Boundaries....They're the Shiz

Hey there crew. How are you this week? The irony of declaring on Facebook yesterday that i'd be writing a blog about boundaries this week, was that i had to go through a baptism of fire and DO boundaries. Walking what you talk...don't you love this being conscious business? 

Boundaries you say? Why boundaries? Here's a few garden variety customer service answers....

1- Boundaries help you maintain your clear sense of self and be true to you

2-Boundaries help you stay healthy

3-Boundaries help you get more of what you want out of life. They help you create the strong foundation of a building from which the things you call in in life can be held and maintained. 

And like I said on my Facebook wall yesterday, along with this epicly yummy lunch, realistically, so much as we've been conditioned into self sacrifice in service to the world, if you're going to maintain the vehicle that is you over the long term, you have to be able to prioritise your wellbeing.

Now I say this from my life and work experience with the full understanding that there are times as a parent for example, or times in some occupations, like where there is a code blue, or red, or grey, when granted, you can't just sit there and say "screw you, I'm eating this sandwich!" while someone needs a jab with an epipen. (Well technically in the true soul sense you COULD if you wanted to, but we all know there might be the odd worldly consequence or perhaps jail term for gross negligence on the other side that may not be so cool for any one on any side of that equation.) But for the majority of us, the sense of urgency we can tend to impose on each other sometimes, let's face it, is it really real? Sometimes there's a genuine deadline and it is. Very often though, in the now age of entitlement, though, more and more, we're pushing ourselves beyond our own boundaries in the wrong ways, to please....who? And are they loving you back for the pleasing? If they are, great! If they're not, one might ask, what are you getting out of that? 


One of the main differences between say "Tess" our imaginary single wellness start up business owner and between someone making millions, or the person with that relationship or great clients she wants is the ability to say no to what is not truly in alignment for her.  If it feels like a part of her sinks inside for her accepting that or at the end it feels like a massive energy drain to her true needs, to what she really wants, to her wellbeing and self love, is it the right thing to be giving? What is in alignment should light us up like a Christmas tree with sparkles and a "hell yes1". And when we're aligned with the right pace of it, we will feel like we have room to breathe AND be and do at ease. All in divine timing.


This is not a slave train of servitude we're on. Even in the worst of moments in life, it is still possible to maintain our core sense of self. But life doesn't have to be an endurance marathon of sh#t either. Admittedly there were times in my life where, just NOT to be verbally attacked again for the 2 things i hadn't done over the 103 that I'd nailed, or even not in one relationship to have to spend a night with a drunk guy screaming at me, falling on me, punching me in my sleep was relief and bliss enough. And then healing happened and I took responsibility for what I COULD do to create more of the type of life I am living now. Which meant I had to raise the self love bar and treat myself better so that i could see more love reflected back. Not to mention, what? Yep, get some boundaries. There's a big difference here between self- sacrifice (to whatever end....people pleasing to avoid more conflict or to be more likable) and compromise e.g. asking where we can meet half way. 


The key is to be able to identity and ask for what you really want and see if you can meet or meet somewhere about half way in the middle. 


If "Tess" doesn't speak to what her needs are though, how can people respect them, let alone meet them? And if she's not prepared to stand strong in constant ownership of them, how can the foundation of her reality NOT keep collapsing into what she didn't want? 


The key is to learn to speak them lovingly in the moment, with the belief, the trust, the right sense of entitlement that we can both be met. 


If she keeps saying no to what doesn't feel aligned for her, or to what she know feels harming to her, then she will keep filling her life with what doesn't work for her, instead of the embodiment of authentic "Tess" and her doing what she loves, with people she loves, who bring out the best in her and vice versa and keep ending up tired, drained and unhappy for giving more than she can give, or perhaps waiting on something someone else will never be able to give? 


Think Katherine Heigl in 27 dresses or Kate Winslet in the Holiday; she's the most likable employee/PA ever and yet she gets overlooked for everything she wants in life, the promotion, the relationship, whatever... because? She's not being her. She's being what YOU want, so there's less about her that jumps out and grabs the people around her to say "yes! It's you! I totally feel you and it's you!" The real her is hidden in stealth mode, checking out the coast is clear, before she puts her vulnerability on the table. The thing is though, you can't create the life you want by looking outside for who you're meant to be. That can only comes from deep within. 


The combination of Patience and staying centred I was reminded too this last few days is also a virtue when it comes to being true to you. The more we lose our shiz when we are challenged on ours or others understanding of who we are, what we believe and how we operate, the less "in ourselves"we become and the more in our "stuff" we become. Losing your shiz, while sometimes thoroughly necessary to show that you're really pissed about that boundary thing that totally just got smashed, can have the unfortunate effect of pulling us out of ourselves as we hurl our reactions at another and then get pulled into the whirlpool of unfolding drama, as the need to justify, to defend and prove this point or that one, rather than stay present with what is really coming up and going on takes hold. What then is therefore required?


As a wise friend once told me, there are three ways to meet conflict.

1. One is to look it,  grounded and centred straight in the eyes from the heart....and call them back home.

2. The next is to stand there as though a parent, holding that firmness of "ok, now you're crossing a line here. (Please) Back off." Which actually requires being able to match the intensity of the energy that's being hurled at you, but while staying centred deeply in you. 

3.The third is to stay centred but choose silence and withdrawal instead of stoking the fire. Sometimes people want a massive reaction back from us. But they're surprised as hell if we stay centred and completely agree with them and then choose silence. Then the whole circuitry of the projection program that was just playing out, looking for a reaction, short circuits. To some people, the fight means love (e.g. love means they'll fight or fight for you) in which case, don't give them what they've always known as fight in place of love, give them love. 


If in doubt, ask how would king or queen me would handle this shiz? Then do that. But more than that. How do you let go of the tension too in those moments and create space to literally breathe your way back into you? So that you can stay present with how you really want to show up and love each other and grow together in that moment?


Boundaries, they're the shiz for helping you create a life you truly love and that the others with you love too. 


Until next time, have fun, take care 


Nat xxoo

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Nat xxoo