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Thoughts from the
Nativerse |
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 Content warning: this blog references stories and themes relating to mental health, physical and sexual assault and suicide that may be distressing for some readers. If you are struggling with any of these, please reach out to a trained professional on Lifeline on 13 11 14, or on the Better Help online network for support. I think this is an important question to consider, for all of us who run, attend or participate in any form of performing arts events. But first I think it’s really important to take a pause and come back to WHY we do any of this. (Or at least why I and some of my Teachers did, or do.) Beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of my greatest joys and privileges in this lifetime, as well as one of the greatest sources of growth and purpose throughout my entire life has been to be able to be a part, any part, of Arts events and spaces. Whether Drama, Dance, Media Arts, Music or Visual Arts classes and education, the creation and writing of the art, music, television and film, or the provision of support with the production and running of such events and creations. I’ve grown to have such a deep appreciation and reverence of the growth, healing and transformation that can occur within such spaces and hence the power and value of them. As someone who grew up an A+ overachiever and a trained Leadership Coach and Mentor of years past, I also have an appreciation too of the connection, empowerment and the growth that can come from competitive events, when we hold them, (a bit like the Amazons in the movie Wonder Woman) with that Sisterly, Brotherly, collaborative spirit of challenging and encouraging each other to be our best. Where, if our competitor trips on the stairs, we help them up and both keep going. Where we practice vicariously taking delight and deriving joy from celebrating the wins of others WITH them. And choose to examine our moments of falling short as growth opportunities. I’ve come to see such events too, as a place also, not just where we may run into the “threat” of our “competitors,” in the Zero-Sum war games, of competing for the ultimate placement and acquisition of status. Not to mention a training ground for how to navigate life. But where we may actually also, meet our future soul mate BFF’s, life partners, business partners, employers, or future teachers. And a community to which people can feel like they really belong. Part of my appreciation of that kind of space, is also the direct result of having had some truly incredible Mentors over the course of my lifetime, who role modelled that kind of behaviour and held that kind of intent and energy, in the spaces that they created for us. From high school, through my private practice journey, through to my time working with NIDA Corporate, to my Events Management, Theatre or Television work now, I’ve been very fortunate that life has connected me over time, with some amazing people, who mirrored back to me the way that I want to catalyse positive growth, hold space and lead, as much as create art, live events, film and television that both entertains, tells stories and communicates important messages, in a way that genuinely makes a difference in the world. Some of whom, also held some very loving and supportive spaces, that catalysed and allowed me to achieve a remarkable amount of healing during some of my darkest moments in life, that I also have such a profound appreciation now, of the value too of the Arts as Therapy. This too has become a huge part of my WHY. (Feel free to skip the backstory to come if you already know me well). While my Mum was a Ballerina up until (like many) an injury young, I didn’t discover the power and the magic of dance (or visual art) until a bit later in my Performing Arts journey. But in my life journey, it’s not an over-exaggeration to say that the Performing Arts spaces I had access to in my teens, literally felt like my salvation, and gave me hope and purpose, through some very dark times. After my Mums battle with Leukaemia, to which we lost her when I was 9 and my Brother was 6, we continued living with my hard-working Single Dad in a beautiful patch of remote country Victoria very close to the 90 mile Beach, a bit less than 10 mins drive from the nearest general store, 25km out of town, an hour from any regional centre and 3 hours from Melbourne. It was a beautiful place, and we were lucky to have great neighbourly support, while much of family lived 3+ hours away. It also seemed that academically, and in the Performing Arts, I was destined to be a high achiever. And if not that, at multi-tasking in the way that many actual Mums, as well as "surrogate" or "fill in Mums" often do at home. People asked, but no-one really had to ask me to step into taking on running things at home when Dad was working full time an hour away. Besides, I felt like I was capable enough that I could do some things myself and give the Neighbours a break from babysitting. To me, I just did what you do in such circumstances and did my best to fill the literally bigger than my actual shoe size set of shoes my Mum left to fill, while also trying to just be a kid at others. But I struggled HARD psychologically with feeling very alone during that time. Years 7-9 and 12 were the darkest. My bro and my Dad had something that I just never quite felt like I belonged to with equal depth or relatability, and sometimes we just spoke different languages and ended up at odds, for reasons I couldn't quite understand. I missed my Mum’s words of affirmation and physical affection like you would not believe. Plus, after changing schools mid primary school, after I was on the receiving end of a pretty nasty group physical and sexual assault with my then friend group (one that got the boy who lead it AND I both moved to separate schools. Only for us to be put back together, and him to ask me out, in year 7.) After that and with Mum’s ongoing illness and then passing, I struggled with coming closer to other kids again in friendships and social groups. Mainly because I knew what I was dealing with was A LOT, and no one really knew what to do with it. SO for a while, I just politely declined a lot of requests to connect, so that I could release others from the burden of having to try, and me feeling guilty for being such a burden. And, given how much my Dad was already giving and dealing with, I made a choice too, to NOT burden him with a lot of the things I was dealing with too, unless I absolutely had to, because I figured he was already dealing with so much. And if it wasn’t that, between grade 5 and year 7-8, it was the bullying and push-back against some of the ‘too-old-for-my-age’ perspectives I had to offer back in response to teenage bitchy, judgy behaviour. And if I swung back the other way into being abusive, or inconsiderate at any point, what friend groups I did have, were quick to threaten eviction during that time, “because I knew better than to lower myself to behaving like that.” So I was fast learning lessons about what you can and can’t do and say, as well as learning hard life lessons about assertiveness and hitting bullies back (at school, at home and amidst a culture with an ever-present threat of predation upon teenage girls, from parties known and unknowns alike after hours…that I often felt like there was NO place anymore without Mum (or staying with Grandparents, the neighbours or family 3+ hours elsewhere) that I felt truly safe in life. I had a lot of panic attacks about such things over time. Plus I felt like I belonged nowhere. My other favourite outlets though (in addition to outdoorsy activities, time with the dog, our cat and my horse), were piano and singing. While I often smashed it on my Piano assessments up until about level 7, how my anxiety impacted my performance at Eisteddfods I think lead me to think I wasn’t really good enough at Piano to justify continuing studying music in high school, or competing. Plus I didn’t really connect with the Music or other Visual Arts Teachers at that time either, that I got pushed to try. And beyond the odd workshop in primary school, we didn’t really even have Dance Teachers on my side of the shire, as far as I was aware. So while I’ve since come to work out I’m not totally crap at those things after all, I came back to and discovered how much I got out of them of my own accord later in life. But back then, I REALLY found a place to step beyond my comfort zone (and a space I loved) in Year 7 Drama classes. So the gap we had with no Drama Teacher, between the end of that year, and about the second term of my year 9, just happened to coincide with one REALLY dark time in my history. One in which I was both running off the rails academically (eg A’s became B’s and C’s), getting suspended for disobeying direct orders (while protesting being asked to take responsibility for things that other kids broke), and dare I say it, at times, I was seriously contemplating both suicide and leaving home (and taking my little Bro with me if he wanted to come) in equal measure. Until mid year 9, a Married Couple of 30 year olds, one an Art Teacher/Dancer and the other, an Actor/Drama Teacher with equal interests also to my own in both Media Arts AND Psychology, transferred to our high school. The two of them were/are remarkable standouts both in how great they are at what they both do, and were remarkable at how they related with kids of all ages, so that many people adored them. But for some reason that to this day, I will never understand, of all people, they decided to make me and my little Brother their business. And through both the Drama classes that he held and the yearly musical school production spaces that they co-created, I truly found myself in so many ways. In the depth of Method and Stanislavskian methodologies, I found depth of self connection. In singing, and the storylines explored, I found expression, understanding and release of so much inner angst. And I found freedom and safety to just be me, and yet constant challenge to be my absolute best, in that academic space. And also, so much of their approach was more like Drama Therapy. My Dad sometimes had a lot of concerns about the role choices my Teachers and I made, as “always casting me as the Victim” (which felt rather paradoxical to me, coming from someone who was still hitting me, until I started hitting back, at around age 14.) Plus, there were running jokes in classes constantly about how I SHOULD pursue a career in acting because I’m such a Drama Queen” any time anything went wrong. Yet, finally, I had an outlet for processing and understanding all my young “life experience” and feeling through such characters and storylines that dealt with comparable life experiences. As much as Drama became a means of escapism, through playing with fantasy scenarios and characters who’s lives were nothing like my own, when we wrote, or picked our own pieces. More than that, for a kid who had to grow up really fast and had a lot to say that most kids couldn’t relate to, I also felt like I had in them, 2 Teachers to whom I could share, and somehow it was never too much. At times, I thought they might as well have been channeling my Mum. But beyond her, they role modelled so much to which I would grow up aspiring to be in adult life, in work life and relationship to others in multiple capacities. I must have asked them 10 000 times minimum “why me of all people” and attempted to let them off the hook too from the obligation of having to do so. But no matter how many times I asked “why me?” (And got A LOT of patient reassurance and encouragement in response at times) especially as I kept getting A’s, Lead Roles and being asked to Assistant Direct Rehearsals at times, I also got to start finding myself in both Leadership and Mentoring of younger students too. Which then BECAME my “why me” as a statement, more than a question! And just like my Teachers were doing for me, I found myself also becoming a “safe” space, for which the younger kids who were struggling with both school and home life, AND performance anxiety in equal measure, could reach out, to be heard, for encouragement, advice and support. So when I won the Performing Arts Award in year 12, (and asked “why me?” one final time,) I was told it was not just for outstanding achievement academically in the Performing Arts. It also says so on the piece of paper, that it was “for my contribution to the local Performing Arts Community”…and according to them, for the example that I too had, apparently, role modelled within it. Which they said, often looked, compared to others behaviour at times, like humble, grateful wins, no holding them over others, or tantremming in defeats, no bitchiness and backstabbing, but always being willing to help, go the extra mile, include others and us work together to be and achieve our best outcomes. Based on all of this resonance of passion and purpose, I auditioned for 2 of the 3 Top Victorian Performing Arts Schools undergraduate courses. (The 3rd I got told by a Lecturer at Open Day, before I’d even opened my Mouth to speak, to “come back when I was a few years older and had had a bit more “life experience”, so what can I say, I’ve never bothered going BACK to that one.) But I did get into the one I really wanted to (If "life" further blew up in the middle, and then I find myself re-routed for a while to a healing path, followed by the healing of others path.) Surviving the Dance part of the Deakin Rusden audition though, with almost negligible Dance training, might have been one of my greatest lessons in resilience in auditioning. And yet I still managed to make it in, despite A LOT of other people auditioning to get into Contemporary Arts at Deakin, with a Drama major and Media Arts sub-major. And took that, over my 2nd place offer of a Bachelor of Psychology, also at Deakin. (And doing Psych as a minor during the former…which it turns out, I absolutely hated compared to high school Psychology.) I would later, in my mid 20’s - 30’s learn what both Counselling, Coaching, Drama and Dance Therapy, Facilitation, Mentoring and Training were. (Before later coming back towards the worlds of theatre, live events, film and tv, and considering how I could combine and or run both at the same time.) Throughout that time, I also discovered what 5 Rhythms Dance and Ecstatic Freestyle Dance Classes were. (As separate to the competitive Dance world and highly choreographed Elite Dance School classes.) And within all, found another way to continue to participate in, and create the kind of space for others, that I felt like I was so fortunate to benefit from in high school. But I also cannot even begin to express how useful I found my Transpersonal Art Therapy studies, Dance Therapy and 5 Rhythms Classes too, as sometimes being either complimentary to, or a better means at times than Talking Therapy (which sometimes got me locked in my head) of really getting back into my body again, beyond the shutting down that came with multiple sexual assaults in not just my younger life, but also into my young adult life and 20's, out of home and living in one instance with the domestic violence in one intimate relationship. Through the combination of movement and the right music, I soon found how I could surrender into my body, open my heart and let flow out all the trapped grief and rage, through floods of tears and movement alike. And therein, on the other side of clearing lots of that out, found access to healing, to the full use and functionality of my body, sensuality and sexuality again, to renewed perspective, and reconnected to a whole lot of joy and purpose again. As much as found new access to my own creative potential and vitality in the process. So It’s no understatement either, to say that I also found myself in Dance and Art Therapies, as much as I once did in Drama, Singing and Piano. As well as in helping, encouraging, Coaching, Mentoring and Teaching others. Hence too why I understand the immense healing power of the Arts, as a tool to help many of us navigate through and beyond Mental health concerns and past traumas of a lot of different kinds. And then there's how the Performing Arts helped with my Leadership and Speaking efforts. If, after a decade of private practice Counselling, Coaching, Group Facilitation, Public Speaking, Networking and Promotion in the Health, Education, Entrepreneurial, NFP and Corporate spaces as well, many people were rating my top skill as Public Speaking, then I know I also owe (ahead of any time later spent in my 20’s-30’s with my past Communication Skills, Leadership, Public Speaking, Speech and Vocal Coaches and Mentors further refining them) to the time spent in the Performing Arts, learning, rehearsing and performing. I also cannot count the number of comments I’ve written on other Artists and Actors, Directors, Producers, and Writers IG’s that they’ll likely never see, about how various storylines or offerings they created or worked on, have positively impacted me too. ALL of which, are just some of the main reasons why I have such a deep appreciation, reverence and respect for the power of the Arts and Creative Spaces, as having so much value in human culture. And being crucial to our healthy development. And why I’ve come to understand how vital high quality Leadership and Role Modelling is to the ongoing success of such spaces, and the quality of the outcomes that can be achieved within them. Whether the goals bring to them, are personal, professional, academic or competitive. I don’t therefore take the responsibility of things like how we show up to create and support them, how we behave at and participate in them, or the example that we set AT them, lightly. Hence, in my world, when I asked myself the question we started with, of “what kind of role model do I want to be at such events?” I remembered all of the above. And thus aspire to show up in a way that creates a safe space for and nurtures all of the above. For the benefit of all parties who want to participate in them; whatever their age, and for whatever purpose they want to be a part of them. In my ideal event world:
Sometimes, under stress, I too fall short of all of those. But in my world, we do always have the power to choose and recommit to BEING and DOING much better as humans:
Personally, I think such behaviour being allowed (and even worse, proactively encouraged by certain Teachers) at these Events is decades behind our now collective and generational Feminist ideals of Sisterhood, Brotherhood and the desires for collective unity, equality and inclusivity. Two years back into this, and I’m already exhausted from witnessing and being on the receiving end of it, at times 6 days a week, 5-12 hours a day. (And that’s nothing compared to the 14 hour days and 70-80 hour weeks my Back of House friends put in.) I also think that there is something really wrong too, with our likeability and success at our Leadership and Support roles within this world, being measured by how much abusive shit we’re willing to absorb and tolerate from others within this world, before we fall down and cry, or walk off set and refuse to tolerate one more abusive instruction. Only to have our legitimate boundary setting for good reason, as frequently written of as “defensive,” “aggressive” or “angry” when we have the “audacity” to ask people to show up and be better. I’m sorry, but that’s the very textbook definition of toxicity and abuse. As humans, we're all at risk of losing it at times under stress. So how about we practice being better at managing and dealing with our distress, and not behaving in “abusive” ways towards others in the first place? Hence I ask the question of you, how do you feel when you witness such behaviours in this industry? Are you REALLY ok with this kind of behaviour in this industry? And if not, what kind of role models do YOU think we should have, and do you want to be within the Performing Arts world? Especially for the young people coming up within it? What legacy do you want to create and leave within it? What behaviour, ethics, standards and values do you want you and yours to be known for within it? Because, for better or worse, HOW we show up on the day, is what people WILL come to REMEMBER us for. So I suggest we ALL make sure how we show up, is something we’ll be PROUD to be remembered for in the decades to come. (If not just for ourselves and our loved ones and colleagues, but for the kids to come, who may also need the safety of these spaces, as much as I once did.) Until next time…. Nat Ferrier
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WriterIn a world in which we've got too busy for meaningful human connection, Nat talks about the ways we can bring it back. Archives
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