Inevitably, predictably even, after I write a blog like the last one, I find myself circling back into this loop of self doubt and preemptive fear of the backlash back. Mainly from feminism. I just spent almost 15 years doing work, running work, holding space to help Women find and heal their voices and heal trauma. But so often, the second that I write something being empathetic to male wounding, some female empowerment coach somewhere, will get all up in my Dm’s, seeing NONE of that, but explaining feminism to me and shaming me for being a people pleasing, fawning, Mothering, toxic masculinity enabler. So to be honest with you, each time I write on the subject of rage now, there’s a part of me that then doubles back down on checking if there IS still some aspect of people pleasing, fawning behaviour, or Mother smothering to “manage” the raging little boy in him that I’m running. But also double checking how water tight my methodology is on “did I sufficiently explain standing in your power in a heart centre way, and how you embody both, while strongly holding to a boundary and asking him to rise to both yours and HIS requirements of how you wanted to be treated, and the best version of him that he wants to be.  BEFORE, I got to this next bit about how we be with all this female rage in the world.


With Taylor Swift putting female rage into the collective consciousness in a BIG way recently with the release of The Tortured Poets Department, hot on the heels of me having just watched Beth and Summer beating the sh#$ out of each other in Yellow Stone, I felt like there needs to be a part 2 of the last blog, but on the flip side. As again, both Actor Artist Singer me considers the playing and writing and portrayal of female rage in a couple of pieces. AND Practitioner Healer me also kind of sat with the question of how do we do something productive WITH rage full stop, let alone with the experience OF female rage? Other than just burning down the world with it? Because once you open it up for a billion people at time, how DO you turn that into a teachable moment as well, from which people can grow and change? 


Rage is a funny emotion, in that it can be really easy to sit in it, and  burn in it once you get it flowing. But just like a fire, if you don’t learn to harness it, and don’t learn to understand what fuels it and how to “fire bend” it into doing something healing, creative or transformative with it (as do Blacksmiths, or Glass blowers, or Alchemists, believe you me from my worst wounded moments, it has a way of both burning you alive from the inside out. As well as burning down everyone and everything around you. Just putting out every fire the second one starts because we’re afraid that every single one will turn into a bushfire, isn’t the answer though. Learning how to harness it, to heal, create and transform with it though, I think is sorely needed.


Learning to just be with and IN all of our human emotions, and or to be able to be present with others, without having to MAKE them BE anything…just to witness and be present, is an inevitably needed part of both:


A) re-occupying ourselves after the experience of trauma, by building patience, tolerance and resilience in being able to stay with the experiences that we would otherwise run from. As well as: 


B) is also important to our ability (personally, romantically, professionally, therapeutically and creatively in my case) to be able to BE in the room and stay present with others when they are going through the worst of their emotional moments, without having to run away to avoid the parts of us that want to run from being with them. Or that are triggered in some way BY them. (Often in the direction of fear and mistrust in their ability to be able to control and self manage their strong feelings…and if they can’t, are we actually safe around them, or are we going to be badly burnt again, like we were with X person in the past?


This commonly then results in many telling the angry one that they’re being abusive and to shut it down NOW, to get control of themselves and stop being abusive.  I'm not dismissing the need (as we talk about last week, to act when there is genuine UNsafety,) BUT that desire to immediately shut ALL fire/them down, can also at times actually be telling us A LOT about what WE need to actually look at in ourselves too, around what it means for US, when someone else is angry? What does that make US feel? And what percentage of that is actually about THEM needing to modify THEIR behaviour, to help us feel safer when we feel unsafe because of them? And what percentage is US needing to work on our ability, to be present with the mere presence of anger in any given healthy other? An other who IS capable of self regulation and management, but is presently activated in either a state of healing something past, or a trigger in the present?  


Because in a healthy mature adult relationship, both parties ideally would be equally capable of controlling and managing their process around strong emotions like anger. So that, when it comes to witnessing the other being deliberately present with their anger (whether through the safe, well held therapeutic process of exploring a past hurt, the present experience of, for example, witnessing them on a phone call in a moment where they’ve just been treated in a way that made them feel strong emotions like anger in the present, OR whether it was to be, in my case lately, playing a character who’s having a heated argument, fuelled by deep trauma, with another) we have the capacity to STAY in with, instead of run away from the experience, while any given party present heals, transforms or creates something from it? 


Learning how to be with our rage, and feminine rage, is JUST as much an important thing as what I was talking about last week for our collective healing. It’s an important thing for women to get back in ourselves and learn to listen to what our rage is trying to tell us in the first place about what we really need. As well as to listen to what it’s trying to tell us about coping and things like our boundaries and limits. But it’s also worth remembering too, that sometimes anger and rage too, can also be the surface emotion, floating on the top of an ocean, masking an iceberg of deeper feelings about some big past hurts and maybe traumas. 


In the ladder of fight flight response, remember, anger and “fight” is at the top. And when it comes to wounds and coping mechanisms, anger is often the coping mechanism we use, that keeps us in the top layer of fight and fight back, for survival. It stops us from dropping into the depths of feelings like grief, disappointment, feeling deeply hurt and let down, which serve no immediate purpose when you’re fighting the tiger. But are what is waiting for us later, once we have the time and safety to sit up (or under) a safe tree, or with the tribe, and process what just happened. 


For example, a decade ago, I was in trauma healing workshops, punching pillows while I felt that rage. But why I acknowledge and attempt to transform, but don’t tend to stay feeling or writing about rage now, is because I know the real work for me is now deeper. In my own healing, sure there is people that things didn’t work out with that I feel angry AT them for times I didn’t feel I was treated how I wanted to be. There is anger I have about times when certain Men didn’t do things that made me feel safe. Or used me as a punching bag for their reactivity about something or someone else. Or weren’t there to have my back. Or was angry at times they literally nearly broke it. Or angry because they behaved in ways that were really deceptive or self serving, that some part of me, as result, feels robbed of having had the information I needed to make better decisions for myself earlier, that I felt robbed of years of my life too in places (thanks Taylor!) Before I inevitably come back to a place of self responsibility of going “AND you’re a grown adult, you did the best with what you knew, but you made the calls, you put yourself there. So YOU are responsible for what you created AND for what is within your power to change in future.” (That’s your transmuting your power back, NOT only into looping into blaming yourself as though it’s all your fault. BUT also, on the other side of self judgment, being brave enough to step up on what IS within our power NOW to do different and change NOW.)


But underneath those HARD, violent, angry leaping flames to witness or be near, is really also much deeper feelings of deep hurt and disappointment and grief. Deep sadness at feeling let down. Deep grief about being left to fend off predators on my own. Deep grief and disappointment, that this person or that one didn’t see anything in me that they thought I was worth any better. Or worth doing the work on themselves that was needed in order for us to be able to move forward in a better way. Deep grief and disappointment that they kept me at arms length, and chose not to see or feel me, or worse to judge and degrade me, so that some part of them could justify taking things they took. Deep grief and fear, of Men who, instead of dealing with their deeper issues of jealousy or loss of control or loss, chose to try and destroy me and take every FROM me that they ever gave, or that I ever had. And at other times, deep grief and disappointment, at times that some of them prioritised status and reputation over safety or the relationship, or showing up for any of the above, and that they seemingly loved that and valued that, much higher than they ever valued me. And then the host of self blaming and shaming responses about where my self esteem was ever at, that that was all I could receipt or accept, in place of what love is meant to look like for me. 


I’m sorry, because I know that is A LOT. But do you see where I’m going with this? The deeper healing work for me personally, was to listen to what those wounded parts had to say without judgement, and then to transform all that, to glean the lessons and turn it into behavioural change. But in terms of connecting in a better quality way in future, do you also see how much easier it becomes for you reading this, or any given other, to be present with, to get closer to the parts of us that REALLY need us AND their presence the most to heal? Then when you're communicating in fire signals or scribed verbal bullets?


I’ve never met a good hearted Man and talked to him about these kind of things a) without him often also being impacted empathetically, vicariously and distressed by witnessing that depth of pain In me. BUT he can also get closer to put his forehead to mine, or put his arms around me when I’m there. But it’s much harder for him to ever do it, while I’m swinging punches or slashing cuts in him with my verbal sword of self defence. At which point, he’s then got to both then armour himself and protect himself, doge and hold your swinging at a distance, until you get to the place of trust and seeing HIM, where he can actually help and hear you? And work with you on what you need?  


So what’s my point? We’ve got to own that rage and do something productive with that rage. But also remember that there’s also deeper work to be done and wisdom to be gained in the iceberg under that rage. I’m not trying to shame anyone out of going there. Going there in deliberate , intentional ways, is needed and a part of the healing. But it’s only a part of the work we have to do on the way back to connecting in more meaningful ways and ways that better serve both parties in future.  (While some of us also need to upskill in listening and being present with other people's "stuff" too.)




Rage, when it comes to female rage not just at a collective level towards aspects of patriarchy, and at the deeply personal level, as it relates to any given Women, processing her past experiences with any given Man, is an arrow on a sign pointing downwards, asking us to dig deeper. So much of the work is also in confronting THOSE deeper hurts underneath the rage too. And then working out what we need. What we need for ourselves to heal ourselves. And what we need from others going forward. And how DO we communicate that effectively, in a way that others can be clear about how to respond, and what action is required of them? Personally? And professionally? Therapeutically too, on both sides; client and Practitioner, how do we guide the process of the deeper work to a healthy place? And creatively, (granted sometimes the very point might be to make the audience  think it through for themselves too, but) how might we cleverly write in the lessons, or pair our work with support resources of some kind at times too, in order to best support the people who view and journey WITH our art or music about rage, to keep working it through to a healthy place of resolution for themselves too?  Maybe sometimes that does come in the work itself, but afterwards, in our work and subject matter we address as an Influencer too? We don’t have to, but we do have that power and opportunity at times I think, to help Women get to a place where we don’t just burn down the globe with fires of experiencing our rage and revenge. But to help Women everywhere work it through to a place where it counted for something? And we used it to change something?


Vengeance (dare I say it even justice) too can be like an highly additive illicit drug, that often promises much in it’s seductive sales pitch, but we realise in the comedown, actually delivered little in terms of healing or filling the void left within the wound.  Use our fire right and it cauterises the wound so that it stops bleeding and getting infected and the innate healing intelligence present within starts the healing. Before we then continue to use that fire to create and transform. And maybe teach.


Go there with the fire Queens, but then please go deeper. Because there’s so much gold in there when you do.

As always, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. 


Until next time...
​

Some recent thoughts I had on the current prevalence of male violence in Australia and how we heal and turn this around, and make it safer to talk about the trauma that often lies underneath. I don’t by any means claim to have all the answers, but here’s a few thoughts and in some cases, alternative, insights I’ve had over my years of both journeying and working professionally with so much of it, as it relates to what it takes to facilitate actual change at the level off the individual.. This blog comes with a sensitive content warning. But for what it’s worth. If you find something of benefit within it, please feel free to share it on.




It’s been a couple of weeks of a LOT of airing of thoughts in Australia in response to recent events and statistics regarding the significant rise in violence against Women.  To add context for any International Readers, amongst what has been globally a very high stress few years across the globe, here too, mental health statistics, findings on the current state of gender dynamics and equality, and recent news and statistics released on the increasing prevalence of violent crime, specifically female deaths as a result of violent crime, have become incredibly alarming.  With an Australian Women being killed every 4 days, and the death toll by only a quarter of the way into this year, already being at least double that of the same time the previous year.  Some other recently reported news events: In Sydney in the the last few weeks, there was a mass stabbing of predominantly Women at Westfield Shopping Centre in Bondi, that ended with the attacker being shot dead. Plus there was a stabbing of a Religious Leader by an individual who it turns out had been listening to some pretty extremist content. There has just been another extremist terrorism influenced student stabbing in Western Australia this week. A report from a school in Melbourne that a group of male students are potentially facing expulsion after having created a system ranking female students, from ‘marriable’ down to, as they put it “unrapable,” made national headlines. Plus a show just aired, interviewing female victims of crime, discussing how and where they had been able to identify that their attackers had been watching a whole lot of videos on sites like Pornhub, depicting premeditated violent acts against real life Women. And it’s hard to forget too, that one study in recent years reported by UN Women, assessing Male beliefs about Women in Australia, lead to estimates that at least a quarter, to a third of our male population, might still be harbouring beliefs that had us ranked as the second most mysoginistic culture in the world. 


Hence there has been a lot of heated debate, discussion and demand for more effective action to be taken across all sectors of society right now to both manage the current mental health crisis, demanding that every institution and individual with the ability to, do more to turn around toxic gender dynamics and belief systems Insighting serious harm to others and or to Women, and discussing how we prevent the occurrence and reoccurrence of the kinds of domestic violence, physical and sexual assault that are affecting a quarter of the Australian female population still. As well as how we make public and private life safer for Women of all ages, and very importantly, prevent female deaths. So it’s been a big few weeks of the airing of past traumas and intergenerational trauma, of airing fears for our own safety and many Men airing their own outrage and concerns for the safety of both Women known to them and the whole female population. As well as other parties also reminding us that human violence full stop is the problem and violence against Men and between Men, is also still a thing. And then counter-argument to that, that yes, this is true, but it’s not Men who are being killed in the greatest numbers right now, so in the order of priority of what crisis of many to address first, can we make reducing the female death toll top of the list?


No matter what gender we identify with, I think it’s easy to feel despairing and completely overwhelmed, when one thinks about the size of the mountain in trying to fix, and how you fix such a massive problem, all at once. Like many people, I can’t claim to have the needed expertise on many different aspects on the societal macro level to manage all of that. And yet, at the micro, individual level, through both the combination of lived experience of healing and growing beyond the experience of trauma and violence, and having over 15 years and my own “10 000 hours” of experience working with trauma healing, mindset and behavioural change systems in both community services (often with families and Men with “moderate to severe protective concerns,” helping more than you might think to succeed in getting their lives back on track) and later, and in private practices capacities, I also have A LOT of thoughts to share on exactly what is needed at an individual level to heal and transform trauma, belief systems that no longer serve, and to transform relating dynamics, into something that much better serves ALL of our highest good. That are too much to share in one blog. Which is part of how I came to have written 80 000 non fiction book words on HOW we create greater psychological safety in communicating and relating dynamics of all kinds.


No matter what kind of Coaching and Training I’ve offered over that private practice time too, Business, Communication,  Leadership, Relationship or Health related, no matter what the identified Gender of the several thousand people I’ve spoken to, or the fewer I’ve worked one on one along the way, discussion has almost always, ALWAYS, at some point, rolled back around to somebodies unresolved trauma around physical, psychological and sexual abuse. And how both the remnants of being on the receiving end of it, as well as how aspects of having internalised and played out aspects of it and our fight flight reactivity, combined with individual and collective belief systems, can still be impacting their personal or professional life today. So how do they successfully grow despite and beyond all of that?


Let’s acknowledge first that the added collective global environmental, financial, health and political pressures that humanity is under right now, has many in state of constant anxiety, burnout, depression, despair and loss of hope in humanity and the possibility of a fulfilling, sustainable future, is a huge part of the problem.  That already has many working week to week just to survive, pushed to the edge of their coping capacity. And As Maslow once pointed out, when people are stuck in survive (fight flight mode), just trying to put a roof over their head and food on the table, for themselves and loved ones, they have little energy, or headspace left for higher developmental goals. Like focusing on career development, relationship development, or focusing on their spiritual development and being of higher service to others. (IF, paradoxically, actually feeling into and getting focused on exactly those things is a part of the remedy to getting OUT of survive mode.) 


But still underlying that, part of the problem continues to be collective, in that so many people never had a decent education (or role models showing them) how to communicate and relate in healthier ways, that lead to mutually beneficial outcomes for all parties over the long term. Or an education on mental, emotional and spiritual self mastery, to help manage and make better choices about the most challenging aspects of human existence and relating. So, a lot of people just don’t understand the absolute basics of how to create and manage their own mindset and how to self regulate their own emotional reactivity and state. Let alone how to heal and resolve the kinds of intergenerational trauma and learned defence mechanisms we are ALL carrying from up to 12 generations ago (let alone, if you believe in this kind of thing, might potentially be carrying from our whole universal history as souls?) Or how to maintain a relationship and repair relational injuries that can occur while we’re dealing with life’s significant challenges. 


Rather than arguing over whether its’ Parents or Teachers responsibility to do that, I think we just need to make this most basic of skillsets necessary for ALL of us to thrive as humans, mandatory for us ALL to learn…and that alone might solve A LOT in a few generations. And I don’t disagree, especially as it relates to social media being relied upon as a reliable source by many individuals for education around how to navigate life, that a line needs to be drawn in the sand, honouring our right to free speech, and yet intervening when a line that freedom of speech is headed down, is estimated to directly result in serious harm and violence to others. Like in instances in recent weeks, where there is a clear, known link, looking at the various perpetrators browsing histories, between the actions that they’re taking and the toxic belief systems encouraging violence against other humans, or indulging  and encouraging physically or sexually violent and controlling treatment of Women, that they’ve been watching. Who polices that, remains a remarkably complex issue. Let alone, dare I say it as an Actor and Writer (as well as A Coach, Facilitator, Speaker, Trainer) how we pair up portrayal of violence in art and popular culture, with clever writing, or supplementary material, to create teaching moments, I think is incredibly important too?





There’s also a “multidimensional” aspect to violent behaviour that we need to understand, if we’re to resolve its occurrence 


Before we get onto talking about the line of thought that also came up this week on how Men need to support other Men to change and open spaces of conversation for other Men, there’s another aspect of Mental (and spiritual) health that, dare I say it, also needs to sometimes be addressed when it comes to both alleviating the intensity of mental health conditions like Schizophrenia, as well as in treating addiction, trauma and associated highly reactive, abusive and violent behaviour, and that’s the quantum energetic and or shamanic aspect of human health. (This might be a bit “TMI” for some, but I feel like I have to try.)


As someone who has studied Traditional and Neo Shamanic Practice and long been interested in our nature beyond just the physical, in my own personal and professional experience, a HUGE part of reforming violent behaviour, can also be helping people manage the non-physical/multidimensional consciousnesses that can trying to “influence” them. Let me explain a little further. I’m well down the rabbit hole of belief from my own life experience from SO much of the “intuitive” guidance I’ve received and experiences I’ve had over time being verifiable in real life, that there absolutely IS other, non physical consciousnesses around us. Past loved ones, non physical consciousnesses existing in dimensions just outside the spectrum that we can physically see or touch with the 5 physical senses, but that are there and detectable if you learn about the intuitive senses that we actually DO have built in also, to connect with them. Or (like Ghostbusters) if you had the right set of scientific instruments to. And some of them, you might also call “Alien” or “Extra terrestrial,” simply meaning that wherever they originated from, it wasn’t on the physical surface of Earth essentially. Just like humans, I believe that some of them are well meaning, and are here to be teachers. (On one level or another, they ALL end up being Teachers regardless!) Others of them have an agenda that may NOT always serve our highest good. Just like in real life business or dating, some of them might be all talk, but also deliver very little that actually improves our lives. And or can be downright manipulative and just plane old mean at others. 


Enter some of our Schizophrenic brothers and sisters who are tormented by negative voices, telling them bad things about themselves and others, and telling them to do bad things. Part of treating this successfully, I believe (and this is where we in mainstream mental health can be failing) SHOULDN’T ONLY involve meditating them to block the voices, (often with the consequence that those taking their meds are so drugged up they can hardly function anymore in every day life.) BUT would benefit also from a Shamanic style training course in how to successfully relate with the spiritual world in an empowered way, that better serves us all. And, dare I say it, how to not just use our free will to tell the nasty ones to f@#$ right off. But how to also call in other non physical support resources to help remove them, and provide ongoing protection against their return. Part of ensuring and enabling us to connect with much “higher intending/higher vibe” ones, also, once again, comes back to the management of our mindset and our own state. And the choices that we make about how we show up, and who we choose to engage with, and on what terms. 


In my own experience of having lived with at least one partner, who only had a violence problem, only when he was drunk, and heard the similar story over and over from many others, I’ve come to feel that this was actually a big part of the real problem, along with mental health and trauma. When such guys would drink, it would often be to escape the intensity of the struggles of daily living, physical injuries and mental health. But, from a shamanic perspective on drinking, what often happens when you get blind drunk to escape, is that our spirit and energy literally largely pull back out of our body. Essentially leaving our body somewhere in the world, looking like a vacant house, with the lights left on at night and the front door wide open and unguarded. A decent friend, partner, family member or neighbour, or RSA qualified bartender, is not going to go in there and steal all your stuff, they’ll probably go and shut the front door. (Eg take the drink out of your hand, and put you somewhere safe, with safe people.) But some homeless opportunist, and definitely one of them who’s still got a grudge with you from that thing you did in the year 1643, may well take that as the perfect opportunity to come in and be a squatter. Dare I say it, (sorry for the graphicness, but this is the whole point) to try and have sex with your gorgeous lady friend. Or, to just screw with you, by doing things like elbowing your girlfriend in the side of the head, or kicking her in the side at full force, in bed, the second she falls asleep. Only to suddenly check out when she screams and burst into tears, and her being in danger calls the highest part of you straight back into your body, to wake up and ask if she’s ok. BUT also leaving you to witness what “you” have seemingly  just done, and then watch you drown in self blame and shame. (Pretty much every religion or spiritual belief system in the world has a term for that, we just all call it something different, while Psychiatry calls it a personality disorder.)


For for the sake of privacy, I can’t and don’t won’t go into specific examples. So much as to say that, in some cases, I’ve come to believe that, at the individual level, a huge part of eradicating violent behaviour associated with spirits, is to not just heal the kinds of trauma and wounds that lead to someone’s reliance upon substances or alcoholic spirits. But to also kick out the spirits WITH the spirits. In AA methodology, that’s where the praying to God for help part comes in…and why I believe it actually works. It’s not a substitute for doing the work also to heal the trauma and mental health stuff, and connect one with a healthy sense of purpose, from which one can draw fulfilment.  Or, as I talked about in my last blog, to heal the growing sense of “I’m not enough and don’t have enough to be happy” that is going hand in hand with our Capitalist existence and it’s current challenges. But it’s a HUGE part of what’s missing in resolving violence against Women, that I don’t see too many people talking about yet. And I think we need to be. As well as about how to talk about violence and who needs to support people of any gender with self mastery in overcoming it.  




Yes, Men need to talk about this with each other and support each other. But not just with Men actually.


My first thought on this was agreement that yes, for many Men, self mastery as a Man, does yes, require the support, guidance and leadership of other Men. But as some of my own Past Male Therapists/Private Practice Supervisors and Mentors who’ve worked with Men on trauma healing once explained to me in the earlier phases of my Practice, they would also say that it actually also takes an aspect of working with Women who’ve healed from their own trauma and developed the capacity to hold a safe space for Men to experience the gifts of working with a Female Practitioner. But importantly too, who can also role model Healthy, empowered, loving, compassionate feminine presence and relating dynamics, that they might yet to have experienced in the course of their lives up until now. The kind that, once they’ve experienced THAT, tends to inspire one to want to be the best version of oneself, to be able to spend more time with and interact in mutually beneficial ways, with that level of Woman. Which they would say is not always an easy journey, because her presence is likely also going to bring up ALL of your stuff about feeling worthy, living on purpose… and ALL of one’s stuff about jealousy, passiveness, ownership and control. Whatever has to heal IS us, in order to be able to receive that level of female presence into ourselves and into our lives.


In practice, despite what I’d been through, and the fact that I’ve many times been worried that I was still healing myself at times, the reality of putting this to the test and working with Men in therapeutic contexts in the next few years, was that many of the Men I held talking sessions with or worked with in community services capacities, let alone trauma clearing workshops, who succeeded in making the kind of life, relationship and family changes that they set as their goals, often fed back to me over and over again, that they found this to be very true. Regretfully, In my personal life and relationships, I haven’t always got it right when both our trauma came up and hit the fan….and I had to figure it out the process for myself, both in the moment, and in hindsight.



Yet in my work and in my sessions, so many Men, known and unknown to me that I worked with in the two decades prior, often reported that there was something very right in how I supported them. Some said the they’d never experienced being heard by or having a past Partner or family member show up for them, in that way. And whatever energy and experience I had embodied for them in that time, gave them clarity in resetting their ideas around how they wanted to love, be loved and engage with the Women and children in their lives going forward. Which I don’t say lightly, or expecting any form of kudos for, while virtue signal anything to the world about how freaking great I am at whatever. But I say it because, while I know that so many of us Women are feeling so exhausted from millennia of putting up with the consequences of wounded male behaviour, at the same time, it’s not to be underestimated how valuable and needed female love and presence still also is, in the healing of so much trauma in Men. And how powerfully transformative it can be for the wounded Male psyche to finally find someone they can trust to bare their soul and their wounds to, who can also see and is encouraging and supportive of their highest potential, as well as compassionate to their wounds. It’s a really big deal. That kind of trust and encouragement given in a needed moment can and does literally change someone's life.


So, ok, yeah, Men need to step up for other Men and they need to talk more, as only Men can do as Men powerfully holding space for and Leading other Men, AND for Women. But it’s also all of us, no matter what Gender, who can help heal this kind of collective trauma, with the kind of presence we bring to discussion about this kind of trauma. When it comes to belief systems that really don’t serve either gender, that will, at times, be by having a firm, but lovingly intending void that calls him to be the best version of him, that can also clearly explain to him that how you just treated me/her is not ok, and how I/we would LOVE to be supported/treated instead, is….. (insert whatever it is.) AND at other times, where there is a significant trauma component also involved, it’s about how we show up with more loving presence and create greater safety for the exploration and healing of that trauma.


After writing a book on the 6 foundational Pilars of how we make it safer for us and others to show up in communication and engagement in personal and professional relationships of all kinds, I can’t help but want to elaborate on how my methodology is just as applicable here too, in terms of what it takes to create the psychological safety needed for Men to open up to talk about their mental health, traumas, behaviours and coping responses with anyone of any gender. 


To lay the foundations in which they, when they choose to take responsibility, heal and change, and can be optimally supported to successfully translate new awareness and skill in behavioural self mastery gained through discussion, into tangible behavioural change, and better outcomes in life.


According to that, in order for us to make it safe for them to open up about the mental health struggles and trauma, we need to get better at creating and embodying psychological safety and an emotionally regulated state ourselves. We need to get better at being lovingly honest (about what is needed and how we need them to show up.) We need to get better at listening better (with presence, compassion and unconditional positive regard), and at owning our own stuff. As well as get more skilled at being present with and supporting other people when they’re going through  their ‘stuff.’ And then there are some other things we both need to understand, and some it would help to stop doing. Such as:




We need to see and understand who we’re really talking to. Which means asking more questions to understand and build compassion


In so much of the online discussion and tv network, mainstream media and social media debate I’ve seen this week, it often becomes very clear to me that we’re looking at the problem and firmly calling out the problem, but not really truly seeing the person in front of us always with the trauma that we’re actually talking about. I can tell you from lived experience, personal and professional that the people we’re talking about are NOT all sociopathic, Narcissistic, misogynist monsters somewhere out there, who don’t care what they do, and are beyond redemption or reform. Who are only trying to re-exert control over, or punish people (or Women) who have done something that has triggered them into feeling disrespected and humiliated. That can be a shadow behaviour playing out in some instances of extremes. But so many Men needing to talk about mental health, trauma and aggressive reactivity, are people who we know really freaking well. But who are silently struggling with feeling absolutely pushed to their limits of coping with the stresses and demands of life and work right now. On top of relationship related triggers. And deeply confused in understanding what the hell is even required of them in relationships anymore, in these day and age in which traditional gender role expectations for done a 180. Let alone how DO they communicate and relate in healthy ways (that perhaps no-one ever role modelled or taught them,) to help them communicate their needs and boundaries effectively, AND successfully repair and resolve conflicts with the people around them that they care about most?


Many are beautiful, sensitive souls, who really DO want to understand how they can show up better and be the absolute best of themselves. But many of them are also victims themselves of abuse and violence. Or might be struggling with trauma and PTSD. You can’t always see it when you’re looking at the behaviour and demeanour of a yelling, angry, volatile Man acting out, or reflexively replaying the very things he grew up witnessing…and has long been terrified of also becoming. And we can’t see it when we look at a page full of statistics. But often within that Man, are the remnants of a terrified, and hurt little boy. Who had minimal support to help him understand what he was going through, who had minimal support to learn emotional regulation and healthy coping and communication tools, let alone how to heal, or cope. Who grew up thinking that how things are or were for him, are normal. Yet we don’t often talk about the adult, with nearly the degree of sensitivity, respect or compassion, or want to wrap our arms around and help him, as we would if the hurt, scared little boy version of him was standing in front of us, asking for help.  IF though, we can come to the discussion understanding that we might well actually be talking to (and about) that person, and be willing to ask questions to better understand our fellow brothers, rather than with a pre-judged presumption of guilt before innocence, or the stigma of stereotypes, then we can make it a whole lot safer for more Men to open up and share.




The judging, shaming and stigmas is exactly why a lot of Men still DON’T feel at all safe to open up about mental health, abuse or trauma.


But when we don’t, the judgement, shaming and the stigma we attach, DOESN’T make it feel safe for Men, or people full stop to engage in the needed conversation.


And I’m not sure that I’m exaggerating when I say that, in my understanding, for an otherwise well meaning, good hearted Man to reveal ones past trauma and maladaptive trauma responses, past aggressive or sexual behaviours that might have caused harm, to many Men feels like a form of personal and professional suicide. Or to be publicly outted by someone else, feels like a personal and professional death sentence.  Because of both the stigma that they fear is going to be attached to them, as well as because of everything that they fear is going to be then taken from them if they do. Potentially material and employment opportunities, yes. Potentially their reputation and status through public naming and shaming of things. As well as, at a deeper level, there is a huge fear of the withdrawal of things like love, approval, admiration, respect and a sense of belonging, or worst case, continued commitment to the relationship itself, whether personal or professional. And the fear of loss of access to children, family members and people they love.  In other words, there is a huge fear of being abandoned and punished for revealing their perceived mistakes and entirely human and normal areas of struggle. Like that “Y” that they brand into the Cowboys and Girls in Yellowstone, that kind of stigma has a way of sticking, burning, scarring up and continuing to be publicly visible and searchable now for decades, if not a lifetime to come, thanks to the wonders of modern technology. And the cost of all of that feels massively harmful, as much often, as the potential consequences of NOT doing anything about it and something harmful happening to someone he cares about as a result, horrify the part of him that wants to win at being Provider and Protector, just as much. Which leaves him then trying to work through all of this alone, with minimal support, or resources to help. Other than what he can piece together from freaking Til Tok and Youtube and copies of, say, Men’s Health. I’m not saying that this makes it ok, but when you start to comprehend how life threatening this must feel, you can start to understand why the self defensive and self protective behaviours when you name their behaviour before they’ve had a chance to to choose to. Behaviours like denial, gaslighting, and deflecting blame back onto you or something you did, or not hiring or firing you, or ending the relationship, for example, start to get enacted out of fear. I’m not saying that this makes any of them ok, I’m just trying to help us understand why, so that we’re better equipped to provide constructive help, rather than blame, shame and judge what we don’t yet understand.


So IF we’re to be able to successfully make it safe enough for any and all Men to talk about such things, one big thing that would help, is to STOP with the judgement, the guilting, shaming and labelling of Men’s entire characters as corrupt, as opposed to naming the problematic behaviour that is occurring and what to do about it. And the negative reinforcement style punishing and talking down to him like he’s the scum of the Earth. If we give the benefit of the doubt to the sentient adult desire present within many Men, to want to do and be the best version of themselves, then they actually also DON’T actually need to be judged and screamed at like our Parent, or that one Teacher in response to something naughty we did when we were 5, to get the download on that what they did was not what we wanted of them. What they DO need to clearly understand though, in objective, clearly communicated terms, is what the problematic behaviour they did IS, HOW they need to show up instead, and WHAT tools and resources they will require to help them execute needed action in the creation of that.  IF we could practice doing more of that when it comes to talking about male behaviour with Men, let alone when we talk about these issues in public, then we might find that a lot more Men might start to feel safer to come to the party of discussion.




Can we kindly stop acting like we ourselves are so much better than and above the problem, and admit that we too, are human?


This one will be a tough pill to swallow for some. But please give me a chance to recap the most basic of principles of what we in Therapy call shadow work. And that is the notion that, as humans, we ALL, every single one of us has a dark side. BUT, what makes the difference, in not harming to others with it, are 1) awareness of it, 2) taking ownership of it 3) understanding of options about other ways we could be showing up instead and then finally 4) the self-motivated choice we then make about HOW we show up in future instead, and with what intent. But why do I say we need to stop acting like we’re disconnected from it and it’s someone else’s problem out there?


Have you ever felt the strong, inner protective Mama/Papa bear urge to protect a sibling, or a child, or a partner, who was in danger, and been willing to act upon it?  Have you ever had a bad thought about, or did 3, 5 or 14 year old you, ever get stuck in anything from hair pulling and toy snatching, to a full on fight with your siblings, or some kid at school?  Have you ever got a warning or a red card on the sporting field?   Have you ever misread a sexual advance, or been physically affectionate towards someone, only to see them withdraw in award discomfort? Have you ever had a partner, and no matter what your gender, had a moment where someone hit on them, without a single thought to how that impacts you OR them, and then felt that inner urge arise to shove them back against a wall, get up in their face and start yelling “oh, you see me NOW???” Even if you didn’t actually do it? Have you ever had to contend with an ACTUAL bear, or a 1 tonne Bull coming at you (welcome to my childhood on farm), and channel an appropriate degree of energy to motivate it to change it's path or intent? Then as it turns out, a whole bunch of us AREN’T actually removed from it at all, are we? Perhaps we’ve learned to overcome it…and have something valuable now to teach about HOW to do that. But if we’re really honest, #metoo BUT IN THAT “#WETOO have been guilty of human violent tendencies.


We too might be afraid of the consequences of admitting it, but no matter how evolved (and spiritual) we might have been working to become, as humans, every single one of us, pushed to our limits, has both instinctive responses around responding protectively or defensively as a part of our fight flight responsiveness. As well as, has the capacity to be psychologically triggered into a state of high reactivity, under the wrong set of circumstances, whether we go on to act upon it or not. Obviously the HOW of how we deal with it is everything in such scenarios and crucial to the level of safety of everyone on the receiving end of our behaviour. But the sooner we can admit that, and stop projecting onto others, our judgements of ourselves and our own conduct, the sooner that we make it safer too, for others to be able to be honest with us about where they’re struggling with their own fight flight reactivity, trauma and problematic thoughts and behaviours that they’re struggling with. And the sooner we can get them help and support when and where it can actually make a difference?


I think sometimes we can also be afraid too that admitting the shadowy behaviours that we’ve experience out loud as “normal”, will inadvertently, encourage and enable the expression of more violent behaviour. And the whole of society might then plunge into violent chaos…. even more so than we’re already at war with each other in actual war zones, on the streets and on social media. And yet, to start to make it safe for those of us who most need to have conversations about our wounding, trauma, self defensive behaviours and maladaptive coping behaviours, we also need to be able to compassionately acknowledge that they’re NOT alone, because violent behaviour has LONG been a part of being human. 


It’s important for the discussion that leads to ownership, healing and transformation, that we acknowledge that we may not be able to undo history, or the harm that came from it. BUT it’s what we DO about it and how we show up next, that is absolutely within our power to control, and where we can create better outcomes going forward. More than that, it only takes one moment of awareness, combined with a moment of choice, to break a pattern of 12 plus generations of intergenerational trauma. So it’s SO important that we create the psychological safety for more Men to be able to get to that point of awareness and choice. And then choose a different course of action and set of outcomes going forward.




Drop the belief that “People never change and are incapable of change.” 


I’ve long thought this one is both counterproductive and potentially self fulfilling, in the sense that, if we’re going to commit to believing that, then this is exactly the experience that life is going to mirror back to us. Not because change is NOT possible, but because we’ve literally (in this instance) “cock-blocked” our own capacity to change, or to receive the benefits of others changing, by choosing to believe that people can’t change. More than that, I think we need to be really careful about listening to the Psychologists and Protective Workers out there who’ve become so jaded from all the times they’ve seen clients for whom change wasn’t achieved, and then started telling their audiences to look at people’s past behaviour as a reliable indicator of their future conduct. In my estimation, we need to be aware that the sample they’re commenting on, is actually highly biased and not an accurate representation of the whole population’s capacity FOR change at all. Because the healthy people who DID succeed in overcoming their shadowy ‘stuff’ with some other form of help and support, possibly never had need of walking into their office, and therefore aren’t included in the statistics they’ve gathered on potential for change? It’s the people who are struggling the most who end up in Therapy, or Treatment Facilities or Justice or Protective Services. So I’m sorry, but I think it’s time we stop entertaining this “people can’t change” belief, because is it really helping the people who need and want to change, to change? 



Granted that yes, there are some people that are already so far down the trauma rabbit hole, or sociopathic, psychopathic rabbit hole, that there’s only one place left for them to be managed.  And thankfully, there are many people on the planet who've manifested here at this time, feeling, knowing that is their purpose to be a part of managing this. BUT, it often occurs to me, that if I can have shown up in a way in roles past, that helped motivate and support a whole bunch of Men with a history of trauma and a history of anger issues and violent past offences to make their own choice to do the work and succeed in turning their lives around, but some Experts can’t, dare I say it, that maybe their clients are not actually the problem here?  But the way that they’re practicing IS, and rather than using the time, energy (and power and influence as Leaders) to get on debate panels and YouTube videos and telling the world that people can’t change, they’d be better off going back to supervision to finish their healing, and getting further educated on what it takes to facilitate lasting change, to ensure that they’re better able to facilitate human behavioural change going forward? I’m sorry, but not sorry, for the rant on that. Because It’s part of our job as Practitioners, to realise when we are NOT helping and actually getting in the way of the very thing that we got into this occupation to create?





We also need to respect privacy and confidentiality in our discussions about the subject matter (and bring this back as a necessary consideration in relationships of all kinds. 


Finally if we want to make it safer for more Men to talk about mental health, trauma and reactive behaviours they’re struggling with, then dare I say it, that we also need to deescalate the massive threat that’s emerged in recent years of oversharing any and every little detail, in the name of authenticity, combined with what I think has become an over-reliance upon group engagement, using public disclosure and shaming tactics, to motivate someone into change. One of the biggest reasons both are becoming so problematic, is that it’s becoming too common that we air the grievance in public, before we’ve ever actually made an attempt to alert the other party in question , and or made sufficient attempts to resolve the matter in private FIRST. One of the things that remains very necessary for trust and psychological safety to both be initially established in relationships, as well as restored in relationships after times of relational injury, AND is ESSENTIAL to making it safer for more Men to talk openly about what they’re going through, is our willingness to respect people’s right to discuss and resolve such things with us privately. And or to negotiate with each other first, what is and isn’t acceptable to both parties, in terms of what we do and don’t share in public. As well as discussing HOW we will go about resolving our differences and who we will, or won’t involve in such matters. 


While, yes, some of the very behaviours we’re talking about, can continue to thrive in private, if not identified and addressed, we’ve also got to temper this with understanding how essential respecting privacy also is to the establishment and maintenance of trust and psychological safety within relationships. So if we want to get that safety back, AND simultaneously make it safer for the group of Men in this article to feel safer to talk and seek help, we need to get back to the place in society where, as a part of the most basic of human respect we offer others, in all relationship scenarios we make it standard practice to discuss 1) what is and isn’t acceptable to both parties, in terms of what we do and don’t share in public, 2) HOW we will go about resolving our differences and 3) who we will, or won’t involve in such matters for help and support. 




In order to re-establish or establish greater psychological safety and a space of trust for Men (and all of us) to talk about our problems, just as Therapists have been agreeing to do for as long as they’ve existed, (and the law actually still dictates in many settings that we are required to do) we need to offer the very people that we want to open up to us, the reassurance that we will respect their right to privacy. And if we ever feel concerned that we might need to involve another appropriate party, because they or others might be at risk of serious harm, then it’s best to discuss ahead of time, early on, what our agreed upon strategies will be to deal with that, if and when something happens. Then, when it happens, we do our best to let them know that this is our concern, that we think the plan now needs to be enacted and who we would therefore like to call on for help at such times. Before we ever just go and break their confidence to do it. When we be clear about that process and honor it later when it happens, it helps the intent of our love and support to continue to be perceived. Whereas if we just blindside people in the moment, by freaking out, disengaging and then either calling in 3rd parties, or even worse, going to the whole of socials to act as a very public and completely non-regulated therapy circle for advice, we risk destroying trust and creating an abandonment and betrayal wound, by having broken their trust. Which then becomes a potential block to them engaging with us in the resolution of the problem. The risk is that it leads to an ending, instead of a continuation, where an issue could’ve potentially been worked through in a healthy way, on a need-to-know basis only?




Granted that yes, very often, sometimes some people aren’t ready to, or refuse to be accountable for serious behaviour that negatively impacts us, and that might leave us little choice BUT to involve, in instances of abusive behaviour, family members, friends, support professionals or, worst case,  the police. Or in professional situations, Managers, HR or Security teams and worst case, professional/regulatory bodies or unions. BUT when it comes to maintaining trust in relationships and our capacity to move beyond instances of relational injuries, like abusive behaviours, breaking someone’s trust I believe, or airing our business in public, should NEVER, ever be our FIRST resort. But be the absolute LAST resort. Nor should social media EVER have become one big, unregulated, unmoderated Therapy Circle for our human catharsis, without any consideration of what is the purpose of me sharing this? What are the potential benefits and consequences of me doing that? For me and others? And is it actually something that I need to share in public, or would I AND others be better served to work on this in a more appropriate setting? And then only ever share if there is a teachable benefit, and all parties agree to that sharing?  If we want more Men to feel safe to open up about mental health, trauma and violence, then we need to show them again that we are willing to respect and support them through negotiating privacy and confidentiality related concerns.




We also need to master forgiveness to be able to move beyond these wounds, but understand what forgiveness is and does not do too


Being willing to become aware of own “stuff” and then being willing to commit and follow through to doing something constructive and effective about it, to get better outcomes in future, is an absolutely essential part of both creating psychological safety in relationships. And admitting responsibility and atonement also are a necessary component of facilitating the process of forgiveness that is required, for us to be able to move forward beyond at incident of harm occurring in any given relational setting.  Hence the lack of willingness to forgive, as much as the refusal to admit responsibility, can both potentially become blocks to us being able to move forward and reengage beyond relational injuries. So the role of both in how we ever reengage Men with a history of abusive behaviour, who are willing to do the work, in both personal relationships, as well as in society, is a needed part too of this discussion. If we’re to move forward in a constructive way, with the 1/4 to 1/3 of our entire population in question. If and when they become ready to own and atone. 


It’s tricky, because we have to keep holding a boundary and ask to them to rise to a standard of how we agree to care for and treat each other in this instance, until they are motivated to choose for themselves the need to change and do the work. And our intuition becomes a great tool of discerning in the end, when someone is actually not committed and actually bargaining, lying, manipulating in trying to say all the right words that would indicate that they want to heal, but yet are still doing all the problematic behaviours (like continuing to drink or take drugs, or hang out with the bad influence friends, or like buying material stuff to try and fill the inner void,) instead of, say, committing to the necessary change actions, like going to the Men’s Group, Support Group, or the Therapist who could actually help support them to do the necessary inner work. Plus surround them with people who will support the necessary change and create better outcomes in their lives and relationships going forward. But when someone DOES choose to own and atone and do all the right things though, and we choose to forgive and reengage, the next move forward has to be an act of trust and faith. Of belief in the best of them, and in that the light in them, and desire to grow into their highest potential, is in fact louder, than their willingness to let their wounds continue to run the show. 


We can have a lot of resistance to forgiving though. So sometimes we need to clarity what forgiveness is also NOT by default. That it is NOT being a self disrespecting doormat, that it is NOT going to have you be seen by default by them as weak and a pushover that they can take advantage of. (Actually more often than not, when that person is sitting in that dark place of wanting to hurt others to make themselves feel better, the fact that you were willing to forgive them anyway and why, will play on their psyche for an eternity, long after you’ve moved on.)  And it is NOT giving permission to someone to just do the same thing to you again. If you forgive just to keep the peace, before they’ve actually owned or done anything to warrant it, maybe. So I think we’ve got to be careful to remember that forgiving is not by default, enabling or encouraging shitty male behaviour, or human behaviour full stop. 



But to come full circle back to where I’ve started (and as I talk about in my book), sometimes holding high and strong in the energy we want to embody and want to be met in, IS the answer. Sometimes the answer is staying high in bringing forward the highest version of us, and then calling the highest version of them back into themselves and into the room with you to have that discussion. And on the other side of ownership, to get through this in a healthy relationship, when they take accountability and commit to concrete action on creating that change, both forgiveness AND maintaining your connection to the best of him/them, and connection to THEIR vision for the best version of themselves, is an absolute necessity for the successful evolution of that healthy, psychologically safe relationship. While their ability to forgive themselves needs to happen separate of our giving it, our willingness to try and move on and focus on who we can both be now in the future, beyond our mistakes and ghosts of the past, certainly is a co-factor in both our ability to successfully co-create those better, mutually beneficial outcomes going forward, together. 



I could go on and on, but I think these are some of the primary concerns that came up in my thoughts, as I thought about how we do better as a society at addressing, healing and transforming this current set of problems involving both non-constructive belief systems that are causing significant harm. As well as what some of the REAL problem is, as it relates to healthy relating dynamics, self mastery, and the healing and transformation of trauma. Collective, individual and intergenerational. Especially in this instance, as it’s impacting many Men.


I don’t by any means claim to have ALL of the answers to all the angles. But if you read anything in this that you think may benefit others, please do feel free to share this on.


Thanks so much for the time to read my white paper of a blog, it’s much appreciated.


Until next time…..