Complaining vs Nurturing Behaviour in Relationships

QUESTION: HOW MUCH OF YOUR  PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL TIME DO YOU SPEND COMPLAINING ABOUT THINGS WITH OTHERS vs INVESTING TIME IN BUILDING AND STRENGTHENING THE CONNECTION WITH THEM?

Underneath almost every form of Coaching or Group Leadership I’ve ever done, at some point, even if we’re talking about business or communication, or Leadership, because human connection is so very important to us and pillar-stone crucial to our wellbeing, inevitably, all conversations often lead back to the same place; talking about the quality of the most significant relationships around us. (For clarity sake, “significant” might mean either they’re someone we spend vast numbers of hours of our work week with. And/or it might cover the people that we also hold in our inner circle of family, friends and or community, wanting a better quality of engagement with. )   People who we often desire ease and flow of communicating and relating with them. 


The trouble is, we’re human. And humans often have very different ways of seeing and doing things, have different beliefs and values about HOW we should or shouldn’t do things (relative to whatever rules, values or guidelines we’re also held to in particular situations, like work.) And sometimes we just flat out want different things. While simultaneously having a common vision, set of goals, values, set of interests, qualities and skill sets that brought us together in the first place. That are, and remain our continuing point of unity, connection and interest over time.


There’s no way around it really, the reality is that life is a constant set of continuous negotiations between us and others, so as to ideally find the mutually beneficial ‘sweet spot’ where both parties feel seen,  met and accounted for, so that we can feel optimally, and perform optimally, in any given situation. 


Complaint often being what organically happens when we come up against friction (rubbing up against our points of difference) in the process of doing that. Part of the key to getting through the complaining to others (or to others about others) about what’s not working, to an optimal outcome, involves:


1) acknowledging what the issue really is for me
2) considering where too is the other party at and what are their needs too (if I don’t know, how can I find out?)
3) what can I do to address that optimally? And 
4) how and when am I going to do that? 


💕 PERSPECTIVE & 💕 DISCERNMENT 

Sometimes it also helps to maintain some perspective on how big a deal this one thing actually is or isn’t, relative to what we truly value as most important in life. To check in against what IS most important (to us and them) and ask, is it really worth letting this one little thing (like a dish on the sink, or a pen, or screw left in the wrong place, or that one thing someone said in a certain way, blow up into something we stew over ALL DAY, or DAYS until we next see the person? Let alone brew into a fight? Or do we fact check ourselves a little on perspective? Like “nobody is actually doing heart surgery here, nobody is dying, is it really that big a deal? And is it possible also that some of this is more about me and my “stuff” than it actually has to do with them in the present? In which case, do I even NEED to involve them to fix it? Or do I actually need to work on ME and how I am contextualising this; eg, what am I making it mean in my mental life story, vs what is the ultimate truth of what it reallly means in reality?) Hence, is it really worth investing SO MUCH energy into letting this become such a big deal and a drama between me and them on the outside? Or is it actually so simple that I could solve it in a simple 1 to 4 line exchange with them? 


💕DISCERNMENT 
Or is it actually something that I can just get over for myself, and thus doesn’t even need to be said at all? (E.g. relative to the scope, goals, values and requirements of this relationship, discerning- is there benefit and mutual benefit likely to come from this, that it’s worth me raising this concern with them? Or is it something i could either heal, or put in perspective for myself? And/ or just let go as ‘the little stuff’ that’s not worth really making a big deal over?) 

Ideally we can get there, without us needing to have to go through a REAL life or death crises situation with someone we love, to remind us of what is really most important in the grand scheme of things. To get us to then realise, who actually cares about the stupid bill due date, or the pen or screw, if this was one of the last moments i’ll ever get to spend with this person? If it was, is freaking out over the cup/bill/pen/scree really how i’d really want to spend it? 

Gaining perspective sometimes comes through considering, If you KNEW that this one moment WAS the last one that you’d have with this person in front of you, how would you show up differently in this situation instead, to how you’re considering showing up now?  

Some of you have heard this story already, but the story I often tell about this  (which will lead us also to some other things we can do to counter complaining when it starts to become a habit of us constantly seeing the worst and the negative, before the positive) relates to a thing that happened 2 days before my 9th birthday. At which time my Mum (who was an incredibly beautiful human, to the point that people are still often telling me how much she positively impacted their lives, 34 years later) was terminally ill, in palliative care, and took a turn for the worst. One of several in truth by this point, so that it was now becoming the new expectation of normal. BUT this one, it turned out, would be the worst. Right as I was being dropped off for a party for my birthday, as much as a moment of respite from the intensity of it all. Only to be picked up again shortly after by my Dad and Maternal Grandpa, who took my little bro and i for a drive then the the beach, to tell us that the new plan, given this latest turn, was now to let Mum go and we were on our way to the hospital to say our final Goodbye. (Again, but for REAL this time.) But, by the time we then got to the hospital, they told us she’d actually just passed away about 5 minutes ago.  


So as it turned out, the last goodbye I’d said, was the previous day. And it was a pretty standard one of many. That I’d taken for granted as just another one in the daily routine of perpetually coming & going from this hospital, as though this would never end. Love and immunocompromised physical intimacy concerns observed. In other words, NOT showing the level of love, or saying or having done the things I now wished I could’ve, while taking for granted that I still had more time to say and do such things at some future date, to someone who meant so much…and while I’ve since told her what I should’ve said many times, and I WAS only 9, I too came to feel she deserved so much more than how I showed up in that precious, previous moment. Welcome to why I’m now a perpetual pain in the ass of of high standards, in asking OTHERS to show up in every day moments 🤣🤭🤷‍♀️🩷. 


I hope you don’t, but I fear that one day, for whatever earthly reason, you too might find that you won’t HAVE another opportunity left with someone to say or do the things that you wish you had’ve with them that REALLY mattered, when you had the chance. 


Out of that moment (& others), I learned some powerful lessons about:

 
💕a) PERSPECTIVE & DISCERNMENT- chilling out about what does and doesn’t really matter most in life and what does and doesn’t actually need to be said. But also 

💕 b) PRESENCE- the importance of showing up and being REALLY present in each and every moment we have with people, and making the most of that moment, as though we might not get another chance.  We might well feel like we only have 50%, instead of 110% to give today…and yet, it’s important that we still give what we have, WHEN we have the chance.

💕c) APPRECIATION- really seeing, taking stock of what makes each person in front of us so unique and special and a gift to the world. Being grateful for what gifts, qualities, vibes they bring to the table. As much as taking the time to appreciate their unique ‘quirks’ and ‘learnings’ that they bring to the table for us. But more than that, also

💕d) SHARING out loud those, loving, appreciative, meaningful things we think and feel about the other often, as a habit. 


Granted sometimes, yes, they might not be wanted by some, from us in particular, compared to others. Or certain types of them might not be wanted. Or some people may not be ready for, or feel deserving of, or entitled to be receiving them from us. So sometimes being good at human connection also involves reading the room on when to say it once, without attachment and then let it go. Or to read when it’s just not wanted or situationally appropriate to say that thing to them, and might cause more discomfort, than comfort to say it.  


(That being said, respecting boundaries being so important, I honestly think we’re also totally lost too when we start behaving as a culture by default as though NOONE ever wants to hear the kinds of positive insights, praise or compliments that can and do form the very foundations of building from the start, and then maintaining connection, rapport, trust and psychological safety. Because we’ve become so paranoid about what it will mean, how it will be taken  and the potential consequences of getting it wrong, that now we’re afraid to say anything at all? Such heightened paranoia is also making it difficult at times to connect anymore, too often?) But the point here….



💕POSITIVELY FOCUSED RELATIONAL NURTURING & MAINTENANCE 
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As a remedy to getting stuck habitually in a pattern of seeing the worst and expecting the worst of others in any given situation, and then constantly communicating the negatives to others (or taking about those negatives WITH 3rd party others) sometimes taking time to do these above relational nurturing behaviours, eg taking the time to come back to looking for the best in others, to taking stock of all there is to appreciate about them, to noticing those things that are most important within the connection, as well as to taking stock of the things about it that absolutely completely DO still work, is key, to the maintenance of the garden that is any given shared connection. 


That not just helps us pull out the seedlings of the weeds of complaint, before they really have time to send down enough roots to get lastingly established and multiply. (If where we focus our energy and attention grows that very thing, then complaint feeds more complaint.) But you can also think of taking stock of what’s most important, what DOES work, and especially what we DO still have in common, as common ground, as the water, fertiliser and the trestle or netting we put around the plants in our relational garden, that helps them grow up big and strong. AND that provide protection and allow the plants to heal and repair, after some injury has happened within the relationship. 



😱 WHEN EXHAUSTION, STRESS, TRAUMA AND NEGATIVITY BIAS GET IN THE WAY

Sometimes we might forget to do these positively focused, relationship nurturing behaviours for understandable reasons. For example, when we’re potentially stressed out and exhausted, or have a lot of mental health or trauma stuff going on, these things can have us running often in fight-flight ‘survive’ mode. Not really feeling safe in our surrounds. And when we feel unsafe, out of self protection, our mind will often develop a negativity bias, while it’s trying to spot that one sign that we’re in danger, and to anticipate it 10 moves ahead of time, in order to best protect us and others from any further harm. While it means well in trying to prevent harm, the paradoxical thing is that, if it leads to us only ever seeing the negatives with people and situations, and only ever expecting the worst outcome, it can actually end up CAUSING more harm than it actually prevents.


Not to mention can repel and separate us from others, by being so focused all the time on what is wrong with them, that we just don’t recognise and celebrate the very things about it that are still so right. In which case, the other can end up feeling like nothing they or others do is ever right or good enough, which can begin to then cause them to shut down and start pulling away. Or wondering if it’s still worth them even trying?


(Consequently, making the time to shift our perspective on life and others in the positive direction, can also have the benefit of helping remedy depressive and anxious thoughts and moods. AND thus, can also improve our inner sense of psychological safety too.)


​Thus, part of the remedy is:


💕To retrain ourselves to start looking, or looking over again,  for the best in others, for what can and IS going right. To retrain ourselves to SEE and EXPECT THE BEST of OTHERS and LIFE.

A big part of the remedy being to refocus on what is actually still totally and completely right and, totally okay. And pouring equal, or greater focus into continually and daily practicing and noticing THAT as well. Rather than only ever talking about the problems. 


So if you too ever feel like you too are guilty of getting caught up in COMPLAINING, try REFRAMING, by using the relational nurturing techniques mentioned above, day by day, until it becomes week by week, then month by month. And watch how fast things begin to turn around in your relationships, the teams and communities in which you spend most of your time. 


It’s by no means a complete or exhaustive list of relational nurturing and repairing behaviours. But these are some simple things, that can make both an immediate and a cumulative, but massive positive impact in improving the quality of all types of engagement.  And help bring about better, more mutually beneficial outcomes in all the kinds of relationships in which we spend most of our precious time. By building feelings of connection, of unity based on common ground, and feelings of trust. As well as making it safer for others to come closer to us and open up about both those little things when something does legitimately need attention. As well as makes space for us to bond over some of those bigger, purposeful, meaningful things we have in common. As well as over our common plights and traumas.


As an alternative too, to often building connection, individually and in groups, by complaining ABOUT others, as a way to bond and build connection, but by throwing someone else under the bus to do it. Which can also backfire in having the opposite effect actually, of breaking down psychology safety and trust. (Because if we’re complaining about others, instead of to the others' face, someone might see us do this and then wonder, “how long until they might be doing the same to me? So can I really trust them?” Whereas relational nurturing and repairing behaviours have the effect of building trust and psychological safety up and hence growing and strengthening relationships of all kinds.

Which is why it’s so important to balance speaking up about issues, with relational nurturing and repairing beahviours too. Make sense?


Hope this helps.

xxoo

💕💕💕💕