If we want to create greater trust and psychological safety, in personal and professional dynamics, with a broader range of people, we will find it in the middle ground between the extremes of negativity bias and positivity bias. There are some opposite extremes of conditions, thought and healing/empowerment process going on within the personal and professional development spaces that are both absolutely needed. Yet, might also be negatively impacting our capacity to create emotional/psychological safety and trust with others, while we attempt to find the balanced middle ground between extremes. How are these extremes negatively impacting psychological safety in relationships? While we’re trying to heal and overcome any specific condition or behaviour that we’ve come to judge as undesirable, for a while, we can tend to swing into being overly focussed on it’s opposite extreme. Before each subsequent pendulum swing coming back through lowers in magnitude and starts to spend more time, in the balanced, homeostatic, aspirational middle ground between the two behavioural polarities we’re aiming for and against. In this case between negativity bias and at the other extreme positivity bias. The psychological unsafety can arise at either extreme. At one extreme, in industries or occupations that require high performance and a high level of accuracy and demand absolute perfectionism, being able to spot that one tiny little thing that is wrong, is sometimes a needed skill. At this extreme, we also have part of Therapy and Spiritual Culture within the Personal Development world urging us to go ever deeper inwards in owning both our light side and our dark side, if we ever want to reach self awareness, wholeness, empowerment and fulfilment. Self awareness and accountability are absolutely key components of emotional and psychological safety, so this is a necessary pursuit. But self exploration can, at times, also be a rabbit hole, once we begin the process. One that we can potentially get lost down, trying to chase down all of our inner demons, in the quest for growth, healing and wholeness (at modern day, instant result seeking speeds.) If we're not careful, the pursuit of healing problems can actually lead us away from our vision of where we want to go or what we want to experience instead in personal or professional life, by leading us into a spiral of seeing more and more problems that need addressing. One of the things we may encounter down there, is the phenomenon of negativity bias. Well documented by Psychologists in recent years, is the phenomenon of negativity bias. Apparently, our human brains are predominantly wired to protect us by constantly looking to find and eliminate any given threat to our safety. We call this phenomenon negativity bias. Negativity bias can also be exacerbated in any one who suffers from anxiety, chronic illness, phobias, has experienced major life events or family crises, especially from a young age, who has experienced cultural bias or prejudice, grown up in or fled from a war, or who has experienced abuse, or Narcissistic abuse, childhood or adult trauma, or PTSD or CPTSD, as a few examples. Who has learned that aspects of life and human relationship are definitely NOT safe for them at times, and therefore have, whether they consciously intended to or not, have become more preoccupied with identifying and protecting themselves in advance from similar sources of perceived harm in future. It's a coping mechanism. Whatever the reason, paradoxically, the unfortunate risk to relational safety associated with negativity bias is that, If we become too focused on what is wrong all the time, over the 70-90% about any given circumstance or person that is still completely functional, compatible, likeable, loveable, relatable, and capable, given the right support, unfortunately we risk starting to make the dynamic unsafe for all parties to be in. Because how does it feel to be in the presence of someone who only ever sees the worst in us? But rarely the best? Hw can we be, or create a better experience, if we're not allowing room for the better experience to show up, and all parties to be able to be a walking, talking embodiment of the very things we want to create and experience? Negativity bias, risks starving a dynamic of the oxygen of emotional safety, trust and the possibility of growth and longevity, before it’s really begun. Because we’re not giving the healthy middle ground of relatability a chance to grow and breathe. At the other, we have segments of high performance, new age and personal development culture, that is concerned with our success and personal fulfilment, as well as in the quest to heal and empower ourselves beyond intergenerational and cultural abuses, oppressive conditions and Narcissism, as much as in our quest for personal success, we've coined the term also of ‘toxic negativity.’ urging us towards ‘positive vibes only’. Especially in relation to negativity behaviours being deliberately used as a means of abuse. Smoosh the fear of negativity bias and toxic negativity together, and thus, the call is to let go of ALL toxic people, drama, negativity, codependent people and behaviour. Plus, urging us to stop getting distracted by negative thinking, drama and loops back into excessive focus on our shadow side. In other words, often aiming at the other extreme of ‘positive vibes only.’ Within this extreme, we also have abuse healing, CPTSD healing and narcissism experts shining light on when we might be practicing too much positivity bias; too much kindness, too much forgiveness, too much positive psychology and gratitude as a form of spiritual or emotional bypass, in order to stay in a state of denial about how 'badl'y we’ve allowed ourselves to be treated, in a situation, personal or professional that isn't really working both ways. Which provides a way of avoiding having to rock the boat to speak up about our needs, or call out abusers or narcissists, at the risk of losing the relationship, benefits or opportunities associated with them. And or incurring the wrath of abuse that can occur in leaving them. Personal or professional. But, in the process, by avoiding speaking up, and or by not setting and holding to terms of acceptable engagement from minute 1 of the relationship, potentially further enabling them to continue with behaviours that don’t support personal or professional growth and progress in the direction of shared and mutually beneficial aspirations and outcomes. E.g. negotiating fair terms of engagement in the shared relational space between us. To be fair (as we will discuss when we look at the journey to owning the power in our voice in the chapter of my book on Being Authentic) I would agree totally that addressing the shadow side of our silent, hesitant, people pleasing tendencies is essential in the empowerment journey. But what concerns me in regards to creating psychological safety, is the risk of abandoning completely working on the very expressions of forgiveness, acceptance, patience and tolerance that still remain necessary for functional long-term relationships and creating psychological safety with healthy people, in the healthy middle zone. For fear of accidentally allowing back in another negative circumstance, or enabling another Narcissist. Many in the process of healing are now becoming so scared of creating the wrong thing again, and or potentially enabling yet another Narcissist, toxic person or Abuser, that we’re not giving second chances to an one AT ALL And in the process sacrificing the possibility of mutually creating relational safety, so that we can maintain our own sense of safety and peace. Personal development, dating and success/high performance culture can lead us to great heights, while asking us to raise the bar on our expectations of ourselves and others, to help us to get to the highs of where we want to go. And while supporting us to reprogram our past mental paradigms and no-longer-helpful or supportive to our current goals modes of thinking. But I fear that the extreme this has pushed us into, or people are being actively coached into, is that many have seemingly swung to the other extreme of labelling ALL negative human experience and emotions as “toxic negativity” , unacceptable and a potential threat to our, or their, success. And the problem what that zero tolerance policy, is that it is almost impossible for any given human to BE 100% positive, all of the time. Thus ‘positivity bias’ ALSO compromises our capacity to create emotional safety for others to be around us, personally or professionally. Because it creates absolutely zero margin for failure. And chucking people at the first transgression against absolute perfection, or no longer supporting our purpose or vision, can create a huge amount of anxiety. When our attitude becomes of almost zero tolerance of the humanity, human frailty, past trauma or hardships and faults of other people, and we close our eyes, heart chakras, lungs and physical space to, and adopt a holding-at-arm’s-length of anyone exhibiting any sign of negative thinking, poverty, abuse history, trauma, or lack-based thinking, codependent behaviour, narcissistic behaviour, or going through very real current and totally normal life transitions or challenge, then an uncompromising lack of compassion, empathy and forgiveness to their humanity can ALSO feel impossibly cold and feel very one-sided, uncompromising and unsupportive to be around, let alone maintain long term. With so little room for mutual negotiation of agreeable terms of engagement. If others come to feel that there is absolutely zero room for them to make a mistake, or be human around us (and the odds, over time, that we WONT make a mistake, basically reduce to zero) and it's "their way or the highway," how can others EVER come to feel safe to open up to growing with, sharing with or investing in us, if they feel it is inevitable that we will dispose of them, at the first sign of human weakness, or failure? Especially if they have a history of insecure attachment or abandonment, this can and does feel extremely psychologically triggering and unsafe to be around, or to invest in for most people. And creates extreme amounts of anxiety. But more than that, ALL human beings have a light side AND a dark side and true empowerment requires that we take ownership of both, and then consciously choose how we show up in future in light of that. But more than that, as just one example, if 2/3 of the adult female population alone have experienced some form of abuse, positivity bias would have us eliminate most of the population from our personal and professional sphere, in order to maintain our 'peace' and 'progress.' And if we only want to deal with people on a certain level of success and status, that also eliminates most of the human population from our sphere of relatability or influence, while we're single-mindedly going for ONLY that. If that's what one wants, ok no problem. But if we want to make a bigger impact and truly empower a wider range of people through our work, that kind of narrows the field on our relatability of WHO we can actually influence? Not to mention that the demand for absolute positivity also denies a huge percentage of people the right to have a voice, as they heal and find their power, presence, purpose and authority? Hence, extreme positivity bias, as much as extreme negativity bias can just as much negatively impact good people and potential relationships . Not to mention negatively impact collaboration, engagement, productivity and project outcomes. Because compassion, empathy, patience and forgiveness of all people, cultivated in the middle ground between the two extremes, are essential components of nurturing and creating the trust and psychological safety required to deepen into long term relationships of all kinds. And are essential for Leaders to cultivate if they’re to successfully Coach or Mentor anyone, not just elite achievers, to greater levels of growth, engagement, productivity, success and achievement in professional settings. Add to this, that we are getting dangerously comfortable with the idea of human relationships being single-serve disposable, because we're now so seemingly spoiled for choice in a global market of 8 billion accessible possibilities. If this one doesn’t work out, or no longer serves our immediate needs, no problems, just chuck them and get a better option. If we were nibbling at the idea of there being plenty more fish in the sea before, now far too many have seemingly swallowed it hook, line and sinker. Leading to the recent observation by many high profile relationship, leadership and success coaches, that loyalty, commitment, and the practice of skill in conflict resolution and handling challenging conversations, are at an all-time low. While strategies for ending, hope of relational success, talk and expectation of endings, literally bragging about how good one is at endings AND personal and professional turnover, are at an all-time high. More than that, in a world where we want 100% ticks against our manifestation lists on our selection criteria (personal or professional) the attitude of always looking upwards for something or someone better, while it might aid our high achieving growth and success on the positive side, on the shadow side, can stop us recognising the value and the potential of the talented, highly suitable, but maybe self-doubting fish right in front of us, who is 85%-90% what we want, but still working (and may even need our help) with development of the other 10-15%. If we believe we can just find someone better, someone 5-10% closer to 100% ‘perfect’, someone who’s 100% instant ease, without requiring any nurturing or effort on our part, who’ll 100% accept us, our vision and our viewpoint completely and do whatever we want, how we want, WHEN we want a) how realistic is this, verses the timeline we have to find that 1 person who is perfect? And b) what message are we sending to the people already in front of us, about THEIR value to us? The paradox is that, this is where the perfectionism and high performance mentality seemingly stops pendulum undulating and comes full circle, straight back into generating negativity bias. And how much emotional safety does it feel like there is around someone who tends to only ever see, refer to or react to the worst in us? Who doesn’t show that they appreciate or value who we are and what we bring to the table? An we can feel literally keeping us at arms length? Do we tend to want to move closer to them? Or move away from them? Thus negativity bias OR positivity bias can both negatively impact our sense of emotional and psychological safety in both personal and professional contexts. Not to mention our ability to influence, engage and collaborate with a wider range of people in professional contexts of all kinds. If we want to be better friends, partners, family members, acquaintances, support people, team mates, customers, clients, students, employers, employees, colleagues, leaders, managers, advisors, coaches, teachers, trainers or mentors, i suggest it's worth asking the question, am i ever falling into playing out either of the extremes of extreme negativity bias or positivity bias? How is this impacting how i'm showing up in the world and in my work? Is this impacting the quality of my relationships? How do I want to be showing up in the kinds of personal and professional contexts mentioned above, going forward? How ideally do you want the people you relate with to feel when with you? And to feel after their time spent with you? What else can you do to create that experience with them going forward? Until next time... NatI was recently discussing with a Ju Jitsu Instructor the 100 second rule. What is that you might ask? As it relates to physical confrontations, apparently it only takes 100 seconds of subduing or restraining someone unskilled in self defence, before they will inevitably give in and essentially check out. What also happens, once we acquire the moves and know-how to show someone that we can either escape or outlast their 100 seconds, is that the mental pendulum of self belief, swings back in our favour. As we start to get the download that we CAN actually do this and, with this and repetition, we start to write new internal pathways of mental, physical and spiritual resilience. I have also recently been watching teenage girls and one of my mid 20's female instructors at my gym, with frequent smiles of confidence and playfulness on their faces. Any fear has been replaced with concentration, as, at this point in their training, they’re basically now legitimate competition and or CAN out-manoeuvre or take down a lot of guys in the room, DESPITE being smaller, shorter and lighter. As we contemplate the 100 second rule further and mentally compare it to other stressful situations or activities in life, especially ones that relate to goals, activities, opportunities that are really important to us, you might too, as I did, start to realise it has relevance to a whole heap of other scenarios in life. Once we have the moves, or have taken some form of action that shows us we CAN outlast that first, awkward 100 seconds, whatever scary activity it is that we're doing 100 seconds of, whether Ju Jitsu, getting assertive with a friend, answering the phone to creditors, public speaking, or having awkward conversations at work, or in life, there's a tremendous sense of "I CAN DO THIS!" that kicks into our mindset through action and experience, when we just do it and stay IN. Along with a tremendous sense of resilience that carries over into so many other aspects of life. As it comes to our fear of speaking or fear of saying how we feel or what we really mean, there is also is a sense of “I CAN DO THIS!” that results from us having got up and given it a go, as we realise that the 100 + seconds of doing so, didn’t actually kill us after all. Which is why so many Speaker Trainers you will encounter are so keen to have us just get up and give it a go, regardless of how it goes, to get us over that hurdle, and effectively shrink the size of the Monster in our heads, back down to it’s actual size. (If it ever even really existed at all.) “Fear knocks on the door. Faith opens the door and no one’s there.” - Irish Proverb And then there’s the techniques we train ourselves to do to performance manage ourselves through and beyond the 100 seconds. We talk about those state management practices a lot in professional speaking training courses. Over the last decade, I’ve talked to A LOT of people, who have concerns with mental health, anxiety or PTSD, who have concerns that those techniques aren’t enough though to help them with THEIR level of anxiety and triggers. I can completely empathise with that, having been through a comparable journey. In my experience, for the overly anxious and prone to hyper-arousal, these techniques ARE actually STILL, at the base level, what we need to master to get our nervous systems back under control. BUT, after over a decade of both trauma informed Counselling and Coaching Practice, plus having trained and worked with multiple world class Organisations that provide various aspects of Professional Speaking Training, plus having had to find A way to function as a Speaker myself having had triggers associated with PTSD to work through ( at a past time in history where, I'm sorry, but not even most Psychologists seemed to have had a clue yet what PTSD was, and if they did, how to recognise how it actually looked in a client, let alone how to help people overcome it so they can speak in public) I would say that there is another step to add. A complimentary puzzle piece, so to speak, for managing hyper-arousal, that fits in neatly around the state management techniques that most leading speaking trainers and training organisations teach to help you get on top of nerves, and fits in nicely around the breathing, CBT and visualisation exercises that many Psychologists might give us to do, that needs to also be integrated. As it takes a while to explain, properly, and likely you’ll possibly have a lot of questions, I’ve created a 45 min webinar, in which i'll give you an outline of what that step is. Find out more about and register for "How to Manage Speaking Nerves for the Overly Anxious" Beyond learning this, the next step is practice practice practice it. At first with the guidance of a suitably knowledgeable and experienced professional. And beyond that, in a dedicated, committed, consistent fashion, on our own time, for long enough to take a new experience, and some new behaviours and turn them into a habit. And a permanent new set of mental, physical and spiritual pathways. Love to see you on there. Do let me know if you have any questions. Until next time, have fun, take care. Nat xxHow do we create greater emotional safety within, in the presence of strongly held differing viewpoints? And achieve greater influence (eg having another of a differing viewpoint sincerely listen to us and take on board our viewpoint), without coming across as dogmatically rigid? That’s what I'll be talking about in this blog… One of the themes that has come up in my work A LOT over the years, is how do we make it ‘safe’ to show up as our authentic selves and to stand in ownership of our own unique concept of what brings us both a sense of meaning and purpose in life. There is a deep sense of peace, wholeness and happiness that we find in connecting with and living into whatever our version of that is. And in learning to be at ease in that, despite the existence of differing ways of viewing, or being that might show up in the world around us. The more that we own our authentic selves and our truth, the more likely it is also, after all, that we will polarise others, who are sitting in a different energy and or perspective. Our ability to influence others to consider our viewpoints in important business or leadership contexts (let alone with friends or family in life) depends heavily on what we do next when that polarisation arrives. With ourselves, and with them. One of the first challenges to our ability to connect with others here, can be the self protection thing our ego’s do to try and protect and defend that world view, when we feel like another’s attachment and adamance about a differing viewpoint, or seeming lack of openness to ours, is interpreted as an ‘existential threat’ to our own. It kind of makes sense that, on some level, when we finally find a good, thing, we want to hold ONTO that good thing. We likely want to share that good thing with others. And we certainly, like a garden we just poured all our efforts into, don’t want other people to come in and stomp all over our pretty flowers and all that hard internal work. For us to get over this hurdle, we first have to realise that, like the spoon in The Matrix, “there IS NO existential threat!” Actually we’re often giving our power away to others when we behave as though they have some magical ability to reach into our heads and physical selves and mess with the truth of the garden in our minds. In truth, that’s our domain, of which we are the gatekeepers. Even if another does present some viewpoint, that it turns out is like an upgrade on our worldview 46.30, to worldview 46.31, it’s important to remember that any discomfort we feel with that, as the daggers of transformation cut off our heads and old world views, is temporary and too shall pass. (Yeah i know, easier said than done, when it comes to triggers.) But ultimately, as the thinker of our own thoughts, we do get to both contextualise it in a way that helps us, and then decide what we do next based upon it. The more we expose ourselves to differing viewpoints, the more practiced we will become at processing this, and both staying in our centre and managing OUR state, while in the presence of the external difference. Without having to either remove ourselves completely from differing viewpoints to cope. Or ask others to withdraw or withhold their truth, for our comfort and or long term thrive-ability. Or sense of self worth for that matter. The second way that we can block others from being willing or able to consider our unique viewpoint, is by not recognising that, so often, the other party might be going through a very similar ‘existential threat’ reaction, when it comes to their own sense of expertise, identity, meaning, purpose and worldviews, in response to our expression of ours. Even if they don’t show signs of their vulnerability around this in obvious ways. To remember, that, if they seem to become defensive, or aggressive, or to go silent or withdraw, these too can be signs that, on a deeper level, they might be feeling the fear and the threat of their own existential crisis, in regards to hearing a view different to their own. We tend to have more compassion when we realise that someone is scared, over purposefully being an "a-hole." In this regard, creating a safe conversational environment, in which any party can share a viewpoint can involve holding the intention to be gentle and appropriately respectful of them, their feelings, their world view and mindful of the impact as our words land upon their senses. That doesn’t mean we’re becoming or encouraging “fragility”, over resilience or robustness. It can simply be a way of acknowledging that we’re all worthy of being treated with respect and deserving of an environment of emotional safety and trust. And to presumed innocent before guilty. And the challenge for us is to hold to that level of respect still, especially in moments of differing opinions, or heated emotions. A third way we can block our capacity to influence, is by becoming overly dogmatic in our expression of our worldview or passionately regarded subjects to others. Which sort of involves adopting a “my way is THE WAY and the RIGHT better way for ALL” type mentality about our worldviews. Possibly combined with a sense of superiority gained through ‘us knowing better than them.’ Without acknowledging that others can be just as knowing and just as expert, in compliment TO us. Just maybe in different words and different ways. In a world where many are now trying to be experts, most people are struggling with a sense of feeling good enough, of belonging and may have a deep desire to create a positive impact in the world, it kind of makes sense that we want to find and stay attached to the things that boost our confidence. Plus want to fast track to the place in life where we feel like we're walking social proof of the value of what we know and what we have to offer. BUT, deriving our sense of self worth primarily from finding evidence of our being better, performing better or knowing better than others from the outside, is fraught with risk. Not only because our sense of self based on anything from the outside world, can and will change and can and will at times be withdrawn. Thus it can be a better bet for our OWN sense of inner safety, as mentioned above, to define our worth as an inside job. But, it’s also problematic for the longevity of relationships of all kinds, when we need someone else to be less than us, or stay broken so that we can feel superior, enough or still of value. How good does it feel to be around someone in the long term, who is completely invested in perceptions of our inferiority, incompetence, failures, our lack of self worth and judging us as bad or wrong? Does it uplift us? Does it motivate us? Does it makes us want to open up, move closer and invest more? Or pull away? There will always need to be advisory, caring, teaching or mentoring type relationships in life, where there is need for skill and knowledge exchange, from someone viewed to be more experienced, to someone who doesn’t know about or know how to do that thing. But the problem is when we start to feel a party basically getting off on being better than us and condescendingly talking down to us (and or, perhaps too) actively resisting and trying to sabotage it when we DO grow and level up to them, so that their ego can maintain THEIR sense of safety in their hierarchal identity.) I’m all for celebrating wins and growth, often. But I’m not sure about you, but it makes me personally want to withdraw and I find it a bit obnoxious, when someone around me is only ever about THEIR viewpoint and how great THEY are, and doesn’t take the time to either truly see or appreciate who YOU are and what YOU bring to the equation. And/or, if they’re always all too ready to ‘coach’ and nitpick all your holes. And I’m inclined to want to tell them so and why. Now again with this, part of the challenge when we’re experiencing this is to learn how to maintain our centre around them, and define our own worth, without being pulled out of it and regardless of whether they are or aren’t honouring us or our boundaries. Granted that this is not always easy, hence why personal development memes about just removing toxic people get such great “quick fix” uptake, dare I say it, without really resolving much of anything in terms of influence or long term engagement? With the exception of the truly Psychopathic and Machiavellian, the odds are that most humans are human and will slip up and make a relatively innocent mistake or offend us at some point, the longer we know them? So do we just toss all humans at the first sign of difference or dogma? That too, doesn't exactly inspire trust or safety to invest. There are a couple of intentions/viewpoints we can adopt ourselves that can help inoculate ourselves against ever becoming overly dogmatic ourselves. The first of these is to remember and remind ourselves often that our view is NOT the only way, it is potentially one of many roads to the same destination. And often times, other parties may be talking about a similar concept, through a slightly different lens. If we were to compare notes with others in an objective, scientific, yet heart centred way, and compare other belief systems or systems for resolving a certain problem or creating a certain outcome, we would quickly come to see evidence of that. But also to see that we likely both had things in common, as well as different, creative/innovative strategies to have achieved a common outcome, or come to that viewpoint. And yes, we might also, as is one of the TRUE goals of science as I was taught it, uncover or be given evidence of a potentially more efficient way, or a way that actually more accurately explains and accounts for what we have been observing, than the hypothesis we might have previously come up with to explain it. In this regard, one of the mentalities I adopted while studying science, that apply just as much to every other area in which I’ve tried to gain knowledge, as much as spiritual enlightenment over the years, is to constantly be prepared for the incoming reality that views might change and there might be another way…so hold your views, but be willing to stay open to new perspectives, and humble enough to be accountable and open about it when you view upgrades. And to stay curious when someone offers another perspective or a different way. It’s important to remember too that their new views or developments also don’t invalidate the contributions or effort we put in, in times past. Our efforts also helped get things to where they are now. But now we are being called to evolve with the times. It’s not failure, it’s growth. Holding an inner narrative like this, helps us hold and create greater internal safety for ourselves through these upgrade of knowledge moments. Which in turn, helps other feel safer to BE around us, as we grow, evolve, and exchange differing viewpoints, together. A slightly outside of a leadership context example of this, I observed recently, while watching the Zombieland movies, while I was down for a few weeks with what certainly felt like some crazy Zombie viral bronchitis. When in Zombieland Double Tap, Columbus and Tallahassee meet their alter-ego’s in Flagstaff and Albuquerque. As random people who’ve come together post Zombie Apocalypse, as allies in order to survive Zombieland, Flagstaff and Albuquerque are like alter egos of Columbus and Tallahassee. Each pair is a very similar, but different, totally complimentary pair of “brains” and “braun” so to speak. Without having had anything to do with each other prior, Columbus and Flagstaff have each, independently come up with an instructional manual of considerations necessary for surviving Zombieland. Columbus has titled this The Rules of Surviving Zombieland. And Flagstaff, concurrently, came up with the Commandments of Surviving Zombieland. Each is very proud of their intellectual property. As are their respective friends’ proud of their ‘nerdy sidekicks’ respective systems. As Columbus and Flagstaff start to share about their systems, curiously ask questions to better understand the other's logic and compare examples of their rules/commandments, they find that there are numerous synchronicities within their respective systems. So, for example, one’s rule #2, might be equivalent to the other’s commandment number #24. At the same time, they discovered that their orders of things like priority, and what they named each one and why, might be slightly different, and then we see both genuinely considering why the conclusion the other came to, also makes a lot of sense. It’s got all the hallmarks of the potential to escalate into an egoic battle for IP supremacy of epic proportions. Yet, what happens is, any time they find a difference, they acknowledge and then give credit to the other’s way of thinking about it, or naming it. So within this particular interaction, the more they share, the more they find relatability to the other and build rapport, based on their common ground. Plus find a kind of respect of the other’s intelligence, as a mirror of their own. From this place, they can both be friendly AND further influence each other’s worldviews. In order for balance to be restored in the Movieverse (as is the case with some sci fi’s when an actual alternate version of a version of a character from another reality accidentally enters the current reality) one of the two pairs ultimately has to prove flawed and be eliminated from that reality. But I couldn’t help but think it’s such a great example in that moment of a collaborative strategy for how to deal with the egoic attachments associated with our beliefs, world views and intellectual property, as it comes to engaging with and influencing others. With that level of curiosity, respect and the desire to find like souls and common ground at the heart of that interaction, it went in a much better direction than the average live debate show, or many of the threads you’ve likely witnessed on social in recent years about who’s version of “science,” or “conspiracy,” was the “right” one. The dogmatic style of influence on the other hand (where leaders try and use guilt, shame, superiority or judgement to point out what “stupid, unenlightened sheep” the people of a different viewpoint they want to influence are for not doing 'a thing') rarely succeeds in getting anyone to lastingly take on or come on over to our viewpoint. Or wins their respect for that matter. So much as something else underneath it that they want to avoid, is the true motivating factor for their action. The risk is that it insights further polarisation and separation, for falling into the category of “abusive.” If the Leader or person using the ‘dogmatic’ style of influence, is in a position of power over those “stupid sheep”, they may well get fearful compliance for as long as it is needed. BUT followed by abandonment of ship, or the block button the moment it doesn’t and there’s another viable option. One with the perception of greater safety, kindness, acknowledgement, understanding and respect. If I started this article talking about us finding the truth and the way that best resonates for us, then the invitation of this article might be to consider where this does or doesn’t apply in one’s own reality. And then let it inform our worldview of how we want to show up in the world, in matters of communication and influence going forward. It’s A viewpoint of some ways in which one might be able to create greater emotional safety with people, to achieve greater influence. But it’s not the only one. Until next time.
As with many human conditions and circumstances, as with being childfree by choice, or considering oneself childless by circumstance, there can be an aspect of blame and perception of victimhood that can underly one’s experience and be a part of one’s growth journey. So if there was a model and a roadmap for moving from a state of victimhood to empowerment, what would that look like? And how would it apply collectively as well as individually, for a whole host of situations in which finding the gateway from one destination, to the other, is a thing? If that’s of interest to you, please tune in below for this week's episode of 40 No Kids Now What Podcast.
Here is a visual representation of the journey roadmap mentioned in this week's episode 14 of the 40 No Kids Now What Podcast:
Listen here:
But seriously, beyond the lens of professional acting & media arts, and my professional observations about all things grief and trauma, some personal reasons why I love this franchise: According to some of the real life Pilots of all genders & instructors in the main FB fan groups and their articles and podcasts, Top Gun in real life actually isn’t about recruiting only the top 1% based on performance, and in fact, machismo, rule breaking and being a “shit winner” (“nar nar neh nah neh, eg rubbing your victory in others faces) and not playing for the team, is quickly called out. And who is chosen is actually based on what skills & knowledge each can offer that best fit the current group’s needs at the time & their capacity to teach and share their knowledge at the end of their rotation. In the movie, I think this is exactly why now Top Gun Instructor, Admiral Tom Kazanski (eg “Iceman”) calls his friend, Captain Pete Mitchell (“Maverick”) back to Top Gun to have another go at teaching, after he pissed off other Admirals & got reassigned last time he was there, for not playing by the rule book. Ice, though, through the decades, still sees Mav’s potential as a brilliant Teacher, despite Mav’s doubt in his own ability as an Instructor to transfer what he knows and knows he is masterful at as a pilot. In movie 1, Mav’s doubt was, in part, a form of inherited, self fulfilling prophecy, while he still believed that his Father, pilot Duke Mitchell, was at fault and a failure in the dog fight that claimed his life, until his TG Instructor, Mike Metcalf, “Viper,” who was actually there when it happened, sets him straight on that his Dad was a hero, who saved several, by staying in the fight til the end. Yet Mav is, by movie 2, still working through forgiving himself and letting go of survivor guilt from the loss of Goose (even though the military once declared it an accident). Not to mention work through the trauma configuration typical of a kid without a parent/s; of rebellion, pushing against the boundaries, trying to find the balance of control and safety, while struggling to define and differentiate his identity and establish independence from his Dad. And the kind of not believing you’re ever enough, that leads to always going for “just a little push” more, seeking perfectionism and the validation of achieving the goal, when you didn’t have secure, stable parents who helped you believe you WERE wanted, loveable and enough, without having to over-deliver. To a kid who’s lost their parents, the adult nature of reality of a death and loss hits before they have the capacity and tools to really fully process it. But also, they tend to quickly learn that love and approval and even safety, is no longer guaranteed in the same way it is taken for granted as inevitable in securely attached 2 plus parent families. To a kid (like Mav or Bradley (Lt Bradley Bradshaw/“Rooster”/Goose and Carroll’s son) both of whom lost a parent while they were young enough to still be completely dependent for meeting their basic care needs, suddenly, you now have to behave well enough and be likeable/charismatic enough to convince people to WANT to take responsibility for providing for you and helping you grow. Until you’re old enough to go get a job and do it for yourself. Aspects of privileged family life may no longer be a guarantee. From lived experience, I can tell you this is terrifying…and you can end wishing you died too, rather than wanting to exist now feeling like a massive burden on anyone doing the caring. Let alone anxious about a parent or carers ability to meet your needs. (Welcome too, to why young Mav tries so hard to prove himself to and charm the ladies too, not just because he’s a raging, egoic narcissist, phlegmatic and carefree. Far from it. But young Mav is fully engaged in a kind of extroverted overcompensation, trying to prove that he’s enough, but not really ever believing/trusting in that, when it comes to human connection and relationships, that he IS enough.) But the fear and pain resulting from: 1) the knowledge that most people remain ignorantly blissful to until a bit later in life, that all love ultimately ends in the tremendous pain of grief associated with death, can lead to a) an intense fear of opening back up emotionally and being vulnerable in close connection and professional or personal connection of all kinds (now that you know how it ultimately ends) and b) can lead to either things like fun seeking/adrenaline seeking or escapist pursuits to try and cope with/disperse the adrenaline and anxiety and instead ‘take control’ of riding the fear c) self defence and avoidance strategies when the threat of disapproval/abandonment/endings/rejection gets too close or too much, including d) potentially self-rejecting first, before either you hurt them/let them down and/or they can see who and how you really are and potentially reject you. Over time the urge to hide one’s fear/disfunction and “not enoughness” grows as you experience more rejection of the true you. (If people can’t understand why you are the way you are by adulthood, empathy sometimes gives way to either eye rolling, or judgements about what a f#%k up, waste of space you are, like Admirals Cain and at times Simpson in TGM grilling Mav for why the hell he’s still a Captain at his age, while others are now Admirals and State Senators. Or, when there’s actual intimacy, putting up a wall of self protection against the hurt of being left unmet and hurting in reaction to wounded kids wounding still operating in the grown up, like Penny in Mav’s past and no doubt Charlie in the past) leading also to 3) a) the constant fear of the pain of rejection by potential/future surrogate family/support replacements, who don’t think you’re worth the effort/investment and this then also leads to the reinforcement of the belief and doubt about you not being enough in human relationships of all kinds b) excess hesitation of “thinking before you do” in the face of making a decision, relative to the weight of what you stand to lose through the consequences and c) then, eventually, just wanting to be up front with people about your dysfunction, to “manage expectations”, before you have a chance let down or hurt anyone else again. If Caine & Simpson cared to create enough safety to hear the real answer of why Mav is the way he is, this is what they might have noticed, or heard. Conversely, Ice, (despite all that happened in the past that could’ve driven them apart) having got the closest to Mav, being someone Mav has shown his true self to and feels safe to still confide in, and Ice, being a now great elder, friend and Instructor himself, is familiar with and has listened to and seen what it’s really like for Mav. I imagine Ice also, on some level, also probably would still feel partly responsible for helping heal things with Mav & Rooster while he sees Mav still torturing himself over it. But being first hand in it too, has compassion for Mav’s struggles, and goes all in, encouraging him to "let it go' and step up anyway, while Ice (given his throat cancer) still has time to push the point. So, coming back to how Top Gun instructors are really selected, despite Mav’s psych and performance evaluations over the years, Ice had assessed that Mav’s skills & abilities are exactly what this group of pilots need to get this job done & return alive & he knows Mav is key to “the kid’s” healing & stepping up after the loss of his parents & initial rejection to flight school. Plus that it’s key to Mav’s healing the survivor guilt from Goose, & to his wholeness to heal his connection with his “surrogate son/surrogate family” at a more personal level. IF Mav can JUST “let go” and put aside the past and all the judgements, and believe in his capacity to connect with others well, in the future. Old flame Penny Benjamin, healing and coming to understand better through seeing Mav’s vulnerability in moments like when he nearly bursts into tears at the bar door (watching Goose’s son play Great Balls of Fire on piano, from the outside now of his surrogate family looking in) seeing him offer to help her twice without pushing any agenda, after she already set the tone and boundaries of re-engagement, about “not going there again, given how it always ends”, and also listening to him open up as he navigates his way through his new assignment and ascending his wounds, Penny becomes an equal encourager friend, along with Ice, from the inside. For me, having struggled with so many of these things, looking at Mav and Rooster in particular, feels a bit like looking in a mirror. Somehow I now understand myself a little better for watching these characters navigate the same hurdles. And I do love the odd piece of art that helps you grow, heal, and feel good by the end. It is a blessing in life when you find people who’ve been through something similar and can understand you, and when you find or create your own “surrogate family”. BUT, if people don’t understand and you can’t be vulnerable and or communicate to people WHY you are the way you are, and what you need from your end, to meet/be met half way as the connection grows, some people end up writing you off as a cold, self serving narcissist , resource-sucking, toxic, lost cause, waste of their time and energy, who just does what you want, when you want, with little regard for who you trash along the way. While others endeavour to try and work you out and work with you anyway. I love that TG Maverick’s story provides an alternative viewpoint of how it REALLY is for people who lost parents young, as you try and grow and look forward. While having to unhook the lines from the parachute of the past, when you realise it’s still stuck on and tying you to a fixed point in a timeline past. Say what to you will about the machismo that Mav’s and Ice have grown through over the years, despite the loss of Goose, but Pete Mitchell, by all counts, and despite all protests, has quietly grown by TGM into a REALLY great guy. As well as one of the hero good guys. He shows up fully to every challenge. He becomes an amazingly dedicated teacher and leader, who asks all the right questions, he tries to follow the rules, but still does it his way when ‘he knows better’ than Admirals/Instructors “Cyclone” and “Warlock” what his students need to see to believe (& the Admirals later concede he got the job done of not just achieving the mission, but showing them how to come home), he never gives up and shows up as a “fill in Dad”, he’s a loyal friend and Leader, who quite literally will have everyone’s backs until the end. He shows up in love. He’s mastering a humble patience and respect of others speed of moving and growth that’s admirable. In this respect, I think he’s become one of my favourite movie characters ever. There's gold in here about healing childhood trauma, PTSD and helping Men heal through grief and loss. Dare I say it, this whole story gives me hope, in moments where I have doubted in myself, and stayed Captain, while others rose to Admiral, out of the same fears and false beliefs about not being wanted and my own inadequacies, for which “I need to manage expectations", but more to the point, manage ME, every time I love and live again. And makes me want to step back up as a Teacher, in my own ways in which I’m not always sure how to teach what others might also say I’m masterful at. In the age of disposable work and personal relationships, stories about loyalty, not leaving your wing person and having each other’s backs through all forms of challenge, really count for something. The love and loyalty and camaraderie (& trauma bonds, in that there’s a certain type/depth of closeness that builds specifically during crisis and adversity) between Mav & Ice, decades later after Mav & Goose, the healing journey between Mav and Bradley, ‘as family’ and the reconciliation of Mav & Penny, as he heals his demons, is inspiring and a source of hope, aspiration and clearly a source of resonance for many. The very idea of Mav & Ice and Rooster & Hangman, and then all the other pilots, being able to grow through the challenges, to work as teams and become a close team of Wingpeople, who have each others backs until the literal near, or actual ends of their lives, is a beautiful example of teamwork and leadership we can all aspire to, as we all face relatable culture challenges, across many other industries and areas of life. According to the female real life fighter pilots too, who report that the Women are often an example of ‘doing it right’, compared to the bits of machismo that get weeded out, Phoenix too (who Maverick, as Team Leader on the mission, selects from the squad as his Wing Woman, along with Rooster and Coyote) is also a brilliant example of how female pilots really do act as a balancing, unifying force, within such teams in real life.
Nat xxAre you playing the big game in life and going after what you really want, Or are you shrinking to accept life’s current circumstances?
I’ve been reflecting this last little bit on how easy it can be, when the pressure is on in life, in terms of things like your current bank balance, perceived work availability, partner, employer, family demands, resource scarcity and especially during times like the last two years of global circumstances relating to pandemics, lockdown and the far-reaching impact these have had on our social interaction, prior face to face earning capacity for many industries, and what reach or impact we can have out there in the world, for example, to start shrinking to life’s circumstances. Not just in ones psychic perception of how far one can physically go out into the world at such times and what is acceptable or possible to achieve at such times. It’s easy for your expectations or visions or weekly goals to also start shrinking to match. When we start thinking in terms of fear and lack, it suddenly becomes very easy to start shrinking dreams, visions and daily goals and expectations, to fit the circumstance. To fit the external demands. To accept the status quo, to not want to rock the boat, especially if one perceives one is at risk of losing something that is now perceived as rare or more scarcer than it used to be. And that’s too much of a risk to take. But then, if there are genuine circumstances in life we’re trying to break through and rise above, like our financial set point; like establishing ourselves as a Leader or Authority on a subject, like succeeding in upping our business service fees to be more profitable than charitable, like not repeating the same mental or karmic patterns at work, or in personal life, from a decade ago, that one never wanted to go through again; playing into the fear and limits of the old, is exactly how we can start to fall in the hole of creating and ultimately accepting, the precursors of the exact same thing all over again. Example 1: We worry (especially as Women) about running out of money and the implications of not being able to pay bills or feed loved ones, or being evicted, so we temporarily give up and take the job that’s half the pay to what we could be getting, at almost the 11th hour, instead of backing ourselves and applying for 50 more, better fitting opportunities at double the pay rate, that we’re actually entitled to at our level of expertise. That same job, different day job you take again, eventually drains you in the same way, so you inevitably leave it, not being able to tolerate it any longer, likely before you really had a backup plan, only to end up in the exact same 11th hour circumstance when the back up funds run short, and be faced with the same decision again. When this same circumstance happens multiple times over the course of a decade, one makes a series of the same decision again and again, and then can wonder at the end of a decade why they’re still stuck in a job they hate, that sucks them dry, are still financially no better off and haven’t made the massive impact, or haven’t achieved the ascension and recognition one hoped one would’ve by now. Example 2: Despite having a desire to want to connect with higher paying markets in one’s business, one concedes to serving and dropping their price for the same 20-200 people who can’t pay that, conceding it will help one get momentum and testimonials, increase reach and awareness and ultimately make a bigger difference in the world. One ends up staying up and working huge hours trying to build out something that works for the people that are showing up. Only to end up realising later that they’re actually still building out ones services and offerings to meet the exact market and circumstances one was trying to move beyond’s needs, instead of building to meet the one they were wanting to break into instead. Then one might wonder at the end of a decade why they still have low paying clients, are still exhausted from overworking to serve them for low rates, are still trying to sort of their wounds and limiting beliefs and haven’t reached their financial goals. Let alone made the global impact they hoped to. Example 3: One has a passion for doing something creative, like fashion design or dance or photography or cooking or singing or painting or building cute little cabinets from certain types of wood or knitting things. One really wants to do this and get paid for it. And maybe get some recognition for it for being really good at it. But again, every time one has some free time to do these things, or a break between work, which would allow a possibility for the pursuit of such things, one starts playing the lack game; lack of time, can’t justify doing this right now because need to do something that makes me more money, guaranteed, “i’ll do it right after I “pay off this thing,” “look after the needs of [insert person’s name from family or personal life.” And then, all of a sudden, a decade goes by, and one realised that one hasn’t accepted any of the extra or featured acting roles or singing jobs they signed up for, one hasn’t painted or knitted or created more than one cabinet and one still hasn’t made money from it and it’s still a pipe dream. That one indulges, occasionally, when one “has the time.” But of course my love! Because what we often don’t realise in the moment of “the crunch” itself, is that what we were actually doing, almost every time we had a choice (and a window open to create a different reality) was shrinking to the perceived confines of the prevailing circumstances, out of fear and lack and doubt. Sticking to the known path, the predictable and safety of the comfortable. Swimming straight back to the shore, when we swim on out ok, but then panic when we realise how far out we are and that we can no longer touch the bottom. And thus went back to accepting the status quo. But what action did we commit and follow through on, to actually play a bigger game? And stick with that game, even when the grass on the pitch we’re nurturing hasn’t popped it’s shoots above the ground for us to see results yet? I made alot of massive decisions, as it turns out, as I turned 40. One of those was to choose a theme of this year that reads like “PLAY BIGGER.” Inspired by the stories of a few awesome people, who achieved Awesome things in the world, by choosing to back themselves, by choosing to actually share their “audacious” visions and ask for more than they were first offered, or told was “possible.” On International Women’s Day, you might have seen I shared a blog with seven examples of high achieving Women (who never had biological children of their own), who refused to except the status quo and pushed all the boundaries in life and achieved amazing things, driven by the desire to want to make a positive impact in the world, to achieve new things for Women like them and change the limits of the way things were. It was here in case you missed it. There are also two awesome Men who Immediately come to my mind as standout examples of people who chose to be audacious in the face of both opposition and opportunity, to play a bigger game and, in some cases, to be willing to reach higher and ask for more. In his autobiography, Greenlights, Matthew McConaughey describes numerous times in his acting career where, from a young age, he was put forward for a particular role, a part that some colleague or agent or casting professional, producer or director initially had their idea of what they thought he could do or be. But then McConaughey had his own ideas of what he saw and his vision of how he thought a particular character could be played. Or his own idea to instead play a lead role that he thought he would be a great fit for. That rather than just secretly wishing for it like many people would, but saying nothing, and rather than just playing by the hierarchy, playing the game as you’re supposed to and auditioning for the part that he was put forward for, for not wanting to seem ungrateful, he was bold enough to put it out there to ask for the possibility to audition for a lead role/another character when he thought he’d actually be perfect for it instead. When he was then given an opportunity to audition, he would go above and beyond to bring his visions of those characters to life and bring his own life experience, imagination, research, professionalism and empathy to them. In that way, he went from being type cast as, for example, some KKK bad guy, to successfully being offered the chance to play a hero and a Lead, like Jake Brigance in "A Time to Kill." He backed himself, he had the balls to just put it out there, he showed up, he delivered and history clearly shows his prize was that he won the bigger possibilities many times. Including earning an Academy Award for his Performance in Dallas Buyers Club. His faith in his shared vision with the Creators of that movie was such that he started preparation and losing weight for that role a year in advance. Up until a couple of months before they were due to start filming, there were still major doubts as to whether there was sufficient funding to be able to complete that movie or not. Yet he felt to stay the course and keep trusting that it would work out. He stayed in regular touch, reinforcing that he knew it would happen. And history now shows that that movie happened and it's now a pinnacle of his career. He now sits in my head as as a constant reminder that it’s ok to play bigger. To show up as your full potential. Put your visions out there. To ask for more. To have faith and be willing to receive something bigger as your means of service. To be brave and back yourself enough to stop excepting less than that, because we worry that this is all that we can get. Or, if we do get it, that we might “ $h&t the bed”, as Justin Timberlake once put it in “Friends with Benefits,” in reference to a job opportunity at GQ Magazine. (Well we might, but what if we also win? And what if even “$h&tting the bed” actually turns out to be a win?) A little closer to home in Australia and NZ, last year, I was very fortunate to get to attend one of the inspirational speeches of the “awesome” Paralympic Sprinter and International Inspirational Speaker, Cam Calkoen. If you haven’t seen him speak, please see him. Cam’s story was that, from a young age he dreamed of travelling the world, entertaining and making a positive impact. He also had dreams of running. But, on account of the fact that he was born with Cerebral Palsy, he was told by Specialists and many Educators alike, that it was not realistic to think he would ever be able to do any of these things, for people with his condition. Cam decided he wasn’t having that as a reality. Took up trying to get exceptionally good at running….and came out a Paralympic Gold Medalist, before then going on to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. For someone who was told he would never walk well or be able to speak well, he also decided he wanted to get really great at Professional Speaking. Got to connecting with some leading organisations and BIG personalities in the processing of seeking opportunities to speak more, and is now an International Motivational Speaker and Social Entrepreneur, who has spoken to and inspired people across the world, despite, as he puts it, his “funny accent.” Again, his stories of not just what he refused to believe and what he's he’s achieved, but his decisions to go “why not” and just send those emails to the people he did, let alone to accept and rise to the possibilities, again, is the epitome of “dream big, achieve more” well-lived. Many of us Women in particular are conditioned NOT to do any of this. How dare we be so bold and ungrateful to ask for more? But do we really want to keep playing that game, for fear of rocking the boat? So the point of today? It’s a reminder to look for the ways in which we’re playing small and shrinking to fit our perceived, present reality. And to make sure we’re finding ways to stretch to rising into, and creating our actual destiny. We can choose to have the audacity to raise the bar. To endure the freak out that can come when we will inevitably have to let go of what people and opportunities aren’t in alignment with, or willing to receive us in the full capacity of who we are here to be. Or to endure the equal freak out that can come when bigger opportunity actually presents itself….and find ways to lean into the excitement of it, into one’s faith in one’s entitlement to it, and keep going, until one realises one’s dream. Whatever, or whoever, it is. Become aware of when you’re playing small and taking on the external world's perceptions of what is possible. Start making different decisions, moment to moment. Aim higher. Go for more. Do more that's in alignment with who you know you're truly here to become and what you know you're here to achieve. And surround yourself with the kind of support and belief system that pulls you more in the direction of your new reality, than back to repeating the old habits, relationships and circumstances you didn't want. Get busy something different to what you've always done, notice the moments where it's all working in your favour, and before too long, one day you'll look up and realise you're actually there and you've done it. Whatever it is. I look forward to hearing from you what you'll be doing to play your own bigger game this year and smiling with you about it when you're there. (Before too, but definitely when you're there!) Until next time … Nat xx P.S. Live session support and events are back from April. You can check out what's on under the Events and Programs tabs on this site, and or book a time to chat, virtually NOW, or live from the second week of April, HERE. Happy International Women’s Day to you! This year, in addition to sending a little love to all people who identify as Women everywhere, I also wanted to celebrate the achievements of one of the sometimes forgotten, but ever growing groups of Women; those without children by choice or circumstance. There is an unfortunate stereotype that exists for this group of Women, (for the whole group of people of all genders who identify as childfree by choice or circumstance really) that inherently impacts on the open participation of this group of Women in today. One that says that if you are one, you’re inherently narcissistic, selfish and contribute nothing of value to society by doing so. This notion, as a self professed Women without kids by the combination of choice and circumstance, who is friends with, works with, runs programs for, speaks and writes now about how to thrive in career love and life as a Women exploring life beyond the traditional life path of biological Motherhood, I feel the emphatic, compulsive obligation to, with love, call bullsh*t on. So much so, that I spent the last few days navigating through hundreds of wikipedia linked articles and digging up lists of at least 400 famous people of various occupations who didn’t go on to have children of their own, yet are household names you would likely recognise, and then shortly after also likely realise have more than likely been a frequent part of your reality, growth and enjoyment during the course of your time on our humble planet, wherever upon it you reside. Granted, this is a little Western White Privileged Middle Class born White Woman who identifies as slightly more bisexual than cis gender heterosexual centric in my compilation. But if you’re in this group of people yourself, I want you to know, especially today, that I see you! I see how often, how very purpose oriented and driven, how extremely dedicated and just how hard-working for your causes that you are. I see you struggling with your own version of creating work life balance, wealth and sustainability, while you’re managing and juggling all your professional projects, relationships, businesses, side hustles…and trying to squeeze in time to date or be present for friends and family at the same time. I see you feeling second to the hard working, high achieving Mums and feeling like it’s not ok to honour you in comparison, to ask or to celebrate all that you are and bring to the world, out in public. But you know that you really do deserve your time today too, right? There are so many millions of Women without kids of their own out there doing life changing, world impacting work out there that is absolutely a legacy to the world that deserves to be seen and celebrated, openly and with pride, today of all days, and every day. So if you are one, please join me in taking just 5 minutes some time today to sit somewhere quiet, close your eyes, list at least 3-5 reasons that the world is so damn lucky to have you. To affirm that what unique gifts you bring to the world are so very needed in the world, right now of all times. And to reaffirm to yourself that you are needed, your belong here and it is your time to not just shine in the world, and to build your legacy. But to thrive in being happy, in creating a life you truly love, and expressing your fullest potential, in a thousand other ways (other than having achieved the miracle of growing a life and squeezed a baby out your ………. That is an EPIC achievement that deserves a whole lot of celebration…..and so too is the reason your were born to this planet, and you living this next phase of your journey is a needed part of your unique life purpose…and the very reason you’re here. For the little and big differences you will make in the world, we thank and celebrate you today. Bless and thank you. Massive love and huge hugs to you. Nat xx P.S. For inspirational and educational purposes this International Women’s Day, here is a list of 7 well-known Women who didn’t have children of their own (+ at least 1 Step Mum), that you might know of, that I think are pretty epic, who’ve made a massive positive impact in society in various ways too. (Big thanks and acknowledgement to the countless contributors to the wiki resources and articles linked below and paraphrased or quoted above, from which I’ve compiled the below achievements and bios.
Fatema Mernissi Fatema Mernissi, a Moroccan sociologist and feminist writer, who was one of the founders of Islamic feminism, is known for her sociopolitical approaches towards discussing gender and sexual identities, specifically those in Morocco and other Muslim countries. Throughout her career, Mernissi was an avid spokesperson regarding women's rights and equality, while also embracing the Islamic faith. Mernissi's works focused on providing a voice for oppressed and marginalized women, tackling issues such as Eurocentrism, intersectionality, transnationalism and global feminism in her publications and public lectures. She has also brought to light the contributions of Muslim women to the economy and politics and acknowledged many factors that affect how females are viewed within Islamic cultures. As well as externally by Western Feminism. She apparently studied political science at the Sorbonne in Paris and later at Brandeis University in the US, where she gained her doctorate in 1974. And then returned to work at the Mohammed V University in Rabat and taught at the Faculté des Lettres between 1974 and 1981 on subjects such as methodology, family sociology and psychosociology. She was also apparently a research scholar at the University Institute for Scientific Research there. [5] In addition to her most influential publications, she received several awards for her work. “In 2003, Mernissi was awarded the Prince of Asturias Award, along with Susan Sontag. Mernissi's acceptance speech, The Cowboy or Sinbad?, covered the topic of globalization, and was recognized for her pensive take, considering both the issue and effects of culture. In 2004, she was awarded the Erasmus Prize, alongside Sadik Al-Asm and Abdolkarim Soroush.” “For this award, she was recognized for her sociocultural impact since it was dedicated to "Religion and Modernity". “In 2017, The Middle East Studies Association created the Fatima Mernissi Book Award to recognize outstanding scholarship in studies of gender, sexuality, and women’s lived experience ”. [5] Mernissi, I believe, never had children, but her legacy is the scholarly and literary contributions she made to the early Islamic feminist movement and the undeniable impact they have had and continue to have in the world. [5]
Thats just seven stories of millions and millions the globe over of people without kids creating an awesome legacy in the world, beyond just that of passing on their genes. Wherever they are, and how visible or not, please do join me today in sending them a little acknowledgement and thanks for all that they do in the world too, in countless little and big ways in which they do it. P.P.S. If you’d like to celebrate and discuss the achievements of these and other awesome Women and people of all genders and walks of life without kids, talk self care practices that help us be our best selves and connect with some other awesome Women who are working on thriving and creating their legacy in life without kids due to choice or circumstance, feel free to join us this Saturday 12th March 1:30pm Sydney/Melbourne AEDT for our next WELCOME Women’s Virtual Gathering. More info and register below: References:
Image credits to Wikipedia [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oprah_Winfrey [2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellen_DeGeneres [3] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bell_hooks [4] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shabana_Azmi [5] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatema_Mernissi [6] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frida_Kahlo [7] https://www.respectability.org/2019/03/women-disabilities-frida-kahlo/ [8] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amelia_Earhart What we saw on the surface last year in almost all relationships in life, personal and professional, was a whole lot of conflict and tension over differing viewpoints about needs and what should be done in the world. Social media became even more of the messy, dirty, overused, under-maintenanced public toilet than it already was for projection of heated opinions, as people actively, often spontaneously discharged their tensions on one another, over their differing opinions on what was the best course of action.
But the real problem/s underlying this often had little do with what was actually being said in the moment to the other person. That one thing may have, in some instances, been the straw that broke the camel’s back, that lead to the discharge of 10+ years of pent up tension release over issues people had been holding in and NOT saying for that whole time, about what about the other had hurt or offended them prior. But much of the underlying problem under all of this, beyond skill in being able to articulate where you’re at and what you need, and negotiate for mutually beneficial outcomes, with kindness, compassion, maturity and respect, is actually our capacity to feel safe in the world. And safe from the inside out, without needing anybody out there in the world to do anything, or change anything that THEY are doing, or remove something, in order for us to feel safe. The perception of safety is an inside job. While many will try and influence our thinking, nobody else can actually choose to think the thoughts we think for us, that lead to us perceiving a certain situation in any given way. Let alone as threatening or not. Just as nobody else can react or respond to the incoming sensory data we receive about the world on our behalf. It is WE who have the ultimate mental/free will power to regulate both our instinctive AND consciously chosen responses. Thus, there is a skill in itself to HOW we navigate the kind of stressful and challenging external situations that we can’t change much about. Think firefighters or ambos going into crisis situations and the measures they take to stay calm and in control. As well as the Wim Hof’s, free-divers or spiritual gurus of the world in meditation, all of whom have learned how to consciously regulate things like their body temperature, respiration rate, level of nervous system arousal or brain wave patterns, even immune responses, with conscious intent. With training and practice, I believe we are all capable of this same level of mental and physical self management. But for the large part, nobody has taught many of us either HOW to create an internal sense of safety, without needing to turn to a parent figure, a partner, an authority figure, a mentor or teacher, or point a finger at what the government needs to do; or change in the outside world, so that we can “stay safe.“ I suspect that this year will be a breakdown and breakthrough point for many of realising that NO amount of demanding someone else, friend, work colleague, family member, the public or the government or your employer, the neighbour, that person at the mall or teenager on the bus, is ultimately going to change the amount of fear and anxiety that STILL persist in our heads AFTER someone on the outside takes action to control, block, reprimand, or remove, add something. So as I kept working on what to include in the Say It Like It Is But Please Be Kind book and program content, as part of an answer to the last years communicating and relating problems, it quickly occurred to me just how much all of us working on helping people with improving communication in workplace and personal settings, can teach us all kind communication skills til we’ve taught the whole world. And it can STILL come undone, if we don’t address the deeper underlying problem that many are facing in the world right now, of “how do I create an internal sense of safety, and more effectively deal with my own stuff, in the face of external threats and challenges, in order to 1) create better communication outcomes 2) improve the quality of our relationships and 3) safe guard and nurture their longevity of our most important personal AND professional connections? How we go about creating an inner sense of safety is both incredibly simple and extensively complex, depending on any given person’s sense of safety. There are 8 things we can all universally do very quickly and easily to shift our mental and physical state in as little as 30 seconds, to 30 minutes. But then, depending on each person’s unique history and circumstance, any given “how to create internal safety” plan for each individual, and the particular strategies, tools and techniques one could draw upon to shift their state and create more internal safety, needs to be uniquely tailored to each individual, to better address the deeper reasons why they really feel anxious or fearful in the first place. And what’s really up with that. In addition to being part of the answer to solving our bigger picture communication problems, for the Leaders and Speakers in my online groups, (thank you for your recent survey responses of late RE content for this year, very much appreciated), this also has a massive benefit for the quality of both our ability to show up in our unique presence as Leaders, our ability to be present and available in one on one communication AND our capacity to show up fully as the best versions of ourselves and bring the most of ourselves in service to our group meetings and speaking engagements. I’d be talking about creating internal safety, dealing with our stuff, and heart centred communication in a little more depth in 2 programs, some webinars/lives and a book this year. In the interim, if you’d like to chat further about what practices, tools, techniques and strategies you can employ as a part of your own “safety is an inside job” plan, you’re most welcome to book in with me here. Have a wonderful week. Have fun, take care. Nat xx It’s been a BIG year of (often highly charged conversations) focusing on what set many of us APART. So whether you’re thinking about how to bring a team closer together through or post WFH/lockdown, or how to bring a little more harmony to connections in general over the holiday season, I thought this week we’d do 7 ways to help close the gap and build greater connection through communication. Which, building upon last week, is 7 ways to improve the quality of our engagement and show that we're invested in building the connection. 1. Active listening: To listen and take an active interest in what is going on in people’s lives is one of the simplest ways to show that you care and are interested to know more about the other. What is active listening? It is the practice of bringing as much of your attention as you can to observing what verbal and non-verbal messages are being communicated to us by another, and then providing a short feedback summary to the person speaking, for the sake of clarifying that you’ve accurately interpreted what they were meaning to say and are both on the same page. The whole idea though is that we spend more of our time focusing on and listening to the other, rather than talking about ourselves or preparing for our next opportunity to talk. Whether we've been taught the technical term and process, i think, mostly, we know this. But when things get busy, life happens, or we need things done now, are we still making time to do it is a valid question? Investing our presence is foundational in encouraging engagement and closing the gaps of either unfamiliarity, or much time apart. 2. Ask more questions than we’re waiting for the opportunity to answer To aid in our attempt to spend more time listening and information gathering, as well as to expand conversational possibilities, it also helps to ask more questions. And ask open questions at that. Ones that start with a "WHAT, WHERE, HOW WHEN, WHICH or WHO" and thus lead to a more extensive answer than just a single word response, like a yes or no. These open up all manner of conversational possibilities. Keeping the focus on them, and being genuinely curious to know more about them, while actively listening to their answers, also suggests that you’re genuinely interested or invested, when you want someone to know that you care. 3. Notice what lights them up, what they like and what is really important to them Which you can then focus those above questions on further exploring in the here and now. Or then bring it up as a conversation starter at a later date. But either way, the basic premise of building rapport, interesting conversations and future engagement, is to follow the love. And start first with what they love. If you know that you’re going to see them again but you're worried you'll forget the fine details, no stress. This is where you could use some form of note taking app/system (and or CRM program) to your advantage. Stick or record a short note in a notes app or diary, and then transfer, or have someone transfer it for you to their last touchpoint or notes in the CRM. So that you can come back to it for reference sake at a later date. For them, the bigger point is that we actually took the time to take note of what really matters most to them. In a world that is overly busy and time poor, taking the time to take note shows that you care and are invested, which is hugely impactful on its own in creating rapport and creating comfort for them to open up more in future. 4. Look for the things that you have in common and focus this or future conversations on those One of the easiest things to drill further into, in the quest of building, or rebuilding rapport, is to ask questions about some of the things that you too are passionate about or interested in. If you’re struggling to find something, you can create a common interest or goal. Like, for example, suppose you both worked out that you’ve been getting slack on your gym routine or a daily walk. Or one of you just read about some new out-of-the-box hobby. Or there is a new book or podcast coming out, or an upcoming professional event or training related to something you’re both trying to achieve. Whatever it is, you can then use whatever it as a perfectly valid reason to touch base in future. (& indirectly, provide a sign of encouragement that you want there to BE a future.) 5. Give them a sincere compliment about something about them that you uncover that you admire I keep saying it over and over because it is something that we both fear to do, for fear of being rejected in revealing the vulnerability of our true feelings and, at other times, might struggle to actually receive it ourselves for any number of reasons. BUT a reminder, there is research on what makes us perceive someone as likeable that shows that the people who are viewed as the most popular and likeable, are actually the people who are the best at seeing the good in others and verbally expressing it openly to the people they encounter. In the game of social reciprocity, leading with compliment love, tends to also lead to people endeavouring to return the favour. Not to mention, feeling safe to come closer and engage more. 6. Ask a question that elevates them As an alternative to directly giving them a compliment, we could also ask them a question that gives them a chance to talk up something that they view as a past achievement. And then feel free to affirm/encourage/congratulate/admire/be impressed by their answer. By way of us having a positive response, and showing oneself to be an encourager, an uplifter and someone who is not threatened or intimidated by, but able to find happiness in the wins of others, this subtly affirms that the other party are safe to let their guard down and be themselves around us. 7. Own your B.S. Have you noticed how the pandemic, at first, brought out the best in many people, but then, as the stress levels and demands rose and tolerance levels dropped, brought out the worst at others? Hurling your sh#t at others as a coping mechanism, I think, has become WAY too permissible this year. So, one of the best ways we can recreate a sense of interpersonal safety, and show them that it’s safe to connect from minute 1 of engagement/re-engagement, is to show others that we’re capable of self reflection, owning our own B.S. and processing it in healthy ways. Especially as Managers and Leaders, it's important that we lead by example in modelling HOW to deal with our stuff in healthy ways. Maybe by way of speaking up when we realise we messed up. Maybe by apologising in a moment where we offended or dropped the ball. Maybe by way of thanking people for being patient with us or a situation. Maybe by way of just naming the beast and affirming that you want to create a space that’s free of [insert undesirable behaviour] and values [insert relevant values or qualities]. However we do it, this builds trust and confidence in that it is safe to engage and invest further in our space and this connection. All of these are practical ways we can build upon what we were talking about last week in being intentional about what we’re bringing to the space. Of being mindful of what energy we bring to the connection and how we would ideally want someone to feel after spending time with us. It’s a been a big year for needing to process some big emotions and responses and needing to find healthy ways to do that. But it’s also about being mindful of what percentage of our time we spend taking energy from others by asking the focus to be on our needs, verses what percentage of time we spend asking "how can I take an interest in, or give something to the other person here?" With the right people, who are genuinely interested in building something together with us, so much of this is also about leading with your own investment, and then matching the other person's investment back with more investment. As dating Coach Matthew Hussey once put it, a bit like connection building tennis. While so much of this is about serving them something that they can return back, to close the gap and keep the interaction going, requires that we not miss it and stay present when they return. And stay present and keep going for the rally. In engagement tennis, if you start going for the solo win and ace one down the back left corner, or they to you, actually you lose a point, not gain one. Because ongoing engagement is all about the quality rally; the mutual win and progress. Master the rally and then make it interesting. Make sense? Thanks so much for taking the time to read these this year. It's much appreciated. And here's hoping you have a happy, safe, fun and restful holiday break. Until next time.... Nat xx P.S. What's on in 2022: If you would like to create more balance in living your leadership purpose, bring forward more of your unique leadership presence AND master the art of heart centred, authentic communication, so that you can succeed in making a greater positive impact through your work, dramatically improve the quality of connection and engagement with others, and create a working life they truly love, you might like to check out our new programs for early 2022:
Questions? Book a FREE 30 min Let’s Talk Leadership Strategy Session below:
When it comes to connecting with others and projecting an energy that makes them feel safe, welcome and sincerely excited to be around us, the intentions we hold and thoughts we are thinking about people matter way more than we might think. When someone thinks the world of us and is beaming love and gratitude about us, at us, we feel it. Just as we can feel it when someone is looking right at us, but using the masterful, biological supercomputer between their ears to judge us, to try and process how they are triggered by us, to put us in a mental box based on what they know about the world, or to look for faults in our physical appearance, as much as physical features to compliment. Or dare I say it, in terms of our secret inner biochemistry, get a hit of dopamine or oxytocin off, or not. Which is why the thoughts that we think about others and the energy that we send in their direction is so important when it comes to relating well with others. If we are to be relatable, likeable and influential leaders and communicators, around whom others feel safe, retraining ourselves to look and feel for what we love about people and appreciate what makes them unique is such an important skill to master. It makes a huge difference between us becoming someone at work and in life that people feel comfortable to approach and want to spend a whole lot of time around, and happily work with and for. Or us becoming someone that, they can’t quite put their finger on why, but they just feel like sh#t when they’re around us and might start feeling like they need to manage how much time they spend with us. The importance of taking the time to feel and see the inner beauty and uniqueness of what makes someone truly unique on the inside, as opposed to just the outside, was imprinted upon me very young. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day my Mum died. One of the memories that often sticks with me from that day, was the moment that we arrived to be standing or sitting at the end of her hospital bed, 5 minutes after she had just passed. One of the things that absolutely struck me in that moment was that, for how incredibly, advanced, intricate and beautiful this biological machine is that we call a body, suddenly it seems “screen door in a submarine” level redundant when you realise, in the total absence of this person you loved so much's energy, and their essence any longer lighting up their body in that moment, that it's not the vessel at all that you loved and were so attached to. It was the beauty and magnificence, and the thousands of unique intricacies and qualities of the consciousness, the presence, the personality that was them, lighting it up from the inside, that really mattered. That we were truly connected to and truly loved. And from that moment onwards, when it came to relating with others, I became far less interested in people’s physical appearances and the intricacies of daily dramas and trivialities, and made it one of my missions (i don't always win) to always do my best to look and feel for who was on the inside. (That, and to try and make the most of each and every opportunity I have with someone, to appreciate the preciousness of that unique moment in time and show up fully for it. Knowing that, at any given moment, for any number of reasons, that person in front of you, might, one day, never be there again. And you might never get another chance.) So how can we do our best to get over our human “stuff” and show up for those moments? I was watching an Eckhart Tolle interview on Youtube last week, in which he mentioned the analogy of how, from the moment you teach a child that a bird is a bird, the child stops seeing the bird. In other words, up until that moment, the child was experiencing the bird live in real-time in the moment. Feeling, seeing, hearing, experiencing the bird as it actually is, and drawing conclusions for themselves. But, the moment you implant a mental construct of what a bird is into their consciousness as learning, they stop experiencing the bird live, and start projecting onto the bird, a construct of who and what the bird is. Instead of experiencing and connecting with the bird itself, live in the moment. This is a shame, because then we stop really connecting with the actual bird, and start engaging instead with, almost like a holographic image that the movie projectors in our eyes, projected onto the space about 1cm directly in front of the bird. That obscures us from seeing the real bird. Which, If we’re not careful, we can then mistake as the bird, and then start spending our lives engaging with and conversing with the projection image in front of the bird. Instead of with the bird. How often in life do you think we are also doing this with other people? With what we’ve learned about who they are and how they work, instead of looking and feeling for who they actually really ARE, live in the moment, 1cm behind our projection? How often are we really looking for and relating with the real THEM, as opposed to having a conversation and playing out our “stuff” with the projection we lay in front of them, instead of relating with who they actually are? Is it just me, or when you realise that this is what we might often be doing, does it suddenly seem a bit “nuts” to be spending our time relating with "fake them?" While, meanwhile, the whole time the actual person is waiting RIGHT THERE for us to show up and engage with actual THEM? If we want to be better leaders, better partners, better friends, better students, teachers, employers, employees, be better at what we DO, maybe we need to stop “projaculating” our mental projections all over them. And start seeing, feeling for, and engaging with who they really ARE, live in the moment. THAT is where the gold of engagement and true connection lies. And it’s not some form of “toxic positivity” to look for the love and cultivate appreciation in the process, for ALL that they are. I think it’s reconnecting with the highest, soulful potential of who we really are and what we are really capable of, when we relate from that place of authenticity, in the NOW. And the benefits and flow-on effects of us doing so, are vast. Until next time…. xx Nat |
WriterActress, Artist, Singer, Coach, Facilitator, Speaker, Writer Nat Ferrier talks about self expression, Women’s Leadership Mindset & communicating with greater confidence, presence & psychological safety. Archives
March 2024
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