In my last vlog, talking about the value of Art, Drama and Storytelling for our Mental Health, personal development and wellbeing. Looking at some of the consumer commentary on socials, and reviews, especially by young people, talking about the value they’d received out of seeing similarly aged characters struggling with and navigating issues just like the ones they are going through, and how much these showed helped them contextualise and cope, I couldn’t help but further double down on that there is ample evidence that the consumer market perspective backs my Creator perspective on that. But then and after also reading a lot of recent comments written on SAG AFTRA strike posts, I started reflecting more upon the ways in which we seem also, to be increasingly devaluing creatives and creativity…and the worthiness of Artists/Creatives, Creators and Educators being fairly compensated for their contributions to society. Because simultaneously that seems to be going on more and more too. So I found myself wondering too, how we might turn this around…. Streaming and Studio Execs have got to be in touch with the values of their target markets I wrote an email to multiple of the streaming companies I pay for this week, prompted by one of them notifying its customers about an upcoming price rise for the service. As the emails about it mainly focused on improving customer experience, I emailed to ask for further clarification on whether this was in any way also prompted by the recent concerns being raised by writers and actors about fair compensation for residuals for their content appearing over time on streaming platforms. And if they’d yet written a formal statement on this that I could reference? But then I also thought it was needed to make a point that I think is very relevant also for getting their markets on board with the price rise, in terms of research I’d done pre pandemic, about what drives the leadership and purchasing decisions of the younger generations, who collectively make up the large majority of their target. In addition to what I mentioned above about the younger generations absolutely identifying value not just in entertainment, but in content that they find relatable in terms of their current circumstances, challenges, growth and mental health, then there’s where they invest their money, based on their ethics. Through some research I did for Leadership articles and training material pre lockdown, I was reading a lot of research on how now more than ever, equality, ethics and sustainability are also primary driving factors in the purchasing decisions of the majority of the younger generations. And at least prior to the pandemic, research stated that the majority of the younger working generations were willing to pay a little extra, for the services of companies that have a clear position statement on and are taking a stand around ethical considerations they deem essential. Thus I would suggest that a lot of ground could be gained with their prime target market by taking a clear position of fair compensation of all involved in the creation, production, distribution, employment and the consumer chain of supply of streaming content. Not just on quality of user experience, or variety of content alone as a concern that needs addressing. One that the majority (we’re talking upwards of 70% of Gen Z’s and around 65% of Millennials and over 55% of Gen X’s alone in some studies) not just Actors and Writers, may well, statistically be on board with, if it helped ensure that creatives who are their friends and people they admire, are getting paid fairly. From a business standpoint, knowing what your market values is just smart business. BUT that being said, for that to work, I think we also need to clear up some confusion about what life is really like for the average Actress/Actor or Creative type, so that some people can better understand what getting paid fairly actually really looks like for those appearing in their content. Who might not actually be getting paid as much as some of you might think they are. Lets clear up a huge misconception about how financial life really is for many Creatives Watching the comment threads that have gone along with many of the SAG AFTRA strike related posts on IG, I can’t help but admit the one of my deep concerns in reading the comments, relates to a misconception that all Actors/Actresses and Creatives are rolling in fame and mega millions, or, at least salaries that FAR exceed their own and afford them a massively abundant lifestyle. Hence, there’s a hostility, a resentment and perceived inequality being projected there often in the comments, that Actresses, Actors, Writers, Creatives don’t deserve a thing more than they get, given that they’re already so privileged and “have it way better off.” Unfortunately, mega million dollar influencer lifestyle is not how life really is though for a lot of Actors/Actresses and Creatives, “IRL” What do I mean? According to Indeed and Payscale, the average person is appearing in Australian film and TV for an average hourly rate that is about the same hourly amount as a casual retail or hospitality worker or office receptionist or administrator might make per hour, depending on their age and level of experience. In other words, somewhere between $23-35 per hour. Especially if you’re doing background stuff. And that’s often part time, for the one day a week, or 2-4 days of consecutive weeks that they spend on set as a part of maybe 1-3 or 6 months spent here and there on filming tv and film projects. There are examples of US Actors and Actresses that have talked publicly about the fact that they got mega global exposure for working on a hit tv show you’d know well. But once it finished, they were back to working as a Janitor to pay the bills. Because mega exposure does NOT automatically equate to mega income, UNTIL (just as with start-up Entrepreneurial pursuits) you learn HOW to leverage that exposure too financially. And even though doing Ads might pay well, there are often contract conditions WITH those ads that you are locked to that one Company, and or maybe Industry, for anywhere from 3-10 years, for a one-off payment of 5-20K. Which, when you consider that WHOLE 3-10 year salary period you need to cover, might suddenly seem like not such a great idea after all, compared to those million dollar Celebrity brand deals they talked about in Jerry Macguire? Also, just so we’re clear, a whole bunch of community theatre, ISN’T necessarily a paid job for the people in it either. Just as I found to be the case for Solo Entrepreneurs, if you get to be more established and start pulling between $46-$56 per hour, or (according to ERI and Salary Explorer) an average of 58K-173K per year, it’s pretty miraculous. So much so that I’m pretty sure, in some other dimension somewhere, Ancestors, Angels (or maybe multidimensional Aliens) all start singing when any one of us actually does. But for over 90% of the profession, it is absolutely NOT the case for the majority of working Actors and Actresses that they’re rolling in some miraculously wealthy lifestyle that far exceeds YOUR salary. The reality often has been that most Creatives are not employed creatively 100% of the time, in any one of them. Which was why, when i first studied Contemporary Arts Drama at Uni at 18/19, one of the big selling points of this course was their multi-modality Career approach they were teaching to Creatives, to ensure that you built your paid professional skills across a range of different creative media, so that you’d have a greater chance of being consistently paid more for any one of your talents, at any given time. So long story short, many Actors and Creatives often need other jobs and businesses to supplement their creative income. And this is why many creatives, including myself might also be working on entrepreneurial and or other residual or “ever-green” sources of passive income as well. This is not a complaint, it’s simply intended as education on how it really is. You won’t always hear about the reality of this though, for a couple of reasons. A) Contracts requiring confidentiality. Legally, we often can’t talk with you about projects, and our real deeper motives and making a difference intents behind pursuing them, until those projects go live. Because contracts. And b) because for a long time, there was a huge degree of shame held BY successful Actors who’d had exposure, about admitting the reality that they’re not working 100% of the time creatively, and admitting that they were also employed elsewhere, or have a side Training company, or other things that they do in between. I hope in this day and age, we see that as less a sign of failure and more the lens of the paradigm of multi faceted career paths being an actual thing. So please, if you know anyone who is hating on ALL Actors/Actresses and Creatives because they think they have it so much better than they do, with their fame and fortune, please educate them on how it really is. More than that, the average Actor or Actress LOVES the opportunity to work on projects that speak to important issues and allow them to make a positive impact; that’s one of their love languages of giving. And if someone doesn’t think entertainment and comedy makes a positive impact, remind them of the likes of the impact of Monte Python over the years (I say after working one of John Cleese’s Sydney shows last night), or Aretha Franklin or Bob Marley or Queen. It’s an Art and a Science to be that good at your craft. That deserves to be respected and valued I reckon? Business and Corporate entities slowly divorcing Creative Content from the Human Face of the Artists behind it over time Have you noticed too that, financial crisis or no, there is a growing trend here that Corporate entities are progressively not just undercutting price wise the value of creative works for mass use. But also dissociating the consumer markets more and more, from the work AND any link with the Creative Artist who produced it, in the quest for instant availability of work, affordability and convenience? Especially for the realms of the Visual Arts and Music. We live in a time now where, instead of commissioning or buying an original painting or photograph anymore, many people take the convenience short cut now when it comes to visual art, of buying some cheap artistic print for $3-30 off Canva, Etsy, Amazon or any number of other platforms, rather than paying, say, plus or minus of $1500 for the original (and no i'm clearly not talking about the Glass Onion'ers who can afford the original Mona Lisa here.) The same with getting free royally free images, or an unlimited number of photographic images, graphics or templates for $17.99 per month, as opposed to paying a Photographer friend $750 - $1500 to do the same set of shots? Or someone to design the graphic or template? Most of these give you no informational AT ALL though, on who the photographer was who drew, painted or photographed the work? Which suddenly made it REALLY easy for us to start mass DEVALUEing their work, didn’t it? And live with ourselves, paying almost nothing for it, if we coudn’t actually see any human face that’s negatively impacted by our “cost cutting”, in doing so? Conversely, while royalty free music download platforms DO give you a reference to who the artist is who created it, that you’re paying for or downloading for free, the work of, and music streaming platforms and channels also list the artist/s clearly, now with automatically generated playlists and subscriptions, rather than directly having to choose and pay for a track or album, as on iTunes, or in the music stores of old, or the radio broadcasts of old, now you can have listened to 40 different artists in a couple of hours, without having a single clue who they are, or what their background is. The possibility of identification is there, BUT it’s getting easier to access music as art, WITHOUT having take any notice of it, or pay any recognition, to the Musical Artists behind it? And that I think is concerning, that music is losing a live, human face, too while slowly disappearing into the depths of the information in the World Wide Web? Also now, en masse, Authors and Writers of all kinds, Thought Leaders, Academics; both the Tertiary Institutions, Journals, the Mindvalleys and the start up Vloggers alike, YouTubers and TikTokker’s and Sole Traders equally, are in the process of getting their content, by traditional legal definitions on the subject, stolen likely under some fair use loop hole clause, and all attachment to them as the Creator slowly REMOVED, as various A.I apps and platforms, start referencing the global database of information available on the World Wide Web, to provide YOU a “convenient, done-for-you” version of…well, almost anything you like?!
Minus the porn maybe, so many of these possibilities are being marketed as wonderful tools of convenience that will make your life so much easier and save you so much time, so that you can prioritise doing more of the things that really matter, personally and professionally. They’re being met with curiosity and fascination at what these programs can do. And to be clear, I am not saying for one second that I DON’T think that A.I. can make life better and easier in many ways and that it shouldn't be a part of the future. I reckon it should. But I’ve got to ask, who is stopping to ask a few fundamental, moral compass questions about it, like:
Sometimes, progressively more so in an increasingly Entrepreneurial world, where there is far less centralised regulation, or agreed-upon minimum award conditions of compensation (at least in the highly non regulated Coaching Industry as one such past example,) the Leaders don’t seem to come even remotely close in moments to adequately foreseeing, or taking the time to think through the impact that their well-meaning pursuits and decisions, will also have for the entire industry down the line. For example, several years back, a whole bunch of 7 figure business earners got together and decided it would be a really great move on their part to both a) start giving away all the best I.P. for free (and then just charge for experiences in the room) and b) to start offering initial consults, totally for free, while moving to a model of selling whole programs, not sessions, or blocks of sessions. That’s all very well, at their level of business revenue, they could afford to absorb the cost of that. But that one decision of theirs, cost the average Counsellor, Coach or Alternative or Allied Health Practitioners earning on average only 44-55K per year, in comparison, a drop in annual revenue of 1-10K in initial consult fees, while opening up a loop hole that left all Coaches, whether start-up, or 6 year Tertiary qualified and a decade well established, vulnerable to getting pumped by some clients in that one free session, for everything they had, without the client having any intention of ever buying them. As opposed to holding to the industry standard condition that GP's, Specialists, Accountants or Lawyers, or people on salaries do as default for example, that every billable hour of their time and expertise delivered, deserves to be compensated at a specific rate or fee. That one change that "the little guy" couldn't afford, put a heap of start up Coaches and Practitioners, back in part time jobs to cover the added expense of the free session time they were now too expected to offer. And that's just one example. My point: every decision some multiple 7-8 figure business earner, Leader of an Industry makes in terms of lowering prices, or cutting costs somewhere, can have massive, massive ripple effects for the people at the bottom end of the market. And we should never forget that. Some might well go, “well that’s Capitalism, and you live on a Capitalist planet, so just deal with it already.” I might reply, "yeah we do, but why does that Capitalism have to be so zero-sum? And since when does Human Leadership come with zero responsibility for the impacts of what we create?" Here is the thing. I am the first to admit that I have had my share of failures in sustainably running a business, for fairly consistently ending up running a for-profit business like a charity; underpaying myself a salary, while prioritising still showing up for my clients in need, who used those free sessions when they were struggling to pay and making sure all my service providers still got paid fairly for as long as i could sustain. At the other end of the scale, you have the Execs of Disney or Tech Companies, complaining about business costs and salary increases they can't meet, while refusing to give themselves pay cuts and continuing to fly around in private jets. While others play in one of the biggest, mostly masculine lead, corporate tech business pissing contests of all time, trying to outcompete each other on AI, with seemingly not nearly enough f@#$s given to the consequences pending to humanity, and how many of us they'll financially undercut in the process. Somewhere between them, and those like me, with our "nightmare" excessive concern with ethics and operating with a moral compass, is an ethical, sustainable model of business. Most of my successes i HAVE had in business, and the moments I won awards for, came in working FOR others. But I have never once bought into the dog-eat-dog, zero-sum notion of business on this planet as being necessary, EVER, in order to achieve them. And I still don’t. The successes I’ve had in this lifetime, the awards I’ve won, the impacts i've made, the times I’ve spent on State, National and International Sales Leader boards, every single one of them was had, giving consideration to how I could best be of service with maximum care and authenticity, as a part of a collaborative team effort, where we challenged each other to be our best, and where (as best we could) nobody got left behind when they fell down. While operating at all times with the intent of operating in alignment with the highest good of all involved along the way, and NEVER forgetting to consider what the responsibility truly means to try and be an industry leader in the process. When I combined it with other people’s complimentary business abilities and smarts, so long as we were on the same page about our vision, values and service goals, what do you know, it works! I get it though. I know it’s also easy to fall into fear and starting to close in, in self protecting and hoarding one’s assets and trying to cut unnecessary expenses when times get tight. And the first to go are often those things and people that we DON’T think serve us. I would just ask the whole world to really, deeply consider right now, what value that Creatives, Content Creators, Artists, Actresses/Actors, Musicians, Writers and Thought Leaders, truly bring to the world, before considering cutting them any further out of your expense list. If anything, this is the time to invest IN them more and show your support. After all, without creatives, art, music, stories, entertainment, colour and content, try imagining how the world would be for a moment? And how bland, soundless, colourless, heavily medicated and depressing living in that world might be? Better yet, why not ask A.I. to generate some images, or write a story, SHOWING and TELING you what a reality without human or A.I generated creative expression, art, music, story, education or entertainment, would look like? ***END RANT*** Until next time…. NatIn this podcast length Vlog, I share some thoughts i had this week on why, regardless of how AI involves, it’s so important that we continue to nurture and value the irreplaceable value of the creative, performing arts and writing industries and the creators within them. Nat FerrierThis week, after recently considering an edit on one of the parts of my book that talks about the importance of forgiveness and apology in the process of creating trust and psychological safety, I found myself re-pondering love and what it really takes to get out of conditionality and openly heartedly love with the brightness of a supernova, without condition or apology? One of the things that I often get asked about in recent times is why I’m not leaning into and trying harder when it comes to dating. Sometimes that comes out like “I don’t get it, why the hell are you single?” And other times it comes out in what feels like a sort of backhanded compliment, aimed at my “Sagittarianess” ; “I love about you that you’ve made a life of just going after what you love and doing what you want, when you want.” It’s true, and yet I feel a bit unseen every time its come out of someones mouth. Because, in truth, I tend to love with my heart on my sleeve and I’ve rarely gone anywhere that the pursuit of love (personal, or professional, or both at the same time) and loving service wasn’t my primary agenda. And my goal was never just to follow that love for just it’s one hot minute. The questions on my mind were always very “Venue in Capricorn”, does this have the longevity to last a lifetime, because, if they can meet me back with equal intensity and interest, I will love them for an eternity and then some and I'll build it for as long as that. How do i best help them grow, meet their goals AND nurture the quality of this connection, for the long term? Funny, the matter is so close to home, i just wrote 69 000 words on the subject...and how we communicate in order to achieve that. Experience too is a big part of why I don’t put much stock in Western Astrology as an absolute. Many of the allegedly compatible business loves of my life prior, who were a couple of Aries’, Virgos, a Taurian and an Aqaurian and Leo or two. And by all Western Astrological compatibility, we SHOULD have been able to smash it out of the park. And yet, on some level, each of those ended up being about the resolution of karmic patterns and got stuck in the depths of conditionality, on the way to everybody wanting the above goals... but also the realisation on both sides of needing it from something or someone else, or “more?” While some of the actual longest business AND romantic longest loves of my life, were all with watersigns eg Cancerians, Pisces and Scorpios. With whom I somehow felt met and matched back with an equal level of intensity and depth, along with a lot of healing on both sides. And yet other of my friends are none of those. Either my birth date is off, or so much for Western Astrology in my head. I'd rather look at the whole person than try and cage everyone i know in the confines of another archetypal box. The honest answer to the initial questions, of why do I keep pulling back from dating, if you want me to be completely honest though, sounds a bit like this: I know exactly what it is that I want. I’ve known for a long time what it is that I want. I very succinctly summed it up again recently for a dating app a week ago. And it reads a whole lot like being with someone who’s equal parts creative and entrepreneurial, who’s also super into making a positive impact, who loves and loves people with an equal depth and intensity, and will happily travel the world WITH me, being a BFF, wing person, partner in crime…sorry, fun, the pursuit of laughter, happiness and no doubt excellence, who loves with equal intensity and is a friend for life, who's in for both the moments on the bus, as well as the ones in the limousine. BUT, in the sense of which Tony Robbins once spoke of building up and unleashing the best version of you, in order to be ready to meet and match that vision of love that it is that you want, if I'm to be truly honest, I still feeling like I’m growing to meet it. After the last few years, of going financially backwards, before again going forwards, if I was to meet that person right now, who’s more established and financially ahead of where I’m now at, overseas, or locally, and I had to meet and match them on effort of being able to just jump on a plane whenever and wherever I wanted to, to go meet them there, I can’t yet keep up, or match them on the quality of equality that exists within that partnership. And given that I’m otherwise content on my own 2 feet, kicking goals and living a life I really DO love, I really feel no desire or need, to just dive into any and every one hot minute of passion, or possibility, driven by the part of me that, like Val in Workin’ Mum on Mushrooms, on Mushrooms, might also well end up running around thinking she’s a reptile and dry-humping a tree coz “it's been a while.” You wanted a REAL answer? Well there is one that might not be great for PR, but will save some of us a thousand wasted hours on and off various dating apps. But that’s not the primary point of this blog. The point is about what it takes to get back to a place of loving like an open-hearted supernova again, heart on your sleeve, without condition. I get it, I know after a certain point, it gets hard. I got an accidental email from one of those above people this week, and as I thought of them, and thought of how they once spoke of the way they experienced me with an open heart (and felt when I’d closed it in pain) and me them, I imagined if I saw them in the street tomorrow, that I would give them the biggest of hugs, kiss them on the cheek with every bit of the love that I feel for them and I think they deserve, and tell them that I don’t know why it is that we can never seem to work our shit out, but i will love them with all my heart for an eternity and then some all the same. Actually with many of my past loves I feel that way. A couple of other ones, I’m not quite there yet. I’m trying, I ’m owning my projections and confusions and missteps and value clashes as I see them. But I’m still caught in the shock and confusion of “what the hell even really was that?” and conditionality. With them, while I’d want to make a line straight for them, If I saw THEM on the street, I’d still get caught in “is it wanted?” “Are they going to acknowledge me first?” “F@#% this, I deserve better than this confusing headf#cking, grey-rocking bullsh*t!” and I KNOW I’d likely find myself speeding UP still in the opposite direction, unless they, or my higher self, give me a sign to respond otherwise. Not my finest moment of “unconditionality.” Or leading by example in living into the Stage 6 Aspirational Quintessent Phase I talk about in my book, of owning the truth heart-centred power in our voices, and in life at that. Or receiving the divine support and healing I’m calling in. I get it, it’s NOT easy, to NOT get caught in the “humanness” of it all. And yet I think it is terribly needed to do whatever we need to, to heal enough, to be able to get back to the former street side example. Because the truth is, I WILL, regardless of whether it’s wanted or not, be grateful for the journey that we had together, for all the gifts that they imparted to me, and all the inspiration and insight that was imparted along the way, as well as for the growth, I WILL love them too, forever and for an eternity, for as long as I have known them and will know them as souls, through all directions of time and space. It would be a terrible loss to forget that. And I wish I COULD give them that hug, minus all the bullshit, given all of that. On some level, for all of us, for all the great loves, personal and professional that came before, whether we can yet see it yet or not, I think this is largely true for all of us, actually. That we are all capable of loving and forgiving in similar fashion. But the question is, when we feel hurt, or like we or they, or both, messed it up, what will it take for each of us to get back to that place, of loving with open-hearted, heart-on-your-sleeve level unconditionality? To have made peace with and let go of what learnings came to be, no matter how intense they were, and to be able to lean back into the intensity of the love we once had for them and their happiness, continuing growth and success, without condition? No one, and know great Guru is just going to hand it to us, and we’re not just going to magically wake up with it, after someone magically just gave us a magic pill, or waved a wand and took it away. Forgiveness, I think, is a choice we make, to reach for a higher place again, than the bottom of the hole we think we’d stumbled into. To pursue the actions, that help us heal and lead us to higher thought processes about those people for which we have inner conflict and pain. That lead us back to the pursuit of the great love that still exists in the world, to love and to be open to be being met with equal intensity. But to get there, we also have to stop loving with such much condition and expectation of getting in the first place. It is the unmet expectation and constant score card keeping and checking, in which so much of the pain and disappointment lies. To love for the sake of loving. To take joy in other’s happiness and victories for the sake of loving seeing them happy. To feel love and fulfilment in the acts of giving and kindness. Those are great places to start, if one wants to get back to living with a fully open heart. Until next time…. Nat xxHave you ever backed away from something you really wanted to do in life out of fear? The voice of fear I’ve found, has a way at times of sounding remarkably convincing, based on its detailed, well thought out, evidence-based logic. It really does in moments, sound like a close friend, trying to do what’s best for us in having our back. And yet, if you look a little deeper, it’s motivations are all, in some way, based in fear. In hypothetical “what if’s” and worst case scenarios. With frequent omissions of the possibility of great joy, success, or growth also resulting from taking that course of action. It can be easy to fall for its often false evidence appearing real. Because sometimes the evidence is actually startlingly similar to and well based in fact. No matter what career I’ve been in, I’ve spent a lot of time talking with people about how we overcome the fears that hold us back. But the illusion is often that I’m somehow immune to, or have found a way to eliminate fear. But I’ve never done or gone after many of the things I love the most in the absence of fear. With some of the “bigger” opportunities, they key was often speed of execution. As one of my Mentors past used to say, taking action faster than the speed of disbelief. At other times, like the time I met Leon Nacson, or the time i was speaking in a NIDA Speaking Training, as a staff member OF NIDA, my heart was thumping out of my chest. At others, like some of the times my Business or Speaking Mentors, (to give you some context to those of you who don't yet know me that well, some of whom just happened to also be the kinds of people who've spoken on stage with the likes of Tony Robbins, or Richard Branson) I straight up felt like I was going to black out if I didn’t get up and move, or break eye contact. And in fact, one of the reasons I took a diversion from doing some of the paid creative and performing arts things I love at 19 was precisely because of the calm, logical sounding voice of fear. After I’d been through some pretty major stuff AND got a taste of the early effects of that era of the objectification of Actresses and the dark side of monentarily hysteria driven, alcohol fuelled drunk, obsessive, fan-man behaviour. Three instances within 3 months of sexual assault, rape and one instance of almost breaking my back (that took 10 years to heal) in my first 12 months out there, doing theatre and showcases, not even with the major exposure that tv or film could bring yet, I already felt like I needed a full time security guard following me around everywhere. And especially where drunk people were. And had no idea yet how to handle any of that. So I slammed the breaks on and ran, for perfectly legimtate, logical, fear based reasons. It was really easy to start listening to the “for your wellbeing,’’ self care related logic and trusted Lecturer’s suggestions, of “maybe after all the intensity of the last few years, you should just take a gap year…earn some decent money, go travel, have some fun…take care of yourself and relax a bit, after the last several years of academic pressure, family deaths and illnesses, and carrying the weight of a house wife and parent while I was still at home. Let alone the things that had just happened now. And the more I started working and getting a taste of financial independence and security after all that, the easier it became to keep listening to well founded, logical Engineer brain and Recruitment Consultant derived logic about how staying that path was THE right, sensible thing. If in moments, when some well-meaning middle aged female Recruitment Agency Owner would tell me “I should give up my childless little girl drama dreams and settle down into a nice secretarial job, find a Man and have a family,” there was some serious push-back on my insides, followed by some hasty “thank you for the opportunity, but I don’t think this is for me’s.” After almost a another year out in various temp jobs, I already knew there was no lasting fulfilment and growth for me in several sectors I was offered the opportunity to temp in. But yet I still didn’t have any answers to the problems of managing either my own security and crazy, drunk, obsessive, objectifying fan man behaviour. And at least one other deeper one, of how can i genuinely make a difference and help people, amongst circles of people who just seem more obsessed right now with getting fame? I avoided the real issues and few people seemed to see the need to broach the real issues. While some challenged my logic when I started thinking about alternative courses and career paths that would also make me happy. Almost no one said they thought I was making a mistake. I knew by depths of depression in the 3rd year of my Animal/Biological Science Degree that I’d lost my way, but was determined at this point to finish SOMETHING. (Particularly too under the guilt of the knowing that I wasn’t the one paying for it.) Yet one breakdown and breakthrough later, it didn’t feel like “life” was supporting me to stay on that path. All the locked, overly competitive doors of getting turned down for doing honours in Marine Ecology or Biology (but accepted for Muscle Physiology within Zoology and watching myself trying to bullshit my way to justifying another honours hypothesis worth pursuing ) and a solid couple of years of being rejected for paid jobs in both numerous forms of natural resource management, environmentally and marine ecology focused NFP’s, government organisations, agriculture and Zoo’s, followed by a few well meaning "Angels" being dropped into my life via share houses and suggestions of intuitive readings later, that offered perspectives other than that of fear, only made it easier to then justify my eventual return to a career trajectory that i could now envision could involve the combining of helping people and healing, with the creative arts. Suddenly then, it was all open doors and opportunities. Even in moments when I was focusing on studying Art Therapy and building my Counselling and then Coaching practice, I’d be being invited to be in bar scenes for TV show’s being produced by people my partner played cricket with. I’d go to work wearing my Coach hat the days a corporate promotional ad and training videos were being filmed, talent supplied by my representing agency for extra work at the time, and whether they’d supplied me or not, I’d STILL end up playing a visible part in those productions. Or I’d get handed an opportunity at work to run Art Therapy workshops for kids. Everywhere I went, “life” was conspiring to get me back on that path AND back in front of live and bigger audiences too. Which, even from the standpoint of a Thought Leader, instead of an Actress brought me straight back around to having to confront all my urge to pass out, fear responses again, head on. Some things you just can’t outrun forever. “Life” (or your higher self even) sometimes just won’t let you! Every step along the way I believe has a purpose, and adds something, or activates something within our arsenal of tools needed to successfully thrive in living our life purpose. In hindsight, everything I’d done or been guided to do since, provided some piece of the puzzle in healing, or building my resilience in both mindset, and physical skill in being able to meet, match or defend against the kinds of energies i was afraid of, and dare I even say it out loud, as the last line of defence resort, even Jedi mind control (or Jedi heart control) my way in similar crowd related circumstances today, to much better outcomes than I was able to create 20 years prior. But my point was that it’s not like I’ve become anything that I am in the absence of fear. I get it, that fear of “what if’s” and the temptation to listen to the wise voice of seemingly “i've got your back” logic. If I had to suggest today what actions someone else could take to fast-track progress in operating beyond the seeming logic of fear, they would be something like these: Take action faster than you can think about it. I said it above, right at the start, but just to reinforce the point. “Don’t think, just do!” Learn how to management your state, but lean harder into the love and excitement of it One the hardest aspects of fear, is the aspect of nervous activation, where we start to feel out of control. Learning how to manage our mind and achieve neuro-regulation is an essential part of managing our fear response. Yet it can be easy to start to get way too preoccupied with eliminating and managing the fear and triggers, out of the need to regain control. When what can sometimes be more useful, is instead shifting our focus off of the fear, and instead onto focusing on what is exciting and excites us about the possibility to do this thing we love. It’s important too that we lean into loving the process of becoming physically excited itself. To see those internal rushes of biochemistry and energy as measures of pending excitement and good things about to happen. As fuel for opportunities to live fully, experience deep fulfilment and happiness and love life. And as my Speaking Mentors of years past have put it, to lean into the excitement of getting to show up in being of service, to the people who need that certain something that only you have (as Marie Forleo would also put it.) Instead of continuing to read those internal signs of activation as warning signs of impending doom and “false evidence appearing real” to come. The faster we put this step into practice, the better. Whatever you’re afraid of, confront it & if necessary, up-skill until you feel more confident Many wise people have said that courage does not develop in the absence of fear, but despite it. We learn that we can cope and handle it, ultimately in the doing. The fear monster often appears, like a shadow on a wall at night, to be appearing larger than it really is. Hence the act of confronting that same trigger, that we feared was going to be so terrifying, often shows us that, actually, it wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought it was going to be. The monster is actually only 2cm tall and tiny. And actually, we handled it! It didn’t kill us after all. And our body re-set and calmed on the other side of that. We may even have succeeded in using neuroregulatory state management or mindset techniques to achieve it. And when we handle it, our faith in that “we’ve got this” ultimately grows. If there’s a skill that we don’t have yet, that might help us feel more confident in being able to handle that situation, like learning non-violent communication techniques, doing a public speaking or leadership training, doing a defensive driving course, learning self defence or BJJ; as just a few examples, sometimes upskilling can also help us feel more confident in handling that particular challenge or scenario. So upskiling, instead of overthinking, can be a good move too. Embrace faith I say this because, according to ongoing CENSUS data, apparently around 75% of the Australian population alone still consider themselves religious, and another small percentage on top of that consider themselves spiritual but not religious. So that’s a lot of people who are open to the idea of there being a grander purpose and order within and behind all of this. And I’ve found embracing our trust in that divine order, in the universal support teams of multi-dimensional consciousnesses, ancestors, guardians, “Jedis” that we can call on to “be with me” and support us in our moments of challenge and “the doing”, can also be an essential part of fast-tracking our progress onto the path of the “higher” purpose we’re aspiring to be living. And in my humble experience, sometimes that “higher support” can be an essential part of averting more negative outcomes from occurring. When I remember to practice that, (sometimes 10mins AFTER I called on someone else for help, or started to get pulled into reactivity) it has worked for me so many times now, within 20 seconds or less, than I’m well down the rabbit hole of belief on this one. It might not be for everybody, but if you do happen to be someone who believes in any version of higher consciousness/es, whatever your words for them, I think it’s worth a reminder to lean into faith and ask for help, over entertaining the voice of fear. Let people support you This one is particularly for the Women. As a part of the evolution of my journey of public presence, when it came to the era of putting myself out there to the masses as a Coach and Speaker, and my times of greatest success, there has repeatedly been Men in my world, whether as partners for a time, or business partners offering to energetically stand by my side in presence and help have my back behind the scenes in the face of the energies I/we as Women at times have to navigate. I have no qualms in admitting that I’m literally better at what I do (& more stable) when that kind of support is present. There is some degree of truth I believe to the notion that, behind every great Man OR Woman, is a great Man or Woman AND often a great support team, helping them hold space and win. Learning to navigate our triggers and challenges independently, so that we know that we can, is one thing. And gets us through when there’s no one else. Yet it’s worth remembering that we also don’t have to do it all alone. Embracing interdependence and calling in support to help us shine in the best and challenging times, is something we totally can and probably should do a lot more often. And finally… Know your why It also helps immensely to know the big why that is the deeper motivation behind what we do. And why we love and feel so passionate about what we want to do. Or already do. And to remember that in moments where the seeming logic of fear talk is starting to win out over us…and we start feeling the need to pull away from doing what we love for the wrong reasons. For my big why, from a young age, I found so much love in the performing arts and in theatre in the process, as much as the performance. I loved everything about it. The character development, the human psychology, the self expression, the singing, the bringing a story to life. The getting to tell a story that really matters and makes an impact, as loving entertaining and leaving people with something positive that maybe they didn’t even know they needed. The getting to talk to so many different people…and truly loving the opportunity to talk with them, to get to know more about what lights them up and enjoy life with them. But I also found a secret gift within it all in my senior years of high school (and peer support/mentoring) that I wasn’t expecting, that first put me on the path to where i am today. It was also the quiet moments in the rehearsal rooms, or in the change rooms after, where a junior student would come up to me, tell me what was going on in life, and or that they were scared of going out on stage and ask me for advice (because as a senior lead each year, they thought I had it nailed) that gave me a sense of deep purpose and usefulness. When I got to say something useful to them, not just about the play, but also about life, something that i could see in realtime helped them grow into a more empowered version of themselves.,that brought me a lot of happiness to watch. And really made it all rewarding in a whole other way. In that respect, every sphere of influence, wellness, corporate or otherwise where I’ve got to coach, mentor , speak to or teach small or large groups of people since appealed because of the difference that I saw that I could make via it. Far more than did the thrusting my chest out in the direction of receiving adoration and praise, or recognition or nominations for awards. So over the years, the appeal of walking a red carpet, became far more about the positive impact I could make leaning over the fence and saying things that truly mattered to people who truly wanted to hear it. If i had’ve realised 20 years ago the ways that I know of today, in which I would go on to hybridise helping and the performing arts in a paid professional, for profit way, I might have also been more resilient in staying the course back then. Despite my deep fears that developed about having to deal with the darkest of humanity on a public stage, that inevitably goes at times, hand in hand with showing up with and for the best of humanity too. And despite other peoples ‘voices of well-meaning, but sometimes really fear based reasoning.” Which is why I say to you now, if you don’t know what your big why’s are, or they’ve recently slipped from your awareness, it’s important to find them and bring them back to front of mind. For the good days and especially the days where the voice of fear tries to paint itself as your ally. Is it though? Sometimes it too needs a fact checker. The well-meaning voice of fear can be useful in reminding us at times to be more considerate of ours or others wellbeing for sure. But when it guides us off and away from the path of doing the things we love the most and find the deepest sense of purpose from, or that voice speaking through us, guides others to step away from theirs, my friend, we've lost our way. What's the point in the end of living life, locked in a padded cell of protection, in a protective, padded, biohazard resistant suit, if it means we can never touch life up close, or get out there and really live, or love? Until next time, have fun, take care and may you and life be amazing. Nat xxP.S. Got questions, a suggestion for something you'd like me to talk about, or something you'd like to share? Feel free to jump on a free group Zoom session with me, Tuesday evenings Sydney AEST at 7pm.
When talking about it more and curling up with depression kitty feels like NOT the thing, you may wish to consider this instead... Mothers Day, as with many celebrations, can be a day of mixed feelings. Of love, fondness, much appreciation, remembrance and recognition. As well as, at times, of challenge. This year, I wanted to say something about the grief that can accompany it. That helps facilitate the moving through it, rather than the getting stuck in it. Having once trained in Grief and Loss too during Counselling Training, and again while I was volunteering for charities that supported families with terminally ill children, as well as being someone who was confronted with the realities of it from early in life, I am NOT for one second wanting to discount the processing of, or the time it can take to process the layers of grief over time. Especially as we later accumulate more tools to deal with it over time. But I cannot tell you how many times too over the years, I wished someone, anyone would also just stop trying to run a therapy circle about it and instead do an Emma Thompson in Love Actually…you know, tell you to “Get a grip. People hate sissies. No ones going to shag you if you cry all the time” type approach to the matter? I LOVE those kinds of friends. Well timed honesty, with a hefty dose of heart-wide-open love AND good humour, are sometimes the medicine I know I need. But the point, is that I wanted to say something about today that hopefully helps us better understand how to move through and out the other side of times of grief. Which there are actually multiple ways to do. If that's what we want to do? I was once taught during Transpersonal Art Therapy training, as we studied Shamanic ideas about mental health, the belief that many Indigenous Shaman hold that negative emotional states are not meant to be permanent. Not a town that we move to and take up permanent residence in. But If examined and processed:
Unless, for whatever reason, we resist the transformation. Doing so may not always be conscious.…but at times, may have us preoccupied with the reality of the past. There can be many reasons why we might be unconsciously drawn into do this. Survivor guilt being a huge one. We might feel guilty about the possibility of moving on and being truly happy again, without them. Being happy again might feel like a kind of betrayal to their memory, like maybe we SHOULD still be in mourning for longer, IF we truly cared for them? And sometimes letting ourselves be happy again, with other people, in other circumstances, can really REALLY feel like the ultimate end too. The final letting go, now that a memory of them, and or a vague sense of their spiritual presence remaining, is one of the main things we have left, beyond their physical presence. At such times, flipping back through photo albums, rewatching old home videos, ultrasound images, re-reading old letters, scrolling back through messages and emails, photos or videos in our phones, listening to their voicemail, can bring comfort and a sense of reconnection. Talking to others who knew them, may also bring that comfort and continued connection, and at other times, fill in some gaps. But in any regard, keep their memory feeling alive. We need this at times to heal. But the one thing I think we need to be careful to do, is not take up residence permanently living in the past. Let me give you an example of what I mean. On my 9th birthday, 2 days after my Mum had died, I was standing apart from the family, alone under a tree, in a picnic area in the mountains, getting a download that I have no doubt now was my Mother, about exactly this. She/they spoke of how some people can end up living in the past, after the loss of a loved one. They keep revisiting the memories of the past. Which can be reassuring and bring fond memories at first. But that inevitably takes them back, face to face, to the realisation, over and over, that they’re unfortunately, now no longer physically with them. Which then inevitability takes you in another spiral of realising and then grieving their absence. And if we spend enough time doing that, we can start to miss out on the possibilities of life that still exist in front of us in the present. And on the future moments and possibilities of love and living a life we truly love, that are also still waiting in the next moment to come. So they asked me to think about and choose what way I wanted to live my life going forward. Because the choice was mine. I didn’t have to think about this too long. A matter of about no more than 15 seconds really. It might’ve helped let go that I also had a strong sense and was at peace after dreaming about it too that night before, on top of over a year of Mum’s own reassurance prior, that she was absolutely fine and would be fine where she was now too. But it was a quick resolution for me to decide I wanted to commit to living and loving again, with my heart on my sleeve, as best I could, for as long as I could. I haven’t always won at this. But I’ve given it my best shot to honour the promise that I made to myself, and her, that day. When you make that choice, and give yourself that permission, you make room for you to also start to dream and explore a thousand possibilites at least once first in your minds eye, before you decide to go after them in real life. In that respect, I have decades worth of stuff to get done and long held big visions, that excite and inspire the shit out of me. When I remember that, I’m never short on hope and inspiration for the future. And I’ve found, it’s also necessary medicine, that helps keep things in balance, in those moments where you have less of a choice about remembering painful memories. Like, when something that happens in the present triggers their remembrance. Or some other challenge that happens now, inevitably means that you’ve got to revisit that one, to process this one. Or, as a part of building new personal connections over time, at some point, you inevitably have to start sharing some details about such things, if you’re ever to give them a chance to better know, understand and hence meaningfully connect with you. As well as enjoy a life you both love, together. So on days like today, there will inevitably be moments where I might inevitably remember something about Mum. Or might find the tears welling up, thinking about the the very real spiritual relationships I had with each of the two little beings, one girl and one boy, that came with both of my 2 pregnancies that didn’t come to be. And have moments where I still find myself coming to terms with the ways in which I’d once hoped that bringing through each of them and becoming a Mother, might have helped heal and fill the tremendous void that was left in the loss of my Mother….and remember that I have to let go of all that, so that I can move forward and embrace what purpose, experiences and gifts life ACTUALLY has in store now instead. And it’s true that this has undeniably proved to be a MASSIVE task of processing, that in moments felt like it was going to drown me, the intensity and magnitude of it felt so huge. And yet, in order to move forward constructively, there is definitely a structured way in which I go about this. In a way that doesn’t lead to days and months of giving myself permission to lose myself under a doona, curled up with the spirit of “depression kitty” and a bottle of something, somewhere. In a way that doesn’t involve hundreds of hours I don’t want to talk about it, talking about it in a Therapists office. Or involve scratching at an old wound, that i wont let heal, because the pain within it, is the only place i still know them, or that depth of connection and happiness. I’d rather write a quick love note, or thought, to their spiritual self now. Let the old wound heal, recontextualize and connect in new ways, that fit with the current reality of things now and honour and make room for the connections that still exist now. Because, while that one person is completely unique and irreplaceable in there own beautiful way, i've seen many times, again and again, how, when one person we love is lost to us, "life" can and will send you other permeation/s of all the things that you loved about them and that totally worked for you, for the right reasons, but via someone else. If you can just open up to seeing and receiving them. To opening up to loving and living again. If not that, i'll throw myself into 3 hours of writing a needed book. Or planning a needed event. Or connect with someone who inspires and who’s work inspires me. Or tell a friend or two on a hike, and maybe get a quick hug, on the way to getting on with the canoeing up the river. Or maybe plan out finally finishing that skydiving jump that got put off 4 birthdays in a row, thanks to national disaster bushfires, consecutive pandemic lockdowns, vaccination challenges and then, last year, recovery from some demon descendant of long covid. (Perhaps I should just pick ANOTHER day of the year, in which, unlike the anniversary of my 72hr long breached birth (thanks for enduring the hell of that, so that I could get here Mum!), it’s less ‘stuck’…and more “aligned”??) But I’ve digressed, sometimes the very medicine we might need, is actually to get doing and get ON with and back to living life. Rather than constantly waiting for that point at which you think you’ll feel healed enough and ‘ready’ again to invest fully IN life? While i’m here if you do need to reach out, please know that you’re allowed to choose your own strategy, and it doesn’t have to involve either talking about it today or therapy, if that’s NOT what you want to do, or really need, or need anymore. It’s totally up to you. So how do you choose to navigate today??? Until next time, have fun, take care and may you and all you bring to the world, be amazing. Nat Ferrier(Anti Grief Counsellor in Residence)
In the recent past, I’d talked about the extremes of positivity and negativity bias. About how sometimes TOO much positivity bias (trying to bypass all of our own negative emotions/painful past experiences and all negativity and drama in others) can have a negative impact on our relationships, for people then coming to feel like it’s not safe or acceptable to be ‘human’ about normal human things in our vicinity. Let alone can potentially delay our own healing, if we’re doing it as a coping mechanism; a form of escapism from having to deal with reality. That’s not to say that one should throw out one’s internal optimistic nature though with the bath water of spiritual bypass and ‘toxic positivity.’ Whether it’s me just being me, or another part me being typically “Sagittarian”, despite the amount of spectacularly shitty trauma that’s gone on in my life in places, I’ve also long been known for a Neddy Flanders type capacity to find the upside in literally anything. One of my life mottos, for sure is “sure that totally sucked. BUT sh*t could’ve been worse.” I will then likely list 4 ways in which MY sh%t could’ve been drastically worse, followed by 4 in which I am somehow now wiser or better off for this….(likely, these days at least, I WONT do the same with you without first referencing rules 101 of Counselling and Customer Service: ALWAYS seek to understand and show empathy first, as well as acknowledge the problem, before you ever start suggesting solutions or optimistic ‘Neddy’ rays of gratitude and future possibility to anyone else.) But I’ve digressed. The point is, at times, the ability to see the upside and to see and appreciate the lessons and the hidden gifts in all negative situations is also a necessary survival trait. One that gives balance, both when we’re going through crisis, and later again, when we’re working on healing. And it’s a function of healing. The final stages of healing from trauma, in models mapping the journey, usually involve both taking full responsibility for what is now within our power to change and create, the envisioning of and feeling into our vision of what we would ideally like to experience in future instead. Followed by a clear decision to go after that, and a plan of commitment to action on creating it. Optimism, feeling the energy of and embracing the possibility of a brighter future, inevitably becomes an essential part of grounding that vision into our waking reality. Hence why we might not want to throw out the optimism with the dirty bath water, in the cleansing journeying of personal and professional development. Too much negativity bias (and only ever seeing the worst in all circumstances and pre-emptively trying to head off danger), can also put our relationships under a lot of strain. If we’re so busy focusing on fixing what is going wrong, without taking the time to notice what is still going very right, then others can come to feel like they’re not appreciated, constantly under attack and nothing they do is enough or right of us. More than that, in terms of our own wellbeing, there is also such a thing as overdoing it on personal process, trying to heal ALL the wounds and ALL the trauma in rapid succession, so that one can be adequately equipped for and participate optimally in relationships future. This hyper-focus on getting back in control, by healing all the things, as well as getting back in control of our nervous systems, is a very typical response to past trauma. But in helping people recover, it’s also important for people to understand that trying to do too much, too fast, to just get it all over with, can also have a way of blowing up our health and our lives in a whole other way. Let me present myself as exhibit A as evidence in the case for and against this. Once upon a time, when I first started doing a lot of the deeper healing work around the link between limiting beliefs, relationship dysfunction and trauma, I found that I had exactly that tendency to try and do too much too fast. Not just for me. But mostly I also felt bad for others that I was somewhat broken, and want to be a better friend, a better coach and mentor who was better able to help other people overcome similar things, a better client, a better partner, a better friend, a better every type of family role. Not to mention, one day, a better Mother, who was providing a much better space for her future kids, than some of the past challenges I’d had to navigate, that I wouldn’t want another human to have to. So I got impatient about trying to get it all done already, so that I could get on with life and be all that. The irony is in how it at times got in the way of all that. I talked recently in another blog about a lot of what happened, what I pursued and who I saw in the process of my trauma healing journey. Today, iwith a bit of help and inspiration from others, ’ve distilled it down to a simple 10 step transformational process I’ve often walked myself or others through, in 5 mins - 60 mins, depending on what it is and how well they know and trust you. But for my own process, I felt like it took a lot of trial and error to find what was most sustainable, and how much was too much, in a time period where how to heal trauma, was still poorly understood in many places. For all the Counselling, Coaching, Art Therapy, Psychosomatic Bodywork, Energetic Medicine and Sensory and Intuitive Intelligence training, and the strong sense that this was not my first lifetime around the block with this, I could get through to the insight required for a breakthrough incredibly quickly. Only, your consciousness often can download a lot faster than your body can keep up with integrating all the changes, new programs, visions and decisions you’re making. While I could get the download/breakthrough in 1-5 mins, I’d often spend up to 2 hours on a session working through some of the bigger, more nervous system disrupting stuff. And in places where I felt there was value in doing drama or Gestalt therapy style visualisation exercises with past parts of myself, for which I now had the tools and processes to give what they needed that they might not have got in the past. Two hours was physically, the most I could handle of that, before I started to feel mentally vague, possibly a bit shaky, physically fatigued and like I’d reached capacity. Two hours of bodywork was about the standard with bodywork practitioners I had sessions with at that time too. One week at a trauma healing retreat, going at it day and night, was also something that I could do. But doing that much that fast, had consequences. Because you’d walk away still so activated and processing so much, that your ability to function in every day life for a week or two after, was strongly affected. There’d be days spent for hours in tears, while you kept processing thing you’d previously never let yourself feel, or hadn’t noticed. I’d end up in lunch breaks or quiet moments, in bathrooms, having to cry it out for a bit, fix my face and then get back to business as normal. Clients would totally cancel out for full days on such days…and of course they would, because it’s not like YOU had much internal bandwidth left on those days to hold space for THEM, while you were pushed to the max, re-programming aspects of your childhood trauma…and dealing with the inevitable Tarot Tower Card that often happens in life, when you start making big decisions about how you want to show up and how you want to be loved in life now instead. All your major relationships would then start rearranging like a Rubik’s cube in response. Some with ease and grace. Others would then blow up into conflicts at work, with housemates, conflicts with family or partners, along with whatever you’d just shifted, and what changes THEY were now feeling from you. Plus in response to having to live and work around your stressed, chaotic, overwhelmed energy. How successfully it was navigated, often was directly proportional to how well you’d explained to them what was going on, and or held space for what would also change for them. If you were bringing up now a lot of old things and asking or a lot of changes at once, or continuously, things would often get tense. The speed and frequency of your work, let alone the frequency of insight, would be too much for some. Other times, the blowing up in relationships that were functioning would be a form of self sabotage, while parts of you fought change, in preference of clinging to the safety of the known. As a response to being so unfamiliar with emotional safety and availability in healthy relationships, that your system couldn’t handle the unfamiliarity of a relationship dynamic you weren’t used to, and then you would try and blow it up, so that you could get back to a dysfunctional bio chemical state your body was still withdrawing from a literal past addiction to. As well as get back to the safe familiarity of emotional disconnection and hyper self reliance. Where you might have been alone, but at least you were out of the fire and felt in control. Part of the Neuro-regulatory work that needs to be done after healing childhood trauma, is the neuro-regulatiion of your state also in secure connection. As well as the work that needs to be done daily to ground in and lock you into the much better reality you seek. One where you’re purposefully riding the waves of your new vision. Over feeling like the waves are constantly crashing on you and others, and it’s all beyond your control. To work through one particular piece of trauma, is a bit like trying to swim through massive, crashing, waves, to the ocean floor beyond, in the dark, with just a tiny light. You can find the pearl you need down there. But you can get a bit disoriented, getting churned and flipped around under the crashing waves near the shore. Plus the visibility is clouded at first by the stirred up sand and white wash. With the result that you can end up momentarily wondering which way is up. Until your inner ears and inner GPS rights itself, you figure out which way is UP, and where the ocean floor is. Spot the wreckage, find the thing you need within it. Swim for the surface and take a deep breath again. Before finding your boat or your board and getting back to riding the waves of personal and professional life. This was how I learned that there can be such a thing as TOO much process work. We might well be doing it with the best of intention, going hard often, trying to fix all the things, to finally be ‘safe’ for others and ‘enough” just as you are. Let alone to feel safe ourselves. But too much process, without balance and guidance as to a process to follow and what to expect, can feel like chaos and like you’re blowing up your life along with it, not just as inevitable part of healing and change. But because the speed at which we’re trying to achieve all the healing steps and necessary transformations, is having flow on for others too. Let alone the physical exhaustion and overwhelm we can experience, while your body is trying to process and integrate all the neural, physical and energetic changes that go with making a whole bunch of new decisions and life choices in the process of healing and moving on and upgrading from old ones. Each person’s healing journey is both similar and unique, so how we create that balance, might look a little different for each of us, depending on our life and work circumstances and individual makeup. But it’s important and there are benefits in being intentional about creating balance and containment around how much time we spend in process, v’s how much time we spend on optimism, positivity, purpose, lightness, fun, laughter, connection and common ground. In times of trauma healing and life transition, such qualities can be the necessary oxygen that sustains us. Is a part of the journey, to naturally moving through and back out the other side of healing any given trauma. And no matter what is shifting or changing in our relationships, it is essential oxygen to our relationships too, that we be intentional about keeping our focus on frequently seeing the best in others and being grateful for the very things that brought us together with them in the first place. Yes, even and especially when our paths take us in new directions. But as a necessary component of successfully navigating healing and growth within relationships of all kinds, when all parties wish to move forward, together. Hope you had a happy, fun and safe Easter long weekend and have a great start to the week. Until next time, have fun, take care and may you and life be amazing. Nat xxHow easy is it, in this modern world to find oneself getting caught up in the pull of the need for external validation? How often are we living and working amidst circumstances that impose external measures of our apparent worth and value upon us, and then taking that on, instead of self determining our definition of worth, fulfilment and success for ourselves? A little confused as to what I mean? Ok I’ll explain. Having spent much of the prior decade existing within and proactively working towards achieving (and helping others work towards achieving) the whole white picket fence traditional business and family success picture, a lot of the parameters used to measure ones success on this journey, are quantitative details. Things like number of numbers of event registrants and audience members, numbers of followers, numbers of likes, reactions, engagements, click through, leads gained, product or program sales, conversions off all of the prior, number of speaking engagements booked and delivered, number of books written, numbers of partnerships achieved, number of testimonials gathered. Numbers of posts we’ve shared to socials this week; total, on content, as social proof of us attending events, running events, meeting clients, networking, being in FULL rooms. Number of donations or charitable engagements delivered, or attended. Dare I say it, the number of likes we got on selfies that were shared to show evidence of our success in the achievement of developmental milestones and goals held as evidence of social acceptability and hence relatability. Eg the happy spouse and kids photos, the hanging with the sisters or the sisterhood photos, the proof of “lifestyle” photos, quantified in validation through numbers of likes, reactions and engagements, often no longer just with the intent of sharing one's life with people they care about, but now with strategic purpose etc etc. All such metrics can and often are used at some point as measures of our entrepreneurial progress, status and worthiness of other organisations investing IN us, our programs, services, books, products etc. But it’s not just entrepreneurial. In no shortage of high performing sales teams within retail that I’ve been a part of, not to mention non for profit community services, membership organisations or educational institutions (just a couple of examples) using KPI’s as performance measures, it is not unusual too, to have someone else’s targets and measures of progress and success (and our value to them) imposed upon us. And then there’s the metrics measured and kept of your value and success in the realms of film, television, modelling; again from likes and engagement on socials, to number of credits, to audience ratings and feedback from focus groups; having largely out of it focusing on entrepreneurship (and healing) and integrating back into it, you’re quickly faced with the reality of no recent photos, no recent reels, no recent credits of late, hence no recent metrics = no measurable value or social proof of your value. Re-include many of the before mentioned in this realm too. We are a society that often measures our achievement, our success on metrics and quantifiable evidence. The difficulty has become though, when we start equating, or mistaking such quantifiables for our value; in so many circumstances now, we’re often equating such quantitative measures with our worth and worthiness to others in the world. And or we start incorporating other peoples opinions and perceptions of our success based on such things, on as indicative of our worthiness and value. Pardon my language, but that’s when sh%t starts to get a bit f$cked up. I’ve noticed A LOT this last 2 years in particular, how quickly, living in this paradigm, I can feel on top of the world one minute…and then feel like a completely worthless piece of shit, wondering what my value is to offer the world the next, if my numbers in such areas are insufficient in the eyes of others, as well as mine…and most of the world is now judging your value based on them. Let alone, as discussed in blogs prior, how much is DOES impact you in personal life, in work and business life, in dating life, as people judge you based on what developmental lifestyles you have and haven’t achieved. In my case, I ticked off many of the white picket fence success boxes early; man, house, cars, trying for kids. I had it, then (as runs part and parcel with taking responsibility for intergenerational trauma and this life's share of having played out my own) then I didn’t again. In your early 30’s that didn’t seem to matter; you still had time. In your 40’s, oh it matters to people baby! "Still single? What’s wrong with you? Don’t have kids of your own? What’s wrong with you? Not still trying for kids? What’s wrong with you? Not earning 7 figures, what’s wrong with you? Don’t own a house? What’s wrong with you?" Other people’s questions, personal and professional rejections, reading comments on socials, contemplating and projecting what others you care about, who’s love and respect means a lot to you, MIGHT also be thinking of you; that can quickly lead to a place of backwards deceleration in mindset: “Well I can’t put out this content then. Well there’s no point doing this, because it’s not wanted. Well I can’t ask for that, because they won’t think I’m enough. No point offering that, no one in that market will buy it compared to ********** because I haven’t ticked these boxes, these people don’t take me seriously, they only think I’m a "wannabe", these one think I’m damaged goods, too much, too much of a risk…..blah blah blah BLAH, WHAH WHAH...cue my tiny violin! While temporarily everything i declared about MY purpose and worth prior, i put down, and self abandoned...where again? And then suddenly you’re procrastinating for weeks on content recorded and never shared, thinking its not worth launching this event, not worth sharing your voice, this webinar, writing to this list…if we/it has no value, and others SEE no value in it, is there a point? Sometimes when I get to that place, i’ll then go seeking MORE external validation. But qualitative forms instead. I’ll ask “life” for reminders of qualitative measures of my value…first hand testimonials delivered by whoever….and I’ll get them…instantly. A dozen people over the next few days, showing up out of nowhere, reminding me why exactly everything that I already am in this moment right now, doing exactly what I already do and have recently achieved, is incredibly inspiring for them, having recently been through similar challenges and or having similar aspirations, but being a little further behind. Qualitative social proof of one’s value and contributions to the world. But the problem, when Coaches tell you to go re-gather and or contemplate qualitative external feedback, is that it’s as remedy to ultimately a lack of SELF validation and determination. And thus, only a temporary, fleeting 'fix.' The seeking of external validation of one’s value, lovability, enoughness, is an a-typical trap for a kid with childhood trauma to fall into. High achievement, KPI’s and metrics, and qualitative feedback, while valuable, can be a trap for recoverees like that. Their striving for high achievement, might look like functionality from the outside. But when it comes from a place of trying to prove ones lovability and value and create psychological safety through getting validation that others approve of us and therefore we’re safe to invest and simply exist in social contexts, (instead of intrinsically knowing what our value is and showing up from that place) the endless pursuit of achievement can feel a little bit more more like running endlessly on a hamster wheel, that just happens to be located in the 7th layer of hell. An exhausting, anxiety riddled hamster wheel, where one is constantly trying to maintain ones footing within it, but can’t stop running. One where we’re not really living in the moment, likely missing a lot of the magic of the present moment, and or failing to be grateful for all that we already ARE in the present moment. Plus inadvertently pushing others away, or just not being able to receive actual love and approval, because our striving is putting a literal gap in energy, time and space, between us and them. Comparing ourselves to a past version of us, can be equally as unproductive in moments, as comparing ourselves to a future version of us we haven’t become yet, as it is comparing ourselves to others who are further ahead, and finding ourselves measuring up short. In a world so full of forms of external validation, it’s vitally important to reclaim and cultivate daily our own sense of our intrinsic value. But when we’ve done that, to also take a leaf out of the Dalai Lama’s lesson plan and get the focus off of “me me me me, my my my” self centred focus, and back onto altruism, the other and service. “Altruism is the antidote of a self-centred attitude”- The Dalai Lama How do we do that? Recently, I found myself talking myself through a 3 step process for myself, to move myself beyond what had extended into a couple of weeks of self centric overanalysis paralysis and trying to keep different projects on task. Given that I think there’s value for others in it, I thought I’d write out and share a little summary of the process. But I think there’s value in tweaking a version of this that’s a recipe that’s just right for you personally. Particularly given that the whole point of this article is self determination. The point is to tweak your own...and then contemplate a bunch of it, facing ourselves in the mirror, as well as in our notebooks. The process looks like:
Define your intrinsic value
Get re-service focused
Get back to being of service in the real world
Whatever answers I arrive at, I then reaffirm that what and who I’m seeking, is also seeking me. So there’s no need to get hung up on trying to prove anything. Which only creates that literal separation in time, space and energy between you, them and opportunity. You just then get busy being and doing what you can, day by day, on living and create all of that, on the journey up the bigger mountain. By the time you've answered that list, the benefits is that one’s locus of control has shifted back to the inside. Regardless of what anyone else has to say about your value, against their goals and yardstick measures of success, you now care far less, as you look yourself in the mirror and both feel the conviction of purpose and feel the conviction of backing yourself on the value of what you already provide and ARE, right here, right now. And added bonus, once you’re back in the realm of self-determination, psychological safety is no longer something that you feel can be taken away, just because you do or don’t measure up to someone else’s yardstick. Just like all of our visions, you create it, first and foremost, in your head, before walking it in everyday life. Finally, nobody is laughing with you, unless you’re first finding reasons to laugh out loud and share them WITH them. Nobody is able to enjoy the sound of your voice, unless you’re first reconnecting with how much you love to sing and then SINGING around them. Nobody can benefit from your stories, unless you’re first taking the time to write them down and then sharing them WITH people. And lastly, it's hard for people to receive the perfectly aligned wisdom and support they need from us, until we first ask “how can I help?” Or “what do you need?” You with me? Not all external feedback, in the end is helpful, event relevant, or valuable. But the self determined narrative we're telling ourselves on the inside, while we're living out our purpose, that counts for a whole lot. When it all just gets two serious, 2 minutes of the Baby Shark Song also has a way of lifting and shifting one pretty quickly through A LOT of things! Nat xxP.S. If you haven't already, you can download a FREE chapter of my book below...
On the back of Sydney World Pride 2023 and in the lead up to International Women’s Day, I thought I’d share one perspective on the unique challenges, as well a gift or 3 that have emerged from over a decade of exploring life off the well beaten cis gender heterosexual path, of what it is to be more closely identified as bisexual and or gender non conforming, than as a strictly cis gender, single heterosexual female. As my email and social feed (and possibly yours?) came to be filled with short corporate ads claiming to be YES for Pride, and as I found myself involved in numerous discussions about Pride this last week, and witnessed many heated comments about misunderstanding the origins of Pride Activism, Australian mainstream female media personalities giving the PM shit about not dressing up to march in Mardi Gras and listened to objections about straight people using Mardi Grad parties as another excuse to dress up & get pissed, and now as my inbox fills with emails pre International Women’s Day about what it means to be female and either a Mum or a Not Biological Mum, I found myself re-contemplating what does that really even mean, to be FOR Pride? And what does it mean to be Female in 2023? And who really does understand what it means, that they’re claiming to be for PRIDE? And perhaps most importantly, as someone who would identify as being more bisexual than cis heterosexual, and if we start diving down the spiritual rabbit hole of evolution, a little bit queer and a few shades of gender nonconforming in the middle (in other words, I feel no real need and actually find it a bit limiting to try and fit into the box of any one particular label) do I even get what the hell Pride even really means? Let alone how do we best support all people who identify as Women on International Women’s Day, and during Sydney World Pride, to be them/he or she?? That led me to re-doing a lot of research on the origins of pride activism in both western white centric cultures, as well as the origin of pride activism for People and Cultures of Colour. And what that means to largely White Westerners across the US and England, as well as what that has meant historically within my hood in Australia and New Zealand, and various states within Australia. As I contemplated the challenges and wins that LGBTIQ+ activists have achieved over several decades, protesting against hundreds of years of abuse, legal exclusion of basic legal and human rights and the denial of service to people we might now identify as LGBTIQA+, by virtually all segments of society; from the criminalisation of consensual same sex adult sexual activity and dressing in clothing out of sync with ones biological gender, from lack of government representation, to employment, health, housing and religious discrimination, and withholding of marriage or adoption rights organised crime control of establishments where LGBTIQ+ people might’ve spent their time, not to mention where such legal and human rights challenges overlapped with other laws that withheld basic rights based on race, ableism or disability, socio economic class or social status, throughout history, I couldn’t help but also be immensely grateful for all the work that has come before. Victories that have afforded people like myself the freedom to even be able to speak out loud about, let alone have explored, what gender or sexual identity means for them personally. And have influenced too, what we have to talk about on International Women's Day. If a large part of creating greater psychological safety between individuals involves developing a greater understanding of each other, then I contemplated that to truly be FOR pride and ALL Women on International Women’s Day, perhaps one needs to better understand why one might identify with any given part of the LGBTIQ+ spectrum, let alone being bisexual, for example, as well as what that ultimately means that one might journey and experience in the course of life, past present or future. Because to be bisexual or questioning, in my humble personal experience, is sometimes to be very misunderstood about where you’re coming from and what drives you. As well as comes with its own unique set of challenges, learnings and ultimately also gifts. In saying that, I am by NO means, amongst the most knowledgable, visible or proactive LGBTIQ+ advocates or allies, so I’m not proclaiming to represent a collective viewpoint here. But I did want to talk about my own personal experience of areas over the years, as I started to, particularly in my 30’s, colour outside the lines of cis gender heterosexuality and contemplated whether or not to openly declare bisexuality and the implications of that, in the entrepreneurial world, the workplace and various aspects of personal life. For me personally, I would say that it was in my early 30’s that I started connecting with both Men and Women in dating and relating. But I knew from a teenage age, without really being specifically attracted to any specific person, that I was same-sex attracted in moments AND simultaneously, had an undeniable love of and chemistry with people who identified as Men. Given too that I grew up in conservative, heteronormative country Victoria in the 80s, imagining growing up, getting married and having kids some day with some likely similar aged, taller than me, dark handsome man (definitely NOT how my relating life even remotely turned out, for the better), my focus and energy were channelled for decades into finding ways to co-create that reality. From my late 20s onwards, I was surrounded with a lot of people in the community services, personal development, arts, private practice and spiritual communities, and had plenty of friends around me going to Tantra or Relationship workshops, or running them, who were exploring and supportive of exploration of sexual identity and sex positivity. Also, the combination of my attempts to heal my own trauma, with my efforts to develop my own focus in private practice, inevitably evolved from wanting to help other Women re-find passion and purpose beyond time of trauma and life transition, into also focusing on relationship and life coaching people through sexual and reproductive health and illness concerns and becoming a Speaker on such things (before later moving on to Coaching & Mentoring on Practice Success in the sphere of Health and Wellbeing, and confidence in communication and leadership In both professional and entrepreneurial contexts). But it wasn’t until after a breakup of sorts in my early 30’s, where a partner ended things to re-pursue the (bi-sexual ) love of his life, that the time began where I was connecting with both Men and Women. And my next few connections came with a few possibilities of healing and exploring everything that came up for me amidst that breakup, among other things, while my ultimate goal still remained evolving towards a deep, monogamous connection…and overcoming what was still in the way of that. With the exception of a few podcasts, blogs and speaking pieces aside, where it might have had relevance to certain client groups and their challenges (and the odd moment where I felt I owed networks of thousands to over 20 000 people some form of explanation as to my departure from Leadership roles) innately, I actually tend to want to be pretty private about my romantic pursuits, for wanting to create the kind of trust and safety, where there can be depth & longevity. So, in truth I never really ‘came out’ as bisexual or questioning, so much as I was kind of outted by a male lover in my early 30’s on social’s proclaiming of a connection, with himself and other Women, as a part of his open, authentic, sex positive, unashamed philosophy of living, being and sexuality. While some people were fine and supportive and both surprised AND not surprised by this, for others, especially in professional contexts, it then felt like I got pulled into personal and professional "damage control." To manage the fact that this privileged piece of information did not arrive, to the people I cared about, or clients or work colleagues on my socials, as I might have intended, from me personally. “Damage control”, because to be openly bisexual, is also sometimes perceived in some ways as a threat, and I wanted to be responsible, ethical and respectful in showing up for the chats I might need to about people’s professional and personal concerns. Celebrating ME, I would say in hindsight, I let take a distant second. Simultaneously, the whole experience also revealed A LOT about some of the misconceptions, beliefs, stereotypes and judgements we collectively and individually held, maybe still hold in places, about bisexuality and deviating from the cis gender heterosexual road well travelled. For one, it was and is sometimes, not taken seriously and dismissed as a phase you’re going through; a phlegmatic, white privileged, over-indulgent party phase of experimentation. As a bisexual female Comedian pointed out recently in her piece at the Sydney Lunar Comedy Evening, “when you mention being Bisexual to some straight people, they tell you to get off the fence and just pick a damn side!” I'd go one step further to say you sometimes hear it in same sex scripts and conversations too, but in the form of "oh yeah, they're still THERE." So there can often be a judgement of indecisiveness, uncommittedness and immaturity that comes with it. It can also get dismissed as just a phase of healing you’re going through, on the way back to being "straighty 180." While a lot of my sex positive Counsellor and Coach colleagues and friends simply embraced it as my next step of exploration and evolution, it wasn’t that way in a lot of high end Coaching and Business Circles. A lot of those Mentors viewed it as a phase of healing. And maybe it’s because I didn’t push hard enough, but it felt like everybody in them Mentored and gave business and marketing advice about how to position myself, under the (heteronormative) assumption that I was just a confused heterosexual Women, broken from losing my Mum and Grandmothers young, Daddy damage, and a host of instances of sexual and physical assault, who just needed to be healed back onto the path of a monogamous relationship with a Man, pop out a kid and all would be right in the world again. And did I really want the complexity and baggage that would go with owning THIS part of myself publicly too, on top of everything else I’d been through in life? Hadn’t I already had it hard enough? But that’s also the nature of Mentoring for you; their intention is to guide you based on their past path of success, and success in those days sometimes involved hiding your private sexuality business under a cloak of shame and public approvability, and regarding sexual explorativeness as a threat to the reputation of all involved. Not to mention often dismissing mine at least, as a phase of healing. And then there’s the slut shaming that came with it too, particularly in white male dominated high achieving business circles. In a “bisexual = promiscuity = whore…. & the kind of woman you wouldn’t take home to meet your family, or to your rich, status-holding mates” kind of way. The kind you bang and dispose of, not build a life or have kids with. To be bisexual or questioning was in some cases, to be ranked a lesser value class of Woman. And thus here come the ways that it can be perceived as a threat:
What i'm about to say, i'm not going to share as THE way things SHOULD be done, or what i think anyone ELS should aspire to or do. It's simply the place i personally have evolved to within all of this, as it relates to my spiritual world view. For me, I’ve had enough experiences in life that I undeniably believe in the existence of a higher consciousness and the existence of benevolent beings that guide us. Me being raised Christian and my Mum, being Christian, before she died, took it upon herself to hand write a book for me, in which she copied OUT of the Bible, summaries of the life lessons that she thought were the most important to live life by. Many of those she wrote, are shared by multiple spiritual methodologies, across the globe. But essentially, she left out all the parts that I believe she felt were written for a time that is now several centuries out of date, both in terms of population size, our current level of awareness, scientific, medical and and technological advancements, not to mention modern day leadership and motivational theory, having taken a substantial turn away from negative reinforcement and shaming, in the direction of strength based approaches, positive reinforcement and encouragement. I'm sure i'll be shot to sh*t for saying this, but i feel the difficulty being with the original Bible, that those who published it have done such a fine job of instilling fear of damnation into so many peoples' minds, that it’s difficult to actually now change it, and reinforce the teachings that are in it about unity, unconditional love and acceptance instead, without completely destabilising a huge number of people’s core sense of psychological safety. The constant emails I get sent, and the judgements and concerns i've worn from some Ministers, let alone the being screamed at weekly by Nuns at my workplace that i'm going to hell, being constant proof of just how hard people will fight you, to the detriment of all else, on maintaining the parts that instill fear, judgement, discrimination and division, over love. I have to wonder how many of the world’s problems could be solved if the heads of the various churches, or even better, a range of spiritual leaders from across the world, got together and decided to tune into God/Higher Consciousness/s to channel an updated one for the present day, with the intention of serving the highest good of all, NOW? But will they? Until they do, I’ve basically opted to put that book down and go direct to source for guidance, and to hang with people who are walking the talk on unconditional love and interested in finding the threads that unite us. My spiritual evolution too, has since taken me personally, elsewhere. For me, the questioning of cis gender heterosexuality and exploration of bisexuality and stepping outside the lines of traditional gender roles, sexual preferences and identities, was also a product of my expanding spiritual and energetic and universal worldview, as i continued to explore the shamanic, transpersonal, the "new cage" movement and both modern and ancient spiritual and wellness methodologies and ways of living. As well as considered life and consciousness OUT THERE, across dimensions, time and space. Love, for me, had also evolved to be more about the soul in the body I’m connecting with, more than it is about the specific anatomy of the human body attached to it, at this particular point in time in space. Never was it more obvious to me, than standing at the foot of my Mother’s bed, 5 minutes after she had died, just how thoroughly pointless this amazing biological machine that is the human body becomes, once the consciousness that once lit it up, is no longer there. But then I’ve also come to embrace the idea that ‘heaven doesn’t only have a one-way door.’ For example, take the idea of reincarnation, and consider that as souls, we might of known each other at different points in time and space, at which we might of existed and grown to know each other, with different gender identities, soul purposes, personalities and preferences to the ones we have in this lifetime NOW, as a consequence of our experience in that particular lifetime. If we were to reconnect with them again in this one, and remember any of this, integrating that awareness may well require the adaption of a somewhat gender fluid and potentially bisexual, or even pansexual worldview to accomodate that new awareness, of what genders we were and when. (“Pansexual” being a term often used to describe people who identify having a physical, emotional or romantic attraction to any gender, not just a biological gender, that also had applicable in such spiritual world views.) There are parts of the community now too that also now recognise the term “2-Spirit” as a form of sexual identity, or gender identity. My understanding is that this is a term derived from Native American culture, to describe people who are male, female or intersex and have both a male and female spirit within them? I relate this also to a quantum energetic worldview, that incorporates both the model of multidimensionality of the universe, ideas of other forms of sentient organic lifeforms and non-physical consciousness into it. And or accounts for the potential influence of fragments of ourselves from other incarnations or times, or dimensions. And or the presence of other sentient consciousnesses, that could be influencing our experience in this one. Such viewpoints again, invite and require an inevitable expansion beyond binary definitions of biological gender and gender and sexual identity. Hence too why I would say that, for me, short of whoever i dated in the last decade and why, it doesn’t feel as true to say I’m only cis gender heterosexual or only fit under one specific LGBTIQ+ label of self expression and gender identity, gender fluidity or non conformity, in a reality in which we exist, existed and will exist in multiple forms, physical and non physical. While many of the ways of looking at gender and sexuality diversity, sociology, human psychology and relating dynamics and spirituality can and have been perceived at times as threats, the other way to look at them is of course, as opportunities for growth, healing and deepening understanding of others, and breaking through the kinds of limiting beliefs that hold all of us back, in ALL contexts. Not to mention healing what gets in the way of us connecting with others well, personally and professionally. While I won’t deny that I found both healing and had a lot of fun along the journey of exploration of these part of myself, and I’m sorry, but I have little guilt or shame around admitting that, to me, my choice to be phlegmatically running around the world, running on desire or addiction, wanting to screw whoever I want, whenever I want, as the latest expression of my uncommitted, Sagittarian freedom & adventure-loving white privilege, as some have judged it to be. I’ve always wanted a committed, monogamous, deep relationship with someone who has similar interests, goals and loves people and being of service, adventure and the outdoors as much as I do. It’s just that also, as the decades have progressed, my world view evolved AND the possibility of having biological children of my own had come into question (after already having served as a parent and carer younger in life, in multiple different ways, yet still being more than happy to be open to the possibilities of other peoples children being present in my life, in future ways) that I became less attached to whoever that might be with, as needing to be of any specific gender. In the process of life over that decade, i realised that i was equally capable of falling in love with a Woman, as i was with a Man. I was drawn to each for different reasons and found that some dynamics too, didn't work for various reasons, dependent upon what i was needing and what is on my manifestation list at any given time, just like is the case with any other human relationship on the planet. What comes next, well i guess we'll see in time, wont we? Lord knows though, as a highly intelligent, hyper-independent, over-achiever in almost all of the areas of service I’ve turned my focus to, who’s life lessons and life purpose have largely turned out to be about facilitating interdependence and deeper connectedness, I’d say I’m about done slapping any more bumper sticker labels of limitation on my gender identity and self expression. And in this day and age, I’d honestly rather just be upfront about it, than have people either feel deceived or leave when they find out this part of my backstory. I'm not writing this because i want the world to validate MY existence. I'm just grateful that, now that i make a life or love choice, it's nice to be surrounded by more people now who are like "hell yes girl, GET IT!" rather than fighting me so hard on why MY life choice doesn't work for THEM. Thank you to those of you who are my "go get it" people, you know who you are. xx I hope that as I offer any of this history or perspective (that i've essentially made my peace and moved on from) it goes on to create greater understanding… about why people who are LGBTIQ+ identified, let alone identified with the B, the Q or the +, ever had reason to protest, and a need to speak up about things we had experienced. As well as why any LGBTIQ+ identified person might be celebrating and what he/she/they might be grateful for at this time. Hence why, as all the tokinistic, opportunistic Pride and IWD2023 ads started to roll around, i found myself and others wondering, "are you REALLY FOR Pride though, REALLY?" Then we celebrate International Women’s Day this week. “Woman’ or ‘Female’, as I’ve stated in all my Women’s groups past, being an umbrella term for anyone who identifies with the Gender or Sexual identities associated with being Female or a Woman. As so many minorities groups under that umbrella each step up and speak for their unique group's position to be seen and heard this week, every single person who identifies as Female in every single one of those groups deserves to be seen, heard and celebrated today. It can be easy, when we start highlighting such needs and differences to start to get lost in the divide over who is not honouring that and who's needs should take greater priority. Without any intention of "bypass", I think the challenge is to also remember what unites us under that one umbrella of identifying us Woman and celbrate that too. How do we both celebrate and honour all that it means in this day and age to identify with being a Woman? Just my one perspective, of many. Do with it what you will, but please promise me you'll be kind. Big love to everyone who identifies as LGBTIQ plus out there or as an ally and to ALL Women on International Women’s Day. May you be free to celebrate whatever it is that makes you, YOU. Until next time, have fun take care and may you and life continue to be amazing. Nat xxA belated Happy New Year to you world. It's been a summer of letting go and realigning, book writing, retail, the beach and having an absolute ball being back amongst more performing artsy things. But it's been awhile, so thought it was time to write a blog and here it is and here we go, "going there" again.....xx If we want to be able to most effectively be present with and create psychological safety for others, we first need to be able to be present with and manage the discomfort and trauma within ourselves. But what does it take to most effectively do that?
But more than that, why do we also need to? First, Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are apparently more common than we might think. Depending on who is doing the study, where and with whom, there can be quite some variation in estimates of the prevalence of anxiety, stress, trauma and PTSD. But that being said, according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, it is estimated that 75% of Australian adults have experienced a traumatic event at some point in their life. I reckon we could pretty much upgrade that to 100% given the last few years of global pandemic shenanigans, climate emergency...and unless any of you have mastered immortality ahead of me, at some point that will definitely upgrade to 100%. But in all seriousness, it is also estimated that 5-10-% will, unfortunately, develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from their experience. The estimate of those experiencing PTSD is also thought to be an underestimate, But the point is, that is A LOT of people who, at some point in time, experience their sense of physical and or psychological safety being compromised by anxious thoughts, intrusive, painful memories, or physical symptoms of hyper-arousal. Particularly prior to any one of those individuals being in social situations, having challenging personal conversations requiring them to speak up about what they want or to assert themselves; the kind that can set off any number of our triggers, when we have unresolved trauma. Let alone in association with professional activities that involve getting in front of groups and can trigger such things. Prince Harry’s recent autobiography (which I was super curious to listen to, Harry and William, and myself, all sharing the unfortunate plight of having grown up mostly without Mum’s from a young age) among many other important things, openly discusses his personal experience of both childhood trauma and PTSD, how they came to impact his professional engagements at times and what support he sort out for this. Classes (and a whole lot of “Papp” stalkers) apart, many of his and my experiences of how they can impact us, are strikingly similar, as well as individually nuanced. But what I hope this adequately demonstrates is that anxiety and PTSD don’t discriminate based on class, or social status and they’re not just a problem for people returning from war. If each person’s experience of anxiety and trauma is unique and requires a customised approach to address it, they’re also a universal human problem. And Harry and Megan's recent joint disclosures of their respective experiences of trauma just kindly opened up another very public window of opportunity for discussion of such things for a huge percentage of the media and technologically connected human population. Yet how many of us could say with certainty that we know how to reestablish our own inner perception of psychological safety, following stressful times, let alone following traumatic events? Plus how to re-regulate our nervous systems, heal trauma and get our lives back after such times? As well as how to re-regulate our nervous systems prior to engaging in stress-inducing personal, social and professional communication activities? Before we’re now being asked, in professional or relational contexts, to show up and provide psychological safety (eg hold space) for others? First I think we actually need to better understand what psychological safety actually is. Unlike what you might also be seeing on the front page of Google, psychological safety isn’t and never really was ONLY about making it comfortable for others to engage and contribute in team organisational settings. What Google calls psychological safety, are actually the benefits of what team psychological safety DOES when applied in group settings. How I've defined it in my book on the subject: Psychological safety, at the most basic individual level, is the combination of the physical state of feeling safe and physically at ease within oneself, combined with the perception by any given individual that they are safe in their surrounds and safe in the presence of others that they’re surrounded with to be them, warts and all, and grow into their highest potential. It then entails a level of trust that they are then safe to engage in tasks of daily life, as well as to engage optimally with others, as they may be a part of that daily activity, personal or professional. Psychological safety, therefore, is not just an experience that we create for others, in a personal or professional setting. It begins with the state we are creating and embodying within ourselves. A definite component thus in the building of our own sense of psychology safety, needs to be accounting for and addressing all the little and unresolved anxieties and traumas that are compromising this. For some people, at times, this will also involve a level of managing to resolution, any mild to severe trauma and PTSD, or CPTSD too. While creating psychological safety for others is in part, at times, about being able to stay curious about, trying to understand and have compassion for things that we may not have ourselves experienced, when it comes to the kinds of trauma we've experienced for ourselves, if we are to be able to succeed in most effectively being present with something similar in others, we first need to be able to be able to be present with it and manage the reactions to it within ourselves. When it comes to getting support for trauma or PTSD and it's various social and performance related expressions, there is some great support out there. Thankfully, we also collectively know far more now than we did 3 decades ago about what trauma and PTSD or CPTSD is and how to treat, plus actually recover from, not just manage symptoms of trauma as though we a condemned to a life sentence of suffering due to it. (As someone who’s recovered from or had to manage ongoing ‘symptoms’ and ‘triggers’ of multiple traumatic events in early to adult life well known to be contributing factors to both PTSD and CPTSD, and talked to or worked with thousands of people recovering from various types of trauma over the years, from my understanding of the issue, I’d say it doesn’t have to be. A much wider range of professions and specialists, for example; Teachers, Social Workers, Emergency Department and Emergency Services Personnel, Rehabilitative Medicine Specialists, Ear Nose and Throat Surgeons, Speech Pathologists, Gynaecologists and Reproductive and Sexual Health Specialists, Complimentary Medicine Practitioners and many Coaches, Counsellors, Trainers, religious or spiritual Counsellors, Ministers or Advisors and the majority of my past Drama Teachers and Performing Arts Lecturers and Training Colleagues, are often seeing people and having to manage people with signs of trauma, and are often far more knowledgeable than anyone once was about what trauma looks like and how to address it. As just a few examples of a potential many. So it’s easier for people today to find support. But it can still be difficult at times both to know what to ask for when you’re seeking out support and to access a full holistic package of support that will actually get you somewhere substantial when it comes to healing and getting back to living our highest potential in life. In a world where so many people can be biased in trying to sell their wares as “THE way.” While Western medicine often concerns itself with trying to find a research based consistent “one size fits all” solution, that works consistently for everyone, for a specific illness or condition, the reality is that, while some approaches work better than others, and while there are techniques that consistently result in improvement, there is NO one size fits all for trauma, because each person’s experience, and mental architecture of the meaning they've attached to their stories and triggers is often so unique. So, if you want to actually move any given person in the direction of permanent resolution, over pathologizing and sentencing them to applying a bandaid per accident, symptomatic management for life, each treatment program needs to be adapted for the nuance of each individual and will look slightly different. Complex childhood trauma and adult trauma associated with a car accident for one example, will both require different levels of support from the list of interventions that can be utilised below. We also often need to go wider than the scope of Western Mental Health alone. And understand who can help and with what too. A GP will likely prescribe anti anxiety/anti depressant medication, as a means of helping re-regulate the neurochemistry that can often be out of whack in people experiencing anxiety and trauma. A psychologist will often then back it up by teaching you Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to manage your anxious thoughts and the subsequent following emotional reactivity, replacing them with positive affirmations. Plus teach you breathing techniques or other state regulatory techniques and how to monitor your biofeedback to be able to more consciously re-regulate your nervous system when panic or trigger sets in. These are important steps. But it’s still short term symptom management. Why? Having taken Effexor for a year and half in my early 20’s, at which time I was first diagnosed with “Generalised Anxiety Disorder” (once a convenient catch-all label a few decades back, when many a white privileged Western Psychologist was still comparatively clueless about looking for PTSD and trauma in anyone other then Veterans, and, to be fair, I was equally still in a state of denial and ignorance about the severity of some of the things I’d experienced) there was short term benefit in the reprieve of the feeling of calm and the shaving off of the biochemical highs and lows of reactivity I experienced within the first couple of days, that tipped me off to the fact that I had actually been stuck in a state of nervous hyper-arousal for decades by the age of 23, after traumatic event on top of traumatic event. Enough so that I managed to justify the initial sleep disturbances, altered muscle and sexual function and inability to drive or stay out after a certain hour at night, at which point, whether I liked it or not, I would basically go down like a Sundowner. (You don't always read as much about those on the pill-on-tongue Linkedin posts.) Personally, I also eventually stopped taking them because I noticed also, my constant lack of reactivity to human conditions that once upon a time, I intellectually realised I would have had highly empathic, compassionate responses to, and the loss of that empathy felt like too much of a sacrifice on part of the core of who I was. At the same time Counselling Psychologists were also certainly VERY helpful when i needed someone to just talk to and soundboard with. They were also very handy with helping me navigate my own way through relational and family relational challenges, in listening and holding space while I talked about some things I couldn’t talk to others about. And later, I found some great support from them when the past (in the form of people re-entering my present, who I’d co-experienced abuse and trauma with) re-entered my present and I needed to say and do something about it,) they were a needed part of me finding my empowered way to navigate through such early times. But as I stopped taking the anti-depressants, despite the dedicated practice of CBT, the extremes of my reactions to triggers and neural programs for trauma responses came straight back online in certain situations, with the same intensity and I realised just how much they hadn’t done a thing for resolving the actual trauma. The fact that i'm not alone in having observed this is why I regard them as a temporary, bandaid solution at best, while you do the rest of the work required and only a partial source of resolution. And one with sometimes extreme side effects at that. For me personally, it wasn’t until I had myself studied Counselling, including Abuse and Trauma and Grief and Loss Counselling and Child Development & Effective Parenting in my mid to late 20’s and initially started working as a Case Support worker and Case Manager in Community Services, with people with moderate to severe protective concerns, mental health, recovering from addiction, or dealing with "moderate to severe autism spectrum disorders" before I started self identifying things I had a whole lot in common with some of my clients, and realised I had been long been suppressing some pretty significant things. It was when I then started seeing trauma informed Counsellors as my Counselling Supervisors, who were also Bodyworkers trained in Psychosomatic body work, with Teaching and Social Work backgrounds, as well as working with Trauma informed Relationship Coaches, Sexual Educators, Tantra Teachers in particular (also Osteopaths, RMT's, Homeopaths, Naturopaths and TCM Practitioners and Intuitive/Spiritual Healers and Counsellors) that anyone started going there in bringing up the signs of trauma and PTSD that they were seeing IN me. It was many of my Mentors who were among the first I experienced who had any lasting tools and solutions for healing the childhood trauma AND had the internal capacity to stay present with the discomfort of it all, without running or referring out, while I worked on developing the ability to heal, bring myself back online, regulate my nervous system when it got triggered, and reprogram old patterns/neural pathways, into new, more productive habits and responses, in line with my then future goals and personal and professional visions. I also have past Mentors, colleagues and friends who were also plant medicine practitioners and well versed in the new buzz interest of psychedelic assisted therapy for PTSD, who swear by it as a means of assistance. I personally feel because a core part of healing from PTSD and not falling into the hole of this horrible thing that happened to us having no meaning, rhyme or reason, can be reconnecting with faith, spirituality and a sense of purpose and the altered states of consciousness that can be reached assisted by plant medicines can potentially be another tool to aid with this. But I think it’s important to recognise also that, plant medicines are not the ONLY way to reach those states. I’ve had plenty a spiritual breakthrough moment in my journey in which I more spontaneously was reconnected with this part of myself through meditation, mindfulness, Ecstatic Dance, Tantra, Neo Shamanic, Transpersonal or Spiritual healing or Counselling session, or through crisis itself, minus getting served the cup of DMTea (get it?) When it comes to Trauma and reprogramming the neural pathways that have been laid down in the brain, body and nervous system, in response to past traumatic experiences, I’d disagree with the Business Coaches and Success experts of the world who tell you “life and business success is 90% mindset management.” For anyone who’s experienced a trauma flashback or nearly passed out in the middle of a trigger setting off your nervous system, I’d say it’s actually feels like about 80% re-learning Neuro-regulation and reprogramming your responses to triggers when you’re in the depths of reactivity and a panic attack. When you are in a panic or the lower states of the fight flight state, like freeze or dissociation, or you’re hyperventilating, it becomes difficult until after you’ve had time to re-regulate and recover to access higher mental brain functions in those moments. So in those moments, CBT and higher level logic can feel about as useful to us as a screen door in a submarine, compared to a handful of simple, instant things you can do to shift your focus back off of your deteriorating state and out of the past program/loop that was just running on your insides. Which is why I say it feels like 80% learning techniques of Neuro-regulation and practicing implementing your trigger protocols, are far more important in those moments than thinking “positive vibes only” and practicing CBT or NLP positive affirmations. The other “20%” is the work you do outside of triggered moments also on any number of these that may be relevant to the particular kind of trauma in question:
-detox -building up and integrating the support of the microbiome -learning and doing the right kinds of exercise, given the state of one’s nervous system and neurochemistry, and
That’s where we come full circle, back around to the need to provide Psychological Safety for others in the workplace. After over 3 decades of living, researching and working with clients who, underneath all other surface concerns they mentioned, have more often than not been working through some form of trauma, I’ve come to regard ALL of these as just as necessary for making some serious headway on getting back to life as a new, wiser ‘normal’ post trauma, in complement to any number of Western Medicine physical or psychological interventions that may be required over time. This list is of what needs to happen is by no means exhaustive; many Trauma Recoverees, as well as Modality Practitioners will have their extra perspectives to add on "the how" of what modalities or techniques they see as beneficial. To recap, they may or may not also be needed, to lesser degrees, for those who want to be able to better support others in leadership and professional contexts, as well as personal relational contexts. If we want to be able to better do this, at times, we will need to work on ourselves, our own sense of psychological safety and ability to support ourselves. As well as also upskilling in things like Mental Health First Aid, or Psychological Safety training, to be able to better be present with and support others through their trauma related moments of need. You don’t actually need to go spend another 6-8 years at Uni to become a Psychologist or Psychiatrist to be able to better do it and do it well. I’m not one, but over the years, I’ve often worked collaboratively with others to help people make massive qualitative and quantifiable gains of breaking through and getting on with living a new, wiser form of normal and thriving in business, career and creating new, healthier, more fulfilling relationships that have stood the test of time. In addition to being someone who has successfully managed to find a way to get on with life and get back to doing what I love, beyond a whole lot more traumatic stuff than just losing MY Mum, I’m someone who’s studied and or qualified, trauma informed Counselling approaches (including grief and loss and abuse counselling, as well as child development), Performing Arts, Gestalt and Transpersonal Art Therapy, Leadership Coaching and Mentoring, i hold a Science degree that was about 50% Human Biological Science, have studied and been mentored by Mentors qualified in Psychosomatics and Bodywork, as well as Private Practice & Business Development, Branding, Communication, Leadership and Public Speaking. While I was born Christian, I’ve also studied countless different religious and spiritual approaches that are relevant to the spiritual side of recovering from trauma, plus Transpersonal Psychology and Neo-Shamanism. I’ve also been trained in various modalities of Energetic Health, worked as a Reiki Practitioner and spent much time working on my skills as a Spiritual Counsellor and Intuitive Healer, in the process of looking for both my own answers and ones that worked best or most consistently in providing qualitative or quantifiable improvements for clients. And also had the additional benefit of a couple of decades of working in Western Health, Mental Health and Community Services, as well as having benefitted from the exposure to the knowledge of International network of over 20 000 Complimentary Medicine Practitioners I also once helped co-create. On top of a Science degree, i like to think my approach is pretty inclusive of a wide range of different perspectives, critically assessed, well researched and qualitatively as well as quantifiably evidence based. As well as collaborative in working with a network of others to help people create a holistic support system that is right for them personally. I share this because, for as long as I’ve been in my private practice work, given that it took me and many others in the millennial to middle aged bracket, decades later before I or they connected with some of the right support that really made the difference, one of the things I have often long wanted to do, is to help other people who are wanting to step up and thrive in their professional purpose, communication, leadership and relationships of numerous kinds, but are struggling with social or performance anxiety, fear of speaking and speaking up and other vocal or communication issues, and likely a host of health, family, romantic or professional relationship challenges that can unfortunately accompany unresolved trauma, PTSD or CPTSD, get the support they need to shave decades off their own healing experience, more successfully navigate the challenges that come with the territory of admitting to people in one’s personal or professional world that one is experiencing social or performance anxiety, or the negative impact of trauma or some form of PTSD. And most importantly, get on with the important business of thriving in creating a meaningful, purposeful personal and professional life they truly love. Which this year, I’ll be continuing doing a little more of in private practice again, as well as where I can, supporting people to become more knowledgeable and practiced in how to create greater psychological safety for others in personal and professional settings. if you're still with me after all of that and there's any questions that you have or anything that i can do to support you, please don't hesitate to connect with me below. Thanks for reading. Until next time, have fun, take care, may you and life be equally awesome. Nat xxoo It takes a degree of risk and resilience to hold out for our own dreams, over surrendering to retro-fitting ourselves to other peoples, but if we can learn to truly love ourselves, and the ride along the way, it’s worth the wait for our destiny. I heard the statement thrown around more than once this year (and found myself guilty of saying it this year too, at a few times where I was pouring my everything into getting some things off the ground, and feeling like I was just spinning my wheels), that sometimes it just seems to take too long and take too much out of us trying to achieve THE big vision by ourselves. Whatever the vision is. Professional. Personal. Romantic. Whatever. What is it though that is taking too long, is an interesting line of inquiry? Why is that so uncomfortable to sit with? Is it that we want the instant gratification (in our new instant delivery, dopamine hit driven society) of instant wealth, instant fame and followship, instant likes and comments, instant success, results, or testimonials that we can share with the world as social proof of our value? And or confirmation of our worth? Or is it that we’re trying to escape some form of discomfort associated with NOT having any of those things? What do we fear is going to happen if we DON’T achieve those things in record time? Or take this option, or person, now? What do we fear that we might lose? Or who? And why might we have so much resistance to standing out there alone, as the lone sheep, that we'll dive back in to a herd at times, any herd at times, over risking leaving our wooly selves out there, fully exposed, on the way to find, or leading a herd? Once we’re getting to these questions, I think we start to get to the REAL, deeper issues at hand, as they come up for each one of us individually. These are issues that we need to address if we are to build the necessary resilience to stay in long enough to achieve all those independent, TYPE C (as Bob Proctor would call them) bigger picture goals we dream of. The kind we, or maybe no one else we know has achieved before, they’re so BIG. In the interim, it can be tempting, I think, to try and retro-fit ourselves, to existing scenarios, opportunities or more established organisations, in order to seek the real world gains, and faster results, more instantaneously. And or to avoid what we might fear might happen if we go after our BIG thing. Realistically, if we’re to be fair in giving credit to every single person who ever contributed to where we are today, I think we need to acknowledge that it takes a village to raise a Leader, and often a village of collective contributions, to achieve any given one of our successes; personal, professional, or relational. BUT, how do we tell the difference between when we’re following an intuitive urge to collaborate with the right people, to get the job done? Or when we might be starting to compromise a little too far, in order to “retrofit” ourselves to other people’s visions, values, projects, personalities, or lives, out of need, old habit, or mutual convenience? If we are a puzzle piece, looking for our corresponding puzzle, or to be involved in designing one, we have to be true to our form that already is, in order to be able to have our square edges, round curves and holes, fit alongside the complimentary edges, curves and cutout sections of the existing puzzle. Somewhere out there in the universe, there IS a puzzle that’s perfect for us. But as Missy Higgins once sang a song about, we can start to get into trouble when we start trying to cut ourselves up in order to fit, for whatever reason we’ve decided that non-fitting puzzle is the right one, or enough right now to try and retrofit into. Instead of the one we really want, or maybe, ultimately, are destined for. Resentments over not feeling truly met will start to develop over time when we do, as we stuff our own needs, desires, visions or deeper intuitions down and out of site, in order to fit in, in the short term. But inevitably, they will eventually burst out of our chests or mouths, like in some Alien Sci Fi, pushing their own higher "thrive" over "survive" agenda above whatever short term payoffs or gains we’ve been so far getting out of this retrofit scenario. One way or another, in order to live into our truest authenticity and manifest our true higher purpose and potential, at times at which we’re not listening to what it is, in personal, professional or relational scenarios, they have to burst back out of us, in order to get our attention and get us back on track to our higher purpose. Which is why, if we truly want to live our biggest visions, if we truly care to do right by others, and we truly want to create opportunities and relationships that will last the test of time, i think we have got to get really good at, in every single moment that requires it:
in order to help manifest them. But then I’ve been remembering lately, there’s also a very important second part to this, as it relates to staying resilient within the long game that it might take to achieve our big vision, over the course of time. Both through the moments where we can clearly see the puzzle falling into place. But especially through the moments where we can’t see any obvious signs of it coming together, for whatever reason. Psychological, timing of things, or people coming into readiness or alignment. Whatever the reason. At these times, some additional skills seem necessary: 1.Becoming our own best friend, Mentor, biggest fan and encourager The ability to be able to truly befriend the person we see in the mirror every day, and engage in a generous, caring, supportive, encouraging relationship with any given aspect of them that requires our support, in the same way that we might any close friend, romantic partner, family member, professional partner, client, student or mentee in the real world, is essential to our success. Whether someone is, or isn’t available in the external world, to offer us the equivalent form of support. And especially when they aren't. If we either become reliant upon some form of external validation or support for this, or that support is taken away, we can find ourselves with a giant gap in our mindset or positive, supportive internal dialogue, that needs replacement. That dialogue and the mental programs we have installed and running at any given moment, are necessary for staying in alignment with our highest potential and our individual and shared visions. Depending upon whether we hear and listen to the inner voice of higher wisdom, or the voice of our triggers and old mental programs, makes all the difference between whether we stay on course to the realisation of our dreams over time. Or we end up disengaging. And or chasing our shadows and wounds, over our true purpose and associated goals. The most perfect and recent movie example I can think of, of a movie character modelling this kind of inner dialogue out loud, was Captain Pete Mitchell AKA Maverick, in Top Gun Maverick. The next time you watch it, my invitation is to do so this time with an ear open to observing how he talks to himself out loud throughout the practice runs and missions he’s flying himself, not just teaching. You might notice how he’s constantly encouraging, reassuring and performance managing his own mental focus and self talk. The voice of every external party he used to rely on for this kind of reassurance earlier in life, that he no longer has in the external world, he’s now, by this point in time, internalised for himself. And it’s become an undeniable part of what keeps him on track to such intuitively motivated “don’t think, just do” (or in his case as a Teacher, I’d say “don’t think, just BE”) high performance and elite level success and achievement of individual and collectively desired outcomes. Despite whatever anyone else out there has to say about him, his family history, past behaviour, rank, his potential or his performance. Or how much external support he does or doesn't have at any given time. In the real world, for one reason or another, there will be plenty of times that will require of us, especially as we step more and more into leadership, entrepreneurship or true mastery of our craft, in which some of the people we love the most either won’t be coming with us, or won't be able to be there when we need, to give us reassurance, or support, or sing our praises. And there will certainly be times where they won’t be there to be happy or celebrate WITH us, whether through circumstance, or them just not being able to get beyond whatever the stuff they’ve got going on in their OWN heads about us, long enough to be there. From our side, those times can feel very lonely, disappointing and demotivating. Which is precisely WHY I say it’s so essential that we learn to BE the friend, the partner, the parent, the teacher, the mentor we need, for ourselves. 2. Learning to define our own wins and love the journey and all the steps along the way to the visions that we haven't ever achieved yet While it is essential to get clear what our big goals are, make a clear decision to go after them, and a clear course of actions and tasks that will help progress us in this direction, I think it’s also essential that we both get ok with acknowledging and defining our own measures of progress and success along the way (no matter what anyone else thinks of our speed, or progress, or what external performance criteria we're shooting for.) And also that we learn to really love, be fully present in and enjoy all the 'moments' along the way. That we not stop doing smaller things we love along the way to the bigger goals and find ways to enjoy some of the foundational or learning tasks we have to do first, along the way to creating them. Having pulled a partial career change, or rather hybridisation this year, after a decade of focusing often on what it takes to succeed in confidently putting yourself, your voice, your wisdom and your message out there as a Professional, Entrepreneur or Thought Leader or Influencer (not to mention to achieve success in marketing, sales and private and 6-7 figure practice or health or human service based small business), with a few other health, NFP or retail pursuits (and or recent bouts of burnout) along the way, and having done a shifting of gears back in the direction of paid professional creative and performing arts pursuits this last year, plus, in some ways, having dropped back to being a “Rook” in skill areas I hadn’t yet developed, this one has been especially prevalent in my mind this year. Especially in light of the constant stream of competitive rejections at times based on the one same line of “unfortunately we had many applicants with more direct arts industry experience.” As it comes to our discussion about retrofitting, there could of course also be a message within that about the nature of 'rejection being a form of protection.' BUT, if I were to base my self worth, assessment of achievements and progress ONLY on some of this external feedback, based on what they could see in that moment, I might think I was sh$% and had had a pretty sh%tty year. YET, if I look at it based on MY terms of analysis, I’ve achieved at least 3 of my own personal performing arts, training or personal growth related goals this year and hence successfully arrived at the base camp of my own personal Mount Everest for those, this year. Financially it also was a pretty disastrous year for both my savings and my budget to accompany a working Visa. But in my own self talk dialogue, I’ve been telling myself that I’m so freaking proud of myself for going after the opportunities and kicking these goals and constantly reminding and reassuring myself (as I rehab some abilities and bring online for the first time others) that I KNOW I’m outstanding at the things I’m feeling the call to do, even if I don’t yet have all the recent external social/showreel proof style evidence to again back that up. There’s still time and I’ll get there. And I’m certain of this. I also choose to remind myself that, in an aligned universe, I'm seeking my “right fit” other puzzle pieces, as much as they’re seeking me. That’s the self talk, self nurturing part. And there’s the part where I’ve given myself permission to just enjoy the hell out of whatever steps and activities I’m engaging in along the way. Whether there were THE thing. Or smaller puzzle sections, on the way to completing the bigger one. Whether it was working at NIDA, painting, or singing a song for live or online sharing, whether it’s working performing arts events, submitting for parts, writing down a story idea for a script, running lines or reading in my lounge room, or living vicariously through and writing random encouraging comments to A listers, who’ve we've publicly watched put in the work and are now getting the rewards for THEIR wins, or selling brands and products I truly believe in, I allowed myself to fully enjoy just being back amongst it, to enjoy being amidst the anticipation of it and to allow the energy of it to fully reignite and come further online within me, unapologetically, regardless of what anyone else does or doesn’t have to say about it. And I’m loving life and am finishing out the year feeling very content that way. Which is why I say, I also think it’s so important for our resilience, that we learn to love the ride and enjoy every single moment on the way to our bigger victories. Especially the ones that we haven’t achieved and seen any real world proof yet that we CAN achieve, beyond the vision in our heads, telling us that it’s possible. 3. Coming back into collaboration from a place of greater authenticity and wholeness Finally, once we’ve BFF’d ourselves, aligned with our truest inner vision and authentic expression of self, practiced trusting in our inner voice of higher wisdom, once we’ve learned to create our sense of joy, success and fulfilment on our own 2 feet along the way, then we’ve created a much cleaner, clearer place from which we can start lining up with our other puzzle pieces and or creating new parts of the puzzle. Now we know with certainty what we really want. Now we’re saying what we REALLY mean to say and talking with others about what is really needed. And now we’re capable of moving at greater speed together, to not overthink and just BE and DO what really needs to be done, to help bring about those bigger picture, really BIG dreams. Individual and shared. Because now the form of "us" as a puzzle piece is really, really clear. So it’s also so much more obvious to others, when they look at and feel into us, where and how we do or don’t fit together. So any time we start trying, but feel like things relationally, personally or professionally, are still not fitting together, or we realise someone might be cutting to “retrofit” on either side, or just not manifesting at all, part of the key is to then bring it back to working on our relationship with our inner selves. And feeling out the shape and layout of the puzzle piece that is “US” again. Separate to whatever everyone else is doing out there, or whatever they needed us to show up as in any given moment. Some food for thought, and something to feel into, as we come to that time of having the available time and space to do our post analysis for the year, and start to feel more fully into who we are now, who we want to be and what we want to do in the year (or years) to come. Whatever the nature of our engagement in 2022, my sincere and heartfelt thanks to you for both you taking the time to read my inner musings and for the journey we’ve shared together in the year that’s been. I really appreciate you. Business wise, i'll be back online as of Mon 9th Jan 2023. Until then, wishing you a happy and safe holiday break and journey into the (Gregorian) New Year. And so much bountiful goodness, health, wealth and happiness in the year to come. Until next time… Nat xx |
WriterActress, Artist, Singer, Coach, Facilitator, Speaker, Writer Nat Ferrier talks about self expression, Women’s Leadership Mindset & communicating with greater confidence, presence & psychological safety. Archives
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