(Well mostly, in honesty, I’ve lost it more than a few times too, if we’re to be totally honest here, before I realised, how much power my authentic voice already HAD, without having to TRY to throw my impact around the place. And I’ve too talked my share of fluff before a vulnerable point.)
Each of these Guys had a point though. Communication is an art form. And the more clearly one can articulate oneself, the more likely it is that one will be able to negotiate, not just for what one wants and get it, but be able to effectively be of effective service in the world.
3 benefits of clear, loving communication:
1- We get to cut through the “not truth” and save both parties 6 months of unnecessary struggle and heartache pursuing the wrong things by getting honest from day 1 about what you both really want.
We get to cut through the “not truth” and save both parties 6 months of unnecessary struggle and heartache pursuing the wrong things by getting honest from day 1 about what you both really want.
Its a definite win to be pursuing either ones dreams, ones intuition about something that may be aspirational and one may think appears to be the embodiment incarnate of one’s dream. But, without actually having confirmed in reality that you are on the same page and want the same thing, how do you really know for sure that it IS and that the other party really wants the same thing we do?
As the song goes, wishing and hoping and thinking and praying, planning and dreaming each moment of your shared existence together, unfortunately, alone won’t get you either into someone’s arms OR into partnership with somebodies business you admire, until you actually get brave and speak to what you want and fact check if you’re, in physical reality, on the same page, THEN you might just be the answer to each other’s prayers, and/or the right fit to be up in each other’s actual businesses.
Just to clarify, i'm not saying the wishing and hoping part is a bad thing. Its a good thing too feeling into it in advance as a manifestation thing. As is actually, up front daring to show your true colours when it comes to your passion, interest and genuine excitement about an opportunity or how you feel about that person. People need to know why you’re such a “yes” and receive confirmation that their yes is matched back in, a hell yes, this is soooo the thing I want too” if we're to manifest the opportunities and connections we really want.
Once it’s confirmed that you’re on the same page in reality, not just in whatever potential reality you can see, then is the time to go all in on the emotional investment front and start build build building together and start making plans. Until then, is it really the wisest use of our energy to be investing in someone that we’re not actually even sure if they want to invest in us? Possibly not. This is where we women have to stop sugar coating, hoping and beating around the bush and just ask.
2- It eliminates a huge percentage of misunderstandings.
Humans need to be witnessed and heard in our processes to feel acknowledged and emotionally supported, right?
The tricky thing about that though when it comes to practitioners and business is that, the more detail one authentically shares before one gets to the point, the more confused the person on the receiving end can become about what the actual point is and what you need or about what message or insight you are truly trying to convey. Especially if you do it by email. And on social media these days, ask any busy person or Gen Z'er, if it's more than 300 words and they can't see a point coming any time soon in there, people scroll on now. Unless they REALY, REALLY love you and or flag it for later. Sad, I know, but becoming more and more 8 second attention span true 😞.
What repels people from a 5000 word social media post or email these days that reads like process? For the other person reading our 5000 word authentic share, unless your did it essay style and wrote a clear intro and conclusion summarising the concept after the fact, what they actually have to do is then put on their Therapist, Coach or intuitive hat (if they have any of these) and try and use their X-ray vision on all the excellent details of the story we just detailed and the process we’re presently navigating, to find the hidden gold in the centre of the point of what we really want and need and hence what the true intention is in a sentence or two of what we are really trying to say.
In human communication and interpretation, we need live, direct questioning to confirm that what we think they just said, actually means what we think it means. If we assume, there’s a huge potential for misunderstandings. According to my Counselling Training way back when, apparently over 60% of a chance of potential misunderstandings. (Hopefully MUCH less if we’re running on intuition, as opposed to projection.)
So our task then, for clear communication sake, is to be connected enough to ourselves that we can be clear with people about what we want and need and the summary intention for our interaction. Funilly enough, it’s a bit hard to manifest anything concrete until we know, life will just keep bringing us a whole bunch of random experiences until we decide, and a whole bunch of non responses or emails and conversations that don't really end up leading to anything.
What are we really wanting?
-are we wanting to be witnessed or held while we process something?
-are we wanting to share the want or need we have (and are we prepared to enquire and
hear back about the other parties needs, on this two way street), or,
-as Practitioners, are we wanting to help in some specific way?
- Or teach a particular insight or the lesson or skill that ultimately lies behind?
What is the summary paragraph of your intention for the interaction? Once you’re clear on your intention, write or request a chat from that place. Because you’ll speak from clarity in that place.
3- Clear, honest communication, done with love and compassion, creates trust and safety and opportunity for growth
To decide upon something and then to clearly articulate that, ultimate creates one of two possibilities, either you realise you’re on the same page and come closer together, or, it means to end the other possibilities that aren’t that or aligned with that. Which might mean that potential partners or clients or people we’d like to work with, or for, then leave.
If someone is about to be rejected by what we say or we’re about to receive a no, we can feel the old “scary factor” coming and the pending emotional death and re-birth that goes with an impending “no” (which, gets easier the more you just feel the fear and do the honesty anyway) ....and that may feel unsafe, when we’re strongly emotionally invested in the outcome. Yet, dare I say it, if we’re really coming from love, has to be done. Because emotional death and rebirth is a part of life. And growth and evolution. Sometimes, we stall on getting honest, for fear of losing someone or something that may feel like love and safety and the dream. And sometimes we’ll do anything to delay death and causing ourselves or others potential pain that might come from getting real. But doing so can also keep us stuck in the wrong thing, as opposed to the right thing. And more than that, may delay the right thing going through a necessary transformation you have to go through that sees it become even MORE the right thing for one or both parties.
Intuition or no, it’s hard to really know for sure which way it’s going to go, until we take the honesty leap of faith and come out the other side. Either way, we have to trust in the process to lead all to the best possible outcome and to trust that the process of being honest creates more trust and safety either way. People may not like it, but they will ultimately respect you for just being lovingly straight. In our personal and professional lives. And with everyone in them. We need to flip our belief of “honesty is to be feared”, to the belief that “honesty is actually love.”
When it comes to honesty about things that might be hard to hear, playing the old compliment sandwich and gratitude game too helps the dose of truth go down a little bit more gently too. Ultimately so that even if you reject someone, they still walk away feeling good about something else you shared. Only ever being honest in the negative feedback direction can unintentionally push people away/see them withdraw, because no one wants to think they’re failing non stop all the time and letting down the very people they care about, at home or at work and nobody wants to feel unwanted or not valued. Hence it helps to also balance those kind of truths with truths about all we love and appreciate about people, acknowledge all that they are awesomely rocking at and share these things often. This way, we build trust and come closer through honesty and everyone feels respected FOR the honesty.
Humans, we are emotionally complex beings aren’t we? But it doesn’t have to be as complex as we sometimes make it. If we bring it back to directly communicating what we want and need in simple summaries, working life and the whole of life gets a whole lot simpler. Sure, it’s scary, it’s vulnerable being so direct, but remember what I said at the start of this about every cell and part of you feeling a breath of relief and joy when you do? For the ease and grace that comes from doing so, not to mention the success and fulfilment, it’s so worth it.
Until next time, have fun, take care.
Nat talks about Self Expression, Heart Centred Communication and Lifestyle for Leaders.