So you had one of those moments recently where life happened....the guy (or girl) rejected you, your colleagues overlooked you, 6000 people in your vicinity are suddenly also doing what you do, your soul purpose SUDDENLY isn't going how it was MEANT to....and then maybe a kind family member jumps on the bandwagon to judge, sorry encourage you....NOW what do you do, to recover your sense of self and confidence in how awesome you are too?
The Self-Recovery Technique: Clear what's NOT you, reconnect with the REAL you
Whenever our focus shoots outside of ourself and we find ourselves suddenly making our sense of self worth dependent on someone else's actions or behaviour in the world, rather than drowning in sea of sorrow and being sorry for all one hasn't done or been able to be, it helps to a) lovingly acknowledge what has happened and give oneself a moment to nurture oneself in that, but then to also try to refocus to b) taking stock of what you DO want and what your true purpose is now and c) what you still have and ARE that you can give thanks for.
For me, this is when i turn my daily self attunement practice into my 7 step self-recovery practice. I reconnect (with the earth, my soul, my higher guidance), I release what's not me in all this, I realign with me and my purpose, I re-affirm what i'm grateful for and recommit to self love/self respect, i request any additional insights i need and then i resume daily action, in line with both my soul purpose and creating a better outcome next time. Those 7 steps in this short process have become my fastest way to re-centre into my sense of self and get my confidence and clarity back in a hurry.
Here's another insight i wanted to let you in on too, if you're not already aware, as to why we can get so rolled in the metaphorical whitewash by this kind of external changes and outcomes.
Enmeshment V's Conscious Connection in our relating...and how that impacts our confidence and sense of self
Enmeshment is a description of a form of relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are highly permeable, undefined and therefore unclear. This happens on energetic and emotional levels in which the people are highly in sync with each other and are impacted by the sensation of the other's emotions. It involves a high level of awareness of the other to the point where it is difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins, or who's tastes, values, preferences, thoughts, feelings, experiences are who's. This pattern has it's origins in our childhood and how we were raised and has been show to develop when.
OR if there is a family history in parenting style of
Enmeshment between a parent and child will often result in over involvement in each other’s lives so that it makes it hard for the child to become independent and aware of one's own identity, plus be responsible for oneself and one's choices. Plus the child becomes dependent upon the external world and those in it for direction as to how to behave or feel and or validation of their choices and self worth. Either the adult then lives out their parents life path, as their own, and or may have difficulty making choices, identifying their feelings and taking responsibility for themselves in adulthood. With this patterning as one's foundation, this child as an adult creates relationships in which they feel responsible for the other and therefore to blame if things don't go to plan, plus left feeling empty and in self doubt if acknowledgement and approval is not provided by the people around them they care about the most.
As an adult child of an enmeshed parent, it is then up to us to take back the power to define our own value and worth, not to mention hand back responsibility to the people around us not reflecting back to us our true worth and how we want to be loved for their possibly shitty behaviour.
How can one then strengthen one's sense of self and confidence in one's own feelings, intuitions, choices and actions over the longer term?
This is where i found both my Coaching training and my Tantra and relationship training brilliant for helping me practice with others the ability to intend to become completely present and attuned to another in pair work and practice lovingly disconnecting as well, and hence navigating the experience of merging with another and bringing ones energy and awareness back to one's clearly contained sense of self. The more competent one becomes in navigating between the two states, the more confident you become in operating in both states, while maintaining a clear sense of who one is and what one needs and desires to experience and the more confidently you can hold your boundaries.
Strengthen your own centre...literally and figuratively
Speaking of holding your boundaries, there is one powerful physical practice one can do that also helps not only build a strong container for one's self to reside in, but also recall all of ones energy and identity (ego and soul) to reside within and that's any physical practice like pilates, yoga, Qi Gong or Tai Chi for example, done with the intention of literally strengthening ones core and psychologically, emotionally and spirituality restoring and grounding ones core sense of self.
Here's a good example of one of my favourite quick yoga workouts for restoring my core sense of self when life has knocked it about a bit....
If you're a Mumma, you might also like to check out my colleague Jen's 28 Day FitBlitz below
Remind yourself why you're awesome & deserve the very best life has to give...until you believe it
Then rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat, at least twice a day.
While it's absolutely beautiful to hear from the world and the people we care about what makes us special and unique and what they love about us, particularly if you grew up with enmeshed parents who bestowed your wins with approval but may have neglected to ask you to self appraise your value and what makes you unique, it's twice as confidence building to create and dictate your own awareness of your value. Are you making time to list daily of what is awesome about you and what awesome things you did? And when you do, are you making time to not only tell yourself that, but allow yourself to really feel and receive your own love and validation, until you truly accept it as your truth? For those people who had absent parents as a child, this practice I've noticed clients react to, at first, a bit like one is getting short changed of the love and validation they desired that they may not have received by doing "this self love thing". Yet its a core life skill for the child (later inner child) to learn that they can't actually HAVE their parents attention 24/7, that sometimes in life they will need to occupy themselves, to self-manage their own wellbeing and self-appraise their own performance and worth, plus set the standard for how they want to be honoured and treated. In which case, this activity can be reframed as something to aspire to and look forward to, that's going to bring one far better experience of life. And as one activity that will help make us more magnetic to everything and everyone in our lives we desire to connect with going forward. A woman (or man) who values his or herself highly and is clear in the sense of who they are , what they love, what they want and what they will and wont stand for is sexy as hell, wouldn't you agree?
SO there you have it for today, 3 ways that you can quickly build your confidence back up when things don't quite go according to plan, so that one can create and experience more of the life we love in future, not to mention, have more to give to the world and touch more people's lives positively, operating from a place of deep self love and, well love in general.
Got questions? Like to know more? Like some support in this area?
Every other talk or video or info evening i've done this for, in some form in the months or a year later, those networking evenings, those webinars on business content, those talks and workshops on womens wellbeing and sexual health all came into being in one form or another. And they all started with me imagining them and living them out in my lounge room, bedroom, the healing space, the office.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.