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Thoughts from the
Nativerse |
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 By taking the time to look each other in the eyes…and not just go through the social motions. But REALLY connect. But what does that really even mean? And if we often make eye contact with up to hundreds or more people a day, how do we do it in a way that allows for a more meaningful quality of connection? And do we fully understand how and when we’ve actually stopped meaningfully connecting with people, while we’re still looking right at them, during however many interactions we have with others throughout the course of a day? And why that disconnect happens? But also what can result (in terms of things blowing up) when our heart and soul centred energy and presence drops off and out of the connection? This blog is an article exploring these questions. As well as offers processes for how we can connect more intentionally and meaningfully, for the betterment of our personal and professional connections of all varieties. And disarm many common conflicts, before they ever become a thing. Let’s start with the first question. What does that really even mean? At some point on social media, you’ve probably seen one of those videos where they show pairs of people, one after the other, doing a practice called eye gazing with each other? Where they sit opposite one another and, for 60-120 seconds or so, both parties are asked to say nothing and do nothing else, but just try and focus their full attention on the other person, while maintaining eye contact with them for that length of time? Traditionally, many people often find this exercise very confronting, as well as profoundly moving. If our eyes are the proverbial windows to the soul, and we’re allowing someone to look into our windows for that amount of time, all kinds of stuff can come up for us about what we fear that they might see inside, that we’re afraid for them to know. Or afraid of what they’d think of us, and of what might change for the worse, if they knew that we felt or thought that way, or had that thing going on? Other times, we might see things in the other that we might find hard to look at, that leads us to want to look away…looking right at it often means also having to feel something about it as we do. Sometimes something uncomfortable. And even worse, we might be worried that they’ll SEE in real-time, us judging, or reacting negatively to some part of them that we just saw, that mirrors back some “stuff” within us, that we’re yet to have fully made sense of. Or owned. Or worked on. Such fearful thoughts can see us then lock ourselves up in our heads, overthinking about problems from the past, or foreseeing worrying consequences in the future, without us really, truly being THERE and present with the other in the moment. BUT, when we DO make an effort to just let all of that overthinking go and lean into the moment with the other, remarkable things start to happen. Inevitably during the eye gazing exercise, beyond the times where one party breaks eye contact momentarily, and then reconnects, there are so many times times where they end up smiling, laughing, spontaneously crying, looking upon the other with a sense of curiosity, greater appreciation and a level of compassion and understanding, that often defies words or explanation. And yet somehow you’re connecting and truly comprehending and coming to understand the other, in a record amount of time. Often faster than we get to with words; trying to intellectually reason our way through a verbal conversation with them, to get to a similar level of intellectual understanding. And therein, is the truly beautiful thing about it. The way that it reconnects two souls, heart to heart, almost immediately. It has a way of bringing us back into deeper connection, with our true, authentic selves. And it bonds us in a level of universal wisdom and inner knowing, that somehow transcends any given thing that we might do, or experience throughout any given day, as a part of the daily business of being human. In a way that starts to make all the little things we do our own heads in worrying over every day, seem far less important in the grand scheme of things. Relative to what really matters most to us in life. For me, amidst all the “unsafety” one can perceive at times in interacting with the darker side of human behaviour (and the stress, exhaustion, emotional overwhelm, pain and trauma that often lie at the centre of it,) connecting with people’s eyes in that way, actually feels to me like the safest and most appealing place on the planet to co-exist with any given other. We get to the heart and the deeper purpose within all those things there. It’s the place I feel, where we remember who we really are and why we’re really here. Resting in this place, we become inspired to want to bring forward the best of us, for the benefit of others. And in this place, all the conditions, the fight flight reactivity, the pain and triggers and the urge to play in any of it, start to melt away, and give way to the pure experience of a higher, more unconditional kind of love. And give way to being moved to show up and be and do what that higher, unconditional form of love would do. As I was saying to some colleagues recently, I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that I live for connecting meaningfully with others in this way. And for finding ways to connect others in this way. Once you’ve experienced the vast benefits (and the hits of human bonding hormones that you get in the process, like oxytocin, and or the hit of serotonin that comes too when we’re connecting with others in a way that feels safe and secure), it’s hard to want to go back to the ‘old’ way of relating. Because of how much clearer, easier, more honouring, more peaceful and how much psychologically safer AND effective communication becomes when done with eyes and hearts truly connected. Plus how easily common, everyday conflicts, AND especially bigger relational conflicts, can so easily be deescalated and resolved in the energy of this kind of meaningful, eye to eye connection. Not to mention how much faster we can establish and nurture the right kind of relationships, for the right reasons, within this energy. Though, yes, the complexity and the price of entry to stay over for longer periods in that soulfully, eye-connected space, is the ownership we inevitably have to take of what comes up for us in the process of going there, that might make us want to run away from going anywhere near it. So if we want to spend more of our time residing with a greater range of humans in this eye, heart and soul connected communication space, let alone show up in service to them in some way, in a really high quality way, and get much better quality experiences and outcomes from that time, then that means we’ve got some work to do on healing all the limiting beliefs. judgements and “stuff” we’re hanging onto, that’s getting in the way of us all being able to experience that kind of pure, soul-level love. Some or the beliefs and judgements most commonly getting in the way, for example, relate also to stranger danger, or societal norms about who it is and isn’t socially acceptable to connect with in this more authentic, and deeper way. And what it must mean if someone looks at you in this way. Like“if someone looks at me like that, it must mean they’re sexually or romantically attracted to me, but that’s not what I want with them.” Combined with “it freaks me out and is not ok to make eye contact with anyone but a romantic partner, or someone really close to me in that way.” Or “it’s not ok to connect deeply and meaningfully with people at my work, or in my work.” (Why though? Does it really mean what we think it means? And what is the resistance REALLY about behind that? What are we really afraid is going to happen if we do? What experience, or outcome, are we trying to avoid? Or what action are we maybe worried that we’ll do? Or what reaction are we worried that we’ll have? What might we be worried that we can’t handle? In addition to having a lot of fears related to seeing or being seen, we also have A LOT of conditions, don’t we, about who can love who, and exactly how and where and when we’re allowed to do that!? Let alone, in our culture that’s now become so self obsessed with personal needs and boundaries, God forbid we should risk coming to care about, or have invested any time and energy in the “WRONG” kind of person? The funny thing is though, that soul level love has SO MANY thousands of layers of potential expression more to it, than ONLY intimate, or romantic attachment. Or only the close attachments we allow ourselves to feel with parents or children, siblings, close family members or best friends. But in my personal experience, sometimes it’s not that we can’t experience greater love, or depth of connection with a whole range of others. Like some random stranger at a therapeutic event, or the chatty person at the bus stop. Or the friend, or adopted child, who we might end of considering and adopting as a part of our proverbial “soul family,” with equal emotional investment considered ‘normal’ to someone in our biological family of origin. But it’s often that we’re actually making a choice, for whatever reason, NOT to. Which is fine, we all have free will. And the right to ask for that free will to be respected by others. But the trade off, if we continue to hold so many limiting beliefs about love’s expression, is that we might also risk blocking out and missing out on the potential of some really growth-eliciting, healing, or transformative, not to mention emotionally meaningful human experiences at times too, because of the barriers we’ve put up TO love. We might miss what higher purpose this interaction potentially held for us? And what potential growth and gifts were on offer to both parties, as a result of this experience? IF we so chose to engage with them. Whether total strangers, or the people we spend the most time with. Other times, quite understandably in this day and age, we also might just not have the time, the energy or the ability to go there. (Sad, isn’t it though, that our modern life and vast investment in productivity hacks and pursuit of convenience, has somehow cost us the time and capacity to prioritise equally, deep and meaningful connection???) WHERE AND WHEN OUR PRESENCE DROPS OFF IN EVERY DAY LIFE Other times, when we DO actually want to have meaningful interactions with others, there can be other factors, like fatigue, or exhaustion, work or life stress, emotional overwhelm from dealing with too much at once in our hectic modern life, or trauma, that can impair our capacity to stay open to having those meaningful, face to face engagements. When we’re hyper busy When we get hyper busy, e.g. while we’re getting slammed with task on top of 40-400 other requests, tasks or meetings at work, when there’s a task and to do list at home and or elsewhere in our personal lives, that feels like there are 100 things to get done urgently by the end of the day, for the several different parties currently demanding our attention, the connection part often goes out the window? Why? For some of us, it’s because we’ve gone into what I call “get shit done” mode, where you’re trying to get to the bottom of what the problem is, in no more than a paragraph, so that you can engineer a solution just as fast, and then move onto the next concern. You don’t want, or mean to cut people off from the amount of time and attention you WISH you had to give them. BUT, when you have a line of 5-800 people and or tasks to get through, or 3-50-400 kids coming at you with their competing needs and demands at a time, and only X amount of time to get to all of them in, we’ve got to get and stay solution focused to be able to make tangible progress. And or to effectively delegate what we can, to who else we might also have available to help with the load. While there’s ways to ensure quality of connectivity in these moments despite brevity, there’s only so much time and therefore depth of exploration we can give each person in the queue at times. Regardless of how much time and energy they may want, or need. So there can be time related limits. And, then there can be energy related limits. When we’re tired, stressed and overwhelmed (and or trauma triggers kick in) As the day goes on, the whole time, the demand for our energy, presence and attention stays the same, while our energy levels and optimal level of responsiveness, are slowly on the decline, the further we get through the day. If it’s been a hard day, a hard week, a hard month, or a hard couple of years, and thus we’re feeling stressed and our bodies are operating largely now in fight-flight mode, our emotional resilience and tolerance of external stress, including of other people’s reactivity, can also be down on what we ideally need it to be. Sometimes just because our internal energetic batteries only last so long, before we need time to sit down and recharge. Other times, when there’s A LOT going on, because our attention and energy has started to go back inwards, and or possibly diverted to defensive strategies, to maximise our risk of survival. Which means that we’re beaming less love and intent to be of loving service unconditionally outwards. And therefore, we’re not watching the other party, and or listening to them, with the same level of grounded calmness, presence, attentiveness and enthusiasm, to what we were earlier in the day…and surprise surprise, they can actually feel that! And this is where many of the fights begin over needs not met. Particularly if our energy is down enough now that we react back, instead of responding back to the task and situation at hand. Unresolved wounds and traumas, and triggers related to them, can be a contributing factor to our lack of availability here too, when a particular trigger kicks in, and then pulls our focus into acknowledging some unhealed imprint of experience past, that is leading us to tend to react, or respond in a particular way towards a circumstance we perceive to be similarly challenging in the present moment. So that our energy then gets pulled into certain levels of the fight-fight-freeze-or fawn cascade of responses. BUT then we’re also distracted from giving our energy and attention to the person in the present moment, by being simultaneously preoccupied with BOTH the experience of the past trauma that we’re reliving, but also now potentially reenacting with yet another person in the present moment. ALL of which, can distract us from actually SEEING, and FEELING and INTERACTING with the actual person right in front of us, in the present moment. Trauma has a way thus, of getting in the way of the accuracy of communication and the perception of another’s true meaning. Because trauma effectively projects a movie about the situation, onto a movie screen that’s sitting 5 cm in front of the person you’re talking to’s face. And then the person WITH the trauma trigger, talks to the movie image, as though it WERE the person, instead of to the actual person behind it. While the other party, 5 cm behind the projector screen, stands there baffled and mystified as to who on earth this person is actually talking to in this moment, because they’re seemingly having a whole dialogue with someone that they're struggling to understand how it actually relates to THEM. So God help us when BOTH parties are then triggered at the SAME TIME, talking to 2 different projections, but not actually to each other! NO ONE is perceiving the other accurately in that situation, UNTIL, one or both parties realise that they’re “triggered” and “projecting.” And then come back into tuning into each other in the present moment. In all instances above, managing our own defences and reactivity also takes a level of energy that we might now be depleted of, while the expectations of our personal or professional time, or both at the same time, still stay the same. Until such time as we communicate where we’re at to the other party, to effectively manage the expectations of others, in line with what we do have available to give in this moment. And what we may need to postpone until a later time. Or delegate potentially to someone else (where and when that’s possible,) in order to ensure that they get their needs addressed in the most optimal of ways. And or, get a MUCH higher quality of engagement FROM us. When we’ve never been taught how, or been given an opportunity to practice connecting with others in this deep, authentic, meaningful way Yet other times, some of us just grew up without role modelling or teachings on how to manage any of these things above effectively, in work or personal life. Other times, unless we’ve had specific customer service training, therapeutic training, or communication skills or leadership skills training, we might never have been specifically taught HOW to build rapport, trust and safety with others in social settings. Or how to build rapport and connection meaningfully in personal and professional situations. And thus, have we come to understand how and why focussing our attention outward to listen to the other first, why focusing on asking the other questions about them (before we just talk about us and what we want or need), or why things like direct eye contact and or mirroring of body language, for example, are so important in social interaction? Without such training or experience with these practices, we might not yet understand the importance of being (what Mentors of mine once called) “attention out” and “fully present” with others. (As opposed to us being so intently focused on how it affects us, and what WE and our manifestation list get out of the dynamic.) Other times, we just might not have been raised in, or had the benefit of socialising or working in environments or industries where people were particularly embodying more deep and authentic forms of human connection. Or maybe we just grew up in settings or circumstances with others, where others needs always came before our own? So that we had to shut down and become hyper-independent in having to meet our own needs, rather than having had an opportunity to practice being more open, authentic and vulnerable with others about who we are, where we’re at, what we care about and what we need? That later in life, when someone finally shows up sincerely interested in us and deeply concerned about things like our happiness, our growth and with meeting our needs TOO, we can be unsure how the freaking hell to be with that? Let alone what to say and do back, to meet them back in this dynamic? One in which, heaven forbid, what might actually EXACTLY what we need too?) That’s just a handful of reasons we can be internally UNavailable to show up to these kinds of meaningful eye contact moments. While we might have many of these as humans in common, the exact things getting in the way for any given one of us, are often highly unique. And require a bespoke, uniquely tailored approach to get to the bottom of and resolve each person’s unique set of “blocks” to the experience and expression of greater love. Some of it though, is somewhat universal. So what I CAN give you for today, is a process for HOW we can do the whole eye gazing thing with others, in a way that maximises the quality of the many of the different kinds of human connections that can exist between us and any given other. Personal or professional. (It’s basically a training process in a blog, so feel free to take a break and come back to this with attention at full and ready to take notes, because, put into practice, these next bits can and WILL change your life for the better in the most wonderful ways. BUT, that being said, also, if and when people start inadvertently thinking that they’re falling in love with you more of the time, please DON’T blow up my inbox SHOOTING the messenger! Please DO just ask me for a session to discuss, and to ask any questions that you might have about any of this, k? Ok, now let’s continue….) THE PROCESS: How do we do that form of meaningful “eye gazing,” rather than just regular old eye contact then? Getting there, requires us setting some specific intentions first about how we want to interact; ones that totally change the experience of the dynamic. Before we also need to do some specific actions while with the person, that lead to that deeper level of heart centred, soulful presence.
If there were a little icon, like the battery icon on your mobile phone that represented your body, imagine inhabiting and filling up the whole thing, from your feet, to your head, and the electromagnetic field circulating all around you, fully up with the energy of you. Intend also to connect with your heart and your higher intelligence. Eg, the intuitive, all-knowing part of you that can download and provide you all the answers that you need to navigate this interaction with the greatest amount of loving care, ease, efficiency and grace. If there are benevolent ‘higher” consciousnesses (whatever your name for them) on your proverbial spiritual support team that you connect with for support, now would also be a great time to ask them for help with creating an optimal experience and outcome with this person/group of people. And or for protection/help with managing any 3rd party influences that might seek to interfere or get in the way of the realisation of the desired outcome. Once you’ve done that, then (& I cannot emphasise ENOUGH how game changing level important these next steps really are:)
a) being of higher service to the other within this moment b) look for the best within them and things to appreciate and be grateful for about them c) expect the best of them d) be open to believing in and receiving the best possible outcome with them*. (*especially if you have a known history of trauma, and or a tendency towards negativity bias and hyper-vigilantly looking for signs of more stranger dangerin others, practicing a)-d) becomes even MORE important, to retrain your brain to instead come from a place of trust, by making a deliberate effort to look for these things about others INSTEAD.) e) switch into being the observer and the listener (instead of being the speaker and just waiting for your turn to speak.) Be willing to listen fully in order to come to understand the other party and what meaning they’re truly trying to impart to us in their non verbal communication AND their words, as distinct from what we THINK they mean and just said. (Remember, we never really know for sure, until we ask, and would do well to always consider what we THINK they mean, to be an assumption, a yet unproven hypothesis, until we get verbal confirmation FROM them, that they do or don’t really mean, what we THOUGHT that they meant. Also: f) be willing to lean in and stay present, no matter what comes up…even if gets uncomfortable. (It can help to remind and reassure ourselves with thoughts like, that the discomfort won’t last forever, that we’re not alone, if these people, and our spiritual support team, have our back, then we ARE safe… and there will be more love and happy, positives to come, to balance out this moment… and life rarely gives us anything that we’re not equipped to handle too. Plus it also helps remembering why this connection is worth the time and effort, or why we do what we do, as a few examples of things that will help us stay IN, rather than pull OUT of the moment.) g) intend to stay open, compassionate and suspend judgment of whatever comes up in this space, without needing to respond in any way to it yet. (Carl Rogers once called this meeting a client with what he called “unconditional positive regard” while listening to them for as long as they needed to be heard.”) While practically we may not be able to do that, like him, for the length of a therapy session, the point is to listen to understand, while trying not to pass judgment, just acknowledge where they’re at and their experience, before trying to move to anything else. Which also requires, h) complete and total ownership of our own sh%t (our triggers, our feelings, our urges to react etc) when they come up (in real life situations, instead of allowing ourselves to get pulled into hurling our reactivity straight back at them in response to however they show up.) People’s perception of our psychological safety to be around, actually goes up drastically when we both intend to do this AND, in everyday life, when they see live evidence of us actually doing it live in the moment.) Which is why intending to be self accountable is SO very important to this meaningful dynamic manifesting in real time. Which brings me too: i) give some consideration to how you can show up in order to help them personally feel more comfortable and safe throughout the length of the dynamic. Consider “what could I be thinking AT them and what energy could I be sending them right now, while looking at them, that makes it safer for them to open up to having this experience with me and helps them feel both seen, valued, respected and supported?” (Which can be something as simple as think AT them “it’s ok, I got you. I’m right here with you. Feel me sending you care, love and warm, good, positive vibes. I want you to feel heard, seen, valued, safe and supported. I want you to feel happy and fulfilled. How can I help? What do you need? I want to help you find a solution to this problem. I genuinely want to help you grow, to be happy, to feel fully seen, respected and supported,” as a few examples. (Depending on what context you’re witnessing this person within, what intent you set and send, might obviously change.) It might also involve given consideration to noticing things like what specific things triggers them (in the environment around us, with others, or perhaps about my tone of voice, approach, current mood or energy?) What appears to challenge or be a struggle for them…and how can I both be respectful of, AND support them to stay present in this space, DESPITE that? People can totally feel it though when we do this. As much as they can feel the weight of ANY positive or negative thing we think at them in the process, when some part of us is secretly thinking we’d literally rather be anywhere else. AND they can feel it when our attention wanders, and or if our energy is depleted or drops off. So if your attention does happen to wander at any point, don’t stress, but DO: j) forgive yourself and try again. Forgive yourself for being a normal human in 2024, trying to navigate all the noise of life and social interaction and just re-focus on the other party again. Rejoin eye contact. Tune your attention back outwards again to noticing everything that goes on with their eyes, their subtle facial expressions and their energy as you keep looking at each other. And if you find your attention wanders again at any point, or you get distracted, forgive yourself again and come back again to focusing on listening to and noticing all that’s going on with their face, body language, expressions and energy. Until there’s a need to verbally respond. In the exercise version of this, at the end of the 60sec-2min exercise, you would normally then have a quick verbal check in with each other about what you just experienced with each other and how that was for both of you. In practicing this in every day life and the natural flow of conversation though, you would simply reserve any observations that came to you in the process, until the next moment in the conversation where the other has finished their point and it’s now your opportunity to respond. Any questions that you have about what they’re experiencing or what they mean, can organically be clarified then. How to use the process above to deescalate tension when someone gets triggered Extended into doing these practices as a conflict deescalation technique at work or in every life personal life, when someone starts to become reactive, the idea would be to then start from the top of the process above, (switch into your heart and soulful consciousness, ground and centre yourself within yourself fully and set all those intentions above, and slow down your own breathing.) Before then attempting to get their eye contact directly. Then:
Avoid where you can getting pulled into meeting and matching them on conflictual pace, energetic intensity, or body language at this point. But instead deliberately BREAK rapport with them now, to take the lead, with your breathing, your body language, your energy, your heart and soul centred intent AND words. To slow and calm things down. But also to raise the quality of the interaction back up into the energy of how you imagine 2 people who sincerely cared about the other would ideally show up to resolving an issue (e.g. with kindness, respect and mindfulness of how the way that we handle this, may impact the future of this dynamic.)
Send them love and whatever energy you think will help them feel safe in this moment. And think at them something like “I see you. See me, feel me seeing you, I’m here for you, I’m here to listen to you, I want you to feel safe and supported. I want to help. Please tell me, how can I help? What do you need?” If it’s someone close to and really significant for you too, I would also add some positives around “you mean the world to me, I really appreciate you and I don’t want to fight with you, I want to work this out. And I want to better understand how to do that. I want us both to feel safe and I’m all in to find ways through this that work for us both better. I’m here, I’m totally willing to work with you on that.” “I’d love to/it’s really important to me to find a mutually beneficial way through this.” Or any version of something similar that comes to you. The more you take a moment to just make eye contact with them, smile at them and “hold your frame,” as dancers would say, while you’re thinking these things at them, the better. Because the more time you pause, the more time they have to calm down out of “fight mode” or “flight mode” or “freeze mode.” (And you do too.) And the more you lead with this energy and stay in that, the more most people will actually adjust to match and mirror YOUR energy and intent actually. So hold strong to maintaining your presence and calling “the true soulful them” (beyond all the wounding and earthy drama) back into this dynamic with you. To work this out in a way that leaves both of you feeling better off and stronger for the experience. In a real life discussion, as soon as one of you realises that escalation into an argument or trigger is happening, it only takes one of you realising and then deciding to take the lead to start to bring it back. Even better when we both start to realise, then acknowledge and bring it back in time ideally to continue productively. Worst case, if things do start to get heated, from there onwards, we can name it and agree to take a moment to slow things down, to centre ourselves and reconnect in the energy of kindness, respect, safety and trust. With the intent of rejoining the chat with a better, more connected, calmer energy at an agreed point after. You’ll also find that this process will work a lot quicker with people you know. BUT, in public settings, it will be harder at times, with some people, to get them to come back out of fight mode. Why? Stranger danger. It takes time to build the initial rapport, trust and safety between 2 people, the kind that will allow them to lower any defences a little. Out of hyper-vigilance and threat-assessment mode. Plus things have changed from the 90’s, in which movies like Fight Club once talked about the phenomenon of how almost EVERYONE back then, would do literally ANYTHING to AVOID a fight. Welcome to 2024, where it often feels like almost EVERYONE is constantly ready for one, at a moments notice. But definitely where almost everyone living in a major city CONSTANTLY lives in a state of chronic HYPER-overstimulation, overwork, overstress and overwhelm. Addicted to the adrenaline of being constantly busy. Which means that more people than ever are now constantly walking the world in a state of flight flight activation, ready for a fight at a moments notice. Often needing one, in fact, to both GET that next hit of adrenaline, AND discharge all that excess mental, emotional and nervous energy, ahead of many having any other practice in place to help them to feel ok again. Or the self awareness of the need to do so. So you will find that, in moments, these processes might take a little longer to work on total strangers, in public settings, or people who have already approached you, clearly wanting to start a fight about something. Or about something that might REALLY be about something else. In such instances, I still do everything above, step for step . BUT, I find that it’s most important in such instances that you back up the non-verbal actions with words. And (because fight flight and trigger activated brains sometimes take a while to register the message, because of that projector screen in front, REPEAT the verbal message.) So finally:
For that one person that just won’t back down from the fight If, after some time, they stay committed to still aggressively communicating with you, then you might also have to:
(.e.g. it feels like we’re getting off topic from finding a solution, to getting stuck in arguing in the fine detail, our tone is becoming aggressive or argumentative/the language being used feels abusive/the emotional intensity (or charge) with which you’re communicating this to me right now is making me feel uncomfortable or unsafe) and:
Eg “I want to work this out with you/I want to help, but I’d appreciate it if we could please continue this with words, a tone and energy that conveys greater kindness and respect for each other, and supports both parties to feel comfortable and safe.” And or then bring focus back to how both parties can work together towards a resolution. E.g. “so what is it that you need from me from right now?” “What can I help you with right now?” “What action would you like me to take?” “How would you like things to be different in the future?” “How can I/we respond differently in future?” Then you would negotiate your way through the appropriate options, until you land one that can best work both ways. Many people, in realising what was going on, will then adjust tact. And likely shortly after apologise for any discomfort caused by their words or tone. And people that you know well might inquire further as to exactly what specific behaviours or actions they need to take differently, to ensure that they fully understand what else is required of them, to bring about a better future outcome next time. BUT, if they still refuse to back down from the fighting words and energy, and you don’t want to do that with them, then in really, clear, concise and direct language that a 5-7 year old could comprehend, then you might need to:
(Make sure you give them a chance to respond again In the positive, before escalating to threatening an ending to the discussion.) But, if they still can’t or won’t, then make it clear that the following types of actions will need to happen. For example
State that you want to work this out and help, but it’s becoming abusive/aggressive/unsafe, you’ve laid out the requirements of engaging further, but for now, you need to ask them to please take a break, or you yourself need to take a break for now, UNTIL we can resume this discussion with calmness, kindness and respect. Worst case, if they’re still highly aggressive or become physically abusive:
(Hopefully then, they will. But with that odd one in the bunch who still won’t back down, you may just need to follow through on that. And depending on the circumstance and the requirements of the particular space you’re in, if it’s a personal circumstance, get out of there. Or if it’s in a communal or work setting, work collaboratively with others, and with respect to also following whatever procedures parties are required to in that space, to keep you and anyone else in the vicinity you might be responsible for safe. Hopefully it never comes to this. Sometimes in life, unfortunately, there’s just nothing for it, but showing that one someone who is absolutely committed to the fight, that you absolutely won’t be putting up with their aggressive, abusive, adult tantrem behaviour, or any behaviour, intentional or not, that either feels unsafe to be around, or might result in physical as much as psychological harm to be around, while they’re failing to take responsibility for and manage it. Because they won’t always have the awareness of the need to stop, or learn a different way, until someone has the loving audacity to point out the problematic behaviour. And or until there is a consequence for it, that becomes the intrinsic motivator that leads to change. Inevitably though, I do believe the kind of higher, soulful energy that the practices in this blog bring forward, I think, is just as crucial a factor in someone finding that very intrinsic motivation to do so. Through them being reconnected with what is possible to experience, through others leading with the very loving, higher energy that these practices bring forward for them to experience. Having done my best (not always won) at utilising these processes in this article in practice, with up to 1000’s of people a day in a range of different public facing professional settings, over 15 years, and even with stats on public aggression in customer service and human service settings, as well as domestic settings, being at the worst ithey've been in a long time, I’ve found that the vast majority of people will STILL prefer to realign with a kinder and more optimal, mutually beneficial outcome. And will respond quickly to our soulful request/s to meet us back with the most soulful version of themselves, and love, kindness and respect, despite our wrongdoings. Asking for a little bit of higher dimensional help with that, in my personal experience, also has a way of expediting the ease and speed of the process. But the INTENT that we show up with in these circumstances, REALLY IS EVERYTHING. And while I can’t guarantee that the above processes will work on 100% of people, 100% of the time, what I DO feel extremely confident in affirming, is that they WILL dramatically improve the quality of engagement and the outcome that you will achieve with the VAST MAJORITY of people. Whether strangers, or the people we know well and or who mean the most to us, for both parties to get it right. Ok, so we got pretty deep and heavy there for a bit. So lets now take a breath and lighten it back up to finish. A final word on meaningful connection... In any case, the next time any of you hear me talk about the importance of really, truly connecting meaningfully with people, face to face, eye to eye, heart and soul, to heart and soul, in personal and professional settings, now hopefully you’ll have a better idea of what specifically that means. Plus what in practice that looks like and HOW to do it. My hope is that you’ll find many little bits and pieces in here that help set off some light bulbs of reflecting on how you could manage this one thing with this one particular person going forward. Or apply some of this in future at work. Or at home. And that hopefully you find some renewed hope, enthusiasm and inspiration in that. While not everybody may be ready for, or want to go to the level of depth authentic connection to which an exercise in eye gazing might take us, and we need to be willing to respect that, at the same time, knowing how beautiful, how meaningful and how graceful relating with greater authenticity and soulful presence can be, I can’t help but be an advocate for the fact that I think the vast benefits that come to us from practicing it, far exceed the discomfort of the work and growth it can take to be able to open and stay open to this level of connection. While the situation or circumstance that we’re applying it in may dictate what is and isn’t viewed as appropriate behaviour in that setting, to be seen, to be held, to love and be loved while moved by this degree of higher level love, is truly a beautiful, precious and remarkable thing. And so many of the worlds little and big problems could be so quickly and easily resolved if we were to look at each other and act from that level of love, more of the time. Until next time… Nat xxoo |
WriterIn a world in which we've got too busy for meaningful human connection, Nat talks about the ways we can bring it back. Archives
September 2024
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