I think this is an important question to consider, for all of us who run, attend or participate in any form of performing arts events. But first I think it’s really important to take a pause and come back to WHY we do any of this. (Or at least why I and some of my Teachers did, or do.) 


Beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of my greatest joys and privileges in this lifetime, as well as one of the greatest sources of growth and purpose throughout my entire life has been to be able to be a part, any part, of Arts events and spaces. Whether Drama, Dance, Media Arts, Music or Visual Arts classes and education, the creation and writing of the art, music, television and film, or the provision of support with the production and running of such events and creations. I’ve grown to have such a deep appreciation and reverence of the growth, healing and transformation that can occur within such spaces and hence the power and value of them.


As someone who grew up an A+ overachiever and a trained Leadership Coach and Mentor of years past, I also have an appreciation too of the connection, empowerment and the growth that can come from competitive events, when we hold them, (a bit like the Amazons in the movie Wonder Woman) with that Sisterly, Brotherly, collaborative spirit of challenging and encouraging each other to be our best. Where, if our competitor trips on the stairs, we help them up and both keep going. Where we practice vicariously taking delight and deriving joy from celebrating the wins of others WITH them. And choose to examine our moments of falling short as growth opportunities. I’ve come to see such events too, as a place also, not just where we may run into the “threat” of our “competitors,” in the Zero-Sum war games, of competing for the ultimate placement and acquisition of status. Not to mention a training ground for how to navigate life. But where we may actually also, meet our future soul mate BFF’s, life partners, business partners, employers, or future teachers. And a community to which people can feel like they really belong.



Part of my appreciation of that kind of space, is also the direct result of having had some truly incredible Mentors over the course of my lifetime, who role modelled that kind of behaviour and held that kind of intent and energy, in the spaces that they created for us. From high school, through my private practice journey, through to my time working with NIDA Corporate, to my Events Management, Theatre or Television work now, I’ve been very fortunate that life has connected me over time, with some amazing people, who mirrored back to me the way that I want to catalyse positive growth, hold space and lead, as much as create art, live events, film and television that both entertains, tells stories and communicates important messages, in a way that genuinely makes a difference in the world. Some of whom, also held some very loving and supportive spaces, that catalysed and allowed me to achieve a remarkable amount of healing during some of my darkest moments in life, that I also have such a profound appreciation now, of the value too of the Arts as Therapy. This too has become a huge part of my WHY.



(Feel free to skip the backstory to come if you already know me well). While my Mum was a Ballerina up until (like many) an injury young, I didn’t discover the power and the magic of dance (or visual art) until a bit later in my Performing Arts journey. But in my life journey, it’s not an over-exaggeration to say that the Performing Arts spaces I had access to in my teens, literally felt like my salvation, and gave me hope and purpose, through some very dark times.  After my Mums battle with Leukaemia, to which we lost her when I was 9 and my Brother was 6, we continued living with my hard-working Single Dad in a beautiful patch of remote country Victoria very close to the 90 mile Beach, a bit less than 10 mins drive from the nearest general store, 25km out of town, an hour from any regional centre and 3 hours from Melbourne. It was a beautiful place, and we were lucky to have great neighbourly support, while much of family lived 3+ hours away. 



It also seemed that academically, and in the Performing Arts, I was destined to be a high achiever. And if not that, at multi-tasking in the way that many actual Mums, as well as "surrogate" or "fill in Mums" often do at home. People asked, but no-one really had to ask me to step into taking on running things at home when Dad was working full time an hour away. Besides, I felt like I was capable enough that I could do some things myself and give the Neighbours a break from babysitting. To me, I just did what you do in such circumstances and did my best to fill the literally bigger than my actual shoe size set of shoes my Mum left to fill, while also trying to just be a kid at others. But I struggled HARD psychologically with feeling very alone during that time. 



Years 7-9 and 12 were the darkest. My bro and my Dad had something that I just never quite felt like I belonged to with equal depth or relatability, and sometimes we just spoke different languages and ended up at odds, for reasons I couldn't quite understand. I missed my Mum’s words of affirmation and physical affection like you would not believe. Plus, after changing schools mid primary school, after I was on the receiving end of a pretty nasty group physical and sexual assault with my then friend group (one that got the boy who lead it AND I both moved to separate schools. Only for us to be put back together, and him to ask me out, in year 7.)



After that and with Mum’s ongoing illness and then passing, I struggled with coming closer to other kids again in friendships and social groups. Mainly because I knew what I was dealing with was A LOT, and no one really knew what to do with it. SO for a while, I just politely declined a lot of requests to connect, so that I could release others from the burden of having to try, and me feeling guilty for being such a burden. And, given how much my Dad was already giving and dealing with, I made a choice too, to NOT burden him with a lot of the things I was dealing with too, unless I absolutely had to, because I figured he was already dealing with so much.



And if it wasn’t that, between grade 5 and year 7-8, it was the bullying and push-back against some of the ‘too-old-for-my-age’ perspectives I had to offer back in response to teenage bitchy, judgy behaviour. And if I swung back the other way into being abusive, or inconsiderate at any point, what friend groups I did have, were quick to threaten eviction during that time, “because I knew better than to lower myself to behaving like that.” 



So I was fast learning lessons about what you can and can’t do and say, as well as learning hard life lessons about assertiveness and hitting bullies back (at school, at home and amidst a culture with an ever-present threat of predation upon teenage girls, from parties known and unknowns alike after hours…that I often felt like there was NO place anymore without Mum (or staying with Grandparents, the neighbours or family 3+ hours elsewhere) that I felt truly safe in life. I had a lot of panic attacks about such things over time. Plus I felt like I belonged nowhere.  


My other favourite outlets though (in addition to outdoorsy activities, time with the dog, our cat and my horse), were piano and singing. While I often smashed it on my Piano assessments up until about level 7, how my anxiety impacted my performance at Eisteddfods I think lead me to think I wasn’t really good enough at Piano to justify continuing studying music in high school, or competing. Plus I didn’t really connect with the Music or other Visual Arts Teachers at that time either, that I got pushed to try. And beyond the odd workshop in primary school, we didn’t really even have Dance Teachers on my side of the shire, as far as I was aware. So while I’ve since come to work out I’m not totally crap at those things after all, I came back to and discovered how much I got out of them of my own accord later in life. 


But back then, I REALLY found a place to step beyond my comfort zone (and a space I loved) in Year 7 Drama classes. So the gap we had with no Drama Teacher, between the end of that year, and about the second term of my year 9, just happened to coincide with one REALLY dark time in my history. One in which I was both running off the rails academically (eg A’s became B’s and C’s), getting suspended for disobeying direct orders (while protesting being asked to take responsibility for things that other kids broke), and dare I say it, at times, I was seriously contemplating both suicide and leaving home (and taking my little Bro with me if he wanted to come) in equal measure. 


Until mid year 9, a Married Couple of 30 year olds, one an Art Teacher/Dancer and the other, an Actor/Drama Teacher with equal interests also to my own in both Media Arts AND Psychology, transferred to our high school. The two of them were/are remarkable standouts both in how great they are at what they both do, and were remarkable at how they related with kids of all ages, so that many people adored them. But for some reason that to this day, I will never understand, of all people, they decided to make me and my little Brother their business. And through both the Drama classes that he held and the yearly musical school production spaces that they co-created, I truly found myself in so many ways. In the depth of Method and Stanislavskian methodologies, I found depth of self connection. In singing, and the storylines explored, I found expression, understanding and release of so much inner angst. And I found freedom and safety to just be me, and yet constant challenge to be my absolute best, in that academic space. And also, so much of their approach was more like Drama Therapy. My Dad sometimes had a lot of concerns about the role choices my Teachers and I made, as “always casting me as the Victim” (which felt rather paradoxical to me, coming from someone who was still hitting me, until I started hitting back, at around age 14.)  Plus, there were running jokes in classes constantly about how I SHOULD pursue a career in acting because I’m such a Drama Queen” any time anything went wrong. Yet, finally, I had an outlet for processing and understanding all my young “life experience” and feeling through such characters and storylines that dealt with comparable life experiences. As much as Drama became a means of escapism, through playing with fantasy scenarios and characters who’s lives were nothing like my own, when we wrote, or picked our own pieces. 



More than that, for a kid who had to grow up really fast and had a lot to say that most kids couldn’t relate to, I also felt like I had in them, 2 Teachers to whom I could share, and somehow it was never too much.  At times, I thought they might as well have been channeling my Mum. But beyond her, they role modelled so much to which I would grow up aspiring to be in adult life, in work life and relationship to others in multiple capacities. I must have asked them 10 000 times minimum “why me of all people” and attempted to let them off the hook too from the obligation of having to do so. But no matter how many times I asked “why me?” (And got A LOT of patient reassurance and encouragement in response at times) especially as I kept getting A’s, Lead Roles and being asked to Assistant Direct Rehearsals at times, I also got to start finding myself in both Leadership and Mentoring of younger students too. Which then BECAME my “why me” as a statement, more than a question!



And just like my Teachers were doing for me, I found myself also becoming a “safe” space, for which the younger kids who were struggling with both school and home life, AND performance anxiety in equal measure, could reach out, to be heard, for encouragement, advice and support. So when I won the Performing Arts Award in year 12, (and asked “why me?” one final time,) I was told it was not just for outstanding achievement academically in the Performing Arts. It also says so on the piece of paper, that it was “for my contribution to the local Performing Arts Community”…and according to them, for the example that I too had, apparently, role modelled within it. Which they said, often looked, compared to others behaviour at times, like humble, grateful wins, no holding them over others, or tantremming in defeats, no bitchiness and backstabbing, but always being willing to help, go the extra mile, include others and us work together to be and achieve our best outcomes.


Based on all of this resonance of passion and purpose, I auditioned for 2 of the 3 Top Victorian Performing Arts Schools undergraduate courses. (The 3rd I got told by a Lecturer at Open Day, before I’d even opened my Mouth to speak, to “come back when I was a few years older and had had a bit more “life experience”, so what can I say, I’ve never bothered going BACK to that one.) But I did get into the one I really wanted to (If "life" further blew up in the middle, and then I find myself re-routed for a while to a healing path, followed by the healing of others path.)


Surviving the Dance part of the Deakin Rusden audition though, with almost negligible Dance training, might have been one of my greatest lessons in resilience in auditioning. And yet I still managed to make it in, despite A LOT of other people auditioning to get into Contemporary Arts at Deakin, with a Drama major and Media Arts sub-major. And took that, over my 2nd place offer of a Bachelor of Psychology, also at Deakin. (And doing Psych as a minor during the former…which it turns out, I absolutely hated compared to high school Psychology.) I would later, in my mid 20’s - 30’s learn what both Counselling, Coaching, Drama and Dance Therapy, Facilitation, Mentoring and Training were. (Before later coming back towards the worlds of theatre, live events, film and tv, and considering how I could combine and or run both at the same time.) Throughout that time, I also discovered what 5 Rhythms Dance and Ecstatic Freestyle Dance Classes were. (As separate to the competitive Dance world and highly choreographed Elite Dance School classes.) And within all, found another way to continue to participate in, and create the kind of space for others, that I felt like I was so fortunate to benefit from in high school.  


But I also cannot even begin to express how useful I found my Transpersonal Art Therapy studies, Dance Therapy and 5 Rhythms Classes too, as sometimes being either complimentary to, or a better means at times than Talking Therapy (which sometimes got me locked in my head) of really getting back into my body again, beyond the shutting down that came with multiple sexual assaults in not just my younger life, but also into my young adult life and 20's, out of home and living in one instance with the domestic violence in one intimate relationship. Through the combination of movement and the right music, I soon found how I could surrender into my body, open my heart and let flow out all the trapped grief and rage, through floods of tears and movement alike. And therein, on the other side of clearing lots of that out, found access to healing, to the full use and functionality of my body, sensuality and sexuality again, to renewed perspective, and reconnected to a whole lot of joy and purpose again. As much as found new access to my own creative potential and vitality in the process.



So It’s no understatement either, to say that I also found myself in Dance and Art Therapies, as much as I once did in Drama, Singing and Piano. As well as in helping, encouraging, Coaching, Mentoring and Teaching others. Hence too why I understand the immense healing power of the Arts, as a tool to help many of us navigate through and beyond Mental health concerns and past traumas of a lot of different kinds.


And then there's how the Performing Arts helped with my Leadership and Speaking efforts. If, after a decade of private practice Counselling, Coaching, Group Facilitation, Public Speaking, Networking and Promotion in the Health, Education, Entrepreneurial, NFP and Corporate spaces as well, many people were rating my top skill as Public Speaking, then I know I also owe (ahead of any time later spent in my 20’s-30’s with my past Communication Skills, Leadership, Public Speaking, Speech and Vocal Coaches and Mentors further refining them) to the time spent in the Performing Arts, learning, rehearsing and performing.


I also cannot count the number of comments I’ve written on other Artists and Actors, Directors, Producers, and Writers IG’s that they’ll likely never see, about how various storylines or offerings they created or worked on, have positively impacted me too. ALL of which, are just some of the main reasons why I have such a deep appreciation, reverence and respect for the power of the Arts and Creative Spaces, as having so much value in human culture. And being crucial to our healthy development. And why I’ve come to understand how vital high quality Leadership and Role Modelling is to the ongoing success of such spaces, and the quality of the outcomes that can be achieved within them. Whether the goals bring to them, are personal, professional, academic or competitive.


I don’t therefore take the responsibility of things like how we show up to create and support them, how we behave at and participate in them, or the example that we set AT them, lightly.  Hence, in my world, when I asked myself the question we started with, of “what kind of role model do I want to be at such events?” I remembered all of the above. And thus aspire to show up in a way that creates a safe space for and nurtures all of the above. For the benefit of all parties who want to participate in them; whatever their age, and for whatever purpose they want to be a part of them. In my ideal event world:

• we hold such spaces in our hearts as a gift and a privilege to be a part of
• we hold the privilege of being invited and allowed to witness such spaces with the respect that it deserves
• we respect others time and show up on time (if not ahead of time)
• we take responsibility for what attitude and energy we bring TO the space, and how we behave within it, AND
• we aspire to bring the best of ourselves on the day
• we hold a space of encouragement and unconditional positive regard for ALL of the people on stage, behind and in front of it
• we make the time to truly see and appreciate the human beings around us
• we make the time to consider what will help make this a psychologically safe space for them, as well as ourselves?
• we value collaboration and teamwork within the space
• we encourage taking delight in and celebrating others wins, and in our moments of falling short of our own or others expectations,
• we take stock of what the experience had to teach us, that will help us show up better and more powerfully next time, and
• we are compassionate, kind and supportive of others in their ’down’ moments
• we make sure where make time to have fun and enjoy the gift that is this art form, in balance to all our hard work and the challenges that come at times along with it
• we celebrate and encourage diversity, equality, and inclusivity 
• we take the time to appreciate all of the hard work, time and energy that is put in by all parties to create these events and spaces
• we treat everyone there with kindness and respect, which means
• we care about, role model and teach wellness and self care strategies and tools for managing our mindset/regulating our state and dealing with the stress and high emotions associated with performance and elite performance culture in healthy ways (so that we don’t fall into the trap of using others as emotional punching bags for our stress and distress as a default coping strategy) AND
• we communicate our needs and concerns with kindness, respect and trust in that the other parties involved genuinely care and are equally invested in the best possible outcome for us as we are (rather than attacking and complaining about who is to blame that we haven’t yet been accommodated, or something went wrong)
• we are therefore, solution and outcome focused
• when we see behaviour from anyone that is out of sync with these values, we address it, and suggest and role model alternative behaviours with patience and compassion, but also with the clarity and conviction of reminding each other to bring our best to the table (over the path of least resistance, of just playing out and playing in the worst of us.) 

Sometimes, under stress, I too fall short of all of those. But in my world, we do always have the power to choose and recommit to BEING and DOING much better as humans: 

• than taking out our overwhelm on other guests, staff or loved ones.
• we can do and be much better at times than using “Parental Instinct” as an excuse to be truly horrible and abusive towards other participants, or to the very people who created a space to try and help and support us and our loved ones. And those who are trying to provide a SAFE space in which we are free to create, produce and exhibit our Art.
• I think we can do and be much better than a zero sum game, toxic win at all costs culture, that is out of sync with so many of the younger generations beliefs and aspirations for our future world and how it should be held and lead. Not to mention
• I think we can ALL role model so much better as people, than tolerating a culture of bitchiness as “just how this industry is” and (even worse) something to be aspired to???

Personally, I think such behaviour being allowed (and even worse, proactively encouraged by certain Teachers) at these Events is decades behind our now collective and generational Feminist ideals of Sisterhood, Brotherhood and the desires for collective unity, equality and inclusivity.  Two years back into this, and I’m already exhausted from witnessing and being on the receiving end of it, at times 6 days a week, 5-12 hours a day. (And that’s nothing compared to the 14 hour days and 70-80 hour weeks my Back of House friends put in.)


I also think that there is something really wrong too, with our likeability and success at our Leadership and Support roles within this world, being measured by how much abusive shit we’re willing to absorb and tolerate from others within this world, before we fall down and cry, or walk off set and refuse to tolerate one more abusive instruction. Only to have our legitimate boundary setting for good reason, as frequently written of as “defensive,” “aggressive” or “angry” when we have the “audacity” to ask people to show up and be better. I’m sorry, but that’s the very textbook definition of toxicity and abuse. As humans, we're all at risk of losing it at times under stress. So how about we practice being better at managing and dealing with our distress, and not behaving in “abusive” ways towards others in the first place?

​
Hence I ask the question of you, how do you feel when you witness such behaviours in this industry? Are you REALLY ok with this kind of behaviour in this industry? And if not, what kind of role models do YOU think we should have, and do you want to be within the Performing Arts world? Especially for the young people coming up within it? What legacy do you want to create and leave within it? What behaviour, ethics, standards and values do you want you and yours to be known for within it?


Because, for better or worse, HOW we show up on the day, is what people WILL come to REMEMBER us for. So I suggest we ALL make sure how we show up, is something we’ll be PROUD to be remembered for in the decades to come.  (If not just for ourselves and our loved ones and colleagues, but for the kids to come, who may also need the safety of these spaces, as much as I once did.)


Until next time….

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this collective wound we seem to have around not feeling seen, not feeling heard and not feeling valued in every day life for what one brings to the table, that's really underlying a lot of our most common arguments. 

Have you ever seen a time where people in public are so willing to pick a fight with a total stranger over things that they didn’t get, or that they think are wrong? A thousand conversations happen an hour, online and offline, where somebody blames someone else for something that person didn’t do, or for not giving them something that they, dare I say it, never actually asked for, in a kind, respectful manner in the first place. But have realised after the fact, after experiencing NOT being seen, heard and met, that they actually needed it…and are now upset that they didn’t get it. So often we play this out as blaming the other party for the problem. As issuing a formal complaint about what we didn’t get. But that’s only a part of what’s really going on.

It’s easy to blame the other person for our discomfort, and for the fact that we might feel not sufficiently seen, heard, understood and acknowledged by the other party, BUT part of the bigger problem is that:

-we actually didn’t sufficiently see ourselves and our own needs, and because of our disconnection from our inner reality,
-we failed to identity and speak up about what we needed to in a healthy way, in a timely moment prior, in which it could actually have made a difference in helping the other party better understand and account for what we needed. How are they supposed to magically just know what we need, if we never educated them on what that is? And if we never asked for it? And
-we might not be seeing, believing in or trusting in the part of the person in front of us that both cares about and might be willing to say yes, to help, or to take action to help us meet that need.

This often then leads any given conversation down a conflictual tangent, instead of in the optimal direction it could’ve gone down. One where:

-we’re expecting by default (often based on past experience) the worst outcome, and NOT to be met. Where we expect that we have to fight for us to GET met. Instead of trusting and believing in the best intentions of others and therefore anticipating the best possible outcome from our interaction with them.
The trouble is, when we expect the worst of the other, we tend to show up communicating in a whole different manner with them. With closed energy and defensiveness. And the words we select and how we deliver them can be entirely different, to if we thought they were someone who is on our side. In the way of being more accusing, colder and negatively biased. Or that is, worst case, outright verbally and psychologically abusive.


Metaphorically, it can be like we project onto a screen an inch in front of them, an avatar of the worst version of them that we fear….and then start a fight with that avatar. Instead of actually communicating with the real version of them, that is standing an inch behind the projection screen, looking confused as hell as to who we’re even talking to, as it’s clearly not them, with their current intent. If the other party WAS actually interested in the best outcome and actually wanted the best for us, then some part of THEM might now ALSO feel equally as not seen, heard or acknowledged. And treated with disrespect by the negative energy/focus and projections with which the other party is coming at them. 

At best, they call us back to seeing and speaking to the real and best of them in the moment. But isn’t it interesting, how that just came full circle? In a form of self fulfilling prophecy, how we showed up, just actually brought about the exact worst outcome that we didn’t want in the first place? And it actually ensured an outcome in which we didn’t get met? But now it’s even worse, because we’ve also projected OUR not being seen onto the other party….and now they TOO, might feel exactly the same way? And you’re now at war, when you could’ve been allies?


The WORST of our insides and our wounding is now on display. Hopefully at least one party is self aware enough to see what’s going on and hold to still showing up in the best possible way, while working towards the best possible, mutually beneficial outcome. To try and call the other back into the energy of love. But the one thing that is a certainty within this dynamic when it plays out, is that we’re not truly seeing, hearing, acknowledging and valuing the other, for all of themselves. For both the optimal parts. Nor are we regarding with compassion, sensitivity, understanding and healing intent, their wounded parts alike.


With a total stranger, we might be less internally perturbed by that, and more able to quickly brush it off. If disappointed and self reflective on how this could’ve turned out better. But when it happens with the people we’re most invested in, it can really hurt not to be seen for the best of ourselves, for the best and purest of our intent, and for the sincerity of our best efforts made from the right place, for the right reasons. From that inner place of giving, of loving purpose and genuine desire to be of service because we could. Of genuinely gaining fulfilment and feeling sincere happiness through and for another, when we see them grow, hit their mark and their targets, when they win. Or when they light up with encouragement, confidence, faith and their own highest potential.  BUT to only be seen for the worst of ourselves, for that one negative that someone’s traumatised, negativity biased, fight flight activated nervous system, and self defensive mechanisms locked onto and honed in on with military grade precision for self protective purposes, to the exclusion of all other realities and possibilities, can also be devastatingly heartbreaking. Not to mention cause significant rips in the fabric of our relationships.


I say all of this having spent a lot of time this week, self reflecting on some of the ways in the past in which I personally have felt heartbroken in both not being seen, or being seen and totally rejected at times.  I found myself feeling through some of the deeper layers of ways I’d shut down in personal and work settings in recent years, after some very significant relational endings had gone that way. And sat with first hand, that feeling of gut-wrenching devastation, when you suddenly realised through someone's heated or honest words, that decades of your most sincere and well intentioned efforts, energy and intent, were never actually seen, acknowledged or appreciated. And or in others, the very things that make you the best of you,  weren’t actually the qualities they  wanted or valued you for in the way you thought or hoped they would.  As much as those best bits of you weren’t deemed of sufficient value to warrant the acceptance of the worst bits of you as being tolerable and "work-aroundable." As much as they were written off as too hard and too much. 


As I felt into some of that more personal pain and rejection, I realised too how much I’d automatically at some point in trying to survive all those major changes in my core foundations, started doing that one very thing I always tell clients NOT to EVER do, in starting to accept the past as a reliable predictor of what you can expect in the future...and started accepting business and relational failures as a permanent reality and professional, familial and and relational dreams as realities that maybe AREN'T actually meant to be this time around. 

For example, (& I don't care if this sounds wanky to anyone who hasn't been a Coach or Therapist or worked in high performance cultures, I'm not writing this one for virtue signalling or external validation) but as I also was watching Billions recently, once again, I found my entertainment becoming Therapy... In that I was watching Wendy Rhodes, the elite Performance Coach of High Level Performances Coaches, as even just a character, talking about the inner motivations behind why she loves and feels born to do what she does. And then remembered all the times I too had lit up like a Christmas tree every time I got to Mentor in my senior years at highschool, a younger kid who was really struggling at home and had all kinds of anxieties about going on stage in our high school musicals. Or the years I spent Performance Coaching High Achieving, Make a Difference-Driven Influencers on business goals and financial targets, and Coaching clients on life purpose and service in my private practice, and others organisations.

I found myself suddenly mortified that I’d manage to internalise this idea that the most innate and some of the best parts of me, that have had the biggest benefit to others, including the part that can hone onto another’s beauty, potential and gifts in the darkness, with the efficiency of a truffle pig finding truffles amongst the noise on the forest floor, let alone the part of me that, personally or professionally, just loves and gives stupidly much without giving a shit about what I'm getting back because it just feels right in the moment, are character flaws and  trauma responses. Let alone always inevitably too much, unwanted, or needed, because a few someones past, who'd I'd loved and invested a whole lot in, and them too in me, it turns out, weren't ever going to be invested fully on the same path, or in the same way. But when I surrendered to not seeing and not recognising the value of those parts of myself, I’m actually as equally snuffing out my light and life purpose, as I'd become the walking dead when I'd stopped making art.

My point though, is- that’s a lot of power and energy to have caught up in fear of the impact of both being seen and not seen and valued? And I know I'm not alone in experiencing some iteration, or permeation of that same theme?  Many of us are dealing with some microcosmic versions of this daily. Why is why I even bring it up.


No matter which side of the relational equation trauma originates on, trauma doesn’t often see potential. Trauma, and a traumatised nervous system, usually only sees danger. And the need to fear and protect against it. Even if we DO come to recognise our own value, to see the best in ourselves and continue to dream of and hope for the best in others, the fear in others ability to see or not see it too, can still bring us undone. And thus the danger of not expecting to be seen, valued or met by others, can then see us start living half a life, half relationships, and half daily interactions, based on the fear of the worst that we’ve come to expect to be our new normal….and then we can start accepting, maybe half of what we really deserve and want. Because the voice of trauma might have us believe that others only see and fear OUR worst, but fail to see, or value our best. Trauma might also have us believe that they also can’t handle our best, without our best triggering in them, the activation and purging of their worst. And then our projecting of that wounding out into the world, onto others, can often result in us showing up and relating in that very way that actually creates the outcomes we don’t want, that can result in BOTH parties not feeling seen, heard, acknowledged, appreciated or valued for what they’re really saying, doing, being and bringing to the table.


If it’s not that, then sometimes its just that we’re too busy, pushed to the limit and exhausted in this day and age to make the time and to invest the energy in truly seeing, hearing and appreciating the people who pop up in front of us in our every day lives. To go deeper than dealing with people at surface/face value, and truly take stock of what value and purpose their presence brings to our worlds, and has to contribute to our learning experience and growth. Because even the wounded and “weirdest” of our bits, have something to teach us.  Look long enough, and you can find the gift, the beauty, the lessons in literally anyone and anything, anywhere. 


More than that, it can be powerfully healing, as well as crucial to healthy relationships of all kinds, personal and professional too, that we ALL practice really seeing, hearing, and appreciating all of the people around us, for ALL of what makes them them. Because on some level, most of us want to feel like our presence, our gifts and abilities, our efforts and our perspective matter and makes a difference to others. We want to know that our feelings, our needs and boundaries matter and are worthy of consideration by the people we care about, and by strangers in our vicinity alike. No matter how much self love and healing work we might do on ourselves, on recognising our own worth and value, there is still always that part of us too, that wants to know that there are things about us that are likeable. And that the things we have to share about ourselves as much as our insights, might be interesting, intriguing and useful to others. We find things like healing, comfort, confidence, empowerment and purpose in being heard, acknowledged, understood and encouraged.  And in hearing that we’re loveable even WITH our flaws and our wounds. Let's not forget that the expression and evidence of any and all of these expressed outwardly, whether verbally, or non verbally, through body language and energy, are taken by us as signs of sincere love and respect. 


Not to mention the our abilities to listen and ask questions to truly understand the other, combined with the ability to truly see and appreciate what beauty and complexity others bring to the table, are foundational to building trust and psychological safety. And therefore, to establishing connection and rapport, in personal and professional settings of all kinds. And this is more important than ever in a culture right now where, while we’re healing our voices, and learning to be more authentic, we’ve swung from NOT speaking up; to the other extreme of getting so preoccupied with having a voice that we’re actually now forgetting that we also need to listen twice as much as we speak.


AND where we’re getting so busy keeping score of what we’re getting on our upward success trajectories, that we’re also sometimes forgetting that (in a healthy two-way relationship) it was always the case that we STILL need to maintain connection to that place of unconditional giving and being of service to the other party, as well as connection to the desire to see the other happy and thriving, in order to help any given relationship of any kind truly reach it’s highest potential and optimal, mutually beneficial outcomes.


While yes, its important that we feel out for when our giving efforts are and aren’t welcome with any given other, and it’s necessary to be sensitive to their needs in balance to our own, the ability to truly see, to hear and to appreciate the current beauty, the gifts, the future potential, and the value of the challenges that any given person presents, are absolutely crucial to the quality of our relationships. And you never know, in a world that can be so technologically connected, yet now so very human face to face DISconnected, you just never know when you taking the time to share with someone some positive quality or insight that you have about them, might, at minimum, put a smile on their face. At moderate, might make their day. And at best, might help them heal, find wholeness and open back up again to trusting in the good that still exists in others and the world.  You just never know when your encouragement, belief in them and ability to see their value might become part of the motivation for them to show up as all that they can be…and truly believe in the value that they are and have to bring to the world.


Until next time…