On leaning into the tension of hard conversations

Every time I jump on social media at the moment, I seriously worry for the younger generations about our future capacity to build and maintain meaningful and long lasting relationships; whether friendships, romantic partnerships or meaningful professional relationships.  A dozen times a week, I jump on IG, or FB and get bombarded with personal development memes that have clearly got mass traction. But after 30 years of taking a personal and professional interest in what it takes to build and maintain meaningful connection, and heal all that’s getting in the way of it, I am so concerned by how much of it constitutes REALLY bad, incomplete or plan old counter-intuitive relational advice. Especially the several dozen ones that are essentially telling you to avoid all the hard parts and discard anyone with whom there is ever problems, tension, or the need to have a hard conversation.


Telling people to 'get rid of anyone who disrupts our inner peace', to 'never give second chances once someone did wrong by us one time', to 'take people’s past behaviour as a reliable indicator of your/their future' and to 'stop chasing people and let anyone who thinks we’re worth it do all the work in chasing US' might seem like great advice and validating to someone who’s ever been in a relationship that got hard and painful.  But the trouble is though, that such notions are just NOT realistic in practice, when it comes to the strategy of HOW to create and maintain long term relationships of a whole range of different kinds. Why?


For one, good luck with succeeding in creating a mutually beneficial and mutually fulfilling relationship, when we swing in the OTHER direction…and then become the one making all the demands….and demanding that the OTHER party does all the work. If it wasn’t fulfilling for US to be on the receiving end of ANOTHER having things their own one-way and calling all the shots, how can we imagine another is going to find US now doing the same in making it all one way, serving OUR way, going to be in any way, long term fulfilling for THEM? Let alone sustainable? 


But more than that, because humans are humans….and we’re deeply flawed, nuanced and complex, as well as remarkable, captivating and amazing in many of our best moments . We weren’t born perfect and often nobody taught up how to do relationships “right” in the first place. So this whole business of human, is experiential learning on the ground, in the muddy tenches of personal growth. We learn through experience and relationships are one of the places in which we learn the most, the fastest. And consequently, through the attachments we develop with them, that often provide us with the internal motivation to want to heal and grow into something more, something better, FOR the benefit of others, as much as for ourselves.


In this sense, leaning into hard conversations is where so much of the growth is. And is an essential skill to be able to successfully grow and nurture relationships over the long term. As is the ability to REPAIR them; to heal both minor and major injuries, forgive and go on to live and give again TOGETHER, despite our ever accruing experience of relational hurts, as well as successes, over time. That’s a whole other book in itself. But I ask you honestly, then why are so called “Experts” (most of whom, like myself, are stilling clearly healing themselves) so preoccupied with telling people to AVOID leaning into relational resolution and hard conversations, at any cost? 

Quote: “When we avoid hard conversations, we’re not keeping the peace. We’re just keeping the tension.”

After seeing this quote  pop up this week, let’s look a little deeper look at the complexities of both avoiding AND leaning into the tension of hard conversations. Given that doing so requires authenticity and vulnerability, we’ll also come out the other side of this with a process that will help us deliver our honesty in such conversations, in a way that will be optimally received. (Complimentary to my last blog on eye contact and how to be present well and authentically in any given conversation. And is especially important to practice during the more challenging of chats.)



Firstly, here are some reasons, why I agree…




Sometimes, when we don’t just name the awkward energy, or ask the awkward question, we’re actually delay a needed resolution of a very real issue, within a functional relationship. 

One that could be achieved really simply, and very often in 3-4 sentences of exchange and in less than 2 mins of our time, if we just named the proverbial elephant in the room. So if we DON’T, if we avoid the hard conversation, we maintain the tension of anxiety, angst, hurt and or ruminating in silence…and thus delay the restoration of closeness and peace that would come with discussing what the issue is, and how one or both parties can be more mindful of this and act in ways that better accommodate each others needs, or boundaries in future. In this regard, a minor relational wound then stays irritated. As opposed to it healing.


In this way, any misunderstandings, or misconception at play, stay at play. And how much preventable, unnecessary  anxiety, pain and suffering, might one or both parties go through as a result? While trying to avoid conflict and keep the peace? Until they uncover the misconception, and the actual truth? The emotional safety within the otherwise functional connection, thus also remains potentially compromised during that time. Because one or both parties are not talking about what is really needed, that would heal and move things forward. 



When we overthink/overanalyse, instead of just having the awkward conversation to ask what someone needs, we can also end up projecting and perpetuating tension that may not actually exist with them


If we try and keep the peace by avoiding the tension of just asking someone about what their needs and boundaries are about such things in any given relationship, we can actually end up projecting various kinds of imagined tension too. As is often the case for the anxiously attached among us, for not just asking, we can also end up spending a lot of time overanalysing, or worrying about what every single word that they say, or every single action that they take, must mean. And incorrectly attributing any given change that happens in them, as having been caused by something that we did or said either “right” or “wrong.” Overthinking it too, can start to cause the very kind of tension we fear developing, because, in a form of self-fulfilling prophecy, we end projecting the reality of the very thing we fear happening onto them anyway. And then start reacting to and relating with them as though something very wrong is presently happening. When actually it isn’t.


With this kind of anxious overthinking tendency, we’re actually better off practicing just asking people early on how they like to communicate, what their needs and boundaries are and how they like to address things when there’s a concern. And then trusting in both what answers they gave us as true. And trusting them to tell us if and when something is ever legitimately wrong.




Worst, case, that avoidance of issues and needed conversations to resolve them, results in a relational death


Worst case, the biggest risk with avoiding the vulnerability and akwardness of such conversations about major relational injuries, is that the unresolved pain and tension becomes too much, so that one party then pulls all the way out, because both the pain and severity of the open wound and lack of appropriate action taken to resolve this, becomes terminal. Potentially for both parties, as both then react to each other’s actions and reactions, and the pain and the grief process of rupture, instead of resolution, escalates and perpetuates into a relational death. Thus, the not getting vulnerable and leaning into having the hard conversation that needs to be had in a timely manner, in order to save the relationship, can guarantee the tension of an ending. Whether a preventable one in an otherwise functional, mutually compatible relationship. Or, a necessary one in a not truly compatible relationship.




Other times, us withholding necessary truths, delays inevitable and necessary relational endings


Sometimes, personally and professionally, there are situations where (relative to our values, goals, needs or requirements) we have genuine, long term incompatibilities with others. And the ownership and communication of such truths, would lead to one or both parties making a decision to seek out someone else, who’s a better fit with what they’re looking to create and how they want to interact.  And or or a better fit with any group/the community/the company culture or team culture, values and ethics that may be associated with that. 


Therefore, the withholding of one or both parties truth around where they’re really at and what they really need, can result in a kind of false compatibility and connectivity, while both parties assume that they’re on the same page. But in reality, really aren’t. In the short term, this might maintain some peace, while one or both parties get some short term needs met. But long term, the actual truth will slowly start to reveal itself through action, regardless of what authentic truth we’re withholding. So, not being honest both delays the clash of tension…and/or potentially worsens the tension that will result when the truth finally comes out. And or, as any acts of deliberate deception and dishonesty, are realised and processed.  In such cases, a death that needed to happen, is being delayed, instead of just ripping the bandaid off early. And both parties trusting in that they can attract for themselves (and or life can align for them), a better fit for both.



As a professional example, that could be the person who applies for a permanent sales job in a health business founded by someone deeply passionate about promoting a wellness lifestyle. That says they’re also interested in wellness at the interview. But are hiding that their idea of exercise in lifting the remote, that they eat Macca’s once a day, drink and do more recreational drugs weekly than a rockstar on a bender, and they think Mental Health is ridiculous and a waste of time. And are deliberately withholding that they also just see the job as a means to meet the bills for now, until something better comes along. While the owner wants someone who’s on the same page, values and passion wise, and is going to be deeply committed to the cause. They too might want someone urgently and be tempted to compromise just to get someone and resolve the tension of an unmet need, that is making their life harder while they’re doing the extra workload of this job too.


But if they knew where this candidate was really at, they would immediately reject this candidate as unsuitable. Any deception or withholding of the truth that then happens in that interview, by either party not revealing the truth of what they really want and need, would just delay the uprising of tension that result from them putting their true, authentic needs and desires on the table. Not to mention, potentially inflict a wound of betrayal, as one or both parties deliberate engage in deception of the other, and then this deception is eventually found out somehow. Avoiding in either case, the long term truth, to try and meet short term goals here, is just delaying the tension of an inevitable ending.




For a personal example, say 2 people are assessing each other for a long term romantic partnership, where someone is a thousand percent certain at the start of a relationship that they not only love and want kids, but want to be with someone who also wants to create a family tribe of half a dozen of them. While the other person is a thousand percent certain that they absolutely hate kids and never, ever want to have kids, let alone be around kids in any personal or professional capacity EVER. While either party withholds this knowledge on their early dates, they might well meet several of each others needs, that they can justify pursuing the chemistry of a physical connection as fulfilling needs in the short term. Until they spend more time together. At which time, life starts to put them in situations involving kids, and the truth starts to reveal itself through their reactions and interactions with them, in those instances.


So the withholding of the truth of their desires and needs around kids in the meantime, also prevents a “necessary” clashing/polarising against each other’s values; the tension of which might lead to an ending, as what both parties REALLY want (and the consideration of a life with that need NOT met) comes to light.  Hence the keeping of the peace short term, by not speaking up, just delays the tension and the process of a necessary rejection and ending. That would lead to party A finding someone more suitable they could have their Sound of Music style tribe of kids with and or spend time with kids with personally and or professionally, and person B finding someone that feels similarly about not having or being around kids. 


When the perceived compatibility and intimacy is based on both parties not being true to who they are and things like their core beliefs and values, it can create a kind of faux intimacy too. That “false” intimacy, might well still contain genuine love, care and respect for the differences OF the other party. But it’s also not necessarily connection based on deep, authentic, genuine compatibility, but rather imagined compatibility? Honesty, authenticity being a pillar stone of the development of authentic human connection, and trust, within a healthy, functional long term relationships of any kind. 




Also for a healthy relationship to be maintained and sustained over the long term, that same honesty also, ideally needs to be delivered with kindness, consideration, intentionality and purpose.  As the sharing of TOO much authentic honesty, without thought or regard for the consequences, can also have minor to major impacts on the quality of any given relationship.




BUT, honesty also needs to be intentional and purposeful in its expression. (What is the “just right” amount of honesty, compared to the effects of too little, or too much honesty?)


For a relationship to be sustainable long term, honesty also needs to be intentional and purposeful in its expression, relative to what purpose our sharing that particular insight or truth serves in the relationship. Plus relative to where and when the sharing of that particular truth does or doesn’t also serve the wellbeing and needs of the person in front of us. And or where it does or doesn’t also respect their unique sensitivities, triggers or wounds.  



Too much honesty without thought can also create relational tension and damage

At the other extreme to the “too little honesty” we just talked about impairing the development and progression of authentic connection, is the other extreme, where “too much authentic sharing”, without any regard for the potential impacts of our truths just spontaneously shared without thought or regard for the impact of our sharing, can also damage or, worst case, destroy human connection with another and become an obstacle to future communication and engagement with any given person.  Because it might well start to feel unsafe to be around for the other. 


A bit like Jack Nicholson’s gruff writer character (Melvin) learns with his gay artist neighbour, Simon (Greg Kinnear) and waitress friend, Carol (Helen Hunt) in the movie As Good As It Gets, as, over the course of the movie, he has no choice but to come face to face with witnessing the extreme hurt and pain that his self-centric, unfiltered sharing of his innermost self-serving thoughts , desires and choices have caused those closest to him over time. And he’s forced to feel something about it, as each MAKES him look them in the eyes and bare witness to them all crying in front of him, and telling him about the pain they feel as a result of how he has behaved. With him then grappling with what companionship and who he’s going to lose if he can’t just swallow his pride and adapt his communicating and relating approach, to better serve those who he has come to care about the most. To share with them how he really feels and adapt to treating them in a manner that more honestly reflects how much he actually cares AND respects their feelings and sensibilities too as a part of that. 


While we might well WISH that someone would just show up and love and accept us at our best AND worst, of just saying and doing whatever the hell we like, and or, who’d tolerate our toddler style temper tantrums, as a grown adult trying to create healthy relationships, I’m sorry, but on the ground, that’s just not realistically sustainable in practice.



Worst case, the damage too much brutal honesty causes, can end relationships

Because too much honesty without thought or ownership, or with self serving purpose, can also result in minor to extreme amounts of relational tension and conflict. And thus, when it becomes perceived as having violated a boundary or a core, non negotatible need, value or requirement of one party, and or the other party doesn’t seem to care about the consequences or acknowledge the need to respect or fix it, it can potentially result in relational deaths. Unless, we take the time to consider within each given relationship, what would constitute the “just right” amount of honesty (and caring action) with this particular person? And in this particular situation?




As a remedy to both too little and too much honesty alike, both early on in the relationship, and then at necessary later intervals throughout the relationship, we can practice asking each other questions about our preferred communication styles, and what works best for us and what we need. As much as we can check if there is anything that they know of that really doesn’t work for them, or really triggers them in workplace or personal communication. In other words, dig into what does good and bad communication look like to them personally? And what does resolving a concern in a healthy way look like to them? Verses a “bad” way? And then do our best to honour this. Plus reasonably adjust our future approach to be considerate of such things. 



Plus, if research tells us that the optimal balance in feedback is creating 5 positive touch points, to every 1 awkward conversation or negatively weighted piece of feedback we need to give, then we can also take the time to see, acknowledge and thank people for doing things that we appreciate and that work really well for us, when they do them, as a part of relational nurturing and building harmony and psychological safety.



As we gather such necessary information needed to better understand each other and each other’s needs, we can then be more conscious, intentional and purposeful in how we share with them. Communicating our honest truths to them, in ways that are phrased and delivered to be mindful and respectful of such things. (As well as considering our own. ) And therefore, maximise the chances of our authentic, but kind honesty being received well.


As I was writing my book, I looked at a process for assessing what exactly IS the “just right” amount of honesty. But also a process for adapting something that we want to share, into it’s most ideally receivable form. One that goes 4 steps further than the old measure of “is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” The challenge with that old adage being that almost 999 times out of 1000, almost every single person probably still deems that what they want to say IS still necessary in that moment...because in that moment, they’re FUELLED by the inner tension of trigger. Compelling them to just say it in that way, to make that person aware of SOMETHING important for them to know from our point of view. Only for us to often realise, AFTER the sharing of it  (and witnessing the aftermath, when the other reacts or responds back to us,) how much “necessary” might actually have been slanted to served US and OUR needs. BUT, not actually also to consider THEIRS? And thus, our “necessary” share potentially came at some cost to their wellbeing? Lord knows I’ve been guilty of delivering truth in a way that felt like a sledge hammer to others to receive, which is also why I developed the below process into a 7 step filter instead:




The 7 Filters- how we can litmus test if it’s “just right” to now share it?

1. Is it true? (How do we know for sure? Have we asked them if that’s how it really is for them? Or do I need to seek further clarification from them, in order to better understand what they really meant and their point of view? Am I being fully honest with myself about the truth of how I really feel, and where I’m really at too? Do I need to dig a bit deeper first?)
2. Is it accountable? (Is it all blame and accusation? Have I looked at how I might have contributed to this too and taken equal responsibility for my part in the development of the situation that is? Are there any ways in which I could have been clearer about what I needed, or where I was at, or what was required, that might have contributed to the development of this situation too? Thus, how can I take responsibility now, for communicating and or educating about what is needed going forward?) 
3. Is it valuable? (Considering the intentions, values, goals and all that I know about this relationship and or the communal environment this discussion is taking place within, is what I want to say relevant to the discussion? And in alignment with these factors? Does it add value in helping all parties move closer towards our shared goals and visions? As well as giving consideration to each parties individual ones and needs? Does it help create greater understanding, connection, compassion and or relatability between parties, over the long term?)
4. Is it balanced? Does it also identify and amply acknowledge everything that works well and is going very right? Does it also amply express my/our gratitude and appreciation for all of the things that they’re doing well and that I/we appreciate about them? Does it amply acknowledge and honour the truth of what brought us together so emphatically in the first place?
5. Is it trusting? In that it is seeing and expecting the best of them? Does it give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume innocence over deliberate, or malicious intent? Am I/we delivering it as I/we would delver it to someone who I/we trusted things to work out optimally with over the long term? Who is as equally invested as us in that optimal outcome?
6. Is it STILL necessary? (After considering all of that, do I/we still need to say it? Or is it actually something that I need to acknowledge for myself? And or can maybe resolve independently of having to involve them? Or do I need to work some “heat” out of it first, before I try and communicate what my concern/s are?)
7. Is it kind and respectful in the delivery? Is it an expression of my/our open heart and higher intelligence? Is how I’m planning to say it, delivering it with as much loving intent, compassion and respect behind it as I/we can cultivate? How can i/we deliver a painful truth with greater gentleness and mindfulness of the potential impact?) 

When we apply this, it doesn’t take the authenticity out. But it allows us to refine the delivery of our honesty, into a form that will take the most amount of anxiety and discomfort out of it, in the other’s receiving of it. It puts it in a form that increase the trust and psychological safety between us. And therefore increases both the capacity for the other party to engage. As well as increases the possibility of achieving optimal outcomes.




Not to mention that, when we lean into the awkward conversation, instead of avoid it just to keep the peace, we get to practice building both our practical skill in resolving relational injuries in a healthy way. PLUS, we get to build our emotional resilience in being able to tolerate uncomfortable relational situations on our own two independent feet. (Without having to bring in a personal or professional 3rd parties still all the time to help us get the job done.) 




As we build both, and then continue to lovingly lean into awkward conversations, paradoxically, this actually results in greater peace and harmony within the relationship. And builds our trust in that, with the right intent, we really can work through so many more things than we might have first thought were possible.




 When both parties do lean into the tension and try to heal and resolve it, remarkable things can happen.



But BOTH parties need to be equally willing to lean in to achieve that outcome.  Regrettably, for one reason or another, sometimes one or both parties just might not feel ready to, might not feel safe to, might not want to, or feel like it’s worth, or you’re worth the leaning in that would be required to work through things. And in such circumstances, there’s only so far you can fight for a thing, before you have to surrender to respecting someones free will and their choices?  And or to not further torturing both parties, trying to demand that someone work through something that they just might not be equipped in this lifetime yet, with the capacity to successfully navigate, or fully understand?



Paradoxically, when we DON’T lean into resolution and forgiveness, in order to restore our inner peace, the crazy thing is, that we actually end up holding the tension (&the trauma) of the unresolved injury. And so the wound never fully heals and we never fully find peace? 



Which I can only chalk up to being unfortunate. When I know first hand how powerfully things can be healed and transformed, when we DO find the courage to lean in. Again, last blog’s wisdom on face to face contact and eye contact, and being willing to meet people, open heart and soul, to open heart and soul, being as essential component of this process too, in the being able to see each others authentic feelings and expression as we do. And heal and transform as a result of that kind of vulnerability?


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It’s not easy, but it’s worth it, leaning into the hard ones. There’s not only peace and healing, but growth, resilience, rebirth and renewal possible on the other side. Dare I say it, I think the world needs role models of how to successfully lean into this process now more than ever. The future of our relationships of all kinds everywhere, personal and professional, I believe, are hanging upon our willingness to try.


Thank you as always, for taking the time to read my rambling. I appreciate you xx


Until next time...


Nat 
xx