Q: What's Your "40, No Kids, Now What?" story Nat?
Welcome! And thanks for stopping by.
So What's my "40, no kids, now what" story? My name is Nat Ferrier and, in addition to being (since 2007) a qualified Counsellor (Career, Relationship, Grief and Loss, Abuse and Trauma, Transpersonal Art Therapy) and (2012,2016) a multiply qualified Leadership Coach, part time Singer/Performer and Artist, I am also a Woman without living Biological Kids/Not Biological Mum at 40 by the combination of choice AND circumstance. And i'm actually ok with that.
In fact, at 40, i made a personal recommitment (after making a promise to myself at age 9 and decades of talking to people about passion, purpose and living a life they love) to doubling down on unapologetically doing what i love, letting in MORE love AND refusing to play into the stereotypes and judgements that have often gone with the territory of being single and 40, let alone being both of those AND NOT a Biological Mum by the combination of choice or circumstance. What i'm about to share about my story, to get to the good bit and beyond, why i now do what i do; and how i can help, is not exactly the lightest of stories in places. So a slight warning that it might trigger some readers. But as is a little bit "ME," i will endeavour to inject a little humour too, to help lighten the mood! (Feel free to come and go as you may need.)
Basically, from the moment i was a kid, growing up on farms, raising orphaned lambs and calves, and raising my share of 3 Cabbage Patch babies a week there at one point, in between doing what kids did outdoors in the country and giving the occasional lounge room concert for the fam, I actually always thought, like many other (but not ALL) young girls, i would also inevitably grow up and be a Biological Mum at some point.
By the combination of various circumstances and a cumulative string of thousands of choices, regarding my (at least) 5 non negotiable conditions i needed "life" to meet before i'd be happy to start trying for kids, in reality, as it's turned out, i didn't become a Biological Mum by this point...the path to now become one is not quite totally over, but paved with high risk. And so, for multiple reasons, i decided, with certainty last year, that it felt like the right thing to do (and a MASSIVE relief) to let go of thinking about, worrying about, and putting aspects of career on hold in indecision about whether to go all in again with work, or all in with trying to find a partner with whom to create a tiny human.
But for me, while, yes there was at first, MASSIVE grief about letting go of the biological parent, white picket fence vision, it actually also came with the realisation and acceptance that i also don't feel like i've missed out on the Motherhood experience at all. As i've actually walked a less conventional, less publicly recognised path of Feminine Identity, mothering, nurturing and creativity. One i've actually loved in places and am simultaneously immensely grateful for. If, yes, it also had many elements of....uh...."learning/challenge," and some painful ones to do with family, relationships, attachment styles, recovering from CPTSD and the seeming non permanency of some of these, in decades past.
Ultimately, in the end though, I think my decision was made a little easier in that I've not felt like i've missed out on Mothering, so much as, in hindsight, my role has often been as a kind of a stand-in Nurturer for others, when someone else couldn't be there. And it's certainly NOT that i don't love kids. My heart melts like an ice-cream on a 35 degree (celcius) day, when a 3 year old girl walks up to me at the beach and offers me a lick of their melting ice-cream, or a 3 year old boy looks up at me while he rides in front of me on a scooter. It's just that my role with kids has been a different one, to that of a Biological/Birthing Mum. And, despite the grief about the biological part, i have no regrets and am at peace with the "stand in" part. Firstly....
If you've ever heard of family constellations, you might have a sense that, when one person is lost from a family, everybody has to adjust and pick up some slack, or show up in new ways. I was lucky in that my single Dad did the best he could as a provider working full time, living on a rural property 25km our of town, 3 hours out of Melbourne, and lots of my extended family, neighbours (a few km up the road) and Teachers, tried to help where they could, and for that i will be forever grateful. Others promised my Mother they'd show up and then bailed. It is what it is. It's taken me a few decades to try and, like many kids who've experienced similar things, get out of the habits of appeasing, people pleasing and proving that i'm worthy of belonging, of being chosen and being loved.
Between early primary school and my early 20's, it seemingly looked to some like our life was a prequal rural version of an episode of the Brady Bunch (for me at least), mashed together with, maybe an episode of "Glee" (maybe slightly less scandal) because my daily school life involved a lot of Lead roles in Performing Arts and Performing Arts Awards, along with my lots of A's in all things related to people and health. BUT, unfortunately, intertwined with yet more family illnesses and deaths. Plus, like seemingly over half of other Aussie Women, from primary school onwards, yes, for #metoo, moments spent dodging my own share of abusers and sexual predators, in various aspects of life. Which seemingly compounded and got worse there fore a bit, the more i pursued performing arts, public presence and fame. (for current Victorian State Law, that's all i'll be saying publicly about that.) So YES, I would be one of those people, who had a lot to heal in later life, personally and professional and, full admission, you bet that had played a role in my adult story that is. And why i teach and talk about what i do.
But, back then, by 11 or 12, as the first born and Queen Bee around the house, I found myself choosing to get off the school bus at home more than to the neighbours after school, to get things in order. And REALLY wanting for at least ONE of my younger Brother or I to have the sense of growing up in a "normal, stable" 2 parent scenario. So i did what i could to step in and fill her shoes around the house and to look out for him where i could, while Dad was working, so that he and Dad could have things a little easier. I was fine to do that, given my life over, i would do the same for them again.
By the end of high school, by the time i got into my Performing Arts Degree at one of Victoria's Leading Universities, and fam assured me, after my many questions about it, that they were fine for me to leave home, i went off to do being 18. Yet, already felt at 18, liked i'd lived a lifetime. And like i imagine many Empty Nesters feel, in terms of "what now?" with all the sudden extra space and time away from home and parenting duties!
Other key life events of note in my not biological Mum story...
In my first major, engaged, house-owning relationship in my mid 20's, we were talking, with lit up like Christmas tree faces, about having kids. At one point, while away on holiday, a Lomi Massage Practitioner, put her hands on my belly and asked me if i might be pregnant. I had the feeling i was. My partner was next. I suspect whatever was mentioned next, prompted later that afternoon, a chat between he and I about when and how we would start a family. Given that he had a major, genetic/sports injury related hip replacement operation upcoming though, we mutually decided "wrong time, not yet." So one week i felt like i was pregnant, by the time we were back home 2 weeks later, while out running one day, i noticed that i now felt nothing, just an empty void in my belly... and got my period not long after. (FYI, "Not yet." later changed to "not at all/not like this/not this relationship", based on later circumstance.)
My next long term relationship in my 30's was with a Man 9 years old who already had a child. I loved them both dearly. While we didn't work out, what i learned from this, among many other things, was that being a Step Mum was an experience that felt like a duck to water, second nature for me. (If i could just open up to finding a partner who saw me as enough and an equal, rather than a short term option/point of unsureness, on the way to an actual Biological Mother. There's that "enough" story again.)
The series of attractions and interest that came after, have mostly all been with people people 9-20 years older, who'd already had primary- to teen age kids and didn't necessarily want more.
With one exception. At 35- I was briefly dating and unexpectedly fell pregnant to an already 2 times Dad. Admittedly not one of my finest moments. It happened far too quickly, and quickly revealed itself to be a wound resonant bundle of codependent, CPTSD and attachment wounding. I got weak one lonely night and choose to ignore the red flags. And it seemed like getting me "accidentally" pregnant was his way of trying to speed up the commitment and entrap me into staying, while i wasn't at all sure this had any capacity for longevity. So this one was a mixed bag. While i had said "yes" to sleeping with him and actively co-created every moment of this, i felt all kinds of pissed off (mostly at me, partly at him) because it all ended up feeling kind of manipulative, "rapey" and unwanted. Yet at the same time, i was also, a bit like the average white cheesecloth wearing, florally wreathed pregnancy photo, blissing off my head on pregnancy hormones, and engaging with a transpersonal dialogue with the spirit of this little being too about what this was all about. They told me healing. But they were not here to stay. And then the day came where i went to the clinic for a proper pregnancy test/exam beyond just positive pregnancy tests...with no medical intervention on anyone's part, i start bleeding while i was there, a bloody ball of cells fell out of me later that day, and, well, that was the end of that. And that was that; my second pregnancy experience.
Getting pregnant was actually never my problem. STAYING pregnant, on the other hand, apparently WAS.
At 37 (the age my Mum died of Leukaemia and, at a similar and later age, my Dad started having pre-malignant cancers removed) I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids and found myself face to face with my greatest fears of whether i was going to, in inherited fashion, face their same battles with cancer.
By the time I was 39, all fibroids had increased by a 1/4 to a 3rd in size by then, and we were talking 2 surgeries to prevent the risk of progression to pre/malignancy. Plus, i was struggling with anaemia and low blood oxygen saturation, because the internal ones were causing extremely heavy bleeding; 14 day periods and soaking through the highest absorbency pads and tampons in less than an hour at one point, month after month, after month. No the blood meds didn't help. Just gave my massive migraines. And i vomited up ALL the conceptive pills.
Due to the pandemic, i had a week-to-week, 5 month wait to complete, until surgery number 1 was a go. The 2nd of which, would've been a partial hysterectomy and would've rendered my capacity to carry a pregnancy full term, over, i was told. But would've rendered a growth, with a necrotic, cystic centre, no longer a risk to my health in multiple ways. This came as quite a shock. As i had been quite optimistic i'd still have more time on the biological clock for biological parenting, up until that point. And had delayed grieving the miscarriages as a result.
Thanks to both the pandemic, and the screening process over time, I would have another year yet to contemplate, process, grieve and ready for what that meant. While (with my level of health knowledge and spiritual, faith-based world view), after initial bouts of falling down in hysterical tears in the shower, shortly after, another part of me was like "screw accepting this, i reckon i can win at shrinking this thing, minus needing the second surgery"...which kept getting delayed...and delayed, funnily enough.
In the interim, i'm not kidding you when i say i felt like i was still slowly bleeding to death, month by month, while waiting for surgery 1 though. BUT after it and a few months recovery and readjustment, the first surgery was successful (yay!) in resolving the hypermenorrhea. Then came the 6 month lead up to my next scans, to re-assess surgery number 2.
Healing gains and wins!
The wait gave me some room to get my iron back up, and with a combination of holistic health measures, and my overall level of belief, by my next follow up 6 months later, it turned out, the one remaining fibroid (with almost no blood flow and cystic centre still) had, at least, started instead shrinking back into the uterine wall and the 2nd surgery was cancelled. The prognosis now flipped to, "there'll be risks, but you can keep trying, what are you waiting for, get back on your get pregnant bike!" So for now at least, I'm back to yearly monitoring and seeing if it shrinks further. Hence i, for now, avoided the partial hysterectomy that had been looming over my consciousness prior.
But the initial months of processing sitting in the void of no outcome and the giant hole that opened in my insides about 'the end' of my childbearing years, felt equal to the grieving the loss of my Mum in magnitude, in every way. Grieving both the end of my childbearing years (and then suddenly not). Plus finally grieving the past miscarriages, that i'd, up until that point, optimistically treated (or bypassed?) like an elite sports team star player (e.g. "all good, next game.") I was both happy, yet shocked, to be told instead, that, if the remaining one kept shrinking like this, i'd be fine to attempt to get pregnant. If there would still be risks to the pregnancy. THIS is obviously why i DON'T technically qualify as "involuntarily childless," but is where i have chosen to make a choice.
I was excited about winning at healing. And hey, maybe my story could also then be a motivational poster child for those who are needing inspiration to hang in for another round of treatment or trying, beyond the illness. And i was thrilled with my yet another win for the right-left-right combo of Western, Holistic Health and Faith/Belief based healing. Yet, to be honest, i also felt completely spent and traumatised from what i'd just been through.
My whole perspective and willingness to go through the struggle and risk of birthing children in my 40's, as compared to the greater ease (and blissful ignorance!) of it when i was in my late 20's, has actually changed.
I’m not exactly a backwards person when it comes to identifying or going after what I want in life. (Met in the end with equal love, or not!) But as everyone from GP’s, OBGYN’S, Aunt’s, Neighbours and friends tried to help and Coach me on ways I could still have kids, and independently if i wanted to. As i also recalled the number of generous offers of sperm donation i'd received over the last decade, and remembered why, being a child of a single parent, i was never into the idea of doing it on my own and turned them down. As I scanned my whole body for the desire to go ahead and pursue ANY of those novel options, let alone contemplated my finances pre and post pandemic, I felt a whole lot of hesitation,. AND, despite the fact that i can manifest certain things in life for me and others, with seeming ridiculous ease, YET given that i'd STILL not succeeded in recognising, let alone receiving, my 5 pre-requisite criteria for having kids, I found myself STILL thinking "wrong time, not like this."
If i'm to be totally honest, part of my hesitance is also actually because things have changed globally now too, to 10-20 years ago, and my individual perspective on whether i SHOULD, has changed there too. As someone who also once studied Animal, Environmental, Agricultural AND Human Biological Science during my Science degree, and grew up on farms, there's also the part of me that has still been looking at the latest research on things like climate change, overpopulation, sustainable resource use, species loss and habitat destruction, dropping birth and fertility rates, and aging population statistics, plus the impact of the pandemic....and what exactly we need to do about all that, in the coming decades, to ensure the sustainable future of humanity. Given that there are parts of me that have also been quite content too, having kids in my life in other ways to birthing them, i also had to concede that there was another part of me that now felt like:
"do i really want to risk my health/life trying to carry 'a geriatric pregnancy' (or be with someone who was 'ok' with me taking that risk), when there is already an over-abundance of kids on the planet, with AND without parents, or stable care, that i might later be in a position to help care for instead?" And if i've found fulfilment, in the past, in caring and nurturing in other ways?" And so we come full circle, back to "might there be that other, less conventional way?"
Rising instead into being unapologetically "40, Fecund in other ways, and Freaking Fabulous"
At a more personal level, as I turned 40, and did my post decade analysis, I started to realise that, yes for sure there are things about the past that I wish had've gone differently or I could have done differently. And parts of me definitely had to process all the feels of feeling like i was “failing” at what is often deemed the ultimate feminine pinnacle of white picket fence female success in being a Biological Mum and “having it all,” on a planet with a Pronatalism biased belief system.
But on the other side of feeling all that grief, and putting down all of society’s beliefs, expectations, family, past and future partner’s expectations and dreams, taken on as my own, and as I felt back into me, I realised that I also felt equally fulfilled/no regrets in my role and identity as a kind of “Fill in Mum” instead. Who had often been there to step in when, for whatever reason, others couldn’t be there. In this respect, I’d be open to having a partner again in future who already has kids, or to be a part of the lives of friend's kids. Or to help the village with the care of kids through any number of voluntary or paid professional capacities once more. Not to mention, KEEP looking after the other kind of FUR kids. These things I AM clear about.
More than that, while I absolutely still have a BIG list of things I want to achieve in career and legacy and obviously my "non traditional," journey and history leaves many secretly thinking, but not saying (in words at least, but clearly through action) "yeah, too much" ...and running faster than Jenny could yell after Forest, Forest Gump, to "RUN!" when it comes to the way I’ve lived my life, and what I do with my life on a daily basis now, you know what? I’m actually really proud of my achievements so far:
I dance, I’m rehearsing for more open mic nights, I paint, I write, I walk, i take parts when they come, I do things outdoors I truly love to do. I have close friends I’m deeply grateful for and dearly love, who have stayed with me through thick and thin, and sources of work that I truly love. And a strong connection to spirituality, purpose and my own version of faith. And in that respect, I love and am excited about this new round of the life I’m creating on my own 2 independent feet now. So why would i keep apologising, or shaming, or judging myself as being 'damaged goods' or 'a failure' anymore, for not achieving something that i was maybe never actually MEANT to be, or achieve, in the first place? Especially If 'life' is offering other possibilities NOW?
So I decided it was time to let go of the shame and judgement and get on with embracing my NEW purpose and embracing this NEW version 40.0 of me instead. And some new bold ambitions at that. And, where i can, help other Women and People who are not Biological Parents by choice, chance or circumstance by their late 30's, 40's 50's onwards, to embrace theirs.
Some final thoughts.
For the involuntarily childless or childless by circumstance, and those who (like me) are, maybe unexpectedly, maybe a little of both, who may read this: For the unpleasantries i imagine you've also had to journey along the way (i know, i'm putting that MILDLY for some of you, in moments), please know that, while it can sometimes feel like it, the pain and confusion is NOT permanent. It can and DOES pass. And, in time, you can and I believe WILL find your joy, passion, vitality, creativity, sensuality and a deep sense of renewed purpose and fulfilment again, in bigger and bigger doses over time.....possibly it might come when one feels just frustrated enough with the old, or just curious enough about the new. BUT, in other words, when each decides that they are "ready."
Here though, if you're ready to read is, is also a small piece of tough love. As i first told myself, on my 9th birthday, 2 days after losing Mum, while we all need time to grieve, what or who we lost can not just be replaced like an appliance at Target, there will be moments where we might feel alone, judged and misunderstood in the presence of well-meaning people we love, and most of us will need support in that process at some point, i've come to believe that the only thing more tragic than having to grieve such massive losses, is if we let them rob us of any chance of happiness or truly living and loving again, in the future decades to come. So, on the days where we feel like the best has gone and we'll never love again, those are the moments to let it out. But then ask ourselves if THIS is how we still want to be feeling, 5 or 10 years from now? OR do we want to have succeeded in finding other sources of rich fulfilment, love and purpose again, instead? If there is some small thing that you can start doing today, to help you better understand what future you is doing then, and to bring you one step closer each day to living that reality, what would it be? And when can you get it done? (Sometimes, it's through brushing up HARD against what we DON'T want, that we find the greatest intrinsic motivation to then take action in the direction of what we DO,)
There's a journey map too of what to expect and what support will help you progress through each stage of the journey HERE in the "Mid 30's to Middle Age, No Biological Kids, Now What?" Program Page that you might find useful.
But please know you're NOT alone. There are whole communities of other people who've been through similar things out there too, just waiting to support you when you need. To be those new friends you need. Who you can relate to, and whom you can talk to about what comes next too. Who might even grow into life long friends, work collaborators and who knows what other awesome things in time!
No matter what Not Biological Parent, or Without Kids sub category, or phase of the journey you personally identify with, thank you for the awesome gift that you are to the world, and for all that you're bringing to it now. And might be just starting to comprehend, or explore, what massive joys and benefits you will still be and bring, in the decades to come.
No matter what has gone on in life before, I sincerely believe each of us has the power and freedom to choose to write our own definitions of life success and fulfilment on our own terms. In addition to having the power to choose how we can best be of service. And thus become 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100+ and freaking fabulous, in whatever way works for each of us and those in life that we love and serve. No apologies or justification required.
The question is, if this is my story, how will you write the next chapter of your own?
I KNOW much awesomeness is waiting for you in the world ahead. I look forward to hopefully sharing some of it with you.
And my groups and I are here if you ever feel the need. Feel free to stay in touch.
Until then, thanks so much for reading this story. Kudos to you to making it to THE END. Until next time, have fun, take care.
Big love.
Nat xx
So What's my "40, no kids, now what" story? My name is Nat Ferrier and, in addition to being (since 2007) a qualified Counsellor (Career, Relationship, Grief and Loss, Abuse and Trauma, Transpersonal Art Therapy) and (2012,2016) a multiply qualified Leadership Coach, part time Singer/Performer and Artist, I am also a Woman without living Biological Kids/Not Biological Mum at 40 by the combination of choice AND circumstance. And i'm actually ok with that.
In fact, at 40, i made a personal recommitment (after making a promise to myself at age 9 and decades of talking to people about passion, purpose and living a life they love) to doubling down on unapologetically doing what i love, letting in MORE love AND refusing to play into the stereotypes and judgements that have often gone with the territory of being single and 40, let alone being both of those AND NOT a Biological Mum by the combination of choice or circumstance. What i'm about to share about my story, to get to the good bit and beyond, why i now do what i do; and how i can help, is not exactly the lightest of stories in places. So a slight warning that it might trigger some readers. But as is a little bit "ME," i will endeavour to inject a little humour too, to help lighten the mood! (Feel free to come and go as you may need.)
Basically, from the moment i was a kid, growing up on farms, raising orphaned lambs and calves, and raising my share of 3 Cabbage Patch babies a week there at one point, in between doing what kids did outdoors in the country and giving the occasional lounge room concert for the fam, I actually always thought, like many other (but not ALL) young girls, i would also inevitably grow up and be a Biological Mum at some point.
By the combination of various circumstances and a cumulative string of thousands of choices, regarding my (at least) 5 non negotiable conditions i needed "life" to meet before i'd be happy to start trying for kids, in reality, as it's turned out, i didn't become a Biological Mum by this point...the path to now become one is not quite totally over, but paved with high risk. And so, for multiple reasons, i decided, with certainty last year, that it felt like the right thing to do (and a MASSIVE relief) to let go of thinking about, worrying about, and putting aspects of career on hold in indecision about whether to go all in again with work, or all in with trying to find a partner with whom to create a tiny human.
But for me, while, yes there was at first, MASSIVE grief about letting go of the biological parent, white picket fence vision, it actually also came with the realisation and acceptance that i also don't feel like i've missed out on the Motherhood experience at all. As i've actually walked a less conventional, less publicly recognised path of Feminine Identity, mothering, nurturing and creativity. One i've actually loved in places and am simultaneously immensely grateful for. If, yes, it also had many elements of....uh...."learning/challenge," and some painful ones to do with family, relationships, attachment styles, recovering from CPTSD and the seeming non permanency of some of these, in decades past.
Ultimately, in the end though, I think my decision was made a little easier in that I've not felt like i've missed out on Mothering, so much as, in hindsight, my role has often been as a kind of a stand-in Nurturer for others, when someone else couldn't be there. And it's certainly NOT that i don't love kids. My heart melts like an ice-cream on a 35 degree (celcius) day, when a 3 year old girl walks up to me at the beach and offers me a lick of their melting ice-cream, or a 3 year old boy looks up at me while he rides in front of me on a scooter. It's just that my role with kids has been a different one, to that of a Biological/Birthing Mum. And, despite the grief about the biological part, i have no regrets and am at peace with the "stand in" part. Firstly....
- I was a "fill-in Mum" for my own Mum after she died of Leukaemia when i was 9.
If you've ever heard of family constellations, you might have a sense that, when one person is lost from a family, everybody has to adjust and pick up some slack, or show up in new ways. I was lucky in that my single Dad did the best he could as a provider working full time, living on a rural property 25km our of town, 3 hours out of Melbourne, and lots of my extended family, neighbours (a few km up the road) and Teachers, tried to help where they could, and for that i will be forever grateful. Others promised my Mother they'd show up and then bailed. It is what it is. It's taken me a few decades to try and, like many kids who've experienced similar things, get out of the habits of appeasing, people pleasing and proving that i'm worthy of belonging, of being chosen and being loved.
Between early primary school and my early 20's, it seemingly looked to some like our life was a prequal rural version of an episode of the Brady Bunch (for me at least), mashed together with, maybe an episode of "Glee" (maybe slightly less scandal) because my daily school life involved a lot of Lead roles in Performing Arts and Performing Arts Awards, along with my lots of A's in all things related to people and health. BUT, unfortunately, intertwined with yet more family illnesses and deaths. Plus, like seemingly over half of other Aussie Women, from primary school onwards, yes, for #metoo, moments spent dodging my own share of abusers and sexual predators, in various aspects of life. Which seemingly compounded and got worse there fore a bit, the more i pursued performing arts, public presence and fame. (for current Victorian State Law, that's all i'll be saying publicly about that.) So YES, I would be one of those people, who had a lot to heal in later life, personally and professional and, full admission, you bet that had played a role in my adult story that is. And why i teach and talk about what i do.
But, back then, by 11 or 12, as the first born and Queen Bee around the house, I found myself choosing to get off the school bus at home more than to the neighbours after school, to get things in order. And REALLY wanting for at least ONE of my younger Brother or I to have the sense of growing up in a "normal, stable" 2 parent scenario. So i did what i could to step in and fill her shoes around the house and to look out for him where i could, while Dad was working, so that he and Dad could have things a little easier. I was fine to do that, given my life over, i would do the same for them again.
By the end of high school, by the time i got into my Performing Arts Degree at one of Victoria's Leading Universities, and fam assured me, after my many questions about it, that they were fine for me to leave home, i went off to do being 18. Yet, already felt at 18, liked i'd lived a lifetime. And like i imagine many Empty Nesters feel, in terms of "what now?" with all the sudden extra space and time away from home and parenting duties!
Other key life events of note in my not biological Mum story...
- I was also constantly Mentoring younger kids in high school and in the Performing Arts realm.
- In my mid 20's to early 30's, I worked with kids in paid and voluntary capacities while working as a Case Manager and Family Support Worker in Community Services and running occasional Art Therapy workshops through my Private Practice, after studying a Diploma of Professional Counselling (with further study in Child Development and Effective Parenting, Grief and Loss, Abuse and Trauma Counselling, Career and Relationship Counselling), Leadership Coaching and Transpersonal Art Therapy.
- I also studied a Bachelor of Science (Animal/Biological Science) in my 20's, which included much study of environmental science, Zoology and Agriculture, as well as Human Biological Science, in addition to the chats i grew up with about social work, civil engineering, farming, town planning and sustainability. Which has influenced my bigger picture world view of the global state of play for people and and the planet also.
- I have been pregnant, but miscarried, twice
In my first major, engaged, house-owning relationship in my mid 20's, we were talking, with lit up like Christmas tree faces, about having kids. At one point, while away on holiday, a Lomi Massage Practitioner, put her hands on my belly and asked me if i might be pregnant. I had the feeling i was. My partner was next. I suspect whatever was mentioned next, prompted later that afternoon, a chat between he and I about when and how we would start a family. Given that he had a major, genetic/sports injury related hip replacement operation upcoming though, we mutually decided "wrong time, not yet." So one week i felt like i was pregnant, by the time we were back home 2 weeks later, while out running one day, i noticed that i now felt nothing, just an empty void in my belly... and got my period not long after. (FYI, "Not yet." later changed to "not at all/not like this/not this relationship", based on later circumstance.)
- Then there's the era of being a kind of Step Mum
My next long term relationship in my 30's was with a Man 9 years old who already had a child. I loved them both dearly. While we didn't work out, what i learned from this, among many other things, was that being a Step Mum was an experience that felt like a duck to water, second nature for me. (If i could just open up to finding a partner who saw me as enough and an equal, rather than a short term option/point of unsureness, on the way to an actual Biological Mother. There's that "enough" story again.)
The series of attractions and interest that came after, have mostly all been with people people 9-20 years older, who'd already had primary- to teen age kids and didn't necessarily want more.
With one exception. At 35- I was briefly dating and unexpectedly fell pregnant to an already 2 times Dad. Admittedly not one of my finest moments. It happened far too quickly, and quickly revealed itself to be a wound resonant bundle of codependent, CPTSD and attachment wounding. I got weak one lonely night and choose to ignore the red flags. And it seemed like getting me "accidentally" pregnant was his way of trying to speed up the commitment and entrap me into staying, while i wasn't at all sure this had any capacity for longevity. So this one was a mixed bag. While i had said "yes" to sleeping with him and actively co-created every moment of this, i felt all kinds of pissed off (mostly at me, partly at him) because it all ended up feeling kind of manipulative, "rapey" and unwanted. Yet at the same time, i was also, a bit like the average white cheesecloth wearing, florally wreathed pregnancy photo, blissing off my head on pregnancy hormones, and engaging with a transpersonal dialogue with the spirit of this little being too about what this was all about. They told me healing. But they were not here to stay. And then the day came where i went to the clinic for a proper pregnancy test/exam beyond just positive pregnancy tests...with no medical intervention on anyone's part, i start bleeding while i was there, a bloody ball of cells fell out of me later that day, and, well, that was the end of that. And that was that; my second pregnancy experience.
Getting pregnant was actually never my problem. STAYING pregnant, on the other hand, apparently WAS.
- Then came the era at age 37, to present, of Major Reproductive Health Issues, Surgeries and Proposed Partial Hysterectomies.
At 37 (the age my Mum died of Leukaemia and, at a similar and later age, my Dad started having pre-malignant cancers removed) I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids and found myself face to face with my greatest fears of whether i was going to, in inherited fashion, face their same battles with cancer.
By the time I was 39, all fibroids had increased by a 1/4 to a 3rd in size by then, and we were talking 2 surgeries to prevent the risk of progression to pre/malignancy. Plus, i was struggling with anaemia and low blood oxygen saturation, because the internal ones were causing extremely heavy bleeding; 14 day periods and soaking through the highest absorbency pads and tampons in less than an hour at one point, month after month, after month. No the blood meds didn't help. Just gave my massive migraines. And i vomited up ALL the conceptive pills.
Due to the pandemic, i had a week-to-week, 5 month wait to complete, until surgery number 1 was a go. The 2nd of which, would've been a partial hysterectomy and would've rendered my capacity to carry a pregnancy full term, over, i was told. But would've rendered a growth, with a necrotic, cystic centre, no longer a risk to my health in multiple ways. This came as quite a shock. As i had been quite optimistic i'd still have more time on the biological clock for biological parenting, up until that point. And had delayed grieving the miscarriages as a result.
Thanks to both the pandemic, and the screening process over time, I would have another year yet to contemplate, process, grieve and ready for what that meant. While (with my level of health knowledge and spiritual, faith-based world view), after initial bouts of falling down in hysterical tears in the shower, shortly after, another part of me was like "screw accepting this, i reckon i can win at shrinking this thing, minus needing the second surgery"...which kept getting delayed...and delayed, funnily enough.
In the interim, i'm not kidding you when i say i felt like i was still slowly bleeding to death, month by month, while waiting for surgery 1 though. BUT after it and a few months recovery and readjustment, the first surgery was successful (yay!) in resolving the hypermenorrhea. Then came the 6 month lead up to my next scans, to re-assess surgery number 2.
Healing gains and wins!
The wait gave me some room to get my iron back up, and with a combination of holistic health measures, and my overall level of belief, by my next follow up 6 months later, it turned out, the one remaining fibroid (with almost no blood flow and cystic centre still) had, at least, started instead shrinking back into the uterine wall and the 2nd surgery was cancelled. The prognosis now flipped to, "there'll be risks, but you can keep trying, what are you waiting for, get back on your get pregnant bike!" So for now at least, I'm back to yearly monitoring and seeing if it shrinks further. Hence i, for now, avoided the partial hysterectomy that had been looming over my consciousness prior.
But the initial months of processing sitting in the void of no outcome and the giant hole that opened in my insides about 'the end' of my childbearing years, felt equal to the grieving the loss of my Mum in magnitude, in every way. Grieving both the end of my childbearing years (and then suddenly not). Plus finally grieving the past miscarriages, that i'd, up until that point, optimistically treated (or bypassed?) like an elite sports team star player (e.g. "all good, next game.") I was both happy, yet shocked, to be told instead, that, if the remaining one kept shrinking like this, i'd be fine to attempt to get pregnant. If there would still be risks to the pregnancy. THIS is obviously why i DON'T technically qualify as "involuntarily childless," but is where i have chosen to make a choice.
- My perspective and willingness to try again had changed, in light of recent experiences and current circumstances
I was excited about winning at healing. And hey, maybe my story could also then be a motivational poster child for those who are needing inspiration to hang in for another round of treatment or trying, beyond the illness. And i was thrilled with my yet another win for the right-left-right combo of Western, Holistic Health and Faith/Belief based healing. Yet, to be honest, i also felt completely spent and traumatised from what i'd just been through.
- after almost a year of talking about high risk pregnancy scenarios with fibroids (because that's not anxiety provoking AT ALL for someone who spent 31 years on the planet living with the memory of the death of a parent in childhood?)
- the deadly virus
- navigating dating profiles, trying to work out how exactly to explain my situation online, let alone in person, to partners who still potentially needed a functional uterus to fulfil a dream i was now in total doubt if i could deliver on (and could i handle it if they left me for a more functional uterus?), let alone how to explain my situation to existing parents, or people who didn't want kids. Plus
- with the cumulative fatigue of dealing with other life circumstances i wont go into in the decade prior
- the fact that I’d only JUST started to feel well, vital and resilient again
My whole perspective and willingness to go through the struggle and risk of birthing children in my 40's, as compared to the greater ease (and blissful ignorance!) of it when i was in my late 20's, has actually changed.
I’m not exactly a backwards person when it comes to identifying or going after what I want in life. (Met in the end with equal love, or not!) But as everyone from GP’s, OBGYN’S, Aunt’s, Neighbours and friends tried to help and Coach me on ways I could still have kids, and independently if i wanted to. As i also recalled the number of generous offers of sperm donation i'd received over the last decade, and remembered why, being a child of a single parent, i was never into the idea of doing it on my own and turned them down. As I scanned my whole body for the desire to go ahead and pursue ANY of those novel options, let alone contemplated my finances pre and post pandemic, I felt a whole lot of hesitation,. AND, despite the fact that i can manifest certain things in life for me and others, with seeming ridiculous ease, YET given that i'd STILL not succeeded in recognising, let alone receiving, my 5 pre-requisite criteria for having kids, I found myself STILL thinking "wrong time, not like this."
- And, add onto that, a global Perspective on the sustainable future of humanity...
If i'm to be totally honest, part of my hesitance is also actually because things have changed globally now too, to 10-20 years ago, and my individual perspective on whether i SHOULD, has changed there too. As someone who also once studied Animal, Environmental, Agricultural AND Human Biological Science during my Science degree, and grew up on farms, there's also the part of me that has still been looking at the latest research on things like climate change, overpopulation, sustainable resource use, species loss and habitat destruction, dropping birth and fertility rates, and aging population statistics, plus the impact of the pandemic....and what exactly we need to do about all that, in the coming decades, to ensure the sustainable future of humanity. Given that there are parts of me that have also been quite content too, having kids in my life in other ways to birthing them, i also had to concede that there was another part of me that now felt like:
"do i really want to risk my health/life trying to carry 'a geriatric pregnancy' (or be with someone who was 'ok' with me taking that risk), when there is already an over-abundance of kids on the planet, with AND without parents, or stable care, that i might later be in a position to help care for instead?" And if i've found fulfilment, in the past, in caring and nurturing in other ways?" And so we come full circle, back to "might there be that other, less conventional way?"
Rising instead into being unapologetically "40, Fecund in other ways, and Freaking Fabulous"
At a more personal level, as I turned 40, and did my post decade analysis, I started to realise that, yes for sure there are things about the past that I wish had've gone differently or I could have done differently. And parts of me definitely had to process all the feels of feeling like i was “failing” at what is often deemed the ultimate feminine pinnacle of white picket fence female success in being a Biological Mum and “having it all,” on a planet with a Pronatalism biased belief system.
But on the other side of feeling all that grief, and putting down all of society’s beliefs, expectations, family, past and future partner’s expectations and dreams, taken on as my own, and as I felt back into me, I realised that I also felt equally fulfilled/no regrets in my role and identity as a kind of “Fill in Mum” instead. Who had often been there to step in when, for whatever reason, others couldn’t be there. In this respect, I’d be open to having a partner again in future who already has kids, or to be a part of the lives of friend's kids. Or to help the village with the care of kids through any number of voluntary or paid professional capacities once more. Not to mention, KEEP looking after the other kind of FUR kids. These things I AM clear about.
More than that, while I absolutely still have a BIG list of things I want to achieve in career and legacy and obviously my "non traditional," journey and history leaves many secretly thinking, but not saying (in words at least, but clearly through action) "yeah, too much" ...and running faster than Jenny could yell after Forest, Forest Gump, to "RUN!" when it comes to the way I’ve lived my life, and what I do with my life on a daily basis now, you know what? I’m actually really proud of my achievements so far:
- of having lived all 5 of my ideal career paths by 40 and
- having so many times had the courage to pursue the people, or opportunities I’ve loved and felt called to. (No matter how it went in the end.)
- I’ve had the chance to go on some amazing adventures
- I first achieved total financial independence, living off investments for a while at 25 and later again working in my own business in the earlier parts of my 30's (pre illness and pandemic!)
- have worked with some amazing companies
- been Mentored by some amazing people
- have helped bring together over 20 000 upcoming Leaders who are committed to making a positive impact in the world and
- been lucky to have Coached and Mentored thousands of Helping Professionals and Entrepreneurs to help them find their gifts and get the support they needed to confidently put themselves out there.
- I’ve run my share of humble personal development and Women’s Leadership, networking and Public Speaking Practice events over the years, and if the testimonials on my praise page are any indication, I must have been doing something right in all that?!
- And now a support space for other Women who are also finding their way in their 30's-50's without kids.
I dance, I’m rehearsing for more open mic nights, I paint, I write, I walk, i take parts when they come, I do things outdoors I truly love to do. I have close friends I’m deeply grateful for and dearly love, who have stayed with me through thick and thin, and sources of work that I truly love. And a strong connection to spirituality, purpose and my own version of faith. And in that respect, I love and am excited about this new round of the life I’m creating on my own 2 independent feet now. So why would i keep apologising, or shaming, or judging myself as being 'damaged goods' or 'a failure' anymore, for not achieving something that i was maybe never actually MEANT to be, or achieve, in the first place? Especially If 'life' is offering other possibilities NOW?
So I decided it was time to let go of the shame and judgement and get on with embracing my NEW purpose and embracing this NEW version 40.0 of me instead. And some new bold ambitions at that. And, where i can, help other Women and People who are not Biological Parents by choice, chance or circumstance by their late 30's, 40's 50's onwards, to embrace theirs.
Some final thoughts.
For the involuntarily childless or childless by circumstance, and those who (like me) are, maybe unexpectedly, maybe a little of both, who may read this: For the unpleasantries i imagine you've also had to journey along the way (i know, i'm putting that MILDLY for some of you, in moments), please know that, while it can sometimes feel like it, the pain and confusion is NOT permanent. It can and DOES pass. And, in time, you can and I believe WILL find your joy, passion, vitality, creativity, sensuality and a deep sense of renewed purpose and fulfilment again, in bigger and bigger doses over time.....possibly it might come when one feels just frustrated enough with the old, or just curious enough about the new. BUT, in other words, when each decides that they are "ready."
Here though, if you're ready to read is, is also a small piece of tough love. As i first told myself, on my 9th birthday, 2 days after losing Mum, while we all need time to grieve, what or who we lost can not just be replaced like an appliance at Target, there will be moments where we might feel alone, judged and misunderstood in the presence of well-meaning people we love, and most of us will need support in that process at some point, i've come to believe that the only thing more tragic than having to grieve such massive losses, is if we let them rob us of any chance of happiness or truly living and loving again, in the future decades to come. So, on the days where we feel like the best has gone and we'll never love again, those are the moments to let it out. But then ask ourselves if THIS is how we still want to be feeling, 5 or 10 years from now? OR do we want to have succeeded in finding other sources of rich fulfilment, love and purpose again, instead? If there is some small thing that you can start doing today, to help you better understand what future you is doing then, and to bring you one step closer each day to living that reality, what would it be? And when can you get it done? (Sometimes, it's through brushing up HARD against what we DON'T want, that we find the greatest intrinsic motivation to then take action in the direction of what we DO,)
There's a journey map too of what to expect and what support will help you progress through each stage of the journey HERE in the "Mid 30's to Middle Age, No Biological Kids, Now What?" Program Page that you might find useful.
But please know you're NOT alone. There are whole communities of other people who've been through similar things out there too, just waiting to support you when you need. To be those new friends you need. Who you can relate to, and whom you can talk to about what comes next too. Who might even grow into life long friends, work collaborators and who knows what other awesome things in time!
No matter what Not Biological Parent, or Without Kids sub category, or phase of the journey you personally identify with, thank you for the awesome gift that you are to the world, and for all that you're bringing to it now. And might be just starting to comprehend, or explore, what massive joys and benefits you will still be and bring, in the decades to come.
No matter what has gone on in life before, I sincerely believe each of us has the power and freedom to choose to write our own definitions of life success and fulfilment on our own terms. In addition to having the power to choose how we can best be of service. And thus become 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100+ and freaking fabulous, in whatever way works for each of us and those in life that we love and serve. No apologies or justification required.
The question is, if this is my story, how will you write the next chapter of your own?
I KNOW much awesomeness is waiting for you in the world ahead. I look forward to hopefully sharing some of it with you.
And my groups and I are here if you ever feel the need. Feel free to stay in touch.
Until then, thanks so much for reading this story. Kudos to you to making it to THE END. Until next time, have fun, take care.
Big love.
Nat xx