Hey there. Firstly, in case you missed missed me publicly serenading you on Facebook, here's me sending you all my well-wishes for a peaceful, happy, relaxing holiday season and all my well-wishes that 2018 will be all that you dream of and so, so much more.
Just to re-cap a little on recent weeks for you, so you have a handy little NY's resource pack now all in one spot,
1. Align with Your Vision for 2018
2. Recap 2017 and further build on your 2018 vision
3. Completing the Healing for the year that was
Now something NEW for NYE :-) It's now the last few days of the year post Christmas. It's not unusual to be feeling a bit out of sorts. As, in the last few days of the year, while we're recovering from Christmas and the whole PD and BD world is telling the world to get super focused on 2018, to envision it, to call it in, let's not forget there's also organically another process to do too. And that one doesn't always feel quite so much like sunshine, rainbows, unicorns and seasonal over-indulgence...at first at least.
Sounds obvious doesn't it, but for the birth of a new year, there has to be the death of the year that was and the completion of what is not to be carried forward, as well as the celebration and honouring of what IS to be re-affirmed and carried forward, however many years or decades its root structure and the plant structure above the ground has been taking shape with yours and others care.
In synchronous fashion, whatever shifts in one of us now has a way of rippling out into the world at large as those around us feel the shift and have to adjust as each one of us adjusts too. Is it any wonder then that so many disagreements come to light at this time of year, or given a bit of downtime and time to process and reflect, there's a few emails that suddenly want to get written. Maybe nice ones. Maybe some heated ones too?
Any time i ever talk to a friend or client wanting to send a braindump of their thoughts and feelings to someone they feel upset with or over at this time, I tend to suggest (and am reminded to remind myself too) of these 6 questions before i go sending anything.
The 6 questions I often like to ask myself before I take it external:
It's worth remembering in considering that notion, we might think it's the absence of the person that is the problem (and feel tempted to speak something negative about their absence), but actually, deep down underneath it all, more often than not, there's a deeper REAL problem. And the real problem is that what we perceive we were getting from them that has now been seemingly taken away, leaving what feels like an empty gaping hole of pain in its place...of the absence of their presence and love. And whatever need it was fulfilling for us, filling the hole of this separation wound and perhaps many other unhealed separation wounds...the parental one, the universal one, the one where our own love of self could be. In co-dependent relating dynamics, maybe a pattern has been affirmed as something someone no longer wants to play out e.g. that they were taking responsibility for fixing or filling a void FOR us, or maybe we were for them, rather than giving them room to take responsibility for it for themselves.
So, what our pain/discomfort ultimately shows us is not just what in THEM we've lost or feel is absent, but what previously empty void we were filing with their presence, that now we have to actually take responsibility for feeling and filling ourselves. It can be tempting to blame them for the pain (especially if they take it on, we get out of taking any responsibility for having to do any work on ourselves). But there's only so many times you can try and fill the hole with something or someone external before you realise nothing external ever satisfies and fills the void. Until we decide to fill it with our own love and perhaps too, reconnect with the truth of a universal existence, a true divine loving presence (whatever your words for that) that is much greater than any one of us. And all waiting for us, to rush into us, on the other side of the pain. I know, I know, more work and it's not like most people consciously ENJOY shadow work, (consciously at least) grief or loss (even if they might have become used to it being the default at times and even have developed a slight predisposition to unconsciously recreating it.) More than that, it often requires facing our fears too of change and embracing what we REALLY want instead of this familiar, well worn out blanket of familiarity. And dare i say it, facing our fear of aligning with and actually SUCCEEDING in receiving REAL love.) BUT, if we take the time to feel all the feels of the process, to heal and love ourselves first and then reflect on what our true motivation is in wanting to lash out and what is really needed to heal, it may just change wether or not it's in anyone's highest good right now to hit "send". Which brings me to question 2:
2. Who's benefit am I really saying this for?
3. Is it in our highest good (necessary and or mutually wanted right now)?
4.Will this create more love and freedom for either of us to be who we're really here to be, separately, or together?
5. Does it align with their growth and relating goals, as well as mine and will it create the growth we need?
6. If yes, how do I say this with honesty, honour, love and gratitude?
I often do or tell friends or clients to write a draft or letter or do some art to to get it out first, or as another possibility, to have a heated fake conversation in your house, car, loo, bedroom, out in nature, before you ever have a real chat with them. So that, when you do, you're more able to speak to the core and straight to the point of what you REALLY need to communicate in the positive about what you need, want, desire from connection in 2018 (and what do they?) the true meaning of which might yet be hidden within the angst.
Sometimes love is also knowing when to hold fire on your truth cannon, until it's firing a little closer to flowers than flames and sending out clear, well formed smoke signals, rather than random, thick clouds upon clouds of words that drown both of you in confusion as to what the actual point is. Words are powerful. Plus flames are not only infinitely harder to receive for the person trying to listen (who may or may not be getting burned by the flames of your own shadow in the process), they're a little harder to undo. If we're truly serious about growing, nurturing and creating safety in our relationships of all kinds, perhaps we as a culture have to grow beyond this idea that bonds of permanency give us free reign to mind-dump our unedited stream of consciousness all over others without regard for the consequences, while expecting them to just be ok with it or hold space for it. So instead of just communicating what's pissing us off when we feel like our boundaries or values have been transgressed...what do you really want? What do you need? What do they? How can we create more conversations around that?
When the answer is "I don't know" it can mean we need some time to feel the feels first to get to the gold at the centre of the cloud of our emotional process. Here's a cathartic NY playlist i recently made to help with exactly that.
Feel free to listen to whatever bits of it help you process. Feel everything you have to on the way. Ask your consciousness to show you anything you need to see and to give you any insights you need on the way about what the ultimate truth is of what's really going on. As you do, call forward the fullest expression of your soul and the true divine healing intelligence to help you re-align with your highest individual and relational expression going forward.
Ask for assistance in healing and taking responsibility for anything that needs to be healed for you be able to do this and communicate with people in ways that will lovingly lead you both to what you want and need.
Ask your soul/the divine presence to show you if need be. Take the healing and your soul's energy and turn it inwards and give it to yourself. Intend it to heal and support you in all directions of time and space where it's needed in your relationship with self and your relationship with others. And you can intend for the healing to flow on to anyone else who needs it, who may have been impacted by your behaviour in the past, if they choose to accept it. Intend it to flow to opening up the pathways of connection to all those people you will connect and work with going forward. Ask for the support to BE and to realise the highest expressions of each of you, should they choose to accept it.
It will all help you clarify what you don't want to do or experience again going forward and more importantly help you refocus and give you clarity about what you DO want to be, do, have, how you want to love and BE loved going forward. Once you know, claim it, own it. Affirm it.
Also, more than that, to take it a step further, here's a massive question to shift your state instantly in regards to both the people who've left and the people still in your life:
Why was it that you were so excited and grateful to come together with this person in the first place?
Let it help you find the gold and the gifts in all this and be free to move forward with as much love, ease and grace as is possible.
At the end of your process, you may also wish to write anything you want to retain while its fresh. And add to your 2018 intentions where you need to. What conversations would you have now instead of the ones you'd have BEFORE this process? Maybe sit with it for a little bit longer if you need to. But i promise you, IF you start practicing all this with fierce commitment, self discipline and consistency, you'll cut the drama in your life by at least 60 percent this next year.
4. Making Peace with the year that was
Wether there are so many people you are excited to be going forward with in 2018, or some who may have or may now be leaving, before NY:
What's a little process, maybe even a ritual gesture you can do to symbolise making peace and laying to rest, with love anything you don't need to carry into the new year?
One i've often done with groups of friends or support circles is to take everything you wrote down to get out and everything you wrote to heal and let go of and (if it's safe to do so RE fire restrictions where you are) burn it in a fire, as a symbol of your willingness to grow through this and let it go.
Again, as you do, you might wish to call forward the fullest expression of your soul and the true divine healing intelligence to help you align with your highest individual and relational expression going forward, to forgive, heal and accept what is.
Ask for assistance in healing and taking responsibility for anything that still needs to be healed for you be able to do this.
Ask your soul/the divine presence to show you if need be. To show you the highest expression of self love and how to receive it freely. Then take that energy and turn it inwards and give it to yourself. Intend it to heal and support you in all directions of time and space where it's needed. And you can intend for the healing to flow on to anyone else who needs it, who may have been impacted by your behaviour in the past, if they choose to accept it. To flow to opening up the pathways of connection to all those people you will connect and work with going forward, ask for the support to be and realise the highest expressions of each of you, should they choose to accept it. Doing so will certainly help to massively improve your availability for, receptivity to, ability to give to the relationships you will now have going forward. Doing this now and creating 2018 from that place, choosing NOT to carry the baggage forward into 2018, will ultimately help create greater freedom, love, ease and grace in all your relationships going forward.
Do you have a similar process? Or does this perhaps inspire you to create or add to your own one now?
5. Welcoming in the New Year
And finally, back to the fun one!
What can and will you now do over NYE and NYD to anchor in your vision and the energy of your path of greatest success in 2018?
Art piece? Vision board? Mandala?
Collect some symbols (anchors) to put in your office, alter, on the fridge, bathroom mirror to remind?
Write it out?
Update your screensavers? Passwords?
Share your vision/have it witnessed by partners, family, friends?
Add something to your 2018 daily routine as a reminder every day?
Set up some accountability with others going into the new year?
What else can you think of?
Whatever our role together has been so far, wether its as a one time reader of this blog or a long time presence in my life, please accept my deepest love, gratitude and thanks for the whole of the journey we've shared together so far (gifts and challenges included, for those of you for whom it's relevant.) And feel me now as I wish you countless blessings for the year ahead to come. May it be all that you dream of and so much more. May it be your best year yet and one in which you discover so many wonderful new abilities and reach heights you never realised you could. May you be loved and supported in all the ways you wish to be supported and loved. And where we will spend part of the next year together or working together, bring it on with bells on i say ;-)
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to you.
Looking forward to chatting to many of you on the other side.
Until next year, have fun, take care.
Nat talks about Self Expression, Heart Centred Communication and Lifestyle for Leaders.