Just because something goes viral does not make it good advice

Professionally speaking, I’ve (finally) been feeling it’s time to launch some content again. To flip my old written blog into a podcast now/again, to bring back some AFFORDABLE session support options AND get going on the book again with new perspective, in balance with creative pursuits. (And, for those who missed on my more personal socials, despite having recently come 3 year full circle on some Womens Health concerns.) Here's why...
For a good while there though, I’d felt like I’d actually run out of things to say. And I’m not sure where, I’d lost, or misplaced my internal drive to say them. And as a colleague had said when I was working at and delivered a quick presentation as a staff member of NIDA Corporate in a public speaking training we ran at the time, dare I say it out loud, even she could see it was like I’d lost interest and the fire for actually saying what I was saying publicly in that particular moment.


But all of a sudden, this thing is again happening, that every time I get on IG or Tik Tok and get bombarded with yet another piece of well meaning, but bad, or too incomplete to be really useful, communication, trauma healing, anti-people-pleasing personal development and relationship advice, I keep finding myself getting WAAAAY too fired up about how thoroughly f%^ked up and broken the state of all human relating now is in our now hyper-individualistic, online, dopamine addicted culture.  (Let alone how thoroughly, deeply broken our trust and faith in other humans still appears to collectively be post pandemic.)


Let alone, I’m DEEPLY concerned at how widely bad, fast food style, incomplete fragments of viral, 10 second Tik Tok advice is hurting more than helping us…and kept wishing that someone who actually has a clue would get traction in teaching the most basic principles of this stuff wholey and  “properly.“


As just a few examples-

20 000 people jump on some meme about not being a people pleaser ever again, all “hell yeah, preach it!” . Without anyone pointing out, that:

💕 YES that, AND we again need to find the part of us that desires to be of genuine service to the other for the RIGHT reasons. Because doing THAT is STILL the pinnacle relationship goal and absolutely core crucial to the success and longevity of every human relationship…EVER.


💕 YES we need to stop being OVER-responsible for accepting fault for EVERYTHING that ever goes on in any given relationship. AND STILL the ability to show up with SELF RESPONSIBILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY and thus the willingness to say “I'M SORRY, HOW CAN I DO BETTER NEXT TIME?” is an absolutely crucial cornerstone pillar in the creation and repair of trust and psychological safety, in EVERY human relationship EVER.


💕YES we need to be better at identifying in the moment what our own needs are, and:


💕YES we need to find our ability to communicate such things live in the moment when something is happening. SO MANY thousands of problems can be resolved simply, and immediately this way.
AND it is STILL crucial to the longevity and success of EVERY relationship EVER that we be willing to listen TO the other too AND care just as much about reading the room on what they need TOO.


💕YES it is essential that we learn to speak up about things that don’t feel right. AND it is still absolutely crucial to trust and psychological safety that, instead of broadcasting every last one of our concerns about another, to every person we know in the interest of calling out injustice, we ALWAYS, first and foremost, TAKE THE PROBLEM TO THE PERSON’S FACE, and give them an actual chance to address it one to one. Because BROADCASTING PRIVATE BUSINESS to anyone other than the party directly involved, BETRAYS and DESTROYS trust and psychological safety in individual relationships. Not to mention DESTROYS others' TRUST in US, if we can’t keep a secret and RESPECT AND HONOUR others' PRIVACY.


In this regard, you can block and hate me for saying it all you like, but cancel culture and  #metoo has been the biggest one-step-forward, two-steps-backward for relationships everywhere public trend we’ve seen unfold in decades. Because YES, unhealthy relating dynamics and abuse NEEDED to be called out.
BUT publicly ganging up on someone like a bunch of teenage, mean girl bullies with strength in numbers, and weaponising disclosure of private happenings to motivate someone to change, through threatening to destroy someone’s life through defaming them publicly for what they did wrong, (e.g. the abused becomes the ABUSER) I’m sorry, for the most part ISN'T NECESSARY to MOTIVATE someone to CHANGE.


AND was NEVER going to effectively motivate ANY person to change, or solve a problem within that relationship, with anywhere NEAR as much effectiveness as leaning into the problem with love and compassion, believing in them, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and being willing to have a go at resolving it with them face to face, with the level of respect that, as the most basic of human rights, EVEN when we’ve made a mistake, we STILL deserve.
Despite and especially in light of their and our own unique cocktail of trauma related defence mechanisms. Not everyone is Weinstein and a clinically identified Psychopathic Narcissist. And while I fear that, at its worst, BAD Instagram, Tik Tok, “fast food” 10 second relationship and hyper success focused personal development advice IS actually slowly turning ALL of us into a bunch of self-obsessed Narcissists, (perfect example, the double standard of demanding to be honoured as NEURODIVERGENT, BUT REFUSING to be compassionate to OTHERS, NEURODIVERGENT BEHAVIOUR) we CAN'T fall into the trap of treating EVERY last person EVER in relationships like they are not WILLING, or CAPABLE of change.


IF we give up on change being possible, we might as well give up all hope of anything, EVER. Hell, with all the loss and trauma I’ve been through in life, I definitely should’ve just jumped off a cliff decades ago, rather than investing 3 decades of my life in healing and helping others if that were true. BUT the point is, belief in our ability to want to grow and desire to be and do better is also an essential pillar to healthy relating.

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💕YES we deserve better than to tolerate being treated like crap. AND it’s STILL ESSENTIAL to the success of every human relationship EVER, that we realise that every single one of us is human, and comes with our unique set of baggage. So it’s not about finding someone who’s perfect, who never makes a mistake by us EVER, and perfectly ticks all the boxes on our lists. It’s about finding the people whose problems we’re willing to be compassionate to, and use our unique attributes to be a collaborator in helping them heal and grow over time. As much as they too commit to accepting, and helping us with, and despite our own.


And i could go on.


If only 3 people ever actually see this post, SOMEONE, needs to keep reminding people of and teaching exactly these kinds of insights.


Instead of the 🐴 💩 dipped in cheap nickel for the $3.99 you donate on Patreon and propagated virally to millions all over the internet as though it’s actually an aspirational that now passes as credible person development and relationship advice. Instead of evidence based, tried and tested, embodied and well trained, credible personal development and relationship advice 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Please remember, just because it goes viral, DOES NOT automatically make it credible.


Human connection is EVERYTHING when it comes to human wellbeing and our ability to thrive. We’ve deeply broken it. It's been a while, but I’m finding I’ve got a whole lot to say publicly again about how we get it back. And feel there's a whole lot of conversations to facilitate about HOW we do that.

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<END RANT>