability and value and create psychological safety through getting validation that others approve of us and therefore we’re safe to invest and simply exist in social contexts, (instead of intrinsically knowing what our value is and showing up from that place) the endless pursuit of achievement can feel a little bit more more like running endlessly on a hamster wheel, that just happens to be located in the 7th layer of hell. An exhausting, anxiety riddled hamster wheel, where one is constantly trying to maintain ones footing within it, but can’t stop running. One where we’re not really living in the moment, likely missing a lot of the magic of the present moment, and or failing to be grateful for all that we already ARE in the present moment. Plus inadvertently pushing others away, or just not being able to receive actual love and approval, because our striving is putting a literal gap in energy, time and space, between us and them. Comparing ourselves to a past version of us, can be equally as unproductive in moments, as comparing ourselves to a future version of us we haven’t become yet, as it is comparing ourselves to others who are further ahead, and finding ourselves measuring up short. In a world so full of forms of external validation, it’s vitally important to reclaim and cultivate daily our own sense of our intrinsic value. But when we’ve done that, to also take a leaf out of the Dalai Lama’s lesson plan and get the focus off of “me me me me, my my my” self centred focus, and back onto altruism, the other and service. “Altruism is the antidote of a self-centred attitude”- The Dalai Lama How do we do that? Recently, I found myself talking myself through a 3 step process for myself, to move myself beyond what had extended into a couple of weeks of self centric overanalysis paralysis and trying to keep different projects on task. Given that I think there’s value for others in it, I thought I’d write out and share a little summary of the process. But I think there’s value in tweaking a version of this that’s a recipe that’s just right for you personally. Particularly given that the whole point of this article is self determination. The point is to tweak your own...and then contemplate a bunch of it, facing ourselves in the mirror, as well as in our notebooks. The process looks like:
Define your intrinsic value
Get re-service focused
Get back to being of service in the real world
Whatever answers I arrive at, I then reaffirm that what and who I’m seeking, is also seeking me. So there’s no need to get hung up on trying to prove anything. Which only creates that literal separation in time, space and energy between you, them and opportunity. You just then get busy being and doing what you can, day by day, on living and create all of that, on the journey up the bigger mountain. By the time you've answered that list, the benefits is that one’s locus of control has shifted back to the inside. Regardless of what anyone else has to say about your value, against their goals and yardstick measures of success, you now care far less, as you look yourself in the mirror and both feel the conviction of purpose and feel the conviction of backing yourself on the value of what you already provide and ARE, right here, right now. And added bonus, once you’re back in the realm of self-determination, psychological safety is no longer something that you feel can be taken away, just because you do or don’t measure up to someone else’s yardstick. Just like all of our visions, you create it, first and foremost, in your head, before walking it in everyday life. Finally, nobody is laughing with you, unless you’re first finding reasons to laugh out loud and share them WITH them. Nobody is able to enjoy the sound of your voice, unless you’re first reconnecting with how much you love to sing and then SINGING around them. Nobody can benefit from your stories, unless you’re first taking the time to write them down and then sharing them WITH people. And lastly, it's hard for people to receive the perfectly aligned wisdom and support they need from us, until we first ask “how can I help?” Or “what do you need?” You with me? Not all external feedback, in the end is helpful, event relevant, or valuable. But the self determined narrative we're telling ourselves on the inside, while we're living out our purpose, that counts for a whole lot. When it all just gets two serious, 2 minutes of the Baby Shark Song also has a way of lifting and shifting one pretty quickly through A LOT of things! Nat xxP.S. If you haven't already, you can download a FREE chapter of my book below...
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WriterIn a world in which we've got too busy for meaningful human connection, Nat talks about the ways we can bring it back. Archives
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