On how to CREATE SAFETY FROM THE INSIDE OUT

What practices do you have that help you create an inner sense of safety in stressful times? 

Right now, (before i get going on writing a whole new series of blogs this next 12 weeks exploring how to solve a range of common communication challenges, this actually seems like the more pressing and relevant question this week. As right now, it’s like there are two pandemics; that involving the illness itself and that involving the psychological spread of fear throughout the population. And you’ve probably noticed that lots of people around you are talking about recently having had a bad day? Or a few days? Maybe you’re one of those people who has recently also had a bad day? Having lost a parent young (and gone through quite a few rather traumatic things young) how to create inner safety, at times where your mind isn’t accepting/trusting in the idea that you have much safety externally, has been at least one of the dominant themes of my journey of this life. 


But, as someone who had also once majored in Microbiology during my Biological Science degree and once had one arm of my Counselling private practice dedicated to helping people get back to living normal dating and relating lives they love beyond navigating the stress and medical complexity of being diagnosed with virally caused sexual illnesses like HSV, or other ongoing reproductive or sexual health or disfunction concerns, I’m also very mindful that this individual and collective fear we are now experiencing is part of the normal spectrum of human reactions to any virus that, worst case scenario, may have “diabolical effects’’ on us or others, and best case, may have literally decades to come of almost none (lockdown impacts not included in "none.") If you're interested, i did actually once map the stages of the typical journey most people progress through when coming to terms with living with the kinds of viruses that like to hang around, even when you're like "uh, dude, i thought i made it clear that i'm just NOT that into you?" Probably it's worth a share? Definitely with the Government, who seem to be stalling in stages 2-4....and there are 10 all up. But i've digressed...


This week I thought I’d share what has turned out to be a LONG list of several things I personally have learned to do over the course of my (often, as it turns out, independent) journey, to help find your inner zen again, when you (temporarily) get caught in the fear rapids and feel like the whole world is being washed away. (This is actually a point form summary of points from many of my blogs from the last year, but repurposed through the lens of thriving on your own two independent feet.)


My challenge to you is to go through this list and pick at least 3 that you’re going to stick on your to do list going forward. Ready? Ok, let's do this thing anyway.....


Practices for Creating Inner Safety 

• Breathing and meditation or mindfulness practices that help calm and re-set the nervous system, our energy and mood are an important part of this. You can take it a step further with what you choose to meditate on. We’ll come back to that.

 

• What music you listen to can also help. In a chat group the other day, a few different people brought up relaxing tracks with subliminal affirmations built in on YouTube as one of their tools of choice right now.

 

• Gentle movement, like yoga, might help re-set you. (If running or high energy activity helps re-set you too, do it. But its good to be mindful that, for someone in panic attack mode, gentle might be better for your body in a moment where you already just pumped the gas on your adrenals like you were trying to accelerate to 70, but got stuck in 1st gear. )

 

• Making sure you’re on top of your bodies physical needs also means your body can turn off some screaming warning alarms, that might be taking up your mental bandwidth. Drinking enough water, getting the nutrients your body needs and getting on top of your hormones and health concerns also helps wipe out a huge amount of anxiety. 

 

• Taking some time to limit our exposure to the media and social media might be another important part of NOT triggering oneself further.

 

• Acknowledging and talking about what is going on can be important to unburden the sense of suffering in silence (when really many others are likely going through similar things too). Reaching out to others is important. 

 

• Depending on the intensity of what is coming up for you, it might be time to talk to a Therapist about any survival or social belonging related fears (that you might also have thought you’d already nailed) that are suddenly surfacing amidst all this and how to best heal and move beyond them. 

 

• In our every day conversations at work, with partners, family and friends, I think it is also important to monitor how much air time we let talk of the virus take up. And to proactively make sure we set times to debrief about it, but then still focus on other things. Like our shared visions, like our work, like what a sustainable, better world looks like beyond this time, like what makes us laugh, like what activities we love to do and make us feel alive. Not to mention that bring us inner calm.

For some, in moments, the absence of physical people or the possibility of physical affection (if thats one of your love languages) is at times a cause of distress right now too. But how else does one also cope and thrive in long periods of time single or living alone? What other little rituals do you do for you, in the moments where there just aren’t physical people, or the possibility of physical affection? Here have been some more of my go-to strategies...

• Going to where you can go in nature and leaning on, sitting against, or hugging a tree. Now that we have much scientific evidence on the capacity of trees and plants to communicate with each other via fungal networks, it no longer feels so nuts to say that when you hug a tree, you feel like it hugs you back!? But regardless of whatever you do or don’t believe about this, the reality remains that most people report feeling much clearer and calmer after spending time sitting under or against a tree. 

 

• Putting our bare feet on the earth or the grass, on the sand or in water also has a physically and psychologically grounding affect that may well help right now. 

 

• As does going for a swim or having a bath.

 

• For some people, making or creating things is calming, grounding and soothing. Especially if you’re very tactile and hands on.

 

• All the CBT and NLP and positive affirmations in the world are great when you’re calm. But can feel about ‘screen door in a sub marine level useful when someone tells you to recite them in the middle of a panic attack piggy-backing on the back of CPTSD. Especially when they relate to the exact opposite state to the one you’re in. 

So (unless they’re subliminally inserted under some You tube track you’re listening to for releasing anxiety and letting go of negativity and stress), if you find they don’t work for you in moments of high stress, I would suggest changing them out in this instance instead for Words of Reassurance. Particularly if that’s a love language you grew up with and have an affinity for too.


Whether as self talk, a love not to self, or something once delivered to you by someone else.  Think of what words calm a small child, or what calmed you when you were in the full throws of a tired or overwhelmed public tantrum way back when. 


Think co-regulation through embodying a calm nervous system they can feel into, words of reassurance and embracing them with the Mum/Dad/Family Member ‘magic touch’ that is firm enough to send the message that “I’ve got you and you’re safe and protected and it’s gong to be ok” but gentle enough that it says “love, gentleness and TLC.” Think Mothers' gently stroking your hair or gently rubbing your back and what that energy felt like. 


It’s not just about the act of it, it’s the energy that goes with it. And our primal brains may well respond very well to this kind of reassurance and energy turned inwards in such moments where we wish there was some grown up or at least friend or partner, who could come and make it all ok and do the adulting for a bit in our down moments. But right now, for whatever reason, there isn’t. Well the good news is there is actually, but it’s YOU, so:

• What self talk of reassurance can you tell yourself?

 

• What quality of energy can you imagine surrounding yourself in a bubble of during your meditation, lying in bed, or taking a bath?

 

• What self soothing physical touch can you offer yourself in the absence of another human?

 

• Stressed energy often turns into stressed mannerisms. (Welcome to my fringe that never grows out, the mouth ulcer you bite into the side of your own mouth, nail biting, the pen clicking or foot tapping and restless legs, and the scratching and picking at things) You could also choose to channel the energy of any stress/anxiety related mannerisms into engaging in self soothing physical behaviours.

-Like putting a hand on your heart/chest and one on your lower belly, or placing your own reassuring hand on your own leg and intending to calm and comfort yourself, in the same way as you would the upset child above.
-Every time you have to physically contact yourself for some form of grooming, hygiene or self care routine, it can be nice to use this as an opportunity to show yourself a similar level of care and presence. Eg not just mechanically moisturising or shaving or showering or washing your hair or even self pleasuring habitually or mechanically in a mad rush, and instead, make any and ALL acts of touching and caring for yourself a commitment of love, in the same way you might want to nurture and care for a lover, and want a lover to care for you.
The key is to see these as practices of immense value, over an 'inferior substitute', or 'some weird thing only weird lonely people do'. (It’s not, really, it’s something healthy people can do to help themselves feel whole, and in turn, make their relationships too even healthier. To bring them to a place where we’re no longer coming from our own personal wounds and insecurities and feelings of lack and intense neediness. And instead, feel whole and content, before we go out into the world and attempt anything else, or to relate with anyone else, If that makes any sense?

• As some other more advanced expressions of the Inner child process work, you might also like to explore what childhood beliefs and experiences are still holding you back and how to heal and move beyond them:

 

• Whether with a Therapist holding the space. Or if you no longer need or want to access that, you might visualise having a chat with your inner child and your grown up self during a meditation. 

 

• Or do an automatic writing exercise, where you write out a script of the conversation that evolves between you and they, where you each take turns to talk. 

 

• Or you might drag out the Gestalt/Drama Therapy empty chair technique and nominate someone you have some unfinished business with (that ties into your unsafely story) to sit in it and see what comes out of it if you have a chat.  

The aim of all of these is to work things back to a place of love, understanding and trust, on the other side of whatever needs to move.
Other things to meditate on when it comes to developing our inner sense of safety and courage and what that practically looks like :

• Have you met your inner Warrior/ess?

 

• Particularly for the Women, soooo many Women's workshops focus on the strong Feminine archetypes, but have you met your inner Masculine ones? What wisdom and support might they have to offer?

“The arty therapisty things” aren’t necessarily for everyone. But sometimes, when you just need to get some energy out, or you’re stuck on why you feel stuck and feel out of sorts, sometimes these can be great means of getting past your conscious mind for insights on what is going on. And most importantly, on what you actually need right now. Hence it makes the list.

• If you’re into writing, you might also like to re-write a far more inspiring ending to your hero’s journey, than whatever the fear is worry is suggesting to you.
• Or draw or paint some intentional art piece that is intended to make you feel safe every time you look at it.

Some things i also put in a blog on Female resilience last year:

• Have you ever done or considered doing a self defence class or a female-only martial arts class?

There's a great blog you might like to check out that openly dispels the fear that most Women walk the world with that "Women are physically weaker and therefore vulnerable to Men" and helps Men address their fears about this) here:

view my wife is a black belt blog

• On Spirituality and Spiritual Support: a bit like when Rhey talks to the Jedi in the Last Star Wars movies, maybe there might be comfort too in 
• calling on your ancestors
• calling on your guides or 'guardian angels' or
• calling on whatever divine or universal intelligence/presence you personally resonate with.

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And asking THEM to be with you. Sometimes faith is THE thing of all things to help reconnect you to a reality that is much grander and more perfect than the things that sometimes go on inside our heads. 
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• Lots of colleagues and I right now are just distracting ourselves by hurling ourselves head first into various passion and purpose projects of being of service.

THAT’S A BIG ONE. ONCE THERE’S NO GOLD OR BENEFIT LEFT FROM DIGGING AROUND IN CIRCLES WITHIN THE DIRT OF PROCESS, TRY DIVERTING FOCUS AND ENERGY INSTEAD BACK TO OTHER FUTURE THINGS!
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• Then there’s that old thing of engaging with the ACTUAL people who really DO think you're the bees knees and really are there for you. Who are the people around you, who’ve also got you, who are the encouragers, who can tell you that “you got this!" right now? Maybe it’s tine to be brave and literally reaching out to some of them first? 

 

• Connect more often over Zoom. Even though we might look “alone” in moments of physical time and space, people who think we're cool don't feel so far away when you just DO things together with an open Zoom window between you.

The cool part about the realm of quantum mechanics and energetics too, is that distance and time and space don’t actually need to be “a thing”. There might be some reassurance in remembering that we can feel and we can send our energy and presence to anyone (who is consciously willing to receive it) at any moment in which we can’t physically be with them, but energetically (and telepathically) can.


Maybe these current circumstances are one of the best opportunities ever in history to get even better at communication, by getting really good at awareness, intuition and sensory intelligence, to the point that we can not only read people via a Zoom or a Whatssap chat. But also read them when we can’t even seer or hear them in the room? (We live, after all in a land, where our Indigenous Brothers and Sisters and Elders are Masterful at this, to the point where Elders in this Country from Alice Springs knew things about their kin from Byron Bay they might rarely, if ever, have met. How cool is that? (And we once thought WE were the “Advanced ones”!?)


Some of my shamanic and Transpersonal Art Therapy friends and I have had A LOT of fun with this one over the last two decades. Interacting energetically with each other from anywhere from across the room, to across the globe (and then comparing notes on what we experienced.) Maybe it could be something you play with, with the people in your world you care about, but can’t physically be with right now too? Maybe you’re also better at it than you think you are?

Not that we might want to get used to ONLY ever relating with people on the etherial planes. But it IS nice to remember that we're never really as 'alone' as we might think. Alone together. United by love, through time and space.


I’ll leave you with that thought…..


Thinking of you and sending you loads of love and bunch of virtual hugs right now.


Nat xx


P.S. What are your 3 things you picked???


P.P.S I'm currently putting together a new communication masterclass series to help Women become more masterful in taking ownership of what they want and saying what they really mean, in a way that gets them the kind of mutually beneficially outcomes they really want in personal and professional relationships. Is there a topic or challenge in particular that you'd like to see it address? Feel free to fill out the questions and or book a call with me below....

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