Whatever your gender, it’s equally as relevant, it just plays out in slightly different ways.
For men, it’s the fear that emotionally, they are nothing and won’t survive without the love of a woman.
For women, it’s the indescribable fear that they’re not enough alone, will be financially screwed and wont be able to survive (literally) without a man.
And the equal both-way representation that they’ll drown in unhappiness and wont cope if either is alone, that causes them to get so uptight and hold on so tight at the slightest sign of relationship trouble. (As separate to the soulful bonded, feeling soulfully drawn to commit all-in to actual marriage type of HOLDING, instead of holding ON.)
Which, for some, also collides in the meeting of business and relationship challenges and endings, and then sometimes goes hand in hand with the simultaneous fear of loss of status, money and material stuff and the form of love that comes through having those things.
All these things that we sometimes believe we need to be happy and fulfilled, and at a deeper level, to be loved and be worthy of love. Who really are we without all that? Without the externally given love, respect and adoration?
In my life, I’ve lived long enough so far and talked to enough clients to experience or witness all. Enough to know that neither illusion of loss is entirely true. (Even if it might feel very true for a while and thus, at times, we might believe for a while that it is.) And I've seen both long enough to know what's often really going on when things appear to be more falling apart, rather than falling together.
Firstly, for the men and the feminine. Why I know it’s not true, that horrendous, fearful gasp of fear, neh terror that you’ll die without your woman. (and the womb). And for women and people full stop, if someone were to leave or, worst case scenario, pass on, why I know for a fact that we wont die.
Did my Dad, did I, my brother, did my Mum's parents or any of us die when she did? Sure, it hurt like nothing many of you have ever felt. But my Dad went and got a higher paid private sector job, threw himself into parenting and met my step mum 11 years later. My Mum's Dad, post retiring as GM of a textile company, threw himself into charity fundraising to fund a cure and support for anyone like my Mum. After he lost my Grandmother just over 10 years later, he became Bone Marrow Donor Institutes Volunteer of the Year in i think 2004/5 for his fundraising efforts, finally did something he'd been scared to do and got together with some musical friends and started singing at concerts in aged care homes. Plus he finally wrote his memoirs. My other Grandfather, after Nana died, took to travelling more and everywhere he'd go, he'd end up surrounded on buses by a crowd of young women hanging off his every word and story, or with his Grandkids doing the same. So, while I hear you for sure, do i think that it would kill you? I know it wouldn't.
In terms of did the women in my family die of it after losing all those people? Did I? Sure, I hurt like hell. Because when i love, i REALLY love. And there are massive parts of yourself and identities that have to be let go of when someone who was fulfilling one set of roles in family, partnership or life moves on and you have to step up to fill them. But then i just turned that love into going all out in the pursuit of every life purpose i love. In high school performing arts was my salvation, not just my passion. Later making a difference and Wellness became my passion. There were moments, particularly in high school and up to my mid 20’s, where still, even doing what i love, I still literally felt like I would die if i was alone and or in my 20’s if I didn’t manifest a man, to fill the giant self love hole that still existed in my insides, I wasn't complete. And also, because i had it in my head that my life purpose WAS my salvation, at some point, it all had to go too so i could come back to zero point and do SELF LOVE, minus any filler of the internal gaps, that was somehow getting in the way of who I was meant to soulfully becoming at that particular time.
And part of that was to remember the part of me that still had to learn how to be my own best friend. That part of me still needed to learn how to be my own primary caregiver and then become fully available to create my own family in this lifetime AND do awesome, abundant, making a difference things in business AND have my adventurous lifestyle moments too. To come back to my soulful realisation that it's not an either OR in this lifetime. And how would life look if i had it all? As one of my gorgeous colleagues and Mentors in the lovely Christina Guidotti would say, you can be a woman and have it all. Does that mean it will all be easy? No. But you can. If you're willing to do the work, internal and external.
To bring it back to the fear of women about not surviving without a man, I also had to learn how to fully jump out of the nest, financially speaking and trusted in my ability to maintain it. I was very lucky in that, for many years, someone was always willing to show up and help fill the emotional and financial gap when I was falling short. But at the same time, not, in that I never got to fully confront having to make it work solely and only under my own steam. So why do you think all the parents and partners, business and romantic, bless them, all had to take the hands away or fall down at some point? So that i could find my true soulful ability to make money myself doing what i love and BELIEVE that i don't NEED a man or anyone to do it? (That's NOT to say i don't deeply APPRECIATE all the help and support that came back in after though or that i don't WANT it :-) But there was a learning, a few "ruin" moments that had to happen before more collaboration so i could "get it." And more than that, the second time, realise that i actually no longer HAD any fear.
What and who was willing to grow along ultimately came back, or was still willing to play.
More than that, i had to "get it" that i was enough minus the externally achieved status. This last couple of years, I’d also talked to a lot of multiple 6 and multiple 7 figure business men AND women, who at one point, achieved and received amazing accolades for their material achievements and success, and at times also lost everything else. (Have you really "made it" as an entrepreneur unless you've lost it all, as well as had it all at least once i ask?! ) Cars, fancy titles, ginormous houses, massive incomes and businesses, and the status of high achievement, all wiped back to some form of zero point, or close enough to it. What do they both have in common? Again, truthfully, some part of them thought they would be nothing and have nothing without them and no one would want them without them. Were they right? Ultimately No. They might have had to lose a few people who mirrored that same fear on the way though, until they got the lesson, the download that higher love and your true value as a soul isn't dependent on how much money and stuff you have on the books. Is it?
what do all these scenarios have in common as the need and the remedy?
Self love. And through embracing it, through embracing ones highest potential, through connecting with a higher love and purpose, and embracing oneself as ones own best friend and salvation, one finally, completely liberates themselves from all illusion and terror that one is not enough without something or someone in particular. That one cannot do it without someone or something. And finds an opportunity, with a near clear slate, to embrace the truth that they really CAN/ More than that, they already have the resources within to do it. They just need enough time and room made to GO within and connect with them. And that too is a part of the gift, stripping away all the ego and ideas of who they think they are, to get back to the simplicity of who they actually ARE, soulfully speaking.
Now, from that place, one becomes truly ready to create something. And to love and give and receive, from a place of fullness. Love and abundance alike, in the forms of relationships or lastingly accumulating assets and wealth, struggle to fully ground in past the blocks of our beliefs, patterns and misconceptions, until we’re willing to confront our sh%t long enough that they CAN get in and stay for a bit.
Which means you’ve got to charge head-long into that horrendous fear of losing whatever it is you fear to lose, to breathe through it, until you eventually realise that, actually, this isn't killing me, i have the ability to endure this, and rise from this, then the "falsehoods" fall on their heads and the ultimate truth breaks through, along with the shining light of your true self.
Thus, as painful as it is, as well as immensely rewarding, if we’re truly serious about living love and embodying love’s purpose for us, we have to be willing to commit to looking in the mirror and dying thousands of times over, to be reborn again and again to the versions of ourselves that can grow forward with the people you love/who love you and grow forward living loves higher purpose.
No one else can do it for us. Which is why it feels so lonely in life's "take stuff away" moments, like everyone has taken their hands and their presence (temporarily) away. Because they have, with love, so that we can be alone long enough to truly see oneself and fall in love with oneself and one's new, true, soulful self and purpose. In filling our own cups first, we become infinitely more able to nurture our personal relationships to blossom and be infinitely more mutually rewarding, both ways. And then receiving love from the outside becomes even more beautiful.
Likewise, we make way for our work relationships and businesses to blossom in the same way. And yes, death, impermanence is a part of life, so the more we commit to all being who we truly are and living love, the more we can expect what's not that to fall away. But also the people, technology, things, committed to growing and adapting with us, are able to stay and evolve together.
Ruin is a gift. It is the road to transformation, back to love, so that life no longer HAS to keep taking things away, being truly who we really soulfully are, we become ready to grow with them, in a very long term, committed, all-in kind of way.
Until next time, have fun, take care.
Nat talks about Self Expression, Heart Centred Communication and Lifestyle for Leaders.