Having facilitated an event recently titled "Ice Cream and Handcuffs: 50 Shades of Sex, Love and Getting What You Want Out of Life", that question above has been on my radar a lot lately. Asking for what you want is kind of an unavoidable part of the success picture in all aspects of life; want to get more clients and more money, you need to make an invitation and ask for the sale, want a bigger mailing list, you might have to ask same JV partners about working together, single and want to find a partner online dating, you've got to be able to send a winky, swipey, messagey sign and ask, want that late night booty call, someones got to ask, have a family member to cater gluten and dairy free for you, you've got to ask, buying a house, someone's got to ask an agent about all the finer details of inspections before putting in an offer to ensure you don't throw away several hundred thousand on something half eaten by termites or, worse maybe with dead people burried in the slab underneath (i'm joking). But seriously though, as we ease into 2017, its an important question to be asking if we want to create something different in business, life and connection this year. So, here a few things you might like to know about what gets in the way of us asking for what we really want.
1- We just might get it
1. We just might get it. Whoo hoo! Then what? What happens when shit is suddenly so good all of a sudden and you're not used to it feeling so very fulfilling, blissful and easy? When you're not used to this kind of attention or adoration? Success, fulfillment and contentment, when a new and unfamiliar experience to us, sometimes scares the shit out of us...because it's unknown and unfamiliar. Getting what we want literally sometimes requires not just a mental re-patterning to give ourselves permission to receive and believe in this new reality ongoingly, but sometimes also a complete biochemical rebalancing of our systems so that we may be able to permanently ground and anchor in the new reality. Accept and flow with it. Rather than sabotage it to restore from before,what might have been bad in some ways, but was at least familiar. Worth remembering the next time your wishes start coming true, to ensure you don't then accidentally reject what you want for the wrong reason.
2- We might not get it
We might not get it. We fear we might get judged or piss someone off or upset them by having asked. What do we fear we'll lose if our request displeases them? Very often, love. Then what? The pain of rejection. Maybe dealing with the pain of our perfect fantasy of how we wanted it to be being smashed with a dose of reality. Maybe facing loss. Perhaps dealing with the pain that someone didn't value or agree with or think your way of being, seeing or doing things was the right way for them. Learning to be OK with people's differences or directions without making it personal. Saying yes STILL to what you do need and letting go of the handle to that door that turned out to be the wrong door in order to seek the open door to the next room that's the right one.
In the immortal words of Mick Jagger, "you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." And what if what you actually need looks different to what you first expected BUT actually turns out to be even better than you imagined? Sometimes not getting what we want, but what we need is a wonderful stroke of luck. But one thing is inevitable, we wont as likely just get either if we don't ask for what we really want.
3- We might have to compromise to get it
We might have to compromise. We might have to adjust our expectations until every body wins. As evolutionary astrologist Tom Lescher once famously said, allow yourself to adjust until it's not "either/or, its both or more." Even if you ask, and the first answer is some form of a no, maybe a fear from a client they don't have the money to buy that program or their partner might not be ok with it, but hasn't thought of a way it could work compared to the way they're seeing it wont..they might be a "yes" if you helped them compromise to SEE a compromise. Maybe he/she says no to a date tonight, but did you ask if they're free instead on the weekend? (Because maybe "no" today meant "no because i have yoga class tonight" not "no, i don't want you in my company like EVER!" It pays not to make assumptions and just give up there. Maybe you and a partner or friend enjoy different food types, or tv shows or you and a partner have a preference for sex at certain times that aren't always convenient to the other. How might it still be possible for both parties to have their needs met in a way and timing that suits both of you?
Two things are inevitable- if you don't ask, your infinitely less likely to receive what you want. (And it's not the job of others to psychically automatically KNOW magically what you want.)
And if one person likes to get it their way all the time, there's inevitably going to be conflict until they learn to give as well as they take.
To be able to successfully create a win win, we thus have to get over our stuff about compromising. Sometimes that means being willing to accept changes to your availability or level of "freedom." Sometimes that means practicing being grateful for and deriving enjoyment from seeing and feeling the other people you love being made happy and thus enjoying with them their joy...without agenda....just...because. Plus being willing to let go of giving with the expectation of receiving back; being willing to let go of the score card and carding system. Plus being willing to be OK with it when you hear a no and you're not going to get it 100% how you first hoped you might.
If we can show up to those moments in our hearts, minus projecting onto it any past baggage from times one had to ongoingly endure periods of not being seen, heard or met, provided one surrounds oneself with people who are genuinely interested in and capable of compromise, and thus mutual trust that you are valued and will both be met at some point can be established, even if not in this immediate moment, compromise becomes not such a biggy. Learning to compromise and deal with our stuff around compromise, is an incredibly important accompaniment to being able to ongoingly receive what you want when we ask for it.
Then of course, there are times in life when we just aren't clear yet what we want yet to know to ask for it. Maybe we've been so busy giving we've forgotten to tune into ourselves, in which case the answer might come from stopping and making time to tune into oneself and actually ask oneself what one wants. Maybe we've got so caught up in someone we love or admire that we need some time to clear our starry eyes and come back to ourselves and see and feel our own truth again. Maybe we'll find the answer in meditation or surrender, other times in taking action. Then sometimes we do know, but we need to give ourselves permission to ask for something...that...awesome. Whatever you need to ask for this year, i hope this gives you a little more clarity on how to ask for and receive what you really want in 2017 and beyond.
Until next time, have fun, take care and i look forward to chatting soon.
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